The saturday night speaker at the CPH12 v8 Convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

My name is Bob Darrell, and I am alcoholic. Through the grace of a very loving god that I didn't believe in, found out through the steps, was crazy about me and has no taste. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as they are aligned in this book and the process within. Good sponsorship, commitments in Alcoholics Anonymous, and Bushells and newcomers. I have not had a drink or any mind or emotion altering substance since October 31, 1978.

And for that, I owe Alcoholics Anonymous my life. It's good to be here. I wanted to thank, Arnaud for his talk. It's I after all day today, I tell you, I can't wait to hear what I'm gonna say. I I'm almost tired of the sound of my own voice.

So it'll be interesting to see what comes out. God willing, if he shows up, it's gonna be good. I didn't come from alcoholic family. My, family was pretty normal. There was a lot of love in our household, But I suspect that there was something wrong with me before I ever picked up a drink.

Because way before I could ever ever drink, I didn't really feel like other people looked. I there was a lot of love in our family, but I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't feel it. I could see it, and I could understand it intellectually that it was there, but I couldn't feel it. I was that disconnected from life and the people around me even as a young kid. And nobody did that to me.

I just was born with an inclination towards self involvement. I was born a thinker. There's a lot of thinkers in AA. If you're we don't live life, we ponder it. And I was a ponderer and a thinker and a daydreamer far before I ever picked up a dream.

Always looking for the next thing. Never could appreciate this thing. It's always, what's the next thing? The next thing that's gonna excite me. And I didn't know that I, suffered.

I didn't know that I had something wrong with me when doctor Silkworth, in the doctor's opinion, says something that really applies to me through my whole life. He says, to us, our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. So whatever is wrong with me, I adjust to it and I just think, well, it's just normal. It's the way it is. But I didn't feel like other people looked.

When I was 12 years old, almost 13 years old, this disease of alcoholism within me was touched for the first time by alcohol. An event that I was not aware of really consciously, but an event that would change my life. And my life would never be the same after that. And, basically, really what happened, I was hanging around with a bunch of older kids. And I just want their approval.

I wanna fit. I want their acceptance. And we pulled a little burglary in the neighborhood. We broke into some house, and one of the things we stole was a bunch of bottles of whiskey. And I didn't know nothing about it.

I'd never seen anybody drunk. I didn't even know that it got you high. But I'm watching these kids pass around this whiskey bottle. And when you're always secretly coming from behind, when you always secretly don't feel like other people look, and you're constantly trying to pretend that you're like others, you gotta watch them close. And what I observed is that the bigger hit you took off this bottle, the more attention you got from the other guys.

So the by the time it gets to me, I'm in. I'm in. I don't know. I'm just glad it wasn't cat urine because I'm in. I'm gonna drink whatever that is.

I'm gonna take a big hit off of it. And I took a big hit off that bottle, and it oh, man. About burned me up. But when the burden stopped, I started to feel so good that the way I would be without that feeling from that moment on would never be enough again for me. And without ever realizing it, I just started to live for the opportunity to get lit up.

A matter of fact, it seemed like from that moment on, my life was just I just existed between opportunities to party. And it really was the most important thing in my life. Now if you'd asked me that, I wouldn't have admitted that. I couldn't have even been I don't even think I could have admitted that to myself. But if you would have watched me, what you would have seen is a kind of a depressive mope who just kinda shuffles along and then gets lit lick gets lit up and comes alive.

And that was you could if you were to watch me objectively, you'd think, that's the most that's the only time I ever see this guy happy is when he's lit up, when he's drunk. But there's something wrong with me. And because there's something wrong with me, by the time I'm 15, almost 16 years old, I'm standing before a juvenile court judge for the 3rd time. And I'm standing before that judge because every time I go out to party with my friends, I can't seem to shut it down when you should. I always go a little too far.

