The Our Primary Purpose confernence in London, UK

It now gives me great pleasure to introduce our first speaker this morning, Emily Bee. Hi. I'm Emily. I'm an alcoholic. Man, it is so good to be here this morning.

And, you know, it's funny. This room is great. You know? Red velvet walls. I I haven't been in a red velvet wall room in forever.

Of course, you know, all of the memories come flooding back, but it's great to be here for another reason. And I always like those, you know, the cushions, thank gosh for those cushions, because that's where usually I ended up at night, is curled up in a ball on those cushions, after I thought that I had, you know, tore up the dance floor, and usually I was being lifted up off the dance floor. But, anyway, great to be here, and I appreciate you having me here. What a great topic our primary purpose. You know, primary purpose, to stay sober and to help other alcoholics, choose sobriety.

What a simple, brilliant concept, for an alcoholic. Seems simple in theory, but it took me forever to understand that concept. Forever. Because this alcoholic, which I'm sure that, like me, we we all are this way, and that's the beautiful thing, is that I want to be self sufficient. I didn't like that concept because it meant that we needed each other.

Uh-uh. Nuh-uh. I want to be self sufficient because I knew you could not rely on me. Too many people had tried, and I failed them every time. And I was scared to death to have to need you, scared to death, sobriety as well, which I'll tell you about.

You know, it's funny. For some reason, for so many years, I never caught where it says over and over and over and over again that self sufficiency will kill us. In fact, it doesn't just say, you know, it's not such a good idea. It says self sufficiency is the bone crushing juggernaut, whose final achievement is ruined. Now that's a hell of a statement there.

They weren't messing around. It wasn't like, Oh, you know, you might want to stay away from that, it could be a little bit painful. No bone crushing. Final achievement is ruined. They don't mess around.

But yet, even with those words, it was like, phew, right over my head. No, no, no, that doesn't that doesn't apply to me, you know, because of our uniqueness that we come in with. And I never understood understood that until I finally, after years years years, understood that we have a disease of misperception, things because I was drunk. I misperceived things because I was drunk. I misperceive things because I'm an alcoholic.

Booze and my body or not, I am still an alcoholic. And so walking around with a disease of misperception, left to my own devices, the world looks different through my eyes than through the rest of everybody else's. I see a completely different world. And I have to have your eyes to help me see the reality, or else I live in a constant state of illusion, of thinking I'm something that I'm not, either fantastic, out of this world, or crap on the ground that you'd rather step on. And and I have to have your eyes to help me see the world the way it is on a daily basis.

That concept crap out of me. But now, today, it brings me such comfort. You know, the reason that we have to have each other is because and, you know, and this is the thing. Do you ever read the book and go, oh my God, how'd they know? With It is Us.

I read that book and I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, when I first was reading it, I'm like, they had to have talked to my mother. I know they did, you know, Or they talked to my boyfriend, or, you know, or they got in there and they snuck in and got my diary. I mean, talk about the world revolving around me. Somebody's writing a book and they're gonna sneak into my bedroom and care about what's written in my diary, but, you know, that's another story. But, but you know, that's what goes through my head, things like that.

And you know that. That scared me at first, but now, how cool is that? You know my structure. You may not know the guts that are in between it, but you know my structure, and you know it because you are too. That's what's so cool.

No other place could you go into a room and say something like, you know, I want so I'm so scared that somebody is going to see me, while I'm so scared that somebody is not gonna see me. And everybody nods their heads and says, Yeah, I know exactly what you feel like. Nowhere else can you go except here. Because again, you know me. And you know me because we have the same character defects.

My sponsor always said, you know, I never apologize for reading out of the book, but I want to explain why. This book helps me know why, and who, and what, And so and I'm I don't have a memory that can memorize everything. So I love to read things from the book because it can say things better than I can. And when I was sitting there working, after many years, finally really getting down to the nuts and bolts of my character defects and really getting honest with it, My sponsor said, Why were you so scared to say the things that you think and that you feel, when they're all in here in black and white anyway. They're in here, yet I'm so scared you're gonna know them.

