The 4th interional convention in Toronto, Canada

I've never heard his story. I'm looking forward to it, and I know you are. Chuck. My name is Chuck See, and I am an alcoholic. You know, when I got the communication from Hazel asking me to take this spot this morning, I couldn't imagine why.

I think that now I know. I believe there are three reasons. 2 of them you've just heard, and the third one was she couldn't get anybody else to take it. So I appear here now as the horrible example that these good reverends have been talking about. I'm a simple guy, and I don't have any illusions much about myself.

I had 43 years to run my life, and I ended up a total failure in every department of life. A failure is a husband, a father, a businessman, a man, and a drunk. At 43, Now I take credit for that. I have been able to live now for something over 7,125 days without having to take a drink of liquor or a sedating or tranquilizing pill of any kind. And I do not take credit for that.

That is God as I understand him. There are little things that have been very, very meaningful to me over the years, and I'd like to share a couple of them with you before I get lost. I reckon it was 18, 18a half years ago, when a chaplain was in the audience here tonight this afternoon, showed up at a meeting in Inglewood, where I happened to be. He was from Michigan, and he was taking tour of the country, and he wasn't stopping any place where there wasn't an AA meeting, an AA group. And he'd been on Texas, and it picked up a little plaque down there.

And on this plaque, it said, if you're not as close to God as you once were or as you would like to be, make no mistake, you're the one that moved. And, Spenny, what I have to say, all we have to do is to come back home, and we find that God's always been there. And then one evening, early in my experience, a chap came up to me after the meeting was over. And he said to me, Chuck, do you know why it's so hard to find god? And I was tired, and I didn't wanna get into a long philosophical discussion.

And I would have liked to abduct him, but he had me on it. And so I said, no. Why is it so hard for us to find God? And the kid says, because he ain't lost. I've had that one with me a long time.

And then one Sunday evening, about 16, 17 years ago, 18 maybe, I had talked in the little town of Highland Park. And after the meeting, 3 of us were standing in the middle of the room with our hands on each other's shoulders, and we were reveling in the fact that people such as us could be returned from the land of the living dead into the land of the living. And we were saying 1 to another, how fortunate can a man be? And one of his wives wasn't talking much. He finally looked at me, and he says, Chuck, he says, I am ignorant.

He says, I've never read no books. There's no sense in me reading books because I don't understand. He says, I don't know nothing about the Bible. I don't know nothing about God. But you see, this no man can take away from me.

When I practice these principles in all of my affairs one day at a time, to the best of my ability, And when I ask for and hope for a little guidance and direction from some power which I don't understand. He says, I feel clean inside, and good things happen in my life. And when I could talk, I said, son, don't ever read no books, no time. I said this is what the book was written about. This is the thing itself.

Isn't this what you and I have always wanted? That we might feel clean inside and have good things happen in our lives. I believe this is the best definition of what AA does through us and to us that I've ever heard in my lifetime. And then this other little thing, One night, again, many years ago, I've been talking at the Broadway group, Los Angeles, and a chap came up to me after the meeting, and he was the very essence of well-being. He was dressed well.

He looked good, and he had a good look. And he says to me, Chuck, when in the hell am I gonna have this spiritual awakening? He says, people keep saying, keep coming back. Keep coming back. And sometime it'll happen.

But he says, it don't. And I said, well, how long have you been coming back? And he says, 8 years. And I said to him, have you had to take a drink? And he says, no.

He says, I haven't had a hemorrhage since my first meeting. And I said to him, no there is evidence of well-being. I said, well, what else has happened to you? And he started listening to him, and he just kept on doing. And everything good had happened to him, except he hadn't won the Vermont primary or something.

I don't know what. And by this time, I'm laughing my head off and he got mad at me. But this is very serious. And I said to him, man, wake up. You had it for the Jews, but you don't recognize it.

Now he said, could you get sober on your own? Oh, he says, no. But you came here and something happened, and you haven't had a drink anymore. And he says, yes. I said, did all these good things happen to you before you got here?

And he said, no. But you came here and something happened, and good things happened in your life. And he says, yes. And I said, well, all you need now is to recognize from whence it came, and start thanking God, and passing the ammunition, and you're home free. And then there's one other little story that grows in meaning to me as the years go by.