I always get a little too whacked. And and when I get really I don't just get drunk. I get drunk drunk. I get and when I get drunk drunk, there's some very bizarre things that seem like a good idea to me. You know, I don't I don't and then the next day, it's like, what was I thinking?

And I don't know that I have alcoholism. I I don't know that I have that one thing that defines alcoholism. And we live in a day and age where a lot of people come into Alcoholics Anonymous as I did that and we use so many other drugs in addition to drinking. We're not sure what we are. We don't we're not sure what 12 step program we should.

We just know we're screwed up. But I'll tell you how you can tell if you have alcoholism. Alcoholism is defined by one characteristic that differentiates us and sets us apart as a distinct entity, as doctor Sillkorth says. And that is an allergic reaction to alcohol. But the allergic reaction is subtle.

It's hard to see it. But what the re the allergic non normal reaction I have to alcohol is that somewhere about the second drink, as I'm starting to feel the effect, the allergic reaction is I break out with a yearning for more of that feeling. And consequently, I can never really ever get enough. I have never, in all my years of drinking, never once sat in a bar or a party passing up something around or drinking at a bar and have the after an hour, have the bartender come over and say, Bob, would you like another drink? I have never once had the experience of sitting there and thinking to myself honestly, no, this is just right.

Never once. Never once. It's always one more, one more, one more, one more. And if you have that, if you can't get enough, you were always gonna drink too much. And so I would burn my life to the ground every time I went out.

I didn't mean to I don't know that I have alcoholism. But I'm standing before this juvenile court judge, and I'm not even 16 years old yet. And I am in a lot of trouble. And my parents, who loved me and would have done anything to help me, are trying to work out a deal with this judge so they don't send me this pretty bad place to be locked up. And instead, they made a compromise, and I had to go somewhere else and live for a while.

And and I go to this other place, and I don't know why I'm there. I just know I'm in trouble. And I'm not even there a week, and I meet this older kid, about 17 and a half, hip kid, one of the hip guys. And I'm telling him my story about how I'm always in trouble and how much I like to drink with my friends and everything. And he's listening to me, and he says to me, he says, so so you like to party, do you?

And I said, yes. I do. He says, will you drink that liquor? That'll make you stupid. Oh, I don't know, man.

I like that liquor. That time in my life, I was drinking that 151 rum. That'll get you downtown now. I mean, I like that stuff. That just light me up.

And he says, well, that stuff will make you stupid. You're always in trouble. Yeah. I know. But I like that.

He says, listen to me. He says, what if I told you that I could give you something that would make you feel as good as that? They won't be able to smell it on your breath. You won't slurry your words. You won't even stagger.

As a matter of fact, no one will even know you're high, and you'll be able to fit a whole week's supply in your shirt pocket. What would you say to that? I don't even know what he's talking about, but I'm just like, sign me up. Right? Because the the idea of not partying is not even on the horizon.

I mean, no. No. That's not. It's not. It's like, oh, I can party over here, not getting as much trouble.

Oh, that's sign me up for that. And he introduced me to drugs, but I gotta tell you something. I'm a real alcoholic. Real alcoholics should not do drugs. We're pigs.

Oh, man. It was bad because every drink drug I ever tried, I tried it alcoholically. I mean, I just took it to the wall. I'm trying to duplicate an effect I'd found in in in 151 rum with with drugs. And oh, it's bad.

And in no time at all, I'm I'm doing amphetamines. But I'm not doing in just doing amphetamines like a drug addict would do amphetamines. I'm doing amphetamines to guys that had been doing it for 10 years are telling me, hey, kid. You better cool it. Right?

And in no time at all, I I think I turned myself into a paranoid schizophrenic or something. I became the guy if you left me alone in your car to go in and get a pack of cigarettes. By the time you come out, I've taken your dash board apart looking for microphones from the FBI. Right? Because I think I think they're everybody's looking for me.

You know? I I'm just nuts. I I I couldn't put 2 sentences together. My head had spin with all I'd be in a group of people that are all talking. My head's spinning.

