Steps 10, 11 and 12 at the CPH12 v8 convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

K. I have some requests. So, I'd oh, my booster seat's not here. I had some requests about some things or some topics or some, things that people want me to elaborate on in my talk today. Things that I've mentioned over the past couple days that I do.

I've actually been doing something very different with steps 10, 11, and 12, over the past couple of years that have made a real difference in my recovery. They're not something they're something that I do because of who I am. I don't I don't say to people, oh, if you don't do it my way, connected with God in a very, very strong way, because based on my own will, my own self, I'm going to be fearful, selfish. I'm going to behave bad. Manipulate.

I'm going to get angry, resentful. And I'm just not going to be the type of person that I want to be. And I've been taught a way to do steps 10, 11, and 12 that have made a big difference and have helped me to, you know, gain some level of real freedom in my life. Oh, my booster seat. Thank you.

There we go. It sucks being short. But it's one of those things that we just need to accept. But, I mean, the thing is is and the reason why I like you know, I talk a lot about spiritual sickness when I talk. You know, I don't talk so much about alcohol, you know, drinking.

And, I mean, I talk a little bit about it so you know that I'm an alcoholic. But the thing is is, you know, when you get sober at 18, how much drinking did I really do? Maybe 6 years? You know? I drank enough to know that I'm an alcoholic.

I drank enough to know, who I am. And I definitely drank enough to be here. But I tell you what, it's you know, we you ever read the to the wives in the family afterward and it talks about, the different types of alcoholics? It says, you know, you had the type 1 alcoholic, you know, Kinda take it or leave it. Gets in a little bit of trouble.

You know, you have the type 2. He's getting a little worse. You know, people start getting mad at him. You know, he's sort of a binge drinker. Then you have type 3, who starts to go to rehabs.

And, you know, he's getting into some real trouble losing jobs and stuff. And he has type type 4 that's, like, committed. I'm kinda like a type 2, type 3 drinker and a type 5 spiritual malady. In fact, my own husband, who I love very, very much, you know, and tolerates me very well, very well considering how, demented I can be, says I'm a type 5 alcoholic when it comes to spiritual malady. Because I've been sober for quite a while.

But I have a progressive spiritual disease which will kick the living crap out of me on any given day. I mean, just kick my ass. Emptiness, a lot about the fear, a lot about the selfishness, a lot about those, those things. You know, a lot about what my sponsor explains to me, or explained to me that my alcoholism comes at me and, hidden. You know, I don't fight alcohol anymore.

You know, Bob talked a lot about that, about the 10 step promises and being safe and protected. I can go anywhere and do anything. When I talk about the 12 step, I'm going to talk to you about buying tequila for a and watching her drink it because that's what we needed to do. That's a whole another story. But I'm safe and protected.

I can walk into a liquor store. I can buy booze and not want to drink it Because God has relieved me of that. On the other hand, alcohol doesn't come at me through anymore. It comes at me through my ego. It comes at me through fear.

It comes at me in that little voice that says, Carrie, they're all gonna laugh at you. Carrie, you need that $300 pair of jeans, you know? Screw making that amends. You really need those jeans. They make you look skinny.

Carrie, you know, it's not fair that your sponsees think you're mean. Carrie, it's not fair that your husband watches so much TV and is on the computer. Carrie, it's not fair, you know, and ad infinitum. My disease comes at me. My alcoholism comes at me that way.

My alcoholism comes at me and says, Carrie, do you know how spiritual you are? You're a very spiritual girl. You meditate for 2 hours a day. You sponsor a lot of women. You rate a lot of 4 steps.

You're very spiritual. You don't need to go to AA anymore. You graduated. You can go somewhere else. You know, that's how alcoholism talks to me.

That's how alcohol talks to me. It hides. It hides behind my ego. It hides behind my fear. It hides behind self centered fear.

And those are the very things that will bring me back to the bottle. But see, I see the bottle coming now. I see the bottle and I say, no. That's bad. Don't go there.

So, alcohol has to be sneaky. And that's why in the 10 step it talks about it says, you know, I have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. So how is alcohol gonna get me? It's gonna get me on the basis and the maintenance of my spiritual condition. And I talked to you about hitting emotional bottoms and recovery.

And then I've hit many of them. I've had many beautiful spiritual experiences that have transcended my life and I've forgotten about them just weeks months later. You know, I've I've actually felt the presence of God run through my body. Within 2 years, I was back to being the same schmuck I was before I had that experience. Because what I've learned, before I had that experience.

