The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Hello, everyone. My name is Kelvin Daniels, an alcoholic. Due to the grace of God, Miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 steps in the big book, I've been sober since October 10, 1996. Talk about Iceland for a minute. Just just get this whole thing straight.

The reason why it sunk is because they put me on one of their horses. I don't know if you guys ever seen an Icelandic horse, but they're little. They're tiny. I mean, the damn thing should've been riding me. You know?

And and this and this thing starts running, and I realize it's running because it wants to get this trip done quick, you know. And I jerk back on the reins, and that thing goes, oh, no. And it sends me flying off the horse. Well, it's a good thing that the sharp pointy rocks were there to break my fall, and it's not my fault the damn thing sunk in the horse, you know. I mean, the whole thing just went right out.

But, it's it I'm I'm, humbled and privileged, today to be speaking in front of my home group. I haven't been here for the last few weeks. I was in Iceland, like Tony said, for about a week, and and, then I've been away training for my new job, for for a couple weeks. And that's it's one of the funny things is when I say new job, it's like exciting for me, you know. And and Tony's right, I am dramatic.

I'm kind of a drama queen, but, I have a lot of great gifts and a lot of great things that have been happening to me lately, and I'll I'll get into that later later. But I grew up in Minot on the Air Force Base, and I remember every time from being a kid I know it's it's a bad deal. But from being a kid, I just remember this whole thing about not quite fitting in, not quite feeling quite right, not I've always felt like the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. And I'm the kind of guy that I I have this hole in my gut. When you look at me, you don't look at me, you look through a guy like me.

And I've never been able to fill that hole up. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I was born with a piece missing or what the deal is, but I've got a hole inside. And I've never quite known exactly what how to put my finger on what the real problem is. And I grew up and I had I had all kinds of problems.

I've I've talked about this before, but I had an identity crisis. You know, it's it's funny because when I was in Iceland, what I realized was is that and I told these guys this, and I'm I'm sitting in a room full of Icelandic people, you know. And for to my knowledge, is the only black guy in the island. And and when I told them that I might be related to some of them, they all just looked at me like, oh, no, you know. It's like that one uncle or cousin you don't want to show up.

You know? I got that look from them. And what had happened was is that my mom's white and my dad's black. So if you kinda get this mental picture of of this identity crisis of mine, it's a Viking ship with twenties instead of shields on the side, and the guy's name is Leroy Ollie Olsson. And and I that's why I just had this feeling of being like that, you know.

I mean, it's like, and you didn't think this, but they had fried chicken back in Iceland in those days. I know they did, you know. I mean, it was just it was one of those deals that I didn't quite know where I fit. I did not quite know what will the problem was, And I'm always searching. I'm always grabbing to try to find something to fill this hole.

So I grew up uncomfortable. And the book describes this this my natural state is being irritable, restless, and discontented. What happens is is that I I'm I'm restless. I'm irritable. This discontentedness that I have just nothing nothing's ever good enough for me.

And and my sponsor says, if you ever watched a dog lay down, they circle and they circle and they drop into their spot. I'm a dog that can't find its spot. I just seem to never be able to get comfortable where I am. I'm never able I'm never comfortable being who I'm with, where I'm at with them. I always wanna be somewhere else and in some other conversation or somewhere else that is with somebody that's better than who I'm with.

So nothing's ever good enough for a guy like me. Nothing ever seems to quite fill the void that's inside. No matter what I get. I can be the guy that says, I want this for Christmas. And I get it and it's a wrong color.

You know? And I'm like, thanks. I wanted a purple Ferrari, jerk. You know? I mean, it's just like it's nothing's good enough for somebody like me.

Because as an alcoholic, in my experience, I raise my expectations to a point where they cannot be reached. And I do it in relationships, and I do it in every single aspect of my life. Because it's suit because the thing is is that if I have friends, well, they're not friends like him. You know, that guy, he really has good friends. You know, my friends and they can be trying, and I'm gonna raise the bar.

