The Way of life speakers meeting in Long Beach, CA

Do you have a corner? There we go. I I, yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's oh, you know what? I think it's time I'm supposed to do this.

Well, just, well, if you if you can remember the name. The names. Okay. Yeah. And just go ahead and then in between the new statement, you can go ahead and maybe you can find it.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Alright. My name is Marcella, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm Marcella. At this time, I would like to introduce tonight's speaker, Deandre from Hermosa Beach. My name is Deandre and I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Deandre. Wow.

This is really bizarre. Thank you, Marcella. Wow. You're fucking up everything. Aren't you?

She can't find the format. So I guess I'll just take it from here and share until next Wednesday. Good to be sober. Wanna congratulate and welcome all people that needed some attention tonight before I got up here. I think that's great.

And, a good place to be in a meeting. I just got off work. I just worked. I do ABA work. I'm an ABA therapist person.

I work with autistic children. And my client just told me I am the worst tutor that he has ever had. And it was really enlightening. His mother was very pleased because that means we're gonna get some work done, you know. And, and that's kinda how AAE is.

If you're new, you are welcome, but you may not feel so. My date is May 29, 1991, which means next Tuesday, I'll be 16 years old, in your program. And, what a gift. You know? What a great thing, to be sober and, know what the hell I'm talking about a little bit in regards to AA.

And, what an interesting place. I my the last time I was here, my sponsor spoke here. So I have to trump his pitch. He shared here several months ago at at an event here for the young people in AA stuff. And it's really good to be here, you know.

Thank you, Johnny, for having me come over to your group here here in Long Beach. We got we wanna I wanna thank Bobby too for getting us all here safely. Got that ironed out. Let's see. I was born a poor black child.

And, the Jordan Downs Project is where I grew up in Watts. Lived over there for 14 and a half years, And I went to school in the San Fernando Valley for 6 years, which explains the proper diction when I speak. But I really am from Watts, and, my mother moved over there with all 6 of her kids by 6 different gentlemen because she had to make sure that she could afford to feed us. So we moved to the projects, and I love the projects. I miss the projects on certain days.

It's a wonderful environment when it comes to not having anything to do with this one, And, and that's why I like it over there, you know. And I lived over there and loved it and ran around over there like a wild animal. And, when I lived over there, my disease of alcoholism that I have would spread like wildfire. I would just, run around and my mother made alcohol look fun. We would we would we would have all these parties, at her house where we lived at.

And I remember one time we could we kind of ran out of because she would have a party for each, like, month. There would be a reason. She had all 6 of those kids, and and we have a party for each one of my siblings and myself. And then we would have to start making up stuff, like a a flag day party, you know. Have a have a day because we'd be out of school.

So we had flag day party. We'd have all kind of parties. And partying was what we did, you know, as a family, you know. And so it was easy for me to go out into the community and have the illusion that everything's supposed to be a party. We're always supposed to party.

At work, you know, we're gonna party. I'm gonna party before I go to work. I'm gonna show up drunk, you know, and possibly be fired because I was trained to drink, you know. And, and and, what happened for me is I became the black sheep of the family. Now that's really hard to do in my family, but I did it.

And we had to, thank you. Marcela did something right tonight. She handed me this water. I became the black sheep of my family, so it was really easy for me to stand out and need help fast. So my mother threw me out of the house at the ripe old age of 17.

And I know that's illegal, but she didn't care because I was a criminal any damn way. So she threw me out of the house at 17 years old. And I went live with my real friends. And my friends taught me, how to, live without my mother and how to live without parental guidance and all of that. And I love my friends.

You know? Those people helped me almost kill myself so great and and so wonderfully that I, refuse to disengage. You know? And they taught me how to hang tough with them. So we could all, I assume, die together.

I don't know. But, I ran with those people, and we did what we did all the time, every night, no matter what. And, which meant that we partied. We stayed up late. We didn't have any responsibilities that had anything to do with, you know, not drinking.

We were gonna drink, period. We planned our our day around drinking. And, and that's what we did. And I was young when that happened. And, I also started, experimenting with other party flavors.

I I just wanna get that out there real quick. It takes a lot of crack to hide alcoholism. And and I tried to smoke every drop of it. And I know this is an AA meeting. I know about AA.