And it's like, you already do know them. They're in the book. Duh. You know? And that's what's so cool when I work with people now, you know, I can say, Yeah, I know.

Because it told me way before you came along. Because it told me that's how I am too. So what it says is, the chief character the chief activator of our defects has been self centered fear, primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail fail to get something we demanded. You knew that about me. Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.

Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands. And it goes on to say, the only way we can do that is to move out from ourselves towards others and towards God. Alright. And the reason for that is, for just so long as we are convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individual strength and intelligence. Now, how did they know I was gonna try to do that?

How did they know that? Because they tried to too. Just as long as we do that, for just that long was a working faith and a higher power, impossible. I can't have both. If I depend on myself only, my knowledge, my intelligence, there is no room for anything else.

And you know why? Because I'm the higher power. I'm the higher power. And I'm not, gosh, did I try to be, and what a disaster I made of it. Thank goodness you all were here to tell me what I was doing wrong, and that I'm not it.

But the good news is there is a higher power that is greater than me. That's the kicker, greater than me. I always thought, you know, like the pencheter that it talks about, you know, I was carrying everything, and if something happened to drop, I'd be like, Oh, yeah, oh, God, would you mind picking that up for me? Oh, yeah, this one's getting painful. Here you go.

You can take it. Then when it got a little bit better, I'm like, Oh, I'd like that one back now, please. Thank you. Not greater than me. I thought equal or, you know, like, to my side.

No, Emily. Greater than you. Greater. Thank goodness. But it goes on to say, this was true even when we believe that God existed.

Now, that's a kicker because I grew up as a minister's daughter, so I believed in God. But here it even said, even if you believe in God, God has to be greater than you to be your higher power, or else, you still are it. And it says, we could actually have earned we could actually have earnest religious beliefs, which remained barren because we were still trying to play God ourselves. As long as we place self reliance first, a genuine reliance on a higher power was out of the question. And how many times on a daily basis do I have to straighten that one out?

You know, but it's because it's my make up, it's my structure, it's what alcoholics do, and that's why we need each other. I need your eyes to say, Woah, wait a minute. What about surrendering? What about letting go of the outcomes and so forth, when I'm not doing it? So I have to have you as my eyes.

And the first time that I had you as my eyes was when I first walked into an AA meeting and I said I was an alcoholic. I had, at the time, taken hostage. I found an alcoholic that, actually could, like, work, and have a house, and drink as much as I could. Woohoo, mother lode, man. I found it, and I was riding on the skirt tails, and then he went and blew it.

He had a heart attack at age 26, from drugs and alcohol. 26, blew it, man. And he went into AA, went into, the hospital, they did an intervention. And then the intervention, I actually you know, this goes to show it's hereditary disease, and it doesn't matter where you grow up, and, you know, it's all that past that doesn't make us an alcoholic. Lot of taught about God.

Now, it wasn't what was seen on the outside, there's a lot of craziness going on in the inside, but a good, loving home. All 5 children ended up in rehab. My mom and my dad did not make me alcoholics by what they said or what they did to me. My misperception of what they said, and what happened around me, surely led to a lot of drinking, but it was my misperception, and, dag, when you go through that inventory, and you look at it and you go, Man, you mean all those actions that I did were based on because I misunderstood what somebody said at that time, and I thought they meant something? Wow!

What incredible patterns that we get to break because of that. But anyway, I walked into a meeting, and he had blown it, so I thought, Well, you know, maybe I'll try this thing because I can't stay, I cannot stop, I can't do things without drinking. I can't stop drinking. I had no desire to stop drinking. Number 1, that made me different from you.

You know, you had a desire to stop, I didn't. Well, now I realize all alcoholics love drinking, but we have to stop in order to live, and we choose life over it. But I didn't understand that a time. And I walked in, I said, okay, you know, if I can't go to a restaurant without drinking, I can't go through a day without drinking, I can't think of even going to a movie or anything without drinking, sitting in my home without drinking. Maybe, just maybe, I may have a problem.

