The Northern Plains Group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Fargo, ND

Hi, everybody. My name is Derek Chaney, and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober since, May 6, 2000. Sitting down there at night thinking about what my last drink was, you know, I'm hearing Bolte talk about the old Jack Daniels and I never did have one favorite drink. I liked a lot of different alcohol, especially free alcohol.

I mean, when starting off, free was good, but my last drink was, Captain Morgan's spiced rum with Strawberry Pop. That was nasty. Tried to share it with my neighbor too and he looked at me like I was nuts, but you know? For me, listening to Sherry oh, Dave, thanks for asking me to Sherry. I was listening to Sherry there talk about the litter box.

I don't have anything like that. The only thing I did is I tried peeing in closets during the middle of the night. You know, I I was caught a few times, you know, strange locations where I was caught. You know, sometimes they tell me in the morning, I'd be like, no. You know?

But that probably explains why, you know, I had some relationship problems. Maybe I was peeing in their closet, and they don't want to say anything so they dumped me, you know, that makes sense, you know. For me, I started off drinking at the age of 13, Didn't like taste alcohol. Did it at first to fit in. I'd dump out my beers so I could fit in, be cool, act drunk.

But then when I finally did get drunk, it was like, wow. You know, all of a sudden, rather than being shy, staring at my feet, staring at, you know, just being insecure. I could talk to people. Probably would say more than I should, but it was great. I had fun.

You know, our typical drinking experience would consist of finding a garage where we could steal beer from. I didn't have a job, so we had to steal. Didn't have to, but chose to. And then we would find another garage with a deep freeze so we could get some meat, so we could take down the park and we'd barbecue. And then entertainment section would set in, and that would consist of running the streets, like, late at night, making noise, doing whatever until we would spot the cop cars coming.

And we knew them by the headlights, and then we'd make sure they could see us, and then we'd start running. And, you know, we're playing like cat and mouse with cops, and it was a blast. You know, that adrenaline rush you get would be something else. Never were caught, but, you know, laying in corn patches and gardens, and they'd walk by and roll over, you know, and you're like, whoo. And that's just the way I roll.

You know? Consequences? Who cares? Go see a probation officer. You're out of there.

You know? Authority did not affect me. You know? The only person that really affected me was mom. You know?

God, mom. There's one rule. 6 o'clock supper, if you did not show up for supper, man, you didn't wanna hear it. You know, if you're in the cop shop, she'd come down, she'd say your brother set the tone for you, you know. If your brothers won't have acted up, they won't be picking on you.

It's because of your last name. Pretty soon, it'd be the old man, you know, and he never really lived in Jamestown, but you blame him and so, you know, consequences really not too much. Drinking was fun. It it made me feel like I fit in, you know. At the time, I didn't think why drink so I can talk to you.

I drink so I can date you. I drink so I can stare at a girl, you know, rather than as soon as she'd spot me, look away, you know. So that's how it went. 1st girlfriend, blind date set up. I'm sure I got drunk that night.

Probably a week later, I got her pregnant. A couple months later, I married her. Here in Fargo at the courthouse, I live in Jamestown. Mom gave us a ride here. Yeah.

Mom gave us a ride home. That was our honeymoon back in Jamestown. Lived with mom by the way too. That was great. I did get a job and you know, but that job was great because we could drink beer there.

You know, it's a godfather's pizza and we could drink keg beer. And, that was more important than going home, so the marriage didn't last. And, next relationship I got into, I told that girl, I said, you know, my drinking can't be an issue. If it's gonna be an issue, we're not seeing one another. And, I mean, what a strange request.

And she said it was okay if I drink. I think she was attracted to the bad boy, you know. And, about 30 days later, she was complaining about my drinking. So then the lies started to set in, you know, I'd have to hide here, hide there, you know, all that good stuff. But she was pregnant, too, within a short period of time.

So ended up getting married about a year and a half later. Drinking was a lot of weekends and, well, I went off to college for a year without her. Well, I drank every night. That was fun. That was a whole new experience, a whole new set of friends.

No real consequences. Did really well grade wise too. That was a funny thing. Because in high school, I was like, I opened up my diploma going across the stage to make sure all the signatures were there. And in college, you know, I did well and still partied, End up finishing there.

