The Our Primary Purpose confernence in London, UK

Thank you. My name's Andrew, and I'm alcoholic. Before we go on, I'd just like to let everyone know that we are recording the, the convention this weekend. And if you'd want to buy any CDs at the back there, where Pat is superbly manning the literature store. Just put your name down, and, we'll get a copy of those and the paste to you.

It is now time to introduce our second speaker this evening, Alicia Yerin. Hi, I'm Alicia. I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank the committee and everyone city, incredible country, and, thank you all so much for all the hard work you've done to make it possible. This is my second adventure traveling with, Chris and Myers, and I I think I've decided I'm gonna write a book about life with Chris and Myers.

If I could write down some of the little things they say just out of the blue. It's been a trip, but, as always, enjoy you guys. The, the theme for this conference, the the primary purpose, what an amazing deal to come across country to be able to do that. And, you know, I'm I'm blessed in our little town of of Kerrville, Texas where I'm from and blessed to carry the message there in in a bunch of different ways. And, just an incredible honor to get to come across the country to to carry the message.

We're talking outside, some of us, and, you know, the book says this disease is no respecter of persons. You know, it doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, or what you've been through. If, if you've got it, you've got it. You know? And, the the story that was shared earlier, I forgot his name.

I'm sorry. But, he told my story and just the exact same kind of stuff that I've been through, and here we are across the nation, across the country, and, same deal, same solution. You know? And that's what we're here to talk about this weekend. Wish I had more exciting way to start my story, but I am gonna just kinda let you know what, got me into Alcoholics Anonymous a few years ago and then, what this program has done for me and where it's gotten me today.

I'm from, San Antonio. It's a bigger city, but, not too far from Kerrville, and, come from a great home, wonderful family. You know, no real reason that, you know, that people seem to think that terrible things happen and that's why you start drinking, and we know that that's not the case at all because, in my experience, I came from a wonderful home. I went to private school for 10 years. My father is a a pastor and now a missionary.

I have a wonderful mother with 4 brothers and sisters and, just a wonderful life. And at about 14, though, I really started to recognize, looking back, I can recognize it. The the symptoms of the spiritual malady, you know, just the anxiety, the depression, the the fear, just the the uncomfortable ness. And, 14 found alcohol. And, I remember consciously thinking that I was going to be doing this for a long time because when you added alcohol to my system, all the voices went away.

All that darkness went away. All the all the fears went away, and I was I was funnier, I was prettier, I could dance better, I wasn't scared to talk to the guys or the girls anymore, and it it just it just made me feel right. And, thus began my journey down alcoholism road, if you wanna call it. And, by 17, that road took me. It it had progressed already fairly quickly.

And, at 17, I public school after being in private school for 10 years, and, I immediately gravitated to the the drinking and drugging crowd, you know, because they're much more exciting. And, the, the head of this this group had broken up with me. I was dating him for a little while, and he broke up with me, and and I was devastated, you know, because we were gonna be together forever. It was high school, you know, junior high la or junior school. Yeah.

Junior in high school. And, and so I set out that night to get lit. You know, the the book says we like to blot out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we know how. And the best way I knew to do it was to get lit. And, and so I did.

And I remember going out that night. I remember getting dressed and looking in the mirror and, walking out the door. And the next thing I remember, I wake up in a hospital and I have my jaws wired shut, my arms tied down, both legs in a cast, staples down my stomach, a feeding tube, and a trach coming out of my neck, and and I had no idea what happened. And, I'm told that, I succeeded on my goal that night of getting lit. And my my friends ended up having to bring me home because I was I just they couldn't handle me anymore.

And my mother was there and and, she I was I was out of control, and she tried to stop me because I said I just wanted to leave and and she couldn't. And I got in the car and drove down the road, and I, I hit a telephone pole right down the street going about 45 miles an hour. And, you know, I'm the book says given sufficient reason, can you quit drinking? You know? And by 17, I had my first big one.

I almost died, you know? And, I think had I been normal, I probably would have said alcohol bad and not touched it again, but that's not what I did at all. After being in the hospital for 3 months, learning how to walk again, etcetera, etcetera, I, my friends threw me a party when I got out of the hospital. You might have friends like that. They threw me a party.