Because what I've learned is that what I did for my sobriety today yesterday does not guarantee me today. And that these spiritual experiences, although they're beautiful, I need to maintain them. You know, I don't like to talk about 10th and 11th and 12th step as maintenance steps because I really hate that. Because I think it makes it seem like, you know, it's work or you're treading water or it, like, it loses the spiritual momentum of these steps. What these steps for me are the broadening and deepening steps.

They are the culmination of all the work that I've done thus far. You know, I spoke yesterday in the 6th and 7th step and I said that, You know how to work the 6th and 7th step? 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12. You ever wanna really have a character defect be removed? Make amends for it a 1000 times.

You know, judgment, gossip. I've I've I've been a gossip or a judge judgmental in Alcoholics Anonymous and I've had to go back to those that I've judged and make amends for those harms. You know. For gossip, how about gossiping? Make amends to the person you gossiped about and then go make amends to everybody you gossiped to.

You'll stop doing it sometimes. Or you'll do it less, you know. And that's the point here. Is that these steps for me are what the way that I live my life, when we talk about that design for living, 10, 11, and 12 is my design for living. It is my it is what I do and how that I go through my day.

It's how I have relationships with others. And it's how I avoid the bottle when it comes to me hidden and, you know, cloaked in in in lies and fear. Because it does. It talks to me. And so I'm gonna tell you about how I do I have this thing called 10 Step Buddies.

And I talked about it and I've hinted and I hope that I have you sufficiently interested to find out what the heck this thing is. It's really cool. It's like the coolest thing ever. In fact, I just did one, like, what, 5 minutes ago? What it is, is this, is that when I'm disturbed, or I'm frightened, or I'm angry, or I'm irritated, or you know, blocked off from God.

You know, we all know this. It says, you know, we watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. Right? So I go through my day and I watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear, you know, your normal 10th step. But I followed the directions of the 10th step exactly to the letter.

Exactly. So when I'm selfish, dishonest, resentful, afraid, I stop. And I say, I'm selfish, dishonest, resentful, afraid. What am I afraid of? What am I being selfish?

What is, you know Where am I And it's typically so and so. I'll give an example. My husband will love this. My husband's not behaving the way that I want him to. You know?

He, he didn't he didn't say that I put on a dress and he and I was like, how do I look honey? And he he's on the computer and he goes, good. And I'm like, oh, you're supposed to say you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Can I marry you again? You look good.

And then I go, you didn't even look at me. And he goes, yes, I did. I'm like, okay. So Carrie gets selfish, dishonest, resentful, afraid. My husband is not sufficiently worshiping me in the way that I'd like.

I'm dishonest because I believe that he should kneel at my feet because I'm a princess. I'm a I believe that he should kneel at my feet because I'm a princess. I'm a princess who peed in the gutter but I'm a princess nonetheless. So he should he should grab my beautiful, bejeweled slipper that he didn't buy me. And he should kiss the ground that I walk on.

And I should, no matter how fat I get, be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen because I gave birth to his children. And so therefore, I deserve to be worshipped. I hear them the the dads laugh at that one. He owes me. This is what goes out of my head.

I'm I'm not kidding. This is why I tell you alcohol talks to me and it talks to me through all kinds of crazy things. So, okay. So then I'm I'm dishonest. And then I'm afraid.

Because if he doesn't think that I'm pretty in this dress, maybe he thinks somebody else is pretty in another dress. Maybe there's some girl that he thinks is even prettier. Maybe he'll actually look up from the computer at another girl. Uh-oh. Then I'm threatened.

Uh-oh. Then I'm threatened. So then, I stop. And I say, okay, instead of saying, how dare you not pay attention to me? I say, okay.

God, this is what's going on in my heart, in my head. I'm asking you to remove it. And then I do exactly what the 10th step says. It says that it says that we discuss it with another person at once at once, Immediately. At once.

Not when I feel like it, not 3 hours later, not when it occurs to me to do it, or when I run into somebody who's perfect enough to do it because somebody who's spiritual enough to hear this beautiful opus of a resentment inventory that I have So that means sometimes if I'm on the bus, it means turning the person next to me and say, I'm being selfish because I expect this bus to run on. I'm dishonest. And I don't think that I think the world should run on my stop. And to, or I have a fear of being late and therefore, So they just, yeah, okay. Well, she didn't spit on me, so all right.

