Deandre M. from Lancaster, CA speaking in Buena Park, CA

My name is Deandre, and I'm an alcoholic. Woah. Yeah. Wow. I wanna, thank Dennis for asking me to come out and share tonight.

Lead leader was excellent. Great leader. And our leaders are but trusted servants. You know, we love the leaders in AA. Looks like we got a good group tonight.

I wanna thank my sponsor family. My sponsor family is here tonight in full force. These guys and gals have, been keeping me sober and helping me, be a part of Alcoholics Anonymous for a little while now, and it feels really good to, have that kind of support, and respect and and admiration and solidarity, quite frankly. My brother is here tonight. My my real brother, the one of the survivors of my bullshit before I got to AA, has decided to join us to make sure I don't get up here and become Martin Luther King Junior in about 45 minutes.

You know? Yeah. With the sobriety date of, May 29, 1991, which means I'm coming up on about 15 years of sobriety in in a month. God's always willing. I just hope I show up.

And, truly, an honor and a privilege to do anything at Alcoholics Anonymous, especially be sober, make sense, and know what the hell I'm talking about in regards to AA. You know? You know, a lot of people don't wanna have that or believe in that, and they wanna call that humility. I don't agree with that. You know, if you've been doing anything for almost 15 years, you need to know a little something, a little bit.

And, basically, to start it off, get it out of the way, I was, pretty much born a poor black child. You know? Don't want you just wanna get that out of the way. And I grew up in an environment in which, there was a lot of things going on. And, it was very, very difficult for me as an alcoholic to be able to, get through some of the calamity with any kind of serenity.

So, like most of us, I chose alcohol. You know, alcohol works for me. Any form of alcohol will do for me. And the reason why cell phones go off meetings so much nowadays is, I think, quite frankly, we've got too many new people showing up with them. You know?

Because, when I got sober, I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, and I was pretty much a dead man talking. You know? And I had done that to myself. You know? And drugs and alcohol, quite frankly, became my higher power, and I didn't need anything or anybody except when it came to what I needed in regards to alcohol.

And I went to school in the San Fernando Valley for 6 years, which explains the proper diction when I talk. But I am really from Watts. I I grew up in Watts. I lived in Watts for 14 and a half years. And I really had a problem with being able to stay drunk and stay unloaded.

You know, it was a problem for me. I needed that because this disease that I have doesn't really care about any situation or condition that I'm in. You know? And the reason why we share about our situations and our condition, if you're a newcomer, is so you can relate. We don't do it so we can feel great.

We do it so you can understand that one of the most important parts of this book is the table of contents when they have a brief synopsis on these alcoholics that are just like us no matter what. You know? Because I know in my first meeting, when I heard a lot of these stories and the way people got sober, for some reason, it just made me feel like, well, wait a minute. I grew up in the ghetto. Maybe I'm really not an alcoholic.

Maybe the white man is just keeping a brother down. You know? And what I found out later on through hitting a bottom and realizing that even when I was getting loaded, I still couldn't get that high, that something was going on for me. It's like I would take a drink, and it would like being, metaphorically, a Styrofoam cup with a little hole at the bottom. And no matter how much you put in, it was always coming out, you know, along with my emotional stability.

And the physical craving for alcohol for me was much more important than whether I fit in life or not. Whether I needed to go to school or not, whether I needed to be a worker among workers. You know? It was more important for me to take care of the beast within. You know?

So I would go without. And, what happened for me is, I just started chasing that, and and and and and I got ran out of the neighborhood. You know? I was kinda like that little story, you know, running the gingerbread man. Run.

Run as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm loaded man. You know? And I would and I would just go and steal and run and and keep moving, man.

I had to keep moving. Because if I stood still long enough, you might have to take a look at what the hell I'm not showing you. I don't know if anybody in here with time sober can relate to that because, you know, our newer members are always trying to be on the move. They got somewhere to go. They got people to see.

They got places to go, baby. And, as somebody with over 10 years sober here, and I'm getting a little older. I'll be 40 years old in December. I'm getting a little slower too. So I can't even move that much or that fast anymore.