You know? Well yeah. Well, see, if you treated me more special, we'd be better friends. Well, let's start treating me a little more special, and I raise the bar. And I'm like that in relationships.

I'm like that with jobs. I'm like that with anything. There's never enough money. There's never enough anything to fill the hole that's in my gut. Nothing fills it.

And I got a chance to drink when I was about 12 or 13 years old and I finally found something that fills it. Because alcohol does for me what it doesn't seem to happen to any other as the book describes, the average normal temperate drinker. I am not of that type. I am a chronic alcoholic. It describes me on page 21.

I'm a real alcoholic. I do not know how to go through and get anything out of life unless I can use it to access and pull it all in. I have to fill the hole that's inside of me. So when I take a drink of alcohol, something happens, a reaction happens in my body. The book describes it as a phenomenon of craving.

When I take a drink of alcohol, a chemical reaction sets off and it tells them to get more of that and not stop. Just get it, get it, get it, go. What happens for a guy like me is if that was the only problem I had when I came out of jail or when I got in trouble or I came up out of a detox or a lockup or something, I would never have to drink again. Consequences alone would be enough to keep me sober. But the problem that I have is is that I have this little thing in my head that tells me it's gonna be different this time.

You know, you don't have to worry about that. Yeah. You're on probation, but there's no way they're gonna come give you a whiz quiz tonight, you know? Do it upright, you know. And in the mornings, I never once woke up ever and said, you know, tonight I want my mom to look at me and tell me that she's ashamed she ever gave birth to me.

I didn't wake up with that plan. Never once. I never once woke up and said, you know, tomorrow morning I'll wake up, I'm gonna be covered in blood that's not mine, not remember where I've been. I never said that. I never once woke up and said, you know, god, I really miss those itchy orange carrot suits that other people have worn.

Think I'll go to jail for a while. That sounds like a good trip, you know. I never woke up once in the morning and said any of those things, but they're all things that kept happening to me. And the consequences weren't enough for me to be able to stop that action. They weren't enough for me to be able to stop the behavior.

What happens is is that I have this other little thing called the obsession of the mind. It's the thing that clicks off and tells me that I can do these things as the book describes with impunity. That I can be able to drink like you. I can party like you, I can dance like them, I can do whatever they're doing, I can do it. I can handle it up.

It's all good to go. I can do it. Because see, alcohol's not my problem. Because if alcohol was really my problem, when I would get in trouble it would be enough to get rid of it. So if alcohol was really my problem, the morning that I got out of jail and I was in and I had my my 4th felony charge hanging over my head and I sat there or my 3rd felony charge hanging over my head, and I sat there and went, I'm not gonna drink.

No. Seriously, I'm not gonna drink tonight. There is no way that I'm gonna drink tonight. And by the time I'm going out there to get ready to get discharged, the thought pops into my head, you know, Mickey wide mouths are little. You know, they're they're small like this.

It's like a 10 year old should be drinking them. They're so cute and tiny. You know? And so there's no way a Mickey wide my mouth could hurt me. There's no way possible, and it's just one.

And I get to the liquor store and I start looking around and I realize they don't just sell one little Mickey Widemouth. He comes with 5 of his friends. And and so and the thing my mindset goes, well, it's only $2 more for the 12 pack and since I'm not drinking anymore, that's gonna last me at least a month, you know, because I'm not drinking anymore. I'll tell you what one Mickey wide mouth turns into a guy like me. It turns into my 4th felony charge for insulation of a riot.

I don't know how that happens. One time, it's a cute little Mickey Widemouth. The 10 year old should be drinking it. The next time is, I say, let's burn this mother down, and I didn't think anybody would listen. Nobody ever listens to me.

You know? So everybody starts doing stuff, stuff's getting broke. Oh, god. And then everybody does this as soon as the cops come, you know. Daniels did it.

And I I couldn't stand the feeling. I can't stand the feeling that I have when I'm not messed up. And alcohol only does so much for somebody like me. It only can get me to a point so often because I can't drink 365, 247. And I have times when I have to actually go to work, and I have times I have to do things.

