Toluca Lake, CA

Okay. I would like to now introduce our main speaker, Leroy. Thank you, sir. Hey. My name is Leroy Yergan, and I'm an alcoholic.

And, the reason I identify my last name a lot of the times is because, I'm one of them guys who drink alcohol and get locked up. And, when I got sober, I had to, clean up, the wreckage of my past, so I got a printout from the parole office and I noticed that I had 11 monikers. I remember using about 3 of them. I have no idea where the other 8 came from. So my sponsor advised me in my early sobriety sobriety, it might be good if I identified with my whole name so I could remember who I really was.

Anyways, I wanna thank all the newcomers, for being here. I know how hard it is to walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanna welcome the relapsers. Sobrieties. I'll try to keep this orderly, but I have a tendency to, bounce around periodically.

And I wanna thank Irene, not Irene, Lorraine for asking me to come out and share my experience and hope with you. I'm gonna share in a general way, you know, what it what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. I have a lot of experience in sobriety, so my hopefully, my sobriety will be longer than my my drinking and my using. My story is real similar to our leader's story. She mentioned some things in her in her in her pitch that that dated her.

And that's one thing I love about Alcoholics Anonymous is I was taught early on to look for similarities, and it doesn't matter who's at the podium, today, the majority of the time. Unless I am in, you know, Leroyville population 1 where I hear nothing, I'm able to relate usually with what the speakers are are saying. So, I come from a a family of of of alcoholics or drug addicts. I know my my stepfathers were alcoholic. My mother had 5 kids by 5 different men.

And I would remember later on in life, I would ask her why 5 different dads? And I remember her telling me, variety was a spice of life. You know, we were on welfare from as far back as I can remember. There were out of the 5 kids, I was Caucasian. My brother who's next in line was part Hispanic.

My sister was my 3 sisters were part black. So early on, I I got to experience a lot of bigotry and racism. So I learned to fight real early for those girls because those girls had a hard time, you know. And you know what? I know today that my mother did exactly what she could do with what she had available.

And I remember stealing reds reds and cross top whites and and different pills, you know, in my in my early teens from her. You know? I think they were 10 for a dollar back then. You know, and they sold jars and they always had tons of them. And it didn't really become a problem, until later on, but I can remember in in real early OD ing on reds in 6th grade.

And I remember him taking me to the principal's office, but I don't remember anything after that. And my mom said she came to the school and picked me up, and I was sleeping on the floor. And because I had had a history of migraine headaches, they'd mark it down as a migraine headache. And, you know, that would follow me, through my whole life. You know?

I have I have been arrested numerous times, I mean, numerous times, and, none of the the the large offense have been for drugs or alcohol. But yet everything I've ever been arrested for was related to drugs and alcohol. It seems like no matter what I was doing, there was always some kind of mask over what I was doing, you know, some kind of justification. I remember I remember going into junior high, you know, and I remember having to fight on a regular basis, like I said, for those girls. You know, today, when we have a family reunion, it's kinda like the United Nations when you go.

But I love that, you know. And and and the and the downside to that is I spent a lot of years locked up in jails and institutions. And when I was in in an institution, I was, required to pick my race and hang with my race. And and, you know, it was really, really, really, you know, it was really hurtful to me that I couldn't show family photos because I didn't want anybody to know what kind of family I had. And I wouldn't learn that till later on in life how important that was to me.

You know? Anyways, I didn't start using, you know, on a regular basis, until I was 19. I remember drinking a lot during my my teenage years, you know, but it was only at parties and it would only be on the weekend. You know, I don't even remember smoking pot on a regular basis. I was the kind of kid that just got up early in the and I left home because I was ashamed of our our home, and I didn't come back till 9, 10 o'clock at night.

And the bottom line was is, you know, it had nothing to do basically with my home. I would find out later that I suffered from from from the way I felt about myself. And that was explained to me as being a spirituality. And, of course, I would learn that here in Alcoholics Anonymous. I started injecting drugs when I was 19.

You know, up up until that point, I didn't think alcohol was a problem. I would start doing a lot of speed, then I would do truenols, and I would do secondals, and I would do you name it all and I would do it all. It didn't matter. I never had a drug of choice. Nobody ever came up to me and said, hey.