And and not only am I drinking at this party, but I'm doing party tricks. You see, in in my wreck, I I bit the steering wheel like this with my mouth and I, I broke the palate of my mouth and knocked out 4 teeth, which last year when I spoke in Denmark, I was able to pop my teeth out for visual effect. Yeah. Sorry. You're gonna miss it.

Because, in this last year, God God worked it out where I could get my teeth fixed. But I did bring my teeth. They're in my purse. If anyone want I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Anyway, so at this party, I'm missing 4 teeth at this party, and, I'm doing party tricks. I'm I'm squirting beer where the teeth are missing. You know? I'm, I'm putting magnets on my face to attach to the metal clamp that's been inserted in my jaw. My tray call wasn't even closed yet.

Y'all are sick. You're laughing at this. My tray call wasn't even closed yet. You know, I've got gauze over it and I'm kinda pushing on it so I can talk. And, and at that time, this seems normal to me.

Again, the book says your alcoholic life seems the only normal one and and that seemed normal. And, that that was the beginning of of of the insanity that was that was gonna become my life. And, I, met, managed to make it through high school and and went to college and and one of the big schools in Texas, it's kind of known as a party school. And, it's they even had to change their name these last couple of years because everyone associated it with with drinking. And and so, in my senior year, I I took the SAT while on acid, which wasn't a very good idea because the dots were moving everywhere and everything.

So I I didn't score very high. But I scored high enough to get into this party school. So I thought I'd really done well. But I get to this school and and, this is when I really began to see that I don't drink like other people do. I got involved with a large group of women over there in this little sorority deal.

And and I'm starting to watch the way these women drink and what they do when they go out, and and and I'm I'm strangely different. Something is different with me. I mean, we'd be getting ready to go out and they'd be downstairs eating dinner before we went out. Exactly. Why why in God's name would you eat before you went out?

You know, I'm upstairs drinking beer, you know, taking shots just to get right to walk out the door, you know. And and and night after night, I would have these great plans. Okay. I'm just gonna drink beer. I'll stay away from the hard liquor.

I'm just gonna, you know, do this or that. And and I would have my little plans of how I was gonna control it because I really didn't like who I became when I got so drunk. So I would try to make a plan as to to keep that from happening, and, it didn't work. And, the crazy thing is, I mean, it was constant. Drinking was just constant in college and and, the book says, paraphrasing here, but, that we are highly intelligent in a lot of different areas except for the effect alcohol has on us, and that was my experience.

I was on the dean's list in college. When I did show up for class, you know, I did very well. But with this deal with alcohol, I just I could not seem to make the right choice and couldn't understand why at that time. I know now it's because I didn't have a choice. I lost that power to choose what I was gonna do and when I was gonna do it.

And, but at the time, I just I just thought I had bad willpower, you know, that I I was I was a bad girl, that I was I was weak, you know, and yet would go out and do it again, you know. So after after 2 years of this experiment at school, I finally dropped out because apparently they wanted they want you to show up for class a lot and I just too much pressure. So I couldn't. And, at this time, I moved back home, and I I met my first first ex husband. Well, I guess he was my first husband.

He's my never mind. Anyway, the first guy I married. Let's put it that way. And I I have to tell this part of the story just because it's the women seem to relate to it. He, he had just gotten out of prison for 5 years straight, alcohol and drug charges.

He was a drug dealer. I knew he abused women because I'd grown up around him and I knew his past. He had 2 children he didn't take care of. He had no job, no car, no money, and he was all mine. See?

And and I joke that some of you women in the room would have fought me for him. You know? And the book says we make decisions based on self that place us in a position to be hurt. And at that time of my life, I I can see now that that's what I did because I, I was gonna change him. You know?

My my wayward souls program, bless god, was gonna turn him around and everyone would see what I had done with him. He was a he was a drug dealer. I also like drugs. It was cool to hang out. I mean, I made all these decisions based on self that that 5 years later, I had a knife to my wrist because I couldn't get away from the monster I was then married to, you know.

But, that began a very dark time in my life and and alcohol was a constant and that the consequences began and and there were drugs involved as well. And, in 98, I've lost everything. And, the relationships with my family were gone, you know, the the lies that I told over and over again to try to keep my game going, you know, they were done, they were burnt and they were tired of, they were tired of getting hurt by me. You know, the I was absolutely the tornado that had run through their lives and the debris that I kept leaving behind was they didn't wanna be a part of it anymore. So it, at 25, as I said, I have a knife to my wrist because I can't quit drinking.

