The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Nice, Paul. I'm alcoholic. Paul. I was the last one to know that, I didn't I thought I was alcoholic then, but I thought really what I had was just a lot of problems and and a lot of things going on. And I've heard it said by other people that I was a victim of unusual circumstances, you know.

And I'd had a lot of stuff happen. I mean, when I I don't know. I started getting loaded when I was 15, and I was gonna be a pothead because, you know, my mom's alcoholic, and I got alcohol up and down both sides of my family tree. You shake the tree. They fall out everywhere.

They don't look very good when they do. But what happened is is I I absolutely was not gonna be a drunk like my mom. And when I was riding on the bus, Miles and Robin, with these 2 guys that sat in the back of the bus, had the leather coats and they had all the zippers on the leather coats. And they were tough guys and they had to boom box and they were playing stuff like Mot I'm a d I'm a dork. You know?

These guys are cool, and I wanna be cool like these guys, and I can't be you know? I mean, my family is all very religious, and they didn't want, they didn't want any of that devil music in the house or any of that jazz. But I saw these guys, and I wanted to line up with these guys. And what happened is I wound up asking one of them if they knew where to get something, and they said yes. And I gave them some money, and they gave me something, and I went home.

And I took a look at it, and I smelled it and thought, I know that. And I went to the spice cabinet and found it was parsley or oregano. I don't know which. And, found it that, you know, geez, my first drug dealer. I got ripped off.

It just kind of went that way a lot. But they came over to my house to see if I was high yet. And I said, no, somebody ripped me off. And they're like, oh, well, we'll get you high. And they got me high.

And, my god, I all my life, you know, like these guys are talking about, I was a tense, strung out, nervous, hyperactive, worried, self absorbed, self centered kid. Not quite as bad as Sam, but close. And it, the first time I got loaded, that went away for a few minutes. You know. I I like the psychedelics too, you know.

And I'm not gonna stand up here and give you a long dopelog. This is Alcoholics Anonymous. And I identify as an alcoholic, not a drug addict. And the reason I say that is because given a good enough reason, I quit smoking pot. Given a good enough reason, I quit dropping acid.

Frankly, I did not have 14 hours of the day to try and figure out where the hell I am and learn English. You know? That's a lot. You know, mushrooms, same thing. Through a series of circumstances, I wound up staring at that thing in the mirror that I think all of you have probably seen too and telling myself I have got to knock this off one more time.

I mean, alcohol is the one thing that given good enough reason after good enough reason after good enough reason after good enough reason, I would tell myself I've got to stop doing this. And I'd wake up the next morning and it would start. It would start. You know? And you know what I'm talking about.

I mean, for me, I don't have a drinking problem The way I see it and this is just the way I believe it. You believe it any way you want. I really don't care how you see it. But the way I see it is this, is that I don't have a drinking problem. I have a sobriety problem.

I have a problem with staying sober for any extended period of time. I have a problem being comfortable in the world with you without some kind of buffer between my personality and your personality because your personality is too much. And I just I can't, you know? And after a couple of days of that, god, it's like being underwater and holding your breath and waiting to breathe and knowing you're never going to get there and you can see the surface, but it's just too far away. And there's so much pressure, you know, and I take a couple of drinks and it's just like getting fresh air.

Oh, God. And after about 2 or 3 drinks, I can get there. And there's, you know, I've heard it said is 8 minutes. I get about 15, 20 minutes, something like that, you know, and spend the rest of the night trying to get back to there. Near the end, what it was for me is I'd come home after a day of work, and I had, you know, I had the I was dependent a 5th or a half gallon depending on how much money I had.

Jose Cuervo in the freezer, nice and cold, because it's like a bomb once it thaws off. And then I had the beer in the fridge, and I grabbed both doors at once, and I grabbed a beer, and I grabbed that bottle, and I'd take that, and I take a shot and chase it, take a shot and chase it, take a shot and chase it. I put the bottle back in the freezer, grab a second beer, and I'd go in the bathroom with my cigarettes and lock my kids out of the bathroom and I'd sit in there and smoke and finish off that other beer and a half. I'd have another cigarette and by the time I was ready to open that door, I was there. And now I can deal with these kids.

