The Salem Soberfest in Salem, OR

Thank you. My name is Kelvin Daniels. I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. Sober day to the grace of God.

Merrill Kebals alcoholics anonymous. Fantastic sponsorship. I've been sober since October 10, 1996. And for that, I'm truly grateful. And, I wanna say first off, I I really wanna thank, thank the committee for having me come here, tonight.

It's an honor and privilege. Whenever I'm asked to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, and and, I've been getting teased for about 3 weeks because back in Fargo, we call Oregon, Oregon. And I get a text message, I'm on the way here and my It's one of my buddies, Chad, and he says, make sure you say Oregon correctly so they don't laugh at you. And, so I'm sitting in the car going, organ, organ, organ, organ. And, just making sure that I got that right because I don't wanna sound like I'm not from here.

I wanna be accepted and loved everywhere I go. And, and I really wanna thank Richard and and, and the committee. It's been wonderful. And my host, Mike, is is amazing. I mean, I I get a chance to go and talk in AA and be of service and I love that.

And and, Mike, Mike should teach like a hosting clinic. I mean, if you ever wanna do a little side work, man, I mean, you can just go around and be like, this is how you treat people. Because it's been warm and friendly and and full of love and and, I'm I'm just really excited to be here. And yes, there was the this is a heat wave. We had a cold snap go through.

It's been about 20 below in Fargo for about the last 2 weeks. And it was 7 above when I, when I drove when I drove to the airport this morning. And I get off the plane, and this is like Bermuda. I mean, it's like I haven't had a coat on, you know. And some of the guys that drove up from Fargo, they were in shorts.

And, it's it's it's really nice and I gotta tell you this story about that real quick. We're at we're at our, my home group's on Tuesday night. And at the meeting after the meeting, we go to coffee. And we're sitting there at coffee take a message. I'll be I'll get that later.

I'm at Coffey, and, and one of the guys, I won't say who he is, but he just read the traditions. He just lost his job. And, and, one of the other guys is brand new. Just moved into town. And, he goes, why don't we just drive to Oregon?

And I'm like, okay. You know? And so people say, it's so wonderful that they're that they came here to hear you talk. And I'm like, they can hear me talk anytime. They came to go to the ocean, you know?

And, and because it's like 60 here, that's why they're here. And, that's the reason that's the reason why, that's the reason why they're here. Book tells me I'm supposed to share in a general way what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today. And, it's it's kind of a funny thing for me, because as I as I think about how I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, and and about alcoholism as a disease that it is, I'm a I'm a kid that's been irritable, restless and discontent my whole life. I didn't have those words to describe the feelings that I had growing up, but I had those feelings.

I'm the type of kid that no matter what happens, it's not good enough for me. I'm the guy that raises the bar to the point where you cannot perform at the level that I need you to. And so you gotta go. I'm that guy. I'm born and raised that way.

I had symptoms of alcoholism well before I ever took a drink. And I had an identity crisis growing up, and it was kind of a funny deal. May not you may not have noticed this, but I'm a little darker skinned than the rest of the crowd, except for Mike. Hey. How you doing?

But, but, it it was a funny thing for me growing up because I didn't know what I was because my mom is white and my dad's black. And so I'm sitting there checking other on these little tests in school because I didn't know what the hell I was. And, you know, and and I'm having this problem. And people say, well, what are you? People ask me if I'm Samoan.

And I think that's because I'm fat and it makes me mad when they say that. So, you know, no I'm not Samoan. That's the first thing. But it's if if you can kind of just get a mental picture, if you get a the true context of what I am, it's a viking ship with twenties on it and fried chicken, you know. I mean, it that kind of a deal.

It's my name would be like Tyrone Ole, you know. I mean that's that That's kinda who I I am. And, and I grew up having this feeling of indifference and and I'm the guy that's had a hole in his gut his whole life. The kind of hole that when you look at me, you don't look at a guy like me, you look through me. And the kind of hole that when the wind blows, it feels like it comes out of my back.

