The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Hey. Thanks. Hi. My name is Melanie Iverson. I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Melanie. And, I have been sober since, Saint Patrick's Day 2,002. So so I thought I was gonna speak next week, and so I had planned this whole weekend of spirituality and amends and a few other things. And so, ta da. You know, here I am.

But, anyhow but, you know, just, thanks, Matt, for asking me to speak. It it really it's a it's a huge honor. I love this group. I think the first time I came here, and I saw people speaking, and I think Kirsten was a secretary, then I remember thinking like, oh my god. I get to speak one day if I stay sober.

You know? Like, wow. I can all eyes on me. Woo hoo. You know?

And, and here I am, so that's great. But, you know, I really like listening to you guys talk. I really like what you both had to say, and I could relate a lot to both Maya and Cody. And, you know, my story, I don't I don't I used to think it was something very special and very unique and whatever, you know, and and now I just kind of, I'm just kinda happy to be a part of, you know, I'm just kinda happy to be a part of AA and, and and maybe not stand out or maybe not whatever, you know, just to be average here. And, so it's really not that different, I don't think, from a lot of people's.

I although I will say I was born in Minot on normal street, and I always thought something should happen from that, but apparently, it didn't. So, anyway, you know, I I grew up in a family, you know, and I really think that my mom and dad, they gave me everything, that they could, and and and they set me up for success as much as they possibly could have, and, and I respect them for that, you know, but but it it didn't really matter. I mean, it doesn't I guess, I don't think that I mean, they could've loved me till they were blue in the face and did all of the things I thought that they should have, and I think I still would be here tonight, You know? And I think that I could have grown up, with any sort of family, in any sort of background, in any sort of upbringing, and and I'd still be here. You know.

And, and so I don't really think that my alcoholism has much to do with with where I was raised and and all of that stuff. But, you know, I I did I grew up I grew up in a big family. I I had 2 older sisters, and then I have 5 younger siblings. And, and so I really had the middle child syndrome. You know?

And, and nothing was ever good enough. You know, it just didn't matter. It didn't matter what kind of clothes I had on. It didn't really matter what kind of car we drove or the house that we lived in or anything like that. It just wasn't ever good enough.

I always just wanted what you had. You know? And I always, I I still struggle sometimes often really with the grass is greener syndrome, and and I really like I don't remember who said it. Every everything's regurgitated, but I struggled a lot with that grass is greener syndrome. And, and what I think I heard someone say is that the only reason that the grass is greener is because they're watering it, they're mowing it.

You know, they're taking care of it, and, and that's hard for me to get because I'm lazy. I just want what you have, and I don't know, and I have to work for it, you know. And I just want everything to come easy to me. And so when I'm not the best, then I just wanna quit because that's dumb. You know?

And, and that's just how I lived. You know? And, you know, anyhow, so, so, basically, you know, I didn't really grow up around a lot of alcohol. I think that there's I mean, I don't think my family was normal. I don't think normal exists, in as per families go, you know, but I didn't grow up around alcohol a lot.

I knew that my dad was an alcoholic, and I knew that, and I only knew that because people told me, you know, and then I knew that my stepdad had had problems with alcohol back in the military days, but I never thought that that had anything to do with today. You know, I didn't I didn't I didn't see that and see kind of the ripple effect. And and it is not really important, you know, but, anyhow, so, you you know, we we moved around a lot, and I really liked that. I really liked moving around because, because I could just start over again. And I've lived I really like this thing.

I real I really lived, my entire life feeling like I was a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, like, that it just never fit. I just never felt comfortable. And in order to in order to be a part of it, in order to do some of those things, you'd have to shave off off for ends of me, you know, and then who am I? You know, and that's kinda how I always felt is that, it doesn't matter, you know, I'd go, I don't know, group popping or something like when I was a kid, I'd always try and be a part of that group because they're cool. And then once I got there, I'm like, well, that's dumb, this is lame, I'm gonna go with them, you know, and maybe they know what's happening or whatever, and and I just never really felt like I fit.

