The first anniversary of the Into Action Group in London, UK

My name is Andy, and I'm an addict. Hi, Andy. And let me first start the start by saying thank you, you know, for asking me to come up here and, you know, and join in this you know it's a very special moment you know the 1st year anniversary of interaction fantastic you know and it's a privilege, you know, privilege not been trusted to carry a message. A simple message that you know, when I first came in blew me away. You know it did.

I was I was one of these hopeless addicts that that, that we all hear about a typical addict an average addict, gyro junkie you know I did all the things addicts do in order to get drugs you know, I used drugs they used me, I had to have drugs at all costs, it didn't matter who I who I stepped over, who I hurt, you know, where I got the money from, I had to have drugs at all cost and that was my dilemma, you know, I couldn't live with and I couldn't live without drugs. It took me to to a place where we often hear about and that's this place of absolute desperation absolute hopelessness the fight had been beaten out of me because I was a I was a clever addict in my own head I was a clever addict because I always managed to get money I always survived over there you know and with 3 months left to live you know I'm still thinking I'm a clever addict you know the cleverest thing I ever did was hold my hands up and say I'm beaten I'm absolutely beaten Please show me and it was it took another addict you know a friend of mine that I'd used for for years.

I'd suddenly come out of an institution yet again, you know, x amount of institutions and and he was there and he was a different guy. He's they talk differently, acted differently. His attitude towards life was different. You know we used to sit around and winch. We were professional winch and and misery guts you know back in those days, but this guy wasn't speaking that way and I asked him what he had done.

He took me along to a meeting and you know I mean very similar to this one a meeting that shared the common solution you know and we're all brought together because we share this this common illness but here was a meeting it wasn't just one person saying one thing and another person saying another thing, you know, like I see in an awful lot of, meetings through through, you know, where I live. This was a meeting where everybody rode in the same direction. Everybody have so from the the same hymn sheet. They all talked about the steps sponsorship you know and recovery and you know they they set about telling me how they had recovered not one person told me what I had to do Not one person told me what I should do or what I could do and they all told me what they had done, you know, and I said I listened quite intently really because you know as I said I had 3 months left I didn't know where I was gonna go or where else I had to go, because I I was at my wit's end and here was a group of people telling me that through getting sponsorship working the 12 step program with a sponsor they would get recovery you know and and they would recover from this illness see I'm I'm a I'm an addict me I was thought I had a drug problem you know I didn't realize that addiction is a state of mind you know it's this mental obsession that I suffer from a physical craving you know and and a physical allergy to to drugs but it was this mental obsession.

Take away the physical physical cravings. Take away the drug. I ain't gonna crave physically, am I? You know, because there's no physical thing there. But the mental obsession for me was was intense.

I could give up a drug for a while somewhere along the line of it. I would make it right to pick up that drug. Somewhere along the line it didn't matter who or her my family would be please don't do this don't do this and I'd be out there and I'd be saying I'm sorry it won't happen this time I'll do something differently and it won't be as bad as it was last time, you know, but I would pick up a drug. I couldn't stop, you know, stop using drugs, and I couldn't stay stopped either. As I said, I I listened to what these people have to say and they said through sponsorship, you know, just another addict that was prepared to take me through that basic text.

In that text lies my solution. You know, that's the solution to my whole lot of problems in that text. You know I was I was given a temporary sponsor at that time and this guy gave me simple things that I could do because I'm not an academic you know I'm not a clever guy I'm a practical man I live a very simple life I do very simple things in my life in order to to have a great life really, and this program was designed for me a simple a simple guide. I was told that all I had to do was put on my knees in the morning and pray to a to a higher power. Not a religious man.

Never been one. Never will be, you know, but the concept that, you know, a group of addicts who have recovered from this illness, you know, that the concept of them being a higher power than me was easy to grasp, you know, because I never had any ideas. I never had a clue how to how to recover, and these people, as I said, were willing to show me. So I got on my knees and started I started praying to this to this higher power I put my trust in this group that the process that they had gone through would work for me as well you know to sort of work from a friend and I thought if you can do it so can I and and it was an action it was all actions it was great because I didn't have to think about anything I didn't have to come and say sit down with the sponsors and well yeah I'll think about that and maybe I'll I'll crack on with that later? Let me work it out for a couple of days and I'll come I'll get back to you.

