The OA Region 7 convention in Ocean City, MA

Hi, everyone. I'm Laurie, and I'm the compulsive overeater. Hi. And just to qualify, I'm, back to back how abstinent for 8 years, and I'm maintaining a 50 pound weight loss. Thank you.

And it's my in honor to introduce the speaker this morning. Victoria has demonstrated that she's somebody who's willing to go to any lengths to have recovery over this disease. Victoria is willing to drive over an hour regularly to find the meetings that she wants. She's worked the steps as they're described in the big book with enthusiasm and no reservations whatsoever. She calls her sponsor daily, turns over her food and her writings every day, and she has turned to her God with complete abandon, seeking the source of power and seeking the willingness to do this.

I wonder if we look at the general population in the United States, what percent of people would be willing to take these actions for recovery from this disease? I wonder if we look at the population of people who are dying of cancer. If they were told that they had to do actions like this and they could recover, I wonder what that percentage would be of people willing to take these actions. I don't know what those numbers are, but I do know that Victoria is an example of somebody who has this willingness. So let me give you Victoria.

Good morning, everyone. It's so good to be here. It's such a great morning. Beautiful ocean view room I had. And I had time this morning to sit and contemplate, and that's always nice.

I, I'm gratefully recovering from this deadly disease of compulsively overeating. I, am Victoria. That is my name. Hi, everybody. I have been abstinent since February 15, 2000 and this is 6, 2005.

And I'm maintaining an 80 pound weight loss. Thank you. I know it's it's not me. It's for the grace of God and the fellowship of Oreaders anonymous that I may able to not only, attain that abstinence, but I'm able to maintain it because I'm willing to pray and ask God for the direction and the guidance. And, I'm gonna just pass this around.

This is a before and after picture I have. And this picture here was taken at 1 year abstinent, and I had already reached, at 8 months, a 65 pound weight loss. So I like to point that out because sometimes, even though it's not really about the weight loss, it's nice to know that it can happen in, you know, between 6 to 8 months. So I just wanna thank everybody who put the, convention together. I wanna thank Jane Gee, who's not here for asking me to speak, my sponsor, you know, for all the happy familiar faces and for for all of you being here and the willingness that you all have to come and travel.

Many I know a lot of people I've met have traveled really far to to get here. And like Laurie had said, I had to be willing in the beginning to go to any length to do what I had to do. Because I I follow my, program through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I'm very grateful for. And and in there, it tells me so much about how to live my life. I really believe that if I was stranded on a desert island and and all I really had was the big book that I could remain sane.

I in the big book, it tells me how to interact with other people. It gives me a blueprint for life. It tells me what to do when I'm depressed. It tells me what to do when I'm happy. It it just it's it's unbelievable.

The stories, the direction, the guidance. And, one of the things it does is it tells me how to tell my story. It tells me to tell my story in a general way, what I used to be like, what happened, and and what I'm like now. What I used to be like was someone who couldn't get enough food, couldn't get enough love, couldn't get enough of much of anything. And, I went looking in all the wrong places.

And the one place that I found the most comfort, at that time was in food, before this recovery. I'd like to also say that I'm a recovering bulimic. That is what actually got me into OA, and I'm also a relapse survivor. And after I went into relapse, I really never thought that I I always knew the answer was in OA. I knew in my mind that I could find the solution in OA.

I just I I just couldn't get it. I just couldn't do it. I but early on in the program, I kept hearing keep coming back, keep coming back, keep coming back. And even when I went into the deepest darkest part of my relapse, when I wasn't physically going to meetings, I kept in my mind, I could hear, keep going back, Victoria. Just keep, you know, keep believing that at some point, I had to keep the faith that I knew that some point in my life, I would reach a place where I didn't depend on, you know, the next, raw retreat or the next exercise equipment that came out or the next diet plan or the next, you know, fabulous, you know, answer to to weight loss.

I just I and I'd sit there in front of the TV and in front of the infomercials and ordering the exercise equipment and ordering the pills and ordering the knowing the whole time that it was not gonna work and how many times was I gonna use those, you know, solutions that I thought were solutions. But to no avail, they all failed. I guess I started at about baby, they used to stick the pacifier in the sugar and stick it in my mouth, which and so I always think when that's probably when I really start to want more more sugar. And and that's when I I learned my belief system, as a child was, eat this, you'll feel better. You know, suck on this, you'll feel better.

