The Our Primary Purpose confernence in London, UK

Look, all every scurry. They're not gonna curse me. They're all the same people that like boxing. You like somebody else to get their asses whipped, and you get to watch. That's good.

My name is Chris Raymer. I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic. Recovered alcoholic. I am I am delighted to be here. I, oh my gosh.

You know, so many things in my head. I speak around a lot. A lot of y'all got CDs and stuff or places I've spoken. And, Myers and Alicia both, we all get to travel a bunch and and get to most of these places where we speak, you know, we can't wait to get out of there. You know, I gotta tell you.

You know, because it's like swimming upstream. You're you're talking about the solution and you've got a bunch of people out there that are not anywhere close to the same page and they're all taking exception, and you dread the breaks. You wanna go out and smoke, but you don't wanna go out and smoke because you know you're gonna get your ass whipped out there. And, you know, you go in the bathroom and somebody taps on the shoulder. You know?

If you got a minute, and it's like, oh, shit. Here we go. You know? I my hands are kinda full right now, but I'll and you know what it's gonna be. You know, they wanna take a shot at you.

You know? Well, I think, you know, I think you're a bit I think you're a bit you know, it's like coming into this fellowship this last few days is is, it sounds like I'm patronizing. It's if you you can't sit in these rooms, like we have the last couple of days and listen to the sharing that's been going on and and, and not be affected, not be, the cool part of us all being on the same page, heading pretty much in the same direction. It's, what am I trying to say? Thanks for your hospitality.

Funny, but you are amazing. I, you all don't mind if I get rid of this, do you? Okay. Would it matter if you said yes? Cheers.

I, I'm a mad dog. You know, I, I'm I I drank like a mad dog. I did dope like a mad dog. I I, I had a reason for everything I did and an excuse for everything I did. And, you know, I come into the fellowship and and I got sponsored after playing with this for 7 years.

I finally landed in a room of big book thumpers, and I got sponsored in pretty strongly. And and, I only know one way to do this program. And I know this everybody's not on the same page. If if there's one little thread that's we've all talked about is that the heat that some of y'all are taking in your meetings for carrying the message of hope back in and bringing your big books and talk. You know, one of my my first sponsor was actually a just a friend of ours in in the fellowship, and he said, Chris, it's perfectly okay to be excited about recovery.

You know, this guy set me free. He he gave me permission to get excited about recovery. I mean, we we've got a fatal illness that's killing us. Right? But we all want to go in in this guise of humility and, you know, humbleness.

You know, we're gonna share very quietly and meekly. And, you know, I don't know. I don't want to offend anybody. No. Buddy, all I'm here to do is share my experience.

And my experience is my experience. I can't change it. You know, a lot of you guys have heard my CDs. I'd like to change my story so I could give you something new, but, you know, it's just my experience, you know. And my experience may be different than your experience.

I know there's people that come into some of these middle of the road meetings, and they appreciate the loving sharing that they hear, and the honesty. And and I was so moved, and I've been sober ever since. And you know what? That's your experience? Buddy, welcome.

How cool is that? That was not my experience. You know, we all come from a little different path, you know? And I mean, I needed something with a little more meat to it than that. You know?

I I Jesus. I don't wanna offend anybody. I know everybody's well, go get them, Chris. Piss them off. You know?

So that's no. Because I gotta sleep at night. And I know, you know, yesterday, somebody came up and and took exception with this recovered bit. You know, Chris, well, you know, it's it's you know, doesn't that separate us from other people when we introduce ourselves as recovered alcoholics? And it's like, you know, I got a little quick with him, and I apologize for that.

It's it's like I get so tired. There's just so there's a few things that are always controversial. No matter where you are, what country you're in, it's controversial. Introducing yourself as a recovered alcoholic is controversial. That's what the book tells me to do, but that's controversial.

Why? I got a friend in Houston that says, Chris, you know, it's a pisser that we have to feel out of place in our own fellowship. The book is the is the program. There's the fellowship and the program. If you can get sober just in the fellowship, how cool for you.