And I know that there's a piece of me missing somehow, somewhere, I just can't put my finger on what the heck it is. So I go through life feeling disconnected from. And I remember feeling that way from the entire time I was growing up. And I just I have this this feeling that comes over me and and and and I love the way Clancey said it, that I'm a I'm a feeler. I seem to feel things more intensely than other people.

And when that happened And I I've gotta share the story. Valentine's Day was just earlier this week and and and AA is a healing program. And when I was in 6th grade, my teacher said, nobody has to give a Valentine's Day to anybody that doesn't want to. So I'm sitting there, and I'm thinking about it. And I I don't know about you, but I had resentments in 6th grade.

I'm a good alcoholic. So I'm sitting there. I'm like, I'm not giving one to Jenny, and I'm not giving one to Steve, and, oh, not giving one to the teacher because I hate mister Nelson, you know. And I'm And my mom looks at me and she says, but Kelvin, how would you feel if nobody gave you a valentine? Let me tell you how that feels.

We had a we had a big deal where we had to to decorate all of our Valentine's boxes. It was a big deal, you know, and and during that time, GI Joe's were real big when I was a kid. So my I had like, g I Joe's, my Valentine's box. I love you Valentine. You know, like shooting people and stabbing and and stuff like that, and that was my Valentine's box.

And the teacher goes, alright. Go. So I'm going around and I'm putting these Valentine's in and so these people know how lucky they really are. I made one for everyone. And I get back to my box, and I pick it up, and it's a little light.

Tear the top off. I didn't get one. Not even from the teacher. And and I told that story, and I was talking in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I told that story, and it was And I think it was, like November when I told the story, or January.

And here on December or on February 14th that year, there's a FedEx package in my door, and it is full of AA Valentine's. I mean, it is I mean, just chock full of these things. I mean, people's kids were writing them. I mean, there's a paw print on one, I'm pretty sure. I mean, it was just It was amazing, you know.

And I'm the guy that feels that stuff. Because what my real my real deal is, is my big secret is, is I'm really not enough. My big secret is, is that, is that I don't know how to come out and play. And I got a chance to come out and play when I was about 12 or 13 years old, because I got a chance to drink for the first time. And and I shouldn't say for the first time, but for the first time to get the true effect.

The effect that happens within me, when I get the right amount of juice on board. And at that point in time, I knew how to connect. I knew how to come out and play. I knew how to I knew how to look you in the eye and not be afraid anymore because damn it, I'm here now. Because I got it on.

It's go. It's go time. It's it the theme music comes in slowly in the background, and then all of a sudden you hear, it's time to go. And then boom, I arrive. And I love the way Bill Wilson said it.

I arrived. And I I just get this feeling that I talk about booze like that, and I kinda get jittery. I'm like, oh, it was fun, you know. Because at the beginning, it was for me. In the beginning when I got the chance to drink, it was the thing that in my case probably prevented a teenage suicide, because I am a feeler by my nature.

And and when you're irritable and restless and discontent like that, and you get a chance to have some type of solution that comes into you, it is the thing that you wanna do forever and ever and ever. So I went through and, and started to drink, and I'm I'm a guy who fell in love with drinking. I really consider drinking to be my first spiritual experience, and I I don't say that in jest. I mean that, because for me, drinking was the thing that brings the light on, and what I found out after coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was that I have really have 2 pieces that are wrong with me. I I have the phenomenon of craving that develops when I take a drink.

When I take a drink of alcohol, the magic happens. The switch flicks on, and I know that I need to get more, but I don't know if I'm gonna have 1 more, or if I'm gonna have a 100 more. For a guy like me, 1 is too many and a 1,000 is not enough. So if that's my only problem, if that's my only problem drinking, then I would be one of those people that were just a heavy drinker. Once you clean up my act, I would be fine.