Sugar, you'll feel better. So I and then I was about 5, 6, and 7. I used to walk to school, far walk, like a mile, and I used to get, like, a quarter. I don't know where it came from, but I can literally remember being in the candy store and picking out the candy that I wanted for my nickel bag. I mean, it sounds funny, my nickel bag, but it was full of candy.

But, again, the control that I had over, you know, the candy, I could picture the lady and everything. It's wild. But so from there, it it went into alcohol. I believe alcohol is all sugar and grain. You know, the grain breaks down into sugar.

So by the time I was in in that time, before I got to be 16, I was raised with 3 brothers. I was very physically active. So I never had weight on my body. Even, I was raised Italian Catholic, so there was all the Italian, you know, foods and delights and all the food groups that I do not, you know, that I choose, thank you, god, to not have on my food plan today. And, every Sunday Thursday was big Italian festivals and, you know, all those sugary things and the flowery things and I couldn't get enough.

But in eating all those consumptions of food, I I didn't gain weight. And, my father used to tell me all the time, well, you better watch what you're eating. You better watch your way. You're gonna wind up like my side of the family, which I never understood because I didn't know his side of the family. But they were Hungarian, Swedish women.

And all my life with my brothers, we thought we were German and Italian because my father was very physically abusive. So we used to call him Hitler. And so we thought we were German. It was not until his death in 98, we met my steps his stepsister that we learned we were not German. We were Swedish and Russian.

But when I and I finally saw pictures of my father's side of the family, the ancestors, which in that picture that's going around at my highest weight, I looked exactly like them. So I could see why he said that, but at the time he was saying it, I had no idea. So, I was physically active and I loved that adrenaline rush from being physically active. I can remember that from a young age. At 16, my household was very insane.

My father was an alcoholic. My mother was chasing him around. My oldest brother was married with a baby and was coming out. He was homosexual. My youngest brother was diagnosed with diabetes.

My other brother was a prodigal son. And I was just, you know, lost in the mix. The caretaker I I took on this role. I was the only girl and, the middle child. So I was poor me victim and caretaker mixed in 1.

And boy, would a lot I you know, a lot of therapy I went through for that over the years. But thank God today with with all these fellowships we have available. But anyway, so where was I? I? At 16, I left home.

At 16, you know. I I can't even believe I survived. So I left home, moved to Florida, moved back. When I moved to Florida from New Jersey, I was originally born in New York, moved to New Jersey when I was 13. By 16, I was in Florida.

I had done some aerobic classes. And man, that was like here it is. I found you know, again, not overweight. If anything, underweight. And, I love that rush again.

Moved back to Jersey for a while. Was always attracted to this aerobic. Went and got certified as aerobic instructor, moved out to California, again got into the aerobic, and all the while eating unbelievable amounts of food. I used to smoke marijuana. And if you smoked marijuana, you got the munchies.

And I would bake unbelievable amounts of food. It blows my mind that I was not huge. But in when I intelligently think about it, I was running 5 miles a day. I was doing all these classes. I was burning it off.

I moved back to New Jersey, in my 25, 26 late twenties, early mid to late twenties. And, I got involved with with a man who, had a fitness center. So I took over the aerobic end. And, I was engaging in a lot of, crazy behavior. And, my oldest brother passed away in 1987.

That rocked my world. It woke me up. It got me into, 87. That rocked my world. It woke me up.

It got me into, another 12 step recovery. 2 years into that recovery, I was at this point now, I had been doing a lot of bulimic behavior with the exercise. Then I had shifted because I used to drink so much alcohol at night, the The room would spin so bad that I had to throw up to fall asleep, so I thought. After I got sober, I was still purging. So I realized that, you know I didn't realize.

My sponsor at the time when I finally you know, honesty is, like, one of the big things in in recovery, which is okay now. It wasn't too okay then. But, but anyway, she directed me. She says, oh my god. You're bulimic.

I'm like, bulimic? I didn't even know what bulimia was. So I got into OA. This began my journey in Overeaters Anonymous in 1991. I walked into a room.

It was a gray sheet room. I believe it was Howe, gray sheet. And I was a 120 less pounds. I I I don't know. I was I be bopped in there very thin.

And most of the women in the room, that was mostly women, were overweight. And I thought, I don't what am I doing here? I don't belong here. But I felt something there. I mean, I already I already knew recovery worked from my other anonymous fellowship.