I I have this, and I said, no. Thank you. It is not my drug of choice. My drug of choice was whatever you had because I didn't like to share mine. You know?

And I was also a liar, a cheat, and a thief. And you've heard it around the rooms, and I'm one of them. I would love to steal your drugs and then help you look for them. That was my big thing. I was never a robber where I went in and took anything, but if there was no eyes on it, I would conveniently pick it up.

Like I said, I remember my my my first meeting of of Alcoholics Anonymous was in 1979, and I was at Descalue Center LA County Jail. I don't know if Biscolu Center is still part of the LA County system, but I remember being up in a dorm, and I think I'm doing all of 30 days on possession of a hype kit or something. And, somebody came into the dorm and he started putting on his Bonnaroo clothes. For those of you who don't know what Bonnaroo is, it's like your best Sunday, go to church closed, and he was putting on his Bonnaroo's. And I said, where are you going?

I knew it wasn't a a a visiting day. He says, I'm going to AA. There's gonna be some ladies and some donuts. I would learn later on in Alcoholics Anonymous that this was a trick that that, you know, ran through the system for years years because I just heard it last weekend again. And exactly my experience.

When we went down to the meeting, I walked into the meeting and the first thing I noticed was there was no donuts. The second thing I noticed was there was no women. I remember 11 elderly gentleman, real thick glasses, sitting down. He had a blue book in his hand. The guards would conveniently lock the mess hall behind us, so we were now captive.

And he said we're gonna have an AA meeting. And I don't remember anything I heard at that meeting that night, and I wouldn't remember that meeting until I would try to get sober, years later. I have, like I said, I have a couple of sobriety dates. I've done, three terms in the state penitentiary, and I've been arrested numerous times and done numerous county jail stitches, as a result of, drugs and alcohol. When I when I would first come into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I came in as a drug addict.

For some reason, I thought there was some kind of prestige that went along with being a junkie. Why? I'll never know. Thank god for the age old concept in this book, 1 drunk working with another, that I had to pick a sponsor, who was sitting down with me and gonna take me through the the the steps. And this guy, had absolutely nothing in common with my life except that he drank alcohol and was sober.

And I didn't even know that I had a problem with alcohol, and I was trying to get sober. But his sober story interests me. He was 6 foot 5, I was 5 foot 6. He was African American, I was Caucasian. He was a graduate of UCLA and worked at UCLA, and I was a graduate of Penn State.

I mean, State Penn. I used a lot of drugs. He only drank. I had been to jails and institutions numerous times. He had never been to jails or institutions.

But the bottom line was is he knew how to stay sober and that appealed to me. And he would sit down and he would take me through the steps, and he would have me look at my experience with each individual drug, and he would have me look at alcohol. And I don't know if any of you guys are like me, but when I looked at my experience and I saw how I used and I saw how I drank, there was a lot of relief for me. Because like I said, I came in a drug addict. And what I found out as a result of of the steps was that I was an alcoholic who used a lot of drugs.

You know, I can identify as an addict, but I was directed in my early sobriety that if I identify as an alcoholic and an addict, I had to put $2 in a basket. That was before we put $2 in anyway. So today's math, that would be 4. And so it's the little things that I would learn along the line here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Most of them, you know, funny, but but but the majority of them true for me.

You know, looking at your own experience to get your own answers is not only fact facing, it's fact freeing. I would you know, it was explained to me that I would I would I would go on a journey. I would do these steps, and maybe I would find out that I'm not an alcoholic and I didn't need you people. I don't know about you, but that was appealing to me when I got here. You know, I was after I'd asked him to be my sponsor, he he told me, I'm I require you to come to this workshop every Saturday afternoon.

And then every Sunday, you're to meet me, at my house. And we did that. And we started at the title the the first page of the big book, and we went through the whole big book, you know, week by week by week, and there was no set what we would cover. Some days we would cover 2 pages. Some day we would cover 2 paragraphs.

And it was a and tedious experience when you have a a a lot of people in a workshop because the neat thing about that is is everybody's experience is everybody's experience. But the common thread was that, the majority of the time, the result from doing the action was very similar. So I started to see I started to have an experience, as a result of the steps, and I started to understand a little bit about Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I had already spent, three and a half years in a penitentiary and numerous, you know, numerous county jail, terms at that point. That was my first sobriety.