If that means I'm alcoholic, I'm willing to say it. So I said, you know, Emily's first time saying, might be a possibility I'm an alcoholic. Woo. Everybody clapping. Alright.

Woo. Woo. Woo. And I thought you all are the most insane people I have ever met. You don't understand.

This is the worst day of my life. Not the best. And you said, and I said that. Y'all don't get it, I'm different, I don't want to give it up. And you just sat there, smiled, nodded your head, and said you understood.

You know, you knew something then I didn't know. You knew it was the best day of my life because I finally had a chance. You had something I wanted. I kept trying to get what you had through alcohol, through changing outside things, through, you know, clothes, and sex, and boyfriends, and this and that, and everything, if I just looked right, if I could just act right, if I could just have this. And you knew that's not what brought happiness.

Eyes. What a beautiful thing. That you were my eyes. What a beautiful thing. And slowly but surely, you started to shatter my illusions sponsor, You know, I don't think I'm like you all, all, you know?

I mean, this insanity stuff, I'm sorry, that's not me, you know? I've known some insane people in my life. Not me. And she said, Well, let's talk about it a little bit. And so she started saying things like, well, where in the big book do you find some connections?

Man, you all nail me with that intentions versus actions. You know, I wanted to be a good friend, but my actions surely didn't show it. I stole your boyfriends. I cheated on you. I stole out of your purse.

I stole your clothes. I, you know, so forth and so on and so on. One time I, wore my roommate's glasses, and she came home from work and she said, Do you know where my glasses are? My ego was so important to me that instead of admitting that I had borrowed her glasses, you know, so she could take her contacts out, instead of saying, Yeah, I borrowed them without asking you, I'm sorry, my ego was so big I couldn't say those words. So So I said, No, I'm sorry.

I don't know where they are. She tore the apartment apart, looking for those glasses. I sat back and watched her. She was working on very little money, and she went out and had to buy a $250 pair of new glasses. And I, meanwhile, walked out and threw them in the trash because my ego was so important, I couldn't tell her that I had borrowed them without asking.

Is that not insane? Is that not self centered? But I couldn't see it. You had to point it out to me. I couldn't see it.

You know, and it, when it says, you know, that incomprehensible demoralization, to me, I just thought it was because, you know, it's incomprehensible. It's so huge. No. It's incomprehensible. I could not understand my behavior.

I thought it was normal. And you all had to help What are some other things? I wanted to be a good sister. You know, but one time I went out, and the next thing I knew, you know, I was butt naked on a bear rug, having pictures taken of me. That's not a good sister.

Meanwhile, she walked home because I was too drunk to give her a ride. My intentions were not to do that at the start of the evening, but that's where my actions took me. You know, insanity, I used to lie. I would rather tell you a lie, you know, climb up a tree and tell you a lie, and then tell you the truth, stand on the ground. I would go out of my way.

In college I was telling girls, because I came from Louisville, Kentucky, that I dated Tom Cruise, you know? Boy, yeah, Emily, I'm sure you did. When he got married to Nicole, you know, I acted surprised. You know? And then I wondered why people didn't trust me, you know?

And then when I would actually tell the truth, I'm like, but it's the truth. Why don't you believe me? You know? Well, you told me that you dated Tom Cruise. What do you think?

You know? Oh, so many of them. I used to cut out pictures from magazines and put them in frames, and tell them people that they were people I knew. Talk about living in some illusions. One time, you know, she said, Well, what about, you know, what about relationships?

Well, I I was afraid that I was going to lose my boyfriend. Not because I was insane in my behavior, and getting drunk all the time, and so forth, and he was he can carry me home, and blah, blah, blah. You know, but I just thought it was because he'd find somebody younger and cuter. It had nothing to do with my behavior. So one night in drunk and stupor, I wrote threatening letters to myself and put them in my mail box.