Now I can look at the bills. Now I can do the phone calls I need to do. Now if we gotta go grocery shopping and buy some milk for my kids, I can do that because I can't do that without a couple of drinks. I can't leave the house because you're out there. I can't do that.

So what happens is is after a little while and I'm skipping a lot of the nonsense in the middle because where I come from and how I got here is really irrelevant. You all know. You know. Everybody's got a different story. We all got here, you know.

And we didn't get here by accident. Nobody just wanders in the AA and says, whoop, maybe I was, you know, wrong place. I was looking for the PTA, You know? And what happened for me is is I was talking to my son. And, you know, this is kinda last year of my drinking here.

And up until up until the day I sobered up, I think the longest I saw sober between age 20 and age 30 was about 14 days. And that's because I got arrested. Back then I was driving around dealing drugs and smoking pot and trying not to be an alcoholic as much as possible. And they caught me, you know, and evidently that's illegal and you're not supposed to do that. And they, you know, had me on probation.

If I got caught drinking or drugging or anything, they were gonna put me in for a year and all this garbage. And so I threw, you know, threw the pipe out the window. And 14 days later, I'm digging around the field trying to figure out what the hell I did with it and why I can't find it. It just it became so much to do that and worry about hiding it and keeping it secret that it was so much easier to turn to Mickey's Fine Malt Liquor Brew. And my God, you know, just a 40 of that in the beginning.

Just a 40 of that is all I needed, you know, because I hadn't been drinking all that much up until then. But, you know, within a month or 2, I'd grab a second 40 and maybe I'd grab one of those little bottles of tequila. And pretty soon I started to realize I could save a lot of money if I just bought a 12 pack in a bottle. And I realized I could save a lot of money if I just bought a 12 pack in a bottle. And I in a bottle.

And I realized I could save another dollar if instead of 2 12 packs, I just had a case in the fridge. I'd just drink less, you know, I wouldn't drink at all, right? Right? Yeah. In the end, I was going through a case of beer every 2 days and a 5th or a half gallon of Jose Cuervo every 2 days.

And luckily, at the time, I had the money to support that, So I crashed and burned pretty hard and pretty fast. In my last year of drinking, I saw 3 days of sobriety, and I saw 12 days of sobriety. I saw 3 days sobriety because my 7 year old boy came up to me after my wife and I had gotten separated. And he said, dad, do you know why my friend can't come visit us while we're at your house? And I said, no, Jake.

Why is that? I didn't tell him what I was really thinking, which was not nearly as nice, because I don't like people. But what I what I said is no, Jake. Why is that? And he said, because his mom says you always have a drink in your hand.

And I looked down, and I had a drink in my hand. And I was ashamed. And I thought, Jesus, what does this come to? Look at me. I'm exactly who my mom was and I swore I would not be this person, you know?

And threw away some alcohol if I remember it. I don't even know. You know, it's little vague, but I did not drink. The 1st day, the next day, and the next day, I did not drink. And like I said, it's like holding your breath underwater.

After a couple of days, it just gets to be too much. And just like holding my breath, my heart gets louder and you get that pressure on your ears and it gets to be just tense and too much. And I thought, you know, you know, if I could just pick up like a 6 pack, a really nice beer, good beer, the strong stuff, the thick, rich, dark Sam Adams nectar, the god beers. I could just have one of those every day just to take the sting off and be okay. And I turned to my son as we're driving to my house and said, Jake, I'm just gonna pick up a 6 pack tonight and have just one.

And he's 7. I make I'm explaining myself to a 7 year old boy. You know? Who does that? He says, whatever.

Well, alright. I'm feeling a little embarrassed, but I went and got it. And I went home, and I drank the 1 beer, and I just drank 1. And I don't know if you've ever tried to just drink 1. But if you're an alcoholic of my type that's like catching yourself in your zipper.

It's a bad deal. By the end of the night, I went to bed. I had such trouble getting to sleep. I don't know if I did, you know. The next day, kids are there and I can't look bad.

So I have a beer and then they go to bed and I get to thinking, well, they're in bed. It's not gonna hurt them if I have one. That's why I'm doing it. It's for them, and they're in bed. They're safe.

They're okay. I can have another one. So I popped another one. And after I drank it, I put the cap back on and put it back in a 6 pack just in case they checked. You know?