And, you know, we we did little things, you know, little things in my first sobriety. And the reason I share on my first sobriety a lot of the time is because there's a lot of things I did in my first sobriety that is still true and is still valid for me today. There are some things that I didn't continue to do in my first sobriety that were probably the cause of my relapse, and there are some things I do today that are a little bit different from my first sobriety, but a lot of the stuff that I did in my first sobriety, is still true and valid today. And I'll cover some of that stuff as I as I try to walk you through my experience with the steps. You know, when I first came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, anonymous, I would hear stuff like just don't drink or use no matter what.

You know, think think think think think think. You know, I didn't understand those sayings because nobody ever sat me down and told me and showed me how you just don't drink or use no matter what. You know, if I could drink or use no matter what, I would not be an Alcoholics Anonymous. And I would find out later on that there was a process outlined in this book, that would help me have an experience, that would help me to learn how to just not drink or use no matter what. And and and I'm just so grateful today.

I've I've been, really involved in alcoholics anonymous for for 10 years. My sobriety date is December 24th, 19 96. That is my 2nd sobriety date. I relapsed with 7 years of sobriety the first time around. You know?

But after having these experiences and doing a 4 step, you know, when we looked at the first step, and I don't I don't hear this a lot anymore, but but, you know, I like to mention it because I don't wanna forget the process that I went through where I had my experience that that made me feel a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. In this workshop, we looked at the first step, and and we were on the first step for a long time. So there's no doubt in my mind that I know today that the first step is probably the most important step in my sobriety. And then I would learn later on that there were some other programs that had the other 11 steps pretty much incorporated in what they did. They just didn't have the first step, and they worked a little bit.

They just didn't quite work as well as Alcoholics Anonymous. One of those was the Oxford group. And we would look at the 4 step, I mean, the first step in 4 parts. You know? You know, I'm powerless over alcohol.

We would look at that physically and mentally. You know, physically, once I put a drink into my body, what happens? If you're anything like me, your body breaks out into a craving for another drink. It was explained to me like strawberries. If you're allergic to strawberries and you eat strawberries, you'll break out in a rash.

You know, the thing that happens to me is I put alcohol into my body. I get a craving for more alcohol, and then I break out in handcuffs and go to jails and prisons. My story. I don't get to play in rehab. I don't get to do any of those things.

And I've learned today, and I know today, that it's an absolute fact as of this minute that if I walk out of here, I commit a crime and get caught, that the state of California has not forgotten who I am. And it doesn't matter how long away that I am of my last drink because they know. You know, so the second half was the I mean, the second half of that is is, when I decide for good and all to quit, can I pull that off? I quit on many occasions. I quit drinking on many many many many occasions.

You know, I remember one Christmas, and this is just a little bit of of the, you know, the unmanageability that was going on. I remember decorating a Christmas tree, drinking egg noggin brandy, chasing the old lady around the house with that Christmas tree. Next conscious thought. I mean, the next thing I remember, sitting down and redecorating the Christmas tree. That only happens to alcoholics, I believe.

I have not heard that story anywhere else, but I've heard similar stories here. You know, so I know when I decide for good and all to quit, whether it be drugs or alcohol, I can't pull that off. And the reason I love the big book is because it never tells me you are, you are, you are. You know, the judge told me I was. The ex old lady and the old lady told me I was.

My mom even told me, even though she used more than me that I was. Everybody knew I was an alcoholic and a drug addict, but I always thought that I was never hurting anybody. You know, so, you know, the big book says at that point, if you can't control the amount once you take a drink and you can't just decide for good and all to quit and pull that off, you're probably alcoholic. When I hear the word probably, that means maybe. And it was sufficient enough, information for me to go on.

And then we would look at the unmanageability. The second the second half the first half of the second half of the first step. Four parts. And if I confuse you, grab me afterwards, and I'll try to put it clear clearer than I am right now. The second half of the first step broken into 2 parts, the unmanageability.

Well, I was real clear on the physical unmanageability in my life. You know, the wrecked cars, the, you know, the the fights in at home, the tearing up of furniture. You know what I mean? The the creditors, the warrants. That was the physical unmanageability, the stuff that I've seen out here.