I've been sober for a while, and I know that when I got here, I've made no difference about where I was on the Titanic. I knew that this ship was sinking. It didn't have a damn thing to do when I felt like drinking. And, and I proceeded to run-in that community until they chased me out of there. 2 of my friends, they got tired of being friends with me.

And, they chased me out of the community, and and I wound up getting into Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center. And in that facility, those people pretty much just brainwashed me and made me believe not only was I in trouble, but that I was the problem. You know, and nobody had ever convinced me of that before I got to that place. People were always willing to tell me that I was in trouble. We done caught you again.

You stop that, and and, and all of that. But no one had ever convinced me that I was the problem. And that's what happened at that rehab. And, and once they got me to believe that, they started introducing me to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and I started going to meetings, at that facility.

And my first meeting was a candlelight meeting at the facility. And, it was a Wednesday night. And, I had been at the facility all day, and I had not had the strength to go to any of the earlier meetings. So I went to that candlelight meeting that night, and I remember that night. And I remember being very scared and alone feeling and sick because I hadn't used anything or drank in a while, and it was really scary.

But I toughed it out because I didn't have any medical insurance, and they didn't have any pills to give me. So I had to shake it out. We don't do that a lot nowadays. Now our society is set up for you to feel comfortable first, and then maybe you'll do AA. That's not how I got sober.

You know, I came in here and I shook it out. And what happened was, I started believing these people. They would come up on these panels. These people, they would come into the facility. And me and my friend, we used to make fun of them.

We used to say that they were panel people. Because they look weird and they had a strange look in their eyes. And they always seem like they were loaded off weed or something. They always look like they were high. And later on, I found out that that's the high of HNI.

You know, it's not the high that I thought that they were trying to, you know. You know what I mean when I say high as an alcoholic? But what they were doing is they were carrying the message, you know? And they carry the message into that facility. And, I believed them.

I don't know why. I just felt maybe it's because I was just so miserable and pathetic and sad and depressed. But I believed him. I didn't put up any resistance, you know. And, I started getting involved with the meetings at that facility.

And then they voted me in as the president of Alcoholics Anonymous at the rehab. And I became the chairman of the AA committee, and I was in charge of overseeing 30 to, 36 meetings a week, visiting those meetings and making sure that those meetings were being run properly. And, arriving on the hill with no underwear on and one pair of pants, I knew exactly what they needed in those meetings. And, and I proceeded to, visit the meetings and go to the meetings. And there's one meeting I always share about at Warm Springs that kinda confused me a little bit because it was a Spanish speaking meeting.

And I am not fluent in Spanish, but I still knew what the hell those people should have been doing in those meetings. And I went and I sat through those meetings and helped them with AA. I have not taken the steps yet, but, I knew what was up with AA. And, when I left there, I went to, Lancaster, California. That's where I moved to, Lancaster in the desert, you know, where the real men go to get sober.

And, and I moved out there and I lived out there for 12 years, man. And 12 years in a room much like this one, those men and women, just played hardball AA, man. There was no fooling around, you know. And, and they didn't care if I told them how different I was or who I slept with or what I did with my mother and all this. They didn't give a they didn't care about none of that.

What they cared about is when I left that meeting, that I had an idea of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, and that's what I try to do with the friends and the people that I have in my life. You know, when you leave a meeting, you should have a clear, idea a little bit about AA. And, those people saved my life. You know.

They talked to me about all kinds of stuff. And, here recently, I've been meeting my original grand sponsor in a lot of different meetings lately. He's moved down here. And I think it's some sort of a spiritual spy thing. But he's been, like, popping up.

And then I just found out that he's sponsoring somebody that it really interests me. I mean, this guy is all over the place, and I love him. His name is Al Russell. And and he, used to come up to Warm Springs and to the meetings in Lancaster and share AA and talk about the steps, you know. And he would like listen to the problem and tell us about the solution, You know?

And I love that. You know? And I remember just, having a lot of struggles with, like, social situations and being in personal relationships with people and stuff like that. And, you know, I didn't know how to deal with that kind of stuff because it didn't seem like the meetings was covering that kind of stuff. Like, how do you, like, do all these functional things out there and make sure that you're really a part of what's going on in here?

