Step 3 at the CPH12 v8 convention in Copenhagen, Denmark

Hi. I'm still Carrie and I'm still an alcoholic. Step 3. I love to talk about step 3. It's probably other than talking about inventory, it's probably one of the things that I like to talk about most.

I like to start with the a b's and ABC's on page 60 because I think that it I think it really conceptualizes and just encapsulates steps 12. And it kinda brings me to what I need to understand in step 3. So is that a, we're alcoholics and we could not manage our own lives. You know, and so I'm an alcoholic means I'm allergic to alcohol. I have a mental obsession.

I have a spirituality. I can't manage my own life either. They're 2 very different thoughts that being an alcoholic and not managing my own life are 2 separate ideas. It says b, that probably no human can relieve my alcoholism. So no human power can relieve my alcoholism.

It means that I need to turn to a higher power. That means anything that I try to do in order to relieve my alcoholism will fail miserably. And c, that God could and would if he were sought. So the question is, how do I seek God? I mean, that's really the question here.

This is what we're all here to do, to seek God. Is that being convinced of a, b, and c, that I'm at step 3, which is I decided to turn my will, which is my thoughts, and my life, which is my actions, over the care of God as I understand him. I like to use God as I don't understand him because I think trying to understand God is like well, I'm a human being, and I might be a spiritual being having a human experience. But the idea that I can understand God to me is absolutely ridiculous. What I like to think about is what I can understand God from where I'm at.

Because my big book tells me that I need to begin where I'm at. And so just what do we mean by that and what do we do? So the idea is, what do I mean by turning my will and my life over the care of God? And what do I do? How do I do that?

Meetings and they would tell me they'd be like, just turn it over. Let go and let God. How the hell do I do that? I'm blocked myself driven by a 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self pity. I step on the toes of other people, but I'm gonna just turn it over.

If it was that easy and if I could just do that, why am I here? You know, for me, and this is just me, I don't have the power to do that. What I do, what my sponsor had me do and what I still do is I like to read pages 6063 in the I statements. You guys has anybody ever done that? You guys ever read the actor and instead of talking about the actor, put I?

My sponsor has me do this on a regular basis. I do it in my morning meditation when I'm writing inventory. And I do it when I'm behaving like that actor, when I start to become spiritually thick and I begin to run the show. So I wanna do this for you. I wanna read this because I love doing this.

And I think that I find I can always find myself in these paragraphs. If I'm disturbed, it's because I'm somewhere in here. So it says, the first requirement is that I must be convinced that life run on self will could hardly be a success. So the idea is I have to give up the idea that my ideas about the world, my ideas on how I should be, how you should be, nostics, it talks about that. It says my ideas didn't work, the god idea did.

So it says that life run on self will could hardly be a success. On this basis, on the basis of running my life, I'm always in collision with something or somebody even even though my motives are good. We're not talking about alcohol. We're talking about how I deal with people. So because I've already put aside the drink problem.

Now, you know, once I figure out that I'm an alcoholic, that I'm allergic to alcohol, that I'm crazy and don't realize that I'm allergic to alcohol, once I realize that, I'm not talking about alcohol anymore because that's not really my problem. My problem is a lack of power. My problem is that I'm a selfish self centered individual. And I like to, push you around, bully you, bribe you and do anything or anything I could do to get you to do what I want so I could be okay. Because you're my higher power and I'm not going to go to God.

I'm going to control you to make me feel better. And I live my life like that. So here we go. It says that I try to live by self propulsion. I'm the actor who wants to run the whole show and I'm forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the players in my own way.

If only my arrangements would stay put, if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, including myself, will be pleased. So basically, if you do what I want because I know what's best. I'm the absolute authority and I know what's best for you. What's best for me.

And if you behave the way I want you to, we'll all be happy. So all you have to do is behave and I could be I could be okay. And then and then it tells me that, you know and then and then I say, but I believe in God and I pray every day. To God, but I behave as if I'm God and therefore, I don't really believe in God. I don't have any faith.

I'm not living along spiritual lines. I'm mouthing the words god and then and then believing and acting as if I am. And I you know what, guys? I do that all the time. Except for today, I have a sponsor in accountability.

