Area 78 Roundup in Spruce Grove, Alberta, Canada

Name is Rick and I'm an alcoholic. I wanna thank Mike for using my best lines. Rusty didn't get them last night, you filled them in. I'm Rick, I used to drink, You know? I used to drink.

I it was something I did. Hi, Rick. Hi, Rick. I'm an alcoholic. I, I I was so honored when I got a phone call and said, you're gonna be moved to Sunday.

And I thought, wow. Guys on Sunday are usually old and really spiritual. These are the kind of guys that have lunch with God on Wednesdays. You know? But there is a penalty for speaking Sunday.

Saturday night, I gave my talk in my bed three times. I really wish you could have heard the third one because I actually was able to get my opinions across and you you got you bought them. You know? But I was, I was a common drunk. That's what I was when I came to you.

I wasn't an alcoholic. I was a common drunk. I grew up in a in a family that was half Irish and half Scottish, and today that makes sense because half of me always wanted to get drunk and the other half didn't wanna be. I, it was a wonderful home to me because it's the only one I knew. There was nothing wrong with this family, you know.

My my family, I had an older brother, an older sister, then me, and then my my younger sister, and we were 7 years apart. So my mother had babies for 21 years, and the joke in our house was my father got the 7 year itch and stayed home. Now my my older sister was born, brain injured. She was severely cerebral palsy. And so my sister and I weren't planned.

And, the bad joke was we were straying through rubber. And the my my father had a very, very, he didn't have a dry sense of humor, it was kinda oily. You know, he, he was a character, my dad was a character. But anyways, there was always drinking in our home, and there was always excitement. Because my sister was severely cerebral palsy, My father and mother started a a parent support group called the the Cerebral Palsy Parent Council.

And they put on television network, global network telethons to raise money to build crippled children treatment centers. So I had people in my house. And for the younger people, you won't know who the hell I'm talking about, but I had Tommy Hunter in my house when I was a kid. I had I had Wayne and Shuster in my house, and these are this is, you know, Paul Anka. You know?

I mean, he's he's been living in Hollywood for years, but those people, Bobby Hall in my house when I was a kid. And there was lots of booze and lots of excitement. And, twice a year, they they fold up, push all the furniture to the walls and they'd have a dance in the basement. And, and the mayor's wife would come and and make a pass at my dad and that was always a big joke, right? But there was excitement and there was fun and and liquor wasn't a problem, It was a it was a point of excitement and that was it was fun.

But there was something wrong with my drinking thing. You know, the very first time I drank, we'd stolen liquor out of liquor cabinets, and we had a big peanut butter jar full of everything. Little gin, little vodka, little rum. And we're sitting around a campfire, and the jar went around once, and they're all spitting it out. Fools.

You know? And it came to me, and it burned like hell, and it was tasted like crap, but it did something for me it didn't do for them because I finished that jar. And I ended up going home in the back of a police cruiser in someone else's clothes. It's not funny. These people are sick, you know?

And I I spit up on myself and someone put clothes on me and then we went out carousing in the neighborhoods. We came back from where we're camping down by the river. And I got picked up, and the policeman brought me home. And in those days, they brought you home a lot, you know, I I remember driving drunk and policemen's following me home, it's different now I understand. There were lots of times where the local area cop would get pull you over and go, oh, you're drinking a cane?

You're going straight home, I'll follow you. You know, that stuff happened. And everybody knew everyone in small town, Ontario. Well, not that small, but in that part of town. I, first time I drank, though, I came home in someone else's clothes.

And my dad said, son, if you can't handle that stuff, you leave it alone. And my keen mind said, it takes what it takes. I'll try harder. And, for years, my answer to everything was, I'll try harder. And I became very good at holding my booze better than my friends.

I was the guy, we'd all go out and get drunk and so drunk enough that we hardly knew each other's names. And then I drove everyone home because I could hold it better than others. I developed a capacity. It was years later I was to learn that just meant I had a fatty liver. Make me more of a man.

Meant my the liver protects itself, it grows fat cells. Right? And that's that's where tolerance comes in liquor. I had a doctor explain that to me. Crazy, but but I'm macho, I drink a lot.

I had a my first round up, I heard a fellow talk, and he explained what alcohol did for him. And for me, it was the best the best description I ever heard in before and after. He said when he drank alcohol, it made him feel like real men looked. Man, that that was me. You know?