And when I first came into these rooms, I heard that, you know, I was powerless over alcohol. That's why my life is unmanageable, but that's not the case. The unmanageability are the results a lot of the time on my alcoholism, but I also had unmanageability in my life that I wasn't aware of. And like I said, this guy that was my sponsor at the time was smart enough to know when he sat me down to to tell me exactly what that was. I had the physical out here, and then I had a spiritual unmanageability in here.

And I remember at, I don't know, 3 or 4 years sober, I was living over the hill. Clancy was Sharon. He had around 29 years. I don't know if this is what he was saying from the podium, but I know this is what I heard. He had said, I never found anything to fill the hole in my gut in sobriety that alcohol did.

And I related to that so much that I thought, well, if I don't find something here to fill that hole, I'm gonna drink again. And and I would drink again. You know? So I don't know if that was a setup. I know that my relapse, the first time around, started in my 6th year.

I wouldn't actually take a drink till my 7th year, but I slowly started to separate myself from you guys. You know, the spiritual unmanageability is something that I have to deal within. I think I think it says in a book, and I'm paraphrasing. It says that deep down in every man, woman, and child is a basic fundamental to god. And and it goes on to say, there is the only place it can be found deep down within.

And I relate to what that is talking about because I always looked for god out here. You know, chains on the wall, you know, in books. You know, I had no idea that spirituality would start in when, within. And I think Chuck c talks about that in the 4th step where he says that we're gonna uncover, we're gonna discover, and we're gonna discard. And that's gonna come from inside also.

So, you know, now I'm kinda understanding, you know, what's going on when people would say it's an inside job. You know? You know, just those words alone, I would hear them. I would think it's an inside job. I was like, who got ripped off?

You know? That's the first thing I would learn. You know? That, the way people would use words that I would misconstrue them. It wouldn't be until I was around here a little while, that I would kinda understand what was going on.

By this point, I'm having an experience too, you know. One thing I learned about a thorough first step and and what I found also, as an experience of doing the steps is that if I did a step thoroughly, I had no problems with the next step coming up. The book says lack of power is our dilemma. We have to find a power by which we can live and that power has to be greater than ourselves. I had a a a a small problem with god in the second step, only because, my sponsor took me up right into that sentence and we agnostics that said, god either is or he isn't.

What is your choice to be? And they're in italics too, and I was also told that if there's italic words in there, that they're important. And he said go home and think about it for a week. Oh, man. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm not good at thinking about anything for a week.

I'm not good at thinking about it for 15 minutes as a matter of fact. But I would go home and I would look at both sides. You know? You know? And he would say that I could choose god as nothing and still move forward with these steps.

And that's the neat thing about the process and the way it's laid out because, you know, I get to have an experience no matter what my answers are as long as I continue to move forward and do the work that's, it's required for me to stay sober. It's suggested for some people. But in that week's time, I would look back and I would say, well, if god's no nobody, if god's nothing, then I'm running the show. And then I would look at my experience running the show, and I would see a couple of times where I'd man, I ran that show pretty well. But then I would see numerous, numerous of times where I was just a train wreck waiting to happen, And I wasn't very good at the choices.

And then I would look at if God's everything, that means I don't get to run the show. You know? And so it's ego and faith, ego and faith, and I'm gonna fight with that for a week. I finally decided that god was gonna be everything, you know, and I explained my my, my answer to my sponsor, and we moved on to step 3. Now step 3 is a decision, and it was explained to me that step 3, if I was to, stay in the process, might be the last decision I would ever have to make.

And I didn't understand what he was talking about at that time. But if I was gonna turn my life and my will, which are my thoughts and my actions, over to a power that's greater than me, then the will of that power is gonna become my will, then my decision making is coming from a higher plane. It's not coming from me. Now I've I've fought with that, and I've made decisions in sobriety based on self. And, of course, I've suffered from the consequences.

And not only have I suffered, people around me have suffered. You know? But making a decision, and and then being sent into the force step, I wanna say it's exciting. I did no writing up to this point. If the book told us to write, we wrote.

And it's and I'm not saying that this is the only way you can do it because it's not. People get sober a lot of different ways other than Alcoholics Anonymous, so we don't even have a monopoly on sobriety. But I'm only please understand. I'm only sharing my experience with the steps with you, and my experience is my experience. That's all it is.

