The Blue Lake Group's 2nd anniversary in Pompano Beach, FL

Our speaker tonight, obviously, most of you know. I'm looking for a real treat. If you've been here before, sit back and relax. You know what to expect. If you haven't, buckle up.

Lock the doors, guys. And, with that, help me give a warm welcome to Chris Hogg. Howdy. My name is Chris Kramer. I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic.

I got sober on November 13, 19 87. And for that, I'm truly grateful. I, is it close? Can you hear me alright? Yeah.

Hang on. That's what you get for getting a cheap seat. Thanks. I, I need to tell you real quick too because I'm chewing on toothpicks. It's a dead giveaway.

I'm about 45 days away from tobacco. And I'm I just I just need to warn you. I almost don't hate you. It's the truth. I unbelievable.

You know, I've dipped most of my life and I've made light of it. And, oh my gosh. So I don't do it anymore. And, and I'm grateful to be free of that. I tell you I tell you what it did.

It put me kinda back in touch with this with this thing called detox, with this thing called early sobriety. And, I mean, it's a bear. And, all the internal stuff that burbles to the top when we when we kick an addiction, whatever that addiction is. And I it's it's, I'm glad to be here. I I got y'all for an hour.

That's not funny. I wanna get I wanna a lot of y'all in here know me. A lot of y'all it it was so cool. I've been here since about 6 and, I've had a chance to hug next and visit with a bunch of y'all that I've known for years. And it's just it's like old home week coming here.

I I this is my second time before them, and, and I hope I get to come back a lot. No. I I what a beautiful place. Women are hot. I don't know what that's about.

I don't know. Mosquitoes as big as cats, but the women are great. I I don't know. You just said trade out, I guess. I I don't know.

People hear CDs of mine, and they they immediately form an opinion, folks. And I just I gotta tell you going in. I'm gonna go nice and slow into this. I work for a treatment center. I do clerical work for a hospital.

I get a chance to do a thing called Big Book there and I get a chance to know a lot of alcoholics and addicts and try to recover. Some of those patients, ex patients, alumni are in this audience. And I am so honored to to get to know them again and see them out here in the real world. It's a cool deal. But I get to watch people die every day of this disease.

That's not an exaggeration. This is some I'm 7 years in and out of the apocalypse anonymous trying to get well And at the end of a suicide attempt, I end up back in a room full of people that finally understood what this was about. I'm about as passionate about recovery as you can get. Now, guys, I know for a fact that all of y'all are not on the same page. I know that there's some of you guys in here that are little disco drunks that didn't need to work a single step and and and you're staying sober on open discussion meetings and a lot of little chicken shit one liners.

And if that's and if that's your story, I am so proud to know you. Truly. Truly. I I'm gonna ask you not to sponsor anybody. I think it's a sponsor a few if you want to.

If the real alcoholics are gonna die, but you can sponsor them. I don't know. I I just I get so cranky sometimes. You know, I watching this HBO stuff you'll see HBO, the special they did. They did a great job on this addiction stuff.

They're talking about a lot of the new stuff stuff coming out, a lot of the new medications that are coming out for to to to battle alcoholism and drug addiction and new new new methods, you know. And they pretty much dissed Alcoholics Anonymous, You know? They painted this great picture that Alcoholics Anonymous is a great little self help program for for continuation after treatment, but you can't really get sober in AA. You know, and I find that personally offensive. I I gotta ask a question before I get started here.

I just gotta ask a question. I I don't wanna offend anybody, but it's just I think it's a question that all of us lots of us are in the fellowship of all folks anonymous. I know we've got some CA buddies in here and some NA buddies and and I I welcome everybody. I I the question is this. Why is it that when somebody from a public level, television, radio, blah blah blah, and they're gonna present information about Alcoholics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.

They're never in the fellowship. They they never recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of binding body. They've got a bunch of book knowledge. A bunch of you you follow what I'm saying? I mean, it's like these people at HBO.