And there's a lot of people who refer to drugs as outside issues. For me, they're not. The co founder of our big book used more drugs in 20 years, and he'd actually drank, and he used them to be able to maintain his drinking. So when it comes down to anything like that at all, that wasn't it isn't an outside issue for me as far as my experience goes. I use things in between to fill the hole that's in my gut just enough so that I could maintain so I could get to my next drink.

That's how I operate. I use anything. I've got this hole. See, the thing is that hole that I have in my gut, I didn't realize that that was something that was missing that I couldn't get on the outside world because that hole always seems like it's shaped to the thing that I want the most. That hole looks like a woman sometimes because women look like they'll fit in just right and fill you up.

Sometimes it looks like money for a guy like me. That oh, I've got a money shaped hole. It's nothing a few grand won't fill in, baby, you know. I mean, just if I could just I gotta go gamble. I gotta go gamble so I can get the money to fill the hole, you know.

I tell you what, it's a car shaped hole. It's a car shaped hole. I'll go out and I'll get a car, and after about a week, after you've been driving around, you've seen 8 other people with that same damn car, The shine of it wears off, and all you're stuck with is the payments. You know? And then you're sitting there going, oh, that doesn't fill it either.

I searched my whole life trying to fill something to find that to find something to fill that hole. And the one thing that I missed the entire time was the one thing that I thought I had. One thing I thought I had. Because when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I was completely broken and completely destroyed. I had nothing left in my life at all.

I had, done fairly well in sports growing up in school and and, I had scholarship offers at several colleges for football and wrestling and and, and one thing just keeps falling apart after another. And the thing is, I don't think it's my drinking. I if you put me on a lie detector and I don't I'm not gonna tell you it's my drinking because drinking doesn't seem to be my problem. It's the only thing that makes me be able to look you in the eye. It's the thing that that prevents me from pulling the trigger.

That's what drinking does for a guy like me. So I tend to stop all of that process. I tend to stop all of that stuff and try to manage well, try to maintain. I'm trying to rest that satisfaction out of life. And I'm trying to make it quit because everything screams up here.

I don't know about you, but when I get up in the morning, it seems like my mind gets up 2 hours before I do. The alarm could be set for 7 AM and my mind's up doing push ups at 5, you know. So by the time my eyes open, that thing's in full gear, and it's running, and it's going. I gotta I gotta I gotta I gotta I gotta. And it's just moving and moving and moving.

And you got it over here, and then they don't really like you, and you shouldn't even be going that job because they hate you and and everything else. And then my mind just I don't know what calms that down for you, but a few drinks makes everything seem possible for a guy like me. And I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, and the thing that made everything seem possible for me was done. See, I can't drink, but I can't stay sober. And I'm stuck in this limbo and I can't and I'm going back and forth and I'm dying.

And I got into Alcoholics Anonymous at age 20. I didn't mean to get sober. I didn't wanna get sober. I walked in, and I met a gentleman that saved my life. Saved my life.

Because the day that I walked into that meeting, I I went there the week before, and I was dirty and grimy and nasty, and and and I ran out of the meeting as soon as I heard Kenny speak, you know. There's no reason to run when Kenny talks. Not at all, because Kenny's a great guy. But what I heard for once was the first time that I heard anybody talk about the way I felt. And I I don't know what you do when you're ran and controlled by fear like me, but I bolt.

And I did exactly that. I bolted. Because for once, I heard somebody else mention something that sounded just like me, and I know how to handle it. And I came back that next week sober, and, I'm walking up the sidewalk to that meeting. And it's funny because I'll stand outside and I'll watch newcomers come walking up, you know.

