South bay serenity group in Torrance, CA

My name is Deandre, and I'm an alcoholic. What a day. And, wow. Grateful to be sober. I wanna thank, you guys for having me out here.

It's an honor and a privilege, to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially show up sober. And, wanna thank God and for those cakes and chips. Wow. A lot of a lot of stuff going on with that. Let me tell you.

I know exactly which microphone works and which way to go when I leave. Got that all figured out. You guys are really good at teaching stuff so early on in the meeting. Had a long start here. Just, interesting group.

I I I my home group now is the, Hermosa Beach, men's stag, 8:30, Monday nights. And, it's a great meeting. They're saying it's good that they got the you got the old people here, the young people here, and it's good to see a couple of black people here tonight. That's that's really we got it all tied in together here. So if you're new, you shouldn't be that confused.

You are probably here. You know? There's there's somebody like you here. My sobriety date is May 29, 1991. That's not to impress you.

That's just to remind me that I haven't always tried to live like this. And, my birthday is coming up. If you're new, I'll add it up for you. I'll be 16 years old next month. And before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, and I was pretty much a dead man talking.

So it's good to see so many new people alive tonight. I grew up in the, Jordan Downs housing projects, which is a little community over on the other side of this one. And over there in that community, what I learned is absolutely nothing about you kind of people in this kind of an environment. You know, live directly the opposite way of what you, men and women have been trying to teach me for going on 16 years. And, I love being over there though, man.

I love the projects. I love living in the projects. It's just like one problem right next to another, baby. And and and that's how I organize my life. And that's how I see it as a functioning alcoholic.

I power my problems up. So they're they're just big enough not to solve, you know, so I could get drinking. And I love alcohol. My mother used to make this punch at all these parties she used to give. She called it a son of a bitch.

And the punch was basically made with the Hawaiian punch concentrate. She put a lot of water in there and this wine called spinata. I see we wine called Spinata. I see we have some, fine wine drinkers out there today. Really good.

You know? And, of course, every once in a while, the store would run out of spinata so we would get the sister wine, tairolia. So you're just saying, get that in there. And, you know, when I when I when we when we had those parties and they would play spades, which is a card game, And they would play cards and and and do that. And we and me and my sister and my brother, we would go around and we would clean up the party and thank God for the normal drinker.

You know, Thank God for the normal drinker, the the the the drinker that doesn't have a problem, the drinker that can drink without developing a phenomenon, a craving, the drinker that can sit around and watch his mom and dad have fun and not pray for people to leave so he can clean up. You know? Amen for those people. You know? And, what happened is I basically ran as much as I could, you know, to drink and to use and to party and and to have a good old time.

You know? If And all of a sudden, the good old times got shorter, you know, and the pain grew faster and more heavier on my heart, and I couldn't get away. A lot of people come here to AA now seeking escape, you know, And I'm one of those kind of alcoholics. I seek refuge. I am a refugee of the drunken world of insanity.

And I found my brothers and sisters here, you know, because it was really hard out there and it really, really hurt bad. And I got ran out of that neighborhood, and I wound up getting into a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center, which is described as an asylum in this book. And, and in that place, they taught me about Alcoholics Anonymous. They didn't spend a whole lot of time teaching me about that place. You know?

Because those people who opened up that place knew that places like that have always been around treatment, you know, therapy. You know, all of that stuff is beautiful. It's very helpful. But for this alcoholic, it it can get a little messed up for me. Because, see, in therapy, the customer is always right.

You know? And in Alcoholics Anonymous, we don't mind letting our customers know they're wrong. And and and so what happened for me is I started going to a lot of meetings. Meetings meetings meetings, you know. And I love the meetings.

And I would listen to the people who didn't like the meetings, and they tripped me out, man. I could not understand these people that didn't like these meetings and would make it hard on the meeting. And they would tell us in the meeting that they didn't like the meeting, and they would hold our meeting hostage to let us know that these meetings is not what they needed. But they would come back every day to tell us that. I don't know if anybody in here could relate to that, but damn.

You know? And, and and and I wound up living on that that mountain up there for 11 months. It's a 90 day program. I'm a real alcoholic. You can tell when I like something because I usually hang around.