I can't quit doing drugs and I cannot get away from the monster I'm I'm married to, and and I don't know any way out, you know, and and I had heard about Alcoholics Anonymous from my stepfather. He had been involved in the program while while I was drinking, and he used to always talk to me about this this special place that he went and and this special this and he used to talk about his special friend which was his sponsor. And many a beer did I throw on him when he mentioned his special program, you know, because it was like I I didn't wanna hear about it, you know, at that time. So I thought just ending it was was the only way that this insanity was gonna stop because I cannot tell you how many times I would I would look in the mirror and just look at this soulless woman and just go, this has gotta stop. This has gotta stop.

You know, I I joke that that I think blackouts are a gift from God, so I don't exactly have to know exactly what needs to stop, you know. So I don't have to go through all that pain each morning. But sometimes I absolutely did remember, and I remembered a lot of it, you know, and yet just like the book says that didn't keep me from doing it again. You know, strong resolution strong resolution hours later drinking again and this went on and on and I didn't know how to stop it. So by the grace of God, I ended up in treatment in 98 and, god.

I find out now that I have no desire to quit drinking, you know, I I went there just to get the heat off. I went to to get some to get some food, to get some consistency at least for 30 days going in my life. Because I I get there and I'm, I'm probably, you know, 20, £30 thinner than I am now. I mean, just life hadn't been eaten, just not doing well. And, hair falling out, sunken in eyes, bruise.

I was I was looking good. And, my roommate was this rather large older woman, my roommate in detox, rather large older woman who was coming off of years of of pills and benzos and opiates, all kinds of things. And and, her head was about this big and she had a perm that made her look a lot bigger. And all she could do is lay in this bed and hold up her sheet and go. That's all she could do.

And I'm sitting there staring at this woman and, you know, just hours before I was at the club dancing, I was cool, and now look where I am. And I was like, how did I get here? And, the the book talks about that we driven by fear and self delusion. And at that time in my life, it was just eating me alive. And I'm in I'm in such self delusion at this place.

You know? I'm thinking, okay. I'm not as bad as these guys. No. Okay.

A couple nights ago okay. The whole knife thing. But besides that, I'm really okay, and, I'm believing my story. And, my parents dropped me off there with no clothes. They didn't they just took me.

When I said I wanted help, they just took me. And, so I I borrowed this lady gave me a night gown of hers to wear, and she was she was a rather I'm emaciatedly thin, but she was a a larger woman and so it was a a nightgown that was Christmas flannel plaid. It was very sexy. And it had, eyelet lace turtleneck and around here. And so I I don't have any clothes, so she gives me this nightgown and I put it on and I got I got these skunk slippers from my mother's trunk, I think, right before she dropped me off.

And they're big old skunk ears and the knees the the ears came up to about my knees. And, so I have no makeup, no clothes. I'm dressed in my gown and my slippers, and I'm on my detox meds. And and I am in such self delusion that I got it going on that that I'm walking down the halls thinking I look hot. You know, just stumbling around the halls looking for a date for god's sakes.

And, because see, I I found you can use many things to treat this spirituality. And for me, relationships and men, it's it's right up there on the top of the list. And so, I figured, okay, I'm in I'm I've got a 30 day vacation from from Satan, which is what I used to call my ex husband. That's not very nice. His name was Kirsten.

Anyway, I have a 30 day vacation from him, so let's find someone else. You know? So dressed in my gown and my slippers, I found someone. Poor 19 year old kid. I took him hostage.

Just love me. You know? And and I spent my whole 30 days wondering where he was, where he was going, what we were doing, blah blah blah. And I was put into a treatment center that, that did not use big books. You know?

They did not talk about the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. They did not talk about about hope. They talked about triggers and and issues and and and personal things. And the only time the big book was opened was in the doctor's meetings. And at those, all he would do is read the stories from the back of the book.

So I knew nothing about the first 164 pages, but at that time in my life, I don't think I would've cared anyway because I was, there for the wrong reasons, you could say. But I was the model patient, you know. I was voted most likely to stay sober, you know, took notes in the doctors' meetings. I I jumped through the hoops and did what I needed to do. And when I got out of treatment, I moved there to Kerrville because my hostage did too.