I I you know, to to paint this this blase picture and, of course, my question is, here's why not get controversial tonight? I mean, hell, I came all the way from Texas. And suddenly, you'll be glad I'm going back in a few hours. I'm I'm sure they had to get alcoholics anonymous with permission for some of this stuff stuff that they did. My question is, who gave them the permission?

Who gave them the permission to misrepresent the fellowship that saved my life? Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program of action, folks. That's what my big book says. Alcoholics Anonymous is not a self help program. Never has been.

By God, never will be. If you can help yourself, you're not an alcoholic. And I tell you, we applaud it in here, and then you'll go to your open discussion meeting tomorrow and won't defend it. That's the grinder with me. That's the problem.

When are we, as a fellowship, gonna take our fellowship back? But, see, the cool thing is is that you can do anything you want in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm with you. I wouldn't change a bit of that. But here's the grind.

If you come into my fellowship as an alcoholic or a drug addict and I happen to be a member of both fellowships, the cocaine anonymous and alcoholics anonymous. But if you come into any of our fellowships and you know all the rules, you know what this fellowship's about, and you choose to do it your own damn way, bop dee a drop. I mean, have a great life. You're welcome. Live long.

Prosper. Okay. Cut down what I'm saying. I mean, I'm I'm not being sarcastic. I'm just saying have a good good life.

You know? If if if you think meeting makers make it, then rock and roll. If you come into the fellowship and you don't know what this fellowship's about and you think it might be a self help program and you're not really sure about these 12 steps and you're kinda confused about what's being said in these meetings, I think I have a responsibility to make sure that you at least know what the truth is. The truth is outlined in a little a little thing that we don't read much anymore. It's called the big book about politics and knowledge.

I know some of y'all do. I was talking to a little cat earlier. You know, he's talking about mutual frustration with the meetings. I said, buddy, if you continue to go to open discussion meetings, why wouldn't you be frustrated? If you know intuitively that the answer is in the big book and we're never gonna pick the big book up and study it and talk about the steps and the and the and the life changing spiritual experience, why wouldn't you be?

But you keep going back to the same stupid meeting. You and me? And this I know this offend. I'm starting off. I said I wasn't gonna do it.

I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get around. I'm watching the clock closer than you are. I can promise you. I I I I'm gonna get to my story.

I'm gonna tell you a little bit about how I got in in this shape. Guys, alcohol is anonymous. In 1935, you know, there's this little skinny guy named Eddie Thatcher that took this message of hope. I mean, it was a it was a in the rudimentary form. It wasn't even in 12 steps, 6 steps.

We stole from the Oxford group, and and Carl Young had had snagged him and, it it we'll snag Roland Hazard. Roland Hazard got Hazard got hold of Eddie, and Eddie went and got a bus and found Bill Wilson. And you're with us what I'm saying? And he he's working the steps with Bill Wilson. Bill Wilson sitting in town's hospital making a freaking amends from the hospital where he'd already done a 3rd step prayer and done a rheumatary 4th step and a 5th step.

And he had his barn burning spiritual experience in the middle of his night step in his on his 3rd treatment stay. Big for you little relapsers. There is hope. But every but but everybody that forgets to realize that he Bill Wilson had a spiritual experience because he finally got off his butt and started working these 12 steps. He didn't go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

I'll tell you something else you might not have known. Bill Wilson got excited about this fellowship and started doing the steps and started working with others and and knew that his primary purpose was to carry the message of hope to other alcoholics just like Eddie had carried the message to him. Eddie stopped. Eddie didn't. Eddie got tired of doing that mess, got a little good crop full of resentment, ended up getting loaded, and had a real tough time staying sober.

He ended up supposedly dying sober, but but he didn't stay sober. The guy that took the message to the cofounder of the Auto Autonomous didn't stay sober. Why? Because he didn't do what he told Phil Wilson to do. That's what we have a problem within our fellowship.

We have a whole bunch of people, professionals out there in the field, people in our own fellowship, want to tell everybody what to do, but they're not doing it themselves. It drives me nuts. I'm gonna go back and say this. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my story. I love every person in this room, any person that's ever tried to do this deal.