Once you remove me and I get out of detox or jail or some lockdown facility, I would be okay. Because for a guy like me, I started suffering consequences very early for my drinking. I'm the type of person that my mom looked at me and and said, well, I'll get to that in a second. I'm the kind of person that has wonderful intentions. If if you judge me on my intentions, I could I could be the pope.

I'm not even Catholic. You know? I would be Kelvin the first, you know. I mean, I would be like Calvin Paul or something. I mean, by my intentions, I am just wonderful.

But it's my actions that come in and screw everything up. And it's it's that it's that thing, because I never once woke up in the morning, never one time that I wake up in the morning and said, you know, tonight I want my mom to look at me and say she's the same shame she ever gave birth to me. I wasn't a guy who ever said that. I never once woke up in the morning and said, you know, tonight when I tonight when when I when I wake up, I wanna be in jail because I'm really sick of food and my own good food and my own clothes, you know. I I never said that.

I never once woke up in the morning and said, you know, tomorrow when I wake up, I'm gonna be covered in blood that's not mine and not remember where I've been. I never once said any of those things. Those are all things that happen to me though, because I don't go out with the intention for anything like that to happen. I don't go with the intention to have any of the malady that happens within me when I start to drink, start to create, enroll and just start picking up speed. That is not my intention when I pick up a drink.

My intention is to have a little fun. My intention is to make this hole that's in my gut close-up for a little bit, so I can look you in the eye and not have to be afraid. Now I'm one of those guys that's, that's a very fearful person, and because I'm a fearful person, I figure there's only a couple things to do when you're afraid like me. You can either hide in a hole or beat people up. And hiding in a hole seemed kind of boring, so I I tried the second one.

And as a result of that, I'm a guy who's been in over 250 street fights. I did that. I've seen things done to God's kids and done things to God's kids nobody's ever supposed to see or do, but I never had that intention. I never meant to do that. I never I never meant to to hurt people, but that's that's who I that's who and what I become when I start to drink.

So I go through I go through school, and and I'm I'm a guy who did really well in sports, and I had I had scholarship offers all across the United States. Not in Oregon, or maybe I'd ended up here. But, I had scholarship offers all across the United States, and and I got I got this opportunity to stay to to go to the Air Force Academy. And I get flown out by the government, and I'm and I visit this campus in Colorado Springs. This place is gorgeous.

And and they say, all you gotta do is get 2 points higher in your math section. You're in. You know? You're in. And I'm like, alright.

I'm gonna go do this. I don't know what you start to click through in your mind, but that's a lot of pressure. I don't know how you handle pressure, but me, I have a couple drinks because I I need to study. Right? So I'm gonna have a couple drinks, and everything's gonna be okay for a little bit.

And when I have a couple of drinks, that turns into 5:30 in the morning for me. My test was at 7:30. I failed. I didn't get in. So I stay and and I play at a local school, and and I and I lose my scholarships, and I get thrown out.

And they say, you know, you're not gonna come and attend State University anywhere in North Dakota again. You know, you're gone. And and I and I can't believe these things are happening because, see, I'm not that way. I I just wanna be loved, you know? And and and as an alcoholic, I'm the only kind of the only alcoholics are the only people that I know that that wanna be they wanna completely detach from people but be hugged while we do it, you know.

It's like, get away from me. You know. And I no. Just stop. You know?

And I'm and I I just I just want that, you know? But big tough guys don't say that. Big tough guys say, get away from me, and then later on when they're alone is when they put their head down on their hands. And and I live that way, and it was it was embarrassing to for me because I I always thought I had control. I always thought I had control.

And people come up to me and they'd say, the problem is you need to go back to church. You know, that that's gonna save you. That's your problem. You see, if if you had God, then you wouldn't do the things you do, and you wouldn't drink like that. And that's kind of a funny thing because for me, my dad is Southern Baptist.