I'd blurred something out. It was always inappropriate. And then I go, oh, you know, I so people are having less and less to do with me. And a guy came along, and he said, man, you're pretty screwed up. And I said, brew that bad.

You know, whatever. I just sure. Right? He says he says, try some of this. And he hit me up with something.

And I'll tell you, when the throwing up stopped, man, I could think straight, and everything in me went. And he introduced me to heroin, but I'm a I'm a real alcoholic. I'm telling you, we, alcoholics, should not do drugs. It's bad. It's bad.

It's bad. And I took it to the wall and I got so whacked on that stuff. And then I started hitting doctors for pills and smoking all around. And then eventually to come full circle back to alcohol after I've burnt all of that out. And I suspect that I did drugs for the same reason that doctor Bob did drugs.

Do you know that doctor Bob actually, in frequency of use, did more drugs than alcohol. He if you read his story, he did high powered sedatives every single day of his life for 17 years. He did not drink every single day. But doctor Bob was exactly like me. He had the phenomenon of craving.

He had the allergic reaction that only occurs in alcoholics. And the the medications bought him at least a little bit of release and freedom from the emotions that drove him back to drinking. It bought him little periods of abstinence where he could didn't have to burn his life to the ground with alcohol. But every single time doctor Bob drank, he got whacked. I mean, the day that Bill Wilson tried to talk to him, Bill couldn't talk to him because he was taking a nap under the dining room table.

I mean, you gotta love a guy like that. I mean, you know, because I'm that guy. I'm the napper. I'm the I'm the guy that goes out to some club or some party. And if if I don't have some kind of stimulus in about 2 hours, I'm the guy to sleep in the booth somewhere or laying on the floor in the corner, taking a nap.

Because when I start drinking, I can't stop. Now nonalcoholics don't drink like that. My sister's a nonalcoholic. I've watched my sister drink. I mean, I've watched my sister drink like a cat will watch a guy eat a tuna fish sandwich.

I mean, I've watched my sister drink. And the funniest thing happens when she drinks. And you can I look in the eye look her in the eyes and try to see the effect hit her, you know? And about after about 2 drinks, she goes, woah. And she shuts it right down.

And she gets a feeling that she's starting to lose control, and it was it's it's inconceivable to her to keep on drinking to get so drunk. But I'm a different person than my sister. When I start to drink, my reaction to alcohol is not, woah. When I get to the same place, it's like, oh, yeah. Come on, man.

Come on. And it lights me up. And I can't get enough. And I I don't get a feeling like I'm losing control. I get a feeling like I'm getting control.

I get a feeling like every vacancy and incompleteness within me starts to firm up. In the early days of drinking, there's a I tell you something. I think alcohol was the most immediate and most effective treatment for the disease of alcoholism I have ever found. It was dynamic. You could take a guy like me who's who's half depressed all the time, who doesn't fit with people.

I don't know how to mix with people sober. And I could go to a party or I could go to a bar and have 3 or 4 drinks and man, I could come out and play. About 7 drinks and I I loved everybody. Remember that feeling, I love you, man. Right?

I just get that glow on you. You just it'd be with those that gang of guys I hang around with me and I get so connected to them. These are my guys. And then I'd sober up and I'd be back to being me again. The guy who doesn't fit anywhere, the guy who suffers from this funny kind of loneliness that I can't put into words.

The kind of loneliness that you feel even when you're in a crowd of people that like you. The kind of loneliness you feel with your family and you you know they love you, but what's wrong with me? Why don't why aren't why don't I feel a part of them the way they seem to be a part of each other? What's wrong with me? And so I drink.

And in the early days, the magic is the effect of alcohol is stupendous. I I it made me. I could be funny when I drank. I'm not really funny, but when I'm drunk, I'm funny. It lights me up.

I can I can be deep and philosophical? I can remember middle of the night, just getting to that point where you think, oh, this is what Buddha saw. You know? Just get that, oh, yeah. You just see the big I can see the big picture now.