But there was something with the women that I was drawn to. And and my first there's no coincidence as God is so good. My first AA meeting was an all woman's meeting on honesty. But there was something with the women. And I'm raised with 3 brothers.

My mother's, you know, running around after my father. She I didn't learn any from my brother, I learned how to be feminine. But no, but really and then I went to cosmetology school and that taught me some more about feminine. But really, you know, you'd I you would think you'd learn it from your mother. But anyway, So, I, I lost my train of thought.

But anyway, so oh, women. So I was really connected to the women I and and that's another reason why I think I kept coming back because I always wanted to be part of, being liked by women or liking women. I was always engaging in some behavior where women didn't like me very much or I didn't like them. And my brother's girlfriend my girlfriends would want my brothers or something like that. And so, there was always problems with women, but that's what I felt connected to.

And thank God, because I don't know that I would've came back because, again, I was under a £120. I did not think I belonged there. So I started to recover from bulimia though. And I started to hear the slogans and I started to hear about, you know, keep coming back. So, I my my what I used to be like and what happened kind of blend together.

So I kept coming to OA. I stopped purging. I stopped really exercising, so I started gaining the weight. And, it I'd lose and I gain I get abstinent. I I couldn't find the perfect food plan.

You know, I was looking for the perfect food plan, the perfect sponsor. I remember going to to one meeting, finally surrendering to getting a sponsor and sitting down with her and coming up with a 1200 calorie a day diet. I couldn't follow that grace sheet. I was and I'd stick to it for a day or 2 and then I'd, you know, but thank God. And I went in and out of the bulimia stage.

I've been recovering from bulimia for about 8 years now. I just wanna throw that out there too. So there were periods of that in there. But the insanity of the denial and the delusion that I was in and the control that I thought that I was gonna fix this for myself, that I was gonna find that perfect food plan, that perfect sponsor. I manipulated sponsors.

I I manipulated my doctor into telling him that I had to have cheese on my food plan for calcium. And today I mean, I'm serious. And he he agreed and I, you know Anyway, so I'm I'm so grateful. But so I Obviously, by the picture, you can see going around, none of that worked. None of it worked.

I I needed to find structure and stability. My whole childhood, my whole life moving, coming, going was insane. It was never there was never any structure. There was never any stability. So I found myself 2,001 at an OA retreat at Mount Misery.

And, before that, it was funny because I had come back into OA. And again, I was in and out, in and out. And I remember sitting in there with gusto, and I had only I was probably, that I have an 80 pound weight loss. I was probably maybe needed to lose 50 at that point. I remember sitting in this meeting saying, I'm going on this raw retreat.

I got I'm going for 3 weeks and I'm gonna come back, you know, £50 live. I used to think that I could lose £50 in a week, you know. But I didn't realize it was all up here. The insanity is, you know, for me is in my mind. But so, I went on this roller sheet.

I woke up and drank wheatgrass every day. I don't know if you've ever had wheatgrass, but believe me, it's not pleasant. And then I'd walk 8 miles. It was and I'm here I am. And they're like, wow.

You know, because I would go to any land to please people. You know, I had to please everybody, make them think I was, you know, the star. And meanwhile, I'm dying by the end of the day and hide and they don't let you hide. They come find you. But I ate raw the the main meal of the day was energy soup.

It was green and blended and no the the good thing about it is no sugar and no, you know, no grain. But my first I did drop £21. My first day home, I was in a restaurant, ordering anything I wanted to off the menu. Thinking now I can reward myself, thinking, I did it for 3 weeks. I didn't realize that phenomena craving they talk about.

Because, man, as soon as I put it in my body, I was gone. And it didn't take time at all to gain the 21 plus pounds back. So after that is when I wound up at the 2,001 retreat. And I had heard some talk about this house stuff and, I didn't really know what it was and there were 3 meetings going on. I think one was on spirituality and I was into meditation and all this stuff.

That was another thing, denial and delusion. I thought because I was into meditating and I had learned about that in California. I went and did this, certification class on on meditative counseling and I was doing that. And I'm thinking I, you know, I got it going on and so I didn't need that. And the and the one one workshop was on how.

I was afraid of that. And there was another one on, I don't remember what it was, but I couldn't choose. So I put 3 little papers in a thing and pulled one out and it was not the how one. I'm like, thank you. Cool.