Because I was a snot face kid with pimples, big ears, and I was skinny. I mean, one of the horrors of my childhood was I was very tiny. I was the kid that could run-in and out of the fireplace without clocking himself in the head. I was tiny. And I was cute little Ricky.

And I didn't wanna be cute little Ricky. Oh, I wanna be Rick, you know, and and pimples in the ears. And, it was just terrible. So when I started drinking, it did something for me. You You know, I remember the one defining night, and I was at a house party, and they were playing my fifties albums.

You know, they were younger than me because everyone kept passing me. And, and it was a defining name for me because everything was right. The music was right, The laughter was right. And I felt I felt that it went click. It just everything went click.

And I felt complete. Never got it again. I looked for it. I was the kind of drinker. I'd go to 1 bar.

I'd order 2 drinks. I'd go to the next one. This wasn't the place. The next one was gonna be the place. It was the promise that the next couple of drinks were gonna be the ones.

And, and I got in trouble. I was the guy, rest Rusty was saying, he was the dork. I was the putts. You know? I don't know.

We didn't have dorks where I grew up. We had putzes. But I was always the one getting caught. You know? I I was charged 3 times with underage drinking before I was 18.

Three times. I'll never forget walking down the main street of my my hometown, London, Ontario, and, Owaino can come up to me. And I just spent a night in a drunk tank. And he come up to me like I was his best friend. And he wanted me to work one side of the street, and he was gonna work I was a kid.

I didn't know who this guy was. And I was terrified, like all the hair went up in the back of my neck. And I thought, how the hell do I know him? You know, because I didn't remember. My my the greatest thing I did drinking was the lights went out.

Then I came up, then I came to, and people told me what I did. It was over and over and over again. And I was raised in a pretty darn decent moral morality of family. I mean, it was a good family overall. My dad drank too much.

My mom used to say, he's perfect to one flaw. I was raised in a family where I never heard my father say something disrespectful in public. To her face, when no one was around, he used to call her that thin lit Presbyterian woman, but when she give them hell for drinking, but, you know, there was lots of laughter around Sunday dinner table, and it was good. But I was getting in trouble, And, and then I I I I ended up out of school. School was tough for me.

I I was dyslexic, and then when I was growing up, there was no such thing as dyslexia. I was given the strap weekly, daily because I wasn't performing, and I learned to hate authority. And, and it's okay to hate authority if you're big and strong, but I was just a little snot. I was was never a lover. No.

I was more interested in getting drunk. I was never a fighter. I had a medical problem, in all fairness. I had no guts. I I I love George Carlin's line.

He says, do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone. That was me. I'm not getting in a fight. I've been talking while they were swinging. I love talking.

People know that about me still. But I I, I was working as a dishwasher in a restaurant London, Ontario, and the short order cook had a stroke and died at the grill one night, literally. And, they handed me an apron and a hamburger turner and I I started cooking. And, and beside the I was failing in school. I mean there were I can honestly say today, there's 4 things that kept me from university degree.

Those things are grades 9, 10, 11, and 12. I was gone. You know? I I went and I was gonna become a chef, you know, and and I got my papers. I became a paper chef, and I never forget I was working at this little restaurant and I was telling everybody about being a chef.

This old cockney waitress says, listen bub, you may think you're a chef, but you're nothing but a sweaty Harry ass cook. But I love that. I loved I loved the creativity, and I loved the fact that I didn't have to read much. You know, I didn't have to fight with my frailties on that. I and I could I could do all sorts of creative things, and I could give other people orders.

I wasn't little Ricky. You know, I was I was a little bit Hitler in the kitchen, but I got it done. And they would give me drinks. That was great. And then I was working at one of the most exclusive country clubs in Canada.

And this little girl started working there. And I was getting lots of trouble. I was driving a 'sixty 6 Mustang with pony seats. I was almost cool. All I ever wanted to be was cool, right?

And, and I asked her out, and she went. And, and we started dating. And, man, she laughed at my jokes. And her eyes would sparkle and we'd go dancing and we're drinking quartz beer and shaking our butts to boogie music at bars. And in those days for me, booze was sweaty bodies and thrashing around on dance floors, and it was excitement.

I wasn't fulfilling any insecure part of my body. Nothing. I was I was getting high and listening to the fiddler. I mean, I really liked it. I loved it.

