The Primary Purpose Group in Dallas, TX

Good morning. My name is Tom Pick. I am a recovered alcoholic. Am I supposed to just read you guys the big book tonight or something? That's how you train me, buddy.

I have been thinking today just how much I admire and respect the people in this room and in this group. And it's humbling to be up here sharing with you guys tonight. It's a big deal for me mostly because you guys are just you are everything I ever wanted to be in AA. And I had never run into a group of folks like that before in many years that I have been coming to AA. For those of you who don't know me or know much about my story, I started drinking pretty much at the normal age like 10 or 11.

And the social drinking stage is something I never got to experience. That never happened for me. It was hard to find other 12 year olds to come over and play games and get lower. And by the time I was 13 and 14, 14, I'm drinking every day no matter what. I remember as a little kid, as far back as I can remember, just being unhappy, dissatisfied, bored.

Early on, there wasn't any particular reason for it that I could pinpoint, but that's just kind of how I was wired. And I remember when I took my first drink and I got drunk, you guys all know the feeling, I mean that unhappiness went away. And I remember thinking, man, I am just I am going to do this a whole bunch. And I meant it and I made a decision, at least I thought I did and I pursued that. And it kind of freaked me out.

It freaked my friends out for sure. They were all pot smokers and they didn't think I was very cool because I wasn't interested in smoking pot and getting all paranoid and all this other stuff, you know, and I wanted to drink alcohol and I guess I was being a square or uncool or something. But whenever we went out and did something, it was always a little hard to have Tom around because I would have to try to buy some beer at the Walgreens or get something to drag along because they didn't have this stuff that they were offering me. It was so much easier to buy I grew up in Chicago. It was so much easier to buy pot and other stuff than it was to buy alcohol.

And so I had to work at it at first and then as I got older and then I grew my hair and I got the fake IDs and everything, everything was fine. But when I drank, from the beginning, I couldn't control how much I drank. I embarrassed my dad at his second wedding. I was 12 years old. I mean, passed out, bombing all over me, put in the camp, sent home drunk.

And there were just a 1000000 times just like that. Because of the drinking, because I was so focused on getting fixed, I didn't have anything left to focus on school or getting involved in family stuff or anything like that. And and I spent a lot of time out of the house. And for some reason, I I talked my dad into relaxing the curfew rules while removing them because he realized, I am just going to pick my own battles and this isn't what I am going to win, so we are just going to let him stay out as late as he wants. And as a courtesy, I would let him know where I was and when I was going to be home and I pretty much respected that.

I mean, he gave me a lot of leeway and I didn't want to blow it because he could always start curfew up again. I didn't want to screw that up. But things weren't going well and right before my 15th birthday, I got sent away to this long term residential treatment center for screwed up adolescents. And, the idea was they were going to I guess they were going to try to tell me that I needed to be good and go to school and stuff. I'm not really sure what I was supposed to get out of this, but the one thing that they didn't talk about and I didn't volunteer was this drinking problem.

It is something that never came up. It was more of a behavior modification program. You hit certain levels and stuff like that if you were good for a certain amount of time and got special privileges. And I remember I went there and my first night, it was on an island outside of Seattle in Puget Sound and I mean the kind of island we got to take a boat to get to. I mean, I am stuck.

There is no running away. And all I am thinking is, man, I have got to get drunk, and and I couldn't. I was I was unbelievably pissed, and, I mean, I was I didn't I didn't talk to my dad for, like, 4 months for putting me in there. And when I got out 16 months later, man, I could not wait and I didn't. I got started again and picked up right where I left off, never showed up at school.

Well, like I showed up at like the parking lot and sometimes in the restroom, but getting to class, I couldn't do it. I already missed so much school because of being in this other place that I was behind And and I felt different because I was, you know, I was defective. I was sent away to one of these places that some kids get sent away to. And so it lasted about 11 months then I got put in another place and between that short term place and the long term place that followed immediately after, no go home, no nothing, there was another 20 months out of my life that I was separated from alcohol against my will. And and and these are these are the most miserable times of my life, not being able to drink and and having to to to stay in these places and wander around with this with this spiritual sickness that I've got and and having all these people try to get me to, you know, sitting around with a group of people and and try to bring up my feelings and and cry in front of everybody.