And and looking back, like, I never I always had friends. I always had people who would, you know, wanna call and hang out or do things or whatever, but I just never felt like it. I always just felt, uncomfortable, always uncomfortable. And, and, and so, anyway, when I, you know, I grew up in somewhat of a religious background, I don't know, but, I had a fair I thought I had a good understanding of God, and and so that's that's I I got a lot of attention for how good I was in the youth group and, what a great gal I was at church. And so, like, I really did that for quite a while, you know, until that got boring.

And, and I just wasn't really getting the results I wanted from the people around me. And so when I, you know, when I found alcohol, I idolized my older sister. Sister. I've always wanted to be just like her. She's the, you know, the volleyball, what is that?

I don't know. Team captain or something. Who knows? But, you know, she had she had that going for it, and I always just thought if I was just Danielle, I'd be okay, you know, because, you know, she's a homecoming queen and all of these great things. And so, one night, she invited me to go to a party, and I went, I was all about it, and I didn't know that I was gonna drink.

I didn't really know that that was gonna be a huge part of it. I just thought, whatever, you know, like, are you doing it? I'll do it. And so, I hated the taste of beer. I couldn't stand it.

It was so gross, but I chugged it and and then drank a whole bunch of Morgan and and some vodka and stuff. And it was just I was that girl all night long, you know, the girl who starts off laughing and falling and peeing and all of that stuff. And then and then, like, and then, like, ends up crying, you know, the why does it is it like me? You know? And, and that's that's who I was, you know, party.

And, and I got real sick, and I threw up. I mean, just all that same stuff, you know, and I don't. I remember just thinking, like, I, like, I don't know. Like, I I never got to do it for quite a while, but but I knew it was there, and I knew that it made me feel alright, you know, and I just wanted to feel alright. I just wanted to feel like a fit, you know, and, and I just didn't.

And, at least I didn't feel like I did. And and that's what I like, for me, I guess, I I think that a lot of my my alcoholism and and this whole disease thing is about the way that I feel. It's not the fact that I love Karkov Vodka, you know, like, Cody, I think you said Jack Daniels or something and I'm like, oh my God, I thought drinking good was Karkov, that was cold, you know. And, it's like $11 for a 1.75. Hola, you know.

Maya. And, you know, that's it. That's me. That's my bag. And, so anyway, like, I didn't I just didn't really get a lot of chances drink, and there's kind of a tight leash at home.

And then, you know, and then when the time came, I think I was a senior when I really started to to kinda drink a little bit, but I I mean, it was stupid drinking. It was like puckers, you know, like, who drinks puckers and wants to get drunk, but and not anyway. And so, like, I I don't know, like and I remember showing up at my senior party, and I didn't get my alcohol, and and I look back and I think, like, had I known what I what I knew maybe a year fast forwarded, I would have never ever gone to that party without at least a case, you know, and like like I just didn't know. I I didn't quite it didn't register that that was gonna be my fix, you know, and that was gonna make me around and fit. I just didn't get it.

And so, anyway, as soon as I graduated, I got the heck out of Dodge. I was tired of rules. I was tired of people telling me what to do. I was tired of curfews, and, and I just didn't care. I just don't wanna listen anymore.

And, so when I went to school, you know, I I moved in with my sister, my my family, I I am I have an awesome family, like, they've just continued to bail me out over and over again, and, they've just always been there for me, you know, and, anyhow, I went I went to school, and and, right away, it sucked because I was working all the time and work sucks, and everyone else is drinking. You know? And so then, got my priority straight, stopped working as much and started drinking more, so that was nice. And it really was just, I just felt like I fit, you know, and it but I but the thing with that the thing with alcohol for me is that I only fit for a night, and then it's like the next day I have stories to talk about and all of that stuff, but I still don't quite feel right. I still know, like, I I can't I don't even need the alcohol in my hand.