You know? And I hung around. You know? And, eventually, it came time where they had to they had to let me go. You know?

But while I was there, I, I became the chairman of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was in charge of observing 38 meetings a week, making sure that these meetings were being ran the way they should be. And since I had been living on Skid Row for about a year, and I got there with no underwear on and one pair of pants, I knew what needed to be done in these meetings. And, and I went ahead and, and, they one meeting kinda confused me a little bit on the hill at Warm Springs, and that was a Spanish speaking meeting. I was in charge of observing that meeting, but the problem is I don't speak Spanish.

But I did go and give them my best shot. You know? Really got involved with AA early on up there. And, when I left there, I I moved to Lancaster, California. Yeah.

I see y'all looking at yeah. Lancaster. Lancaster, California. And Jesus was found in the desert, but I wasn't. And I and I lived there for 12 years.

12 years of my sobriety. Original Home Group is the Open Door Fellowship Hall of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in that meeting, those men and women did not play around. You know? They didn't play, man.

We had fun, but it was before the meeting, on the break, and afterwards. But during the meeting, you know, we nurtured Alcoholics Anonymous during our meetings. You know? And, and I remember just having those men and women come in there and share about going to work, home, and play, man, and not drinking and staying sober. You know?

And I met some very, very important people there. And and one of those gentlemen is here tonight. He's the only man in this room that saw me when I was a newcomer, and that's Al Russell. He used to come up to Warm Springs, and they invited us down into that community when we would leave that rehab. Man, we'd go to his house in the in the in the in the in the hills, in the in the dark with all the trees and stuff.

You know? And they had a meeting and it was, you know, they had one meeting and it was like a candlelight meeting. And it's dark and they had candles lit, and they talk about God. And I've seen footage in high school in that kind of situation. I mean because I hear people nowadays sharing in the meetings that they're not comfortable.

They gotta go somewhere, get comfortable, and then they're gonna stay in AA. And I think that's kinda backwards, man. You stay here just as as uncomfortable as you can be. You go ahead and do that. We need you here.

Please keep your uncomfortable ass here, because we need to learn from you. Yeah. There's something that I've been reading lately, and it's not a poem or any kind of a weird book from some beautiful author that they agree with out there. It's our service manual for for Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't wanna skit look.

Somebody went like that. I was like, it's just a service. That's that's all it is. You know? And, it says, our 12 step carrying the message is the basic service that a the AA fellowship gives.

This is our principal aim and the main reason for our existence. Therefore, AA is more than a set of principles. It is a society of alcoholics in action. We must carry the message. Else, we ourselves can wither, and those who haven't been given the truth may die.

And so when we're all done laughing and talking in here, I gotta remember that. You know, because before stuff works for. People who have yet found no answer. And when I left that community out there and I moved here, down further down the hill, I I moved to, I live in Glendale right now. I live in Glendale.

I moved to all the little places. You know what I mean? And in Glendale because I grew up in the projects. You have one trash can for everything. But in Glendale, there's 3 different trash cans for three different reasons.

And I find that absolutely amazing at 15 years sober, that we are now sorting trash. And when I lived on Skid Row, we used to just collect it. You know? Now I'm sorting it. You know?

And, I started going to meetings, meeting and meetings out in this community. And now, you know, I just love the meetings, man. And I and I love Alcoholics Anonymous. And what I wanna share basically is that, you know, I have a lot of problems still today in my life, that I've created myself, You know, and I'm willing to deal with that stuff with my sponsor and take steps and have people in my life that helped me see through all of these games that I play in order to avoid the fact that I need a higher power to change me. You know?

And, with effective sponsorship, you can almost become like a goddamn anomaly around here. You know, and it gets a little frustrating sometimes. The Alcoholics Anonymous has afforded me the ability to live in a solution without having all the answers. And I didn't know how to do that before I got here. It was guys like, Al and some of his friends, Cowboy and Dennis Corkhill and my original sponsors, Dennis, Dennis, Lee that that kinda trained me.

You know? And so I'm just sort of brainwashed. You know? And, and I believe in this stuff, and I believe that I'm a part of AA today, and I'm not afraid of that. You know?