I'm goofy. No. It's good. I'm not I'm not gonna take a shot at you. Gray is good for you.

Mean, everybody thinks if you don't do it our way, then you're wrong. Buddy, if you're sober and you're happy, that's great. My experience is sitting around this fellowship for 18 years watching so many people dry one stupid day at a time, miserable, and they think that that's okay. And I'm here my sponsor says it all that I smell more. And I'm here my sponsor says it all that I smell more.

My sponsor says it all that I smell more. If I have to just not drink one day at a time and think that that's this is about, I've missed the boat. There's so much more. There's the wonderful speaker we had this morning. You know what?

Bless her heart. She's dead on. There's there's more. I've watched people years in the and my story will attest to it. Miserable.

Further I get away from a drink, the worse I get. And unless there is the spiritual experience, I'm gonna come apart at the seams. I don't it's not okay to sit in these rooms and be miserable. It's it's it's and that's what I did all my life. I sat on the parithia and watched life happen, and then pissed and moaned because it didn't go my way.

You know, and and what this fellowship has allowed me to do is get dead center in the middle of this thing called life. And I get a chance start doing the cool things that I always wanted to go do. And I want that for everybody. And I stand up from podiums and I pull people with a vision and I explain to them how this can work and happen in their own life. I don't know where God's taking this room.

I don't know where I Alicia said it yesterday. How many lives are going to be changed by the people sitting in this room that have the guts to stand up and say what needs to be said in some of our meetings. I'm not saying, guys, I don't want to paint a picture. I don't I think I can speak for Myers and Alicia both. I don't think any of us want you guys to go out there and get bloodied in a meeting.

If they wanna do it their damn chicken shit way, let them do it. If if they wanna stay sober on slogans, rock and roll. I needed something a little bit more. I needed something a little bit more than just the fellowship. I needed a program that was gonna fix me.

I needed a program that was gonna change me at a cellular level, so that I could start enjoying this world. We think this is some kind of a freaking dress rehearsal or something. You know, I didn't get sober till I was 35 years old. I know I hear people all the time, you know, we shouldn't regret the past or, you know, wish to shut the door on it. I gotta tell you, folks, I have 20 years of drinking and drugging and I wish to hell I had those years back because I pissed off a lot of time.

I wasted a lot of time. There's an urgency about me, and there's urge I don't know. We we we do this thing called life one day at a time. That's what the book says, and I don't know where I'm going to be tomorrow. I don't know.

I want to get squeezed everything I can out of this business, and I don't want to have to fight this stupid disease to get there. You can recover you can recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. Recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. Treatment centers are the ones that started that crap. We'll always be recovering.

The ones that started that crap will always be recovering. They they they were. They did. That's a fact. Why?

It's better for business. I want you to get okay, but not too okay. I may need your money later. In a vision for you in the back of the book, Bill Wilson is talking to doctor Bob, and I've I've started a lot of talks with this because it is so, appropriate. It it says, you know, doctor Bob had a pretty good understanding.

He he knew his ass was on fire. He knew he was in trouble with the alcohol, but he said, he didn't really understand what it meant to be alcoholic. See, there's a big difference between being a problem drinker and somebody suffering from a genetically And And and it's so easy. You know, my first AA meeting in the in the early eighties, I went in and they said, Chris, are you do you have a problem with alcohol? And I said, yes.

I got a half quart of beer in my pickup truck floor. Yeah. Welcome. I sat down. I said, Well, shit.

That's it? No. That's pretty cool. Because that's what we hear in treatment. That's what we hear in our meetings.

So the first step is the is the is the admission of of being an alcoholic. You admit you're an alcoholic. You're you're it's you're there, and that's not my experience. We we have a treatment center. There'll be a 100 patients in this auditorium, and we'll be talking to the patients and doing big book.