After having done that, the next night, I had one, and I couldn't wait until they went to bed. It was just too much. So what I did is I went while they were in the other room watching TV, and when I opened that other beer, I was like and I poured it into a big old coffee mug, this big old pinky in the brain coffee mug. I had to fill that up, put the cap back on that thing, put back in the fridge and went in the other room to make it look up, just drinking coffee. And then after they went to bed, I had the 3rd beer.

And this went on for, I don't know, a week or 2, 3, something like that. I don't quite recall. But I added a beer to it, and then I added another beer to it. And pretty soon that Sam Adams got to be damn expensive, you know? So we just went and got the cheap beer, and then pretty soon we had the 5th Acquaivo back in the freezer again and we're back on.

I saw 12 days of sobriety in that last year because she, you know, there's a capital s on that, She listened to me crying in my beer one night and, complaining about how terrible it was to be me. Another drink. And, she said to me, you're an alcoholic just like my friend, Keith, but he's sober. Keith had been sober for, I don't know, 5, 6 months at the time. And she said, you're an alcoholic just like him.

And I'm like, no. No. No. No. No.

You don't understand. The pain you're putting me through is what's got me drinking like this, and it's just not that. You know? And so what I did is I quit drinking. I mean, I quit.

I did not drink. I went around with her for 12 days. We went to a bar for a buddy of mine's 21st birthday. And you people that sit in the bar and just don't drink, pay attention because I sat in the bar with this guy and I sat with her and she was the one keeping me accountable. She was the one that was not going to let me drink.

She was the one keeping track track of me, and I had to not drink for her. You know? And I sat in the bar, and this guy bought me a shot and put it down in front of him. And I said, I can't drink. I don't drink.

And he said, you have to. When he turned his head, I quick dumped it into his drink, and I went like this. I said, there you go. Are you happy? I'm sly.

I worked at a carnival once. You know? What happened is, is that after 12 days, we went to a birthday or a going away party for somebody that she and I both worked with. And, we're sitting in what Paradiso, some she didn't say no. She said, well, order 1.

Really? This is serious? Alright. I'll have a margarita. I ordered a margarita.

And I had the margarita. I don't know what doing what drinking does to you, but drinking makes me thirsty. I don't know anything that makes me more thirsty than taking a drink of alcohol. You know? I have a couple of drinks of water.

I'm not thirsty anymore. I have a couple of drinks of Mountain Dew. I'm not thirsty anymore. I have a couple of drinks of Jose Cuervo and I need a couple of beers. And I have a couple of beers and I really could use another couple of beers.

And I'll have 1 and then 2 and then 4 and somewhere, you know, I'll have maybe 8 or 14 or 16. And somewhere between 16 and 32, I'm throwing up clam chowder through my nose one more time telling myself I have got to stop this. And I wake up the next morning, and you know how it is, your chest hurts, and your neck is sore, and you've got food lodged in your sinuses, and everything smells bad, and I hurt, and my throat is still bleeding, and I'm telling myself I can't do this anymore. I have got to stop this. And And I get to work, and I do the job.

I just do the job. I don't drink on the job. I just gotta know that when I'm done with the job, I'm gonna have a couple of drinks, you know, a couple a couple. And, what happens is is on the way home, I'm telling myself I'm I'm not drinking today. Remember, I said I'm not drinking.

And I drive by and I see bottle barn. I wander by bottle barn and I go around and I drive around the block and I go by again and think, no, I can't do this. And I drive by again and I go around the block one more time. And I find myself sitting in the parking lot with my hands on my head knowing I'm going in and thinking what a weakling, cursing myself for a weakling. And I'm like the guy in the book beating my head on the bar asking myself how it happened.

You know? And again and again and again. And it wasn't until I wandered. I wandered into you people by accident. I didn't even mean to get here.

You know? I had I had made plans to go to the knot ward, you know, because I've got so many pressures. I went and told my supervisor, I think I'm a paranoid schizophrenic manic depressive bipolar alcoholic. He said, well, maybe you should get some help. And here's a flyer.

We've got these programs and, you know, people you can talk to. And I'm like, alright. You know? And I went and I talked to some people and some more people, and, I got myself lined up to check into the local nut word where the why, you know, I really wanted some antidepressants and a pat on the head to tell me it was gonna be okay. You know?