I've done this in the middle of class. I'm in I'm in university, and I've turned to the person next to me and said, I'm afraid of failing my test. I'm afraid of failing my test. I'm in fear. I'm afraid.

I'm being selfish because I want to control the situation. I didn't study enough. I'm being dishonest because I expect test to be easy for me because I'm special. Because don't you know all the work I do in AA? I should get extra credit.

You know, and then I say, you know, is there anything I could do to be of service to you? And they say, oh, can well, can you give me the answers? Or can I have a pen? You know. But this is what I do.

And this is what I do all the time. And when I don't when I can't turn to the person next to me or if it's a doozy of a resentment, you know, I pick up the phone and I dial my sponsor. And I call I sometimes there are days when I call her 5 times a day. I mean, I have 3 kids and I have a very busy life and I'm pulling my hair out sometimes and, you know, and I need to call her 5 times a day and I do 5, 10 steps, you know. And she takes every single one of them because it takes one minute.

Exactly what I explained to you. I'm selfish. I'm dishonest. I'm resentful and afraid. For a I'm sharing it with you.

And now I'm going to turn my attention to someone I can help. I'll cook dinner for my family. The longest one was 1 minute and 45 seconds. That's all. And I tell you what You ever like walk through the day and like maybe you're in the office or maybe you're home and you're and like maybe you're in the office or maybe you're home and you're just in a mood and no one's behaving the way you want them to.

And you keep stopping and pausing. You keep watching and you go right back there like in like you have like on a record and the needle stuck in that groove, and you just can't get out, and you're just spinning and spinning and spinning. They used to happen to me all the time. I would behave well, but my mind was a sewer. Head, I was wishing you crucified in dead 35 times over.

I'd be, you know, because, you know, I was stuck in that groove. And I kept going back to it. I kept going back to it. And I kept going back to it. And I couldn't ever get pulled out of that.

And I found that this method of doing the 10 step and what I'm talking about works phenomenally. Now, not only do I have a sponsor, but I have a couple friends that are my 10 step buddies. And they call me. I hear these things. I hear there's some you know, like, I get calls like 5, 6 times a day from them.

And I just, you know, if I'm available and, you know, they call my cell phone if, you know, my cell phone turned off, obviously, they call the next person on their list. And they call me. And I hear, do you have time for a 10 step? Sure. My own sponsor does this with me.

She does 10 steps with me just like I do with her. That's what I said to you yesterday when I said that, you know, we walk shoulder to shoulder, That there are no authorities in Alcoholics Anonymous. There are people who have more experience. That's it. That doesn't make me an authority.

That just makes me lucky because I got here before you. That's it. Because we don't go into the gossip. So she doesn't call me up, and I don't call her up and say, that bastard because I'm not calling to spread my drama and my sickness. I'm calling to get out of it.

Because you ever talk yourself you ever do take you ever take responsibility and, you know, you're sitting there and you're doing inventory. You're you're doing a 10 step and you're talking to somebody. Maybe you're talking to your sponsor, you know, And maybe you had a really big resentment that day and you wrote out a 4 column resentment inventory, which I do when I have a big resentment. Along with doing a written nightly review, which I will get to. I'm really anal when it comes to the steps.

I'm very anal. You don't have to be, but, you know, if you're sick as me, you have to be. So, you ever like take you ever do a, resentment inventory on something that's bugging you? And by the time you're done, you write that inventory, maybe you share it with somebody, you call your sponsor up with it. And by the time you're done and you're in your 4th column, you've talked yourself back into your 2nd column and you're pissed off again.

You ever do that? I call it the turnaround. That I've taken responsibility or what I think is responsibility but I'm still pissed off and I'm still in the emotion of it. And I'm still seeing red. So I intellectually know where I'm at fault.

But emotionally, I'm not willing to let go of my right to be right. And I talk myself right back into that second column. See, when I do a 10 step, I'm not allowed to do that because I'm not allowed to tell my sponsor, well I mean, obviously, when I come to work for guidance, say, you know, Kim, I don't know how to handle this situation. What do you suggest? And she usually tells me write inventory, pray and call me back.

But I don't call her up saying, oh, so and so did this. I call up saying, so and so is not behaving the way I want them to. Because in the end, that's really what what my resentment is about. My resentment isn't about what you did, but but what I want you to do and what you're not doing. You know, because if I know that and this is something that I was talking with somebody yesterday about.