Alicia works with me at the hospital, and we get a chance. And I ask them, how many of y'all think you're alcoholic? All the hands are up. Well, so we also do follow-up calls on the patients after they leave treatment. So we know how many of those buckaroos are gonna fall flat on their ass the 1st couple of weeks they're out of treatment.

50% within 30 days. 50% will percent within 30 days, 50% will be drunk. But they're the same people that raise their hand. Oh, I'm an alcoholic. They're liars.

They're liars. They do not believe they're alcoholic. They'll readily admit that they got a problem. They will not admit that they are an alcoholic. They will not concede to their innermost self that they have a disease.

They will not concede that they are truly powerless over this substance, Because the ones that finally concede, they get sober and never look back. And that's the coolest. It's the toughest piece. Bill Wilson spends 50 of the first 164 pages explaining what the first step is about. And if there's a mistake that we make in our fellowship today, it's that we do not focus on the first step enough.

We do not qualify the newcomer. We get them in here and we think our job's done. No. Now we have to teach them what this disease is about. Alcoholism and drug addiction is not causal.

The speaker this morning so so beautifully pointed that out. It is not caused by external circumstances. Those external circumstances can exacerbate the problem. They can exacerbate the problem. They can make it worse.

It does not cause it. That is a fact. And if you're trump card, because trump card because that's what you'll continue to throw down to the day you die for the reason that you can't stay sober. Let me tell you a little bit about we grew up down on the hill country. Myers and I did.

Dad was an alcoholic and drank a bit. He was a periodic and, nicest man you'd ever wanna meet. And, he's passed away now. Alcoholism killed him. And, I've got a little sister and a half sister, beautiful people.

They were not alcoholic. They've never had a problem sitting with Thanksgiving dinner a couple of weeks ago in in in, in Texas, and, you know, they they had the same the mimosa thing and then, you know, little champagne and orange juice and cheers, you know, and everybody was drinking. My mother still, 18 years sober, she still says, will this will this bother you if I do this, if we drink a little? Yes, mom. It will it might trigger me.

If I never heard that ridiculous term again, it'll be too soon for me. Oh, triggers. It's another treatment center crap. Little sister took a little sip, drank, sat it down, walked away. That was it.

She freaks me out. We laugh about all the time. That's alcohol abuse right there, buddy. That can fucking move in. Suck it up, baby.

It's free, hon. I don't know what to tell you. I've seen her. I I I was we Myers and I were squashed at her wedding. Lisa, did you know the drinks are free here?

It's her wedding. You know, it's, yeah, I know it. She said, you want another one? She says, no. I'm I'm already starting to feel it.

No shit. So am I. You want another drink? She's not like me. She is different than me.

Everybody want jeez. Alcoholism is a phenomena called craving coupled with a mental obsession. And underlying it all is this thing called a spiritual malady, this internal discomfort that I feel constantly until I get alcohol in my body. I never touched a drink until I was about 17 years old. Thank God somebody finally showed me alcohol because I was coming apart at the seams.

Hated school, hated who I was, hated everything. 17 years old, Boone's Farm. Do they have Boone's Farm in England? Boone's Farm Apple Wine? It's crap.

It's just the cheap wine. It's just it's just it's like hummingbird juice with alcohol in it. It's it's terrible, but it'll get you real loaded. And, somebody handed me a bottle and I drank a little bit like that. And the guy said, that's too that's nasty stuff.

And I said, yeah. It tastes pretty bad. And he says, I don't want anymore. And it's starting to hit my bloodstream. And I said, let me get this straight.

You don't want anymore of this bottle now. You're telling because I already knew I was gonna drink it. And I and I did. And I went back home that night and felt comfortable for the first time in my adult life. People don't understand that.

Alcohol gets me right. Everybody Family members come to our treatment center, and they they just think we're partying too damn much. We gotta keep them away from those kids. We gotta stop they gotta stop listening to that rap rock and roll music. That's what's causing all this.

And I say, buddy, you don't under you you missed it. I don't drink to get drunk. I drink to get right. And when alcohol was working, when the dope was working for me, was good. There's a thing called progression.

