The 2006 Saskatchewan Al-Anon Adult Children Festival in Saskatoon

In beautiful city of Saskatoon, I don't even know the smell of something dead outside. About my boat. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Got that cleared up. Okay. I love Al Anon. Al Anon is my life. Without Al Anon, I would have no life.

And I guess even if I had a life, it would be it wouldn't be a life. Does that make sense? I am not an adult child of alcoholics. I was raised in a home where there was really no alcohol of any kind. Well, I guess, you know, my dad had the odd glass of whiskey with, you know, like Christmastime or something like that.

But, there was certainly no, nobody ever got drunk in my home. And I had an awesome childhood, and, I'm so grateful for that. I wasn't for many years. I took it for granted. And having now been in Al Anon for some 14 years, I believe, and, having shared the lives of so many people who grew up in alcoholic homes, I have come to have a great appreciation for my childhood and my parents.

My mom and dad were married for 62 years. My dad actually passed away just just about a month ago. And, they had an awesome marriage, and they were an awesome example to me of a functional relationship. In Al Anon? In Al Anon?

Well oh, I guess, what I have to say about myself, first off, is that I'm a rebel. And I was a rebel right from, I think, probably the moment I I breathed air. I was the youngest of 3. I had 2 older sisters. And, I was as unlike them as anyone could possibly be.

They were girly girls, and they were good girls, and they were studious. And they like to do girly things, like play with dolls and do needlework and play the piano and things like that. And I like to climb trees and ride bikes and make tree houses and things like that, build stuff with my dad. I love to build things with my dad. And I was not a typical little girl, and I rebelled in every possible way, in everything I could do.

And, as a teenager, I I continued that rebellion. And, as much as I love my parents, I think I think the one thing we know as teenagers is that we don't want to be our parents. We don't know who we are, but we know we don't wanna be our parents. And I think that's typical of all teenagers no matter what your home background is. You just know you don't wanna be your parents.

My parents were, you know, a little boring, really, frankly, you know, compared to a lot of other parents out there who partied and, you know, did fun things. And so I, you know, looked around for a bad boy, and I found me 1. Oh, yes. Did I ever. And he was so exciting.

Oh my goodness. And his family were exciting. They did exciting things. You know, they drank, and they partied, and they fought, and they carried on. And, wow, it was just it was just breathtaking.

I had an opportunity in high school to, you know, get involved with with the the nerd, you know, the one that would have treated you like a lady, would have taken care of you, would have, you know, done anything he could have done, bent over backwards to fulfill your wishes and, you know, treat you like a princess. I had that opportunity, but I'm asked to buy. No. No. No.

I'm either bad boy. Well, I married my bad boy when I was about 19 years old. And, you know, I've asked myself over the years many times, why did I do that? Well, I think there's really only one answer to that. I loved him.

Simple as that. I loved him. I didn't love his behavior, but I loved him. But it took me many, many years to separate that out, what was the behavior and what was him. I certainly didn't do it prior to getting into.

We had 2 kids, boys, who are, of course, now grown men. And, one of them is married and has, given me a wonderful little grandson who I think is the most delightful little child in the world. I believe grandchildren are the reward for not killing your children. They're the best thing in the world. I love my grandson.

It took me 3 tries before I really got it and stayed with Al Anon. The first time I went to Al Anon, my husband had actually taken a stab at quitting drinking when I think our our oldest son was about 2. He had lost his driver's license and was getting it back and thought maybe he might have a drinking problem. Maybe she went AA. And so I thought I should join the auxiliary and, at his suggestion, went to an Al Anon meeting.

And there were I think there were probably about, I don't know, maybe 10 or 12 people there. It was in a fairly small town where we lived, and, you know, they were laughing at the most inappropriate things, I felt, you know, stuff that wasn't funny, stuff that was really quite tragic, and they were laughing. And they were laughing. And they were laughing. And they were laughing.

And they were laughing. And they were laughing. And they were laughing. And they were laughing. And they were laughing.