And the next morning I woke up, and I didn't remember I had done it, and I woke up. I went to my mail box, and I was like, Oh my God, it's written in my roommate's handwriting. She's threatening me. And it said her name, it was her paper. And then I realized, Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This is what I did last night. You know? Oh. That'll bring a boyfriend running back.

Yeah. I thought that would get him right back to me. You know? The insanity. You know, 1 +1, I thought equaled 2,050.

It doesn't. You know? What I thought would, you know, would get the would get the results, which was just insane. And once I started putting them on paper, like she so wisely made me do, I started to see. You know, and then she said, The Lord's Prayer is, you know, Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, you know, holy be thy name and so forth.

Well, my last name is Howell, being minister's daughter. Every time we said this, the, the prayer in the church, I just always thought that everybody was saying my name, how will be my name, you know. She said, well, didn't you ever notice that people were were saying your name and not their name? I'm like, no. Talk about self centered in the world revolving around me.

You know, so you had to point these things out. And then of course, she said, What would happen when you drink? That was obvious. I'd walk away, people leave, you know, glasses on the table. I had to go back and drink them.

How insane were they to leave that alcohol there? You know, people would order Coca Cola during lunch. What? Are you crazy? Why aren't you drinking?

And then the biggest question that got me, she said, What happens when you don't? Because I would say, well, I can go without drinking. I did. I did a couple of weeks without drinking. And she said, but what what happened during that time?

Were you happy? Were you at peace with yourself? Did you get along with the people around you? Ah, you know that answer. Heck no.

I was irritable, restless, and discontent. When I didn't drink, I irritable, restless and discontent. That's the difference between me and a problem drinker. Problem drinker, you take the drink away, the problem goes away. Alcoholic, you take the drink away, and the problem has just begun.

And that was me. You take my drink away, boy, are you gonna get a problem on you. So you better just give it back. That's what most people did. Here you go.

Oh, sorry. And that's when I finally to believe. I love the saying, We come, we come to, and then we come to believe. I came to believe. I had to come first, and then the fog had to lift, you had to just keep smiling, just keep being my eyes, just keep pointing things out, and starting to shadow those illusions, and helping me see reality.

So I came to believe. And I actually went through and I cleaned up my past. I did the steps, I cleaned up my past, but you know what? You know, I did my 4th, did my 5th, looked at my behaviors, all the things I did when I was drunk. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But guess what? I'm not drinking anymore. You know the problem's just begun. I didn't. When we got to character defects, you know what I actually said?

I don't have any anymore, I stopped drinking. I thought that was true. Went back, made some amends, you know, did the hard stuff, I did. I actually went to make one of my amends, I stole from my company, Went back to the Gap and, I came, you know, I called from the, from the, mall. You know, we have malls in the US.

And I called from the mall and I said, Okay, I'm here. She said, okay. Go make your men's. I'm like, okay. I'm gonna go make my men's.

She said, okay. I'm like, I'm I'm going. Okay. Oh, my God. Do you really want me to go and do this?

You know? A minister's daughter. I thought it was like the bible verse, you know, where I forget who it is. I should know, but, you know, Mohammed or somebody goes to the mountain and, you know, and God says, kill your son. He goes to this, you know, mountain.

He's about to do it. He says, oh, I just wanted to know that you were a faithful loyal servant. You don't have to do it. I thought that's what it was about. And she's like, no.

Go on. Call me when you're through. Oh, man. Shattering those illusions, thank you very much. So I went through and I did it, you know, and I got up to step 12, brick wall.

Step 12, brick wall. And you know why? I cleaned up my past, but I didn't have my present. I thought it was all about just cleaning up the past. It's like the story when, you know, in a tornado, the tornado goes, and the farmer walks out and says, hey, Ma.

Great. The tornado's gone. And there's destruction all around him. I remember feeling that way when I first got sober. I'm like, don't people know I'm not drinking anymore?

You know, clean slate. Let's start over again. Everybody else is bruised and battered and, you know, the tornado has caused everything around. But that's what you all do. It's kind of like when you're drinking, you know, and you put that foot on the ground because you didn't know if the room was spinning, or if you were spinning.