Like, if we just get down to if I can just cry about my mother doing a terrible job raising us, being a hardcore alcoholic or I don't know, probably about some other stuff too probably. But if I could just do this, I could vent and I could purge myself of these bad emotions that are clearly driving me and causing me to be an underachiever and not reach my potential. Anybody here have potential? Potential is something you have when you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. Goddamn, I had so much potential.

And I was starting to believe in myself and I am like why can't I do this? I am a smart guy. Why can't I go to school and learn and get engaged in school and do my work? Why can't I sit down and write a paper? Why can't I take an hour to do that because my fricking head is on my next drink?

And even at this young age, this is where my head's at. This is what my whole life is all about. I'm I'm drinking on a daily basis. I cannot go to bed without alcohol. I can't go to sleep without it.

There's no way in hell I'm gonna put my head on that pillow and have to think about me before I go to sleep. There's no way I wanna think about how much my life sucks and how clearly there's no chance in hell that I am ever going to accomplish anything because I haven't so far. And I just knew on the inside that I never would. So, I get out of this other place and it's down in Austin, Texas. That's how I got to Texas by way of this treatment center and by that time, there is no way I am going home And I stayed in Austin, which was pretty much the scene of the crime for me.

After another 20 months of not drinking, of course, I pick up and it's just I am making up the lost time. I have got to keep up with present time. So I have got like 20 months to catch up with and the whole future of drinking altogether and I am trying my hardest. And what is happening is the booze isn't working anymore. It's it's starting to to not work.

And at this time, I'm working at the Austin State Hospital, which is a mental hospital in Austin. And I talked to one of the doctors there and I am like, 'Man, I have got this drinking problem. Can you give me something to help me quit drinking?' And he gives me some Librium. And I take the Librium and I think I went, I don't know, maybe like from 4 o'clock to 10 o'clock without drinking, something like that. The thought of not drinking becomes too much for me.

I absolutely cannot fathom going a day without alcohol unless I am in jail or something. I can't picture it. I don't want to do it. Deliverium, that's kid stuff, man. It didn't do much for me until I drank and then it it made the booze go a long way that night.

So at the age of 20, I realize that something is not right here and I think it's the and I want to quit. I hate what it's doing to me, but I can't live without it and I am feeling just screwed. I feel painted into a corner. And then I have got into some other outside issues that quite honestly, were very, very helpful when the booths quit working. I didn't know that I could actually quit and and be totally sober.

And so I I moved on to some other stuff to to fix that spirituality. And, you know, at the age of 22, I found myself in this treatment center up in Chicago, asked dad for help. He flew me up there. I went to this treatment center, did my 29 days or 30 days, got out, went back to Austin and I followed directions. They told me to go to a buttload of meetings, 90, 90, I don't know, 20, 90.

It didn't matter. I wasn't working. So they told me to just go to meetings all day long and that's what I did. I believe this stuff and how it made sense. It actually made sense to go to a bunch of these meetings and hear people talking about the war stories or how they got there, you know, just whatever.

Just go and stay busy and you will be okay. And this thinking through the drink stuff, it made perfect sense. If I can think through to the consequences of my drinking and God knows I had some consequences to to think about, I won't want that to happen and I will do whatever it takes not to drink. And so this became my doctrine. I am betting my life on meeting attendance and staying sober.

Now when I get out of this treatment center, I am feeling pretty damn good. I really am. I was £130 when I got there. I gained about £25 and I am starting to laugh again and there is color back in my skin and the meetings are pretty interesting and the girls are very pretty. The coffee was okay.

The parties were fun. I mean, we had a great time. And when I got started, even though we weren't working the steps out of the book, we were doing all sorts of made up stuff with real good intentions. And I remember I went to this detox meeting with this girl named Becky. I had, I don't know, maybe 20 days, 25 days, something like that, less than 30 days.

And it was on a Saturday morning at 9 o'clock, and we went and we took this meeting in there. And, basically, all we did was just kinda tell our story and try to make them laugh a little bit and give them a chance to talk and all this stuff. And so I went and it was pretty fun. I said, Becky, I pack them back next Saturday with you and she will share it. You know, it's hard to find people at 9 o'clock on Saturday.