And I have a beautiful thing called 1011, which we're gonna talk about later, which helped me to realize that I'm doing those things. And therefore, I don't get blocked off to the point where I believe that alcohol is the solution to my problem anymore. So here we go. It says that in trying to make these arrangements, I might be sometimes quite virtuous. I may be modest in self sacrifice.

Don't you know what I do for you? You know, I'm a wonderful AA. You know, I'm involved in service. I sponsor. You know, I go to committee meetings.

I'm a DCM. I do all kinds of things. You know, I sacrifice a lot for AA. And if everybody, you know, if everybody just followed the rules, we'd all be okay. You know, just don't lie to me.

Just do what I want. Just give me what I want and everyone will be okay because I'm a good person and I deserve it. If I got what I deserved, ladies and gentlemen, I wouldn't be standing here. So here we go. It says that I might be cut because I I on the other hand, I might be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest with most humans unlikely to have varied traits.

And, of course, if I'm mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest, it's your fault because you made me that way because I was really nice and you stepped on my toes and now I gotta get you back, you know. And I'm never mean and selfish. Yeah. And do all those things because, I'm bad. I'm that way because you are and you deserve it.

So what happens when the show doesn't come off well? I think that life doesn't treat me right. I decide to exert myself more. I become on the next occasion more demanding and gracious as the case may be. Still, the play doesn't suit me.

It never suits me because it's never gonna go my way. Because even when I get what I want, I don't want that. I want something else. Or I want more of that one thing that I think that I wanted in the first place. Ever do that?

Ever work so hard to get something and once you got it, you realize everything that you sacrificed it? And all the fighting and all the energy that you got to get that thing wasn't worth what you had? You know? And for me, I learned that if I have to fight for something, I probably shouldn't have it. My sponsor told me this thing and I love it.

It's called what it's called what I want doesn't matter. That every day, what I want, what I want for myself, what I think I want doesn't matter. That I'm to do what's put in front of me Because that's what matters. Doesn't matter what I want in life. It's what God wants me to do.

So what do I do? Do I become angry? I can become angry, indignant, and self pitying. What's my basic trouble? Am I not a self secret even when trying to be kind?

Am I not a victim of the delusion that I can rest satisfaction and happiness out of the world if I only manage well? I love that Bob highlighted that because I love that statement. You know, I think about it I do this all the time in Alcoholics Anonymous, living on a spiritual basis or what I think is a spiritual basis. I say, you know, I work really hard. I sponsor lots of women, you know, I go to a lot of meetings.

I'm very involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm very involved in my community. I have 3 kids. I work my butt off with my kids. I'm a good wife.

I'm a good mother. I'm a good friend. So, why don't I have a big house? Why don't I drive a Mercedes? Why don't, you know, why do I have to, you know, be humbled and shop at Walmart?

You know, why can't I be a big shot? Don't you see all the things I do? Think about that. It's that I'm not doing those things because I'm not doing those things for you or for God or to be of service. I'm doing those things because I secretly expect a return.

And I get into self pity because I don't get what I think I deserve. I don't get the respect I think I deserve. I don't get the, you know, the accolades or the applause or the, you know, the reputation that I think I deserve. You know, it's funny. It talks about later in the big book, it talks about getting a reputation we don't deserve.

You know? But you know, I'm a I'm a legend in my own mind. You know, if everybody if you only knew all the wonderful things that I do, all the virtuous things that I do, you know, you would think I was wonderful too. But I'm not gonna tell you. I'm just gonna hint, you know.

And then expect you to be you know, to treat me like the princess that I am because I'm a princess. Yeah. Exactly. Princess who pees in the gutter, but, you know, I'm a princess nonetheless. So here we go.

So then, it's not evident to the, to the rest of the players that these are the things that I want. They do not make actions make each one of them retaliate, wishing to get or, snatching all they can get out of the show. Is am I not, in my best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? And I wonder why my relationships go to crap when I'm running the show. And I wonder why, you know, everybody in my life is pissed off at me and nobody's talking to me.

My family, like, looks at me like, oh, is she gonna start flipping out again? Oh, why can't you know, you know, when my husband starts to think that I have PMS every day, I have a problem. When he says, you know, honey, what's up with you? Are you pregnant? You know, you know, like, I you know, it's a big joke, you know.

Because like we've I've you know, because I have had 3 kids and my husband starts to when he starts to ask me, he's like, honey, you know, are you pregnant again? And I was like, no, honey. I'm just spiritually sick. You know? Because it's not a hormonal thing that women get the excuse for.