You know? I'd say things that blow my mind. I think, wow. That's heavy. You know?

I could dance when I was drunk. I can't dance, but when I was drunk, I could dance. I could I could play the guitar and sing and better than I could ever play the guitar and sing. I could do everything better. It almost like alcohol immersed me in that zone where everything just clicks.

I couldn't miss. I'd say, if it wasn't for alcohol, I'd probably be celibate to this day. I don't think I would have ever gotten a girlfriend or hooked up with anybody. I'm just too insecure. I'm just too afraid of rejection.

I would have never risked it. I I tell you a little story. I was in about the 7th or 8th grade somewhere. I think 7th grade, junior high school, 8th grade maybe. And I went to a dance because there's a girl in my class that I had a crush on.

And some guy I know showed me a couple dance steps. So I'm going to this dance. I'm gonna ask her to dance. And I'm standing over against the wall in this gymnasium just just terrified. Now I don't know that I'm terrified, but I'm just really uncomfortable.

And I'm trying to psych myself up to ask her to dance. And I'm watching her dance with her girlfriend, and I'm okay. I'm gonna ask her. Alright. Alright.

Next song. Next song. Next song. Next song. The next song you'd come and I'd be, oh, man.

I can't. Next song. And I did that for about a half hour. Finally, I screwed up enough courage, walked over and asked her to dance, and she said no. And I gotta walk back across that 12 mile gymnasium, and everybody's looking at me.

You can feel them. I can't. I don't wanna look at them, but I can feel them looking at me. And did you ever sometimes I get clairvoyant. Like I can I think I know what people are thinking?

Right? You know what I mean? And and I go back over to my wall, and every time somebody looks in my direction, it feels like to me they're thinking, oh, that poor pathetic loser. And I stood over there for a little while till I couldn't take it anymore and bolted out of there, went home, and moped like you're supposed to. I'm gonna tell you something.

I'd have never ever done that again, except later on that year. I was in a dance under the power of 151 rum and Coca Cola. And I gotta tell you, I was smooth. And I could ask girls to dance, and they'd with a confidence and a suave fare. And they would and they would say yes.

And if they said no, oh, is she missing the opportunity of a lifetime here. Right? Now that's power. That's power in a couple glasses of whiskey to change the whole planet. That's power to change my whole reality from a devastating, empty, vacant, desolate life to a connectedness that is beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

It's no wonder in the early days when the hook is set, it's no wonder that that becomes the most important thing in our lives. And if if if you're sitting here and alcohol has never done that for you, then how is it ever gonna get a chance to do to you what it will do later? And I got a chance to do something to me later because it had done that for me at one time. And I'll do anything to duplicate that effect. Because it was the only real substantial treatment for this malady of my spirit that I'd ever found.

It was the only time in my life I felt I felt like you looked. Doctor Silkworth, when he says it, to us, our alcoholic life seems the only normal one. It's the only time I feel normal is when I'm drunk. Now I don't look normal because I fall down and I stagger and I'm in trouble, but I feel normal when I'm lit up. And there's an old story.

They mentioned it in the big book that when they refer Bill Wilson refers to the alcoholic as a real doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde. And if you've ever read doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde in the original version by Robert Louis Stevenson, I identify with with doctor Jekyll a lot. Unlike the Hollywood version where doctor Jekyll was a kind, altruistic scientist, in the book, he was a self obsessed, judgmental guy who didn't fit very well and couldn't get along with anybody. So he was a recluse and a loner, and he stayed in his laboratory. He couldn't even really connect with the woman who was he was engaged to be married with.

He had an absolute inability to connect with other people. And he finds this elixir and he creates this thing and he drinks it. And for the first time in his life, he can come out and play. But he does some horrible, tragic, terrible, terrible, brutal things while Mr. Hyde, as some of us did when we were drunk.