And, I went in, talked to these people. And by Thursday, now what happened? Friday night, I went home and she had done something that I took offense to and got upset about. And I wound up freaking out. I'm sure none of you have ever freaked out on anyone, but I freaked out on someone.

I lost my temper. I yelled, I screamed, I said thanks to her that you are not to say to any child of God. And I was completely out of line when when I did it. And, she got upset with me and she left. So I did what any rational thinking same person would do.

I took everything that was not bolted to the ground and threw it up against the door because she had a key, and she wasn't going to get back in without my permission. And then throwing all this stuff against the door, it occurred to me that I actually wanted her to come back. So I had to move all the crap away from the door. And in the process, I tore something that belonged to her. And when she came home, she saw that, and, she said that I had broken, you know, I had torn this thing.

And, she said maybe we should break your precious crystal chessboard. I had this nice crystal chessboard that had been given to me a few years back. And, it was like a Christmas present, I believe. It was really nice, expensive, very classy looking chessboard. I kept it in the original box with the original styrofoam, you know, a lot of little pieces lined up and everything careful.

Kept it on a shelf. It was probably my most valued possession at the time other than me. And, because you're important, but not as important as me. And what I did is I said, yeah, maybe we should break that chessboard. What a good idea.

And I went and I got the chessboard and I went and I got my hammer and I threw the chessboard down on the floor and I got down on my hands and knees and she tried to take the chessboard or the hammer away from me and I pushed her up on the bed and I went over and over I went and beat on this chessboard with this hammer. There's pieces of crystal flying all over the place. I cut my finger open. I still have a scar from that. And she said, you're crazy.

And she left. I don't know why she did that, but she didn't come back until the next morning. But in the process, I wandered around the house, you know, and I was bleeding on stuff. And it didn't occur to me until I was 2 years sober. It really fired, the the reason I called my mom that night so I remember my mom's an alcoholic.

I think I told you this earlier. My mom had been sober, I think about 13 years at this time. She I had gone out to live with her about 13 years back and she'd taken one look at me and my hair and my outfit and she went and got sober for Christ's sakes. And she went and got sober for Christ's sakes. And she went and got sober for Christ's sakes.

And she went and got sober for Christ's sakes. And sakes. But I called my mom and I, you know, I didn't know who else would be able to help me. Nobody else understands. It's not the alcohol.

The alcohol keeps something at bay. The alcohol is the only thing that gives me that buffer between you and I that lets me survive, you know? And you know. So I called my mom and I talked with you. She talked with me for quite some time and I'm whining and telling my mom, mom, mom, I want to kill myself.

I wish I was dead. And she said, well, then kill yourself. What? Ma'am? She's like, what?

You wanna kill? You wanna die? I kill yourself. I'm like, but I don't want to die. She says, well, then quit saying you do.

That's a dirty trick. You know? Very funny. And she said, why don't you have another drink and keep talking to me? She knew it was gonna keep me from blowing my brains out that night.

So I kept drinking, and I talked to my mom. I was 2 years sober before it occurred to me that the excuse I had given myself to call her at that late of an hour at night was that she used to work in a laundromat. She knew how to clean stuff, and I needed advice on how to get the blood stains out of the carpet because I bled all over the place. And it just, you know, I was 2 years sober and that memory suddenly fired and I started to cry. I couldn't believe where how far down do you have to go where your only excuse to call your mom at night is because you bled all over the place and need her to help you figure out how to clean up the mess.

You know? What the hell? So the next morning she came back, again the capital S, and when she came back she told me that there was a number of things I was doing wrong and that I was out of line and I needed to really change some things. And I knew deep down inside that it was her fault. And if she hadn't, I wouldn't.

But I very graciously said, Yeah, you're right. I'll work on that stuff. And then she said to me, and, you know, I'd woke up that morning. I think I had 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Sleep.

And, I woke up that morning and I, you know, I had a beer and I just kind of sip at it. I think I had maybe 3, 4 beers that morning. And and certainly didn't get anywhere near drunk. I know drunk, that was nowhere close to it. That was just maintenance, you know.

That's just helping me breathe and not kill myself. And, it's kinda kinda like smoking. It's the only thing I knew how to do with my hands, you know. And she came back and she she said, you know, this is all your fault. And I'm like, yeah.