I don't even need to be drinking it. I just need to know that it's gonna be there or that I've got a buyer or you know what I mean? That, like, I just need to know that within the next x amount of hours or x amount of days, I'm gonna get drunk and it's gonna and I'm gonna, like, blackout. I love blacking out. I thought blackout drinking was the bomb, you know, because, like, it's like I because I don't like being mean.

You know what? Thank you. I just I was cool and and, and and it got me out of my head and and, that's where I don't know. Like, it was just that's how I did it. So, anyway, kinda fast forward through some of that stuff.

I had a blast drinking. I loved it. I had a lot of fun, but what happened was I started things started happening happening to me, and I I felt like the Moorhead Police were I always joke about it. I always thought they were racial profiling me. And, that was pretty ridiculous that they would do such a thing to a white Scandinavian, German, Irish, whatever girl, you know, and, I was just stupid.

I just got caught, and, and and and, and I got kicked out of the dorms at MSU. They just wouldn't weren't having much of me there because, something with the fire alarm that I wasn't my fault, you know, and, apparently, that's bad news, but, I got kicked out. My sisters bailed me out. I moved in with one of my sisters again and just continued to drink. And, and it and it really had passed that point of, I'm just drinking to go have fun.

I'm I'm drinking because everyone's gonna be there. It was just like, I cannot handle a Friday night without drinking. I have to go. I gotta get out of here. I can't talk to you, and my family would wanna do things together, and I'd be like, right.

So are we done yet? Because, like, I'm done. We're through. We're not talking about anything. I need to go get drunk, you know.

And and so I I ended up I I I was I I drank to the point where, I was always in the emergency room. Like, they knew me by my first name there, and, and it was just it was all all the time like that. You know, like, in a matter of a few months, I've been in there numerous times, had quite a few minors, and, thanksgiving. And on one of the times I had gone to detox, I had driven and my dad picked me up. My dad at that point had been like 3 or 4 months over, and he picked me up from the detox, on thanksgiving morning.

And it was just like everybody would walk on eggshells around me, and and I would just wanna scream at them, you know, like, don't you see the eggshells? Why are you talking? You know? And, and so so, anyhow, and it was just all about me and what I wanted and what I needed. And if and if you're gonna stand in my way, well, then why are we talking?

Why are you here? You know? And so, anyway, I I got I got to AA through, while I was forced to go to treatment or else I could have paid a lot of money, and I figured that the time in treatment is worth, like, whatever the $500 I had to pay. And so I I that's how I got here. And and the the last time I got drunk, I had, I really I really didn't think I was gonna get drunk that night.

I really set off the night thinking, I'm just gonna have a couple. I'm gonna go home, study for this economics test, and and it's all gonna be good. And and, you know, some jello shots, some beers later, couple plug or what is that? A couple gulps, I guess. I don't know.

Bubbles. On a on a never clear bottle bottle later, I was in the emergency room, and and I really feel like then I'd had an out of body experience, and I could see myself in this hospital room, and I could see just kind of the things around me. It was really surreal, and I woke up there, and my dad was there, and it was just like, here we go again, you know, here we go again. And so, anyway, so then after that, I went to treatment, and the last time I drank was like I it was March 17th, and, I actually was March 16th, but, god, if I would've known that was my last drink, I totally got hammered, but I didn't. Like, it was one of those nights where I'd come to a meeting or 2 at NPG, and I was really nervous about it, and I was really scared, and I just thought, I can control it.

I know I can. I know that there's something in me that can control this drinking because I didn't know where I'd end up at night. I didn't know whose house I was gonna spend the the night at. I didn't know if I was gonna drive. I didn't know any of that stuff.

You know? And so, so I I I drank that night, and I tried to follow my friend's lead because she's I mean, she just drinks normal, and it was the most miserable night I've ever had drinking because I was trying so hard to maintain what everyone else was doing, and it just sucked, you know, and so, and that's when I, you know, I got here. The only reason I got a sponsor is because a girl who I was intimidated of said, do you have a sponsor? And I was like, no. And she goes, why?