And they were stuff that wasn't funny, stuff that was really quite tragic, and they were laughing. And there were people there crying openly in front of other people, if you can imagine. I thought, wow. How weak are you? Man, don't you know you're supposed to stuff your feelings in there, not share them in front of other people?

Man, you people. So, I went to one meeting, and 3 or 4 days later, my husband went and got drunk. And my very first thought was, at least I don't have to go back there. I was I was so relieved. I was so relieved.

Fast forward about 5 years, I think it was, and I went to my 2nd Al Anon meeting. This time, not because he had quit drinking, but because I had a friend actually who had been in Al Anon, and I kinda liked some of the things changes that were going on with her. And I kinda saw some, you know, some problems in myself and in my own personality that I thought might, you know, might need addressing, maybe. And, so I went to another Al Anon meeting, and I don't remember anything really particular that anyone said in that meeting. But I, do remember identifying with everything that was said in the meeting, and feeling that I belonged there and hating that I belonged there, that I was so weak and so stupid that I couldn't figure it out for myself, and I had come to some place like this.

And I could feel myself through the meeting. I could feel that I was gonna cry, and I didn't wanna make a scene. I didn't wanna get up and leave in the middle of the meeting. So I, you know, I was trying my very best to sit through this meeting. And as the meeting was over, there was ladies coming, and they were talking to me, and they were giving me pamphlets, and they were giving me books.

And I just wanted to get out of there so bad because I didn't wanna cry in front of anybody. And I finally made it out of there. I took this book and this bookmark and a few things that they gave me. And I got I made it to my car, and I sat there, and I just bawled, probably for an hour. I couldn't even move my car.

I just sat there and cried and cried and cried and cried. And I knew that that know, curling or something. And so that was my excuse, so I didn't have to go back. Don't know, curling or something. And so that was my excuse.

I didn't have to go back to Avalon. So I just but one thing I took from that meeting, I I have the little book, the one day at a time book, and I had a bookmark with the serenity prayer on it and a couple of other little pieces of literature. And I thought, well, you know what? We don't need to go back to meetings because I have these books and I have this stuff, so I can, you know, figure this out on my own. Why not?

I should be able to do that. And I guess the thing that probably I used more than anything was the serenity prayer. It was kind of my mantra. I would just repeat it over and over and over. And I really think the only part that ever sunk in was the first phrase, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, because to me, that was everything.

I couldn't change anything. My life was just going to continue in this horrible way, you know, with my husband drinking every night and, you know, me being miserable and our kids misbehaving. And all this stuff was just gonna continue forever, and there was nothing that I could do about it. I was you know, I just pretty much gave up. But, you know, I thought with this prayer, I can actually be okay with that.

I can be serene. And I guess at that time, I thought serene meant not feeling anything. Yeah. I really I really do believe that that, you know, if you just didn't feel anything, you'd be okay. I really wanted to not feel anything.

I wanted to not feel the anger, and I wanted to not feel the hurt and the rejection sadness. I didn't wanna feel that. I felt it too much, and I want to stop feeling. And I did that. You know?

I just systematically shut down. The unfortunate part about that is that when you shut down anger and hurt and sadness and all these negative feelings, you also shut down joy. And you shut down love, and you shut down excitement and passion. And I just you know, on an emotional EEG, I would have been flatlined. There would have been nothing there for about 10 years, just a flat line.

There are so many things about those 10 years that I don't remember. If it weren't for pictures, and memoirs of events that happened in those 10 years, I would really virtually have nothing. I was so flatlined. I was so serene. I was virtually brain dead.

There was nothing left of me. There was no personality. There was nothing. I functioned. I was a mother.

I went to work every day. I functioned in my job. And, actually, that was the one area where I actually felt some sense of accomplishment or, worth within my job. I didn't feel worthy as a wife. I didn't feel worthy as a mother.

I didn't feel worthy as a daughter or a sister because I had so isolated myself from my family. I know I, you know, I would be with them, but I wasn't with them. I I didn't let them in on anything that was going in on on in my life. I kinda pretended with them that, you know, everything was just fine. And on the outside, we looked pretty good.