And then she said, well, I'm going to a dance tonight. It's an AA dance. I'm going with this guy, Keith. You can go if you want. And I'm thinking, oh, God, AA and a dance at the same time for Christ's sakes.

I don't dance, you know. It's not that I can't dance, it's that I won't because if I do, you'll see me. And if you see me, you'll know that I feel awkward. And if you can tell that I feel awkward, you're gonna laugh at me and expose me, and the whole room is gonna stop, turn point, and laugh, and the earth is gonna swallow me up. Get a little self conscious.

And AA, you know, got AA can't help. I've seen AA before. I was in a treatment center once upon a time. It's a bunch of old men sitting around chain smoking cigarettes, holding hands, chanting their stupid little prayers. Like, that's gonna help.

You don't understand. I got real problems. This isn't gonna fix me. And I'm not thinking, fine, you know, I'll go to your stupid AA dance, Not because of any of those things, but because you're not going to a dance with another guy without me. I don't think so.

So I went to the stupid dance. It wasn't a dance. It was a bloody roundup. And it was all of you people running around in your little suits, in your little ties, in your little dresses, and smiling and happy, and I show up in leather thinking, oh, Jesus. Look at this.

I am in the wrong place with the wrong people. Do I feel awkward? And the first thing that happened is this guy come charging across the room with his hand out and says, hi. I'm Kane. Are you new?

And, a number of things ran through my head like, no way, you don't understand. I'm not here for AA. I'm not part of AA. I'm not involved in this at all. I'm not even alcoholic.

I'm going to treatment. They're gonna help me there. I don't need anything here. I didn't have time to say all that. I just said yes.

He said, let me find you a seat. And I'm like, oh, god. Fine. He said, he takes me over this guy. He's like, chief, this is Paul.

It's his first meeting. Can you can he sit by you? And this chief guy says, no. No. I'm doing a sobriety countdown.

Why don't you have him sit up there? Sends me up. I'm like in the 3rd row of this thing. There's 300 people behind me. And I'm feeling kind of trapped.

I got turns out it was Newt over here and I got Scott over here, and I got a couple other people posted guard all around me, you know, looking at me smiling, like, glad you're here. I'm thinking, shut up. Stop looking at me. You know? This guy gets up there and he does this thing.

He says, you know, I'm Jeff. I'm an alcoholic. And 300 people at the top of their lungs like you guys do went, Hi, Jeff. But blew my hair off. I'm thinking, what in the hell was that?

You know? Oh my god. These people are crazy. And he says he's gonna do a sobriety countdown, and he's gonna he's gonna count down. There's no big book up here.

Whose job is that? Anyway, he says, I'm gonna count down from you know, he says, what, 30 years they started at, and we're gonna count down to the person with the least amount of sobriety in the room gets a free copy of the big book. And I'm thinking, oh, crap. I know. He knows.

I just told him I'm new, and this Cain guy knows, and she knows, and this Keith guy knows. How exposed do you wanna be? You know? He's counting down, and he gets down. You know, everybody's standing up and clapping and smiling, and they're all happy that somebody was sober, you know, and they're getting down to 7 days, and he'd look around the room, look right at me.

Oh, no. 6 days, look around the room, look right at me. He got down to 2 days, look around the room, look right at me. And I'm thinking if he says anybody one day sober, I can't stand up and they're gonna throw me out because I was drinking this morning. You guys don't want people here that can't stop drinking.

I had no idea what Alcoholics Anonymous was. I didn't know. I didn't know what alcoholism was. I had no idea I was an alcoholic. But what he said saved my life, he said, is there anyone here in their 1st day of sobriety?

And I thought, well, you know, I'm planning on sobering up anyway, and I certainly haven't had a drink in a number of hours, so I can stand up, you know. And I stood up. I was waiting to get thrown out. And what happened is 300 people came up out of their chairs and they saw me stand up, they stood up, and they gave me a standing ovation. And they all clapped and they all cheered and they all patted me on the back and set me up to get the damn book, which I still have that book, by the way.

I still carry that book around. It's my favorite book. Got the book, sat down in a complete state of shock for the next 12, 13 hours. I have vague recollections of what happened that night. But I do remember a lady got up there and she shared her experience, strength, and hope from the podium.