And I've embraced the suck. You know, and if you're new, I suggest you do that. Embrace it. You know, a lot of times when I was a younger person in my life, I would try to find anything to cover up everything. I I don't know if anybody in here can relate to that.

Heard a lot of clapping earlier. And that's how I am, man. I'm a real alcoholic. This is the disease of, self will, blame others, and cover it up, man. You know?

And, I was talking to a friend of mine the other other day that's from this area. And he told me the reason why the parents in this community work so hard is you gotta get a good psychiatrist and get a damn good lawyer. You know? And, and I understand that today. This disease affects a lot of people.

It really does. You know, what happened for me at the open door is I got a way to live down in Glendale. And I I and I believe that I haven't missed the boat that's gonna take care of every need that I have in my life. I have not missed the boat. And a lot of people are floating around, and they're missing the boat, man.

You're missing the boat that's gonna take care of every need that you have in your life, even if you gotta seek some outside help. You know? It's a miracle. I don't mean to offend anybody. I hear sneezing and stuff.

Anybody allergic to the truth in here? Come on. We've been talking that long, Dan. Alcoholics Anonymous is a miracle, man. The age of miracles is still amongst us.

The big book tells me that a lot of times, you know, I live in self will, and I don't even realize it. And when you guys allow me in this environment and I'm allowed to function in this society, not only do I get to learn something, but I become a teacher and or an example. And it's really amazing because I come from a place where we collect trash. You know? And today, I don't have to do that.

You know? I'm not afraid of the solution today. It just makes me uncomfortable sometimes. You know? If you are new in this meeting, I hope you leave here and take a little piece of it with you.

You know? Just some of the laughter, not all of it. We don't want you to have too much fun here. I mean, you may compare it to drinking and think that it's safe to take 1. We're laughing because we found a way out.

We're laughing because we are celebrating sobriety. We're laughing because god couldn't would if he were sought, not fought. You know? We're laughing because this thing works, and I need help. We're laughing because what the damn thing funny when most of us got here.

You know? And a lot of people get lost in the laughter. You know? And I went to Disneyland not too long ago with some of my friends here. My family is here, and we went to Disneyland.

And I wanna share a little bit about this because it reminds me of a solution and getting out of the problem. Because my war story is real short. I haven't been running in and out of AA since 1991. I've been here since that first meeting so far. And we went to Disneyland, and there's a ride there, my favorite ride at Disneyland.

It's, what's it called? It's it's a small world. You know why those people know that? You know why those people know that? Because they know me.

That's why they know that, and that's why we have to be connected. See? Because I can get up here and tell you my favorite ride is the Dumbo ride. And the people who went with me to Disneyland that day know that I didn't even get on that damn set. You know?

We need to be connected. So if you're sitting in this room tonight and you're feeling disconnected, it's because you are. Come join us. We do not want to join you. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I was saying this is like, you know, my sponsor used to tell me, Al and them, they're corny, and they go, hey, look buddy, we don't want what you have. We're trying to get rid of it. That's an uncomfortable feeling, but you ride it out.

Anyway, my favorite ride at Disneyland it's a small world because you're in this little boat. Right? And you ride around and you see all the things, and they're singing the same song all over the world. You go through some of y'all can relate because you've been on it. And you go through and you're in this little boat and all your friends are there.

Some of them don't like it. We we got a picture of one of my friends, and he looks like the Unabomber on that ride. I can't stand it. It's a small world after all, and you're on the boat, man, and you're involved. And you're not on the outside.

They don't allow you to get out of the boat. You get out of the boat, there's gonna be some problems. And you and you stay in the boat, and you go on the ride, and you listen to the music. And and halfway into it, around Africa somewhere, you start humming the lawn. It becomes a small world after all.

And the only way that you can get off the boat is if you go to the end of the ride. See? You don't stop in the middle and bitch about the people that are running the ride. Vote people out that make sure the boat moves, change votes in the middle. You know?

You know how you change spots every time you change feelings? You know? I remember the first time I wanted to change sponsors in My original sponsor told me that I needed to get a job. So you need to get a job? I said, I got to get new sponsors.

Bullshit. They let you change sponsors too fast. An Alcoholics Anonymous nowadays, man. My big book says this is a lifelong process. You know?