How do you do that? And my sponsor taught me how to do that. He taught me that I needed to take the steps and work with a newcomer. You know, and if I'm taking the steps and I'm working with a newcomer, I'm not gonna be too lost or confused about how to function. And I didn't think that that made sense because I thought I needed, like, a microscope to really hone in on my shit.

And, he told me that if I just went ahead and followed along, that things would work out. There's a part in the book that says, once the spirituality is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. And he knew that my spirituality had a lot to do with how narcissistic and how self obsessed I really was and how I would hide ambition behind just being a selfish freak that wanted everything centered and focused around me. And he believed that if I would just turn all that energy out to losing myself in service, that I wouldn't wind up dry and drunk. And that's what he taught me.

And, and I believe that today. And I try to do that to the best of my willingness. You know, as I try to be of service to Alcoholics Anonymous, I try not to be a necessary nuisance, you know, to the people around me in their life. And I try to be an asset. You know?

One of the things that disturbed me also about being an AA after some time sober was a lot of my friends were leaving, And they were going back out and getting loaded and drinking. And my head and my, alcoholism would give me the impression that these people were making it because nobody had called and told me that they were dead yet. And as an alcoholic, my disease one of the symptoms of my disease is seeing people drink with impunity. When I see people drink with impunity, it sort of kindles that insane obsession in my spirit that, well, maybe that can happen for me. Maybe there are no consequences really that bad for me to go ahead and take that first drink.

You know, and I'm here to share that that is part of my disease based on the havoc that alcohol has always caused me personally. You know, and, a lot of times I don't remember that when I see somebody and it looks like they're having a great time drinking or they did that thing and they're not dead. They're alive. They're coming back to the podium. They're telling you that they're getting sober again.

And as a person who's been here since his first meeting, that can really be distorted information for me if I'm not doing the maintenance that Marcella shared about. But I can get lost in your alcoholism, you know. And, that's don't don't I work with children. I have to get around to the solution when it comes to children no matter how they behave. I know for me, when I started realizing that drinking was more to me than meets the eye, it was easier for me to listen to this guy.

Because a lot of people will tell you now in AA that it's no longer about drinking. I no longer have a drinking problem. No drink, no problem. Wrong for me. For this alcohol.

Alcohol is always gonna be a problem for me because I'm allergic to it, you know. And, and a lot of people tell you that alcohol is no longer a problem because the obsession is gone. That's BS for this alcoholic. You know, one of the clients that I work with who frustrates me a lot of times is allergic to peanuts. He cannot have any peanuts at all, period.

And we have to make sure that he does not get any peanuts, especially on those days when I really think y'all just have a peanut. And that's and that's part of the that's part of the insanity of the first drink for me. It's pretending that there's no real consequence. It's the untreated alcoholism that gets me all screwed up. You know, it's the untreated alcoholism.

And and like Marcella was sharing too, it's like, you know, dishonesty for me, as I keep going with my story here, is that, you know, one of the things that I'll do is I'll lie even if the truth will help me. See? Because that's a part of my disease. It's dishonesty. Pathological.

Hell, the path seems logical if I'm lying and I just buy into it. And, and what happens is I wind up being isolated because it's hard to live an honest program dishonestly. And people start backing off. Not because of my personality, but maybe they're doing the 3rd step prayer everyday. Maybe if I'm running around with people in Alcoholics Anonymous that believe in the 3rd step prayer and that line in there where it says, take away my difficulties.

If you're constantly in my life as a liar, you may be removed according to that prayer. You know? So, I have to be careful with where I'm at, what I'm doing, and where I'm going. And amen. Because there's a lot of stuff going on in these open meetings nowadays.

And you better have something going for you besides your perception of how you feel about yourself. You know? And that's why I like, connecting with people in this program that are connected to the information in this big book and the steps. You know? So I'm kinda boring.

I really don't have a lot of excite. I was somebody was telling me the other day. I think it's Lauren. Lauren said she's gonna go jump out of an airplane. And I just looked like she had just jumped out of an airplane.

I just looked at her. I think that's gonna be beautiful. I I was thinking about the first time I flew in an airplane this month I mean, this year rather. And earlier this year, I flew for the first time ever. I'm 40 years old, and I've never flown on an airplane.