You know, our house was clean and the kids were well dressed, and we drove nice cars and, you know, we had nice clothes and things like that. We looked pretty good, really, You know, I thought, anyway, to the outside world. That was pretty important to me that we look good. But, of course, we weren't good. We weren't good at all.

Fortunately for me, a sister-in-law of of mine and, brother and brother-in-law and sister-in-law moved, to the town where we were living, and she was an Al Anon member. And, she would talk about you know, and her her husband was an active alcoholic, active drinker as well. And, you know, she would talk about what a difference Elena made in her life. And, you know, I thought, well, what have I got to lose sight? I guess there were 3 3 events that kind of happened all at one time that sort of, pushed me over the edge add toward Al Anon.

And, one of them was that my 39th birthday was coming up. Or not no. It's gonna be my 30 yeah. My 39th birthday is coming up. And that was, like, so close to being 40.

Like, oh my god. 39. And our 20th anniversary was coming up, and my husband had asked me how you know, what did I wanna do to celebrate our 20th anniversary? And I I just thought, oh my god. Why would you wanna celebrate this?

What's to celebrate? You know, like, it just it was so depressing, and it was so sad. And I can remember, actually going to purchase a Valentine card for my husband. And, because I did that every year because, you know, that's, you know, you do that. You make you make things look right.

You know? And I went and I was buying this Valentine card. And I wanted to buy Valentine card that I actually meant. You know? It wasn't a lie, you know, but that, you know, was not nasty.

They don't make them. I couldn't find 1. I could not find one card that was just like, yeah. I'm right. Yeah.

Well, another year. Happy. You know? Like, they were all they're all this mushy love stuff, and I'm like, oh my god. This just isn't this just isn't right.

And I actually started crying in the card store because I couldn't find a card that would describe our relationship. It's just so sad. It's so sad. I don't remember if I actually called 1 or not. But, anyway, it's probably, like, one of those little generic b mind that was I don't know.

So there was that, and then there was a, a person that I a good friend of mine, kind of the probably the only person that I hadn't completely shut out of my life at that point, who told me that he was in love with me. And it was the most devastating thing that I have ever heard in my life. I was absolutely devastated by that knowledge. It just it threw me right over the edge. It it forced me to feel feelings that I had not felt for 10 years, and it wasn't pretty.

It was not pretty. All these feelings were just coming out of me, and mostly, uppermost, I guess, was rage. Just rage, not at anybody, but myself for putting up with this, for not making a change, for sitting in this relationship, and not doing something to to make my life better and to make my kids' lives better. So with all of those things, I I went to Al Anon. And this time when I went in the room, I, you know, it was like coming in from the cold and just being wrapped in this lovely warm blanket.

That's what it felt like that first meeting that I went to. I felt I knew I belonged, and this time, I was glad I belonged. I was I was accepted that I belonged, that I needed help. That was probably the first time in my life that I actually accepted that I needed help, and it was good. It was really good.

You know, I got a sponsor right away. I got involved in service work right away. I started working at steps right away. It was it was awesome. And I would love to say, you know, that my my home life just got a 100% better.

And, you know, my husband went to AA and and all this stuff, but that's not what happened at all. My life got worse, way worse for a while. My kids really rebelled against the fact that I was no longer doing the dysfunctional things, like, you know, buying them everything in sight. And, and my husband, of course, when he got wind of the fact that I was going to Al Anon, was extremely upset about that. And there was, you know, some some scenes there.

Throughout our marriage, one of the one of the themes, I guess, you know, I would, you know, get fed up and I would say, you know, like, I'm leaving. And he would say, well, then I'm gonna kill myself. And, you know, that always had the immediate result of pulling me right back in line because nothing could possibly be worse. I had actually had a girlfriend as a child whose, whose mother had, committed suicide, and I knew how devastating that was for her. And I just really felt that there could be nothing.