But when I was new, man, this guy from my home group said that I was I reminded him of a zipper. If you turn me sideways and stuck my tongue out, I was so thin. I looked like a zipper when I got sober. You know? And I would just be zipping all over the place, hiding from that 4th step and moving around, you know, not dealing with the, what made me thirsty.

And so what happened, is I got ran out of that community, and I got beat up by 2 friends of mine. And I wound up having to go to Big General Hospital. And, and I wound up going down there, and there was this little lady in a little booth. And she looked at me because I was all wrapped up, you know, with my little sling on. And she looked at me, and she told me, you know, there's really nothing we can do for you here.

We don't have anything here for you, but maybe you can go down the street to this little drug addict, alcoholic, reference program place called El Centro. So I hobbled on down there, which was about a mile away from the hospital, and I met a man named Ronnie Macias. And he told me the most profound things that I had ever heard in my life. He told me that I was 24 years old. I was already living on Skid Row, and I wasn't gonna make it.

And he he didn't care if I wanted to stay sober, but he did care that I was gonna die. I was gonna wind up dead. And so I went ahead and talked to that man for several hours. There was no timer. And, and he told me that, that he would put me in a hotel room on 7th in Vermont for 7 days.

I know this is starting to sound a little bit like Christianity, but bear with me. I'll be done in a minute. And and I did that. And, after the 7th day, this little guy that was living in the room with me, sharing the room with me, went and got a 40 ounce, and I drank it with him. And we talked about the conflict in the Middle East until 3 in the morning.

And, and then I proceeded to get a phone call from Ronnie, and he told me to go down to the Volunteers of America building on 5th in San Julian. And I knew where that was because I've been living down there anyway. And he gave me these bus tickets, and a miracle happened. I didn't sell the bus tickets. I used those tickets, and I went down to that building.

And I called the lady on the phone at a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center. Her name was Yolanda. And Yolanda told me that in order to get into Warm Springs, I needed to have 7 days clean and sober. And I told her the truth and said, Yolanda, I do not have that. In fact, before I walked into the building to call her, I saw a roach on the ground.

And for those of you strict alcoholics in here, a roach is a small part of a marijuana joint. I know I'm in an a meeting, and don't nobody in here know shit about marijuana. So keep it honest here. Stick with our primary thing here. And, and I told her I did not have 7 days of sobriety.

I really wanna do this thing, but tonight, you know, this is the day where tonight, I probably I'm gonna have to check with you tomorrow. Because I'm struggling, and, I know I wanna get sober, but I'm not gonna get honest. And I'm here to share tonight that if you're a newcomer, there's no way sobriety and dishonesty will fit in the same room. You can be dry, but you can always get a lie, out of what you try to supply us in here. But sobriety, you know, takes self honesty.

And I did not have that. And she told me to get on the van anyway. And that kinda fucked me up a little bit. Well, you tell me, I've got 7 days. And she said, get on the van, anyway.

That was on May 28th, 1991, and I've been sober ever since. So it's really hard for me to stand up here and spend a whole lot of time talking about drinking. My life has been better ever since my ass touched the seat in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I know that that's not everybody's experience. They did not call me over here tonight to share your experience, however.

So you might wanna hear mine. And, especially if you haven't been able to stay here. And, I I I just I just went into that first meeting on the hill at Warm Springs. It was a candlelight meeting. It was a Wednesday night.

It was dark. They had candles lit. There's a lot of trees in that area up there in Castaic. There were quite a few people of a different ethnic background in the meeting, and I had seen some old footage from high school in regards to that kind of an environment. Meeting, however, and, I stood up in the meeting of my first meeting.

And I told him that I had stolen from my brother, And I had ran up here, and I didn't have anywhere to go, and they sent me here. And I sat down, and everybody clapped. And after the meeting, I went outside, and this older gentleman came out. And he said, you know what? Thank you for being honest.

But in that meeting next time, next Wednesday, you can share, but just don't stand up. Okay? And and I looked at him, and I thought to myself, you can't escape the racism wherever you go. It's all over the place. I was always looking for some kind of a reason to not be reasonable.

I've always had a problem with reality. Always struggled with reality. You know? And any rate after that meeting, I just started going to a lot of meetings. There's a lot of meetings.