I don't care how many times you've been in and out of this fellowship. You you have my undying respect and admiration for trying to to address this issue. It's a it's a bear. The good news is is that I have never known a single solitary person that worked these 12 steps that didn't have the necessary spiritual experience in recovery. I introduce myself in the podium the way I'm supposed to.

And I suggest that everybody in this room pick up the book and read it, and you start introducing yourself the same way. My name is Chris Rayburn. I'm a recovered alcoholic. You know you know who takes exception with these talks? I don't and I get emails from all over the world.

God, I love emails. I no. I do. Any I have email relationship with dozens of y'all in this room. Your your emails are pages long.

Mine are very short and to the point. I sent one yesterday. Eat me. Click. Then sure.

I don't type for a wealth. The people? But I can type that. The peep the people that wanna take exception with the stuff that I'm coming everything I'm saying comes straight out of big book, folks. I mean, everybody give bust my ass.

You're you're way too controversial. You know, I don't cuss here as much as I used to, And that, I can say, was controversial cussing from the podium. You shouldn't do it. It's not right. And I'm trying real hard not to do it.

Gonna try hard tonight not to do it. But everything I'm talking about comes straight out of the big book. And and I'm labeled controversial. We got little thumpers in this room right now that are carrying old beat up big books into their meeting, and they wanna open the book and start talking about what's in the literature says, and they're stopped. And they're called controversial.

But you can get up and talk about your freaking weed eater one more time and everything's just okay. Don't understand that. I'll go back to your stupid relationship one more time and everybody, oh, she shares so from the heart. Jeff, I would call it cutie, but you can call it if you want. See?

And that's where I it gets iffy because y'all all think it's your God given right to say anything you want in the media. I and I just don't understand that. It's like it's like we've got the solution. You never have to drink a drug again as long as you live, but we're gonna talk to you about this another day because right now somebody's having a problem with a relationship and they need to talk about it. Freaked me out.

Guys, I'm gonna tell you something. There's some of the finest people I know on earth, and they're called therapists. They're trained, knowledgeable people that can sit down and untangle the knot that you call your life. In about 20 minutes, they could help you see some real truth. Find 1.

Most of the the poor beggars work on on a sliding scale. They're not that expensive. No. They're not. For the price you take for that crap on HBO, you could go to a good therapist.

I'm taking the gloves off of these guys. I'm telling you. I'm looking at the clock. I'm watching the clock real close. I I don't get out to the West Coast much.

I I I speak all over the country, but there's pockets where I speak more than other places. But I you're recently I've been out in the West Coast a bunch. You know, they give you on these on these plains out there. They give you wine. Yeah.

Come southwest, guys. It's $5. You want a glass of cheap, some kind of crap that's got some grapes passed over it. It's it's not okay. But out in California, it's the it's the the featured wine of the day.

You know? They're just pouring buckets of this crap. You know? And I'm watching this because, like, where were those beggars 19 years ago when I could've used some of them? They're giving us free wine.

I was told I was talking about this earlier. And this lady sitting next to me, she gets some of this wine and she drinks a little sip. She sips it. She says, well, I don't know. She takes a couple of sips and she sets it down.

And she opens her book and starts to read. And she never drinks anymore. She takes a couple of sips and that's it. Now, guys, I have an obsession about alcohol. I mean, I the obsession you did was lived for me 19 years ago.

I I I don't have a problem sitting there. She she could bathe in it, and it wouldn't bother me. You would but I'm I can't help noticing that she's abusing alcohol next to me. You're not you're not drinking it yet. Stewart has come by.

She said, well, we have some part of the bottle left. Would you care for some more? She said, no, thank you. I didn't care for this one. You could take it away.

My big book on page 20 talks about that. This is called a moderate drinker. They can take that stuff or leave it alone. With us? No.

A lot of people like that. They can take it or leave it alone. Next paragraph. But what about the hard drinker? Yeah?