So the holy book is in the house. The sword of God, you know, it's in there. He would bring Jehovah witnesses in, and then he would like, battle them and they'd leave there wondering why they're Jehovah witnesses. You know what I mean? It was it was like crazy around my house.

And and and there and it was just it was crazy. And I I was I was the president of the National Lutheran Youth Fellowship League for the state of North Dakota. Can you believe that? I had God. I got to I was the number one graduation student from my confirmation class.

I got to give a 10 minute sermon the next Sunday and everybody came up and told me, you should really think about joining the faith and carrying God's message. And they're doing that. They're saying all this stuff to me. So I'm sitting there and I'm wondering hope I've got God, and I'm still doing this stuff. So apparently, you're all wrong.

And, you know, I get this this thing in my head that says that you're wrong, because if he was so great, I wouldn't be where I am. So I came to AA with that on my shoulder. I came to AA with this idea of God, and I hated Alcoholics Anonymous. I got here, I came to my first meeting on a Thursday, and I hadn't showered since Sunday, and I was a construction worker at the time. There was no cologne covering up the funk coming off of me.

I was dirty and I stunk, you know. And I had hair back then, and it was kind of this weird afro thing, and I had concrete chunks, and and I had these patches of hair coming off of my face and this nasty goatee. I I kinda look like a chia pet on crack, is what I looked like, you know. I had I had all this stuff sticking out all over the place and and I walk into my first meeting like that, and and and I sit down. And and as I'm walking in the door, of course, you know, I'm I'm I'm I'm a tough guy.

So I show up at 7:59 and 58 seconds for the 8 o'clock meeting. And this guy walking in, he's the last smoker, you know. Okay. Let's go, you know. And he's in the door and he says welcome to me.

And now at this point in time in my life, hearing welcome is a crazy thing because nobody says welcome to me anymore. Nobody does. And I can't figure out by this time in my life why I continue to drink. Because I already said that if you wake up out of jail or if you wake up by the things that I've been told, if my only problem was a phenomenon of craving, then I wouldn't need to be here. But I have this second thing that's wrong with me.

I've got the obsession of the mind. I've got the thing that tells me it's gonna be okay to take the next drink. You know? Yeah, man. You know?

That was because you were drinking whiskey. You know, everybody gets crazy when they drink whiskey, you know. You need to try tequila. Try a little Mexican flavor, you know. You know, do that, you know.

Try that stuff, you know. No. No. No. The last time you did that, you peed on somebody.

That's a bad thing, you know. You go over here, you you need to stick to just pure malt liquor. Yeah. That's what it is. Let's get down to the to the brute nature of things, you know.

And and no. No. That's not gonna work. Kharkov. Kharkov vodka.

998 of 175. I'm convinced that a potato's never been near Kharkov. That stuff's made of paint thinner and strained through underwear that's been worn for 3 days. That stuff's terrible. I mean, that that Kharkov.

I still get that little gaggy thing in the back of my mouth when I say Karkov. It's like Karkov, you know. No. Karkov. I I still get in trouble with Karkov.

So so apparently, there's something in my head that is not right. You know, in the doctor's opinion, it tells me that I'm that physically I'm different, mentally I'm different. Physically I'm different because of the of the phenomena I'm creating. Mentally, I'm different because of the obsession of the mind. And I'm I'm also the guy that that looks at that part of the book and where it says exactly it says, the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks, drinks I see other people take with impunity.

If I don't get that sense of ease and comfort, I am irritable, restless, and discontent. It precedes it by saying that. Well, I don't know about you, but I being sober today and and working in a in a field where I get to do a little marketing once in a while, if I ever left AA and started an alcohol company, I would call it ease and comfort. Because that just sounds so nice, you know. Ease and comfort.

And when I when I think about that, I got ease and comfort instantly. And this The other people, they seem to drink without any consequence at all. They drink, they don't go to jail. I'm allergic to alcohol. When I drink, I break out in handcuffs.