Meetings, meetings, meetings. Meals, meetings, and masturbation at Warm Springs. Let me tell Just just meetings and the meetings. And people would be getting these phone calls at the rehab. They would be calling everybody would be calling.

You know? So and so, you got an outside phone call. Come on down. You know? And I never got caught.

Nobody was calling me up there. You know? And I think that's what saved my life. Nobody from my past was really trying to, keep in touch at that moment in my life, and I needed that. Because for me, there's always you when it comes to what I really wanna do.

See? It's somebody else's fault. Somebody else is making me feel like this. That's why I wanna get drunk. That's why I don't wanna follow along because of your ass.

And if you would just get off my back and let me continue to enjoy ignoring the facts, then then then I'll be happy. And, I'm here to share that there's places for people who wanna live like that. And quite frankly, there, is no comfort in AA when I wanna live that way. No matter what I go and what I try to say, there's no comfort in living like that, blaming you for what I really need to be doing. And I'm not getting it done because you you're you're messing it up for me.

Don't you see how well I could probably play god if you would just leave me the hell alone? And, I did that for as long as I could. And after being at Warm Springs for 11 months it's a 90 day program, but they offered a special amount of time for me, through another type of a program that was there. It was a Voke rehabilitation program, and they had given me the opportunity to do what they called a theater therapy assistant training position. What that simply meant is that we would put on performances and plays and stuff, and I would work with the new people as they came in to help them do theater work to get out of the problem.

And I did that for an extended amount of time up there, And, and I had to leave eventually, and I wound up moving to Lancaster, California. You know? Lancaster I know. I see some of the smiles. Yeah.

Yeah. I said Lancaster. You got a problem with that? I lived there for 11 and a half, almost 12 years of my sobriety, and I went to a little place called the Open Door Fellowship Hall of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in that room, those men and women in there started teaching me the stuff that my mom had been trying to teach me all my life, and I wouldn't listen.

And, I met a man named Dennis Lee, who became my sponsor, and he loved me through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous the best way that he knew how. And at the time, he had 5 years sober. He was arrogant, mean, rude, opinionated, wrong, white. I would like to increase the list of infinitum, but I know it would feed his ego if I talked about him longer. Longer.

But, he saved my life. In spite of all of his head noise and all this judgment and this ignorance and this insanity and this in fear, this this this this this just complete and total chaos, he reached in and found a need inside of my soul for the information in this book. And he and I, went through the steps and in the book together, and and I love him. I always will. I've never liked him.

You know? And I don't know when I will like him. Maybe I'll need 20 years of sobriety or something. I don't know. And the reason why I have a bad attitude toward him is because there's really me.

And that was his job, to show me me. I am the problem. I'm the problem. And I know tonight that there's some people in here right now who really believe that something else is the problem. And I'm not talking about there not ever being a victim in life, but what I'm saying is that through the knowledge and the information and the wisdom of what he gave me, he gave me an opportunity to do the right thing and to use the right tools to not continue to live as a fool.

So therefore, no matter what the circumstance, I am the problem. If I'm not trying to connect to a higher power and new people to get through that situation, I am the problem. And, part of the reason why I believe that I have to respect this man is because I know through sponsorship today in my life and what I do with the people that who who choose to call me sponsor, I know a little bit about what he was up to when he started working with me. And that's why I love him the most. Because I tried to do what he was doing to me, and, and I see the caring aspect of it all.

And it really doesn't have a whole lot to do with personal achievement. This is an altruistic movement. My life is very much transparent. Just had a CAT scan on Friday. I had another exam for other reasons, 2 weeks before that.

My sponsor family is in total knowledge of that stuff, and I am not suffering from the looking good disease. Because that's another illness that comes through these rooms that we don't really address because we have one primary and singleness of purpose here. But be on the lookout for it. The looking good disease, coupled with feeling better. A lot of newcomers come down with it.

It takes about 30 thoughts, and all of a sudden, there's really no need to be committed to these simple tasks, you know, like getting off my ass, for example. I don't really need to do that. I've been sober for a little while. The wolves and the hounds of Bastropet you know, that it's not I'm laid back. I'm doing I'm doing good.