It's like, I have this habit. Like, I'll just walk up to somebody, anybody, and I'll be like, I love you. I'm going to invite you into my house. I'm going to give you a big hug. I'm going to be lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey.

Please love me because I love you. And then I don't like stop to think, well, gee, who is this person? Smart thing to let them into my into my innermost You know, we can love everybody, but we don't have to get attached to everybody. You know what I'm talking about? I have a habit of getting attached to people who cannot or will not be emotionally available to me.

It's just, like, silly crazy thing that I do, you know, where I I get attached to people who cannot be available to me. And then when they're not available to me, I get mad at them even though I totally knew that they weren't available to me because I've seen them in their life and I totally know that I'm not special. But I think that I am because I think I'll win you over so that you so, you know, I can prove to you I'll be really nice to you and you'll be emotionally available to me and you're not. You ever do that? Yeah.

The women know. We know. This is our this is our bag, baby. This is how our spiritual sickness expresses itself. Yeah.

Part of part of doing this work is really seeing these expectations, seeing the sickness play itself out. And part of the reason why I do the 10 steps the way that I do is so I don't go there. It's a way that God can come into my life and edit it as I go through my day. I also stopped. I told you yesterday, I talked about the set aside prayer when I was yelling at somebody.

And I was talking about it and I said, during the question and answers, I said that, you know, I stop 5, 10 times a day and I say the quick set aside prayer. I ask God to help me to set aside everything I think I know and ask God to please show me what blocks me off from him and my fellows. You know, I I read pages 86 to 88 every day. From this thought brings me to step 10 to the end of the 11th step. It's part of my prayer and meditation.

I sit quiet once a day forever however long. I mean, I have a 10 month old, so it used to be that I sat quiet for about 45 minutes. Now, I'm averaging about 20. And I figure my sponsor says that it's okay. She's like, it's alright, Carrie.

You know, because I have to be a spiritual giant, so I meditate longer than you. If you meditate 20 minutes, I meditate 25. If you meditate 50 minutes, I meditate 55 minutes. Because, you know, I have to be more spiritual than everyone else and compete, you know. So my I might, I realized that, you know, that meditating for 45 minutes was causing was causing chaos in my life because I had to wake up so so much earlier to do it before I got my kids ready for school.

And when you have a newborn and you're feeding them all the time and you're not sleeping but 3 hours a night, they end up having a grumpy mom. And that extra 20 minutes of sleep makes a big difference. So for me, I had to be willing to meditate less to be more effective in my life, if that makes any sense to you. And that what I'm talking about is not being attached to the I I've heard somebody say it and he's one of my favorite people. He talks about not, he talks about not being attached to the mountain which you ride.

That, you know, like we're riding a donkey, you know, to God. And that, you know, I need to not be attached to that donkey. That it's the destination, the God, the getting close to God that is the real goal here and not how I do it. Because how we do it is individual for each one of us, you know. And it's another the old saying is like, don't mistake the finger pointing for the to the moon for the moon.

It's the same idea that, you know, for me, how I meditate, what I do, my 10, 11 step, the steps themselves, my sponsor, the direction, and all those things, That's the finger pointing to the moon. But my ultimate goal or what I really wanna gain contact with isn't with that finger, but with the moon itself. Sponsors know I'm very, very fallible because I do 10 steps with them. I call them up and I do the same thing. So they understand.

They see my cleavage just like I see my sponsors. But you know, I also trust her guidance implicitly. I respect her. And I know that if she tells me something about myself, she asked me to consider something or she gives me direction, I know that she has what's best for me in mind. Doesn't mean that I might take something in meditation.

It may not be true. Consider that, you know, in this situation, you know, you're being x, y, and z. And I'll say, okay, Kim. I'll think about that. And I'll take into the meditation.

And turns out I'm a, b, and c. But I'm still being bad, but she's not in the way that she suggested that I might be. So I come to her and I say, Kim, you know, I took him to meditation, but I think this is more the problem. I'm more attached to this. She says, okay.

We'll keep meditating with it. Doesn't mean that everything she says about me or everything she says is always accurate. But what it is is that I know that if she says something, I really need to consider whether or not it's true. Because it's probably very in the time that I worked with her, it's been twice where I've said, you know, I don't know if I agree with that. You know, that's pretty good track record, you know.