A lady by the name of Nancy M. And she stood up there. And she stood up there. And she stood up there. And she stood up there.

And she stood up there. And she stood up there. And she stood up there. And she stood up there. And she stood up there.

And she stood up there. And she I do this every year this time of the year. She stood up there and she talked about alcoholism the way I knew it. I had never identified with another human being in my life. I'd never had anybody describe that bizarre mental twist that happens when I've sworn on everything I hold dear that I'm done drinking.

And I think, screw it. I'll do it tomorrow. I've never heard anybody describe how they'd tell myself I'm not gonna drink until noon and then kinda push it back to maybe 11. And then once I start drinking, I didn't even know that I just kept having another and another and another. And that's why I don't remember half of my days, you know?

I didn't know. First time anybody ever opened my eyes to what alcoholism really does. Once I take a drink, I get thirsty. Once I take a drink, I don't quit. Unless I absolutely, absolutely have to.

I've done it a little, but God, it's tough. And the other thing that happens is once I do manage to successfully physical craving for alcohol, I have this thing called the obsession of the mind that is a breed of insanity of an entirely different ilk. It sits and whispers things to me. And it doesn't say, hey, Paul, I'm a bad idea here to kill you. It says, hey, man.

How you been? God, it's been a while. You're having a rough time, aren't you? It's been a tough day. You know, back in the day, we could had a couple of drinks over this, but I know you're not drinking.

So if you need me though, you know where to get a hold of me. And it sits there and it just waits. And maybe the next day, it's talking to me a little bit too. How are things going? You know, I care about you.

It's nice to see you. Talk later. 3, 4, 5, 6 days into this. I'm in. I'm in.

I can't, you know. I just I can't. And, I didn't know that's what what was going on with me. I wandered into Alcoholics Anonymous and I identified. I learned what alcoholism was.

I did step 1 out there. I knew I was powerless over alcohol when I got here. You guys just described for me what that meant. Step 2, a friend of mine in a program mentioned this recently. I didn't know it, but I didn't do step 2 until I did all the other steps.

I didn't come to believe. I still am not sure this is gonna work, You know? It might not, but I'm gonna stick around just in case. But that night, I did make a decision to turn my will and my life over to something bigger than me, which was you guys. And I said I went up to this guy, Kane, after the meeting, you know.

And I said he said he said, how you doing? My eyes are rolling like slot machine wheels. I'm like, you know. I'm on tilt, you know. He's he says, how you doing?

I'm like, good. I said, you know, I think I'm gonna try this, you know, and it might work. And he's like, cool. I said, but what's deal with the sponsor? Everybody's talking about a sponsor, you know, sponsor, did sponsor.

I got a sponsor. Between the meeting and him, there was, like, 38 people to come up to me. Hey. How are you doing? You got a sponsor?

You need a sponsor. You should have a sponsor. Who's your sponsor? Leave me alone. You know?

God. I went up to him like, who who sponsors people? I know it's around. There's people from out of town. Hell, there's people from out of the country, you know?

He just says, I'll sponsor you. And I think, oh, no, not like that. No, no, no, no, no. I need information, you know? He says, I said, okay.

And I think this is the, you know, I stood at the turning point. And I said, what do I do? He said, I want you to go at least 4 meetings a week. I want you to call me every what he said, we're gonna meet once a week and I'll take you through the steps and you call me before you drink. And I was like, 4 meetings?

I don't know about 4 meetings. You know, I I got stuff going on. You know, I got my kids, and I got this, and I got my job. He's like, fine. Can you do 3?

I'm like, yes. First thing you get back in a a zero opinion. So just so you know, I come in with my hands up. Help me. Help me.

Help me. Okay. Do this. Oh, I don't know, man. That's a lot.

He took me through the book. He taught me about alcoholism. I did this I did an inventory. I did a 4 column inventory out of the book Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's other inventories out there.

I don't care which one you do. It doesn't really seem to matter. It doesn't matter which one you do. As long as I take a good hard look at me and what ticks and the patterns in my life, it's evident. The one thing that is common in every single problem in my life seems to be me, you know, me and self and self absorbedness.

And, I shared these things with him. Some points, the hardest step I did was step 6, but I made a decision. I can't live like this anymore. And I had to let go of some stuff. And I said a little prayer.