So, I moved to this little Podunk town and and I've got a trash bag full of clothes to my name. That is literally all I had at 25 to show for my existence. I men's halfway house meetings. They were very good meetings, but they also had men there. And, so those are the only meetings I would go to, and and within a month, I'm crawling out of my skin.

I can't figure out why either because I've been dry now for 60 days. I thought life was gonna get better. I put down alcohol. I'm moving. Things should go better.

But I finally now understand that that alcohol had nothing to do with what my problem was. It was this void inside, you know? And, so it's 60 days dry, living in this women's house, women's halfway house kinda deal. I I am irritable, restless, discontent. I'm crawling out of my skin, and, the only thing I know that makes this go away is to drink.

So I remember looking in the mirror and going, alright, girl. You can drink. Just don't do drugs. Drugs were the problem. You know?

Cocaine, that was the problem. But you can drink. I have scars on my face from what alcohol did at 17, and yet that didn't even cross my mind. You know, cunning, baffling, and powerful. You know, it forgot to remind me about those deals.

And and the book says I I couldn't even remember all of that pain anyway. I don't have that power. So I drank that night and, that began another pretty much year binge that I went out on. And, it's so true that it gets worse never better because that's exactly what happened. Little problem we had though this time, was that they'd hired me at that treatment center.

Oops. Because I was gonna say, you know, I was going to do so well that they they had confidence in me and they hired me there. So I'm leading a bit of a double life, you could say, because I'm I'm working at this treatment center and then, you know, obsessing about getting off work and and getting that first beer right after work. And I'm doing all my crazy stuff at night, sometimes not sleeping, and then coming back right into work to the treatment center the next day, and it was insane. And, I'm I'm a good actress, you know, I I thought I'd pulled it off well.

I find out later that they knew, you know, apparently, when your your car breaks down more times than you know, your car breaks down, you get advances on your paycheck, you know, your grandmother keeps dying, all these excuses I kept coming up with. Plus, I'd just gone to treatment there a month before. So they they they kind of had an idea, but, I thought I was covering it up well. And, you know, it was insane. I would I would drive to San Antonio, which is about an hour away, to go to go out, to go dance, and, you know, and and I was Bill talks about being the lone wolf, you know, and that was me.

I would go dancing by myself all the time. It was really cool. And, I it's kinda funny because I, I couldn't I couldn't tell the truth to save my life, you know, in my disease. And and the joke is that my name means truthful one. I think my parents really screwed me at birth there.

It's like, well, high expectation that I'm going to tell the truth. But, I found that I didn't have the power. I could not. And and at the end of that last year, it was just every word that came out of my mouth was a lie. I I couldn't I couldn't tell you anything.

And and, when I would go to these clubs and go dancing by myself, people would ask me my name or or whatever, and I'd say, Kelly. Don't know why exactly, but she was kind of my alter ego that would go out and, get in a lot of trouble. And, Kelly caused a lot of problems for us. She really did. I I don't know.

But that was the the extent that that this disease had me, you know, the honesty that's talked about in this program that is so important. I didn't think I was gonna be able to do it because dishonesty had worked for me for so long, you know, it it kept me from getting, you know, consequences. It it got me what I wanted. It it, it covered my tracks. It did so much.

And so, when I finally got to these rooms and they said I'd have to be honest at any cost, it was kinda scary, you know, because Kelly didn't know if she could do that. But thank god she did. Anyway, Kelly is a big mess. But, at the end of that year, I had all the material things back. I had the job, the car, the apartment, the family.

I had, all the things I'd lost before. I'd gotten them back. But at the end of this 1 3 day binge, I don't know, I don't know what was different, but let me back up here a minute. Kirsten went back to prison during that year, and I divorced him and and met my now husband or, woah. Met my, geez, I gotta quit getting married.

This is getting confusing. Met my second ex husband. He was living at that men's halfway house. So see, paid off to go to those meetings. But, he was living there, and and he was an alcoholic, and he was in relapse and so on and so was I.

You know? So it was another healthy beginning to a healthy relationship. And he and I spent 5 months or so together drinking and drugging. And, at the end of of that time together, it's a 3 day binge and we're just crying because this has gotta stop. You know?

So many times we would say that, okay. Okay. This is it. You know? And that next Monday, I'd come home from work, and I'd have a 12 pack of beer with me, and he just kinda look at me.

And it was like, come on. I mean, it's just it's just beer. You know? And and I would keep making my excuses that I was not ready. And I don't know why this time was any different.

