The Our Primary Purpose confernence in London, UK

Thanks, Alan. And, let me start the tape. And with that, it's gonna be great pleasure to introduce our first speaker this evening, Karl Bee. Good evening. Wow.

What, what an honor it is to be to be asked to speak here at the, 1st, London Primary Purpose Convention, and I'm absolutely terrified. I can assure you. It's, it's the first time I've, it's the first time I've ever done anything like this, with such a big, such a big crowd, but it but it really is an honor. And, you know, to just to introduce myself, I'm I'm Carl and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Carl.

Hi. And, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, and, I'll try and, tell you what how I understand what the the primary purpose is is is all about as well. But, I come from an alcoholic family. My, my mother and father are both alcoholics. My father died of complications involved, with with drinking.

My mother's in recovery today, actually. But, you know, very early on, I I can remember seeing that, drink caused trouble in in my family. And, you know, I made a conscious decision in in in those days to to never end up, you know, like like my parents, really. You know, little did I know that I'd end up, you know, at the gates of insanity, and, you know, in a lot of trouble, you know, suffering from a a a, you know, a serious spiritual malady, which, which nearly killed me. But but I first started drinking when, I, joined a local rugby club, and it was it was fantastic.

You know, I absolutely loved what, what alcohol did to me. You know, it lit me up. It took away the fears that I felt, and, you know, it made me, the center of attention. You know, it, it enabled me. It put me at ease, and it made me feel very, very comfortable, and it was wonderful.

And, you know, from those first few drinks that I ever took, I thought, you know, I'm gonna I'm gonna use this stuff to to to the best advantage. You know, I didn't there's a possibility, you know, that I'd lost controls, in those very, very early days, but, you know, it was always that, you know, that I'm in control. It was always that me in control. But if I look back, at those early days of drinking, I can see that, you know, a couple of drinks was was never sufficient. You know, I always had to drink more.

And, you know, I understand today that that's that that physical allergy to alcohol. You know? If I drink alcohol, you know, the phenomena of, of craving develops. You know, I have to drink to get drunk, to satisfy that craving. And and in the early days of my drinking, that was only, you know, you know, it would only be 3 or 4 pints.

But it progressed, it developed, the illness developed within me. And sort of some some good examples of that that physical allergy to to to alcohol that that, doctor Silkworth talks about in in in the big book, in in the doctor's opinion, is, I was at college, on a day release with a with a with a with a good friend, and we'd go to the pub at, at lunchtime, and we'd have a couple of pints. And, in the afternoon, you know, I just could not concentrate on my lectures. You know, all I could think about was was was going back to the pub and drinking. And, but my friend just he was fine.

He he he'd have those he'd have those drinks and, you know, he he could he could concentrate and get on with his lectures. And it was just for me to do that. This was back in in in the early nineties. And, so I realized then that, you know, that's physically different. You know, I didn't think too deeply about it and didn't understand it like I understand it today.

But, you know, the next time we went to the pub, you know, because I I knew I had latches in the afternoon, I wouldn't drink. And my friend would, you know, say, come on, Carl. What's wrong with you? Why don't you have a couple of pints? And I just couldn't do it.

You know, I just knew that if I if I had those 2 pints, you know, you could forget about the course. You know? If I if I'm drinking 2 pints, every day I go to college, you know, I'm just gonna get those lectures done. I just knew that. I you know, and that's before I ever started really getting into serious blackouts.

That's even before I started getting into a lot of trouble. I just, was physically different to to a normal drinker. And I understand that today. You know? And and and the other part of the illness, as I it is is that mental obsession.

Very, very early on in my drinking career, I started to drink on a daily basis. You know, I'd I'd go down to the pub in the evening and I'd drink 3 or 4 pints. And, I can see, you know, I could even see at the time when I first started drinking that, you know, it wasn't too wise to be drinking on a daily basis. You know, I wasn't I wasn't stupid or thick. You know, I could I could I could I could read I could see on the news and I and I even did, an essay on it at at college, you know, the effects of alcohol.

That that it wasn't too wise to be drinking on a daily basis. And and and and and I always said, well, tomorrow then I won't drink, and and and tomorrow I won't drink, and and and tomorrow I won't drink. And this went on for 15 years. You know? It really did.

And such was that that little subtle insanity just before, you know, that occurred to me every day. You know, I'd I'd I'd I'd go, you know, I'd drink on it, you know, every day. It was either in the pub or or with friends or or socialising. Whatever it was, you know, I drank on a daily basis. And I think the only time that I didn't drink in those 15 years is when I had tonsillitis and I couldn't even hold water down.