I didn't have to do all that. All I had to do was get on my knees and pray for a clean day and, you know, I was told to get a basic text to start reading it which I did page or a chapter a day. You know, because as I said within that basic text is the solution to my life's problems, but I'm I'm useless at doing things by myself. You know. I had to have somebody show me.

Everything I have today is a result of being taught, you know. I had to I had to be taught everything that I am today and, and I listened to this to this guy because he had what I what I wanted. He had a peace of mind and the serenity that, you know, that I prayed for for years because my head chatted in 1,000,000 for years, you know, it would it raised constantly and there I was listening to this guy who had recovered and, he told me to phone a couple of people within the fellowship. You know newcomers preferably and you know ask where they were. Didn't understand why I had to do it.

I just did it. You know, that's what I'm saying. If there's anybody new or or or wants this way, you know, wants a different way of life. Get really excited get really excited because it's built me away for over 9 years now you know and and my life's just continue to get better and better. I'm not saying monetary or anything like that.

What I'm saying is me within you know because it's an inside job for me. I have a great time I get really excited all the time. Anybody that knows me knows that I smile a lot. You know why shouldn't I smile? You've been in the shit that I've been in for all those years for over 20 22 years of my life.

You'd be smiling today. You know I was I've got to try to get grateful for the things I have in my life. Not the things I don't have but the things I have and over time more things I've got grateful for more things and you know life is excellent day. I've I've said to many people when I've shared many times I only have 2 kinds of day in recovery great days and brilliant days you know I'm an addict I stuck needles in my body from the age of 17 up until I was 34 you know, and I used drugs far before then as well My life my life took a turn for the better when I came into this fellowship when I actually allowed myself to be to be guided by somebody who knew better than me. I continued to do these these, these suggestions.

My life got better and better. I started feeling happy. I started feeling good about myself. Was taken through the steps by my sponsor again this man showed me every every step of the way showed me and in in return I got at the end of it I got restored to sanity I've got a change of thought and attitude a spiritual awakening and you know it continues because of work with addicts today I do the very best I can I have a higher power in my life which again blows me away? You know I've had people say talk about honeymoon period.

And 9 years of honeymoon period I've never had a bad day. Great days when I haven't used a drug brilliant days for everything that comes with it you know for not taking drugs and it's all up for to anybody I've said my piece never listen to the other guys as well because they're saying they'll be singing in the same you know, they'll be rolling in the same direction. This works. It's a 100% guarantee as long as you give yourself to it, and I'll leave there. Thank you.

Thanks, John. My name's Mark, and I'm an addict. And, I'm very grateful to be able to share from the table tonight, in my home group. And, yeah, I'm gonna add it to the same description, that that that that you spoke about, Andy. I, from a young age, I used drugs.

That was great fun. I really enjoyed using drugs. I found that they, that they also done for me that that they they treated, a, they treated a fear and an anxiety that I had from a young kid. And, that that was really a solution in my life, you know, from a very young age. And, I am an addict.

I am an addict, though, as I say. And, you know, unfortunately for me, I crossed an invisible line, where I lost control of my using. I lost, my ability to control my intake, and, drugs helped bring me to my knees. You know, I I first came to this, fellowship, just, you know, thinking I just had a drug problem. But, what I experienced was that, you know, while being claimed.

I've I've had, you know, different periods of time in different institutions, time spent within this fellowship, being claimed. What I also found was, that I I didn't just have a drug problem. You know? I had a life problem, And, what I it was essential for me to to to, do as as Andy done, you know, to to, get a sponsor, and to work through the steps, to read, our our literature, because I I found that I'm an addict of a type. You you know, I mean, if if you're new around and if you've had a problem controlling drugs, you know, welcome.

We've we've got something in common, but as I say, I found I also I I I had a problem with life. I had a I had a particular type of self centered fear, a particular attitude, self centered attitude, that that made life, just a very hard thing for me to to take part in, to be part of. You know? And, what I've done, you know, I really experienced my powerlessness over using drugs, and I got to accept, my lack of control, over that. And as I say, what what I also done while being clean, I, you know, I'd used for quite a few years, but when I got clean, I I I started to fear that anxiety that that I first started feeling, you know, as a teenager, as a youngster.