Come on. And And she asked me to take the box of stuff that we used for the meeting and put it in my truck. I said, Yeah, no problem. I will take it. So next Saturday, I go there and I drag the box in there and I am talking to all the patients in the treatment center and Becky ain't showing up.

About quarter after 9, I am realizing I have got a whole show to put on here and I do my best and I throw some more stories out there and trust me, I have got some that could just hold your interest. And and I got home, and I tried calling Becky. We didn't have cell phones back then. And and I tried calling Becky, and I didn't get an answer. And I called Debbie who was her sponsor.

So I do know anything about Becky. She's like, yeah. Yeah. Becky got loaded. Like, okay.

So I went and did the meeting again and then I went and talked to the person that was kind of in charge of coordinating all the treatment center groups and the institution groups. And they're like, you know, man, that 9 o'clock on Saturday, that's a tough one to fill. Would you mind doing it? And I'm like, all right. And I did that thing for, I don't remember how long, year, year and a half.

And by that time, I picked up another meeting that I was doing on Friday nights with a dear friend of mine. We got sober about the same time, and she and I would go down and do this meeting on Friday nights. And then we had this Chinese restaurant that we went to afterwards and it was every Friday, man. I could just I could just count on it. I could set my watch to this.

And and even though we had no idea what we were doing and and whatever message we had, you know, was pretty weak and and and all that, We were staying sober and we were having a good time. And For those of you who don't know, I really abject for 17 years sober and I have been doing this deal with you guys and and I have often asked myself how in the hell did you make it before? Because I wasn't following the directions in the big book. And and, honestly, I I don't know the answer to that, but I think it has something to do with my at least being willing to go out there and carry some kind of message as screwed up as it was, I thought I was doing a good job. And those people who welcomed me when I first got here, they were doing the best job they knew how to do.

They just didn't know how to do it. We weren't following the directions out of the book. And yes, I am beyond human aid and I didn't have God working for me. I was saying the 3rd step prayer every day, but I wasn't taking the action. I wasn't taking the steps to clear all the stuff that blocks me from God.

And so so I was relying on human power and I swear these people to me were the next best thing to relying on God because they took me up, they loved me, they went to hell and back with me on a number of occasions. When I relapsed, these people of my home group up here, when I was in treatment, I never heard from one of those people, not one. And all those guys in Austin who I hadn't lived with in 7 or 8 years, man, I got message after message after message from those people. And and I I I love them to death for for everything that that they tried to do to help me. But but the truth was is is no one ever sat down with me and explained to me exactly what my problem was exactly what step one meant for 17 years.

I'm I'm languishing, not even know what my problem is. I didn't have a reason to take these steps because I didn't know what my problem was. I thought that step 1 meant that I've got a drinking problem and when I drink, bad stuff happens. Now think about it. You know the stuff I just told you about myself?

That's not a hard admission to make. Isn't there supposed to be a little power in step 1? There is no power to admitting any of that stuff. I got no power out of well, hell, I thought that I worked step 1 by getting a desirarchip and saying, my name is Tom, I'm an alcoholic. I thought that that admission was step 1 and I don't know, maybe it is, but I didn't know what I was admitting to.

I didn't know what an alcoholic was. I didn't know that when I put booze in my body, it triggers a physical craving that I can't control. It causes me to crave more alcohol and the more I put in me, the bigger the craving is. I had no idea but it sure answered a bunch of questions when I found this out. Why the hell can't I have just 10 drinks and stop?

What do you guys want from a brother? That's all I ever wanted to do, and I couldn't. I couldn't. I had no idea that my mind couldn't be relied upon to keep me sober because I believed what you guys said. I believe that if I think through the drink and it makes perfect sense.

It makes sense that if if you can think through to the consequences, you'll just say, god, that's bad. I'm not gonna do that. It just kind of makes sense. The truth is that when I first heard this stuff, I was 30, 40 days away from my last drink And frankly, I am feeling okay. I pretty much got what I came for from AA.

I got clear the booze and the goofy stuff stopped happening. That's what I came for. And so when someone would suggest the steps, I would see them on the wall, I would hear people talk about them or whatever, because it did get mentioned once in a while. I think I don't have to do that. And I am not trying to be oppositional or defiant or anything.