There could be nothing in the world that could be worse than, than suicide. So, you know, throughout the years, that, that threat and it was that was all it took was just a threat. And there were, there were a couple of attempts, through the years, but I I really I really think they were quite half hearted. They weren't they weren't serious attempts. They were more attention things than anything.

Anyway, after I got into Alan, I think I've been now alone for about 3 years. And, my husband had, taken a couple of steps at AA and, was, you know, was trying. I I believe sincerely was trying and and not succeeding, very, very well. And, and and the end result was that he actually did, end up killing himself. And that was that was that was pretty devastating.

However, it wasn't what I thought it would be. It was different than I thought it would be. It was it was horrifying. It was, you know, I'm I'm really, I guess, grateful, I guess, that my that my kids didn't find him. That was kind of always my worst nightmare was that the kids would come home from school or something and find him.

And and I'm the one that found him, so I was glad for that that that this hadn't been them. Anyway, Al Anon got me through that. Al Anon, again, wrapped that warm blanket around me and surrounded me with with good people, with caring people, with love. And by then, I had enough program to kinda know that it wasn't my fault. I know that if that had happened before I got into Avalon, I would have completely blamed myself.

It would have been my fault. But I knew by then that I didn't pause it, and I and I couldn't hear it. And I had shortly before that time, I had been working the the steps of Al Anon. And shortly before that time, I had actually taken the 3rd step and really, you know, meant it. I had made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of god, and I had made a decision to turn him over to the care of god even knowing what that could mean.

He was very, very a very troubled person. And, you know, I knew that as as awful as that was, I knew that he was at peace. And I was glad for that because he, you know, as much as he had made, you know, things difficult in our lives, I loved him. And, it's not easy to watch somebody suffering that much that they would do that to themselves. So, anyway, I continued in Al Anon and, worked the steps.

My kids actually got some counseling. They were, 15 and 18 no. 15 and 20, I guess, at the time. So one was actually already away from home. But, they both actually, went with me to, you know, to some counselors, and, and that was a good thing.

They I think it helped them. It certainly helped me. Oh gosh. Steps. The third step says that we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the cure of god as we understood him.

That was the really challenging part, that last phrase. That was the most challenging part for me. As we understood him, that mean that meant I had to actually understand god. Wow. That was a big one.

That was how I looked at it anyway at that time, and I did not understand God. I was very angry at God. I had, you know, been praying to god for very many years to, you know, to heal our family and to, you know, to help my husband and to make him quit drinking and make him do this and make him do that. And, you know, he hadn't done that. And I I know I had never stopped believing in god because I was angry at god, and you can't be angry at somebody that you don't believe exists.

So I know I never actually stopped believing in god. But, I didn't understand god. That was for sure. Excuse me. With the help of my sponsor, I started you know, continued on the steps.

And, you know, like, she told she indicated to me that, you know, I really didn't have to define god yet. I just had to believe that there was something there, as step 2 says, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves, and I didn't yet have to define that power. So we moved on with, you know, the the inventory and the and the, step 5 and the amends. That was a that was really hard. For me, the the hardest amends I had to make were to the people I felt had wronged me the most, and that would have been that was my mother-in-law and father-in-law because, of course, they were both alcoholics, and if it hadn't been for them, you know, my husband went and turned out, so like he did.

And so I was all I was always really angry at them, and I was very angry at their behavior. And I guess if I think about the relationship of an adult child to, you know, like, the relationship with an alcoholic parent, that would be as close as as I can come to an understanding of, you know, having an alcoholic parent because I really like, I was very young when I got married. I was only 19, and the relationship that I had with my mother-in-law was extremely dysfunctional. And there was not a lot of love lost between the 2 of us. And it really when I look back on it now, it was that we both we both, felt inadequate in each other's presence, I think, is is probably the best way that I could put it.

She she always thought that she wasn't good enough because, you know, I came from a family where there's no drinking and so on and so forth. And I always felt that I wasn't good enough for her. Nothing I did was good enough for her. So it was a very dysfunctional, relationship, and I am happy to say that I was able, finally, to make my amends to her, just shortly before she died. So I was really happy about that.