And then there's a point in there where after all the damage he's done and all the the shame he's brought onto his family, he says something that's I thought was amazing. He said, even in the face of all of that, I still liked myself better as mister Hyde than I ever liked myself as doctor Jekyll. And that was my reality. In the face of the trips to jail, in the face of what I've done to my mother and father, in the face of what I did to my sister, in the face of what I the jobs I've ruined, in the relationships I broke, in the face of all the shame and remorse and guilt I've experienced through my drinking, I still liked myself better when I was drunk than I ever liked myself when I was sober. And that was my big secret.

Because I can't tell anybody that because that's crazy in the light of the destruction that I'm creating in my life. That is crazy. I'm not I'm I may be crazy, but I'm not so crazy that I don't know that that's crazy. I mean, I I know that that's crazy thinking. So that's my big secret.

My big secret is it's the only only time I ever really feel complete. But alcoholism is a progressive disease. The book says over any considerable period, it gets worse, never better. And that's really true. I have never heard of one case, never one case of a real alcoholic that's when once alcohol turns on you and stops lighting you up and starts doing something to you, I don't know anyone that's ever been able to roll it back to the good old days.

Most of us die trying to chase something we can't recapture. Because inside me, I don't wanna believe this party's over. I don't wanna believe that this effect, I can't get it anymore. Maybe it was just the last time. Maybe if I would have if I would have had a full stomach, Maybe if I wouldn't drink that rum, maybe I'd drink some natural wine.

But the party can't be over. I gotta get some more drugs. I gotta mix some drugs in here. I'll mix some drugs in here. Maybe the party I can can jump start the party that way.

But I don't wanna believe the party's over. Because what am I gonna do if it is? See, I'm nothing without it. I'm nothing. And I hate that about myself.

I've always hated that about myself. And alcohol made me something. And without it, I'm nothing. I don't fit anywhere. I suffer from low level depressions, loneliness, bouts of anxiety sometimes.

Anxiety almost to the point of paralysis where I can't get off the sofa. I'm so overwhelmed with fear and worry. And so I drink. And I drink because I don't know what else to do. But as this disease progresses, it starts to turn on me and it's the, you know, the all the fun and the ease and the comfort start being leached out of it.

And now I'm drinking and it's it's it's turned bad on me. And now I'm starting to experience more trips to jail and I'm and I liked a lot of things that Arner talked about identified the wet pants. Oh, yeah. The the waking up with you know, if you're 2 years old, diaper rash is cute. You're 20 years old.

That's not cute. How do you explain that to your new girlfriend? Right. It's a bad deal. I was a blackout drinker.

Any blackout drinkers in here? Anybody there? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My people.

I tell you, it's hard going through life when other people know more about you than you do. That's a bad deal. And, you know, I if you're like me, no one ever came up to me the next day and said, oh, Bob, you were so helpful at the party last night. No. I'd hear things like, you peed in our kitchen.

You stole my stash. You hit on my wife. You broke my lamp. You sideswiped my car. You passed out on the front lawn.

Drink in the morning. I used to be shaken in the morning. I needed a drink bad. And I ran into this guy and he says to me, he says, do you know you told everybody last night at the party that you beat Bruce Lee in a karate match? Woah.

I just wanna crawl under a rock somewhere. You know? I just so what what happens as the disease progresses, Now, I'm drinking over my drinking. I have to drink to blot out the the what I did when I was drinking, which causes more bizarre behavior, which causes more bizarre behavior, which causes more feelings of shame and remorse, which fuels the fires of my alcoholism. And this is like a perpetual motion machine.

There seems to be no end to it except maybe oblivion or death. In 1919 71, I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. As a young kid, I wasn't even old enough to take legal drink as of yet. And I was in an institution for the treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction and they sent me to this AA meeting. I didn't wanna go.

I thought it was I think it was stupid AA. Oh, God. I mean yeah. One of my Joe Joe m says something that's funny. Is a muse if there's any musicians in here, you'll you'll get this.