And some of you, we we after yesterday's talk, you know, we had some controversy about that. There's a thing called progression in alcoholism. I didn't start drinking and blacking out. I started drinking and I had a long period of time when alcohol worked for me, when I was what we would call, like some of you, a functioning alcoholic. Alcohol, I never would have gotten laid.

That's a fact. No. Nothing. But as it progressively got worse, the problem started to pile up, but I realized now at a certain point, you know, I I can't do without it. And now I need I need a drink to go wash clothes.

You know, I need a drink to go to the grocery store. I need a drink to call that girl on the phone. You know, just something to get me comfortable in my skin, and and that's what we do. And and when the craving is satisfied huge quantities of it to get to that happy spot, we're in trouble. So we're going to huge quantities of it to get to that happy spot, we're in trouble, folks, and it's a tough place to be.

I was in the food business. I was traveling around a lot and, was pretty successful. And, my external world started to look pretty good, started to make a little money, but my internal world started to fall apart at the seams. And this depression started to kick my butt. And I started, seeing a therapist, a counselor early on.

Mid about the mid seventies, I was seeing a counselor trying to talk to him about this this stuff. And I please, and again, any of y'all heard my CDs and stuff, I I I I make special point to do this. Therapy is wonderful, and and I benefited from every bit of it. I was in therapy on and off for 10 years, and I and I I love I have a special place in my heart for therapists, but therapists can't treat alcoholism. My book says, only a spiritual alcoholism.

My book says only a spiritual experience can treat alcoholism. And if there's any therapists in here that think that you're treating alcoholism, you're gonna be so disappointed. I, the therapist started treating me with antidepressants, and and that helped for a while, but it didn't solve the problem. Spiritual malady cannot be treated by with a pill. And, we're dealing they they all believe that they of course, every therapist I went to said, oh, well, you've been misdiagnosed by the last therapist.

What you have here is an anxiety disorder. Here's another pill. Alright. So now I'm taking an antidepressant and an anxiety pill. Oh, you were misdiagnosed.

You're ADD. What you need here is the, you know, and then and and then I'm I'm bouncing every and here's another pill, and here's another pill, and here's another but some of y'all are nodding your head because you know exactly. Every therapist you go to, you're just like, oh, you've been misdiagnosed. Oh, god. Why don't you all get on the same page here?

You know? Because I got the same symptoms. I hate my life. Same symptom. I don't like who I am.

And we'd sit on the couch, and we'd talk about everything under the sun. And y'all heard me a thousand times. We'd talked about everything, everything. We talked about being an identical twin and contrary to what Myers said yesterday, I am the good twin. I know the patch kinda freaked some of y'all out, but I deep down inside, I have a heart of gold.

And, Jesus, We're just I'm freaked out. And we're we're talking about growing up in a country and and that sheep and we're we're talking we talked about the war, and we talked about the we just the the problems and how we talked a lot about mama. To this day, I I'm embarrassed to be around my mom sometimes because I've talked about her so much, you know, and it's frustrating. Always, inevitably, with any good therapist, we talked about my sexuality, and I I it's just there was a a common thread that homosexuality runs in identical twins, and that and so we believe that maybe my drinking had something to do with the fact that I was gay, and and I'm not, but I but I really wanted to be, you know. I mean, y'all gotta hear me.

If I could pinpoint all of y'all have experienced this. If I could just pinpoint what it is that's causing me to drink so much, what it is to cause my life to be such a a a shamble, then then I could fix that. You know? It's the idea that if we can get all of our little ducks in a row, everything will be okay. And that's all the speakers that we've heard this weekend have alluded to it.

If I could just get the wife, and the car, and the house, and the job, and have everything lying down, everything perfect, then I wouldn't have all this pressure in my life and I wouldn't have to drink so much. You're with us? And it is an absolute illusion. Again, the earlier morning speaker hit on it so succinctly. If you believe that organizing your outside world is somehow gonna fix what's wrong with you inside, you're chasing the the the wrong picture here.