Came to Fargo, started working, started going out with the boys after work. She'd call the bars, you know, and they'd say page for Derek. And all the friends would be like, who's calling Derek? You know, and I hated that shit. Oh, excuse me.

But I hated that, you know, they teased me about it and then, she finally said, why don't you answer when I call? Because simple answer is I don't wanna be asked to come home. Yeah. That's why I'd say it once. I mean, I'd think it, I wouldn't say it.

So finally, I took the call. She's like, come home. I'm like, no. She's like, come home. No.

She hangs up on me. I can't enjoy my drinking. No? You know? So I never took a call again in the bar from her.

And I was, like, skip that. Needless to say about 3 kids later. Yeah. 3 kids. One DUI, that was a consequence.

Broke my back, rolled the pickup three and a half times with 2 guys with me, and they flew out the windows at 60, 55, 60 miles an hour. Nothing happened to them. Thank God. You know, but I broke my back. And 3 weeks later, I'm at a wedding reception in Phoenix and it's time to go to liquor store and get or I mean, the grocery store and get nothing but liquor in the cart because I'm setting up a bar.

You know, I've got this turtle shell on and but I'm ready to go. My mom pain pills on and they wreck drinking too. They're just like, I don't like that feeling. And, you know, and I didn't see anything wrong with that time. And, but anyhow, what ended up happening in that marriage is she found a boyfriend.

You know, and I did not like that. God, I was mad. You know, I couldn't just walk away and say, okay, I'll go get a girlfriend, you know, or whatever because I like controlling is the bottom line. And I and then I tried my control to keep my hostage, as I like to call it nowadays. And some of those control methods to express my love to her were botched suicide attempts, which would consist of emptying all the pill bottles, leaving the house, call from a pay phone, talk like, you know, stuff like that so she would be, like in my mind, it's like, I hope she realizes that she's doing this to me, that I'm gonna kill myself because of what she did.

And, you know, about the 3rd call, I'm at a payphone at stop and go, and I'm talking to her. And, I mean, by this time, she's got neighbors there and blah blah blah. And all of a sudden, the sheriff's pull up behind me. I'm like, oh, no. This isn't good.

You know? So I've watched them walk up, and I'm still talking to her. And they asked me if I'm Derek Chaney, and I'm like, no. Who's that? They're like, can we see your license?

I don't have one. You know? And they're like, well, your vehicle is registered to him. And I'm like, yeah. I suppose.

Busted. You know, but they were nice enough to give me a ride home that night. I flunked the breathalyzer and they gave me a ride home. They said they would park my vehicle for me. I told them I'd drive it, and they said, no.

You can't drive. You're drunk. But they gave me a ride home. I was like, god. Not too bad.

But that wasn't the end of it. I mean, I kept going, and we kept going back and forth. And there was nights where the cops would come to the house, and I'd be out the door running and hiding underneath decks next to fences and they'd be walking by and it's like reliving younger days, you know. It's kind of exciting. And at the same time, I'm mad at her, you know.

So it's like, woah. And but I'm not getting my way, and I'm not winning her back, and I'm drinking more and more progressively. And I like Coke and I also like the other form of Coke a lot. And when the alcohol wasn't working anymore, I started doing a lot of that. Boy, that really wacks you out.

And so now I'm doing both and things are just going downhill in a hurry. As I'm being released from the psych ward, my ex mother-in-law asked me if I thought I had a drinking problem. And I said yes for some reason. So I have to I have to see an evaluation guy, and I'm like, go to work. I have a couple days to do it before I do it.

And guy at work is that 4 DUIs is coach me on what not to do. He's like, don't tell him how much you drink. Lie. Tell him you drink just maybe one beer once every 2 weeks. You know, so for those couple days, I'm contemplating this, but I'm getting tired of drinking and I wanna quit.

So I go in there and I tell half the truth and they recommend I do extensive, outpatient treatment. And then they told me the nights and one night was Tuesday night and I thought about that. You know, I tried telling the guy and explained the guy how important it was that I showed up at the bar to shoot pool because I was the captain of the pool team. And how why do you want me to do this? So we went round and round.

Next thing you know, I agreed to it. So I'm in that, outpatient place and graduated from there. I felt comfortable there. You know, I I felt comfortable because I related with people there, and I was the focus there. But what happened is I graduated from there, and I I went to 1 AA meeting at the clubhouse.