This cat's got the habit badly enough to affect him physically and mentally. Maybe he may may even shorten his life. Maybe medical attention. But give me good reason, a guy can stop. Talk to share the podium with a with a, a lady down the valley not couple of years ago, and I'll I'll never forget it.

In this conversation with my story, I was on a lot of antidepressants and, was able to, with a doctor's care after I got sober, to get off the damn thing. I mean, I I just how cool it was for me. I was diagnosed with everything under the sun and true doubt, most of it was misdiagnosed. I had alcoholism. God damn.

Who knew? You know? And when I finally recovered from the alcoholism, I I got well, anyway, she took offense because she's taking the goddamn pills, and she what she heard me say was everybody ought to get off those meds. I I'm in a treatment center industry, folks. I'm I'm not saying if you need them, take them.

If you don't need them, stop taking them. I'm not a doctor. See a doctor. Wean yourself off. Try it.

If it doesn't work, get back on the damn things. I don't care. It's a non issue with me. Y'all make sense? This lady was pissed.

Okay. And so after the meeting, she comes up after the talk, and she she wants to share with me. And in the process of the conversation, she explains to me. She said, Chris, I drank because I couldn't sleep. Excuse me?

I drank because I couldn't sleep. That's that's why you drank. Yeah. And so you got sober and did what? I finally went to a doctor and he gave me some sleep medication stuff.

And now I take this sleep medication and I don't have a problem. I'm I'm I've been free of alcohol for 13 years. I I said, well, first, I'm how cool for you and I'm glad grateful how I don't know what you're doing here. You're not an alcoholic. Of course, she didn't appreciate that at all.

She got really pissed. And I don't care. I'm gonna give you she's exactly what we're talking about. That's a hard drinker. She couldn't sleep.

She got some some medication. She can sleep now. Duh. No shit. How cool is that?

She doesn't need to drink. Given sufficient reason, she can stop on her own. My book says if you can stop without a spiritual experience, you're not one of us. Guys, Alcoholics Anonymous is not for everybody that has a drinking problem. Our fellowships, our 12 step fellowships are not for people that have have a little minor problem without calling drugs.

You I suppose you're welcome if you wanna hang around, but you need to understand what this fellowship was started for. This fellowship was created for people that are dying of a disease that nothing else will work for. They need the spiritual experience. If you if you could stop without the spiritual experience, you are not one of us. If that offends you, too bad.

Because here's what's happening. I don't mind the 2 sitting in our rooms, drinking our coffee, talking your stuff. I worry about the people you're sponsoring. Can y'all get down with this? You're the ones telling people to take your time to work the steps.

Killing people. Telling people to take their time to work the steps. Nowhere in the book does it say take your time to work the steps. You know what I tell you? You know who wants to take exception with this?

It ain't the old geezers. I bet you we got people in this room that 30 years plus over, they're not gonna they they don't ever come take exception with my talks. Because this is what we used to do in the early days. We understood this was about God. It ain't the newcomers.

The little guys with hair sticking out of here and spikes all in their face and shit. They love me. They love they love this fellowship. They love to get excited about this. You know the people that wanna come up and take my goddamn inventory?

I'll tell you who it is. It's the people that got sober in the eighties in a treatment center where they told you that you will always be recovering. Not all of them. Most of them. I was talking to my brother about it.

He agrees. It's the same thing. That's what I'm saying, guys. Let's have an open mind. Hear what I'm saying.

Understand the passion that where where this comes from. I know that for the real alcoholic, not the hard worker, not the moderate worker, I don't care what they do. For the real McCoy, the cat that cannot cannot not drink. The the cat that can't stay out of the crack house no matter what. They're losing their kids.

They're losing their job. They're losing their health. They're going crazy. They don't wanna do it, but they can't not do it. There's only one solution for them.

It's called a spiritual experience. Open and roomy, guys. That god of your understanding can be anything you want. Nobody's trying to jam religion down anybody's throat. Find what works for you and do it.