You put that foot on the ground, you realize, Oh, the room's not spinning, it's my head. That's what you all do. I am a tornado, And I start to shrill, and churl, and churl, and churl, and churl. And talking to a sponsor, going to a meeting, reading the book is like putting my foot on the ground. Is it the world that is spinning or is it me?

And it's always me. It's my head. And you all ground me and make the spinning stop. And if I don't do that, then I start to then become the destructive around me. And then, once I stop, it's like, whoo, I'm glad that's over, and then you all go, oh, wait a minute.

You left some dead bodies in your wake. You need to go clean that back up. But now I don't have to do so much of that because I once it starts swirling, swirling, swirling, I can calm it back down again, because you're my eyes. You helped me do that. You say, you know what's happening, you see what's happening when I can't see it.

I love the sayings because that's what they do. I used to think, Oh, you all sound so, you know, great, you know. All these sayings that, you know, just sound so profound, like, One day at a time and stuff, and now I realize that's what stops my whirligig. I can be sitting there in a meeting or in, you know, out in the world, and I start to my head starts to spin. And just one saying, repeated over and over again, stops that manic brain going.

And it makes it stop because it sets my brain in a different direction, of something that's more positive, like, this too shall pass. One of the best ones that I've held on to, from my earliest Friday to now, was that I thought my feelings were real. I mean, my feelings are real, but I thought it was realistic of what was going on in life. So if I was sad, I thought that my life is sad. If I was angry, I thought I had a reason to be.

If I was, you know, depressed, I thought, you know, or felt, you know, panicky and fearful. I thought there was something in my life that was fearful. And you showed me, no, that's just your feelings. Just because you're you're scared, doesn't mean you have something to be scared about. Just means that you probably are interpreting something, or you're living in the future, or you're not staying that day, or whatever it is.

So over and over or my life is sad, and so, you know, I feel sad, so my life must be sad. And you've said, No, it's just a feeling. Look at all the good things in your life. You immediately stopped the whirl gig and set it right. What a beautiful thing.

So I thought though that that was it, that it was just cleaning the past. And so I I start, you know, I thought, well, cured, you know, graduated, you know, where's my cap and diploma and so forth. And about 4 years sober I stopped going I I slowed down going to meetings, and pretty soon then stopped. Stopped calling my sponsor, stopped working the steps. I prayed, but even after some time I started losing that too.

And what happened is, at 8 years sober, I sat on the edge of my bed, sober, wanting to die. Wanting to die. Because what I didn't understand is what you knew when I said it. I took the alcohol away, and I still had the alcoholic. And that's when you, once again, wore my eyes and showed me what went wrong.

And here is what Bill says. This came from a letter that he wrote that was published in, as Bill sees it. It has often been said of AA that we are that we're only interested in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive, but anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by firsthand contact knows that no true algae ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change.

I claimed up my past, but I hadn't changed. And old patterns came to grip me yet again. Booze in my body or not, I am an alcoholic. Goes on to say, we thought conditions drove us to drink. So I thought, well, I changed the conditions.

But that's not what it was. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, no matter what they are. And you know, at first it gets better, then it gets worse. Says, you know, at first it gets better, then it gets worse, then it gets real, then it gets good. It got better, because I stopped drinking, you know.

It got better because the tornado might have been going crurly, really in me, but at least I wasn't destroying the things around me. But then it got worse because I stopped. I stopped. I thought that's what it was, that's it, that's what it's about. And I stopped.

And what happened was I never got real. So I never got to the place where I could say, it is so good. I used to say, you know, I didn't get that new freedom, new happiness, and I knew it. At 8 years sober, I knew I didn't have that new freedom, new happiness that you have. And I would go, how did you get that new freedom, new happiness?

And they would say, oh, clean house, trust God, help another alcoholic all the time. Oh, okay. But no, really, how did you get that new freedom, new happiness? I thought it was a mental exercise. Check.