They'll they'll be walking from over at the center, or they'll be coming from somewhere else, or somebody hoodwink someone, throws them in the car, and then they're they're walking in up to that meeting. Oh, god. They're all in ties. I'm underdressed. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. You know, and you see him coming up. And the thing that that guy did for me that day was that he walked down the sidewalk and he stuck out his hand and he said, Welcome. And he brought me into the circle because he was a circle of people that he was in And they were laughing, and that was the first thing I heard when I came back to that meeting was laughter. And I come walking up that sidewalk and that seemed like that circle went and opened up.

And I stepped right into the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And what happens what happened from there was, I went off on a on on an amazing journey and I'll call it synonymous. And and, Jeff and I had worked closely together and went to a lot of round ups and did a lot of conferences and a lot of action in Alcoholics Anonymous, always going somewhere to do something, always going somewhere to to to pick up a new guy or do something like that. And that guy taught me how to work with newcomers because I would sit down and have to be the guy that asked the questions. I don't know if anybody's ever done that, but you grab one of your sponsors and you get that new guy and you're like, alright.

Now ask me all the questions. What do you mean, man? I already know it. Just ask the damn questions, you know. And you get over there and he'll go, so do you know why we do you know why that we why we get a sponsor, Jeff?

And he would go, why, yes. I do. And he'd go off on the tirade. I've heard this 37 damn times. I don't wanna hear it anymore.

But I'd have to do it, and I'd sit there, and he'd work on these guys. We'd be out to coffee till 2, 3 in the morning. There'd always be a newcomer around. And some of those guys stayed, and some of those guys left, but there was always an example like that in front of me. And it was a beautiful thing to see because the action that I saw that had turned into was was amazing.

But what happened is is is I started doing Alcoholics Anonymous and and, and I started doing AA for the wrong reasons in a lot of times. See, I don't think there's any wrong reason to take action, but for a guy like me, it turned into that a little bit. Because see, I'm the guy that does stuff and stays active in AA so I can judge other people for not doing the stuff I'm doing. That's what I do, you know. And I'm the guy that turns around and and will pick apart every single thing that somebody says.

And I separated myself so badly by the time I was almost 8 years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, that I really didn't feel like I had a friendly place to go. And I pulled myself so deeply away from the people that I grew up with that I was close to an Alcoholics Anonymous because the judgment machine was running full in my life. And I was still trying to find something to fill that hole in my gut. And there was times that it seemed like it was full, so I stayed. But there was other but it it would empty out and I would never have anything.

And the thing is is I always diss depended on a sponsor kind of for a higher power and I always depended on on something like that. But the problem is is when you're sitting there at 2 in the morning and you can't get a hold of that guy and you've distanced yourself so far from everybody else that you don't think that they're active enough for you to call. That's a lonely place to be, And suicide seems like a great option when you're 8 years sober. And I did that. And what happens is is a guy like me, I I was a jerk, man.

I mean, I've done a lot of things. I've judged a lot of people and and I'm the kind of guy that God, it just there seems to be 2 types of AA. There's there's the way I do it and the way that the rest of you do it. And if you just did it my way, then we'd get along so much better, you know. And if if you just did it like this, then, you know, if you just did it like this, then everything would be fine.

And I would sit there and I'd run that thing through, and I'd run that thing through, and that judgment machine would keep kicking in and kicking in and kicking in. And I kept getting farther and farther and farther away from what I need. Because if you get to a point if you ever get to a point in your head like me like I did, where you think that you're a big shot. The 10th step describes the 12 and 12. We suffer from big shotism, you know.

I thought I was a big shot. I thought that I thought that a needed me, that I need a a. And the good thing is is today that I know that that I need alcoholics anonymous. I was gone for 3 weeks, and it's good to see that the meeting didn't fall apart and that that the building is still standing and that Simmons didn't burn it down or something. You know?

I mean, he breaks stuff all the time, floods toilets. I mean, we're not thrown on the last church because of him. And right in the middle of the main speakers talk, all of a sudden you see this big blast of water come to the ceiling and we're like, you know? And Simmons goes running up like, Simmons plugged the toilet. You know?