When I would be in a 4 step and I would we would do a 4 column inventory, you know, and I'll kind of zip through this because I wanna get to the second sobriety. When we were going through the 4th step, and I completed the 4th step, of course, I did a 4 column resentment inventory, then I did a, fear inventory, then I did a sex inventory, and then I was directed to write a sound insane sexual ideal. If you're anything like me, there was never nothing sound insane in the life that you had come from. So I did not understand what sound insane was. And I still have that ideal and and, you know, a lot of the things in that ideal have come through for me, you know, 10 years later with a relapse in between.

You know what I mean? The neat thing about it is is that I would make amends on a lot of those, resentments in that 4th 4th step. You know? And and the neat thing about it was is that all of the resentments that I made amends on when I would come back to the rooms. Now I relapsed in my 7th year.

In the middle of my 9th step, working 101112 on a daily basis. It was also suggested or directed to me that if I was to do regular 10 steps, there would be no new no new need to write another 4 step. Makes sense to me. You know, if you don't allow wreckage to pile up, then, you know, you won't one day have to clean the closet. I wish I could do that perfectly.

I haven't been able to do that. And then I would make amends on a lot of criminal stuff. I would make amends. And I'll and I'll just give you a couple examples. I remember being in a night step and I this there was this little hamburger stand on the corner of Santa Monica and Virgil that we would pass by every day.

It was called j burgers. I don't know if it's still there. It was probably the best hamburger in Los Angeles. It never got big. Tommy's went down the hill after they started moving around, but they had the best hamburgers in town.

But they also had a 2 foot gap in the fence, and us kids could slide up under it and rip them off for chips and whatever they had, sodas and whatever. And we did that probably for 5 years as kids. And that and that and Jay Burgers came up on my inventory, and I would go back there and I I would make amends. And, I also wanna say that of all the amends that I made, only one amends was not, accepted. And, of course, I would continue to try to make that amends accepted and I would cause more harm.

You know, so but then years later, it would be taken care of. That's the neat thing about this thing. But I went in there and the guy who, that was the owner wasn't present. It was just a manager, and I took him out the bat. And I was directed when I make an amends to to to basically tell him, I'm in an anonymous program.

I need to come clean with you or I might drink again, and for me to drink is to die. And then I was to tell him the harm that I thought I caused, and then I was to pause. And I was to ask him, is there anything that I'm not clear on that you need to let me know that I haven't seen that I harmed you? You know? And then I was directed to make the best deal possible.

Well, at this point, I did this with the manager. You know, it's a very short process, a couple of minutes. I gave the guy my name and a number because the owner wasn't there, and, I left. And I left feeling a whole lot better than I did when I walked in there. And the reason that is is I was told that as as I continue to do my amends, that I would get a little bit more power.

Remember I talked about lack of power is our dilemma? Well, as I do these steps, I start to get a little bit more power for the next one, a little bit more power for the next one. And and as I, you know, when I made my list for my amends, I was told to put them on 3 by 5 cards, put a plus sign on the ones I was willing to make and a negative sign on the ones I wasn't willing to make and start with the plus signs. And I got through the easy stuff really quick and, you know, I was amazed at that point. And then when I made this criminal amends, and I walked away, it was my first criminal amends.

And I got to see firsthand that my fears, you know, were not facts. You know? Fears are not facts. And the reason that I know that is is because I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was sad, and I drank on them days I got up and I didn't feel at all. So I have to learn to be sober when I'm happy, sober when I'm sad, and sober on those kind of a days that I just don't feel anything at all.

So I know today that facts weren't feelings, and I got to experience, the the process of the night step, you know, firsthand. I would get a I would get a call a week later from the owner. It was called Jay Burgers and his name was Jay. Who would have known? And he was at a hamburger convention in, you know, Illinois.

I didn't even know they had hamburger conventions. And he continued to let me know how wonderful he thought this thing was and and just to continue to go forth and that the only way that I needed to pay him back was to continue doing what I was doing. And those are the kind of experiences I've had. I've had that numerous times. Now like I said, I would relapse.