I don't know where it came from. But it's stories of 2 little fish. Seems that these 3 little fish had had lunch and all over the world were playing around in the water, having a good time when a big wise fish swam by. And he said, good afternoon. Children, isn't the water fine this afternoon?

And then he swam on off. And just as soon as he got out of hearing, these 3 little fish got together. And one of them says the man spoke about water. He says, what's water? He says, you, did you ever hear water?

He says, no. Says, how about you? No. He says, I never heard of it. And the third one says he's gonna die.

So they swam all over the Pacific Ocean looking for water, In which they lived and moved and had their being. Now I wonder if that hasn't been pretty much the way with you and with me. For 3 of my 43 years of life, I was looking for your God. I looked at many philosophies and in many religions, and I didn't find them. And in January 1946, I ran out of time.

Because long back there, 25 years before, I had found an elixir called alcohol. Now when I found this, it was not a problem. It was an answer proving that the problem was already here. If I hadn't needed an answer, alcohol would not have supplied it. But I needed it, and there it was.

And so our power to me was an answer for 15 years. But after 15 years, something happened, and my energy turned into a problem. And in the next 10 years, it beat me to death. I never was one who learned easily. I recognized 10 years before I got here that I had a problem, that I wasn't drinking well.

I had had a code for drinking just as I'd had a code for everything else in life, and I wasn't drinking according to my code. And I spotted this as a personal weakness, something that I had to overcome in order to get rid of it. And I spent that next 30 years working on my problem. And the harder I worked, the worse it got, and the worse it got, the harder I worked. And I am quite sure that I could I would be perfectly honest in telling you that in the last 5 years, 90% of my working time was spent on that problem.

And I was still saying to myself 5 years after everybody quit listening to me, I beat this thing. It was the last thing I ever do, and it came that close to being the last thing I ever did. I'm mindful also that on my next to the last drunk, after I'd made a little 6,000 mile joint in a blackout, I'd driven my car from Beverly Hills to Louisville, Kentucky to North Michigan and back to the coast, and I don't remember 5% of it. And I'd gotten home and had taken to the bed to finish my drunk. This is why I always finished them.

Was in bed drinking the clock around, and I never quit until I had so completely and totally depleted my body that I couldn't even roll over to look under the bed to see if I had another bottle. And this time finally came, and I had to quit. My family, for some reason, were not very cooperative in those circumstances. And so I quit. And maybe it was 24 hours or 30 6 after my last drink that I was able to get up and go to the kitchen to get a glass of buttermilk.

And Messer Sue and Dickie were sitting out in the living room, and they heard me let out of Bella and heard me at the floor. And they came running out expecting to find me in an alcoholic convulsion, chewing my tongue full of holes and babbling like an idiot as was my won't. But they wouldn't find me that way. I was just stretched out on the kitchen floor, peaceful as anybody ever saw. I wasn't doing nothing.

I like to go do you like a cadaver. I turned to you, And they tried to wake me up and they couldn't, then they got a little exercise about it. And nowadays, this just tickles me pink. You know? You remember when you used to come off the truck, and everybody in town was looking for you, 90% of whom all they wanted to tell you was that they never want to see you again.

Why the hell didn't the Netherlands alone? But now they have to seek us out and tell us. And I'm sure my wife and my kids had been praying for me to die for at least 5 years. And they came out and finally dead, and they got all exercised, and they got the oxygen squad down there. And after some other time, they tell me, they brought me around.

And there's a young doctor with him, and I was talking to him a little afterwards. And he told me to all intents and purposes that I was dead. He told me that nobody would ever be able to bring me back again under like like circumstances. And he told me that if he was me, he wouldn't do that anymore. He was a kid.

Well, it might have been another 48 hours when I was able to get the old dirty body over and then start walking. You know, when the late president brought out this dealie about walking 50 miles a day, I sure had to laugh. I've done that before 9 o'clock in the living room on thousands of occasions. So I got the bathrobe on, and I started walking up and down the living room floor, sweating, freezing, shaking, dying, and walking. And missus Z was standing over the the fireplace.

And as I walked away from her, she says, Chuck, don't you think you'd get a little help if you'd read the book Alcoholics Anonymous? She might as well hit me with a ball bat. I turned around and I said, you, my very own wife, suggesting that I read a book written by a bunch of drunks. I read all the good books for the good office. And you want me to read a book written by a bunch of drunks.