It kinda came back and progressed, very quickly and, you know, my my kind of attitude was that, you know, if I could get enough, financial security or or or or enough enough prestige that these different forms of of insecure insecurity and fear, would vanish away. You know, but that just wasn't the case. I, I thought that, you know, if if I tightened my grip on, managing my life, if you like, that that that I that I would get by okay. And it that just obviously, you know, I was fighting a losing battle. You know, people wouldn't always do as I wanted them to, when I wanted them to, and I just find myself, I didn't realize that I was doing it at the time, but, you you know, I would, create situations where I left myself open to be hurt by other people.

And, I was just, you know, accumulating this resentment and self pity, which would always bring me to a place where I would crave some comfort from that. And, the thought would come back, you know, the obsession. I hadn't experienced anything else that could do that for me, given that comfort, apart from using drugs and that is what I'd always return to. So, you know, through desperation, I I I got to see that not only could I not control my drug using, but my thinking was a liability and, you know, what what I've done, through desperation, I found a meeting very similar to this one. I mean, I've been to other meetings and people have shared about, you know, the work that they had done to to get this power in their life, that enabled them to stay clean and to enjoy life, you know, something that hadn't been my experience, you know, for a considerable amount of time.

But, my self ruled attitude, I I just wasn't, you know, I wasn't really hearing it, but, you know, I hit a place of desperation, where reasonableness, kinda got beaten into me, you you know, through through that internal that that internal controversy. And, and that's exactly what I've done. You know, I got a sponsor, and with a sponsor that I had at the time, you know, I I remember the actual my actual change, and I said to him, you know, what do you suggest I do? I'll do anything that you suggest to to to get some reprieve, from, you know, from from this addiction that is totally controlling my life. And, you know, I I got given a program of practical suggestions.

You know, as Andy said, you know, I'd, you know, I've done well, when I was a kid at school. I'd like to think I'm a bit creative, but the reality is that, you know, I would really complicate the most, like, kind of simplest of, of things, you know. I got given written down on a bit of paper, very simple, half a dozen actions to do, and and I started doing them straight away and got the benefits straight away. I worked through the, 12 steps. I was guided through, by my sponsor, and, yeah, and, and, yeah, my life changed dramatically and has done.

I've experienced being staying clean to be an easy thing to do, and my life has improved, you know, in every area. And, yeah, I'm just very fortunate to to to to have a sponsor and, you know, and to being guided through through this, 12 step process. And, Yeah. And it's, really good to, yeah, be in my home group tonight, and, I'll leave you there. Thanks.

Mark. This is Jess. My name is Jess, and I'm an addict. Hi, Jess. Thank you.

It's, yeah. It's a privilege to be here. It's a privilege to be asked to do a job. I do the things that I do today not just as if my life depends on it, but because they depend on it, well because it depends on it, and, yeah I've got no problem with that. It's not hard what I do, the results are far greater than than I thought they'd be.

They were as I was promised, and then some, you know, yeah, I it was never ever my intention, to be an addict. It was never I didn't I didn't go out looking for drugs, they came along, and yeah, fantastic solution for a long time, you know, they they did for me what I couldn't do, they they shut my head up, they didn't make me worry about what I was doing, what he was doing, what this was doing, and you know that internal constant constant kind of analyzing and thinking stopped, and and it was a relief, you know, I don't know how how aware I was of that at the time, but I was definitely like yeah, life is easier when I'm musing. Yeah, various things happened and I stopped for a bit, but yeah, then then life happens again and and that internal dialogue started again, and yeah my solution the only thing that I knew that that would stop doing that was was using, so that's what I did. It doesn't really matter, I've come to learn what I used, how I used. I used anything that would make me feel different, that would make me feel better.

Yeah, I I heard someone say, you know, for a person who who cared a lot about what people thought of them, I also hurt a lot of people, you know, and, yeah, I was I was prepared to go to any lengths, and I did for drugs. I I was offered a place in an institution, and I got a bit more clean time than than I'd had before, and, to be honest that was a big novelty, you know, I got to this sort of landmark thing again. It doesn't actually matter, it wasn't an incredibly long amount of time, but it was longer than than I'd had before, and, yeah, the novelty of that was was good, you know, for for a couple of days, and and, yeah, I got I got to a place, you know, I'd I'd moved, I'd gone out with people, not gone out with people, tried religion, tried medicine, tried all these different things to to make me feel better. I wasn't afraid to say to anyone, you know, oh, my head's in bits, you know. I I never had a problem saying, do you know what I mean?