And what I'm here to share is that in order to get drunk, I gotta be sober. You know, that's the problem. You know, it's like when I got this job at Walmart after leaving rehab, and I worked at this place for 6 years, and I would call my sponsor in the middle of the night, telling him what's not right, he wouldn't put up a fight. You know? He would just tell me this is like this because that is like that.

Call me in the morning. You know what? I would do that. And, he didn't do a whole lot of therapy with me. He was abusive.

He didn't really care about how I felt. And now that I think about it, I don't really think he was really meeting some of my needs at that time. But nevertheless, I just cooperated because I didn't have anything more than that anyway when I got here. You know what I mean? To show that if you're new, different is better.

You know, I just was so cocky and arrogant and smart and right and dry and angry that he started telling me about the importance of working with others. You know, what that really is about. Because I would tell him, look, Dennis. I'm working. I'm going to school, and I'm painting with my grand sponsor.

I don't really have the time to do this other stuff. Now we've gone through the steps together. I'm a better person. I'm bathing 2 to 3 times a day. I get my haircut every 2 weeks, and I'm doing good.

You know? And he would tell me, you know what? Sometimes people get it so good in AA that they leave. You know, this weird shit like that. He would say things to me, and I I didn't understand, What the hell does that have to do with me being successful and following my dreams?

And he would tell me that, you know what? A lot of his personal ambitions were quieted as a result of being a member of AA. And a lot of times that scares the bejesus out of people because they're still trying to do it their way. They're still living on self propulsion. How dare you share about personal sacrifice?

You know, and, and I'm here to irritate a few in order to help the new. You know, I don't have a lot of standing still sobriety. And part of the things that that I got to experience with him were very, very uncomfortable. I started realizing that comfort did not equal recovery. Comfort came from a byproduct of doing the right thing for the right reasons, however uncomfortable that may make you.

You know? And I got to, love love that data, as I got older. But when I was newer, I thought it was all, you know, Charlie Brown adult talk. You know? Because I didn't have the clarity or the wisdom to know the difference.

You know? So I'm here to share it to kind of bring it around the corner is if you're struggling and something is going wrong and you're hurting and you're feeling bad and and and and life is just full of these shit sandwiches, Welcome. You know? He taught me how to stay sober whether I had my shit together or not. That's what his goal was.

And so far, so good. You know, so far, so good. And, part of the insanity of the first drink for me is believing that God has given me the freedom to choose whether I'm gonna drink or not. Part of the insanity of this disease tells me that I got a couple of options with a fatal illness that there's no cure for. This disease starts telling me things like, well, why are they looking at you like that?

It starts saying things like, you know, maybe a meeting once a night without a significant other or children is just too much for me. Maybe I could take Monday nights off. I did that at 11 years sober. They had, law and order on Monday nights on NBC at that time. And I remember telling myself, Monday night is gonna be my night.

That's gonna be the night where I go home and I relax and I don't drive from here to South Africa to a goddamn meeting. And I'm gonna relax and take the the the edge off. Remember that? And I did it. You know?

And all of a sudden, after that 2nd week on Monday nights, I started feeling like getting loaded every Monday night. It was like, for some and this is with 11 years sober. It's like, why do I because you know what? I think that God, according to this book, demonstrates through us what he can do. Says that afterwards start dealing with fear.

And I believe that if I come to the meeting, and even if I don't get to share, which is really not normal for me because I'm always running my mouth. Because I don't I don't remember going to those dope houses and those parties going, you know, I'm just gonna listen tonight. And let's just call that spiritual. I'm humble. So wearing the humility badge of not speaking up for something that's saving your life is a little, uncomfortable for me.

And, and I just I just, you know, I try to show up for AA, and I and I try to remember that without AA, there's nothing. I don't get nothing. There's nothing to negotiate here. You know, in fact, when people start trying to debate AA with me, I shut up and I walk away. I'm not here to prove anything to anybody.

If you want what we have, you need to do what we do. You know? And if you're a newcomer and you're wondering if you're an alcoholic, you know, I have the perception that out of all the places in the world that you could possibly be, accidentally, And you're struggling with the courts and your mama and them and your wife and your kids and your job. And alcohol is in the picture. I truly believe that it is really, really a far fetched notion to assume that you've been accidentally thrown into an AA meeting.