And I got inside of the airplane, and, my friend Seth was with me. And we got in and we just took off. And I thought that it was gonna feel like we were moving really, really fast, but it felt like we were moving really, really, really slow. It was an opposite, you know. My mind and what I'm sharing is that my mind is unreliable in a lot of areas, especially when it comes to the truth.

And if I don't use these tools and stuff, I'll sponsor myself into a drink with a sponsor. You know, we we somebody said something about some of our friends have drank here recently, and it's really, really, very painful to deal with that and to not pretend like all is well. No. It is not. All is sick.

You know, all is sick. And, and I have to be willing to move toward god to not feel so odd about being here. Because a lot of times, especially when I had about 5 or 6 years sober, I thought that as long as I did school and work and an intimate relationship with one person, that my life was supposed to be happy, joyous, and free. In other words, all I needed was a hostage and a home group. And what I found out through working with other people is that's BS 2.

That's not the truth. And I am I told you earlier, I have a problem with the truth. And I lived like that for 2 years, and then I had to go to a therapist because of some anger problems I was having. I had to go to therapy. And there's nothing like therapy while you're in recovery, man.

I mean, you could work that so well. I like that one. I miss that sometimes, but well, no. Because I go to the AA meetings, and I create, like, a psychological menu on everything that I didn't wanna agree with or get done. And then I would just take that over to my therapist and rationalize my behavior.

It's really a great tool. Probably, is you can get real thirsty. You know? I started having all of a sudden, I start smelling weed, you know, when I do that. Today, I I no longer and I don't I don't, you know, put anybody down that needs therapy.

I think therapy is great. I think, you know, the problem with therapy, however, is the customer is always right. And then, hey, hey, we don't mind telling our customers they're wrong, you know. And people get upset about that. But, anyway, so I moved to Lancaster, and I realized that, you know, I needed to do more than just sit around and wait for C SPAN to come on and then go to the 6 o'clock meeting and share what was going on in the news.

And the last time I had looked in the newspaper when I was that time sober, there were no one ads for talking shit and playing dominoes. So I had to so I had so I had to he he told me that I may need to get a job, you know. And one night, I had called him because I was really confused, spun, and crazy and, you know, out of my mind. And it was about 3 o'clock in the morning, and and, he he asked me. He said, well, how many meetings have you gone to today?

And I said, well, I've gone to 5 meetings. You know? Because I figured that the meetings are a weapon against reality. Right? I guess.

I don't know. But I said, I've been to 5 meetings. And he said, well, did you drink coffee at every one of those meetings? And I say, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, the coffee's there.

You drink it. Right? You know, I mean and he says, well, Deandre, this is what you do. You go to, 2 places to look for a job, you know, first thing in the morning. You know?

Stop drinking all that coffee. And maybe you won't be up all night. You'll be as tired as I am. You know? And I thought about that, and that kinda made sense.

And as long as he didn't yell that to me in front of other people, I did it, you know. And it worked, you know. He took me to my first job interview, in recovery at at at a place I worked for. I wound up working there for 6 years. He loaned me the tie, you know.

And, and he took me down there, and those people hired me that day, man. It was it was a beautiful thing, you know. And, basically, what I wanna share about is that, you know, as far as another alcoholic goes, I really don't know where they're gonna be. You know, alcoholics are a little bit unreliable. That's why they say we need depth and weight to hold us because we're kinda flighty.

You know? My one friend says that we're as flaky as a croissant. You know? And, when you can get an alcoholic to suit up, show up, and be sober, you know, that's pretty chill. That's pretty good.

And, one of the things that I noticed about him in my life is that he was always available with AA. You know, his personality seemed a little skewed sometimes. He didn't seem to have the right timing all the time. But whenever I needed Alcoholics Anonymous from him, he was able to deliver still today. You know?

And he's not my sponsor anymore as far as, you know, who I do my work with. But I still count on him spiritually to provide AA for me when I reach for it, and he does. You know, and I love him. Anyway, I wanted to read something out of the big book and then, try to share a little bit about that and continue. And it's right here in, Into Action.

Not into thinking, not into feeling, not into knowing, but into action. And I'm gonna skip down, and it says the best reason first. They're talking about why we shouldn't skip the 5th step. So as if we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time, newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives.

Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably, they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory alright, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock.

They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only thought they had humbled themselves, But they had not learned enough humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense we find it trying to when I'm all done talking. You know? If I'm not trying to become transparent to you people, So I can bring you my problems in the light of your experience, I'm still running game. I still got another personality I'm gonna show you.