It's a terrible terrible thing. When I drink, I have these crazy problems, and my friends, they go to work the next day. I wake up at 3 and go, crap. Where am I gonna work? You know, because they've already told me I'm gonna be gone.

You know? I don't understand what that happens. I have all these things that keep coming up and get piled on top of me. I've got all these felony charges. I've got all this crap on me and they keep telling me don't drink.

And I say, okay. I'm not gonna drink. And then this little thing goes, but Kelvin, those little Mickey wide mouths. They're small like a kid could hold them. You know, they're they're only like 10 ounces.

They're they're not even a full beer. They're they're just tiny And they're green and and the the the the the bottle's nice. Just one of those, you can have just one of those. You'd be fine. But unfortunately, he comes with 5 of his friends.

And I don't want him to be lonely. I'm not the guy who breaks up families. So I I go in there and and I'm not drinking. I'm not gonna drink. So I go, well, if I just get 6 of them, then I I can have one maybe next week because I'm not drinking.

And maybe 2, because Super Bowl's coming up, you know. I mean, that makes sense. Right? But then see, I got this problem because I'm cheap, And I and I go, what the damn. Why would I buy 6 for $7 more?

I I can bring the whole the whole family. Everybody's coming over, you know. So I buy the keys. Let me tell you what one little Mickey's wide mouth gets you. One little Mickey's wide mouth gets you insulation of a riot on your record.

That's what it does for me. I don't know about you, but I had one and I end up at a rave and pretty soon I'm saying let's burn this thing down. Nobody ever listens to me. What the hell are they doing listening? You know?

So everybody starts tearing everything up and when the cops come, they all do this, you know. And I'm like, what? It was a Mickey, you know. That's all I'm thinking. No.

That happens to me. That happens to me. Because I'm not picky. My idea of a fine wine is mad dog 2020, you know. I mean, my idea of a fine wine is thunderbird.

Okay? I mean, I just wish I was older so I could have drank ripple. Because I hear people talk about that. That stuff sounds awesome. You know?

So I I've got this I've got this this picture in my mind of these things, and they don't seem to add up. 22 is making 6 all day long. I don't understand why I can't just have 1 or 2. So when I come to Alcon Oaks anonymous and they explain to me that I have this this obsession of the mind that tells me that that turning back to the drink is an okay thing to do and it makes sense for me to do, I now understand, oh, that's why I do that. That little monkey that sits on my shoulder and tells me go ahead.

That that's just that's just part of my disease. That I'm not really crazy like the psychologist is trying to tell me. That they're trying to tell me you're borderline schizophrenic, you know? That you're that you're That they wanna put me on Haldol for an anti psychotic because I told them I heard voices. It's noisy in my head, damn it.

Of course, I heard voices, you know. I mean, they're telling me things. They're saying, well, you gotta go do this and you gotta go do that. And and of course, that girl, she she won't really leave you if you drink tonight. You're the best thing that's ever happened to her, you know.

And that's the things that go through my head. That's what happens to me. And I return back to the drink, and I return back to the insanity, and the book tells me to drink is to die. And I started killing myself slowly and more slowly and more slowly. And for a guy like me, I I I don't get lucky.

I don't get to be one of the people that dies. Dies. I'm somebody that if I went back to the drink, I would get to live a long time in a lot of pain. I'm convinced of that. So I I end up at this AA meeting that night, and they get up there at this podium, and this guy starts talking.

He's telling a story, this guy Kenny that's in my home group to this day. I love Kenny. And, he starts talking about how he feels in his gut. And I get scared, and I do what any newcomer would do. I run the heck out of that meeting before it's even over over.

And I go over I go over to my buddy's house and I grab a beer and I throw the first one back and I grab the second one. I don't even think I finished it. Because the only thing running through my mind is you are a loser. You've been thrown out of college. You've got all these felonies hanging over your head.