But, you know, it's not really true. So my our actor, I'm self centered. I'm egocentric, as people like to call it nowadays. I'm the retired businessman who lulls in the Florida sunshine complaining about the sad state of the nation. Think about that.

You know, I'm a lazy, fat American. The worst day that I have in America is better. I mean, think about this for a minute. They're, you know I tell my sponsors they come and they complain. They're like, you know, my job is very difficult.

You know, I find it difficult to pay my bills. I'm very unhappy. I want a bigger apartment. And I say, you know, well, gee, that's that's a shame. But, you know, there are kids who are starving all over the world.

There's genocides and horrible things that occur. There are people dying of diseases that could be treated with $2 worth of antibiotics. But my life in New Jersey, you know, with my expensive apartment and my crappy car, now that's a big problem. I'm an ungrateful little bastard is what I am. And I, you know, when I, you know, I sit in the Florida sunshine and I complain complain about the sad state of my nation.

I'm the minister who sighs over the sins of the 20th century. You know, I'm the person who walks into a meeting, a discussion meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I say, you people aren't doing it right. How dare you not talk about the steps or do the steps the way that I think you should do it? You know, if you think about that, how self righteous am I to walk into a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and instead of thinking about what I could bring to the table, demand that you behave and act and think the way that I want you to act so that I can be comfortable.

You know? Or what about this? I'm the politicians and the reformers. They're sure that it would be utopia if only the world would behave. If only you just do what I want.

If only you adhere to my moral standards, everything would be fine. I'm the outlaw safecracker who's thinks society has wronged me. And I'm the alcoholic who's lost it all and locked up. So I'm a victim of circumstance, aren't I? You know, I messed up and I'm an alcoholic because I had a very bad childhood.

You know, my dad used to hit me. You know, you know, I wasn't loved. I wasn't nurtured. You know, so, you know, if I had a better child and if I had a better life, I wouldn't be as screwed up as I am now and I wouldn't be standing here. See, these are all delusions that I suffer from in my spiritual sickness.

These are the delusions that I suffer from when I start to run the show, when I become my higher power. Because I think that my internal circumstances have anything to do with how you or anyone else behaves. And if only my external life will get better, then I can be better internally. But, you know, these chapters just told me these paragraphs just told me that that's not so. Because even when I get what I want, I don't want it.

Because what I really wanna do is be right. What I really wanna do is be self righteous. What I really wanna do is be ungrateful. What I really wanna do is I want to have absolute control over all things. So I'm selfish and self centered.

That's the root of my troubles. I'm driven by a 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity. I step on the toes of my fellows and then retaliate seemingly without provocation. But invariably, I find that sometime in the past, I made a decision based on self, which later placed me in a position we heard. I love talking about inventory because I love hitting that truth that I made a decision.

I put an expectation on you. I had a belief about you that made whatever it expectation on you. I had a belief about you that made whatever it You know what? When I'm resentful, when I'm angry, when I'm fearful, when I'm remorseful, it has absolutely nothing to do with how you behaved and had everything to do with what I believed about how you should behave. That when I am stuck in that place, when I'm stuck in my self centeredness, my resentment, my fear, I'm expecting you to change so that I could be free.

And this just told me that that's not so. It told me that I place myself in a position to be hurt, that my feelings have absolutely nothing to do with how anyone around me thinks or acts, that I'm responsible for that. Says that my troubles are basically my own making. They arise out of myself. So the problems, the circumstances, the things I don't like about my life have absolutely nothing to do with my life and it has absolutely everything to do about how I perceive myself in my life.

And it says that I'm an example of a self will run right even though I don't think so. I'm a delude I'm delusional that I think that you're my problem or you're my solution. As above everything, I must be rid of selfishness. I must or it'll kill me. God makes that possible.

I can't wish my selfishness away any more than I can wish my alcoholism or my my obsession or my spiritual condition as I am over my drinking. I can't will myself into better behavior. I love that. I hear people talk about that all the time. Just do the next right thing.

If I had the power to do the next right thing, I wouldn't be here either. I I can't. What I need to do is open myself up to a higher power and What I need to do is open myself up to a higher power and allow the process of these steps to come in and take the things that are blocking me and the selfishness, the dishonesty, delusions, and fear. These things that are blocking me from God allow this process to remove them so that I can gain access to that power. It's just that I've had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but I can't live up them to them any more than I would like to.