I I always felt that I'd never really been able to make my amends to John, to my husband, before he died, or at least I hadn't done a formal amends. I had certainly changed my behavior toward him and my attitude, and I wasn't, I didn't I no longer treated him like a naughty child as I had done for so much of our marriage. So I I guess I did make amends, but not the formal kind of amends where you sit down with a person and you say, hey. You know, I've done you wrong, and and I'd like you to forgive me. So the fact that I was able to do it with his mother was helpful to me.

I never did make amends to my father-in-law. I I just never could forgive him for some of the things that he had done to me. And, you know, I I I have now forgiven it. I have now I do now have an understanding of where he came from and how how his behavior wasn't simply a reflection of what he was taught. I I understand that now.

I didn't then, and I never did make amends to him. Step 10 talks about continuing to take personal inventory. And, I think that that's a really important thing for me, and I and I slip in it sometimes. And it, it relates, I guess, to how I'm feeling about myself. If I'm feeling good about myself, I don't mind taking inventory.

You know? Because it's good stuff. Right? But when I'm feeling like I haven't really done very well, I have a hard time doing that, so that daily inventory. About, about, 3 months after my husband died, I, was at an AA function Halloween party, actually, dressed as Cleopatra, if you can imagine.

Isn't that isn't that a a mental image? Like, just and a friend of mine had actually encouraged me to go out to this function, because she thought it would be good for me to get out and and do something. And, so I had to go on. And and there were a lot of, how can I put this, AA vultures there? And, I spent most of the night running, you know, away, like, moving moving from table to table.

Only because these guys would sit down, and they'd wanna you know? Well, you know, to to be fair, I think a lot of them just wanted to share stuff about my husband because they had you know, he had been in recovery a little bit, but it felt to me like they were, you know, circling. So so as I say, I kept moving. And I finally moved and sat with my sponsor and her husband. I thought, okay.

I'll be safe here. Little did I know that, they had a friend staying with them from out of town. And, we got into a conversation, I went for coffee after the dance was over. And this guy thought that maybe a relationship would be a a good thing. And I'm like, are you kidding me?

Like, you know, I'm I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship. Like, you know, god wouldn't put the right person in my life in the wrong time, so you can't be the right person. So go away. And and he did briefly, but he kept coming back. And he kept coming back, and he kept following me.

And he was very, very persistent and kept hanging around. He'd come back and he'd fall. Oh my god. He had been in AA for, I think, at that time, about 18 years. Well, I'm really glad he was persistent because he, he turned out was my soulmate.

And, we, we spent, well, we moved in together, I think after about a year, after me trying to get rid of him and him coming back. Okay. Me trying to get rid of him and him coming back. It took about a year. We finally moved in together.

And, you know, it it was great. It really was. We had a we had a really good functional relationship, which, wow, that was you know, I had seen it in my parents, but I I couldn't quite believe that I was actually capable of that. And, of course, that was only because of Al Anon. I I really believe that the right relationship is not really so much a matter of finding the right person as it is of being the right person.

And, because we were both working our steps and, actually, at that point, we were both really seriously working on our 11th step. So through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god. And that's where we both were, and that's where we met, and that's what we did together. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god. And that was kind of the foundation of our relationship, and it it was a really, really good I mean, there are some broad matches, of course, there are with any relationship, especially because I still had, one teenager at home.

I'm kind of a source of a few little misunderstandings. I still wanted to enable him to, do all kinds of things. And this guy just insisted that I not do that. I don't know why, but, anyway, I'm so grateful for that. I'm so grateful for him showing me how to detach from my sons and allow them to make their own mistakes.

He he actually once asked me, why are you stealing from your kids? And I said, what are you talking about? Well, he said, you're robbing them of so many opportunities to learn. He said, you're stealing from those kids. You're taking away the very thing they need to grow.