I don't know, I don't know what happened that that changed it, but something happened. And, just like the gentleman shared earlier, I remember looking up at the ceiling and just going, god, if you were even still I couldn't do this anymore. The the internal condition was eating me alive and and the voices in my head were getting way too loud and the consequences, I just couldn't do it and yet I didn't know how to stop. And and god was was not an option that I was hoping to look to, because I'd been around it my whole life. I'd been raised around church and around religion and it had been forced down my throat.

And, I I thought that's what getting sober was gonna be about, you know. And I thought that that I'd be going to church constantly and that and that I'd be memorizing more scripture and blah blah blah blah blah. And it was like that I wore private I wore uniforms for 10 years, you know. That should count for something. And and catechism, who made you?

God made me. What else did god make? Blah blah blah blah. I knew it all, and it hadn't kept me sober. So why would this be any different?

So as I said, that cry out, something changed though, something clicked. And somehow I was given the strength to walk into my first meeting that next Monday, that was on a Sunday, and and I walked in. And, that was January 11, 1999, and my life has never been the same. I was so blessed to walk into a meeting where people did carry big books, where people did know their primary purpose, where, where women came and surrounded me as soon as I walked in. The the lady that that became my sponsor, she actually walked up to me after I got my desire chip and gave me a card and said, you need a sponsor.

I mean, I didn't even have time to waste. It was like she knew what she was there to do. And, and that began my journey with this miracle that is Alcoholics Anonymous. And, the woman that stands before you is is not at all it resembles Kelly, totally totally different. But what began to happen is as she sat me down and, and and pretty much read this book to me.

And and I had my pen and I had my highlighter and we would go through and and I was I was beat into a place where I didn't care what she was gonna tell me I needed to do. You know, I'd I'd I'd joke that had they had me stand want me to stand on my head and whistle Dixie 2 hours every day. If that's what they said was gonna work to get sober at that time, I would have done it because I didn't care. I wanted to do anything not to be Kelly anymore, You know? And that the book talks about being beat into that state of reasonableness.

And I would have thought that that happened to me at 25 when I lost everything, but that's not the case because reasonableness takes place up here. It's it's ready to throw out all the old ideas. It's ready to lay aside the prejudice. It's ready to do whatever I've gotta do to change. And, and I was tired of being me.

And so the things that she was suggesting that I do, which came straight out of this book, were absolutely inviting to me. Because what I got to see in her is is, the first time she shared with me some of her story. You know, the first time she explained to me what had happened to her through working these steps, it was the phrase that you hear so much, I want what you have. You know, this woman was free and had been for 12 or 13 years and, and I didn't know how she did it, and I didn't understand how it was gonna work, but I didn't care. You know?

These steps are an amazing thing, you know, that the in Bill's story talks about that common sense would thus become uncommon sense, and that's exactly what's happened, you know, through working these steps, all these things that that used to be me, all these things that used to be my my, immediate reaction and how I used to to deal with life, they've somehow gone out the window. And this whole new set of ideals as the book set has come in. And, the the biggest thing, well, obviously, for so many of us is is becoming, recovered. You know, the obsession to drink, lifted, gone. Position of neutrality, Safe and protected.

You know, the 10 step promises that were in here. Because I imagine that getting sober would be hiding from alcohol, you know, not going out, not having fun anymore, not watching commercials about, you know, alcohol. You know, I just I could not imagine how this was gonna work, but they promised me that it was just gonna be gone. And I don't know about you, but from 14 to 26, I either had alcohol in my body or I thought about getting alcohol in my body. And so the thought that that was gonna be gone just it didn't make any sense.

But that 5th step and and, you know, all first, you know, 4th and 5th step and and, you know, all this stuff, all this shame and the guilt that came with my disease and, it was it was gone, you know, all the the victim role that I was so good at, you know, I was I'm the queen. Well, that's what she told me. She said I was the queen victim because everything that happened in my life, I would blame on on everybody else, you know, and and, especially the my first marriage, all the terrible things that happened there, it was like, if you wanted to talk about it, I would just vomit it on you. I would tell you these terrible things that he did, you know. And, I got tired of hearing myself talk about it, you know.

But it was it was what I could blame so much on. He's the one that introduced me to drugs. He's the one that drank so much. He he he he. You know?