But no human power can relieve what's wrong with me. They just read it and how it works. It's what drives me crazy. We sit up right up here and read how it works. There's no human power can relieve what's wrong with me, that God could and would if He were sought.

And then we sit down and we try to play junior therapist in an open discussion meeting. Well, this is what I think you should do about that. This is what I think you should do with that. You should come before or after the meeting and tell me about that. But in the meeting, we ought to be talking about God in the 12 steps.

Why why is that so controversial? Early days of Apollos Anonymous, that's all we had. Speaker meetings and step study meetings where we got together and talked about the steps. And some moron came along and figured that we needed to branch out and and let the newcomer have a place to share all of his day and what's going on. We can just talk and feel good.

You know what it was. It was somebody that went through treatment. I'm telling you that so enjoyed process group, let's do this in AA. People always jamming, Chris, we need to talk about our stuff. I've never said from any podium ever guys, I've been doing this for 15 years from these podiums.

I've never ever ever said it's not important to talk about your stuff. It is. I'm just saying, god, why do we have to do it in the 1 hour a day that we've got to talk about the steps? Do you realize tonight that there are people in this in this world there's people in in this town now going to meetings that will go to a meeting time and time again for a week and never once hear how in the hell to get sober. Because we're too busy trying to fix their life.

Big book is real clear about We can't take on the problems of every alcoholic and addict that comes to our fellowships, nor should we try. We have one primary purpose. Let's help you get connected to God, and then let's let God take care of that. Why should we take up an hour trying to help you decide whether you need to get a divorce or not? Guys, every one of you in here have been in the meetings where that's what we did.

Why are you doing that? I don't know what's right for you. I sure don't. I was in a food business, folks. I drank a lot.

I had a a pretty long run. Late in my drinking history, I I I discovered some outside issues with a powdery substance that kinda slammed me against the wall. And, I just alcohol was the nemesis, though. I'm gonna tell you guys. The other drugs accelerated my bottom.

Alcoholism and drug addiction, guys, is progressive fatal illness. It's not causal. It's genetic. You're born this way. Some of us just have this predisposition to it, and it it's got nothing to do with the way you're raised.

Some of us were affected very adversely by the way we were raised, and that can damn sure exacerbate the problem, but it doesn't cause the problem. You're born alcoholic or addict. That's a fact, Jack. Some of you guys are sitting in here still wanting to blame your family. I aside from the fact that my mom and dad had sex, they had nothing to do with my autologous.

I'm not robbing liquor stores. I'm not having blackouts. I'm not going to jail. I am, working at some nice houses, making some good money, hanging it together pretty good. Internally, I'm not doing so well.

I think some of y'all can get around this. It's not that the hangovers are getting me or that I'm drinking. It's the the when I'm not drinking, the depression's kicking my butt. And I'm starting to see very on, this little thing that nobody seems to wanna talk about in meetings called the bedevilments on page 52 start to kick my butt. And and, I'm so frustrated because I intuitively know that the drinking and drugging is causing the problems.

But when I stop drinking and drugging, I don't get better. I get worse. That's what people out there that are not alcoholic and addict don't understand. And that's what a lot of professional people don't understand. That's what a lot of doctors that should know better don't know.

If just not drinking would fix me, folks, then detox centers would crank out a 100% success rate. You with it? I mean, most of this room has been to treatment more than once. You got detoxed. Why didn't you stay detoxed?

Because that was just one piece. Y'all with us? The physical piece. When I stop drinking, I start to get worse. The depression comes back.

The low self esteem comes back. This internal discomfort, this inability to focus. This oh my god. The anxiety starts to come back. And 2, 3 weeks out, I start saying, you know, I need just a little something to help.

No. No. You can vacuum. You can probably smoke a joint, Chris. Don't hurt me talking a 1000 CDs about this.

I mean, I as far as I'm concerned, pot's the the stupidest drug on earth. I mean, I I hate I I know. We get little pot addicts in the in the hospital where I work all the time. I can't imagine anybody getting addicted to that horrible chemical. I mean, I I horny and paranoid.