You know? If I could have held the booze down, I would have done. But I just, you know, I was too ill. So that that, you know, just shows you, you know, that that mental obsession that I had and it just went on and on and on. You know, 15 years, the binges that, you know, maybe I was experiencing at the beginning of my drinking career, you know, 3 or 4 times a year began to become monthly, and then they began to become weekly.

And then those binges were every single time I picked up a drink. And, you know, the physical and mental suffering that I used to go through was was pretty horrendous. And, you know, it never never deterred me from drinking. So I went on and, I think, you know, it all came towards, ahead, and, my girlfriend who I've seen at the time suggested route and and even tried total abstinence. Abstinence.

And I was even prescribed an anti craving drug called Camprel, by by, by a psychiatric nurse. And, you know, maybe I stopped drinking on a daily basis now, but at the weekends, you know, I pick up on a Friday, and I wouldn't put down till till a Monday or Tuesday. And, you know, after 4 months of, of making positive steps to do something about my drinking, you know, it's it's all it's all ended in in in more trouble than I'd ever been, when I was a daily drinker. You know? And in those 4 months, it's actually, you know, the the illness progressed, even though that even though I wasn't drinking on a daily basis now.

You know, every time I picked up, it it was it was just chaos. And, it ended up with me being charged, for drink driving 3 times in 3 months, getting suspended from my job. You know, by this time, my friends had stopped inviting me out to to to social events because I was just a pest, and, you know, it was pretty horrendous. And, you know, during that time, you know, in some in some circumstances, I was actually discouraged by professional people from going to Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I I was told by professional people, that I wasn't an alcoholic.

You know, I I can remember vividly, a psychiatric nurse who who I paid privately to see me, telling my mother and my uncle that I wasn't an alcoholic and that I shouldn't go to to to AA, you know. And and and whilst I wasn't completely honest with this guy, you know, I did tell him I was drinking between I did tell him I was drinking between a 100 and a 150 units a week, you know. If isn't alcoholic drinking, I don't know what is, you know. But but there you go, you know. I do believe these people, who I saw had my best interest at heart, but but but they clearly didn't have the experience of of being an alcoholic themselves, which, you know, is is the thing about Alcoholics Anonymous.

After after losing my job and being in looking at a prison sentence for my 3rd drink driving offence, I went into a treatment center, and it was, at this treatment center that I was, introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, I can remember going to my first meeting in, in in Altrincham near Manchester and absolutely hating it. You know, I really didn't think I should be there. You know, I was I was in the treatment center to to hopefully help with the mitigation against a prison sentence. And I and I thought, you know, this is quite possibly the worst place.

You know, it's it's game over. I'm in I'm in a meeting of AA. And I looked around the room and I judged everybody. And I hate and I hated them all. And, and and and in the treatment center, it was a 12 step program in in in the treatment center.

And I was introduced, you know, and I was told to get honest. And I was told to put action in. And and, you know, I just was not prepared to go to any lengths at this stage in my life. And and that fear, kept me, you know, encased and and and not being honest. You know, I just could not be honest.

I just, I felt if I told anybody about how I really drank that I'd just be completely rejected. And, you know, I had a very arrogant attitude. And and for 4 months in AA, I attended lots of meetings, and I kept picking up. I could maybe stay sober for for for 2 or 3 weeks, was the sort of record I attained. And then I'd pick up, and it'd just be worse than ever.

You know, every time I picked up, it it was worse than ever. I did hear, people in in the rooms talking about God, and and and it really did put me off. You know, I had I had I had no concept of a higher power, no idea about God, and and and and I wasn't prepared to try. You know? I wasn't I wasn't desperate enough yet.

And, you know, with with the attitude in AA, you know, things got worse. I I wasn't, you know, I thought I was above, making the tea. I thought I was below making the speeches. You know, it was it was I was between a rock and a hard place, and it was it was it was a horrible place to be. It it was very, very scary.

And I can remember waking up every time after a binge thinking, how did that happen again? And, you know, it was just horrendous. And, I remember somebody I remember meeting somebody in in in a meeting, not too far from here actually at, at Bexley, where I come down to work, because I couldn't work in the Midlands anymore. Because, you know, I I had quite a high profile job, and I've made a real a real mess of things up there and couldn't get another job. So I had to come down south to to help you a lot out.

And, I was I was attending lots of meetings and, and picking up, you know, picking up a drink, and it and it was just horrendous. And I can remember meeting somebody in, the Baxley meeting, and and and they gave me the telephone number and, you know, said why don't you give me a ring? And after I'd had another binge, I I did give this guy a ring. And and he and he said to me, he says, you know, Carl, I know exactly how you feel. And and said, have you tried praying?

And I thought, well, that's a pretty novel idea, you know. I I heard people talking about it in AA, but no. You know, I had a couple of sponsors by this stage as well. I wasn't, you know, I didn't put any action in with these sponsors, but but nobody suggested to me that I tried praying before. And I didn't think, at the time, it was a particularly good idea.