And we have an industry in the treatment seal center field that believes that that is the cause. That's why so many treatment centers crank treatment is a great place to discover what's wrong with you. But Treatment is a great place to discover what's wrong with you, but it will not get you sober. Treatment centers crank out dry individuals, well detoxed people. It will not allow us to recover.

That's what the 12 steps were about. It's so frustrating for family members because they believe that they could just behave a little bit better, or or give the patient everything that they want, that that they can get well. And that is just not my experience. Because folks, in the in the 20 years I was drinking, I had times when I had everything I ever wanted, and I was How many of you guys drank a drug when everything was going great in your life? How many of you guys drank and drugged when everything was going great in your life?

All the hands up. Let the record show. How many of you drank and drugged when everything was crap in your life? Oh, all the hands are up. Everything goes.

You see what we're doing? We can great relationship, crappy relationship. Good job, crappy job. It's the same. Same.

That's what drives me crazy about the triggers in treatment. It's like, guys, when did I not drink? What does not trigger me? Jeez, girls, boy, you're screwed. What are you gonna do?

You know? Music, daylight, Dark? Absolute rubbish. I, got into a little domestic disturbance and ended up, with a with a little inexpensive therapist in Denton, Texas. And, she looked at all the stuff that was wrong with me.

I was telling her everything was wrong and all the medications I was taking. And she said, Chris, I don't know about all that. She says, from looking at you and talking to you for a few minutes, it's obvious to me, you're a drunk. And I was quite offended. I don't I don't mind this I'm mentally ill, but being a drunk, that's my dad, you know, and I don't I don't wanna it's not cool.

And, Jesus. She says, I suggest you go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I did. And, I had a marriage that, again, that was cracking up. And I had a catering business that was going down the toilet. And, and I'm just sick and tired of living the way I'm living.

And, and I went to AA. And this is my experience, and it's not like some of y'all's experiences, but it was I started going and and and again, I went to my first meeting and they asked me if I was an alcoholic, and I said yes. And they said, welcome. And that was it. And they went around the room and they shared a bunch of damn war stories with me.

The persons that like to share their experience, strength, and hope, Let's chat. If you're sharing your experience to, find some similarities, I'm with you. If you're sharing your experience trying to scare me into recovery, shut up because the book is crystal clear, I will not remember the consequences of it even a week or a month ago. When the mental obsession kicks in again, I'll pick up a drink. Book says, you will not remember the consequences.

You won't even remember your own consequences. What makes you think you're gonna I'm gonna remember yours. You cannot scare somebody into recovery. I got so so sick of listening to war stories I could puke. Because at the time, folks, remember, I'm functioning alcoholic.

I have a lot of stuff going on in my life, and it's not like some of you losers. And I we're it Oh, I had a DWI. I'm sitting there going, oh, man, that must have been terrible. I've never had a DWI. Oh, I beat my wife.

Check. I've never done that. I piss my pants. Excuse me. Check.

Check. I've never done It it dawns on me every time we do this and I'm in and out. I go to a lot of first step meetings because I'm always in the first step, you know, because I'm I'm relapsing constantly. I come back in to pick up a chip, and I go back in and that's the first thing they want to do. Tell us how you got here.

And I get to hear all your stupid stories one more time. I but I can't identify. I know your heart's in the right place. It's exactly what Myers said. There was nobody in those rooms trying to hurt me, but they were going about it the wrong way because my drama was not matching up with yours.

And when see it nonstop in our fellowship today, you have to lose it all before you can rubbish. Been to prison. Hook it on the street. I was doing this. I was doing that.

This is great from the podium, but in a meeting, it has no place. When we finished with the war stories, we started with a freaking junior therapy sessions. Who's got the problem? Oh, shit. Pick me.

I got the problem. I got the problem. Yes, Johnny. What's the problem? Oh, she's leaving again.

I know she's leaving. I know she's cheating on me. Blah blah blah. Oh, let's talk about that, and so we'll talk about insecurities, and let's talk about relationships, and let's talk about this, and let's I'm I'm dying. I I can't stop drinking.