But it never that's what happened to me. I put the I I don't wanna drink anymore. I'm not gonna do any more methamphetamine. I'm not gonna do any more cocaine. I'm not you with me?

3 weeks away from from the last substance in my body, and I'm coming apart at the sink. You know, with me? Everybody's irritating me. The girlfriend's irritating me. The radio station's irritating me.

My truck, everywhere I live. The I'm in constant turmoil with everybody around me. You with me? And then this little thought process. Hey.

You can this joint's oh, that's for real. Yeah. That's the thickest pot. So I go smoke pot. I'm in the food business.

You they're back there in the dumpsters right now. They're smoking pot by the every restaurant in the world out by the dumpster, they're smoking pot. I go over there. Hey. What are you smoking?

Pot? What's up? Yeah. Just a little. And I smoke it.

And I walk back in, realize I've made a horrible mistake. I'm instantly paranoid. I go hide in the chef's office under the desk because I am freaking out. Steady rubbing myself. I I say, I the heck with this.

I can't do this. I go get me a drink. Get the cocktail waitress. Bring me a drink. Chris, I thought you were on the wagon.

Honey, I didn't say get me drunk. I said give me a drink. There you go. You're with me? I go get a drink.

Physical allergies kicked in. It was kicked in from the first joint. I'm off to the stupid races. The next day, I get loaded. Don't that night.

Do it the next day, and I'm off doing it again. Guys, you do this a few hundred times and you get to a place called hopelessness. You with us? Your families don't understand. Everybody's waiting for you to hit a bottom.

Everybody's waiting for everybody to hit a when is she gonna lose enough to quit drinking? Never. Don't y'all understand that? It's what it says on page 24. You have lost the power of choice in drink.

That's why it drives me crazy when all we do in treatment is wanna spend 90% of our time talking about relapse prevention, ways to keep ourselves sober. I'm gonna go back to this again, folks. If you can keep yourself sober, you ain't one of us. I'm not saying let's don't teach it early sobriety. It it helps a lot.

But if you think for the rest of your life, you're gonna be able to remember the consequences of that week or the month, you're not. Consequences of that week or the month, you're not. Our jails of Texas I don't know. I'm sure not here in Florida. In Texas, they're full of of people that had the opportunity to quit and couldn't because they couldn't remember the consequences.

Make sense? You don't remember that you're on probation. You don't remember the fact that your child protective services has been called and you're fixing to lose your kids. Guys, alcoholism and drug addiction are also form of mental insanity. That first step that says quite clearly we are powerless means what it says.

If you can stop because you can remember a consequence list, then you're not powerless. I saw a guy in the airport in Houston. I had to lay over in Houston. I saw a guy in the airport. This little guy came to our treatment center 4 years ago.

And 3 years out, he had to come to Jesus with himself and realized that he wasn't even really one of us. He could drink normally. He's made a conscious choice to not do cocaine anymore and hasn't touched another drop. You with us? Wasn't even one of us.

Makes sense? He can remember the consequences of where that stuff put him. I know this makes some of you think and that makes you uncomfortable, but I want you I Ask yourself a question. The book asked me to ask you the questions. When you drink a drug, do you do more than you intended?

Some of us do it a lot. The question is, do have you ever done it more than you intended? Yep. K. 2nd piece, given sufficient reason, can you stop?

Does your experience show that given good reason, you can quit? Quit. I had a patient yesterday. I said, what do you mean by quit? I mean, alcoholics.

And I I'm telling you, every patient in that hospital today, a family member knows they need to be there. The doctor knows they need to be there. The judge knows they need to be there. The employer knows they need to be there. The only person that's a little confused is the patient.

Oh my god. I'm trying to save a wife. 1987. I'm trying to save, it's 1980 early eighties. And, I go see this counselor and, there was a little domestic disturbance, and I had to go see a counselor as part of this probation deal.