I loved Bruce and what it did and the excitement. And, but the lights kept going off, you know, and that's frustrating, you know. So I dated this poor girl, and that's what my dad said, he said, oh don't do that to her. And I got charged with impaired and I got real panicked and I proposed to her. And, you know, and it was romantic.

It really was. Because I really I really wanted to be a whole person. I really wanted to be that guy that she look at me and say, that's my old man, you know, and be proud, you know. But I was pathetic. You know, I was, oh, man, you know, I'd start out with the best intentions, you know, and we're talking about old Nourmayne.

And Nourmayne used to say, the road of good intentions is paved with busted hearts and broken dreams. And, I love it when you talk like that. And, and I would fall short. And she got real serious, you know. She she get real serious about me, and she would start laughing at my jokes.

I I used to say, well, the day we got married, that we looked like a brand new house. She was all painted up and I was plastered. And I wasn't through at all because my my wife's never worn much makeup. I'll never forget the day she walked up the aisle to marry me. She was the most beautiful person I ever saw in my life.

And her eyes were all sparkly. I think her nose was running because she was excited to be there. You know, she was, and, and it went to hell in a handbasket real quick after that. See, my wife, previous to marriage, she'd lived in a she'd lived in a residential situation, 30 miles out of town and be getting her nursing degree. So I would drink all week, and I get the hives I drink so bad.

And then I'd go see her on the weekend and I'd be all twitchy and you know, trying to put on this this thing. I understand schizophrenia. I lived it, you know. I may not have had it, but I lived it. You know, all week drunk with the boys.

And I was the kind of drunk that I knew I was pissing off certain friends. So I'd only spend 1 or 2 nights with this group, and then I had another group for another couple nights and another group for so that I wasn't wearing anyone out. But I was drinking nonstop every night. And it was it was like living 2 lives. And, when I married this gal and, we didn't some of the happiest times we had was when we didn't have anything.

We didn't have any worries. We lived in the basement of this brand new immigrant couple from Italy and they fought and they didn't argue. They threw things and they had bang and crash furniture and we didn't have much. But she got the house to go to work. And soon as she was far enough down the road, I woke in to drink.

And, and she'd come in, and I was a toxic drinker. My I was deathly physically allergic, and it was like formaldehyde coming out of my pores. I stung so bad. And she'd come in and open windows. I'd be I'd be trying to sleep sleep it off, and it was awful.

And I and she was getting serious, and I didn't like that. So I I tried telling her jokes. I tried warming her up. I remember I come home one night, 3 o'clock in the morning, and she says, drunk again. And I said, me too.

And she didn't laugh. The laughter was over, you know, and we were just newlyweds, and and it went on for 8 years. But during that time, we came to a point where we decided it was probably in both our better interest, given that neither of us knew what was gonna happen with me. I could be good for a month or 2, and I'd I'd go over the deep end and it'd be blackouts and embarrassment. We decided it was probably better that we never had kids, at least not at this point in our life.

And I thought, you know, dogs have litters. What's your problem? But I couldn't argue. It was wrong, what I was doing, you know, I hate that part. And we had the classic love hate relationship is what I would tell people.

And, you know, I would she'd be hurt and I'd be mad at her for being hurt. And all our conversations started with you. You always, you never, you did, you didn't. The minute I heard you, I'd say, yeah, but you, you know? And it seemed like we're talking at each other, not to each other.

And, and I loved her. I didn't know that I loved her. That was a scary thing. I was I think I was sober about 7 years before I finally figured out the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

And I never got to a point that I didn't care what she thought or how she felt. Never. Never. And she'd look at me and she'd say, I understand you drank last night, but why do you have to sneak around and lie? Why do you do that?

And I couldn't tell her. Not till I was sober and understood understood who I was and what I did. My bottom came in on the installment plan. I didn't come in and get it right away. I first showed up 1st Tuesday in October of 1975.

And, I I announced to my friends that I was going to the ANA. I was in London, Ontario in those days, and I met them at the CPR Hotel. The SEEPS is what we call it. I said, I'm going to the ANA's tonight. An hour and a half later, I was back.

Now I'll have you know that room was dark and smoky and they were drinking coffee. I thought it was a thoroughly unhealthy place. And I walked back into that bar, and my friend said, so I thought you're going to AA. And I said I said, just I thought you were AA. And I said, no.