There was a guy with rose colored glasses, and I was not like him. Absolutely not like him. So the guy I went there with, we both agreed that we weren't coming back to AAE. That was our tour of AAE. We're done.

Graduated, went to the fair that summer, maybe a couple weeks later, drinking, and I saw it. It was like a little, treatment reunion. There was like 4 people from treatment in the beer gardens drinking, you know. And they'd see you and they'd be like, oh. Once they saw a beer in your hand, they're like, hey, how are you doing?

You know? Hey, hey, hey. And back and forth with the X, I'd go boom boom boom bouncing around, we'd be fighting, cops were called and I was usually a pretty nice guy when the cops came to the house. You know, I hid from them a couple times in the house. I mean, they even got a locksmith out there one night and picked the lock and didn't find me, you know, I was hiding good.

But the times they did find me, I was nice until the handcuffs came out. And then, oof, I was like, you know, I'd question them on their relationships with their girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever. I ain't care. And they'd always say they had a good relationship. I'd say, yeah, that's what I thought too.

You know, or, I'd inform them I was gonna sue them in the city as I'm in the back seat handcuffed, being escorted downtown because they hadn't seat belted me in. You know, just anything I could. I want them to feel as bad as I felt is what I realize now. You know, I just wanted to pick on them. And, breathalyzers, you know, I'd do anything to get out of those.

A buddy of mine told me a chew would mess it up, so I stuck a chew in. Let me tell you, it doesn't mess it up. You know? Because that that night, I sitting down there and trying to call a lawyer, I couldn't focus in the yellow pages. I mean, I literally couldn't focus.

And finally, I was able to make a call. And and then, he proceeded to say I was delaying, and he was gonna take me to the hospital for blood test. And I'm, like, whatever. You know? So off the hospital, we go on.

I'm being booked in by the lady there. Nice lady. And she asked if I had any allergic, allergies or any medical conditions. And, you know, I'm a manipulator. So I was like, you know what?

Last time I gave plasma, I bled like a pig from that needle. You know, he didn't even say anything. He just grabbed me by the shoulder, lifted me out of the chair, and I'm like, where the hell are we going now? He's like, well, you never told me you had a problem with needles. I'm like, well, you never asked, did you?

You know, so off, we went back and so then, you know, I'm blowing Chew into the breath lyzer machine and they don't like that too much, you know? I still got the DUI by the way in case anybody's thinking about it and I was guilty. What ended up happening is that's going on. I went back treatment, tried to sober up. That tour, I decided I could do cocaine and not drink.

Right in their bathroom, I'm doing it. Made it 5 days, but then I drank. And, what ended up happening is I came back. I was getting ready to move to California, Nevada, Wyoming, somewhere. I made it as far as Hankinson.

I had to stop and get had to stop and get a room, lose all the money I have had, and then I came back to Fargo. Got a sobriety test that night, passed it, went home, You know, got into an altercation one more time with the police. That next day, I woke up and I was just beat. I mean, I was, that's it. I'm going to treatment.

Inpatient. Went to inpatient and sitting there in the lobby waiting. I don't know what that was going on. I was out of it. But, anyhow, waiting to get in.

This guy by the name of Bill, security guy, came up to talk to me. And, he gave me a Coke, bought me a Coke, and I thought that was cool. But in I went, and I didn't know what to expect. I knew I couldn't quit on my own, though. I knew that.

I knew I had to be put away. And so I got in there, and I had this counselor that was smarter than I was because I'd try to manipulate her and try to get things to go my way. And she'd tell me things like just shut up and do it, you know, and challenge me. I'll show you. And that was 90 meetings 90 days.

And so I agreed to start going to meetings again for the second time. And, so I got out of there and I was gonna do 90 meetings 90 days. Going to clubhouse every night, same four people down to the frying pan on Maine to have coffee and I'm starting to get bored and three members that I can remember from this group were at a Monday night meeting. They were, Ron r, Bob, and Kenny. And this Ron guy was just all happy, and he was like, I don't know if he's bipolar or what, attention deficit disorder.

I don't know. He's bouncing all over the place, you know, and he wants to take me to a different meeting, and I'm fearful to do it on my own, and he's offering to take me, and I'm, like, yeah, I'll go. So he says, well, I'll pick you up. I'm, like, well, I'm partial, you know, where's the meeting? He explains.