I'm still not gonna get into the reality of steps 6 and 7 so I can make that real list and really amend my behavior. So I won't even wanna drink. I won't even want to Because on certain days, I'm really gonna want to when I do when I really don't want to. And I better have something going for me. And I believe it's these tools, and I believe it's this environment, and I believe it's my experience.

And what it tells me is that if I don't have an honest relationship with somebody in regards to my experience with alcoholics and all this, I'm just in between drinks. You know? And I'm holding you hostage so you can agree with how I think. And, and I don't believe that we should do AA like that. And my sponsor doesn't stand for it.

I don't waste a whole lot of time trying to call him to to persuade him, to really see it my way. I just don't do that. I can't I think, what has happened for me is I've just gotten a little older, and I realized now that it's kind of a waste of time because he could be spending time working with somebody else. If all I'm gonna be doing is debating with him on how he's trying to save my sick, sorry, dying ass life. So I just don't believe in arguing with my sponsor.

Anyway, what I'm sharing is that a lot of times, when my head starts running, I wanna get going. Because I don't have anything weighing me down that's honest. I got these secrets and stuff. Right? And so what I would do is I would figure out a way to live in self will, blame others, and then cover it up.

And the family is the greatest tool in the world for that. If you got family around them, warn them. Tell them to be careful because we will use their asses until we die. Not dealing with our own stuff, man. And, one of the things that I enjoy about Alcoholics Anonymous is that it's okay to enjoy it.

It's okay to have fun here. I saw fun here, man. I really did. But I don't think the fun was in making fun of the program and not taking this stuff seriously. The fun and the celebration and the laughter was coming because we had found an answer.

You know, we were laughing and having fun because we had connected finally to the freedom of being sober all day long. The fun comes from helping these people clean up these meetings and stuff and realize that you're really connected to saving somebody's life. The fun is not because of self will being uncovered, You know? The fun comes from doing the right thing for the right reasons, man. And I enjoy my sobriety for the most part.

I really do. The parts I don't enjoy are mainly because of me. But I really enjoy it, man. Overall, it's really a beautiful thing. Real quick, I remember this joke I heard about this judge that, ran a, drunk court, you know, the DUI court.

And, he was sitting up on the bench one afternoon, and he had a guy come in, fairly new guy. He'd been helping the guy back and forth. He kept getting loaded and stuff. And, the guy, you know, sentenced to me. He said, you know, I'm tired of you.

You're getting 90 days in jail. And he slammed the hammer down and they took the guy off and they took him to jail. And so the judge goes in his in his chambers and gets all drunk. He just drinks. And he goes and gets on the train and goes home, and he throws up on himself.

He's been drinking, you know. He threw up. He's sitting on a train. And he gets out and he wobbles on home and and, his wife seems to see. She's, god, this guy is so disgusting.

So his wife says, you know, you got vomit all over your shirt. What happened? And he said, well, take it. Take all my clothes and put them in the laundry. He said, I sent the guy to 90 days, and he just threw up all over me.

And he said, okay. Fine. So she took she said, alright. Okay. Whatever.

She takes his clothes in the laundry. She looks through his stuff. She comes back. She yells upstairs. Hey.

You might wanna be careful because that drunk shits your pants too. And that and that's and that's how and that's how I and that and that's how I live, man. That's how I live and and and that's what I do, man. It's it's it's your fault. You know, you're the problem.

I don't give a damn what reality says. You need to treat me better so I can continue not to change, you know. Giving me a hard time. And, and I and I and I can relate to that, man, because I used to do that to my brother too, you know. He came and saved me once and picked me up in the community and took me back to his apartment and let me live with him and fed me and closed me.

You know, like a movie, you know. And and I and I remember one day he he was watching the Laker game and, and he put his wallet up on the counter. And they had a $50 and a $20 bill in there. And I went and I took the $20 bill out, and I went and did what I like to do. And I came back and I took the $50 bill out of there.

I'm an honest thief so I do. Or I steal in shifts, I guess. I don't know. But and then I remember I was standing outside in, you know, in front of the apartment and I started crying. You know, because I knew that that I had become, just a really awful person.