Just AA. It was a big joke. And then I came back again in 1982 and, my just after my mother had died. And and I came back one more time. And, by then, I'd moved my wife to Vancouver because I really really was uncomfortable that she was gonna bump into some of my friends on the street, and I didn't want those conversations starting because it was performing.

I was going into blackouts and doing sad and pathetic things, and, and she didn't need to see that. I'd had 2 impaired charges by the time we moved there. I seem to get them in 5 year installments. I don't know what that was about, but it was the 5 year plan, I guess. But we got her to Vancouver and within 3 days, I got one of her her her best friend's husband so drunk that he thought he was dying.

I introduced him to Harvey Wall Bangers, and the poor bugger laid on the lawn. We're trying to play cards, and he all of a sudden had to leave the room. I thought, what a whim. I gotta train that bugger. But it was it was the tough part was the emotional tug of war.

And one of her games was I performed badly, and then she'd get real quiet and real serious. I hated that serious thing. You know? And so I push I wait for the right moment, and I push her buttons just hard enough that she'd blow up, and she'd get all this emotional energy off, and then I'd offer alternatives. So in the book where it talks about, it's a beautiful section there where it talks about drinking beer and then all that.

Oh, I got that list. I got a couple of new ones, I think. You know? And I would offer alternatives, and that was the game. We played the game over and over and over again.

There was no way of getting off the merry-go-round, because I I'd get thirsty. And, once I triggered that drink, I was off to hell with my hat off and, over and over. So my bottom finally came. Oh, boy. I I I came back to AE one more time.

And, and I really related to Rusty because mine was a I got I got sober doing coffee. I was no longer a chef. I was a coffee salesman. I worked for Maxwell House. I was the last drip.

And I I did restaurants and hotels for Maxwell House, and, and I came to this group. Yeah. I was in and out of this group, and I was in and out so many times that they actually old George would start putting my sober date in pencil. And I wanted I I wanted to be angry about that, but I knew it was right because I was I was one of those guys who's coming back, and it was Rick. You know, and I didn't wanna hear, Rick, Rick, Rick.

You know? And that's what it felt like. You know, owe you again. And I come back this time, there was a little gal in the group and she, she'd been making coffee for 3 years. She's just had her 3rd birthday.

And, Chantal came up to me and said something warm and fuzzy like, hey, dummy. Hey, stupid, or hey, you. Or that's what it sounded like to me. Here's the keys. You're gonna make coffee.

I said, I was sort of fine. And I've been a visitor. I've been in and out of AA for years, but I was a visitor. So I took those keys and I left that night. I'm in the coffee business.

I'm also a red seal chef. And I became absolutely terrified that you would not like my coffee. It was the worst week of my life worrying about I mean if there was if there was ever a group of people that were more palate fatigued, there's a bunch of old drunks. Right? But I went out and bought Colombian coffee beans and ground them at home just right.

You You know, and I made that coffee just right. And no one said one word. But I stacked chairs, and I did those things. And, and people would, you know, there were other guys just like me who weren't gonna go hurry home because she lived there. They were gonna be at the meeting early, and then we'd talk.

And the magic, the real magic of Alcoholics Anonymous, for me, the the real back to basics really started happening. It happened when I was setting up tables and chairs. It really did. We we were eyeball to eyeball, heartbeat to heartbeat, 1 on 1. One of the most powerful things in the big book for me, this is, is on page 180, and it's in doctor Bob's story, and it speaks directly to that.

It was the only thing in 1953, Bill Wilson wrote an article for the grapevine, and he said there was only one thing in Bill in doctor Bob's story that he wanted put in italics, and I'll paraphrase it and read it to you. Of far more importance was the fact that he was the first living human with whom I'd ever talked, who knew what he was talking about in regard to alcoholism from actual experience. In other words, he talked my language. And, doctor Bob, that was the most important thing he had to say in his whole story from his point of view. And that's what happened to me.

I physically joined AA. I started to live like I believed it would work for me. And I came to believe in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that it would work for me, and it's worked ever since. I, I was separated. Now now that was tough.

I, I came home from my last impaired, I'll backtrack a bit, from court. Now I'd gone to court, and I'd get arrested for impaired in a bit of a blackout. And I would there were bits and pieces missing, but I I've gone out and got the most expensive lawyer I could find because I was gonna beat this. I was still in the bargaining phase of life. And I got to court that day and it was, February 14, 1985.

I was a romantic devil. I went to court on my on Valentine's Day. And I got to court, and we were confident we had them. I refused to blow on all this. Anyways, the cop takes out they get him up on the stand.