And so as I began to do this work, and I I got to see that I couldn't do that anymore. And that was scary. Because if I stay a victim, that's pretty cool. You know, I I don't have to accept responsibility for my life sucks. I can blame it on you.

I don't have to grow up. I don't have to look at myself and and it was comfortable and it was familiar. Car accident. I used to use my car accident as a as a victim deal. You know?

I'd, god. Did you yeah. Scared. Let me tell you what happened. You know?

I would neglect to tell him. I mean, I would tell him was it I know. Actually, I wouldn't. Here's some truth. I used to tell people I fell asleep and hit a telephone pole.

I forgot about that. So we had a very strong Christian family, and so that's what they told everyone. We wanted to save face, you know, for the family and, see, I've just blamed it on them. Do you see how I just did that? They started the lie.

I just had to keep it up. But they did. They used it. That's that's kinda how the deal went, and I bought the story, and that's what I would tell people. And, I remember I'd go to bars and I would, because in the wreck I bit off my bottom lip.

And, it's long story how I got this one, but I bit my first one off. And so, when I would go to bars and I would drink, if I would spill, you know, people go, what? You got a hole in your lip? And I go, no. Actually, I was in an accident.

You know? And I would tell them the story, and they feel sorry for me, and I'd get something out of it. And and that's that's the kind of stuff that I lived in for so long, this victim stuff, the abuse, the blah blah blah. And so in in 45, you know, I really had to look at what the truth was and I had to make a decision. Was I tired of being a victim?

Was I tired of letting these things run my life? You know? And and it, at 26 years old, the the victim role, it just wasn't comfortable anymore because alcohol comes with the victim role. Because my experience was that victims don't get sober. And, after being a victim to my past for so long, I was ready to do something different and, what a freedom there was in that.

Because I couldn't do anything about my past. I couldn't do anything about the marriages and the the the idiots I'd picked to be in relationships with. You know, I I couldn't do anything about that. But what I could do something about was me and, freedom. You know, this, this book talks about that that we've got we've got 2 choices.

We're either going to die the alcoholic death or we're gonna live on a spiritual basis. And, forever I had been looking for option c, you know, because they pretty much narrowed it down to 2. And I was like, god. What about what about what about you know? And and after all of these options c's failing, I finally realized that it really does come down to that.

I'm either gonna seek spiritual help or not. And if I choose or not, then I know exactly what's gonna happen. You know, I'm gonna place myself in a position that, that I I've been before, and I don't wanna be there. And so everything I'm doing in this program is to help me seek spiritual help, is to help me go forward towards the light, you know, because we are we're either going one way or the other. And at at almost 7 years sober, I have I have definitely found that, it's pretty painful to not to not seek that light and to not go that direction.

I've gotten complacent in my sobriety. I've I've done some stupid things in my sobriety, but, by the grace of god, I get to to recognize my mistakes, look at my behavior, go clean it up, and try to do something different next time. And what a gift. Because last time, all I would do is blame it on you, you know, and go on down the road. But today, it gives me tools on on how to keep seeking that light.

And, and by doing that, for for almost 7 years, the obsession to drink has never returned. And I'm pretty clear that if I keep doing this, if I keep doing these these simple set set of rules that they've given me, that that my life's gonna keep going that way. By the time I got to, I think I had about 2 months sober and I and I've been through the work. The obsession had been lifted. And, my my I'll just call him Shane.

There we go. That's easier in deciding which ex he is. But, my my second husband, he relapsed and, and he really screwed that up because he relapsed. But, I began to really to really understand what it meant to, to rely on the women that were in this fellowship. Because, see, when I when I got here, I wanted nothing to do with women.

I didn't wanna be around them because, they were competition. They were they they wanted something. It just it I didn't have a lot of women friends. It was mostly men. And so when when, Shane was kinda taken out of the picture for a while, it was like I was surrounded by the women in this fellowship.

And, again, it was because they were they knew exactly what their primary purpose was. You know, they knew that, that they needed to carry this message and to help me. And, that was one of the first times in early recovery that I really began to understand that this power I'd connected to was real and it was tangible. And that, and that I was really free because I wanted the pain that came with with that with that situation, you know, I I knew if I would drink that pain would go away at least temporarily, you know. And I was terrified because this I had never not drinking before, you know.