There are a lot of other meetings where you could accidentally be. How about the Ku Klux Klan, for example? Just accidentally show up there. You know? I mean, there's gotta be something going on here that the universe has said, now what?

Now what are you gonna do? Here are people who are just like you that aren't perfect that need to not drink tonight. What are you gonna do? And if you're anything like the people that I, associate with that work steps, that take cakes, that take the chip off their shoulder and get one out of this box. If you're anything like those people, you're gonna find a way to commit to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Are you gonna pretend that you're different and this isn't what you need and you'll leave? And that's okay if that's what you feel you need to do. This is not a hostage situation if you're a newcomer. However, there is a rescue operation taking place here and we would rather not have you come here to screw it up. You know there's something tangible, realistic and honest here.

You know a lot of days it's not fun but it always works, at least since I've been sober. Real quick, I wanted to read something out of the book, and I don't really care how it makes me look, but these are the things that I had to take into consideration when he read with me. One of them is on page 15 in Bill's story. If you're a newcomer, bills Bill Wilson was a stockbroker, and he helped start this program. And he says that we commenced to make many fast friends, and the fellowship has grown up among us of which is a wonderful thing to be a part.

So in other words, if you're not feeling connected, it's because you're not. Maybe. I don't know. The joy of living we really have, even under pressure and difficulty. I have seen men excuse me.

I have seen hundreds of families set their feet in the path that really goes somewhere, have seen the most impossible domestic situations ripen, Feuds and bitterness of all sorts wiped out. I have seen men come out of asylums. They call it rehab. Okay? And resume a vital place in the lives of their families and communities.

Business and professional men have regained their standing. There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome amongst us. How do you misinterpret that with your little problem that you got tonight? I'm not trying to get you to minimize your feelings. I'm trying to get you to broaden your perspective of AA and what we can do for you when we're all done talking.

People have been physically available, ready, and here for me ever since I got sober. And I guarantee you that if you stay here, you are going to find that same experience. But it's hard to receive something if you're not here to get it. You know? And those are the facts, Jack.

So if you're new again, welcome back. But we're still going to be here if you decide to leave again. Because it's working. And out there, it's not. And people don't really understand AA at my job.

That's why I don't talk about it very much. They don't get it because they don't got it, so they don't need to get it. Do you get it? They don't need it. I need this stuff.

You know? And, in my first 5 to 6 years of sobriety, I thought that everybody needed AA. I mean, everybody. Everyone. And, this policeman pulled me over one night.

I was headed out of Acton. I was I had I was the speaker at a special meeting at Acton Rehab, and I was jamming up the 14 freeway because I had a noon meeting that I needed to cover at my home group. And the CHP officer pulled me over, and he said, mister Moore, you're speeding. I said, I know. I'm on my way to secretary my AA meeting.

And he said, okay. You seem to be in a hurry. I'll write the ticket faster. That's the reality of life out there. They don't really, you know because I know when we get into AA and we're new, we think that we have some sort of a shield, A magic lantern that is gonna protect us from the reality of our own bullshit.

You know? See? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. You know? I have an arrow, but I'm staring it up this way.

You know? And that kind of dog and pony show sobriety has gotten me in trouble. Part of the thing that I experienced, though, after getting involved with Dennis and taking commitments at that group and letting those people love on me and and going through the human condition of getting my whole life changed by the grace of God, I started realizing that, I don't want to leave here. I am dependent upon AA. For me, there's not AA and then this.

Because according to the 12th step, I need to practice this stuff in all my affairs. So my ideology and thought pattern in regards to God and AA have to go with me and my landlord when we're talking. They have to go with me and the gas company. It has to be there with me and these clients. I, work with autistic children.

I do ABA work for autistic children. And I have to carry that that same modus operandi and how I deal with lot the the triangle has lines that are connected and even for a reason. And I think that symbolizes all our affairs. You know? Because in this book, it tells me I want to live a double life.

You know? I want to present a stage character and enjoy a certain reputation, which I know I don't deserve. I know I don't deserve it. But damn, don't I sound good, live in this under rotten ass way with all these, reservations. So there's a there's a cleansing that took place for me when I got here.