And, I would and here's the sad thing about relapse is you never know how long you're gonna get to use if without first getting locked up or dying. You know, those are real around here, and I've experienced a lot of deaths in my family, as a result of this this disease. But I would relapse. I would get married in Alcoholics Anonymous. I would have a son in Alcoholics Anonymous who hasn't seen me loaded, but we would relapse together.

I would get arrested, go back to prison. She would get in a car accident and pass away while I was locked up at 29. So, you know, it it was drug and alcohol related. We know that for a fact. And I was in prison at the time and I got the call and I and I'll never ever forget the, you know, being summoned to the lieutenant office.

Because usually, if you're going to the lieutenant's office, you something happened bad at home or you got implicated in something. You know? And I knew it was bad news for me either way because they just don't call you to have coffee. And I remember him explaining to me the situation, what had happened, and and then right after he said, are you gonna act right or do we need to lock you up? You know?

I mean, without skipping a beat. And I said, all I need is to get a phone call to my family. And he said, he said, fine. We'll we'll arrange that. It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

I would get back to the dorm and they told me I could use the phone after the 9:30 count that evening. So I got to think about this. It just went on from 3 to 9:30. And I'm out on the yard and they got 3 buildings with with inmates in each building. Three dorms.

Big huge dorms and the yards in the middle. And I'm out on the yard and I'm walking with a guy. I don't even know who this guy is to this day. But I'm walking around with him and I'm cussing god and I'm cussing AA and I'm cussing everybody that I can cuss. And I remember the guy stopping right in front of me to make me stop from walking and he looked me in the eye and he said, Leroy, God has a plan for your life and whatever it is, you haven't accomplished it yet.

You know? And right at that moment, I sent some kind of ease, some kind of comfort. Because up until that point, I was running on self will and ego. You know? The stag that I'm a part of, we have a saying, your ego is not your amigo.

And we understand what that means today, you know? And like I said, I would do another 28 month, 26 months. I would be away from AA for 4 years. I only got to use about 6 months, and in 4 years, I would be locked up the other 3a half. You know?

Which kinda sucks. I would get a I would get those those 3a half years for, you know, what, $200, you know? So I, you know, it was like 50¢ a day, you know? I got a day for every 50¢ I stole, you know. Today, when I do the math, you know, I I understand it.

You know, in police work, that would be called a clue, you know. Okay. Let me remember where I was. Okay. I got out of the I got out of prison that second time with every intention to stay sober, but I was gonna do it my way.

I was armed with facts about myself. I had learned those in Alcoholics Anonymous. And within 90 days, I was back in prison on another 2 strike case. The funny thing is I was the 1st person sentenced under the 3 strikes law in LA County. The the law went into the effect in effect, like, on March 10th, and I took the deal on March 13th.

You know, so it was a 2 strike case, but it was the first. And let me tell you, I did every day of 80%. You know, And, you know, I cried and I stumbled about that whole process and then eventually found AA locked up. And it's funny because my brother was in the same prison, but he was on a different yard. And yard 1 and yard 2 are connected by the visiting room.

And, we would go to the AA meeting and have a family visit, while we were locked up, you know, and we would get to hang out. And I and like I said, I would get out, I would I would stay out 90 days and then I would get arrested again. And I would be looking. And listen, my first offense was very, very violent. It was a violent offense.

It wasn't anything other than me being under the influence and being in fear for my life. That's all all it was. It was not because I'm a badass or anything else. The second and third and all the crimes to follow would all be what we call petty. But because of that original one, I would always get treated to the max with the rest of them.

You know? So when I when I went back, I was in for about, I don't know, 8 months, and they were trying to give me another 26 months, you know, you know, 32 months with 80%. It comes out to, like, 26. And and the DA came in on my last court date and said, the evidence is missing. The burglary tool is missing.

They're willing to drop the strike and just give you a straight 16 months. You'll go home in a month. And I took that I took that as, you know, as a as a blessing. And, I didn't have any plans this time when I got out of prison, and I was scared to death because I function well when I'm locked up. If somebody tells me what time to get up, what time to go to sleep, what time to go play, what time to go to school, I work well under those situations when I can't run and get away from it.

You know? I don't use drugs or drink alcohol when I'm locked up. You know? The the amazing thing about that is Alcoholics Anonymous would teach me how to do that. So like I said and I'm almost out of time.