Stop bar hopping if you're new. Join us. Get connected. You know? And when I got a chance to really get involved with Dennis Lee, he talked to me a lot about my attitude because I just I just you know, I get I I just you know, I wanna I wanna go I want my baba.

Right? Bought my papa, and you want me to read the big book, you know. And I and then, you know, what are you gonna do? Drink it? I I yeah.

I need a drink, man. Bullshit truth, you know? I need a drink. And, and he would just not let me feel comfortable about that. You know, he believed that Alcoholics Anonymous was a solution.

You know? And, he loved me through the 12 steps. You know? And, basically, what's going on in my life right now is, I have a really good life today. You know?

It's got its burden, so, you know, I have to show up for it. I used to have a really good life when I would do my form of alcohol, right, and drink and be up all night. I consider that a really good life. I was free. I do whatever I want.

Then he would tell me, Deandre, when people do whatever they want whenever they wanna do it, that's called lawlessness. Freedom is doing what you have to do when it needs to be done. I mean, this man taught me how to go vote because I would complain about things and and and and and and I I just you know, I was I was detached from life. I didn't care about anybody but me, and I lived on Skid Row. And I sold myself, my brother's clothing, and anything I can get my hands on to get that next drink.

And now you want me to come in here and cooperate. It was a really weird transition for me. And I didn't have anything to smooth it over either because I didn't have no medical insurance. I had to tough it out and, admit that I was in pain and it hurt it. And you men and women didn't even care.

All you did was shared, you know, and you helped me. You know, I was mad at at at at one of the elder members in our group talking about these old people. One thing I like about old people is they're not young anymore. And I was I was mad at this this guy in my group. Al knows him Doug Hills.

And Doug made me mad one day. He wanted me to, stop trying to vote my sponsor out of the group. I was gonna vote him out. He no. What he'd do is he'd round up all these new people.

He he he brainwash them into believing that this thing worked. And it just seemed like he wasn't really helping very many people to me. And so I took it to the business meeting. I mean, they in that what the business meeting is for is for is the newcomer complaint box. That's why they had these business meetings.

Right? So the new people can come in and tell us how to really do AA. I mean, that's what I was taught, you know, by my other truck driver, coffee Doug? He said, you know what? You can't act like that.

We don't need you know what? We we Doug? He said, you know what? You can't act like that. We don't need you know what?

We we want we wanna change our lives. And I hated him, him and his wife, for about 2 weeks because I got laid off at my job. And I didn't have anything to eat at my house, and I was well over about 6 years sober. And him and his wife invited me to their house, and they fed me. And I was ashamed of the resentment, and I didn't even tell them about it.

I just ate that spaghetti, man. Old people know how to cook too, I tell you. And, I made amends to those people, and those people loved me. And those people are waiting on my birthday. They're waiting on me to drive up to Lancaster and take that cake.

You know? And welcome to you people taking these chips. You know? Take as many chips out of these boxes as you want, but also work on that chip on your shoulder. You know?

These people are about love, man. I can feel it. You know? These people are about love. And it's not that warm feeling that you get when you're about to you know?

Because we get the wrong idea about love. Love is an action. You know? There's certain things I gotta do if I'm gonna be about love. There's this movie that we were watching, and, my friend Chris and I noticed a line in the movie.

They say that comprehend comprehension is not a requisite for cooperation, because a lot of new people will tell you that they'll do it when they understand it. They'll do this inventory. They'll make those amends. They'll do the prayers when they get around to You know? You know?

I've been sober a while, and I don't understand over half this stuff. And so some newcomer's gonna tell me that they got it all figured out. My pride won't stand for it. You gotta be as ignorant as me going into this thing, baby. And what we do is we just follow along, man.

And we don't lose our individuality, don't get me wrong, but we make sure we're following along. And I could me wrong, but we make sure we're following along. And I couldn't do that out there on those streets, man. I always wound up straying away being by myself loaded somewhere. And it was your fault because you wouldn't let me in.

You're responsible for how I feel and how I treat you. You know? And all that wacky thinking, man, leads stinking thinking leads to drinking. You know, when they ask us in the doctor's opinion that the new person have that my mind had to be clear, man. And I tell you what clears my mind faster than anything in the world, and it's pain.