He said I really identify with this. He said when he ended up in Alcoholics Anonymous, he felt like he had joined the Salvation Army Band. You know? For a musician, that's like the bottom of the food chain. I'll tell you.

The Salvation Army band. Oh, no. Oh, that's the way AA feels. It's and it's and the people in AA are weird when you're sitting there and you're a young kid, you got untreated alcoholism, and you don't know what the heck's going on. And you still got hope hope that you can jump start the party.

Hope that you're gonna have some good days left. But I'm just in a foxhole right now because things are bad. I'm here healing up, but it's gonna be good again. I know it. I know it's gonna be good.

But it's a progressive disease and it never is. Never is. And so I I get sober for a while until I just can't take it anymore and I drink again. And I started I started hitting worse and worse bottoms. And and in this progressive disease of alcoholism, there's some funny things that happen.

It gets worse and worse. And all the things you tell yourself, I'd never do that. Oh, yeah. You did. Yeah.

You did. And then you did it again. Right? And there's a a period of time where as the disease progresses, it gets it's more degenerate and more debauchery, and it gets worse and worse. And then the worst thing of all happens.

It gets the same. And then it's the same. And you come to and you're sick and you're shaken and you hate yourself and you wish you were dead and you gotta try to put up enough money together to get a bottle of that cheap wine to or that cheap vodka to blot it out one more time, and you go back to drinking, and it ain't no fun. And now I'm in that stage of alcoholism where I drink and I feel sorry for myself. I drink and sometimes quietly when no one's around, I sob uncontrollably because I hate my life and I hate what I've become.

And I can't stand me. And I can't drink away the remorse and the feelings of shame of what I've done to the love people that love me. I'm shame of what I've done to the love people that love me. I don't bathe anymore because I don't care. I can't there's no more fun left in it.

I drink and it's pathetic. I drink and I'm depressed and miserable. And yet, I stop drinking periodically as I go into a treatment center. I get arrested and I sober up and I I'm not stupid. I understand that this stuff's killing me.

I get it. I understand. So I swear to myself and mean it. Alright. I'm never gonna touch that stuff again.

But you see, the real problem of alcoholism starts where the bottle ends. And that is what is so baffling to me. I go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I I start to I really don't wanna drink anymore. But in short order, I start coming to the conclusion that whatever is wrong with me is not obviously the same thing that's wrong with you. Because I stopped drinking, and I got the depression, the anxiety.

I don't fit anywhere. It's awful. Abstinence feels like I'm doing time. It's bad. And I sit in the middle of alcohol exam, in middle of rooms that of people who stopped drinking, and you're wonderful.

I mean, you're you're grateful for everything, for God's sakes. How do you do that? I don't even like anything. You know, you love everybody. You get along with everybody.

You have these miracle stories. Your life just keeps getting better and better. You know, I remember I remember sitting and losing everything, and I'm sitting in this homeless place for homeless guys. Right? And these members of AA would bring a meeting in here, and it seemed like they were just coming in.

It's you go in there and you stand against the wall, and it's, oh, it's all of them, and then there's me. Oh, oh, we're having fun here. Oh. It's terrible. Alright.

To me, AA has good news and bad news. The good news is that maybe if I went to 1,000 of these stupid meetings nonstop, I'd probably stay sober the rest of my life. And the bad news, I'm gonna live a long time. You see, I'm exactly the guy who talks about the vision for you. I can't imagine life without alcohol, really.

Maybe without alcohol if I had enough drugs, maybe. But I can't imagine life without without alcohol and at least some kind of substance. Something. Give me something, would you? Did something.

Give me something, would you? I tried I I thought I one time I was sober for about 7 or 8 months and I thought, well, I I was in this halfway house and I can't I know I can't drink. I know it's killing me. I know. I know.