He had actually got into AA himself when he was 23, and he, in them, recognized himself. And the thing that helped him most was his parents pretty much disowning him at that point. So he knew what worked and what didn't work, and I'm so grateful for that. That. As a result of that, I now, today, have really good relationship with both my sons.

My younger son still struggles, and it's still, as my mother would put it, looking for himself. I think he's looking in all the wrong places. Mhmm. But that's okay. As my Marty would have said, he's working on his story.

And someday, hopefully, with the grace of God, he'll be in a room like this. And whether that's through the AAD program or through the Illinois and Adult Children Program, either of which I'm sure could probably be beneficial, That's his story, and that's that's up to him. I just love him. When I'm with him, I show him how much I love him and how perfect I think he is and how much I think he's capable of. And that's all I can do.

And I can be an example of how a person can change their life. 3 years ago, my partner died of cancer, and that was really hard. It's especially hard to lose your soulmate. It's hard at any time to lose your partner, but when he's your soulmate, it's really hard. And it took me about a year of just going around feeling like part of me had been ripped away and really wishing that maybe I could join them.

And it was Alan on. That caught me through the time. It was the other step that they're continuing to seek through current meditation, conscious contact with god that sees me through today. You know, someday, I I believe I will be face to face with my higher power, and I am gonna have a lot of questions. I have a list a long list of questions that I'm gonna have.

But because I wanna live a happy life and because I don't want my life to be cluttered with bitterness and resentment and anger, I am giving god the benefit of the doubt for now. I believe there is a reason even though I don't know it today. And so I have let him go. I know he's in a better place, and I believe someday I will be there too. So now I look forward to that reunion.

I had to say goodbye to my dad a month ago, and that was really hard. Seems like I lose all the men in my life. I guess that happens. One of the requests that my dad made was that I see the eulogy at his funeral. And I man, when I heard that, I was that was that was very heart wrenching for me.

I didn't know if I could do that, But I wanted to do it because he was my dad and because I loved him so much and because he was such a guy. And so I did. And and it was okay. It was brief. It was hard to say goodbye.

It's hard now to watch my mom, you know, after 62 years of marriage on her own. She's very lost, and she's very confused. Al Anon is my life. Al Anon will be my life as long as I live. I can't get along without Al Anon.

I can't get along without my homies over here, my traveling niece. I love him more than I can possibly describe. Now some people describe recovery as peeling an onion, and that's a good analogy. I think that's very true. There are layers to us that we need to to, peel away, but I actually prefer the analogy of a diamond in the rough.

I think inside each and every one of us is a perfect, clear, beautiful diamond. We were created perfectly and beautifully, and that perfection cannot be offered. It can only be covered up by crud. That's what's on the diamond. It's black crud.

Have you ever seen a diamond in the room? It's really quite ugly. It's just crusty and black and horrible, just like I felt before I came to Al Anon. And the way that they polish diamonds is that they put them in a big barrel, and they tumble them, and they rub against one another, and they actually polish each other. And I believe that's what we're doing here in this room and in the other rooms of our of our meetings and in life.

I think sometimes we rub each other the wrong way. Very often, that happens. But that doesn't alter the process. We're still polishing each other even when we're rubbing each other the wrong way. I've learned a few things in my time here, in Al Anon.

I've learned about love, and I think I finally learned about serenity, where I once believed that serenity meant not feeling. Today, I believe serenity means full feeling, feeling everything, feeling the hurt, feeling the joy, feeling the anger, feeling the passion, feeling the love, all of it, and going with it, whatever it is, wherever we are in our day, in our in our week, in our life, in our wherever we are, there's a reason for it. There is going to be an answer someday. I really believe that. Someday, we're gonna know why or maybe someday we just won't care that idea too.

I don't know. I have a great deal of faith that it will all work out, that there is a plan, that there is a master. And, although we can only need to get one little piece of the puzzle, and we don't even know what the picture is a lot of the time. I would say that there is a picture, and then it's a beautiful picture. And every single one of you is a piece of that puzzle, and I thank you for being part of my