I get it. I didn't do it. I stopped at 12. I missed our purpose. I stopped at 12.

And you know why I stopped? Because I didn't have anything to give because I hadn't changed. And you knew again that I was going to do this, because surely, right into into action, it tells that some of us do this. It says, We skip the vital step of working with others. If we do this, we may not overcome drinking.

At time after time, newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives, trying to avoid the humbling experience. They think that it will make things easier. Having perceived with having persevered, excuse me, with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory alright, but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock.

They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only thought they had humbled themselves, but they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness, and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary. Until they had told someone else all their life story that continues and continues in sobriety. More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor to the outer world.

He presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation he knows he doesn't deserve. And at 8 years sober, that's where I was, I still was trying to act, you know, I would go I started going back because I thought, Oh my God, you know, I'm going to drink if I I'm going to die. I was dying inside.

So I got a sponsor. Okay. What am I not doing? I need to go get a sponsor. Okay.

So I got another sponsor. Didn't tell her anything. How's it going? Fine. What are you doing?

Nothing. How's it going? You know, I already worked the steps, so we don't need to do that together. That's right. You know?

Been about 5 years since I worked those steps. Woah. Dry drunk. Anyway, so, scary. You think it was scary to live by me.

You should've lived in me. Woah. But anyway, so, so at 8 years sober, she's giving me in the States, they the so sponsor stands up and they give you a chip. And she's standing up there giving me my chip and she said, Emily's got it! She's got it!

And I thought, those words have been the action. She lives a double life. She has the stage front of the reputation she wants, and meanwhile, she's dying inside. And I started to cry, and she said, it's okay. I know this is a wonderful thing.

And in my head I thought, no, you don't know. I'm dying. And it wasn't her fault. I didn't tell her anything. I need you, and I so badly didn't want to need you.

And so, I was sitting in my office and the woman walked in and she said, Emily, you're dying. Oh, my God. Where's the crack in the mortar? You know? And then all of a sudden, it just flooded.

The gates broke open, and it was the best day of my life. And I started to cry and I said, You're right. And she and this is somebody with 2 years of sobriety telling me this, and she's and she had more than what I had. And she said, if you don't do something, then you are going to die sober, if not drunk. And I said, I know, it's crushing me, but I don't know what to do.

And she said, Yes, you do. And I said, I've tried everything. My greatest power I've tried. And she said, God, Emily, you never got the first step. You are powerless.

If you've tried everything in your power, you have nothing. No wonder. And for the first time, guys, at 8 years sober, I took step 1. I said, help me. I don't know how.

Tell me what to do. I finally took step 1. And she said, the first thing you need to do is to understand you are not your higher power. At 9 years, guys, my new sponsor gave me my chip. Remember 8 years, they were saying, she's got it.

She's, you know, she's thriving, you know, and living life, and I was dying. My 9th year, the sponsor stood up and she said, Emily is a sick one. Man, she thinks she's her higher power. She tried, you know, that ism of sponsoring her, I sponsor myself. And she was saying all these things, she said, But you know what?

She's showing progress. And I went, yes. Finally, I have let somebody in. I thought that would destroy me. You know what?

It began my life of sobriety. I finally let you all see who I was, and you didn't go, Oh, my God. You said, Oh, my God. Sit down. Let me tell you some stories about me too.

You know? You already knew. I covered it for 8 years what you already knew. Everything about me. And you said it over and over in the book.

Bill says, I tried knowledge. So did I. He says, I tried determination. I tried self will. I tried fear, and nothing worked.

I tried those things too, and it didn't work. Just like him, he knew. And so I started working the steps, and I remember reading the 3rd step where it says, if I surrender, what will become of me? Woah. What another huge crack in the mortar of shattering those illusions.

My focus on others, he'll take care of it. So when I did my 4th, I didn't hold back. And man, what a beautiful thing. We looked at my fear inventory, all of those fears of I'm not enough, and I'm stupid, and I'm all of those things that I continue to make actions and decisions on, she shattered those illusions. And she said those, it may feel real, but it's not the truth, Emily.