Pain clears me up, baby. When I start hurting, I start really looking for stuff that's working. You know? And I believe that me as an individual, I can't take a newcomer's pain away. But if that newcomer is allowed to come in here with that pain, the group will go to work on them.

The spirit of God will help you with with that pain. And I see a lot of people doing a lot of this backdoor sponsorship, trying to ease that pain and stuff through some kind of weird codependent, kinda undercover Al Anon thing. And we encourage the newcomer to come here with pain. Bring your pain. You know?

So you can put up with these people around here that have found serenity, that are no longer addicted to chaos. You know? Find out who these people are. You know? They're here, man.

I wanna read one thing, and then I'll start wrapping it up. I know you guys are tired of me already. It's in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's my favorite page in the book. And it's in Bill's story on page 15. And he babbles about, how we commenced to make, many fast, friends, and the fellowship has grown up amongst us, which is a wonderful thing to feel apart.

The joy of living we really have even under pressure and difficulty. I have seen 100 of families set their feet in the path that really goes somewhere, have seen the most impossible domestic situations ripen. Feuds and bitterness of all sorts wiped out. I have seen men come out of asylums, rehab. We come out of there and, resume a vital place in the lives of their families and communities.

Business and professional men have regained their standing. There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. Wow. So bring your pain, baby. Bring it on.

Bring your uncooperative attitude. Come on in here with it. Let us know how to do AA, will you? The old guys, they told me, man. They said, if you're not here after what we're after, we'll be here after you're long gone.

And I understand that today. You know? Because I've seen the parade, man. I've seen the peak you know, you grab that spiritual bag of popcorn, you know, and you just watch the parade. You know?

Just watch it go, and they they come around and whoo. It's coming in here, boy. You know what? Real quick. The magnitude of the meeting is what I wanna babble about a I was speaking.

Sometimes you go to meetings. They just shit all over the meet. And we speak sometimes you go to me, they just shit all over the me. You know? Because they think that the you know?

It's like, if you're too cheap to go get a a good psychiatrist, that's not our fault. They come to the meeting, man, and it becomes a free for all. Kinda like what the Washingtonians turned into. A lot of those men and women died drunk. They got carried away with all this other stuff, man.

And it lasted for 10 years. You know? 10 whole years of saving drunks and helping alcoholics, man. And then they got wrapped in all this other stuff. And it was good stuff too, not bad stuff.

Hell, ain't nothing wrong with freeing the slaves. It's a good thing. But they lost focus, man. They didn't have there, we do. We have that.

We have a single purpose, man. And I know it offends people. I know it makes people upset, but it keeps a lot of us fucking sober, man. Keep us keeps a lot of us from drinking, sticking to what's up around here. People wanna hear that, but I gotta hear it.

Or I bounce, man. I I I I I I do a ghost on you. I will. People tell you, you left your commitment because they're not committed to AA. And I gotta be committed to AA, man.

I can go do volunteer work at the Salvation Army. I'm committed. When I have a commitment in an AA meeting, that's because I'm committed to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? I'm not committed to some other cause or ambition when it comes to this thing, man.

So if you got problems, welcome, because we got solutions. That's right. You know? And this stuff works, man. I was on the phone with my mother this morning.

Her mother died. My grandmother died 2 weeks ago. And and and and my mother is laughing because I'm telling her stuff that's funny. And we're talking about love, and we're gonna go put the ashes in the mausoleum, and they already had the the funeral. And I'm a part of that process with my family because you men and women have taught me that I need to make amends.

People tell me I don't have good people skills. Around here, hell no. I don't. Because these people think they got skills coming up in here, and they're gonna run game on me. I know what these people did for me in here.

And I know when you're not doing it for me, I could feel it. There's a feeling that you get when people are trying to run game on you, and then they throw AA in there like a boomerang with blades on it. And I'm not into that, man. I feel it in my my gut, man, when I can I feel AA? I love it.

And my mother is laughing and thinking that I'm crazy. You're funny. You know, I mean, that's in the car. You still going to those meetings, aren't you? Yeah.

She knows what's what's happening. Yeah. She knows what's happening. You know, you people have taken me, and you allowed me to be here with you. You know?