Help me. Never ever had a problem. I'd I'd tell anyone and everyone, and people who didn't care, people who cared. I had lots of people who cared, you know, I had lots of people who who wanted to help me, who, you know, gave me a lot of very valid advice, good advice, but, yeah these people weren't addicts, they didn't have the common problem that you talked about, they didn't, you know, their their best intentions weren't going to help me, you know, aside from the fact that I very often didn't do anything that they said. It wasn't it wasn't gonna help me, you know, and it didn't.

So, yeah, I had this this period of clean time, moved to a new town again, moved to a new flat again, and, yeah, the circle was repeating itself, you know. It wasn't it wasn't unusual for me to to be living in a place where I didn't know anyone, to just have got clean, meet new people, all of this. This wasn't, you know, this wasn't anything new to me, but yeah there was something about about knowing that I was gonna use a game that that wasn't alright, you know. I I knew where it took me, and I didn't want to go there again, you know. I I was under no illusion that it was gonna be any different, you know.

A lot of the times when I used I knew it wasn't gonna be any different, but I did it. But, yeah, I I think, you know, there was just something about having this, like, period of clean time that that made me think I can't do it. My experience of NA, I I went to a few meetings before this, and, yeah, I didn't hear anything that was said because I was too worried, too busy thinking, oh, should I share this? And, right, he said that, so I can can kind of add on to that and say this, and, oh, yeah, that happened, and, yeah, I can lie about that happening because that would probably be quite funny, and and do you know what I mean? Often the meeting finished, and and I haven't said anything.

So for me I didn't have the experience of coming around and and hearing anything really other than my my voice, and this was whether I was clean or not. But, yeah, fortunately, and and definitely god willing, you know, I can see now clearly, you know. I went to to a meeting very similar to this one, my sponsor's meeting, I was I was told about it, and, yeah, my intention was to get a sponsor before I walked in the door, to be honest, because I'd I'd heard from people who who were doing it this way, who were sponsored through that meeting, and and I was convinced, you know, I there wasn't there wasn't that kind of I don't know I don't know what the word is, but not defiance necessarily, but there wasn't, you know, there wasn't any resistance to it. I knew that my best thinking was completely flawed, was gonna lead to me using. I knew that me sitting here thinking about willing myself to stay clean wasn't gonna work for very long, and yeah, I was I was pleased to be there with people who knew what they were talking about, you know, I was convinced I didn't need convincing.

I wasn't told what to do, I was I was listening to what people said they did, and yeah that was fantastic. I was happy again to go to someone, here's all the pieces that I created and it's rubbish and help, and, yeah, fortunately I I did that with my sponsor who who didn't tolerate me going, but did tolerate me going help, and and she said, nice one, I've got a solution, are you willing to go to any length? And absolutely I was, you know. When when I got those suggestions I was arrogantly surprised at the simplicity of them, you know. I would have done more to be honest, and yet I will I wouldn't have been able to do more.

I'm naturally so so lazy, only when it gets painful enough am I willing to do something about it, it, and and it was really painful so I was willing to do a lot. You know, Andy sort of outlined them they're not they're not difficult things at all, not at all, and, and they need it to be not difficult, you know. It's I can't stick at anything. The longest thing that I've stuck at is using, you know. That's that's the one thing that I can say yeah I've done that for like a significant amount of time.

These things are ideal. They suit me very very well, you know. The the things that that I do go against what I do naturally. I'm naturally ungrateful, so I write a gratitude list, and it's it's doing things again, you know. That's that's something that that I found very hard to do.

I could quite happily sit there and go, yeah, in a minute, I'm gonna do this, and do this, and do this, and and nothing happens, you know? It's not good enough for me to to sit and think about praying, I need to be down on my knees praying. It's not good enough to to sit and be thinking about doing things, I need to be actually doing them. My life's a far far cry from how it was. I'm not immensely rich.