And I I didn't have an answer. I didn't know why. And, and and she scared me, so I thought I should get one, peer pressure. But, anyhow, you know, since then, I've had a sponsor ever since I've ever been in AA, and, and it I mean, it's really saved my life. It it's it seems cliche and it seems goofy, but I just I don't think I could be here without one, you know, because me left my own devices, I screw stuff up.

You know, I get so in the way and I get I just think that God's will should be my will, and if everything was, you know, if, tax went in the book, you know, if everyone would just align perfectly and do as I say, it would all be okay, you know, and I still live like that. And, you know, and if it weren't for a sponsor in going through some of those steps, I wouldn't have that, you know, and I wouldn't be able to, to get out of my head just long enough to be of service to someone else, you know, And and that for me is what it's a lot of it's been about. And, you know, and since I've been sober, I've been blessed so much, and I just don't feel like any of that is my own doing. When I got here, I was supposed I was gonna go to the student exchange in North Carolina, and I was all ready to go. And I'm that drunk that I always say I'm gonna do something and I never do.

I'm never accountable. I can never show up on time. I can never do the things I'm supposed to do. And, and I was really ashamed, that I just couldn't that I'd never went. And and a couple years ago, I, you know, I was able to go to England on a student exchange trip, and it was the coolest experience ever.

Right before I left, I found out I was pregnant, and I was pretty pissed off at God for that, because it's God's fault, you know, that, that I'm doing it. And, and so, but you know what? I I didn't want a kid. I wasn't happy at all. I was so mad at God, and I just thought, why are you ruining my life?

I had all of these things planned. I have all these things going on for me. I was gonna go get this awesome career far, far away from Fargo, North Dakota and and live this great life. And and, and, and it it it and it has been the most amazing thing in my life. I I don't think there's anything that I love more than my son, you know, and I feel that, and I've been able to stay with me and my husband, James, got married this last year, and I never I was never ever that girl to plan my wedding.

I I was not interested in planning a wedding. I was not interested in ever being married or being committed or staying with someone for longer than a weekend. Like, I just wasn't you know, it's not that's not really my thing, and, and it's been an amazing trip, you know, and and I and I think that when I got here, I really thought everything would be just perfect. I would just fit, you know, and and I fit in the sense that I got here, And, I mean, and I think we all get here in different sizes and shapes and and whatever, and it's just like we're just surrounded, and it doesn't matter what what we bring to the table. The fellowship in AA just surrounds us, and we're here.

And I and I just I fit today. You know? And, and and there's no shaving or anything off, and, and I really dig that. And so, you know, you know, recently, I would say that, it's been an interesting year. Like I said, I got married, I had a son, and it hasn't I mean, it hasn't been perfect and things haven't been all the time awesome.

I'm not always on cloud number 9 thinking, I have a son, and I'm married, and I have a job. Life is awesome, you know, because it's not like that. I still have to put forth some effort. I mean, like, I love my life, but it's a lot of work, you know, and that's just life. That's life for anyone.

Alcoholic or nonalcoholic, we all have to work for it. You know? And, that's just my opinion, but, lately, you know, I've been doing some different step work and working on the 11th step and the 10th step and going through some stuff, and just, I keep thinking, God, I shouldn't feel like this. Why am I feeling like this? I'm 4a half years sober, it shouldn't be like this.

It should be like, you know, like in the order that I had wanted it. And lately, I've really just come to terms that, that God's the director, you know, and that God's in the center of my life. And it's really right now, it really boils down to the basics for me. I'm consistent with my sponsor, you know, I'm calling other women, I'm going to the meetings that I can, and, and I'm not making up excuses not to answer the phone and not to not hang out or whatever, you know, and it's been so fulfilling and it's been awesome and it's been kind of rough lately. I've noticed a lot more character defects in myself, and the beauty of it is that I've been able to work through so much of that stuff, and I feel like I'm coming out on the other end a lot of that.