Wherever I go and I go to the meeting, man, there's AA there. You know? And people just be you know, we we get our little coffee. We go in there. We look and we talk and we read this book together.

We go through the steps. We take the steps. Here are the steps we took. Now there's a lot of healthy people in here, man. There's a lot of guys and gals in this very meat, man.

Their lives have just blossomed. You know? They got careers I've seen. I'm looking at these guys, man. And some of the people that I work with, it's step where they're going to school.

They got they got the degrees. They got a lot of stuff, man. And and I'm coming up on 16 years. It's like, you know what? One drink plus 16 years equals nothing.

It equals nothing, man. The highest rank in this deal is sober. Yeah. Because I want it to be something else, man. They're telling me that I'm the best worker at my job.

They're saying you are the best at what you're doing. I got certificates to prove it. You are the best one, and I start thinking about that. And then, and then some some goddamn newcomer calls me. And then I remember, you know, that that that that I'm not really my best out there.

I'm supposed I'm my best in here in AA and all that other stuff, man. It just comes, and I love it. It's beautiful. But it's not the sole aim for my life today forehead of three-dimensional validation. That's not what I'm after.

Something spiritual took place for me here today, not 16 years ago. Today, I woke up this morning. I got on my knees and asked my higher power to keep me sober today. And I'd be willing to bet that I'm gonna thank him tonight because I'm gonna be with you men and women until I go home. If you're new, hang in there.

Help's on the way, but you gotta learn how to stay. You gotta stay here today. You gotta stay here with us. Stay here. There's nothing out there.

Not when it comes to a solution that we have in here. They ain't got nothing, man. The big book says that we don't have a monopoly on God. Okay? When it comes to having a single purpose, keeping a guy or a gal sober like me and you, I I know we win.

I mean, I've played monopoly before. And not like winning when you're playing monopoly, boy. I'm telling you. But when you're losing in monopoly, it sucks. Horrible.

You got the last one little white dollar bill. You know? I love winning. You know? And the reason why I share, and I and I and I close, is is that, you know, I'm grateful for what I have found here.

I'm grateful for what I somebody was saying, well, you sure do talk a lot. You're damn right, man. You're damn right. When it comes to having your life saved, when it comes to gratitude, you know, when it comes to knowing people like Al, I remember the first time I got Al's phone number, man. I was a newcomer, and I was so excited.

It was like kryptonite against them damn losers up there. You know? Watch out. I got Al's phone coming. You better watch it, baby.

Because it gets scary. If you're new and you know you're in pain and you know that you have not been successfully drinking, and you come around here, and you have these people around you floating around here that's not getting this work done, but they claim that they're still one of us as far as getting the work done. You can be confused by that kind of peer pressure in AA. Man, you better find the people that's sticking with this work. And you know who they are, the people you're not hanging with, the ones you're avoiding, The ones you're like, hey.

Uh-oh. Here he comes. Go go go go go go go go go go green team. Here he comes. You know who they are.

You know who they are. You know, don't you? Yeah. You know. I know who they are.

Hell, some days, I stay the hell away from shit. Took me about 4 years to find out again. I've moved back out of there coming out here to these means. I saw him in a meeting, and I had to think, am I mad at him? Yes.

And no. So I run up to it. It's Al. I love Al Russell. Al Russell saved my life, man.

Man. I'll shut up with this. He used to tell his story about having this boat. You know? Look.

Some of y'all went straight back to Disneyland. I'm up here now. Come on. You're you're at Disneyland. He has boat, and you get inside this boat, and you put everything inside the boat, the the the children in your life, your wife, whoever whatever you got going on.

Copy of your big book, your God concept, your favorite meeting, you know, your sponsor. You put all this stuff in the boat. Right? And you're just paddling around on a way you know, on on the sea of life in this boat. And a wave of, the wave of life, a wave of anything.

It could be like me dying last year, almost bled to death. A wave comes and knocks you and everything out of the boat. What do you grab first? You grab the boat, and the boat is Alcoholics Anonymous. And you're either in or you're out.

The opposite of in is always out no matter who you are or what you think it's all about. If you're not in, you're out. And I suggest that you kinda thumb through that tonight along with the resentment I may or may not have given you and figure it out. You know? Anyway, my time's up, and thanks for having me.