And she's the type of person who doesn't have to fight for her right to be right. So she says, okay. You know, it doesn't mean that I'm imperfect though because sometimes, like my, my sponsor likes to tease me and she says all the time, she says that I, I'm a fighter. Because she'll take you know, sometimes when there's definitely when I'm stuck in myself or I don't see things or I don't want to see something, she'll bring something to my attention. My first instance is like, no, screw you.

You know? And I have to hold on to that and stop and pause and ask God to open my you know, so I might say to her like, Kim, can I pray for a second before you finish what you're saying? And I'll pause right there just like, you know, we talk about in the 10th step. And I ask god to help me to have sanity. And then I listen to what she has to say, and I say, okay.

You know, the the 2 most beautiful the one 2 most beautiful words. The 2 most beautiful letters in the the alphabet are o and k. Okay. And the other thing I love is whatever. Not in the snotty, oh, whatever.

You know, like, you know, but whatever. Just, okay, whatever, man. You know, my so when my sponsor says something to me, it's okay. Something. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no idea how to because they I felt they hurt me.

And to trust any one person with guidance, with my life, with my fist step, to to to have them be a part of my daily life and not some place I visit on vacation, But to have that intimacy was the scariest thing for me, especially with a woman. Oh, see, men, I can I can manipulate? And, you know, men are real easy to to wrap around your little finger. I'm sorry, guys, but you you're a little dumb, you know. So I'll, you know, I'll tell men anything.

Oh, yeah. Because I can I can give Patty little lies? You know, like, I'll think I'm taking responsibility. Oh, I'm gonna do a 10 step with so and so. And then I tell him and I bet my little lies.

I'm like, oh, you poor thing. Oh, can I buy you a cup of coffee? Pat pat on the head. Here's a cookie. You tell women, they're like, Oh, really?

Let's talk about that. You know? And you get a boot up your ass instead of a cookie and a pat. You know? So to trust a woman and to really open my life up to her and I will be willing to do this with her, call her on a regular basis every day, call her with my nightly review, open my life up and to do that and to have that with her, that constant thing.

She I don't fart without her knowing about it. And not because she's controlling, but because I know it's what's best for me. To have that is a really scary thing for somebody like me. Because I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified of you knowing me and running screaming from me.

And the fact is I can call that woman 57 times a day with 10 step and she would love me the same as the day before when I called her with 1. She loves me no matter what I do. Just like I was taught to love the women I sponsor no matter what I do. You know, my let me just quickly I have 10 minutes. I don't wanna go over.

You guys are definitely hungry, and you've been very patient this morning and this weekend. So I'm gonna try to be as concise but as to give as much information as possible. I write out my nightly review as well. So I have a pad and I answer those 12 questions. You know, I let I love it.

You know, I've my big book opens automatically to these pages. You know, when I retire at night, I constructively review my day, not deconstructively. I don't beat the crap out of myself. Where was I resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? So all those 10 steps I did during the day, if they're not on my nightly review, my sponsor's gonna know about it.

I'm gonna know about it. Where do I do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself? So did I not do a 10 step? Sometimes, I tell you what, I'm asleep and I don't even realize that I was disturbed or something bugged me or I rationalize it in my head and then I sit down to do a review and I realize that there were a couple phone calls I should have made because I had a day in which I thought that I can think my way through my life.

And I take responsibility for that. So I say to my sponsor, no. I didn't do 10 steps or didn't do enough or skipped one because I was busy. I was busy. I had things to do.

Cool thing is I can be running out the door and I can be I can be disturbed and I could pick up that phone and I can call my sponsor. I can call the list on there. I can call anybody, turn to somebody on the bus. I can we live in a world in which we do not come into not come into contact with people. We have the internet, email.

I mean, there is no way I could avoid doing a 10 step other than the fact that I don't want to do You know? So did I do a 10 step? Did I was I disturbed and not do it? I it's very rare that I have a day where I was kind and loving to all, because it's very rare that I have a day where I haven't done a 10 step. I've been doing them all weekend, man.

What could I have done better? So then I think, well, what could I have done better in my day? Well, in those 10 steps, what could I have done better? What could I have taken in you know, how could I have behaved? Usually, the the the patty answer is always pray, pause, and rely on God.

And then whatever action I should have taken instead of the action I did, which is, you know, yell, scream, cry, throw a fit, throw things, you know, or seize the silent scorn. We love I love that one. The, I'm really mad at you, but I'm not gonna let you know. So I'm just gonna, you know, just pout in a corner, you know. So what should I have done instead, you know.