I'm, like, well, it's right on the way home, so I'll stop, and I'll pick you up. I'm like, God, you stupid. How many times I gotta tell you? I live close by there. I'll pick you up.

See if he shows up in his little red car or some other clown in the front seat, and they make me get in the back, and I'm resentful at that, and they're all dressed up, and I'm in a t shirt and blue jeans. And we get to the church and it looks like a wedding let out and cute girls there. I like that. But then I'm resentful that nobody told me to dress up. You know?

But we get out, and we went in the meeting. People were shaking my hand and being nice. And, I liked it. People were upbeat, and I thought the Bibles were gonna come out at one point, but they didn't. And, you know, and, this guy kept calling me every day.

He'd call me every day. You know, hey, this is going on. I told these people you'd be there. Oh my god. Why did you do that?

You know? And that's how I first started hanging out and started doing things. And and, you know, my biggest thing was sobering up. How am I going to have fun? I mean, because before in my brief periods of trying to stay sober, my idea of fun was going to the bar, playing blackjack and drinking Coke.

It didn't work, but that was my idea of fun. And, you know, this guy is telling me all these guys are playing video games. It's like, I don't give it. You know, I play video games, you know, and he's like, just come hang out, you know. So I, you know, I just started hanging out and started doing things.

And about a month sober, I went to international in Minneapolis and Simmons had a room that I stayed in. There was I tell him there's like 14 drunks and everybody says there's only like 6. I don't believe that. But, you know, I was in that room and there's 60,000 drunks in Minneapolis and that was a fun time. We had a really good time there.

I mean, it was just something else. People were having fun in sobriety, and I didn't think that was possible. I started meeting with Ron, who ended up being my sponsor, once a week. Wednesday nights at 10 or 10:30. I can't remember.

It's a weird time. I'd show up there and Girling would be there and see Kemper across the hall. And, you know, we'd sit down, you know, we'd go we started going through the book. I didn't understand a thing about it, but we're, you know, he was reading and I was listening to him. You know, I knew one thing I couldn't drink anymore.

Or I could drink, but I didn't want to. You know, I knew if I was gonna drink, you know, it's gonna get bad. I want I didn't wanna go back to where I was at. So, you know, we're going through the book and, you know, every every week we're meeting and, like I said, I didn't understand that, you know, how to hang up on God because, you know, I can't see him. I couldn't touch him.

I couldn't, you know, feel him. It's like, how can you believe in something you can't grasp? And, you know, and he just said, well, in time it'll come. And so, you know, we kept going along and, you know, and, like, got to the 4th step and, you know, I'm supposed to be I did the 4th step like I did my binder and treatment. The ink was drying as I'd show up at his place, you know.

And then one day, he said, the ink still looks wet. Is it smearing? And I'm like, how the hell does he know that? You know? And, so, you know, I'd start getting a little started getting a little more serious about that and did the 5th with him, and I swear he fell asleep as I was doing it.

But it was good to go through the steps with them. I mean, he was explaining things to me in the book or out of the book and, just keep me active going places, doing things, and, you know, and when I sobered up, the way I was with my kids was when they'd show up for the weekend, I have them every other weekend, they'd show up Friday night. I'd order a pizza and I'd go get drunk. Some mornings on Saturday morning, I'd wake up and they'd be there. Some mornings, they wouldn't be there, and I had no idea why they weren't there.

And so by sobering up, I had the sponsor telling me to that I had to do what I said I was gonna do. Meaning, like, when I'm supposed to have the kids, I'm gonna have the kids. Because there's one point where I told him there was this round up and I was gonna not have my kids that weekend. You know, I was gonna call up the x and say I got something more important to you. Don't place AA first in your life He's like, no, you're gonna take your kids this weekend You know, I thought he'd tell me do AA first, you know, and but that's it.

He started putting consistency in my life, showing me consistency. Because before, it was like I didn't have consistency. And some of the benefits from being sober are today, I don't have those anxiety attacks like I used to have. I mean, before, my blood would just boil when I wouldn't get my way, you know, and people won't do what I want them to do. Relationships have always been a struggle.

Before I sobered up, after I sobered up, you know, before I sobered up, give you an idea of the type of women I liked, they drank like I drank. I had a bill collector calling me once, And this bill collector is calling me from Sears because I charged a snow blower, and I never would take the call. You know, caller ID. Why take the call? So she takes the call, and she proceeds to tell him that I was killed in a head on collision the night before with a drunk driver.