He takes out that little black book. And he says, I pulled mister Killen over at so and so street and so and so Avenue. He rolled down his window, handed me his driver's license, his insurance, rolled up his window and drove away. You know, and you're you're sitting there beside your lawyer and you go, I don't wanna look at him because if he's laughing, I'm screwed. And I look over and he's got this like, why didn't you tell me that?

And and we're pausing making eyes and and the policeman goes on to say, I subsequently pulled the accused over 4 blocks later, he leaped from his car, ran to my window, and said, what the f do you want now? And I looked down, I did not look at my lawyer because I I could see his shoulders going. And I I said I said 2 words to him. I said, plead guilty. So I was defeated.

I was I had a I was I was a commercial salesman, traveling salesman, and, driver's license, and all of that was gone for 6 months and right on the spot. And I came home to that house that day, and I decided that I was not gonna play the game. I was gonna try a new tact with my wife. So I said to her, came home, and I said, you know, maybe I should move out. And for the first while when I came in here, I told you that I had to move out, but I I gotta come clean, she packed.

And and I was standing on my porch of my little cute little bungalow in the west end of Edmonton with my matching alcoholic luggage, pair of green garbage bags. And the question on my mind was, how did we get here? How did this happen? This is not what I was planning to happen, but I'll show her. And that was that was how I got back to AEA.

I got moved out. The scary thing was I got sober and I got my wife back. And for me that was terrifying because we didn't know how to talk to each other. We sure knew how to talk at each other. We sure knew how to avoid topics and discussion and pretend that things were okay, but we didn't know how to talk to each other.

We ended up, when we're separated, I went through a treatment center. And I went to her, and my hope was that if she came to the family thing for 3 days, that maybe she wouldn't hate me for the rest of her life. Maybe we could be friends out of this. I was really hoping to get half the house, you know, because we'd already split it. She had the inside, and I had the outside.

And in pre Al Anon terms, I was unfit for further training. But I got my wife back. Like I said, I got my wife back and it was terrifying to me because I really I didn't know how to be a husband. You know? I just so I I was fortunate.

2 months into my sobriety, some people decided they weren't gonna let churches tell them they couldn't smoke at meetings, and they were gonna open this little place called the Camel Club. So the only thing I had left for my job was my expense account. So I went up to the Camel Club one night, and I said, this is really cool. I wanna join. Here's a $100 for my expense account, and I wanna be one of the patrons here.

And I got involved with the Camel Club. And it was a real exciting place because, we weren't sure we were breaking traditions. We were, people were saying and doing the craziest things, and people were mad, and it was exciting, and there were newcomers, and there were so many Rick's that I became Coffee Rick. You know, we were talking about that early. Well, there were nicknames for it.

It was brush my sponsor was Brushcut Terry. And, and there was all it was all excitement. We had Fred, not dead Fred, and then it was just it was an exciting place to be. And I was there every night. I was there every night because I didn't wanna go home because she was there.

And and I knew if I tried to fix my marriage, it would be over because I couldn't make those amends yet. There was still too much damage, way too much damage. And, but she started looking prettier and smarter. And and, I was back in my own home. And, I started getting uncomfortable.

Getting a sponsor was a strange thing for me. I got a sponsor because someone asked me to be a sponsor, and I thought I better find out what they do. And I picked the guy that looked like a cop in a brush cut, and he was about 61, and stood stood around with a big Irish grin on his face. And, I knew it wouldn't work. We're too different, and he was my sponsor for 20 years before I had a hard time because it worked.

And it was a real exciting time for me. I had a honeymoon with 8 a. I was sitting in coffee shops telling more stories and doing the loving appraisals, and and some of you have done that, I think. You sit in there. And my sponsor, you know, he'd say things to me like, Rick, if you really need to take an inventory, why don't you just bring it to me, and we'll talk about it.

You know, and I'd go to him and I'd complain about someone in AA. So you wouldn't believe what this guy he said, you know, he's helped a lot of guys, Rick. I go, he doesn't get it. So I tell him with more enthusiasm, and he'd say, yeah, he's still helped a lot of guys. And I learned one of the truths in AA, that in AA, there are examples, just examples, examples of what to do and what not to do.

The examples of what not to do seem to me most of them have been more important than the ones what to do. See, I when I got to AA, I had to reinvent the wheel. I had to try everything out. I I had this thing about original thought, I guess. I had to reinvent the wheel every time and make the mistakes myself.