And and I remember crying so hard that night that I just fell on the ground exhausted because I knew if I walked out the door, I'd get loaded because that's what Alicia does, you know. But just like the book says, I was safe and protected, and I crawled into bed and all I could say was help, you know, fell asleep. Woke up the next morning and it was like, oh my god. I didn't drink. And that was the first hand of god that I felt just him saying I've got you, you know, this is nothing.

You just hang on and see what I've got for you and you're gonna get blown away. And, I'm so grateful that that that happened because it it really helped me step out a little bit more on faith that this deal was real, that it was gonna work. And the the women that had surrounded me and the people that had helped me, and, and it's it's it's never failed me, you know, it's it's always been there. And, you know, this this god stuff was, was like I said, it was something I didn't really want to have to turn to because the god in our household, it wasn't real warm and fuzzy, you know. There was there was more of the the punishing and the the different stuff like that and the expectations and the rules were set so high and I couldn't live up to them.

So it was like screw it, you know, and then I'd have more guilt and it was just just a continuous cycle. And, you know, at 14, my dad took away my Go Go's and Cindy Laufer tapes and burned them because they were satanic. Okay. We got the beat. You know, so if if God hates the Go Go's, I'm screwed because I'm already you know, Kelly's starting and and and Kelly does a little more than just sing.

So, so this is the kinda you know, and that was at 14. So by the time I'm 26, my conception of god was very warped. It was very off. And so this loving and forgiving and and caring and and strong and, grace and mercy, all these things I know today were not in my conception, and it came from being willing to throw out, to lay aside prejudice that I had had against spiritual things, to lay them aside so that I could have a new experience. The god I know today was with me was with me in that car that night when I got in my wreck.

He has been with me in the many times when I've done things that I'm not proud of. He's been with me every time I've cried and looked at myself in the mirror and said this has gotta stop. He was with me through each one of those times. And my experience was that when I finally did cry out, he was right there. You know, he didn't say that's it.

You went too far this time or or you cried out last week and I said I'd help and you didn't listen. Not at all. He was right there. And I joked that that he was kind of on walkie talkie and he was like, she finally said it, get her get her get her, you know. She means it this time.

Because as I said, I was picked up and taken to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that next night, you know. And and the love that I felt in that room and the acceptance, you know, I was shown unconditional love by my sponsor and I in turn get to show to the women that I get to work with and, and what a gift that was. This, this primary purpose piece as far as carrying this message has been has been probably the the main thing, which the book says it's going to, but it's probably been the main thing that has kept me sober. Because as I said, I have not done everything right in my sobriety. I, you know, I have not done everything perfect and I've screwed up a lot, but the one thing that I have continued to do is to carry this message.

And and whether it be in in Podunk, Kerrville, Texas, you know, or actually Ingram, Texas, even more Podunk, but whether it be there to a newcomer that walks in there, or places I get to speak, it's like, it's, God keeps putting women in front of me that need help. And as I look in their eyes and and they can't even look at me, they're looking down at the ground and they're so full of shame, I know why, because I've been there. I know what they've been through, I know what they're feeling, I know the hopelessness that they have. And I have a solution. What an amazing deal.

No one wanted anything from me before. Well, not anything good, you know, dope or or whatever. But today, what a gift to actually have something. The book says we're gonna be able to, you know, we recovered and been given the power to save others. What an amazing deal.

And so I can sit down with the women that God places in front of me, and I can start them at the title page and begin them on this journey just like it was done with me. I remember one of the first girls that I sponsor or that I sponsored, she got loaded. She got drunk. And I called my sponsor and I said, I killed her. I didn't know I didn't really understand.

You just you just carry the message and see what happens. I really thought I'd screwed her up and done it wrong. But, the cool thing was is that, this this girl came in and out of this deal and and would even come to meetings drunk. You know, you you because she wanted so badly to be sober but just wasn't at at her end yet. She just wasn't ready.

And, I would work with her and she'd go back out and and it was just a cycle that she kept going through and and I remember one day I finally told her, I said, hon, I'm gonna love you drunk, I'm gonna love you sober, but call me when you're ready. And, being a woman that was hard to do because I get emotionally attached and I wanted to fix her and save her and do all this, but I let go. And what happened from that was one day I finally got the call that she was ready. And she was checking herself into a statement at treatment center and and, I was able to go out there with her and and begin the steps with her. And and, she's one of my best friends in the world today and and has, has about 5 years sober, and she's the godmother of my son.