And then, what what could I have done, what could I have done better? Was I thinking about myself most of the time? Yeah. And then I pause and pray or I do a 10 step right there. I've stopped in the middle of the 10 step and I said, look, can I do a 10 or a 5th step?

And I said, can I do a 10 step with you? I'm being selfish because I really want you to finish. I'm being dishonest and blah blah blah. And I'll do that and they'll they'll we'll laugh together. That I'm sitting there and sometimes I'm not present.

There have been a multiple times when I'm doing step work with somebody or I'm here at a fist step. And I'll stop and be like, look. I'm I'm full at the moment. Can we stop? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Can we, you know, just take a 5 minute walk? You know, instead of pretending that I'm so spiritual I can listen to 8 hours of a fist step because, you know, I'm a I'm a spiritual giant. I can take it. If you could dish it, I could take it. But I'll stop and be like, can we get a cup of coffee?

Can, you know, can we just take a get a fresh air breath you know, brush of fresh air? I can't talk this morning. And, you know, go back to it. And you know what? Admitting that to my gives them the license and makes them willing to talk to me about the things going on in their life.

Because they're not afraid of my judgment because they know that I'm just like them. So was I thinking of what I could do for others? That answers I I my sponsor tells me that I can't answer it half and half. There's no percentages. I used to do percentages on my nightly review.

Well, I thought about myself 50% of the time. And she was like, look, no percentages. It's either yes or no. So that answer is usually not enough. You know, so the answer is usually no.

It doesn't mean that I go through my day and I never think of other people. In fact, I try to live my life of service. I try to live my life where I where my constant thought of others and how I can help meet their needs. But do I fail miserably? Yeah.

Do I think enough about other people? No. I do. Because Do I think enough about other people? No.

I don't. Because I don't I'm human being and I'm not capable of that perfection, but I try and fail miserably. And what are my constructive measures? Do I owe an amends? You know, is there something I need to take into meditation?

Is there a review is there an inventory I need to write? Is there something I need to do? And then I call my sponsor up with it. You know how long it takes to read that? Roughly 4 minutes.

I've timed it on the average. Sometimes 2. Depends on how bad a day it was. So roughly, if you think of it an average day for me, my nightly review, my 10 step takes me almost 8 minutes. I average about 4 10 steps a day, because I am not perfect.

I've gone days where I haven't had a heck to do any. I get those about once a week. Yesterday was a day when I really didn't have a lot of 10 steps. Today yesterday was a very clean day. I had one.

Today I've had one and it's only 11. So, like, lord knows what the hell I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. But my thing is is this, is that roughly it takes me 8 minutes to do this. 8 minutes out of 24 hours that I'm free. 24 hours and I'm way more effective, that I'm not locked by myself, that I'm not in my own way, and where I'm of service to God, where I'm present for my kids, they know that their mom is home, that their mom is not spinning in her head, thinking about all the other problems going on in her life, that I'm not there when I'm playing legos with my son or at his baseball game.

They you know, this is the beauty of this this this process. I know it sounds very laborious in the way that I explained it, but it's 8 minutes a day. You average in meditation for it takes me about a half hour a day. And I live a life of freedom and of service, A life where I can really be okay in my own skin and feel safe. You know, and I have 4 minutes to talk about the 12 step, which you know what?

When we do the when we do the family afterward, I use that chapter in my in my, 12 step and how I sponsor. So you're also you're gonna hear a lot about how I sponsor in when I come back here. So I'm just gonna give you a little bit I and as obviously, as I talk, I've been talking to you about the 12 step. I tell you how I apply it with the and, you know, how I hear fist steps. And one of the things and this is something that I think is extremely important.

I think that and, Bob touched on this as well. Some of us I have been guilty of this. I've lost sight of my 12th step. There are times when I'm feel like I'm too busy to help the newcomer. I I remembered like a couple months ago, I was really tired.

My son was teething and I hadn't slept in a couple days. And I was laying in my bed and I had decided that I was going to ditch home group. You know, I I have a commitment there. I was a secretary, but I I got somebody to cover it. And I'm laying in bed And I'm thinking, I'm really tired.

And I had I had heard a fist step earlier that day as well. So I hadn't slept in a couple days, and I had heard a fist step. I was really punchy. And I was laying in bed and I said, you know, I'm really tired. I don't need to go to so many meetings.