I said, then step 8. And then step 9, I'm making these amends and trying to clean things up, you know? And And suddenly, it occurred to me somewhere in the middle of step 10 that I wasn't fighting a drink today. The obsession to drink was gone. I hadn't even noticed it.

There was no thunderclap. There was nothing that happened. I'm just not fighting a drink anymore. I'm not even worrying about it, God of my understanding. Where do I go?

What do I do? What do you want me to do? How do you want me to do it? You know? It doesn't matter what the hell's going on in my life.

Me is not the important part of it. Self is not the important part of it. What I want you to see is this little puppet I put up here. And I'm like, hey, look at this, look at this, look at this, just don't look at me. Cause then I don't have to look at me.

Laugh at this. Just don't laugh at me. You know? That's the self that I put out there for everybody to see. That thing that I put out there between you and me.

I've learned in here that that self is not important. Self is what I have to get out of, what I look like, whether I'm dressed good or bad, whether I've got her or not, the money or not, the job or not, whatever I have is completely irrelevant. What I have is I have today. I'm sober. I have one day where I do not have to fight the obsession to drink.

I don't have to throw up again today. I don't have to drink today. You know? And if it's just today, I can do one day. I know I can do one day.

And I've done that, what, 2,180 of them. I think I got a little counter on my computer and it reminds me, You know? If I work the steps, I can be restored to sanity, I can recover from alcoholism, and I can be sane. And I don't have to fight that demon every day. I can work things out.

You know, I I can work things out. You know, I get along with my ex wife today better than I ever did when I was married to her. I'm glad she lives 60 miles away. Don't get me wrong. But we are civil with one another.

And to me, that's important because I don't know anybody far less civil than I. You know, I'm not a nice guy. I'm not particularly concerned with how you're doing. I really don't give a damn, you know? That's how I am.

When I'm left to myself, who I'm interested in is me. And the rest of you can go away. And then I find myself sitting at home alone wondering why I'm so lonely. You know, a victim. That's it.

It's just not fair. Tell one more quick story. I'm about out of time here. I think gratitude is important. I think being grateful for what I have is important, and I sometimes forget what I have.

If I run a minute over, I'm sorry. But I was living with some AA roommates. 1 of them moved out because I got disemployed unintentionally. Disemployed, intentionally. But I got disemployed, intentionally.

But I got disemployed, and I got disemployed, and I got disemployed, intentionally. But I got disemployed, and I had another guy move in with me. And that guy started drinking. And I had another guy move in, so we had 3 of us in the house, and the other guy kept drinking. So me and the first guy, you know, Daryl's drinking.

So I'm like, okay, Billy, we're moving out. We move in with Ross. And then Billy started drinking. And then, well, you need to go then, Billy. And then Billy leaves.

And then we have we have we have this other guy move in, you know, and Dan comes in, and Ross starts drinking. Well, damn it. So we have Phil move in, and then Dan starts drinking. And then Phil starts drinking. Now I'm alone, and I'm, you know, we're moving out of this apartment.

And I remember thinking, I'm driving to work one day thinking, this is just not fair. What am I doing to these guys? You know? What the hell am I doing wrong? Is it me?

You know? Is it them? What the hell? And I'm driving. It's not fair.

I gotta worry about these bills, and I can't pay all of this. You know? How am I going to do this? It's not fair. You poor me.

And I'm driving to work and there's this billboard right next to my house and on this billboard, as you've seen them, those God Speaks billboards, a big 30 foot long, 10 foot high ones with the white background and the black letters that says, be grateful. Be grateful? I mean, come on. For what? Everybody is getting drunk.

All of my friends are disappearing. It's not fair. Out of 6 alcoholics, I'm the only one that says, stayed sober. And this is a season. Oh, yeah.

That's something I seem to not have been able to do before. I forgot that part. I forget the important stuff, you know. And what I get here see, Paul needs big stuff. I need roundups and billboards.

I don't need you to come along and say you'd be fine, Paul. You know, I need attention getting things. But for me, that's, you know, that's what you guys have given me. You've given me that perspective that allows me to stay comfortable sober. It allows me to be here in the face of tragedies and problems and successes.

I get to be a part of this. And if it wasn't for you guys, I would have missed it all. Thanks.