And, it was a little one. It wasn't a bad one, but it was enough. I mean, I I was never raised to treat women with disrespect, and I certainly treated my wife with disrespect that night. And, this counselor looked at my chart and I'm taking 7 pills a day, guys. I'm I'm in and out of every kind of you with me?

Every time I go back to a doctor, they prescribed another pill. Oh, Chris, they misdiagnosed you. You're you're ADD. That's why you can't no. Chris, they misdiagnosed you.

You. You're manic depressive. Chris didn't misdiagnosed you. You have clinical depression. You end up just I'm not I know there's people that have all those illnesses.

I'm not not I'm I'm just saying, Jesus, this was getting expensive. You know, 7 pills a day. And I'm breaking it down with with with beer. You know? So I mean, I really y'all imagine.

I'm a little quick. I'm a little And she looks at me and she said, Chris, I don't know about all these psychiatric disorders. Looking at what what we've gone through here, you're an alcoholic, which I was just incensed. I mean, that it pissed me off. I mean, I I don't mind being borderline schizophrenic, you know.

But I don't it actually sounds pretty good, those bars. You know? I mean, if you talk about getting people's attention. I don't wanna be a drunk. My dad was a drunk.

I don't wanna be she said, you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did, and I started my 7 year journey in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know those people love me. I know those were trying to help me. It was at the height of the treatment center industry in North Texas, and all I got was, you can make this make it.

You keep coming back. Everything's gonna be okay. And I did. I kept coming back for 7 years. At the end of 7 years, things were going so great.

I tried to commit suicide. I never bought a big book because I didn't have a clue what that was about. I never worked one single step. Never got a sponsor. Never got a home group because we were too busy talking about your day.

And we still do it today. Page 62 says, Selfish and self centeredness, that we think is the root of the problem. And for me to think that I have the right to come into a meeting and talk about anything I want absolutely takes my breath away. Especially, when there's a newcomer in that room that may never get a chance to hear the solution to this to this disease again. Guys, don't misunderstand.

It. You're in a new meeting with the same 6 ladies that you've been sitting with for years. It's a nice little AA group, and y'all love each other. If y'all wanna talk about the until the cows come home, have a great life. If you get a newcomer in there, let's remember what our traditions tell us about our primary purpose and bring that thing back to a screeching halt about how to work the 12 steps rapidly so that the necessary spiritual experience will come.

Why is that so problematic? People wanna take exception with this all that Chris, you just didn't wanna stay sober. How how do you know that? No. You think about the first time that you went in and picked up a desire desire to you screwed up your courage and you walked in with AA meeting or another 12 step meeting and you picked up a chip and you wanna tell me that you didn't really wanna stay sober.

There was times I was talking out of the side of my mouth and I didn't have any intention of doing that. But I'm gonna tell you guys, in the 7 year period, there was a bunch of times that I really wanted to get sober. I really needed to get sober. You follow? There's this little window of opportunity.

You know, we get you in the door. What are we gonna do with you once we got you? Well, you just chill out. You just take your time. Easy does it.

You know what the book says? No? You know what the book says easy does it is? That's in reference to our families. You know what I suggest you do in your families?

Easy does it. Nice and easy. Doesn't say take the steps easy. Doesn't say anything about that. It said that we should be seeking the solution with the desperation of a drowning man.

Real quick because I gotta go here pretty quick. Understand understand what I'm saying. Understand what I'm saying. I wanted to stay sober. I needed to stay sober.

But just going to meetings doesn't treat alcoholism. That's That's what drives me crazy. In my own hospital where I work in Texas, that's one of their big shits. You're telling every patient 90 meetings in 90 days. Why are we doing that?

We're we're we're we're letting them believe. Like, you see, you're grinding your teeth. Some of you are in here. I did 90 meetings in 90 days, and I stayed sober. Rock on.

Rock on. What else did you do? Because if you didn't work the steps while you're going to those meetings, then you need to consider your membership in this fellowship. I'm telling you folks, this progressive illness doesn't stop because I stopped drinking. It gets worse, not better.