Even if he didn't plug it, there's no way he's gonna be able to say he didn't because now everybody thinks he did, you know. And it's and it's, I'm I'm nobody. I'm a small part of a great hole in Alcoholics Anonymous. And the thing that makes me realize that today is is that that hole that seemed that I couldn't find something to fill it in, the hole that was in my gut, it ended up being a god shaped hole. The funny thing about a God shaped hole is is that other stuff looks like it fills it in all the time.

And God always seems like he's just a hair too small to fill that thing in for a guy like me. He always looks like he's just that much off. Because see, if I fill that hole with him that means that all this outside stuff that I think that makes me look good doesn't really count. And it really doesn't. It really doesn't.

I've, I went through a lot of stuff this last year. My, my father-in-law and mother-in-law started living with us in November because my father-in-law got diagnosed with pancreas cancer. And, and it's I live in a twin home, man. You know? I don't have a big fancy house like Mike does, you know.

I mean, you know, or chat or any of those guys have big blinging houses and stuff, you know. I mean, I live in a twin home, man, you know. There's 3 bedrooms, and there was 5 people in my house. When you wanna watch TV, too bad because they get to pick the damn channel. That's what's going on, you know?

And it's when you wanna use the bathroom, you gotta wait in line. I got 2 bathrooms and I was waiting in line, you know. And I'm just god. I'm just pissed. But I'm sitting there and I'm learning that thing that talks about in the book of love and tolerance of others being our code.

Because what I had to realize is that those people been loving and tolerating me from the time they met me. It was my time to give back. It was my time to give back. And, we had some we have and on top of that, right after that, I find out my mom has a brain tumor, and, she's down in Mayo Clinic right now. Haven't been able to contact them for 4 days, so I don't know if they did the surgery or or what's going on, but they're only given about a 20% chance coming off the table, you know.

That's going on in my life. And and in the midst of all that stuff, see, I I don't know about you, but I've hasn't always been the best employee either, you know. I mean, I'm the kinda guy that thinks golf should be a part of the corporate package, you know. I mean, it really should. And and that vacation time, you know, that you don't you never get enough of that stuff, you know.

I mean, it's so you gotta take a little here and there, you know, to to make sure you're really not getting screwed because they don't pay you enough, you know. So I'm gonna make up my time elsewhere and and, you know, I I I always took this attitude in everything I did when it came down to it because I always felt like people owed me something. When you got a hole in your gut, you're trying to fill up with outside stuff. There's nothing that's gonna fill it. So I sat there and went through that and and I had to leave that company and and I went to another company and everything was gonna be great and we're gonna go train the entire corporate world, man.

It's gonna be great. And they put me on video. They got a billboard, and my ego went and I'm walking around like this is gonna be the best thing ever. I lost my butt. Yeah.

You know? I mean, none of this stuff we had a whole bunch of big projects fall through and I just god. I just screwed everything up. Screwed everything up. And the whole thing is is that I started working for this new employer this new employer and it's funny.

I've never ever met anybody like these people. Zach is working for the same company and we're down there and and all this stuff is going on, you know, and and, and this guy owns a meat company on top of this huge business. It's just one of his little side projects that he has that has turned into, like, this $1,000,000 company. You know, it's just like, I want a side project that's a $1,000,000 company. I'll just do that for a while, you know.

It's like, God! And so we go in there and they get this huge bat full of beer brats on on, last Friday of, Saint Patrick's Day. And and there's beer in there. So So we walk in, and the brats smell good. And I'm like, oh, man.

You know, there's beer in there. And the guy comes in, and and Zach and I are standing there. And the guy looks over, and he goes, you see that crock pot over there? And we look over there and here's a crock pot. He goes, those are your guys'.

They're non alcoholic brats. And and he makes and I almost cried, man. You know? I'm like, you made me bring the and I'm I seriously, that was emotional for me. You know, I'm like, he cares.

You know? Because all my life, I just wanted people to care. You know? That's all I've been missing. My inner child got hugged, you know.