Why? I said, you ruined me deeply. How insane can you get? I've just been dead 48 hours before, And she wounded me deeply. And I polished her off completely by saying, and besides, I can write a better book than that myself.

So you see, I could not come to Alcoholics Anonymous until I'd run out of choice. As long as I had choice, my choice was never to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. By long before this time, I had already decided that the Human Race was a great cosmic mistake. And I didn't even like the good people and the drunks I hated Because I was a drunk and I hated me and I hated all of you. And the very idea of me coming to a bunch of drunks for help was absolutely obnoxious to me.

And I could not come until I'd run out of everything including choice. I gave it a good fight. I threw in the family, my wife and our kids, our home, my job, my health, my sanity, my money, And that's all I had, and I lost. And I found. You know, it's a funny thing.

On the next drunk that came around, It was a little different than all others because I got drunk immediately. And I've been a periodic in the last 10 years on purpose because, you see, I was gonna beat this thing. And you can't fight a very good battle when you're down on your back. So I would die until I could live, and then I'd build my body into good machine again. And then I'd psych up psycho myself or something.

And I'd analyze my last drunk. And I'd see where I made my mistakes, and I'd decide not to do it that way anymore. And then I'd get going again because I had to win. But I never got drunk in a hurry. I always sampled my way on back to bed.

I'd start in with 1, and it didn't do nothing. And then a few days later, I'd take 2, and they didn't do nothing. And a week later, I'd go out and have a half a dozen. Nothing. And a week later, I'd go out and have an evening's normal drinking.

Nothing. Not even a headache. And then I'd come up with that bright idea that this time I had done it right, I was normal, and that I could drink normally. And so I'd go about my business. I was a normal guy.

Well, in a few days, I would be drinking a pint a day, but anybody can handle a pint a day. That didn't bother me. And I drank a pint for a little while, and then I'd step it up to 2 pints. And after a week or 2, 2 pints, I I quit eating. And you can't live on 2 pints if you don't eat.

So I'd stub it up to 3, and 3 packs for a little while, and then I'd get the flu. Messineseed caught up and satrap's got the flu again. I was the flu in this man you ever saw. I had the flu for 5 years, and I was getting worse all the time so I'd have a worse disease. So I got fluency, and that's a good one.

You can go around holding yourself together if you don't shake. You know? People would say, what's the matter with you? Oh, I had a back injury last night. That lasted me for 3 years, and I was getting worse all the time.

So the last 3 years, I had to have a worse one, and it was the old kicker. Had a heart attack last night. And you know some after to put in there 20 years. People are still coming up and asking me if I ever have any more trouble with my heart. My heart never be a mister beat in his life.

The trouble was the trouble was mine when every time it beat, I jumped out at the back window. So I never got drunk in a hurry. I sampled my way back in every time. But this last time, I got drunk immediately. I'd have a little good fortune.

And if there's anything worse for a drunk than bad fortune, it's good fortune. My my, boss had called me in and said to me, you've had a lot of trouble this year. Now he didn't mention alcohol, but he knew that I knew what he meant when he said trouble. And he says, I think it's because of the pressure you're under because, you see, he was nonalcoholic. And he says, I'm gonna take a little pressure off of you.

So instead of shooting me, he gave me $3,000 for Christmas present. That's really what they put me under pressure. I'd won again, so I got drunk on the way home. And I missed everything between that night and the middle of January. And this is what I wanna tell you.

If my wife were talking, she's here, God love her. If she were telling this story, she would tell you that when I went to bed to drink to drink, I put away 7 quarts of Whiskey every 3 days. Now that isn't much whiskey if you just do it for 3 days. But if you stack enough of those 3 days on top of each other, you add a lot of liquor. And that's what I've been doing from the Friday before Christmas to middle January.

But sometime around the middle of January, I woke up. I had nothing in my body but liquor. I hadn't eaten. I hadn't done anything but drink. But I woke up with a clear head.

The clearest head I've ever had in my life, before or since. And for the first time in my adult life, I saw me without anything between me and me. All the excuses were gone. My god almighty. The red light's on.

I haven't started. I've got to hurry. You ain't going in the place now anyway, are you? This is the last meeting. Thank you.