I just didn't believe that I had to do it. I knew it might be a good idea because I thought the steps were all about turning me into a good boy and having me kiss and make up with everybody. And I thought that's the reason why we did the steps. I had no idea why we did these steps. I had no idea that I have got a mind that can't keep me from the first drink and a body that can't keep me from the second drink.

I didn t get it. No one told me. We didn t talk about it. It never ever, ever came up. We just didn't talk about it.

And when I am sponsoring guys and I sit down with them and explain to them what their problem is, and I and I hit on it over and over, and then I I ask them to tell me what I teach me what I just taught them so I know that they got it. Getting them to do the rest of the steps is an absolute block in the park. Think about it. When you understand that when Step 1 delivers you the death sentence, which is what it is, remove all the steps and you just got Step 1, you are dying, you are dead. When they understand it at that level, they take the steps.

They don't have a problem with God. They don't piss them, oh, you know, God, you know, I have to pray to God. He didn't answer my prayers, and so I'm not going to trust Him. You don't get that stuff. It just doesn't happen.

I had no concept of God really when I came to AA. I prayed, I did the 3rd step prayer, I followed some suggestions as far as prayer goes and maybe that helped me stay sober, I don't know, but I did say the 3rd step prayer every day, not knowing, not really looking at the words and realizing I'm making a deal with God. God, if you do this, this is what I'll do. It's all about do this for me. I had no idea the commitment I was making when I was saying those words.

Someone give me the high sign at 10 I could go on all night talking about this. I'm in this treatment center down in Kerrville. When I was 22, when I went to the treatment center, my craving was bad and my mind's ability to keep me sober was good for 12 hours tops. Things were not good. I did not come in at age 22 on a winning streak by any means.

But when I went back out at age 40 and I started drinking again, I swear to God that craving was effing believable. It was unbelievable. It blew me away. The first thing that blew me away was that before I drank, I had this dialogue for a good half an hour in my head. I told myself what's going to happen if I drink.

I told myself what I was risking. I was risking losing my my wife, my kid, my business, my wife, my family, my friends, my sobriety date, which I cherish so much because it was all that I freaking had. I I stood to lose all of that and and I had plenty of time to to shut things down, and I couldn't. Freaked me out. I've never experienced anything like that in my life.

I I knew the mental obsession as well as I was ever going to know that from that one experience, from having that time and opportunity to take a turn and get off that path. And and I I wanted to not drink, and and I couldn't. Freaked me out. I thought all that stuff would keep me sober all that stuff that, that you guys well, not you guys, but those guys taught me to do. I I really really like I thought I had this thing licked.

I was, you know, for 17 years, I was sober. I hadn't drank, smoked pot, nothing. And and and I thought that that I had this lick. I I I was used to being sober. I was in the habit of being sober.

I figured, you know, hey, you got a habit going. You'll keep it going. It just kind of takes on a life of its own which is true until it doesn t. The groups I went to were mostly discussion meetings. And, for the 1st couple of years, it was it was actually kind of interesting, because some people came in with some pretty whacked out stuff.

And if for nothing but entertainment purposes, it came to coming back. But I got to tell you, after a while, I started getting really bored with this stuff. And after a longer while and I'm not talking weeks months, I'm talking years of of doing this. My meeting attendance was never bad. I was always good for 5 to 7 a week because I was afraid that if I didn't, I'd drink because everybody else that quit coming to meetings drank.

I didn't wanna be like them, and so I went to the meetings. And and and right around 10, 11, 12 years, I'm just I'm coming unglued. I can't stand the meetings and I am afraid to stop going. There is kind of a joke around here that we talk about in these discussion meetings, divorces and our cats dying and stuff. That cat dying story, that's a real story.

Blake was there with me. Stoney was there I think, at the time. We had this guy in our meeting whose cat died every frickin' Saturday. We had to watch this 27 year old man cry about his cat dying. And, man, I'm not talking like 3 or 4 Saturdays.

I'm talking months, just months. Something would trigger this little bastard. And most of the time, there was I don't have this. He has been to groups that have burning desires. Sure enough, man, that guy's hand would go up, and we got to work through this grief.

You know, it sounds funny, but when I was there, I was hating this guy. I wanted to kill this guy And I even went to his sponsor because I was afraid if I went to him, it wouldn't be good. And I went to a sponsor and I'm like, Buddy, what is up with this? Why why is he doing this? Can't you do something?