I don't have a car, la la la la, but but also my head is quieter than it's ever ever been, and that's nice. That for an addict of my description, it's nice to not have that constant thing. I've absolutely definitely got a solution. It was freely given. It's a pleasure for me to give it back to people.

Happy birthday, and thanks for asking me. Thanks, James. Nice to meet you, Sam. Yeah. Thanks, John.

My name is Dan, and I am an addict. Alright. And, welcome everybody, and, I'd just like to, thank the previous 3 speakers, identify with all of them. Absolutely. You all told my story.

I could really just sit here and say what they said and leave it at that. But of course, you know, I enjoy the sound of my own voice. And, but it's part of what I have to do. You know, I am, I'm not here to talk about as the people just talking there. No one's mentioned any particular drug.

No one's spoken, you know, at length about war stories, or consequences. You know, if you're in an NA meeting, you've done it. You know, we don't need to convince you to come to an NA meeting, because you're here. So we don't you don't need to hear a long catalog of, you know, drugs and needles and the police and death and blah blah. You know whatever.

You're here. You do not need to be convinced. If you need to be convinced by anybody you need too much. That's my experience. It's question of relating.

I'm not here to sort of lecture you or to kind of try and change your thinking. If you're an addict it's impossible. You know, I was absolutely sure I was right for most of my life. And there was no point telling me what to do. I wasn't going to listen.

It was irrelevant. I was going to pursue my way and I didn't care what you'd have to say. I would nod and I would smile and I could be quite polite at occasion and I could even turn up on time, once in a while. But I always had my agenda, and that was paramount, absolutely paramount. I was going to do what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, and what had to be done.

And, it was it was the guy, the people who wrote the steps in the beginning, one of them, he spoke about, he he decided to tackle life, and it was as though he'd built this wonderful weapon, with which to, you know, move forward. And this this weapon was fueled by drugs and, you know, had all these different bits to it, and arrogance and dishonesty and selfishness, and he was just gonna parade through life with this thing. But the thing about this weapon is it turned on him, and almost come to ribbons. That's my experience. Absolutely my experience.

I thought I was right. I thought it was the bee's knees, despite the the obvious flaws that I felt as Mark outlined, this self centered fear, I didn't really have to worry about too much because I'd just used some drugs and go away, You know, fantastic. You know, despite the consequences, despite what was going on, I didn't really I didn't care. The problem came at the end of my addiction, my active addiction, my use of drugs. I started to care.

Like Andy said, the bravado was beaten out of me. I I just couldn't, stick my fingers up anymore. I I felt that I felt a loneliness that few people will experience I believe. And, I kind of I seem to have basically two ways of dealing with the world. One was, angry, and the other one was miserable.

And I seem to oscillate between these two sort of expressions, if you like. I think I enjoyed anger a little bit more because it was accompanied by a bit of enthusiasm, Whereas misery was just, you know, it was the pits. As I said I started to care. I started to care about my life. I started to care where where it wasn't going, and, I had by this point attended various therapy sessions.

There's a history of doctors behind me, you know, from the private doctor to the sort of junior doctor at a drop in clinic in a state sponsored place. And it it I was never left with any impression that I have now I've got something in my life that's going to work. While I was sitting across the desk from a doctor, kind of complaining and explaining and analyzing and presenting, you know, new symptoms and new answers before we'd even said anything, I I felt okay. But as soon as I got out the door this sort of progressive feeling would, with each step, would come over me and I'd just feel more and more alienated. Whether I was using or not was irrelevant.

I'd just feel more and more lonely, more and more disconnected. I'd feel more and more miserable, and more and more angry. As I said, at the end of my addiction this changed. And I I was convinced that I was better than this. I was convinced that there must be I can't continue doing this.

I can't stop myself doing it. I can't continue doing this. And like Jess just spoke about, I ended up in a facility where I got clean. And I think you put it very well. You You know, I've got a bit of clean time behind me, it was novel.

I'd never had so much clean time. I left the institution, and the feeling that I've had my entire life that got worse and worse and worse was there in abundance. It was a terrific sense that of fear. There was like a huge weight above my head that was about to come crashing down and crush me. And, I knew how to stop that.