Wonderful people in AA died to show me what not to do. They died because, they wouldn't do the drill. You know, the drill that the old timers talked about. But anyways, my wife got smarter and prettier, and I married Irish Catholic. In front of you don't know what that means.

There's Irish, there's Catholic, and there's Irish Catholic. And, when you get married, they expect kids and, the whole family. And, otherwise, I think there's something wrong with you, you know. But, so we we got back together and we decided we start to have a family. Now my wife is a labor and delivery nurse.

She works in obstetrics. And so when we didn't get pregnant in 3 hours, I learned all about not wearing tight jeans and not sitting in hot bathtubs, and calendars, and alarm clocks, and midnight performances, and all of that stuff. We still didn't get pregnant. So oh, go figure, we'll go get checked out by a doctor. And the doctor let us know that for all intents and purposes, we probably never conceived a child.

And I thought, you know, we wasted a lot of time in the 1st 8 years and a lot of energy. And so we decided, we sat down and we decided maybe it'd be smart if we adopted. So we went to social services and they sent a social worker out to our house. And it was step 3 time for me. And the dilemma for me was, do I tell a social worker that I'm a year and a half, 2 years sober and risk everything?

What do I do? So I took it to my sponsor, and he gave me one of those creepy long speeches. He said, I don't know. What are you comfortable with? So I go back home mad at him, but understanding a little better that it's mine it's mine to figure out.

So this poor social worker comes in with the oversized purse and pads of paper and the notes and everything. She sits down, and I said, would you like a cup of tea? I'm in AA, and I went and ate tea. 3 weeks later, I'm sitting in my house, in the office in my house, and the phone rings. And the woman on the other end says, well, my name is I'm Elaine.

I'm I'm not your social worker. I am the department head for adoptions. And then she paused. And and, you know, you can hear the clock go tick, ticking ticking. It's over.

She says, first off, I wanna tell you we think you and your wife are wonderful options for adoption. And secondly, I liked what you said Saturday night at the Camel Club. My hair went up in the back of my neck. I was I was real close to God for about a month. And at first, at first private and auction, a little boy came into our house and, of course, he's grown up now.

Neither neither my kids have ever seen me drink a gun. And, and he's just a hell of a young man. I'm I'm really blessed. Here I go. I didn't get any sleep last night, so now I am gonna cry.

As soon as you talk about kids, it happens every time. But these I had no skills to be a parent. I had no idea. You know, I was I was working with newcomers. I didn't know about raising kids.

As my kids were growing up, I'd say things to them like, I don't know. Is that an example of what to do or what not to do? Hell, I didn't have any new material. But it taught my boys discernment. Taught them how to look and to think about things and who they wanted to be as they were growing up, and they're both outstanding.

3 years after my first son came into our lives, we had a a phone call from the adoption agency, and we went down and picked up a beautiful little baby girl. We brought Sarah home. And the law in Canada is that the birth mom has 10 days to change her mind. On the 6th day, my my daddy beeper went off. It was before cell phones.

And, so I I'm standing at my customer's desk with him sitting at his desk, and I'm on his phone. And my wife said to me, our birth mom has changed her mind. She wants Sarah back. And every fiber of my being wanted to hate and resent and to do those things that alcoholics do real good. And I dropped to my knees and I prayed, and then I got up and I called my sponsor.

And Terry gave me one of those long speeches again. He says he says, what's the right thing to do? I went home and Joanna and I chatted about it. And, what we the conclusion we came to was, what right did we have to pressure this poor birth mom who is making had just made the 2 her most horrendous decisions in her entire life. Who are we to be angry about this?

And as we took Sarah home to the adoption agency and turned her over and never saw the birth mom. Took all of the gifts we've been given for my friends in AA, bundled them all up, and sent them off with Sarah. Sarah's due date was around around the January 28th mark or 21st, somewhere in there. That name my gray haired wife came to me. She said, you're not gonna believe this, but I'm pregnant.

And I said, you're right. I don't believe you. And I walked over to the window. Joanne said, what are you doing looking at the window? I said, well, last time this happened there were 3 wise men and a virgin from the east and I don't wanna miss it.

And that's my second something. And, he has learning difficulties like his dad, and that makes him very special to me. The only difference is is is we know about him. We work hard with him at homework. Well, my wife works a lot harder than I do, but we work hard with him.