He's like, well, I I told him to do it. This guy's sponsor wasn't an alcoholic. He was a pot smoker. And somebody told him that it was okay to be an AA. Just tell him you're an alcoholic and not introduce yourself as an alcoholic and nobody will say anything.

Great guy. I've played poker at his house, done stuff with him and his wife. Nice guy, didn't get it, didn't get it. Even though I am not coming out of the book, I understand that time for newcomers isn't supposed to be taken up with us talking about ourselves. Think about it.

On Page 62, it talks about the selfishness and self centeredness, how we must be rid of it and it tells us what happens if we don't. It kills us. I take that seriously and it needs to be taken seriously. And if we love these people so much that we are allowing to bog our precious meeting time, talking about themselves? Aren't we exposing them to let this stuff kill them.

Why can't we say something to these people? You know, it's they're they're wrapped up in this self centeredness, in this selfishness. And then and then when you do say something to them about it, and I've done that too, they they come up with some lame ass stuff like, well, you know, I just I just felt I I had to show that so so that the new person in the room can know that, you know, you can go through anything and stay sober. I'm like, you know what man? They know that They know that when they come in and hear that people have been sober a month, 2 months, a year, 5 years, 10 years, they kind of connect the dots and realize that we probably stayed sober even in spite of life.

They know that. And for those of you who don't know that, you can stay sober no matter what. But this is what the stuff that I was hearing. We would have I'm doing this for the newcomer. And, Matt, I was driving over here and I was thinking about this stuff tonight, and I was talking to this group in Garland last night.

And I was looking out there, and it's it's kind of a rough crowd. And and and and it hit me like like a ton of bricks that that these people in in this group are are just like me. They are just like me. They happened to pull the short straw and and got sentenced to this to this group where all they do is talk about themselves and their feelings and their issues and their traumas and all this other stuff just like I did. You know, I wasn't, some kind of asshole because I was in the groups I was in.

I was in the groups I was in because I opened up the schedule, found the address and that's where I went. And frankly, I thought that that's the way it was everywhere. In fact, I have been to so many meetings, I knew it was like that everywhere because that was my experience. But the truth is there is a hell of a lot of people out there in Alcoholics Anonymous who are hurting bad, who who haven't been as lucky as I have to to run into you guys. And and I was I was sitting in the car before I came in and, man, you know, I'm on the verge of tears thinking about this stuff.

And, there is a part of me that gets really wound up over what's going on in AA. And I know I am preaching the choir here. We all know our failure rate is high. Our success rate sucks. I know we all know that.

And it and it breaks my heart to to think about these people who who come here for help like me who who didn't get it and and some of them survived. And and I gotta tell you, you know, I had I'm I have 15 years and I'm so sick and my spiritual condition is so bad that my wife leaves the garage light on in the garage and and it makes me crazy. And and one night, she left her down again and and I've got her up against the wall. I'm not touching her, but I might as well be. I've she is up against the wall, and my nose is about this far from hers, and I am screaming at the top of my lungs, 15 years sober.

And you know what? I couldn't help it. I was when when I got in that garage, it was so big that that I I couldn't tell myself not to do it. I tried to and that scared the crap out of me that that that this that I'm I'm I'm that sick. You see, I kind of accepted that, that I was gonna be sober and and depressed.

And I I pretty much thought that, you know, I'm I'm a depressed guy. I've been I've been seeing, psychologists and psychiatrists since I was 7. And I've spent 36 months in hospitals and I've seen a couple, you know, psychiatrists since I've gotten out. And I'm just a depressed guy. And so I'm think you know, I'm not thinking that that there's a whole lot I can do about anything at this point.

You know, as long as I don't drink, everything will be okay and all that all that other stuff. I'm thinking, man, I'm just I I'm just miserable, and I gotta find a way to live with that. And, you know, that that day came where where that, spirituality kicked in and and I had to fix it. I absolutely had to. I couldn't I couldn't not fix it.

And and I didn't know what to do as far as the steps go. So I'm down in this treatment center in Perryville after I'm not gonna go into the the gory details, but it was it was bad. And I ended up at this treatment center, and I'm not in good shape. And I'm loaded up on meds and I'm I'm wrapped in a blanket and scrubs and a couple of pairs of socks, and I'm freezing. And and I go to this big book study, and, you guys all know Chris Raymer.