What what the heck is wrong with you? Somebody said welcome to you tonight. Nobody says welcome to you anymore. You're such a loser. And my family was leaving for the weekend.

And I'm I'm a grown man and I'm still living with and I moved back in with my parents. Okay? I mean, it's a bad deal. And, and I'm And for anybody out there that's living with your parents, I'm not saying that you're bad or anything like that, because I said that in a conference one time, and this guy comes up to me. He's like 33, And he goes, I used to live with my mom.

And I'm like, okay. You know? I'm like, sorry, man. Didn't mean to say anything. But, my parents leave, and and I'm not a guy who got here through treatment.

I'm not a guy who got here through through through being able to to go somewhere and dry out. I dried out that weekend, and I went into the DT's and I threw up blood, and I do I couldn't keep anything down for 3 days. Because, see, by this time, I'm drinking to the point where I'm starting to pass out. And if you have to be able to earn a living, you need a little something else to keep you going throughout the day. So I I'm pumping all kinds of stuff into my system.

I am a human vacuum of self gratification, is what I really am, you know. Because if I think that if I think right up right up, you know. My favorite drink is free, my favorite drug is what do you got? You know. I mean, if you think you tell me aspirin's gonna get me off, I'm taking out stock and bear.

Okay? I'm like all over the place. I If I think a woman's gonna make me feel better, boom. I'm on that deal. If I think a new car's gonna make me feel better, boom.

I'm on that deal. A job, anything. Something's gonna make me feel better than what I'm feeling right now. I'm gonna grab it and I'm gonna take it in. That's what I do.

I'm a vacuum of that stuff. I take it and I use it, and it's and it's a bad deal. And and my sponsor, I I love the way he described it. Here's the problem with a guy like me doing drugs. I do drugs like an alcoholic.

Okay? A drug addict, they do their drugs and they and they do their little addict y drug ways, you know, And they're pretty cool with it, you know. But an alcoholic starts doing drugs. Have you ever seen the movie The Matrix? And and Morpheus reaches across and he goes, you want the red pill or the blue pill?

I don't know what goes through your head but in my head, I'm like, can I get 3 of those red pills? You know, what happens if I take them both at the same time? You know, What's gonna go on? You know, I mean, that's what I start thinking. You know, that that's what happens in my head.

I don't understand it. You know? And I don't think there's a chemist out there that can find better combinations than we come up with. You know? Okay.

I'm gonna drink this 5th of tequila and I'm gonna start getting a little sleepy so I better take a handful of these and then, oh, and then I'm gonna get too wired so I better smoke some of this and then then I'm gonna get nauseous so I better drink some more of this because I'm really gonna be thirsty and I'm gonna and I just run these scenarios from my head and I'm like, yeah. And then I'll be happy. You know? I don't know anybody that has to concentrate that damn hard to be happy besides me. You know?

I'm I'm the guy that looks for it. I will try whatever I can to twist it altogether. And I end up going going and and and getting this this feeling as I'm as I'm sitting in my house and I don't know what I'm gonna do. Because I know that if I go to work, that there's beer in the shop, and I'm gonna drink. So I so my parents would pick me up, pick their grown son up from work, or I would stay in the job site and let them leave, and they would come pick me up there because I knew if I went to the shop, I'd drink.

And I waited till that next Thursday. Now never mind, I could have went to a 100 other meetings during the week, but I'm waiting till that next Thursday because somebody there said welcome to me. And I walked into that meeting that Thursday, and I had actually shaved some of the stuff off on the sides, and and I'd put a baseball cap on, you know. And I came into that meeting broken, bruised, torn, and psychotic. The type of psychotic where you can't sleep because you're coming down off of everything, and you've watched every infomercial on the planet, where you can start reciting 800 numbers to people for Bowflex, Soloflex, that magic bullet and all that other stuff that they have on there late at night.