It's not very little to do with perfection. It's about a certain kind of direction that I try to live today, wherever I'm at living. We went over to Nat's Berry Farm today in y'all's community. They have the different rides over there. You can go get on all the little rides.

They have all there's road the roller coasters. I rode one of the roller coasters today. I rode one of the roller coasters. I rode the ghost rider. I rode the ghost rider.

I I I avoided all the ones that were shiny and bright and green and purple and wild. And I went on the ghost rider. You know, because it looked kinda meek. You know, it was dark. You know, it looked kinda like Skid Row up high.

You know? Rode rode the goat. Got on the ghost rider. And boy, I felt like a fucking ghost when I got off that thing. I could not believe the power of that machine, how it welted up inside of me.

And, it welted up inside of me so much that everything inside of me was about to come out. You know, it was like a the ghost rider. Yeah. And I sat down after the ghost rider ride for 20 minutes. You guys call it the 11th step.

And I set my ass down and I looked around, and all these people walking around, and I asked one of my sponsors, Bridget, to go please get me some water. And she did it. And, and I drank the water, and I felt better. And then I got up, and I started moving around. And and, and I was I was back to normal.

And, metaphorically, that's how AA is, man. Come join us. You gotta get on the ride. You got you can't stop to pee you know, I because I was telling my friends, if if there's a way that they could just stop the roller coaster halfway through, then it wouldn't be such a damn problem. You know?

You know, like on that loose little ball at the scene where she keeps pulling the chain and the train keeps stopping, you you get to the roller coaster. Just, you know, if you're halfway through, you realize it stopped working for you, you push the little thing and get off. Roller coaster. And that is the way a lot of new people are trying AA nowadays. You know?

Come here, drink up all our coffee, take all our inventories, smoke up all our cigarettes, and find out that we are not perfect and they got to get the hell out of here to have a drink. I don't know if anybody in here can relate to that, but they sure have been doing it to me. What the hell do you mean? You need AA too? Fuck you.

What do you mean? You got character defects? You mean you got a lot of higher power? They're supposed to be here trying to help me? Get a lot of that.

Get a lot of that in there. Anyway, leaving that rehab, going to that community, living in Lancaster, and since I thought that I was spiritually developing, I wound up moving to Simi Valley, California. I'm working it baby. Don't you know? I'm trying to find my way and, I lived in Simi Valley for about 6 months.

They closed that town down at around 6:30 at night. And whatever the hell you're doing, you better be doing it right, You know, or don't take care of you. And so I had to move from out of there. You know, the meetings that I like to go to end at 9:30. And, I I just got tired of getting pulled over every 5, you know, every 5 yards I drive.

I was like, officer, can you at least radio your buddy? I just pulled over, you know. So I got tired of that. And, I mean, you just called your buddy. He just pulled me over about 5 blocks, you know.

And so I I stopped doing that and I wound up I really hope I'll be okay with you. I really do. I really hope you're feeling something. And, yeah, because the normie will come here and go, wow. That's really good for you people.

But an alcoholic company meets and goes: That son of a bitch talked all night. You know, we we feel something at the beatings. And it's supposed to be like that. Anyway, I wound up moving to Glendale. I live in Glendale, California now.

I live in Glendale. They got 3 different trash cans for 3 different reasons in Glendale. And when I when we I grew up in the projects, you know, you throw something away, that's it. No. I'm saying if you throw stuff in the trash, it's over.

Right? You know, you gotta sort the damn trash, you know. You throw it away, it's gone. Bye bye. Trash.

But in Glendale, you have these colored you have these colored and you must go by the system or they will not take your trash. So I had to learn how to cooperate. I remember the first time I went through it, I had put something in the wrong container. Although I live in a triplex, there's 3 other units. So I called and asked the city, what if somebody who lived on this property put the wrong thing in the wrong container?

What does that mean? And the little city manager lady said that means that somebody needs to get it straightened out, or we're not picking it up. So I called my landlord, and I told her I said, you know what? Somebody over here done put the wrong shit in the wrong container. What do you think we're gonna do?