I wound up. Where did I wind up? In that that how workshop? I wasn't going there. My paper didn't say it, but and there I sit and I'm like, holy crap.

And I couldn't get up and leave because I wouldn't do that. So I stayed and I learned about howe and and I didn't learn much of how it works. And basically, today, I realized it's it's not it's just a little more structured, I guess. I I don't really see. Anyway, so when I left that retreat, I I found out about a meeting in Cherry Hill.

I live in Little Lake Harbor. It's about an hour and a half away. I'm like, oh. So I went there and I I was gonna look for a sponsor, you know, again, I'm willing, I'm raring to go and I found this sponsor. It was a it was a a guy sponsor and he was very funny and I thought, one thing I had in my life through all the insanity, all the abuse, all the nutsiness in my life was humor.

I really believe that humor and laughter is so healing, and we hear so much about that today. So I love this guy. He had what I wanted, But here I am in this big room like this and there's like 50 people on the sponsor line. They're up there saying they lost this and they maintaining it and they didn't just lose it on their body. They lose it and, you know, lost it in their head and the stuff between their ears.

And I'm like, that's bull I didn't believe them. You know, the denial and the delusion. I did not believe that they could stay abstinent, lose weight. I just thought it was all bull crap. My mind was so programmed to old belief systems.

And, but I kept coming back, you know. I I'm so grateful for that instillment in me. I'm so grateful for God working through me when I didn't really know that that's what it was. I wound up going to a marathon in between that time in Southern Ocean County Hospital in Manahawkin, New Jersey. And there was a woman up there speaking.

And she said, I didn't I wasn't heavy my whole life. So when she said that, she caught my attention. I started to connect with her. We became friends. She moved down to New Jersey.

We traveled all over the place. I'm speaking if you haven't guessed of Laurie, my sponsor. And, but, man, when I heard the kind of program she worked, I wanted it. You know, I was attracted to that kind of recovery. But I just something was like, I I didn't wanna surrender.

I didn't wanna give in to, the loss of control. Like I didn't want to give in to I thought I had to be in control. I mean, I had to direct my life. No one ever directed me. I always directed myself.

I always wound up in crazy. Like, I I ran away at 16 thinking I was gonna run away from insanity. Everywhere I went, I was left with myself. So sooner or later, I had to deal with Victoria. But anyway, so needless to say, I started working with her as a sponsor and I I didn't want this food plan.

It's no sugar, no flour, no volume. You have to call every day. You have to read the book book. You have to do the steps. I can't even breathe now.

I can't even walk to my mailbox and get my mail and I gotta do all this work. So anyway, I, I I went in and out of working with her and thank God she didn't put up with me. She taught me so much about boundaries. I needed to learn so much about boundaries. But, and thank God she did that.

She didn't allow me to manipulate her. She didn't allow me to poor Victoria, you know. Oh, you're having a rough time. So she wouldn't sponsor me. So I had to find another sponsor, and I scouted around and tried to find again the best sponsor with the food plan that I work with, left to no avail.

I'm at that 80 pound weight loss. Now, it's 2,003 in May, May 28th to be exact. And, you know, that, what weekend? Not Labor Day but yeah, Memorial weekend. And, as heavy as you see in that picture, I couldn't have been more, unhappy with myself, although I had 2 weeks of abstinence.

I don't even know what food plant it was. It wasn't Sugarflob. I think it was Victoria's Food Plant. But I was con I you know, I was considering myself abstinent. I remember being on the phone saying to somebody, I'm abstinent and I'm taking care of these 2 kids, which which I'll get to.

But so May 28th, I get this phone call at 9:30 at night. Can you come pick up your niece and nephew? There's a domestic dispute. And, I go pick them up and it's only for 15 days, turned into 6 months. Now it's 4 years later and I'm working on adopting them.

They're my brother's youngest kids. They both have, type 1 juvenile diabetes. And, it's been crazy to say the least. So in that 2 weeks, I'm like, I'm taking care of these. And on the other hand, I got my mother in the back room on oxygen who, thank God, she's not miserable.

But, you know, it's really not that pleasurable having her around. But it is too. I mean, I've done a lot of a men's work there, but anyway, but but anyway, so here I am taking care of these 2 kids, my mother you know, caretaker, care provider, Victoria to the rescue. Right? Everything on the outside looked perfect.