And I knew that morning that I'd failed in the business of living. I didn't know why, but I accepted the fact that I'd lost the battle of life. I knew why Mississippi was divorcing me after 20 years. I knew why our kids wouldn't come home when I was around. And I knew why the boss had sent word to the house that if I ever stepped foot in the plant again, he's gonna throw me through the window.

I totally and completely accepted the fact that morning that everything dear to me in life was gone, and that I wasn't entitled to have it back. And it suddenly became very necessary for me to be sober till I died. And for one reason and one reason only, I did not want sobriety for myself because my life was over. I knew I was gonna die, and I didn't care. But I needed the time I had before I kicked off to try to rub out the record.

I didn't want my wife and those kids to remember me as nothing but a tongue chewing, babbling idiot drunk. And the last thing that went through my mind before the curtain came down, and I was again sick, insane, and drunk. I remember that I'd read Jack Alexander's article in The Post in 1941. And I said to myself, if I ever live to get out of this bed, I will find a a. And then down came the curtain, and I had a lot of dying to do.

But from that moment till this, I have never had to take a drink of liquor, or a sedating or tranquilizing pill of any kind. Now that is God as I understand him too. And to make it quick, I didn't have any idea. I've used all this time up, But to make it very, very quick, I have no illusions about me. I cannot run my life.

I cannot run my business. I cannot run my wife or kids. I cannot run anything. Period. What can I do?

I can practice these principles in all of my affairs, one day at a time, to the best of my ability, And I can share me with anybody that wants me, my experience, strength, and hope in love with anybody that wants me, and that's all I can do. And if it isn't good enough, I've got to die. That's all I can do. And that's all I do do, and it must be pretty good because I never had it so good. I never had it so good.

Not only have I been sober for putting into 20 years, but my family was put back together. I got a new body. My business life was put back together. My social life was put back together. And I have a family as big as this world whom I love and who love me.

Now all of this would seem to be enough, wouldn't it? It's quite a lot to a guy that would have settled for the meanest, old, unhappy old and happy sobriety on the face of the earth. But I have something else. I have a god of my very own. That's like my shadow.

He goes in and out with me. And wherever I am, he is. And every experience in my life, both the so called good and the so called bad, I share with him just like a little old not headed kid. I talk to him all the time. We talk with each other.

If you'd follow me out of Laguna up the canyon, Tuesday morning coming up, you might not see me say anybody in the car but me. And I might be laughing. I might be crying. I might be having quite a little talk with somebody, and you wouldn't see anybody. And it would be going something like this.

Look, father. I'm reporting for duty. I'm gonna move it around. I'm gonna do the best I can with what I got today. And all I want out of you is little guidance and direction and the power to carry it out.

Sure. Thank you. Or I might be saying, look, dad. Look what I did yesterday. Isn't this awful?

Isn't this a hell of a thing for a guy like me to do? I know better. I know why I did it. I don't like it, and I'm gonna do better. And with your help, I'll do a lot better.

Sure. Thank you. And I throw it away. And when the good thing happens, we talk that over too. I say, look, dad, isn't this terrific?

This couldn't happen to a bum like me, but it did. And I know where it came from. I sure thank you. And we throw that away. Because you see, this is my day.

I have no past. I want no future. It is my business to walk in this way. It is my business to practice practice these principles in all of my affairs. It is my business to share me with anybody that wants me, and it is his business to take care of me.

And all I gotta do is thank God and pass the ammunition, and that's all I have done. And I've done it, and I'm gonna sit down. God bless you all. Thank you very much. We've come toward the end of a wonderful morning.

Gee, it's afternoon. And to put the finishing touches on this for us to make this memorable occasion just a little better, we give you Bill. As you and I know, every AA meeting, whatever kind and purpose, is really a communion. And a communion is a time when we gather together under god's grace. We close every communion with the prayer of our lord.

But before we come to that, I would like to recall to you that to us early people and countless ones since, we have heard over the centuries the voice of Francis, one of the greatest followers of the master. He has voiced our aspirations as none of us could. It is altogether fitting that you share with me the prayer of Francis. Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. And where there is sadness, joy. Oh divine master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand.

To be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Now let us conclude.

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Resign as the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.

Amen.