He was doing this, this big book study, and he came up and introduced himself and told me to, you know, hey hey, buddy, you know, the bathroom is right over there. If you gotta get up while talking, no problem with me. Coffee is in there. Go get yourself a cup. You know, if if you find you got to go back to your room, let me know.

I'll call them to bring one of those golf carts up and they'll take you back to your room. Whatever we have got to do and I am thinking, no, what a kind man. So I'm like, no, I'm cool, I'm cool. And I sat down and I'm pretty much sitting upright or I'm not lying down. And he gets up and he starts talking and he starts writing stuff on the grease board and he starts talking about step 1 and reading out of his little blue big book that he carries in his pocket.

And he is saying stuff that I have never heard before in Alcoholics Anonymous. He is talking about the allergy and the phenomenon of craving. And even though I'm just I'm blitzed, I mean, I'm I'm stoned. This stuff is getting through to me. This stuff is getting right through all the bullshit in my head, and it's getting right down to my soul, and and the stuff is making sense.

And my eyes aren't working. But I am thinking, you know, when my eyes start working again, I need to see this big book. I need to go look at the stuff that he is that he is reading. And and I did and and and it was all there. And he is talking about Page 24 and all this stuff and I am taking it all in.

And for the first time in my life, I'm starting to understand what my problem is and why we even have to mess with these steps. You know, he's telling me I've gotta I've gotta get out of here and do the steps as quick as I can and start working with others, and and that's where I get scared. I'm like, you know, I got a history of not working the steps. I'm not I'm afraid I'll I'll continue to be like I am. He said, well, you know, you you might, but you're you're gonna die.

And I I had a talk with him, just a a private conversation with him. And I said, Chris, I I love what you're saying. I agree with it. It it makes perfect sense. But I gotta be honest with you, man.

This is gonna be tough. When when I when I go back to my group, I don't think I can I can get sober or stay sober there? I I really don't. And I and I I meant it. I really didn't think I could go back to that group and stay sober.

And and he said, well, you you probably can't. He told me the truth. He said, where do you live? And I said, Dallas. He says, well, I've I've got a place for you to go and and you'll be okay.

He told me about this group and he said it by name. I'm like, you know, I've I've heard of that group. In fact, Blake High, one of my buddies had told me about this group when I was still sober a few years before I I went back out. He's like, man, you've got to check this place out. It is the coolest.

I'm like, well, how? Why? He says, well, all they do is study the big book and nobody talks about their problems. I was like, oh, I love it. Where is it?

Midway and Raul. Well, I passed Georgetown and Addison and this group and that group and that group on the way there. Call me and maybe I will go with you some time. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference had I come, at that time. Maybe, maybe not, but I didn't.

I didn't come. But I remember Blake talking about it. And so the the moment I got home, I called Blake. I said, hey, man. I was just in this treatment center.

This is what they told me. This is what I've been learning. Is that kinda jiving with what you guys do? And he's like, yeah. Perfectly.

I said, well, tell me about your sponsor. Who's your sponsor? And he saw a guy named Myers and I said, well, that's that's Chris's brother. Right? He said, yeah.

I said, well, he's pretty cool. He's like, oh, hell yeah. And and he, you know, he's a great sponsor and he knows how to do this deal and he taught me everything I know. I was like, well, do you think he'll be at the meeting tonight? He was like, probably.

And and so I I'm thinking, alright. I'm gonna close this deal. I'm gonna I'm gonna make this guy my sponsor. And so Myers is chair of the meeting and and he calls on everybody to stand up who's able and ready to sponsor and the whole room stands up and he stays in his seat. I'm thinking, man, who else?

No. I'm not gonna let Blake spots me. Hell, I saw him come in. That guy is messed up. So I went up to Mars after the meeting and I introduced himself, and I told him what's been going on.

Hey, brother. You know, I I had 17 years, and and I'm scared to death. Can you help me? I noticed you didn't stand up when you called for people to stand up. He's like, well, you know, when I'm chairing, I don't stand up.

But but, you know, I'll I'll be glad to work with you. And and we got together, and and he went through the same stuff in the big book with me as as I heard Chris do. And and we sat down. We spent a couple hours talking. He qualified me.