Neither can I reduce self centeredness by wishing or trying on my own power? I have to have God's help. So this is he the how and the why of it. I have to quit playing God. And this is really what we're talking about here, is I have to quit playing God in my life.

Director. He is the principal. I am his agent. He is the father. I am his child.

So that's the that you know, what I love about the third step is that there's so many parts to it. There's There's so many things. There you know, first I have to understand that life around on self will could hardly be a success. So I read the those paragraphs about the actor and it explains to me why life around on self will isn't successful. And then it tells me, well, I have to take a certain attitude towards my higher power.

It says that I have to look at myself as being an agent of Rather than expecting God to do for me, I have to ask God what I can do for him. Rather than expecting you to do for me, I have to ask myself, what can I do to be of service to you? Because my very life as an ex problem drinker has absolutely everything to do with about me trying to be of service to you. How I can better meet your needs, not expecting you to change to make me comfortable so I don't have to drink anymore because that's not my reality. That's not true.

And it goes on to tell me that when I take this position, all kinds of wonderful things happen, that I have a new employer being all powerful. He provides what I need if I keep close to him and perform his work well. What does that mean? Well, it means that I continue with the steps and I'm of service. Means that I continue and complete and go from step 1 to step 12 and I live there.

That I don't just do some 4 steps, make some of my amends. That's not what this is talking about. It's saying that I have to keep close to God and I need to perform his work well. And it's been my experience that going through the process of the 12 steps is how I do that. It says that when I do this, establish on such a footing.

And what footing are we talking about? Understanding that I'm an agent of God. Understanding that God's my director. That I'm not to run the show. When I'm on that footing that I become less and less interested in myself, my plans and designs.

What I want doesn't matter. More and more I become interested in seeing what I can contribute to life Rather than walking into any situation and saying, well, what are you gonna do for me? I start to think to myself, what can I do for you? How can I be of service to you? My entire life, most of the time, is about what I could do for other people.

I mean, I'm a mom, so that's pretty much my job. But on the other hand, my other area my other relationships in my life, I mean, that's really what I do. Because this is what I do. But other relationships in my life, I mean, that's really what I do. Because this is what I'm taught to do, that I have to live my life on this basis because my life can't be about me anymore.

My life was about me all the time when I was drinking. And it was about me when I was living in spiritual sickness, when I was blocked off from God. My sponsor taught me, this program taught me, the 12 steps taught me that my life has to be none of my business, that I'm not to demand to God to give me anything. What I'm to ask God is how can I be of service to him? How can I be an agent of his will?

And it says that, if I do this, new power flow in. I'll enjoy peace of mind. I'll discover that I can face life successfully. As I become conscious of his presence, I'll begin to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, hereafter, I'll be reborn. I'll be in the present moment.

I'll be now. I'll experience exactly what Bob was talking about when he was talking about experiencing God now. But it says that now, understanding all that, I'm at step 3. So I mean, there's a lot that I have to understand about myself without alcohol in the equation before I can even get to step 3. And then once I'm at step 3, we're gonna I experience something, a contract that I make with God.

And I like to break down the 3rd step prayer. And when I when my sponsor broke it down for me you know, I used to say that prayer all the time. I'd sit there in the meeting and we we talk about it and we'd say this 3rd step prayer. But I really thought about what I was asking God, what I was committing to with God. You know, when my sponsor sat down and we did the big book together and when we went through this book thoroughly, when she explained to me exactly what it was that I was asking for in the 3rd step, I was amazed because I had said these words, but I never thought about what the real spiritual meaning in these words were.

It says, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou will. You know, the 7 steps start talk starts off and it says, my creator. And I got to tell you what, when I'm playing God, when I'm running the show, I'm not a part of God's creation. I'm demanding that God create the world in my image rather than the other way around. So when I say to God, I offer myself to Thee, to build me, and do with me his own world, what I'm saying to God is like, look, up until this point, I've been I've been playing my own game by my own rules.

And I'm willing to give myself to you, and I'm willing to become a part of your creation rather than creating the world based on what I think it should be, which is chaos, insanity, dishonesty, selfishness, and unhappiness, I'm willing to become a part of your creation. My own selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. But I'm not asking God to do that for my in my own selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. But I'm not asking God to do that for my comfort. I'm asking God to do that so I can be of service to him.