You know, and I remember just bawling my eyes out and and I and I was looking in front of his apartment. I was just looking at all this ivy that was all over the apartment and I was just so angry and so mad at myself for what I had become. You know, I had become this loser. I used to be the star of my family. I could write in calligraphy.

I was declared gifted in the 6th grade. I was a smart smart smart man. And now I've become this hopeless bomb thief. And I was I was devastated. And I just started crying, you know.

And I took my form of alcohol for me. And I reached back as far as I could and I just said, you know what? I've had enough of this shit. And then I just sort of watch where it landed just in case I might have to come back, you know. Because I might have to deal with reality.

I might have to, face problems that I cause. So I always look where my b s lands just case I gotta go get it again and run game. And, I don't know new people don't relate to that kind of stuff. But, you know, that's that's the way I operate, you know. And what happened when I got out of that rehab and I moved to Lancaster and I got in touch with that group and I started doing the work that they asked me to do, my life changed.

And I started respecting AA more. And the more my life changed, the more I respect the program. And then I started meeting and and and introducing myself to people that I never met before. And, and these people just started helping me, you know. And then I started helping them, you know.

And now here I am several years later and it's like, oh my god. I'm actually in AA, you know. It's really crazy. Because I don't remember going into that first meeting going, wow. I'm so glad I'm in AA now.

Look at all these people. This is beautiful. I that's not how I came in. And, now I really am. I'm really glad I'm in the AM, man, because I see people who aren't.

And it's really sad, you know? It's, like, really sick because it's, like, you know, there's meetings all over the world. You know, there's meetings all day long. You know, I have a full plate and, I hear people telling me they can't make it to the meetings and it's just I don't I used to get really angry about it. But now I just sort of have like like an alarm in me.

You know, and it's just like this little, like, thing just sort of flashes and it's like, uh-oh. Man, I know you you're playing with fire, man. You mean you can't get to a meeting and they got these things in South Africa? And you can't get to a meeting at all? Really?

Wow. That simply amazes me, man. I know when I, started, going to meetings out of my area where I lived in Lancaster and started like this nomad attitude and just start going to meetings all over, man. It's so beautiful to hear the same thing differently. You know, just going to the different means and looking at all the different people.

And then you see certain personalities in a meeting, and you go, oh, that's like he's like Dennis over at the you know, there's the mean people, the nice people, the people that are gonna love you until you kill yourself. You know, there's there's all these little characters and all the different meanings. And and as long as those meetings don't affect AA as a whole, it's all good. Nothing goes wasted in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, and today, right now, on the job, they're they're they're telling me that they're gonna have a 20th anniversary party in Sacramento for my job.

And the company has been around for 20 years, and everybody's gonna go to Sacramento for 2 days. Yippee. Let's all go drink. And it says on the flyer, drinks on us. Yeah.

Well, you know, alcohol you know, don't worry about the booze, basically. That's what my head here is. And and everybody come. And I'm sort of like, you know, kinda like a hero in the office I work in. I'm I'm good until they fire me properly, you know.

And, and they said, everybody's we're all going to Sacramento. It's on the second, you know, the 2nd June. And, the 2nd June, my friends know that's that's my, HNI panel. I go to Warm Springs on that. The 1st Saturday of every month, I've had that panel for over 10 years.

And and and and my head doesn't go alcohol, flyer, going up there waving at everybody, you know, warm springs. My my first reaction, and I put this on my sobriety date is, oh, well, I won't be going. And that's what I'm wanting to put out on the table tonight. It's like, if you're committed, it's cool. If you're not, that's alright too.

But don't expect me not to have the wisdom to know the difference. And, I'm committed to Alcoholics Anonymous, man. I'm not going to no goddamn Sacramento to watch them drinking. And, you know, because then because I they give awards and stuff. Right?

They, you know, they give, like, these, they give certificates and stuff for different events. And I could just see them now giving me the best of the best whatever award. And let's have a toast. You know? And I know the I know those people I work with.

They will not be drinking Martinelli's apple cider. Okay? Those people are gonna have booze. And I'm not afraid to go. I'm smart enough not to go.

And and I learned that through having a psychic change as a result of the steps. I'm not afraid to go. In fact, if they told me if you don't come, we're gonna fire you, I'd go. I'd find the meeting in Sacramento, and I'd make sure it's real close to that event, and I would just run back and forth to that hall all day long, you know. But instead, I'm gonna go do my panel, you know.