This is the truth. This is the reality. And now I know when it says, restore me to sanity, it means restore me to reality through your eyes because you know you can see. I can see in you, but I can't see in me. You can see in me, but you can't see in you.

That's what makes it a beautiful thing. So in the 5th step, I learned, you know, looked at my fears, all the decisions I had made based on those fears, what's the reality of this situation, and how I could do it differently. And now I do that on a regular, regular basis. And guess what? Things have changed.

It's just as insane to think if I do something different, nothing will change. It does. I did it differently and it's changed. And this is again why it says. It says, in step 5, why I need you, it says sorry, As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self delusion had been causing us.

But we have to do that with others because we were still bothered by fear, self pity, and hurt feelings, so it was probable we couldn't appraise ourselves fairly. I'm full of those. Not because I'm a bad person, but because I am full of fear. That's what drives my self centeredness and so forth. And you help me then do away with the fear, so I don't have to make my actions and decisions this way?

But it says, until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical, unless I sit down and tell you what I have hidden. When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves. Then it goes on to say, what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking. It's garbled in my head. That's why I need you to be my eyes.

That's why it's our primary purpose, because on my own, self sufficiency will kill me. My primary purpose then is, in order to stay sober, help other alcoholics, because that helps me. The first time I went to sponsor somebody, I was 9 years sober. Took that long, but I finally started having something to give. And I remember I called and I said, Oh my God, somebody has asked me to sponsor them.

What if I'm not cool? What if I say the wrong thing? What do I and she said, oh my gosh. Emily, you still don't get it. This has nothing to do with you.

Nothing. Helping other alcoholics is not about popular, saying the right thing, being liked. It's not about you get loved. That's a bonus. It's about helping somebody else, being somebody else's eyes, so you get to see what's going on in you too.

And how many times have I had that realization of helping somebody else? I was doing a fist step yesterday. Somebody was I was hearing a fist step. And how many times I go, forgot about that one. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, my God. Wait. Oh, hold that thought. Let me write that one down. You know?

That's how it works. That's how it works. What a beautiful, cool thing. What used to scare me, now I can't live without. And this is why I continue to do it.

Bill wrote, Is sobriety all about all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? No. Sobriety is just the beginning. It is only the first gift of first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on.

Mine stopped. If more gifts are to be received, if I wanna find that new freedom, new happiness that you all have, my spiritual awakening has to continue. As it does go on, we find that bit by bit we discard the old life, the one that did not work, sober or drunk, for a new life that can and does work under any conditions, whatever, whatever they are. My life changed because I finally got real, and it got good. It got really good.

But it only could when I let you be my eyes. I remember my sponsor said, Emily, you have to let go of the life that you have planned so you can receive the life that is waiting for you. I have to let go of the life that I have planned, so I can receive the life that is waiting for me. What a beautiful, beautiful thing, but only through your eyes. Last thing I wanted to just say is There is a story Oh, here it is.

Can it work? Sorry. I'm on a little note. So I said, I can't keep anything in my head. That's why it's because you wouldn't want what's in my head.

There's a story to me that depicts what our primary purpose is. It's called, The Wise Woman's Stone. A wise woman who was travelling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream, worth a lot. The next day, she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him.

She did so without hesitation. The traveler left rejoicing in good fortune, for he knew that stone was worth so much, it could give him security for a lifetime. And she freely had given it to him. Now, if I had stayed at 8 years where I was, that's where my story would have ended. Thank God it didn't.

Because I thought it was the outside precious stone, that would fix me. And so I was off and running, saying, I've cleaned up my past, and I'm off and running, you know, and it didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. Thank goodness the story doesn't end there.

A few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman. I've been thinking, he said. I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back to you in the hope that if you can give me something even more precious than this expensive stone, give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone under any conditions or circumstances. That's what you have done. Our primary purpose, we will, through that, it's promised, comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.

Thank you so much.