I don't know where the time goes. But I would get sober again. I would land in, in Van Nuys at my sister's house, and 2 days later, I would I found myself in the Salvation Army at Van Nuys here. And I've been sober, ever since I walked in, actually about 5 months of prison time and the day I walked into the Salvation Army. And it was funny.

This is a this is a story that's still kinda kinda, you know, I get a little giggle out of is I know you guys were watching me when I got back here. And, my sponsor at the time told me if I could match my prison time clean with my outside time clean that, I mean, sober, that I could count it. So I know you guys saw me take a 30 30 day chip, a 60 day chip, a 90 day chip, and then I took a year. And the reason why I know you guys are watching me is because a number of you came up to me and let me know that either I couldn't count or there had to be a good explanation. And that's why I love these rooms.

I'll close with this. This is something I learned when I was in the Salvation Army, and I repeat it only because if I don't repeat things and keep them fresh, I forget them. They're they're my 4 r's. They're the things I do on a daily basis that helps me to stay sober. The first r is remember.

I need to remember where I come from. I forgot my last drink one time and I took my next one. The day that I took that drink, it was no different than any other day. You know, you know, I need to remember my last hit and I do. I I need to remember my last pill, you know, and I do.

You know, I need to remember where I come from. You know, sometimes sobriety gets really, really, really good and I kinda forget where I come from. And I kinda start to forget about you people. But I'm so active now in hospitals and institutions, and other service areas of Alcoholics Anonymous that when I run, they seem to always pop up and smack me right back in the, you know, into shape, you know, so that I can get through the next day that I know that's coming. And I love that too about the program.

The second r is repetition. The things I did yesterday to stay sober, I do them today. Sometimes I'm faced with new things, different things, things that I've never been through. I had mentioned that stag that I go to where we say the ego is not your amigo. We even have bumper stickers.

Thank you very much. And those guys have taught are taught to share their experience with me. If I call them with a problem, they don't give me their opinion. If they don't have the experience with what I'm calling them about, they direct me to somebody or have somebody call me who has been through what I'm what I'm going through. And I love them for that.

Now don't get me wrong. If you're there like I am before the meeting and you stay after the meeting, you get to hear about their opinions. But when it comes to sobriety, we share our experience. Repetition. The the third r is redemption.

I'm an ex convict three times. You know, I was brought up being told that I was dirty white trash, you know. You, you know, you come from an interracial had my self esteem suffer. I was taught that if I had my self esteem suffer. I was taught that if I learn to crush my ego that I would have some self esteem.

When I came into the rooms, I thought my name was a defendant, you know, because I didn't know anything else, you know. But today, I'm dependable. I've been to prison for forgery. You know, that's writing bad checks. Today, I get paid for the accounts payable for the company I work for.

So I get paid to write checks. So what that tells me is the book is true once again where it says my deepest, darkest liabilities will become my assets. It's in the book. And the last star and the most important for all you new people that that stood up and, you know, and and for those of you who are new that didn't stand up, please hear this if you haven't heard anything else. The last star is rejoice, and rejoice simply means joy.

Sobriety has to be fun. There has to be fun in sobriety. I did not come to Alcoholics Anonymous to be miserable. I walked into these rooms very miserable. You guys taught me how to live, and today I experience joy on a regular basis.

And I'm talking about joy that bring in my heart from things that I do away from Alcoholics Anonymous, which are a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous. I started fishing in early sobriety. And when I would get on that boat and go out in the middle of the ocean for 8 hours on Saturday morning, and then I would drive back, I would get off that boat, and everybody seemed to mellow out a little bit. You know, the bottom line is they never changed. It was my perception.

Later on, and a lot of you know me, I'm a big NASCAR guy now. I go out to the racetrack, I'd sit in the stands, and there'd be 30 cars going in a circle and the the sound was so loud, I couldn't hear myself think. That's a good place for me to be. And I would see the people I'm with's lips moving and I wouldn't even have to answer. Can't get in trouble that way.

So you guys have given me a life that I'm just truly grateful. Once again, Lorraine, thank you for allowing me to come out and share my experience with you. And if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, just stay. Don't keep coming back. Thanks.