Really, it did. I was huge. I'd go to those plus size stores and find nice outfits, you know, so I thought. But once I got in that dressing room and saw myself, I hated what I saw. Nobody knew what was really going on.

I have meditative counseling practice over. The other flip side of that is I'm I'm in partnership with 2 women in one of those curve like for curves women for curves. This was called something else. This was going on in my life and, here I am the size of that picture looking like that. My mind, denial and delusion, like, I really thought that I was managing my life.

And one night, I'm in the kitchen. I used to I mean, I've done all those things that we do that we hear about meetings. You eat. After hours, you just keep eating, you can't stop. You know, frozen food, foods off the kids' plate, foods that they lie I lied about.

So I didn't eat that. I thought they didn't know. It's like, you know, walking around drunk and nobody knowing. But anyway, I did pass out from binging. I did I I drove and ate.

I mean, lucky I'm alive and other people are alive the way I would couldn't get to the food fast enough or, you know, shove it in my face fast enough as I'm driving. Very distracting when you're binging. And I'm in the I used to wait till everybody went to bed because again, I'm running this fine machine. Now I've sold my business. I've gave up my practice.

My job is to take care of these kids and make them alcohol free, violent free, you know, everything free of what I had experienced. I'm gonna break the cycle. Right? And I'm in the kitchen and I'm like, the picture you see, my mind is full of self loathing, self hate, fear, depression. You know, I was ready to do things that I never thought I'd do.

And I hit the floor on all fours. And I started sobbing. I said, God help me. Help me. I can't do it anymore.

And I don't know if it was 5 minutes or an hour later, but my sponsor who had been intermittently calling me that I did not I would get her message. I wouldn't answer the phone. I knew it was her. We have caller ID. I call her back when I knew she wasn't home because I knew her schedule from before.

Thanks for the call. And I'm again, I don't know if it was right after I hit my knees or an hour later, but she called and I answered the phone and I said, tell me what to do. I'll do whatever you tell me to do. I'm ready. And from that point that was in November, probably around this time.

I didn't get abstinent until that February. She told me, keep calling. Because I I was the type So now I'm getting into what I'm like today. I was the type that I couldn't If I picked up, I couldn't call my sponsor and say, you know, I would lie half day. Oh, yeah.

I was absent. Then all day I'd eat because of the lie, you know. So I got honest. You know, I admitted I was powerless. And for the first time in my life, I admitted my life was unmanageable.

That was the hardest part for me because on the outside, everything people are praising me. The kids are great. They you know, the the state system is like, this is great. These kids are great. Are you doing a great job?

The denial and the delusion that I got sucked into, it was, you know, enormous. But so I became willing I started praying. I started to do what my sponsor told me to do. Call me every day. I'd call every day with a food plan, not knowing I was gonna stick to it.

Most of the time I was calling saying, oh, hang on. No sugar, no flour, 4 3 meals. My abstinent I have a my abstinence is the only black and white part of my program. Everything else is great. I can make 4 phone calls, 2 phone calls, 5 meetings, 3 meetings, you know.

My abstinence is my food plan. That's it. I didn't know how I was gonna do that with the children on this plan. My mother eating this. You know, everybody's God, thank you that's their food.

This is my food, she taught me. She taught me so many great prayers. And and, again, these prayers didn't come from her. She didn't have all you know, they came from her sponsor and her sponsor. It's this generational sponsor line that I'm a part of.

Proud to be a part of. Proud to be sponsoring now. Pray for the willingness. She'd say, Victoria, just pray for the willingness. You know, I'd be there.

God help me be willing as I'm stuffing. It shifted. I kept doing what she told me to do. Didn't happen right away. Didn't happen overnight.

Thank God. I'm glad it didn't happen that way. But so my favorite prayers, God help me be willing until my head hits the pillow tonight. Use me to show the miracles prayer. I didn't wanna say that.

I thought that was like too ego y and and, you know, to look at me. I'm great kind of stuff. But today, I get it because of the 12 step. It's my primary purpose is to carry the message and I'm not really God is working me to carry the message. I really believe that God is doing for me today what I could never do for myself, so that I could carry the message.

I couldn't I mean, when when I hit the floor on all fours, I I was ready to, like, end it. I mean, who would've took care of these kids really? And, I mean, somebody would've stepped up. I'm sure. But so I admitted I was powerless and I admitted for the first time that my life was was unmanageable.