I'm grateful to be sober. I'm grateful for our call. It's anonymous. And I'm grateful for the commitment that God has allowed me to make on a daily basis to give this thing a shot one more time. Because on certain days, it gets really really crazy.

I'm gonna tell my Marcellus story and sit down. The the time that I went to, Sacramento, I was also very sick during that time period. And I was ignoring the symptoms of my illness, and they still haven't labeled it yet. But I was basically bleeding to death. And I had gotten down to 4.1, as a blood count, when my blood count the the weight I am should be about 15 or 16, which means I was basically bleeding to death.

And, I called Marcela the day before I got in town, and I was telling her my symptoms and everything, telling her how I felt. And, and I was just saying, when I get back, I'm gonna go, you know, straight to the doctor. But I got you know, I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna sleep for a little while and rest from being on the airplane, and then I'll go turn myself in, you know, because I don't like the doctor. Because they have a license to practice medicine and who the hell do you think they're practicing on.

Right? And, so I don't really just run to the doctor every time I see something. And Marcela yelled at me. And Marcella, if you know her, does not yell, especially at my ass. You know what I mean?

But, we waved that that one, afternoon and she yelled at me and told me, no. When you get back that next morning, I'm gonna come and get you and take you to the doctor. And, you know, and Eridias was with her too. And we went over there. And I, you know, I felt like, you know, alright.

Yeah. Okay. I'm here. It's gonna be alright. And then they said, we're gonna keep you here.

You cannot leave. We can't you can't you need a blood transfusion. You're gonna die. You're gonna continue to bleed to death. And so I told Marcela to go call my family and all that, and she just really did that for me.

And it really worked out pretty good because I'm standing here boring the hell out of you. So if you don't like this pitch, you gotta talk to her after the meeting. She's the one that provided this for you. In closing, you know, I just wanna share briefly that, you know, Alcoholics Anonymous is where it's at, man. If you think that you've come here because you've been sentenced to a life of boredom and, you know, not being able to drink and party, you you know.

That's okay if you can keep believing that all you want. But what I have found here is a way to stay here. I have found a way to not leave, and it all worked out for me up until today. So I'm gonna try it again tomorrow, you know, hopefully. My head is really weird.

You may have to take my number. You may have to call me back if I call you. You may have to even call me if I don't call you. See? Because when I say, hi.

My name is Deandre. I'm an alcoholic. That means you're supposed to watch me, you know, and keep yourself in mind, you know. And I understand that today. And I believe that being connected keeps us from being misdirected.

Because there's a lot of people around AA, man. There's a lot of people here. And we can't judge and and put people out of meetings and stuff like that. But what we can do is separate the ice cream from the bullshit. We're allowed to do that.

You know? And all I know is that when I got sober, those people let me know that this was sober and that is drunk. There was a distinction between what these men and women were doing in here and what the hell goes on out there. And they asked me to come and join them. You know?

And I refuse to believe that they wanted me to bring all that crap I was doing out there in here to help them keep this thing afloat. I don't think that's what they meant. I think they wanted me to surrender some stuff. And we don't surrender. Right?

Because if you see in certain movies when they say, alright. Freeze. Hold it right there. Some people just lay down their weapon or you know? But me, I'm an alcoholic.

You tell me, freeze. Hold it right there. And I take my gun and I just throw it at James. I don't I don't surrender right. I'm not good at surrendering.

You know? Because I got a mental you know, the book tells me that there's a mental issue. Yeah. I got some mental problems. You know?

Drinking myself to death and then blaming the people who brought me into the world. That's what I do. You know? Anyway, I'm grateful to be sober. I'm grateful that Alcoholics Anonymous is real.

And if you have not yet found an answer malady of drinking yourself to death and blaming other people and, and doing all this stuff and saying that it's somebody else's fault. The judge, the your mom, whatever. If you haven't found an answer, I hope you join us because we have 1, and it works real slow all the time. And that's what I needed, man. I needed something that was gonna work real slow all the time because you know how we are.

We wanna get it, bottle it up, sell it, make money off of no. That's not what it does. You know, it lasts too. I mean, I thought about drinking about 2 weeks ago. I was really angry about something.