And he damn near got honors last year, you know? Because AA taught me to suit up and show up and make an honest effort. And so I'm taking the big kid to the pool because he's a swimmer, and my wife's working on homework with the other one. And, and it's magical from a guy who knew he couldn't raise kids, couldn't be a husband, let alone raise kids. My older son, just August 25th, my wife got on an airplane with my older son and took him to oh, just outside of Buffalo, New York because they gave him a full scholarship to swim.

I went to visit him. I'm really gonna cry this time. I went to visit him at his university and I met the kids from his dorm and he introduced me as his old man and that I was the reason he kept swimming and didn't quit because I suited up and showed up to his swim meets. And I didn't learn that from my family. My family, they drank and had parties, and, we didn't even hug in my house, you know.

And he told my friends, his friends that about me. And that's because I went to AA and didn't drink, and I hung out with with people by, where is it? By the very the very words of step 2, you're all on various stages of insanity. If you doubt there's a God, think about that. You're all nuts.

You're my best advisors. And this is what I get out of it, you know. When I was 4 years sober, my dad finally reached out to me. He called me up, and, he said he said, I don't think I'm gonna make it. I think I'm gonna die.

And his liver was starting to shut down, and he was a quarter day guy, a Walker special. He drank Walker special because it was in a flat rectangular bottle, and it wouldn't roll under his car seat. And nothing like going around the corner and go click, you know, but he drank every day of his life that I knew in a whole bottle. Leave that much in the bottom for the morning, drink that in the morning, and then start the next one when you get home from work. And I, I went to my meeting on Monday night or no.

It was a Friday night to my sponsor's group. My sponsor moved to Friday nights by then, and I said, Terry, I think he's gonna die. My mom died before I made amends. And there's an emptiness there. I never got a chance to make peace with my mom, and my dad's gonna die.

What do I do? And he gave me one of those long speeches, you know. He said, well, Rick, he'll be dead for a long time. And I went home and I said to my wife, I said, I have the time. We have the money.

I want to go see my daddy before he kills himself. So I got on a plane at midnight the same night. And I flew 2,800 miles, got a jumper plane from Toronto to London, Ontario. And that poor bugger in a snowstorm, shaking like a dog, pooping peach pits, was at the airport. But I packed him up in his car and I drove him all the way back to Edmonton.

And one of the first things I did as I got across the border at Detroit, I picked up a 12 pack of 1 ounces, you know, the little hotel, shots. And every time he started going to the DTs, he'd pop 1. And I got him back to Edmonton, and I took him to the Camel Club. And, I did that. Got my dad out to my house twice, and he tried to get sober.

My dad didn't get sober. He died drunk, you know. But the interesting thing for me was I didn't know how to make amends to him, but I shared my story with him. I shared all of it. I shared the release the dark secret stuff with him.

I let him know who I really was and who I was trying to be today. And the interesting thing for me was was despite the fact that he wasn't going to get sober, and it became very obvious after a while. He shared his story with me, and what I discovered was this poor bugger grew up in the Depression in a family where his dad only had one arm from the first world war, and that they missed meals. And and a big Sunday dinner for them was bacon and eggs when they could afford it. And he worked 2 full time jobs in the depression and went to war and, had a horrible job in the war.

Nightnares the rest of his life. And and when I when I finally knew my dad, I understood that my life, I was a piker. I've gone through nothing compared to my dad, and I had no business judging my father on any level. My dad was a hell of a guy. So when the night he died, I had talked every Sunday night, I talked to him for anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours on the phone and said my goodbyes.

Because every time I said goodbye, I knew this could be it. His liver shut down, and every 2 weeks, they would tap the fluid off of his cavity. Because it come the blood comes down to the top of the liver, and then it diffuses into the body cavity, turns into this gray fluid. And last night I talked to him, I said, we talked about God and whether he was ready to meet his maker and whether he had regrets. And we talked about all that stuff openly, like I would have a conversation with you because there was no unfinished business between him and me.

So today, I don't I don't see I don't remember the worst part. I remember the best parts, the gifts that my father gave me, the joy that he had for for talking to others, the joy he had in his daily life. Those are the gifts he left me. If you have people you haven't made amends yet to, it's it's without without a doubt, the best experience I had in life was for my dad and I to put it all to bed. It was over, you know, there was no more he said, she said left.