Therefore, I was able to come to believe that a power could greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I didn't get that I and, you know, I thought insane people wound up in insane asylums. So I didn't get that the insanity for me was in my mind, all the thoughts and the negativity and how you're gonna get through this and the denial and, you know, convincing myself that I was okay. I was so good at that. So, you know, I came to believe that that power that I was already very familiar with that it already helped me in another area of my addictive behaviors.

I thought, you know, we can work here. And I just started saying the prayers and I believed, you know, Victoria, there's a power greater than myself. I am not God. It talks so much in the big book and of course I had my big book with all these markers and everything in. But it's so good to just be natural.

But so anyway, and then I make a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God. And I'd listened to these tapes many years back and, the gentleman on the tapes shared that my will in my life is my thoughts and my actions. I could relate to that. So I make a decision every morning when I wake up to turn my thoughts and my actions over to my higher power, whom I just call God. God help me take charge of my mind.

I'm I go to bed. I do a 5 minute, you know, meditation or whatever before bed and relax and I'm such in this calm place. I wake up. I'm like, I think, what the heck happened through the night? So I have to start.

God, help me take charge of my mind. Direct me. Use me. Before I came out here, to speak tonight, I sat in the back and and I just prayed and I ask. I always pray before I speak and, God put the love in my heart and the words in my mouth to carry the message that, you know, abstinence is attainable and maintainable.

And that we have hope. There is hope. I I was so hopeless. And so now I'm feeling pretty grounded. I'm I got this higher power working for me.

By this time, it was into February and I had couple of days or a week or whatever of abstinence. Now I'm making it 3 days, 4 days. It was a miracle. That instilled my belief in God even more. Just one day, holy mackerel, one day.

So that got me into step 4. And if you've worked step 4, you know how much fun that is. So and my sponsor, we work the steps through the big book. Thank you, God. I'm so grateful because I worked the steps years before.

I didn't work them the way they're laid out in the in the big book, and they didn't work for me. You know, I'd work them from whatever step of the day I wanted to pick up, you know, and never in order. When you work them in order, it does really work better. So so forth. And I and I made the list.

And in the book, it says you gotta go back and make another list, you know. And that list is my stuff. You know, what did I have to do with it? It was too much fun blaming everybody else. I got to the part where, you know, what is my part in that?

How did I set the ball rolling? And thank God, you know, of course, because that has give me so much insight into myself. I was at that intimacy meeting last night and, what I got out of that was, trust. You know, I had to trust. Learn to trust in myself.

Trust in God that I could walk through this. And, and my my my part in most things is I have a high expectations of everybody and I had a hard time letting go of the past. I was holding on to all that crap from my childhood and stuff I've been in counseling. I mean, my big book was 5 oh, I think I've had 3 big books. 15 bucks, best counselor I've ever had.

I've traveled miles and spend book who bucks. Not that I mean, thank you God for every counselor I've ever had. I'm I'm glad they were in my life that everybody, I think, has a part in the pot. But, anyway, so learning about my part helps so much to change my life and to bring me so much peace. And then, of course, I shared that with my sponsoring.

What a great connection. What a great, bond that I have with her, you know. And that's not as, you know, it's not the same bond I have with I'll never have that kind of bond with my husband. That's okay, you know. I don't want him to know half the crap anyway that's in there.

Right? I mean, really. So But he and he thank you God for a man I mean, we had decided not to have children because of all the insanity in both of our paths. But, you know, of course, God had a different plan for us. And and thank God we had the marriage we did before the children came because I don't know that it would have withstood, what we've had to go through.

And that's the other thing, staying abstinent no matter what. I'm taking care of these kids. They're trying me. They got emotional problems, medical problem. Every freaking day, it's like, oh my god.

You gotta you gotta direct me. God, direct me. God, guide me. And it works. I talk about it with my sponsor and I have a network, you know, I make my phone calls and most of the heavy stuff I don't get into with with network too much.

But my sponsor, I I cover everything and I need to get that reflection back and remember to pray, ask for guidance. I mean, it's such a simple program. Rarely have we failed. You know, what whatever it says, rarely have we failed. Oh, you know that part.

I have it Yes. Right. That's it. I'm sorry. I'm like, you know, I used to go to AA meetings and I loved reading how it works.

I had it memorized for so long. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Thank you, God. So really, it's a simple program. I mean, I didn't think that.