It was beautiful and and it was amazing and I and little things like that, man. Just little things. And it's and my life today is you know, I I got so bad in between my 7th 8th year of sobriety that, I, I turned into a monster in my own home. Absolute monster. I, was not practicing these principles in all my affairs in any way shape or form, because see on the outside, I want people to think I look good.

But as soon as I get behind closed doors, the irritable, the restlessness, and the discontent had turned had turned into homicidal, insane, and maladjusted. And that's how I'm acting in my home. And I'm yelling and I'm screaming and I'm not being a husband and I'm not being a father I'm being a monster And I'm just dying of alcoholism, and I on the outside, I was the cochairman of the state roundup. I was the past chairman of the inner group. I was sponsoring all these people.

On the outside, I'm trying to be mister an a, and on the inside, I am just dying. Just dying. And, I tortured my my wife and I tortured my daughter, And I cannot believe that they had the strength to stay with me. And what ended up happening from a result of that is is today nothing has never ever ever been better in my life. That little girl is, we take her in for this modeling shoot.

And I know I've said this before, but it just kills me every time. And she's sitting there and she's sitting in there in the mirror, and they're putting makeup on her. It's the first time she's ever had it on, you know. And she's looking in the mirror with this makeup on and she looks back at me and she says daddy, am I per am I beautiful? And I said you're damn right you are, honey.

You're beautiful. And and I have these gifts today and I come back from Iceland and my little girl almost knocked me over. She jumped into my arms. And tonight when I left for this meeting because I was down in Sioux Falls again today and I had to come back and I've been gone for the last 3 weeks, and today I'm leaving and she's ballin'. And the funny thing is is that I'm okay with that because the reason why she's crying is because she actually wants her daddy around.

That's what she wants. My wife, has been dealing a lot. I mean, her her dad is nowhere near out of the woods and and, she calls me when I'm in Iceland and leaves me this voice mail. And she said, I know that our lives are not normal. And you do all this stuff and everything else like that.

She goes, but I'll tell you right now. She goes, I never thought I'd say this, but you're my normal. You're my normal when all I want is my husband home. That's a gift for somebody like me. Today, my life is richly blessed.

I have an amazing group of men that I sponsor today. Amazing. Ever from the time I was 2 days short of 2 weeks sober until today, I've always been involved in both sides of sponsorship. Always. And I have a group of guys today that allow me into the front seat of their lives and allow me to help be their catalyst to God.

That's all I really am. And anything good that comes for me today is not of me, it is of him. See, I'm a selfish, self centered, egomaniacal jerk. And when I run my life that way, when I take my will back into it, I end up screwing things up. See, I had this problem with not getting my way, and my sponsor said, you know how the easiest way to not get your way is?

Or the easiest way to get your way? And I go, no. I thought he's gonna drop me a pearl or something. And I go, what, Bob? And he goes, to not have one.

And I'm like, how in the hell do you do that? You know? I was just furious and I and he's and he laughs. He laughs at me. And it's and I'm right with you because you know what he said to me?

I call him up and I'm like I dropped this big problem on him. He goes, you know what the best thing about this is? And I go, no. He goes, it is not me going through this crap. It's you.

I'm just, you know. I just took my knees out from underneath me. And the thing that's funny today is is today I get my way. But the thing is is that when I get my way, it seems to be God's way. It's funny when that happens.

Anytime I try to get my own, it seems like I don't get my way. But it seems like when I'm operating on his wavelength and doing things to help his kids, taking that other centered action that doesn't involve me and my own will, it seems that I get my way. So if somebody just told me when I was new, Guess what? Your way is God's God's way is the way that you need to do things, and if not, you're gonna suffer and die. I would have been way better off, but I wouldn't have the experience to be able to help somebody else that goes through the same thing.

And I'll close with this thing real quickly is that, I've done a lot of terrible things in my life. I've been a terrible person in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the one thing that I know today is is this, I would not change any one aspect of it because I don't know which one of those things was the thing that broke me down enough to be willing to accept his will over my own. And until I got to that point, I couldn't truly be free. And thank you for my life.