This is what's going on in my head. You know, I do a lot of 12 step work. You know, I probably shouldn't take on any new sponsors. You know You know what? You know what?

I don't want to go to Denmark. It's really far away. It's gonna take a lot of time. I'm gonna go back and take a bunch of test when I come back. You know, the day after I land, I have like exams and 2 papers due.

You know, I don't think I need to go to AAA anymore. Took about 60 seconds. I shot shot bolt up and said, holy shit. Picked up the phone, called my sponsor, 10 stepped, and walked out the door, in my pajamas, went to home group. You know.

So my ego can ease me back out of the door. And I begin to think, I don't need to do this 12 step. And when I was there, there were 3 newcomers that that were there that night that I needed to help. Because us women, as big book thumpers, as people who do the steps and have had a spiritual awakening, we're a rare breed. Not so much in this room, which I am really heartened for.

It's like awesome to see so many women who are sitting here. Usually, there's like 5 women and a bunch of men, I said, this is awesome. But in America, especially, there's not a lot of women. We're a rare breed, you know. And so we have a responsibility to show, you know.

And so we have a responsibility to show up in the sponsor. I can't sit on my fat ass because there's not gonna be anybody else who's gonna step up to that plate. Because there's not gonna be anybody else who's gonna step up to that plate. Because there's not a lot of women who have been lucky enough to have this experience. You know, in in New Jersey, there's my sponsor, my old sponsor, Cass, who actually just moved, so she's not even in Jersey anymore.

I'm sorry. Her and 2 other women who are very good friends of mine who are who have over a decade of working the steps. That's it. Sounds pretty good, but we got a millions of people in Jersey. It's a big place.

There There's 12,000 meetings with newcomers walking in and there are only 5 to 6 women with over a decade of working the 12 steps. And unfortunately, I'm one of them. And that's really sad if you've gotta go to me. You know, think about that. That's a real sad state of things, man.

Years. That's really sad. That's the saddest thing I have ever heard. I I've I look at it this way. And probably people when I get older, I'm not gonna be able to do this.

But I'm 30. I'm from Jersey. I'm an Irish woman. I'm a brat. So I feel like I can get away with it.

But I've said to people, like, how dare you sit at her when there are alcoholics? That's like telling God, thank you very much for the gift of life, but screw you. I mean, frankly, And my I had a sponsor who called me a couple months ago and she's like, you know, I haven't been to a meeting in 3 weeks and I'm not going anymore. And she got a boot so far up her ass, it came out her mouth. I was like, how dare you?

And I yell at her for Well, I didn't yell, but I talked very animatedly for about 10 minutes. And she said, you're right. And she went, you know. Because it's been my experience and I have been taught that is incredibly selfish of me to take my ball and go home. That yes, it it's hard working with newcomers.

It's hard doing this thing. You have to have a lot of patience and tolerance. You hear a lot of crazy stuff. You know, you get get a lot of midnight, 3 o'clock in the morning phone calls. And when you're with like me, you don't get a lot of sleep.

I mean, they suck sometimes. You hear a lot of fist steps. You do a lot of and you will have people who you will sponsor for years who will decide who will go out and drink. Who will go out and drink. You'll have people that will sponsor for years who will decide who will go out and drink.

You'll have people that will sponsor for years who will decide who will go out and drink. You'll have people that will sponsor for years who will decide that you're a complete ass and go around telling everybody about it and you have to sit quiet because you're not allowed to defend yourself like my sponsor taught me because you don't defend yourself against gossip because then you're participating in it. It. So you sit quietly and somebody says, so and so says that you're a mean horrible blah blah blah, and you do this and you do that and do this. And I want to say, well, yeah, that's because I told her to stop sleeping with newcomers, But I can't do that.

So I sit quietly and say, really? Well, if you have any questions about that circumstance, I think you should talk to her. And then I call my sponsor and do a 10 step. But I have to be willing to take egg on my face, because I have to be willing to step up to the plate and say the uncomfortable things. My job is to disturb people about their question of alcoholism just like it's my sponsors job to do it for me.

I am not here to make you comfortable because it's seeking comfort that freaking almost killed me. So it is my job to be willing to look bad to have you hate me because I love you more than I need you to like me. Abrasive stuff. And I'll I'm loving about it. And I will I will give you a boot in the ass and a hug and a cookie at the same time because I learned you can't just give a boot in the ass and send them out the door because then they won't come back.