I didn't I didn't get that. I thought, I complicated it. My mind, my thoughts, that insanity complicated it. And then I'd had to go to, you know, step 6 and just become ready. God, help me remove this.

You know, just wanna be ready to help God. And I was willing because I had seen the miracle that God was working through me and my sponsor and, you know, from what had been handed down from her sponsor. And and my sponsors, you know, have been staying abstinent just by the guidance that I'm guiding. I'm sure there's slips, and sure there's this and rough days and thank God for today. God help me be willing just till my head hits the pillow, you know.

And then step 7, I, you know, I write prayers for all the people on my list, my resentment column and just guided through my sponsor. And that helps now because there's still a lot of my family. I still and but thank God, the program has taught me to pray for them. I wish for them health, wealth, and happiness when they when I get caught up in here with them. And and that's not always easy to do because they're not doing what I want them to do.

There's no coincidence that page 59 to 72 has fallen out of my big book. That is, if you're not familiar, it's all I'm the director and I wanna run the whole show and how to work the 4th step. So it's interesting, but God is good. I'm grateful. So then 8 is we make the list and we become willing to make amends.

And and for me, that's been an experience and just becoming willing to make the amends. And again, the preceding steps and the you know, the relationship, the bond that I have with my sponsors helped me helped me to feel comfortable enough to do those things that I thought, you know, that I couldn't do. And and, of course, the situations just appear. You know, God, once I once I really have to be careful when I want when those words come out of my mouth that that I want God to help me because he'll help me, you know. So, and then, you know, with the making amends.

And then continue the the way the steps are laid out is just marvelous. And so the first three are about surrender for me. 4 through 9 it's 4 through 9 is about action. And then 10 through 12 is my maintenance steps. And I I work my 10th step and and just kinda review my day.

And and my sponsors taught me so much about that. You know, what is my predominant feeling for the day when I go to bed at night, you know, where I've I've been selfish, resentful, and do I need to have an apology? Or or, you know, what what do I need to do? And and some days I go to bed and I had I had a pretty good day. Amidst all the insanity.

You know, I missed of all the times throughout that day that I wanted to say f it and go. You know, really. I mean, even it's been like 19 months or I don't 22 months or something. And even still with this back to back abstinence, I still have those thoughts. I go into the local convenience store for a cup of coffee.

I see nothing. I mean, the apples are hidden. You know, you can't even find a piece of fruit. But, so I pray. Thank you, God.

That's not my food. That's not on my food plan. I have my food plan. Help me stick to it. 11, sought through prayer and meditation.

I mean, one of my favorite steps. And, throughout my day, I find myself just always going back to prayer. My sponsors helped ingrained in me because her sponsors helped ingrained in her as I will help to engrain in my sponsors. Prayer, you know, it really works. God help me, direct me, show me what to do.

The fear prayer, you know, in the big book, lift this fear, guide me, direct me. I'm so afraid all the time. I think it's not most of us are people that I talk to, we're all afraid. A lot of us don't talk about it. I I anyway, my story is a lot of times I don't talk about.

When I do, I'm directed in in in what to do to feel better and, of course, it's always pray, you know. My spine, pray. Pray. Like I get to a point like I wouldn't even wanna call her because I know what she's gonna tell me to do. But I will call.

Thank you, God. I'm in such a routine now. I call anyway. But, that's the addict in me that thinks that I can do it myself. And then 12, carrying the message.

And, you know, again, God has done for me what, I've never been able to do for myself so that I can carry the message. I love the serenity prayer. I put all the people in my life that I I cannot change. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I put people's names in there, places and things, because as much as I wanna change them I I mean, I used to spell family, f o o d.

You know, I just my family would trigger. I couldn't get around them without wanting to so thank God for the serenity prayer and, you know, the the courage to change me, the things that I can, the wisdom to know the difference. So the 7th step prayer, the 11th step prayer. I love Saint Francis's prayer. Guide me, you know, where there's despair.

Let me help people to have hope. And, again, I use these prayers and try I try not to inflict them on the kids and tell them they have to say them, but try to keep them posted around so they can be attracted to a healthier way of life and the fear prayer and just all the prayers my my sponsor helped me, or has taught me to come up with and, it's just been an awesome journey and I'm really grateful in one day at a time we, can do this for the rest of my life. Thank you for letting me share.