I know. But God, I there's gotta be something I can do. And I I thought, you know, marijuana is organic. You know, I've never punched a cop stoned on pot. I might giggle at him, but I've never punched a cop.

I thought, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll try marijuana. That's good. I'll just try that. And I oh.

And of course, I drank again all I and I I made it I made it about, you know, And all I and I I made it I made it about a couple months like that, and I had I got so thirsty that I had to drink again and burn my life to the ground one more time. I remember one time, but I haven't talked about this in a while. I went to a meeting stoned on pot. I mean, really, like, paranoid wacko stoned on pot, trying to look normal. And they grab me and make me chair the meeting.

And I'm standing up here, at the podium, and I can't they're all looking at me. I can't look. I can't look. They're all looking at me. And I'm reading chapter 5.

Rarely have we seen a person fail. Miss Thorely followed her path. And you didn't you just read that line? No. Don't look up.

No. You did read they're gonna know. Oh, and it took me in 4 hours to read chapter 5. And I just I'd I showed him. I stole the money out of the basket, went out and bought a dozen donuts, and slammed them right as soon as the meeting was over.

By the time I got to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1978, I'd been to all the psychiatrists. I tried all the medications. I I tried hypnosis, self hypnosis. I I tried, I I did primal screaming. I did crazy stuff where you lay on the ground and kick your hands and feet, and scream mommy, daddy.

I mean, I try I try I'm telling you. I You think I'm making that up. Well, that used to be a viable therapy in the States years ago. I tried some weird stuff. Oh, man.

I've never tried anything. And no matter what I tried, I'm still me. And I'm the guy who yearns for the effect of alcohol, and I can't quit drinking. And I keep going back to it over and over again. 1919 78, I went on my what was to be my last drunk.

I I didn't know that it was to be my last drunk. And on that drunk, I, I tried to take my own life. And I didn't try to take my own life for anything that you would think a person would kill themselves over. It wasn't for the shame and the guilt, and I had a wealth of that. But I have an ability to roll with that.

You know, I'll just stuff that. I can roll with that. I'll push through that. Why I'm standing on a bridge trying to get up enough courage to kill myself is that I can't I understand something about me I don't wanna understand is that there's no relief in the bottle and the bag for me anymore. None.

And I got nowhere else to go. There's a part in in a vision for you. It says, well, well, someday we'll get to a place where we can't imagine life with it anymore because all the funds rung out of it. It's turned on you, and it's awful. And I can't imagine life without it either because is depressive and lonely and feels like I just can't I can only do short periods of time abstinent.

It says when you get to that place, you'll be at the jumping off place. It says you'll know a loneliness such as few do, and you'll wish for the end. And I'm on a bridge wishing for the end. Not for one reason and one reason only, I have lost all hope. See, I I've tried all the therapy.

I've tried religion. I've tried medications. I've tried everything to change me into the kind of person that's gonna be okay enough sober that I don't have to be compelled to go back to that, that is I can't change me. And yet at the same time, I can't there's no fun in alcohol anymore. I can't imagine life with it, and I can't imagine life without it.

So I'm trying to kill myself. But I am a coward, and I've always been a coward. I can you know, I used to run with gangs of guys, and I'd get locked up and be on those cell blocks. And I can put up a pretty good front out here. But my big secret behind the the macho, behind the machismo, behind all the bluster is that I'm a scared scared little kid inside.

And I've always been that way. And I hate that about myself. I hate that about myself. But it is a truth. It is me.

And so when it came time to jump off this bridge, I couldn't do it. And I I fell apart and started sobbing, and I I smashed my hand up cursing myself, slamming it on this piece of metal in that bridge and cursing myself for being being a coward. Little did I know that that would be my last drunk. Little did I know that all of that very shortly my life was going to be was gonna change so dramatically is that if I live to be a 1000 years old, I could never repay what has happened to me. I could never repay.