He made sure that I was the real deal. It didn't take too much to get him comfortable with that. And then then we dive into the book, and he's saying all the same stuff all over again. It's the same story because he's reading the same words on the same pages out of the same book with the same page numbers and everything. There's no way to screw this up when you're following the directions out of the book.

And we start going through this stuff, and and we get on our knees after a couple hours in that, in that little room over there, and we do the 3rd step prayer together. And, man, I mean, I'm I'm shaking. I'm this is this is a powerful experience for me. I I didn't really understand the the full depth of step 3 until I started taking guys through it, but I knew that I just I just committed to something that that I'd never committed to before. And he gave me instructions to do the 4 step.

And I'm just like everybody else that's been to some middle of the road group. I thought it took, you know, 50 pages and 6 months to do it. I really did because that's what I've been told to do before, which I refused. And, not a good enough reason. And and he gave me these worksheets, and and he told me exactly what this was about.

This isn't about me writing my life story so he can get to know me better. This isn't about me confessing my sins. He doesn't give a he doesn't give a he doesn't he doesn't even he doesn't seem to remember anything that was on there except the 4th column, and that's what we're supposed to find out in this in this little exercise. What is it in me and about me that blocks me from God that's the only thing that can keep me alive? Because we gotta get rid of that stuff, And that's what this whole thing is all about is teasing out the stuff that's between me and God.

And when he when he when he put it to me like that, I was like, I am on it. I can do this. And I did it in about an hour and a half. And yes, I had the TV on and I was in front of the computer checking drug report and all sort of stuff, but I sat there and I didn't get up until it was done and it was no big deal. I I didn't run into any any snags where I had to stop and cry or any of this other stuff.

It was it was just it was just an exercise in the program of AA. And when we got when we sat down to do my fist step, there's no way in hell he wanted to spend 8 hours listening to me and then frankly, I didn't either. And we are going through this stuff and it's quick, man. It doesn't take much to point out to me how selfish I am or or how frightened or inconsiderate or anything like that. That stuff was crystal clear.

I didn't have to stretch my imagination at all. And so we did step 5 and and I went home and he told me to do the hour. You guys know the hour. He said and I'm not kidding, man. The book says do an hour, do an hour, not 55 minutes, not 45 minutes, not 65 minutes.

Do 60 minutes just like it says. Just do it. And I did it And I did it and I and I took a look at those things that it tells us to it, you know, we left anything out all that stuff No, I'm totally clean on this stuff. And I got down on my knees and I did the 7 step prayer, and then I started banging out my 8 step, the the 8 step list. It takes 10 minutes, 15 minutes.

I I recommended doing it before you're older because there is going to be more people that you harm. Do it while you are young. And and in the same conversation, he taught me how to make amends and and took me into 10, 11, and 12, and then sent me home that day with instructions to do 10, 11, and 12. And I would get the power I needed to do 9 while I was doing that other stuff. And it worked, And and it absolutely worked.

And I started sponsoring guys. I I went to the Salvation Army with Blake, and we went down there every Wednesday night. And I had less than a month and and, this guy asked me to sponsor. I'm like, yeah. I'll do it.

And they had these little sheets that you have to sign. You had to sign your name, put your sobriety date, and all this other stuff. And I called Myers the next day. I said, hey, Myers. How do you feel about people lying about their sobriety In order to to qualify to to sponsor guys, he's like, I think it's perfect.

He said he said, these these limitations were placed in us by man, and I don't think God's got any problem with you doing whatever you got to do to to sponsor those guys. He said, by the way, how long did you tell me you're sober as well? 18 years. Now, I have got the memory of a crack, baby. And I can remember my old sobriety date.

And so that's what I use because if they questioned me, I could pop it out. And and that's what I did. And I started working with these guys, and and I I can't tell you when when I would get home at night, I couldn't sleep for 3 hours. I'm so high on this program doing this step work with these guys, doing a 3rd step prayer with 4 guys on this nasty tile floor. I I had one night where I was doing 2 fist steps at the same time because that's that's just how we had to do it to get the work done.

I've got 2 guys. They're roommates. They like each other. I'm like, hey. Do you have a problem?

No. Do you have a problem? Now let's get to work. And and we're cranking this stuff out and we're getting these guys through the work. And and I am high as a kite on this program.