That was to go and use. And I and I just didn't want to. I I I knew I'd accepted what happens when I put a drug in my body. It was very clear to me, and Andy outlined this, you know, the the mental obsession leads to me using that first one, and all the rest is me craving, and trying to overcome a physical craving. Okay?

And I'm doomed. Utterly, utterly doomed, and I didn't want that. What I did because I'd had exposure to the good men and women of Narcotics Anonymous, I made a beeline from a meeting to do, to do what had to be done. I did this because, not because I thought you guys were really smart and clever and lovely and sexy and wonderful. I didn't actually like any of you very much, you know, but something stuck out and, it was a guy, a small guy sitting at his table who had come into the treatment center I was in and done some hospitals and institutions work and shared pretty much exactly what he shared tonight.

And I just thought, well, you know, he's happy, I'm not. You know, he's got something I haven't. I've tried all these doctors and medicine and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Let's just give this a go. You know, let's just give this narcotics and understand a go.

If it doesn't work at least I can turn around and say you lot of flicks were wrong, and you know, I am doomed. And I'll be happy in my damnation as long as I'm right until the drugs run out, and I'll wanna kill myself. And so I went along to meet, and I got a sponsor. I got the same list, that people have spoken about. Simple list of suggestions, or one suggestion broken down into 6 parts, and I did it.

And I was pleased that I when I got that piece of paper, I've still got it, stuck on the inside of, my basic text, I thought I've got the ticket. I've got the fucking ticket. Do you know what I mean? I'm gonna do this stuff and, it worked straight away. Now my life didn't turn round.

I didn't wake up at a palace, you know with a couple of women in the Bentley outside. That didn't happen. What happened was that I started to feel better. I started to have peace of mind. I started to feel present in the here and now.

I started to be able to look people in the eye, and think, you know, maybe they don't hate me. Maybe life can be a bit fun without me, you know, having to spend the 5 of breathing in and out. You know, I started to do things. That's why this meeting, well not me, this meeting is called interaction because it comes from a phrase in the MA Basic text which says good ideas and good intentions do not help if we fail to put them into action. I was put in action.

I wasn't trying to use my thinking. I wasn't looking in the mirror saying happy happy happy happy happy. I wasn't sort of trying to persuade myself to have happy, great, positive, wonderful feelings. I wasn't looking for self affirmation. I wasn't this was not about self help.

This was not rational. This was weird, and it was strange, and it was mysterious because it was essentially at the core of this was me praying to something I didn't understand, something called God, and, you know, doing something where somebody else I didn't actually know very well suggested that I do. I took the suggestions as directions for me personally. Simple, if I didn't do them, I didn't want what this man has, so screw you. You know, I did want what he had.

And, thank you, John. By putting these actions, I've got results. It's why I'm sitting here tonight, 5 years down the road. I'm here because of the results. I like the way this makes me feel, and this does go against my nature.

You see, my nature is a problem. I used to sit in meetings and say, there was something wrong with me, there was something in the way, there was something I didn't know what it was, there was something, there was something, there was something, and something. And, my sponsor turned around to me recently, but that's something, he said, that's something. You know what? It's your nature, and I can buy it just yet.

You're right. It makes sense to me. My nature is one of self destruction and self centeredness. So I had to change my nature. I don't know about you, but I think that's impossible to do without some kind of super power, some super superhuman thing.

I call it God. I'm not here to tell you what God is. I don't actually know. All that I know is I'm now sure of the presence of a power grid in myself in my life. As long as I do these simple simple actions and put other people first, I've spent most of my life being a selfish asshole.

What right have I got? You know, I need to I found a wonderful release from the bondage of self in putting other people first, especially in the, primesis of what this fellowship has to offer. Of course, I take this further, than than fellowship. I spent maybe 5 hours of my of a week in meetings, which means there's a 100 and whatever it is, 80 hours for me to to live life, with real, you know, gusto, in with normal people. And, what I found I'll finish on this.

What I found is that, like Andy, I don't have bad days. I have difficult days. I have difficult days. People die. You know, friends die.

Car crashes happen. Things don't go the way I want. Okay? But I I do not have to resort to the way that I previously did and help destroy myself. I think this is a wonderful meeting, and it's been great to hear you.

Thank you very much.