You know, when I ask God to relieve me of my character defects, when I when I do, you know, other parts of these steps, I'm not asking God to do that so so that I could be happier. I'm asking God to do that so I could be of service to him. Because, again and it goes back to what my sponsor and what I talk about all the time. What I want doesn't matter, and my life is not about me, that my life is none of my business. It goes on to say that I asked god to take away my difficulties.

It says that victory over them will bear witness to those I would help. With thy power, thy love, and thy way of life, may do, they will always. What are my difficulties? What are the difficulties that I have in my life? My difficulties are the things that I use to replace my higher power, the things that I worship.

You know, money, men, approval, success, any of those things. I mean, the the the list is added to infinium. The bottom line is this, it's the human powers that I use to make me feel better rather than going to God. And I ask God to remove those difficulties. Those difficulties that are caused by those belief systems.

Not so that I can be more successful in my life. So that I can show other people that the power of God is real. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna wrap it up in a second. But I want to tell you a story. I I'm gonna wrap it up in a second, but I want to tell you a story.

I was in church a couple weeks ago, on Good Friday. And I want my my mother and my father are very involved in church. And my my mother was doing something like it was, oh my god. Stations of the Cross. I lost it for a second.

And, she was involved in this thing in my parents' church. And so I went to go support her. And I was sitting there and I had you know, I was with my children, you know, my babies and, you know, my my kids are squawking and this, that, and the other thing. And I just sat there through the service and I had a really good, you know, good time, good experience. And I got up to leave.

And a woman came up to me and she said, you're Carrie, aren't you? Now I hadn't said I hadn't been in my parents' church since I got married. So I was like, oh my god. Who are you? And she came up and she said, you know, I'm your therapist when you were young.

I said, Oh my god. So here, my my my psychiatrist from when I was a kid and I was crazy and, you know, know, when I was drinking and I was a total mess, I didn't even recognize her because I was so drunk and messed up that, like, you know, like, I I didn't even remember who she was. And apparently, she had been my therapist for quite a few years. But it's been a while. It's been about 20 years.

So, you know, no. Actually, 15. So, anyway, so, she went up to me and she goes, you okay? And I'm like, yeah. I'm okay.

And she's like, are you sure you're okay? And I'm like, yeah. No. Don't. I really am okay.

She's like, what are you doing? You know. And I'm like, well, you know, I go to AA now. And it turns out that I was an alcoholic. She goes, really?

You know, like like she didn't know that already. You know? It was a big surprise to me, but apparently everybody else around me knew it. And she she she keeps asking, like, we're talking. I'm like, how are you?

How's your, you know and I start remembering all these because I'm so selfish and self centered. Like, you know, all of a sudden, all the things that I remembered about her came and I was like, how's your how's your, you know, sister? How's this? How's your family? Blah blah blah.

How's your and And she she keeps stopping the conversation every 2 seconds. She's like, are you sure you're okay? You're not on any, you know, you sure? Like, have you been in the mental hospital lately? And I'm like, no.

Really, I'm okay. And she's like, well, how long has it been since you drank? And I said, well, it'll be 13 years in September. Really? You know.

And all of a sudden, I turned to her and I said doc I said, doctor Scalamaro, the power of God is real. Now I'm standing in my parent's church. I said, the power of God is real. And the fact is is that the power of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is real. And she had tears in her eyes and she turned to me and she goes, it obviously is because nothing I did could help you.

But apparently, you're doing something in your life. And she looked at my children, and she said, I love your mother. And I ended up hugging her, and then we ended up talking later. And I got to make amends to her for the things that I did to her when I was drinking that I completely forgot about because I'm so selfish and self centered that I didn't even remember the things that I had done. But the fact is and brings tears to my eyes because the fact is is that I can be example of God's power and love, not in Alcoholics Anonymous, anywhere.

I can bring this, that God has removed my difficulties. God has relieved me of the bondage of self. And I can bring that and I can bring that into the real world, not just in an AA meeting. I could be of service and be a vision of God's will everywhere that I go if I adhere to these simple principles, if I live my life in the way that I just explained. Anyway, I hate crying for the party.

And I always do it because I'm such a girl and I hate it. So I'm gonna end with that. And I hope you guys have a really good lunch.