What what do you think we what are we gonna do about this? The trash is full. They won't come get it. And my landlord at the time is 79 years old. She is now 80 years old.

I love my landlord. She says, Well, Deondre, since you are the one that is on top of this and you have figured this out, And then a way that you can sort it out. You know? And so I did that. And that's that's where the honesty it kinda comes around the corner and hits you, you know, no matter how much you try to dodge it.

And that is why they tell me in step 10 that whenever I am disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is a spiritual axiom. I can rest on the fact that there is something going on with me. I'm the problem. And to kind of close, I I remember coming to Glendale and being in that community and looking at all these different people and wondering how in the hell does a skid road tramp, a bomb, and a whore wind up living on 5th and 10 Julien and living in the I live in Glendale. I drove through Griffith Park the other morning to pick up a friend.

And it's like a really nice, you know, it's just really nice. People are playing golf and there's horses And all the people are digging. And everybody's trash is sorted. And I have to take a deep, like a shortness of breath. I don't know if it's a panic attack, if it's gratitude or what, but it affects me physically when I think about the gratitude that I'm allowed to grab a hold of.

And I know that there are several people in this room who are not there yet at all, And that's okay. That's okay. Something happened to me personally in that first meeting, And I will refuse to let anybody in this society take that experience away from me no matter what. I don't care how much you know about my inventory. I bet you me and my sponsor know more about it than you.

And I refuse to let my personal, spiritual enlightenment experience be snatched away by anybody's description of Deandre today. And that is part of being restored to sanity and not waiting on you to validate me. And I got that from you guys and gals, the people that showed me how to go to work, that a job simply means just over broke. And you show up because you are grateful. You don't show up because you hate it and it's everybody's fault.

You show up because you couldn't before AA. And when you did, the whole you wasn't really there anyway because the other half was in that bottle. That is what I learned. That is what I continue to try to learn Because on a lot of days, I kind of forget it. I know for me that Alcoholics Anonymous is the only thing that has ever worked.

You know, I've been interested in everything from Buddhism to baptism. But Alcoholics Anonymous has always worked for this alcoholic. And I guess by shutting up, if you have a problem with drinking and you don't seem to be able to understand why you can't drink without developing this phenomenon of craving. A drink that you you see others because I could see other people doing other stuff with impunity also, not just the alcohol. Alcohol is but a symptom.

I see people that can cheat on their taxes with impunity. I see people that can sleep with anything that's got a hole in it with impunity. I see people that can do a lot of stuff that I can heart and hog time over right now. Okay? But I have to let that go so I can grow.

You know? Because there's a lot of stuff going on that people can do with people can go to one meeting a week with impunity. People can have over 10 to 9 years sober, not sponsoring or committed to anything in AA but the fact that they showed up to get it. You know? And I can see people do that with impunity, man.

And I have to leave that alone. And it's really hard. But it's not impossible. So in closing, I wanna tell this little thing about this boat that my, friend tells Al Russell, that there's a boat. And, you got everything inside the boat.

You got this cool ass hat that Dennis is wearing tonight in the boat. You got, you got, and he got it too. I said, You know what I was thinking? Why don't y'all start giving the speakers those hats? That's the first thing I noticed when I walked in the room: the stage and those hats, you know?

And surely I got my priorities together, but, you got everything you got everything inside this boat. You got you got the big book, your God concept, your mama and them, sponsors, kids, job, integrity, your me time. Everything is in the boat, your car, your money, your property, your prestige, your integrity, everything you wish, everything it's all in this boat. Right? And a wave of life comes, you know, a cancer scare, you know, they tell you you gotta go get a cat scan.

So a wave of life comes and knocks you and everything out of the boat. What do you grab first? The boat. And the boat is Alcoholics Anonymous. And you're either in or you're out.

The opposite of in is always out, no matter where you're from or what you think it's all about. If you're not in, you're out. And today, I'm being sponsored and I sponsor other people. And I'm in AA. I'm not somebody that you met that's from AA.

I am in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I have stirred you up a little bit, maybe I would take a look at your shit. But this stuff works. It works real good. It works all the time, and it's gonna work whether you stay here or not, and that includes me too.

So hang in there, and I hope I'll see you guys somewhere else. Thanks.