It's really affecting my life. You know, I'm I'm suffering from a thing called a spiritual malady. I am irritable, restless, and discontent. The thought of suicide is on a daily, that constant thought with me. I I I am having trouble in personal relationships.

The tension level is rising in me like you would not believe. I have this low self I feel like crap. I just I I'm always I'm always either better than you or worse than you. You know, I never can be right in them. Just brothers and sisters, you know.

I'm just and I fluctuate between the 2. I have this low self esteem. I have this feeling of uselessness, like the book talks about on page 52. And I just don't like who I am. Only time I like who I am is when I've got a couple of belts in me.

But we're not gonna get around to talking about that because we're too busy trying to fix your your day. Alcoholics anonymous is not therapy. Alcoholics anonymous is a spiritual program of action. We read it yesterday. It's our primary, but we are a spiritual entity.

Our job in Alcoholics Anonymous is to get the newcomer connected to God, so that God can remove that obsession to drink. That's our primary purpose. It is not to fix your day. Do you realize how arrogant that is for me to sit here and think that I can fix what's wrong with you? I don't have a I've never walked a day in your shoes.

But I think with no education at all, that I can sit down and counsel you on what to do. It just freaked me out. You wanna walk into a room of the of of recovering alcoholics and ask, can you help me with my relationships? Yeah. We probably got about 500 marriages, and that's, you know, everybody wanna talk about something they have no experience with.

You know, well, this is what I think you should do. Why don't you shut up? We've been given the primary purpose. We can do one thing and one thing well because we've lived through it. We've we've walked through the fire.

We've come out the other side. I can help you with that. But we never get a chance to do it because we're too busy trying to fix you. Again, treatment centers caused a lot of this problem because we would go to process groups and the hospitals would say, Go back into the meetings and just share. If you're having a bad day, share.

Buddy, if you're having a bad day, share. Just not in my meeting. Come before the meeting. Stay after the meeting. Let's sit and visit.

Let's go to Denny's. Let's talk about it. Let's go to Denny's. Let's talk about it. Let's go to Denny's.

Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. Let In my meeting, let's talk about hope. The book is crystal clear, folks. It says point blank.

When the alcoholic begins to depend on the group for his help, we're doing him a disservice, because he stops placing dependence on God and starts putting it on the group. That's what the book says. That's why so many people don't want to pick up the pick up the tools that have been given us and help sponsor people, because they, what happens if he has a problem and I don't know what to do? You don't have to know what to do. All you have to know what to do is how to get him connected to God.

God knows what to do. It's been my experience. Couldn't get sober. I know some of you, said he came to AA and loved it from the very beginning. I came to AA and hated it from the beginning.

7 years in and out of the fellowship. I loved your camaraderie. I loved the fellowship, the BUDS. I could not stay in the meetings. Could not.

Because I can't stay sober. And you you knuckleheads are staying sober, but I can't stay sober. And I've got the old coop come up and says, Chris, here's the problem. You're drinking between meetings as as evidenced by the thousands of desire chips you're picking up. So what you need to do is go to meetings and just not drink between, and you'll put some sobriety together.

But you see, you might be able to do that because you might not even be a real alcoholic, but I can't do that. The further away I get from a drink, my MO is so simple, it's not even funny. About 2 weeks away from a drink, I come apart at the seams. The tension level, the depression, the boredom, this low self esteem, the voices come back, and I and I go nuts. And my little I'll be driving down the road.

My little head, boy, it's pretty good. I've been sober 2 weeks. This is I can do this. This little thought, you could probably smoke a joint. Yeah.

That's the ticket? Pot. Don't like pot. Makes me horny and paranoid all at the same time. It's terrible.

But you don't have a problem with pot. You got a problem with beer. So I go drink. I go smoke a joint. Physical allergy gets triggered again, and I go back.