And I'm like, no. And, you know, and she, all of a sudden, cups the phone. She goes, what county are you in? She's from Indiana or somewhere. And I was like, oh, we're in Cass.

Oh, it's Cass County. You know, and I'm like, guys, this is crazy. But I'm thinking, you know, it's not a guy's voice. It's a woman's voice. I'm clear.

So she gets done with that. You know, I thought, no way is this working. You know, like, 2 weeks later, a letter of condolence to the family of Derek Cheney came to the house, and I was like, sweet. Yeah. I wanna I still haven't made an amend on that, and it's coming, though.

Trust me. You know, another suggestion that was given to me by my sponsors, do not get in relationships for your 1st year. I think I did it in my 1st week. You know, there's a treatment girl I disliked, liked, and disliked. You know?

And, she was fun, though. Just bipolar. God, she was fun. You know? It's just the way it went, you know?

It wasn't until about 3 years of sobriety that I decided not to be in a real every relationship would always end the same. They would end where I'd be resentful and it's like, why don't they like me? What am I doing wrong? At about 3 years, I decided to take I took about 11 months off from dating. And in that time, you know, I hung out with the guys who did a lot of things.

I went golfing, did this, did that. The next time I started dating, it was different. Why it was different? I'm not sure. I really don't know.

But, you know, following that, you know, finally taking that suggestion, you know, worked. I think part of it is too when I'm in relationships now, I share more with my sponsor what's going on and follow some direction there. Some of the other things, sobriety hasn't been easy. You know, I faced some difficulties that everything hasn't been great. You know, one of the other things I started doing, like, getting a sponsor.

Sponsor is like gaining trust in them. You know, it probably took me about a year and a half of this current sponsor before I really trusted him, tell him everything. Because I'm fearful if I'm gonna tell him everything, he's gonna judge me. You know? And I'm putting all this time and effort in trying to stay sober, and it's like, why why won't you be totally honest?

You know? So I started getting honest with them. Like, one of the struggles I faced was I mentioned earlier, I went golfing. And this one summer, I went on this golf escapade. Spent way too much money, and I foreclosure came on the house.

I'm struggling with the house and tell him to sponsor, you know, I can call mom up and borrow this money and I'll be okay. He's like, nah. That's how you always rule. Goes, why don't you try facing it and dealing with, you know, facing the consequences? I'm like, well, I could lose the house.

He's like, well, maybe that's what it's gonna take. And, so, you know, I I I followed his direction on that. I'd never called mom up and he kept telling me, you know, he goes, things may not work your way. And I had a hard time with that, you know, but I when I face it head on, I learned from my pain. I haven't missed a house payment since then.

That's been, like, 2 years. So I feel pretty good about that. You know, I guess, some of the other things are, like, relationships have been rebuilt. Like, with my kids, I have a good relationship today. I take them when I'm supposed to take them.

They ask me things. They share things with me they never did before. Relationship with mom isn't where we get on the phone for 5 minutes and I start telling her the f off or she tells me, you know, hangs up on me or whatever because that's the way it used to be. And, I mean, my mom has opened up and told me when she was 18 down in San Diego, she went over to Tijuana, and she was kidnapped by some Mexican somewhere, you know. And they were taking her off in the deep Mexico when somebody showed up from some authorities and they brought her back stateside.

You know, and I think, well, maybe I didn't fall too far, you know, from the tree or whatever here. She told me a lot about my dad too. My dad was much like I am. The biggest thing I could say with to somebody that's new here tonight is just keep showing up. Patience is patience is a virtue, I think, is the saying.

We lack patience. I know I lack patience. Especially when I was new, I wanted things to happen overnight. I want all these feelings of insecurity and difference to leave. And, you know, I've had talks with my sponsor where, like, I need more spirituality.

Where's the book? And, you know, it's the answer is always been, be more active. You know, And, you know, his answer has always been be more active. It's always the answer, be more active. And when I finally concluded with that is when I'm more in this program, I'm not thinking about myself.

And when I don't think about myself so much, my life goes smoother. And, you know, and that's a great blessing as I you know, as you could say. So if you're new, get a sponsor, find a home group, get a commitment here. Because if you don't show up, probably 10 people will tell you you didn't do your commitment. Accountability is great.

Just keep coming back one day at a time. Thanks.