But I didn't know that. I felt like my life was over and I ended up 25 100 miles away all the way across the continent of the United States and in Las Vegas, Nevada in a hospital detox. Sick. I hadn't eaten anything in about 10 days drinking that cheap wine and cheap vodka. I'm in bad shape.

And the Buddhists say when the student's ready, the teachers appear and the members of Alcoholics Anonymous brought meetings into that hospital as I bring meetings into detoxes, and I've done that for over 28 years twice a week. I do what Bill Wilson did. I go look for drunks, not because they're drunks, but because I am. And that is that is my vehicle for freedom. And members of AA who they were the real doers, they were the givers, they were the guys who understood their primary purpose, brought meetings into there.

And I sat there and for the first time in all those years of attending a meetings for the first time, I had just enough of me beaten out of me that I could hear you. And I sat there and as you shared your experience, I found myself nodding my head and thinking to myself, my God, I'm like that. I feel like that. I think like that. I drank like that.

I'm like these people. I had never in all my attending of meetings of Alcohol Exonomous ever connected. I was too defended. I'm too busy picking you apart and making and put put you down in my mind. I could never connect with you.

But now there's enough of me and my ego beat out of me that I can actually connect with you. And I'm sitting there and I'm nodding my head. And I'm, man, I'm like this. Is that I watched these guys and I watched they used to come in there once or twice a week and I've been watching them. I was in that place for 30 some days.

I was watching these guys. And these guys were legitimately sincerely happy and sober at the same time, which is incomprehensible to me. And I could see that something had changed in them. And they had successful lives. And they laughed a lot.

And I watched some of them kidding around with each other, telling jokes, and goofing on each other. And I I realized, man, these guys are having a better time sober than I had back in the good days when I would drink and work. And I thought, maybe if that could happen to them, maybe if I followed them around and did everything that they did, could that happen to me? No. To me?

The piece of crap that I am, could that could that happen to me? Could that could that happen to me? And I I thought to myself, what the hell do I got to lose? And that that line went through my head a lot of times. Janis Joplin used to sing a song called Bobby McGee, and there's a line in there.

It says, freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. See, and I finally didn't have to defend myself against you. I didn't have to tell myself how I'm not like you. I didn't have to pick you apart. I didn't have to come up with excuses why I don't need to do what you do.

I don't have to do anything except join you. And I joined you. And I've got a sponsor and a home group and started following these guys around and I my life started to change. And I had an experience in the hospital before I got out. I've been to several of the AA meetings, and I I was scared to death.

And I I don't talk about this too much. A woman in the hospital was a member of AA named Judy, and she was one of the counselors there. And Judy had knew knew my record and she knew that I'd been in a whole bunch of treatment centers. And she knew that I'd been in and out of AA meetings for years. And Judy said to me one day, she said, so what's different this time?

And I didn't know what to say to her. So I said to her, I said, well, I I just took the 3rd step. I don't even know what the 3rd step is, but it's a nice AA sounding thing to say. You know? I did.

Right? And she lit and it went and it was a good thing to say because she lit up. She got excited. She said, oh, really? Oh, that's great.

She was gonna ask me who I said it with and what it said. So I I said, no, no. I I just did it my way. And all of a sudden, her whole face changed. She looked at me into such a way I wanted to look to see like I had spilled something on me or something.

She gave me that kind of weird look, you know, and just shaking her head and walks off down the hall. You know, just shaking her head and walks off down the hall. And about a day or so later, I'm I'm in this I'm sitting on this hospital bed, and I'm terrified because I know the truth. I know that I'm gonna leave this hospital and I'm gonna drink again, and I don't wanna drink no more, but I can't do anything else. When that obsession comes on me, I'm toast and I can't find it.

I can put it off for a little while. And I don't know if I'm gonna drink the day I get out or 2 weeks later or 6 months later, but I am facing a reality that it is an eventuality. See, for alcoholics of my type, with untreated alcoholism, with without a spiritual experience, the question is not if you're gonna drink again. The question is when. It's an inevitability.