It's called cross addiction. And I go back to the alcohol. Done it a 1000 times. Get off the cocaine, drink, go back to the cocaine. Get off the cocaine, do methamphetamine, go back to the cocaine, go back to the alcohol.

Something go the pills. I watched thousands of alcoholics relapse around a prescription pad. They go to the doctor. They're not working the steps. They're irritable, restless, and discontent.

The spirituality has not been treated. Doctor, I I'm I'm having trouble. I'm The depression's back. Well, let me write you this. He looks up over his glasses and says, you're having trouble sleeping too, aren't you?

How did how did you know? I can fix that bucko. Stick stick the little barbiturate on the ass end of that pill. Hell, there you go. You know?

You take it, sleep like a king, get up the next morning. I'm thirsty. Back to the alcohol. Damnedest thing. Just lost a real good friend of ours in Phoenix.

Some of us that knew him in, in a sister fellowship of cocaine anonymous, 15, 16 years sober, died around those medications. A pill is never the answer. Action is the answer. 1987, I'm working for my brother. Thank God for family.

I have spent some time eating out of was wrong. And, I'm living, in people's apartments and on people's couches, and I finally get to come live with my brother. I'm an accredited chef and could work in the industry, but I can't work in the industry because I can't stay sober. And he's got a book bindery in Louisville, and I got a chance to go work with him. And, I returned the compliments he gave me yesterday.

If it hadn't been for him, I I'd have been dead. Even the fucked up guy is bleeding. Sorry. See, I didn't want to get there. I didn't want to get to this place.

I mean, it's not I like, I'm I'm looking at my life, and I'm just like, how did I how did things get so screwed up? Voices are driving me crazy. I can't sleep. I I I I am overweight. I'm like, I got organs that are shutting down.

I am in I am in terrible shape physically, and I I can't make decisions. The the book says, our problems pile up on us and they become astonishingly difficult to solve. And it wasn't like I had a bunch of legal problems coming down. It was just little stuff, like like what what t shirt to wear. You know?

I have 4 of them in the closet. It was like, which ones oh, gee. And it just I just into a I turn left, I go to work. I turn right, I go to my apartment. I can't figure out which way to turn.

Cars are honking behind me, and I can't make a decision. I'm the little things are piling up, and I don't I can't I I don't know. I I just drove home from work one night after, a long day at work. We got off at 3 and went to the store and bought a 12 pack of beer and went home, picked up a stack return checks, cold November night, and went up to my little apartment and sat on the floor and opened the return checks. I had some furniture one time, but my cocaine dealer had it on loan.

And, lived in the apartment complex where I lived. And I just was done. I don't know. It was nothing. Just done.

I had done therapy. I had done the church. I had done outpatient. I had done everything I could possibly do and nothing was working. And, I just was You know, when you tell your family that you're going to get sober and you tell your employer that you're going to get sober and you let them down a couple of times, it's kind of disillusioning.

Anymore. It was just me. I'm selfish to the core, and I'm anymore. It was just me. I'm selfish to the core, and I made up a quick decision.

It's time to go. It's time to go home. It's time to check out. And I went to the medicine cabinet, got a bottle of pills and just washed them down with some black label. Those pills hit my gut and immediately I heard a voice that said very clearly in my head in the room, don't do this.

Go back to AA. Medicine cabinet window, and I looked up there. I don't know where the voice came from. It freaked me out. I heard it one more time.

It says, I'm not going back to AA. All they do in AA is tell war stories and piss and moan about their messed up day. And I'm having a plenty good messed up day myself. I don't need anybody else to share theirs with me. Chris, don't do this.

Go back to AA. Heard the voice about 3 times at night. I have people argue with me. Chris, you didn't really hear a voice, did you? I heard a voice that said, Chris, don't do this.

Go back to AA. I I heard a voice that said, Chris, don't do this. Go back to AA. I made myself sick. It scared me to death.

I made myself sick, laid down in bed, went to sleep, passed out, woke up the next morning, I heard the voice one more time. Don't do this. Go back to AA. I called a doctor that Myers and I knew, got some doggy downers to detox, and I went to work. I had to had to had to work.