But after I'd been on an on another horrendous binge, an unplanned binge, you know, I didn't I I really didn't want to end up in in the trouble that I ended up in. And, you know, I woke up absolutely desperate. And, you know, I thought and those those words rang clear in my head, you know, get on your knees and pray. And that's exactly what I did. And that was the 29th August 2001, and that's the last day I drank.

The person that suggested that, that I did that became my sponsor. I went into a treatment center for for the final time and came out with a firm resolution to to to get honest, you know, to be rigorously honest and to change. And I and I knew it was through the the 12 steps that I'd change. And, you know, I I I went to see the the guy that, had offered to sponsor me and, you know, made it very, very clear to me that it was up to me to put put the work in. But it helped me all the way.

And that that was the, you know, that was the beginning of my my recovery. And, it's just been a wonderful, wonderful journey. It really, really has. Through desperation, this is, you know, it wasn't wasn't one day that I woke up with a great idea. It was it was one day I woke up absolutely desperate.

And and I've woken up desperate many, many times before after these binges. But this time, I did something different. And the difference this time was getting on my knees and praying. And I prayed to, a god I had absolutely no concept of. You know, no no faith in well, tiny tiny bit of faith this time.

You know, clearly clearly was a little bit of faith this time because what I did was was put that little tiny bit of action in. And and that desperate prayer, you know, over 4 years ago, I believe, proved has proved to me to be the loving hand of God. You know, I I believe, today that I'm a I'm a recovered alcoholic. You know, that that mental obsession that that can condemn me to drink, when I just didn't know when it would strike, you know, has been removed. Very, very early on in my recovery, there was a couple, a couple of, of shaky moments when, you know, I was I wanted to drink.

You know, the the the madness was upon me, if you like. And and on it on each of those occasions, I prayed and and I didn't drink, you know. And and that's the difference, I believe, for me. You know, I made contact with this power that I've never ever made contact, with before in my life, and, that's what, you know, that's what kept me sober. My sponsor took me took me through the steps, and, you know, and and through the steps, I had a spiritual experience.

It wasn't a profound, you know, it wasn't one which happened, you know, a flash of blinding light or anything like that. I had a a profound personality change, which which occurred over over a matter of months and and and still is it. You know, I believe it's still happening to me now to me now. I believe that that that I'm changing all the time. I'm I'm changing, from the the the person that walked into Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, I'm I'm growing every day as as I put action in every day. And it it is it's a wonderful, wonderful journey. And, you know, I hope people people come away from this convention maybe understanding a little bit more about, our primary purpose and and maybe understanding a little bit more about how to get better, how to stay better, how to sponsor people, and, you know, go away with with hope and faith. You know, and and those those are the wonderful things that I've gained from Alcoholics Anonymous is is is hope and faith because, you know, I walked I walked into AA, absolutely hopeless with with no faith in in in myself and and no faith in life, really. And and I have those things in my life today.

You know, the the 12 steps have undoubtedly made massive changes in my life. I I was I was 6 months sober when I took, suggestions of my sponsor, and I and I 12 step my mother, and she's in recovery today. She's 4 years sober. She sponsors people. She's in service.

You know, the the changes in in my life, not just just in me, are just massive, just just enormous. And and and it's powerful stuff, you know, this this these 12 stops are powerful stuff. And to tap into that power, you know, it's through the 12 steps that I've tapped into that power. No other way. You know, I've not tapped into into that power by praying to God, reading the Bible, and going to church.

I've tapped into that power by doing the 12 steps. It's just as simple as that. You know, I have great faith in that power today. And and and I believe that this this power is available to each and every one of us. You know, you do the 12 steps with honesty, open mindedness and willingness to put the action in.

You you will have a spiritual experience and your faith will grow. My my faith is is powerful today. You know, it's my faith is over 4 years old. My faith is, because I put the action in on a daily basis. You know, my my sponsor not only has taken me through the steps, you know, he's also given me lots and lots of advice on on my my growth and and maintenance of the spiritual experience that I have.

And and if there is anybody, in the room who's new and doesn't understand, you know, all this mumbo jumbo talk about the word, you know, spiritual, which I keep mentioning, you know, don't don't be don't be put off by the word spiritual. You know, I didn't understand the word spiritual until I experienced it. And and spiritual, for me, is is keeping in touch with that with that higher power and and helping others. I, you know, I understand very, very clearly what my primary purpose in Alcoholics Anonymous is today. You know, it's to it's to stay sober and and help others.

It's just as simple as that. And, you know, it's wonderful. I've been sponsoring sponsoring guys for about for about 3 years now. I got my first sponsor when when I was 12 months, sober, and and he's sober today. And, actually, I don't know whether he's in the crowd today, but he's he's gonna be down later, for the convention.