And, and it's awesome, you know, and I really am happy. And and today, I can be a mother. I can be the mother I never wanted to be. I can be the wife I never wanted to be. I And it's cool, you know, and, what was I gonna say?

And, you know, and lately for me, I think that something that I had struggled with was judgment, oh, judgment, and and not offering the same forgiveness and grace to people around me and not being understanding and not giving that unconditional love that I have been so freely given over and over and over again. You know? And, and, and and like I said, I I'm coming out on the other end of that, and my relationship with God today is nothing like what it was when I got here. You know, when I got here, I just saw a whole bunch of cute boys and thought I could find one so they'd drive me around while I drank, You know? Like, that was my reason for staying.

I stocked Steve Hammer for a whole year, and, poor guy. But, that was why I came here, and it's like the gifts and the things that I've been given in the last four and a half years surpass all my understandings. You know, they I just don't get it. And and, and so anyhow, but for me, you know, lately, sobriety has been a god thing, and and and I don't think that it could stay sober without a god in my life and without a sponsor and without the people, you know, the friends that I have to just go to invent and the sponsor I have to just go to and tell the truth. And, and, you know, and and in addition to that, being able to sponsor other people has been an amazing gift, like, oh my gosh, I have absolutely loved it.

I mean, I don't always love it, but like, it's pretty cool because, for 5 minutes in the morning, I can get out of my head and at least talk to someone else and not think about, well, this is what I have to do today, and these are the things I have to get done and blah, blah, blah, blah, for 5 minutes, It's about someone else, you know, and, and and that's such an awesome thing to have. And, you know, I've, people go people go. I've had friends go in the last couple years, and, and and I don't wanna be one of those. Like, I don't I don't want I don't want people in 5 years to say, do you remember that Melanie girl? Yeah.

I don't really either. You know? And, I wanna stick, and and and the only way that I know how to stick at this point is to keep coming back when I don't feel comfortable, when I don't feel like I wanna be here, when I'm tired, when I've got work to do, when I've got a sick baby, whatever, like, and and, and again, you know, working through those steps with a sponsor and being accountable to the people in my life. And, I've got a job today. That's, well, it's not a joke, but it's, it's hard.

It's a hard job, and I've never had to work so hard at anything in my life, and and I kinda go back to that, that whole well, if I'm not gonna be the best and if it's not easy, then I'm quitting. You know? And, and and I really feel like I I would be so I don't know, like, I just feel like, that I'm building the character that I've always wanted through taking some of the hard actions I've taken, you know, and I just don't think that me left my own devices, I could do something like that, you know, and and so, you know, if I mean, if you're new tonight, I think I saw someone over there somewhere raise their hand. If you're new, get a sponsor, you know, keep coming back. This thing works.

I mean, there's a ton of people here, and it's continued to grow. This meeting has grown so much. And, you know, the old cliche that what's good grows, you know, and and if it weren't fun, I wouldn't be here. And I was so nervous that I I was gonna get to AA and it was gonna suck and everybody's gonna be dumb and all of this stuff, you know, because my life was so great, sleeping alone at home, crying myself to sleep every night, you know, I was afraid you guys would be lame, but, but, you know, it's a beautiful life. It really is.

And I am I I just feel indebted to the program, and I feel indebted to the people around me and, and to my friends and and sponsors, and and so, thank you for letting me be a part of your life. Thank you for letting me come here and have the job. I'm a commitment cop, which is an awesome job anyway. So if you're not doing your job, you're gonna hear about it, but, you know, thanks for letting me be a part of that because I am so I am incredibly blessed, and, and I I just feel like I've learned so much here, and you guys have given me that, and you've given me the life that I never ever thought that I wanted, but now that I have it, I wouldn't give it up for the world. So with that, I pass.