That was Friday 13th, 1987. At 6 o'clock that night, I walked in the back door of an AA meeting. I'd never been to before. It was the one that Myers got sober into at the time. And I walked in, they were all carrying big books.

I remember walking in going, oh, man. I screwed up here buddy. Because I want to get well, but I don't want any of this big book fanaticism. You know, this this little girl got between me in the door because she saw me back in back out. She got me a cup of coffee and grabbed her finger in my belt.

19 year old girl. Been sober about a year. Slugged me down in a little chair. Sit down, cowboy. You ain't going nowhere.

And I the the courage of this girl I mean, I had big, full beard and dirty hair, and patch was perpetually crooked. Looked like I had an earmuff on half the time. Pretty unwholesome. And they went around the room. The the chairperson had seen me up in North Texas for years picking up chips, and he said, god.

But Chris has heard all the war stories he wants to hear. Let's share some hope with this old boy. Let's share some some miracles that have happened to us as a result of working the 12 steps. Oh, this is gonna be good. And they did.

And they went around the room. There's about 30 people in that room. And they went around, and everybody was smoking cigarettes and laughing. And they started sharing miracles with me that had happened to them as a result of working the 12 steps, getting their credit cards back, getting married, starting businesses, doing all the cool things that I didn't think I could ever have. They had my interest.

At the end, they asked if anybody wanted a desire chip, and I picked up another chip. And there was an old geezer came up after the meeting, and he walked up and he said, Chris, are you done? Are are you finished now, or are you are you really gonna make a good shot at this? And I had just enough knowledge of being around the fellowship for so many years. I said, well, you know, one day at a time.

He said, yeah. That's what I thought. And he got his coffee and he left the room. I followed after him. I said, buddy, hey, don't remember me?

I'm the most important person here. You know? I'm the newcomer. He says, you're not a newcomer. You've been around for 7 years.

You know what this is about. And you're still dropping little one liners trying to get out of doing any work. My book asked me to ask you point blank, are you done? You point blank, are you done? I live life one day at a time, folks.

And he explained that to me. But he's that's how we do this. We we seek the power of God on a daily basis. That's how we do this. But you it starts with a commitment.

And I'm qualifying you. Are you finished? And I said, yes. And he hugged my neck and set me down in the chair and opened the book and he showed me in the book on page 24 where I have lost the power of choice and He explained to me how I was powerless over out for the first time in 7 years. Somebody sat down, took time with me not to blow some little one ladder up my ass, but to tell me the truth.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it. I wanna pew. And he told me he told me what the story was. And for the first time, it I had an inkling of what was wrong with me.

And I had a pit, a pain in the pit of my stomach when the when the truth finally hit my psyche that I was screwed with without the spiritual experience, that I was truly suffering from alcoholism. That I was truly suffering from alcoholism. That I was that I was truly suffering from alcoholism. That was my bottom, folks. It was not the dumpster.

It was the DWI. It was not the girl leaving. It that that's we sit in these meetings. It's all we want to talk about is the stupid drama. Don't y'all understand?

You could always go lower. I'll never drink again. I'm I'm going to prison if I drink again. You you just pack. He explained to me that night that spiritual malady, untreated alcoholism, and the unmanageability it talks about in the first step is all the same thing.

The unmanageability has got nothing to do with my shit life, and a lot of you guys believe it is. Go into a meeting tonight and say, I I got a topic. Let's talk about unmanageability. And the first thing everybody will do is start talking about the drama in their life. The bills, the woman, the the sickness, the whatever they want.

They want to talk about the external world. The unmanageability is all internal. Perception that the wonderful speaker this morning was talking about is skewed. I'm seeing it through, through unfocused eyes. It always looks grim to me.

It always looks grim to me. It always looks grim to me. It always looks grim to me. Grim to me. You see, Chris, when you have the spiritual experience, this will all shift for you, and you'll start looking at the world differently.