When you watch that stuff, that's me. I'm nuts by the time I come in there. And I come walking up that sidewalk to that meeting, and there's a group of them. And for anybody who knows who them are, then you Yeah. You know who you know who they are.

The people that are happy. The AA people. The ones that say those things to you that make you wanna tear their throat out, like keep coming back. It works. Let go of that god.

You better pray and let go of your throat before you die, you know. I mean, I hated AA, and I hated the people in AA. They sucked because they were happy and they smile at you and they shake your hand and they'd say, can't you hear me now? And some guy said, think, think, think to me, and I swear there should have been a homicide that day. Because he just he's looking at me, and he's they're saying these cutesy a crap.

You know? And they started winking at each other after they said, do you have a sponsor? I'm like, no. He doesn't have a sponsor. You know, and I'm like, oh no.

I ain't rolling like that, you know. I mean, we are not doing this deal, you know. I'm I'm a lead, you know. And this guy comes up to me and he shakes my hand and he says, welcome to the meeting. You were here last week.

Right? Now if he would have taken a shot at me or if he would have said, oh, looks like you had happy feet last week. I'd have swung as hard as I could. He'd have been spitting chiclets, and I You'd have somebody else standing here tonight, you know. The guy saved my life because he showed me kindness when I walked in the door.

And he said, would you read how it works for us this evening? And I'm sitting there going, how What? What in the hell are you talking about? You know. And they're like, will you read this for us?

And I don't know about you, but I'm all about attention. So I said, okay. Yes. I'll do that. And and that guy had to be my first sponsor.

And after the meeting, he comes up to me and he says, you know when you read how it works tonight, a light came on for me and I really understood step 8. And I kind of puffed my shoulders up. I was like, I'll read every week if y'all want me to man. I'm all about saving people, you know. I'm like all excited and he's like, no other newcomers need a chance and he's trying to usher me away from other people because he knew he had a live one, you know.

And there's sponsor sponsor sponsor sponsor, you know. And I'm like, finally I'm like, sponsor, sponsor, sponsor. Race cars. Hey. I'm broke.

This guy's wearing a tie. He gave me a business card that said craft on it. This guy's gotta ask I'm way behind on credit cards, man. Do you wanna be my you know, I'm I'm I'm so I've got in my mind, somebody helps you out with your bills. They float you on a little bit, get you sober, give you some financial planning, you know, Buy you some things.

Put you in a nice suit like they're wearing. You know. Take you down to the tailor shop. You know. You get a car on a finance plan.

I mean, I I had the whole thing all down, you know. And, I'll all I really learned is is that they yell at you and tell you to do things you don't wanna do. Make you go places that you don't wanna be. You know, we're gonna go to the hospital tonight. Great.

Thanks a lot. You know, I'm gonna go kill myself in the corner. And then after that, they say, hey, we're gonna do these steps. And I'm like, man, I am not walking anywhere. Okay?

I want nothing to do with that crap. I want nothing to do with it. You guys are too happy. And so then I came up with a philosophy in AA. They're really smoking dope.

They gotta be. Because there is no way in hell you can be happy and sober and doing that stuff. You can't marry those 2 up. So I'm starting to hang around the guys that look like they'd be the dealers in the group, you know. So I'm like I'm like hey, how you doing?

So what are you guys doing tonight? Fellowship. Great. I'll be over there. How much do I need?

You know what I mean? I mean, you know, I just I don't know what they're I don't know what they're doing. And they're going to coffee, you know. I hated coffee, you know. And here's why I hated coffee.

Because I drink it by the gallon, and I try to sleep at night, and I work construction. I have to be up at 5 in the morning. So I'm sitting there till 4 just shaking, you know, smoking cigarettes. I get an hour of sleep, wake up, hit the damn alarm, and I'm and I get off the road and I can't go my sponsor told me I'd have to call him if I was gonna call in sick to work. I'm like, I'm not calling that guy this morning.