Your families don't understand that. They think you'll just stop doing cocaine, you'll just stop drinking, that you're gonna get better. And we don't. We get worse. We come out sideways and start using again.

Big? Only with a vengeance this time. That's why we're saying. That's why Bill Wilson and doctor Bob understood. The early cats and alcohol synodamas all worked the steps in 30 or 40 days.

There was nobody. Come on, guys. You got a guy sitting in detoxing. He's coming out of the skin, and he can't he visit with him a little bit because he ain't gonna hear anything you got to say. But after 3 or 4 days, this see, he's coming down.

He's getting his feet on the ground. It still feels like shit, but he can think. Let's start getting him through the steps. Everybody said, well, what's the urgency? The urgency?

Alcohol is on top of that. Because all of us in this room know exactly what that's about. What happens when Chris Kramer, when the obsession is to do cocaine or the obsession to drink alcohol? What happens when it comes back to me? What do I do?

Oh, I call my sponsor. You'd be the first on the planet that ever did that. Isn't that a proof? Sometimes you remember it. Sometimes you don't.

Guys, our job, 19 87. I'm working for my twin brother. I tried to commit suicide. Y'all heard this story a thousand times. I I just sick and tired of living the way I was living.

And I I just I couldn't let anybody else down. I could I'm sick and tired of letting myself down. I can't see that there's any hope for me. I'm 35 years old. I've just bankrupted another checking account.

I'm physically, I'm dying. I've got I've got major physical problems going on. Mental defectiveness, not the least of them. I mean, I'm crazy. I can't make decisions.

My mind's racing 9,000 miles an hour, and I'm thinking about suicide on a daily basis. I picked up those stack of return checks and said, the heck with this. If this is life, you could have it. Tried to off myself. Heard a voice that night that said, Chris, don't do it.

Go back to AA. Conversations with that voice, I committed that the next day I would go back to Alkali Tanami. And I woke up the next morning and I heard the voice one last time. Never heard it since. I couldn't go to the meetings that I ordinarily went to up in Denton because it was I had to work too late.

And I had to go to another meeting. Somebody had showed me before, and I walked in the back. This guy had warned me, though. He said, this meeting is is kinda different. He said, Chris, if you go to this meeting, it's a bumper meeting.

I said, what? What's that? He said, you know what it is. It's one of them. They all carry big books, and they're all zealots.

This didn't sound too good to me. But I had no place else to go, and I've made a promise with God that night. Anyway, I pulled up behind the AA club. I mean, behind it. You're with us 2 blocks away.

Walked in the back door. Here I go again one more time. Walk in. I know the drill. I've been to 100 of your meetings.

I've listened to every stupid war story known to man. I've listened to every problem being discussed. Why is this gonna work? I walked in the back door. Little girl got between me and the door.

Y'all know the story. Thank God that 19 year old girl was in a a a main street AA meeting and not often some little special meeting with special people. She was there she was there for me. And she slide up next to me and got my little belt loop, set me down on a chair, and got me a cup of coffee because everybody was laughing, guys. Well, I I knew they were laughing at me.

I was so self conscious, and I I'm checking my zipper and my patch and making sure I got I'm just a mess. And, and they went around the room. The chairperson beat had a beat on me from the minute I walked through the door. He said, we've seen Chris up here in North Texas for a long time trying to get sober. Let's why don't we just share some hope with this cat?

Let's share how our lives are better as a result of working the steps. I'll never forget that. I mean, I am not set up. I thought, oh, this ought be good. You with it?

I said, surely, shit. Somebody's gonna start telling war stories. That just drives me crazy. Guys, we all know how to drink. Why do we have to tell another story?

Your story is the most important thing you've got in a 12 step call. This may sound new to you guys, but I'm telling you, that's why we have our story In a 12 step call tonight when the phone rings and there's some guy down at Denny's, couple of us can go down there and talk to this guy and tell him a few of our stories and he'll identify and he'll go, god damn, you know what you're talking about here. You drink just like I drink. Yeah. We do.