And to to play a very, very small part in somebody else's recovery is is such an honor and such a wonderful thing. You know, we're we're not sponsoring him anymore, but, you know, we're we're good friends today. I think I sponsored about, about 20 men, in in in the last 3 years, and and I would say probably 10 of those people are still sober today and are enjoying a good recovery. And, you know, it's it's a wonderful, you know, it's wonderful to to to be a part of that and and to help other people and and see them get better. And and that's all part of my, you know, that's all part of my spiritual path.

That's what keeps me in in touch with that higher power, is working with others. You know, part of my program is is daily prayer, but, you know, the most powerful thing, for me is is the work that I do with other people. You know, I'm a recovered alcoholic, and and, you know, if I, you know, work with other people, that that recovery just gets just gets stronger and stronger, I believe. You know, AA to me is just just, you know, it's a bridge to normal living. I have, you know, I have a wonderful life outside, of Alcoholics Anonymous as well.

I have a good job. I have a driving license back now. You know, I have good good friends and and and my relationships with with with family are all wonderful because I've repaired them through through the 12 steps. You know, if it wasn't for the 12 steps, you know, I don't know how I would have approached these people. And a good example of that is is is 2 of my best friends, told me I wasn't invited to their wedding about about 5 years ago, you know.

Through the steps, you know, I repaired that relationship, and asked me to be god to be godfather of that daughter, which was such an honour and and and such a wonderful thing for somebody who thought that those those things in life just weren't available to him. You know, I was such a hopeless, hopeless drunk full of, you know, fear and resentment. That that fear and resentment is is manageable today, you know, through the through the 12 steps. You know, I know how to manage my resentments today. I can see how, what an what an angry person I used to be.

I can see how I was crippled by fear. And, you know, that that that fear is slowly being replaced with a faith. You know, and that's not just a faith in my higher power. It's a faith in myself and it's a faith in other people. You know, when I came into AA, you know, I hated myself and I didn't trust anybody.

And, you know, today, I feel like a normal person. You know, I can I can I can go about my business, whether it's in AA or or outside of AA, and I just feel like an ordinary guy? And, you know, that is a life of my wildest dreams to me, to be able to to enjoy peace of mind and and to be get on and to get on with my life and get on with other people is, is just an absolute joy. And it's all thanks to AA. You know, I'm very, very grateful to to Alcoholics Anonymous, the the 12 step program, and and my sponsor who who put so much, you know, effort in into my recovery as well.

And, you know, you know, I'll just repeat, you know, I believe this is is available to anybody, anybody who is willing to put the action in. You know, get yourself a sponsor, get stuck into these steps, get yourself a home group, get into service, and and you too can have exactly the same experience that I've had or or or even better. You know, I'm I'm sponsoring guys now, and and they're getting recovery very, very quickly. And they're getting better recovery than I had. You know, in in my early days, you know, I I was cautious and I took my time.

I've got sponsors now getting through the steps in a in a matter of months, in fantastic recovery. And, you know, I'd like to give a a big shout out to my to if there's anybody in the crowd that knows me and and a few other people that have have come down with me today. You know, it's such a such an honor and wonderful to be part of other people's lives. And, you know, that that that's what that's what it's all about. You know, I I I clearly understand what my primary purpose is today.

I go to Alcoxon anonymous to to do service, to to carry the message, and hopefully pick up, you know, a guy to work with. You know, I don't go to Alcoxon anonymous to dump my problems. I don't go to Alcoxon anonymous to, to for social life, you know. I I have I understand that primary purpose and, you know, it it I don't wanna get too controversial, about AA. But, you know, there there clearly is, you know, a big proportion of people in AA who who don't understand that primary purpose.

And and, you know, a lot of people try and carry this message and this program by word-of-mouth, and and things get watered down that way. And that's why, you know, that's one of the main reasons why the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written. You know, this is my understanding from reading, Language of the Heart, you know, Bill Wilson's writings, in the Grapevine. You know, the book was written for that purpose of of of the message not getting misinterpreted. And we have a message today which is misinterpreted.

You know, people, you know, I've got a watered down a watered down message. And and, you know, I I personally believe that that that we're turning the tide, though. You know, I think there's pockets of of recovery around today, all over the country and and even all over the world. And and it's wonderful to to see that, wonderful to to be a part of that. And, you know, I think I think we're just about coming up to to time, so I'll leave it there.

I'll, thank you all for listening to me. I hope people go away here go away from here with some hope and some determination to to to carry this message, and and thanks for listening to me. Thank you. Thanks, Carl. We're gonna have a short break.

15 minutes. Seated again for half past 8. Okay, guys? Thanks.