Screw him. I'm going to work. And I go to work and then he said, I want you to start making your bed. I'm like, I am a grown man. I am not making my bed.

And he said, why? And I said, because you guys have me all drinking coffee every damn night and I can't sleep. And I get into the bed and I finally pass out, and I get up in the morning and I'm almost late for work and everything else, and I'm not making my bed. So I started making my bed and, because he told me to. At my home group, we wear we wear ties ties on, ties on the the our speaker meeting night.

And, we were talking about it a little bit earlier today. Oh, by the way, Judy, thanks for the gum. I don't know. You're Judy? Thank you for the gum.

Appreciate it. I know that's completely random, but that's how I am. It's noisy. But so I'm doing these things that these guys tell me to do. And and they people say, well, why do you guys wear ties to your meeting?

And I said, well, it's because the meeting is open every week, and people's families come in. And my sponsor looked at me one time and he said because I was mad, because I'm a construction worker, you know, and it's 90 degrees, and I'm shoveling concrete all day. And then they say, put your tie on and come to the meeting. You know? And I'm hot and sweaty, and I'm like, why do I have to wear a tie?

And he said, well, you may be and I pray to God this never happens, but you may be the only example of a somebody gets to see someday. You may be the only example of a big book they ever get to see. So if you're ever behind the podium, I want you in a tie. And at the night of your home group, I want you in a tie. And I'm like, damn it.

You know? I can't disagree with that. I might be I might be that guy someday. And it scares me, but it might be true. I mean, it might happen.

I might be the only example of the big book somebody gets to see, so I always have to be watching. I always have to be watching. And, so now when people say, why do you wear a tie to your to your home group? I just say, because my sponsor told me to and so should you. And then I'm done.

I get tired of explaining things to people. There's other things to do. And, I gotta say something real quick. When I said I drank too much tequila and and, like, peed in the corner, you can always tell who the Al Anon's are in the room when I say that. But and you can tell the drunks are too because when I say, and I got drunk and I peed in the corner.

Drunks, they're laughing. They're like, ah. And the Al Anon's, you see this look come over them, and they go, damn it. I had to clean that up. And, so I can always tell who they are in the room.

It's just it's it's really easy for me to just go, hey. How you doing? You know? So I had to say that. And I got going in alcohols anonymous.

I got going with with this sponsor, and I got going and and going to these round ups. Round ups. I'm from North Dakota. Brothers don't do round ups. Okay?

We don't go he broke calves and all that other stuff. I mean, we just don't do it. Okay? And I and I am not gonna go do this round up thing. Well they say, well round ups are where we go listen to AA speakers.

And I'm like, great. How about after that, we just take each other, taking turns bashing each other's toes with a ball peen hammer. Sounds like a lot of fun, you know. I didn't wanna go listen to AA speakers, because I had to listen to my sponsor all the dang time. And he'd rope some other poor little sucker in and get him over there, and he'd be like, and why do we have a sponsor?

And I'd recite it, because we need an unemotional point of view in our lives, and a guide through the steps, and blah blah blah blah blah blah. And he'd be brainwashing him. I'd be watching him do it. And I'd watch that poor guy, and I'm like, run. 1 while you can.

They're gonna make you do things. So I got tired of 80 speakers, right away, and, I was I was out doing alcohol synonyms. And I and and and I say this, and some people just go and then you get old timers fall over and have heart attacks. It's a terrible deal. But here it is.

At my home group, there was a thing that was said at that time, when I where I first sobered up. And it said, anybody willing to be a sponsor? Raise your hand. I am exactly 12 days sober. And I'm sitting next to my sponsor at the meeting, and he elbows me, and my arm goes up in the air.

It's a reaction. And this kid comes up to me with his pants down to here. Every other word is mother something. And he and he's just wild, and he's in the boys ranch, and he goes, I was wondering if you'd sponsor me. And I'm like, sponsor me.