Step workshop in Slidell, LA

Hi, everybody. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self supporting through our own contributions.

AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution, does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Could we have a few moments of silence, please? And we'll follow that with the serenity prayer. God, grant me serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Welcome everyone to the weekend with Don P meeting of the Strange Camels Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. This weekend is an open AA meeting. We are you are all welcome, but in observance of AA singleness of purpose, only alcoholic share. My name is Karen Morrell, and I am an alcoholic. And by the grace of God and the actions of AA, I've been sober since April 12, 1992.

I'm very grateful for that. Okay. The Strange Camels Group of Alcoholics Anonymous meets every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 7:0:7 PM for exactly 1 hour. Monday is a closed discussion meeting. Listen up now.

This gets involved. Wednesday is a closed big book study. Friday is an open beginners meeting. The last Monday of each month is an open birthday meeting, and the 3rd Tuesday of each month is an open workshop meeting. We discuss the solutions of Alcoholics Anonymous for recovery from alcoholism.

If you are not an alcoholic, you might wish to attend the Monday night meeting of the Strange Chameleons Al Anon Group, which meets Hey. Careful now. This is all just in fun. They are a pretty fun group of characters too. But they meet in the next room.

We're louder than they are, but they're there. Okay. I think we have, at least one person I know celebrating, an anniversary. And I would think I think that, Bernard wanted to give out the chips tonight. Come on up here.

My name's Lou Benoit. I I got a chair for my AA sponsor 10 years today. Little Bernard. Let me should I do the rest of them? Sure.

Sure. K. We do have other little tokens. Don loves the first one. Thought I'd just tell y'all that.

We have, a little green chip for, 24 hours of sobriety or for anyone that has a desire to stop drinking. Anybody want one of these? Okay. Is there anyone with, 1 month of sobriety? 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year, or any multiples of years.

7 years. Whoo. I already got a chip. You already have a chip? You just want a hack.

I just want the and now it's in and it showed it. It works. Yes. It works. Thank you very much.

Okay. We strange camels believe strongly that having a home group is vital to every alcoholic's recovery and we invite you to join our group. We also have a class of membership for those who have a home group but wish to participate in our activities, which we call friends of strange camels or strange friends. Our friends enjoy all benefits of members except holding general service offices such as GSR and handling the money as Molly says. If you would like to become a strange camel or a friend of strange camels, see our secretary or the meeting chairman after this meeting.

You know, one thing and, I'm just I'm just gonna say this real quickly. One thing I love about our group is that that we laugh a lot. We go in, we sit down, we we introduce ourselves and we we clap our hands and we hoot and we holler and, we laugh and we have fun. But, we are we are serious about, about recovery from alcoholism and all of us are, are afflicted and but, you know, it has been a wonderful, wonderful journey. And tonight and this weekend, we are very, very fortunate to have Don with us, and Jackie.

We picked them up from the airport, and we went to drove through Christmas in the Oaks, and it was absolutely beautiful. And went by Molly's for a little while last night, and they were tired and we were tired. And then got up this morning and we've we've played around a little bit and had some fun. And and now we're gonna have, a weekend of more fun. And, you know, that's one thing I like about the the fellowship.

I thought when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous that life was over And that I was never ever going to be able to have fun again for the rest of my life. And what I have found is that I have met interesting people, fun people, and my life has gotten a whole new meaning. And I'm very grateful, very, very grateful for that. I would like to introduce you to Don P from Aurora, Colorado. I don't know if he will tell you this, so I'm going to.

He has served as delegate for his state and also as a world trustee at large for Alcoholics Anonymous. And he has done a lot of a lot of good things for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and for the people that have come in his path. And I know he's touched a lot of people, and he certainly touched my life in a very special way. And with no further ado, I will introduce you to Don, and I will sit down. Don't make James mad, but I gotta move this just a little bit.

I'm fine. I am messing with you. My name is Don, and I am an alcoholic. And I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous in good standing tonight. I haven't had a drink or a thought of a drink since December 26, 1967.

And I say that to impress Danny, Not with me, but with the fact that, Danny, if you're an alcoholic, you don't ever have to drink again ever. If you hear that you have to stay sick forever, just turn around and walk away because you don't. I welcome, Diana. I'm touched. We're gonna have a 3 hanky meeting tonight and bring your boxes of tissues tomorrow.

My home group is known as an AA group. That's our name. The long form of the 3rd tradition says that any 2 or more alcoholics gathered for sobriety may call themselves an AA group, so we do. We meet at 6 o'clock every Friday morning in the basement of a community correction center. We gave up a lovely living room where we were meeting.

This is a bunch of big book fanatics who just tend to keep going through the steps. And when we get new people, I just have to go through the steps because they don't know any better. And, we were meeting in Marty's living room, and it was really nice. They live in a loft in downtown Denver, great circumstances, but our conscience began to bother us because we can't carry our message if you have to be invited. So we gave up our comfortable home, went into this crummy basement or this crummy place, and, the group has grown.

And we generally have 10 or 15 inmates every week, and they don't have to come. They do have to get up real early. There's no deadweight in my home group. Doesn't mean we're all models of mental health, but we are there because we believe in what we're doing. This is gonna be an interesting weekend for me.

I hope it'll be interesting for you. I'm used to doing intensive weekend retreats, and I'm used to giving talks. To combine them is a brand new experience. I've never done this before, so you're gonna have to help me. 15 or so of you have already told me what I'm supposed to do this weekend.

I reported in about 20 minutes ago, and we'll try. I'm a living demonstration of the power of God. It's just very simple. There is no human power that could possibly have done anything that made it possible for me to be here tonight. And I know because I tried most of them.

I'm an alcoholic who did not know he was alcoholic. We're gonna cover steps, and I'm gonna read the big book. And I'm gonna give you my view and my experience, and I hope to get some of yours too. We're gonna cover traditions and the principles we live by along the way. If you don't hear what you came for tonight, come back tomorrow.

I want you to think about the fact that I have, what is it, 6 talks to give. I've already told you everything I know Any importance. Okay. So I'm gonna share an awful lot with you. I appreciate that opportunity.

About, what's it been now? Four and a half years ago or so, I came to the end of the road again, physically. I'd contracted a viral infection that brought me to my knees, And, they put me on stuff called interferon, which makes you really sick, which I really needed. I was already there. And in the midst of that, one of my messengers came by.

And, Danny, a lot of what I'm gonna say tonight is for you. Listen for the messengers. We each have messengers, and I have to learn to listen to them. Because I've listened to everybody, I'm gonna be heading in too many directions. And I know how to recognize my messengers because from day 1, they're the ones that showed up.

Anyway, one of my messengers came by, and we'll talk about that, and said, would you like to come with me? See, my messengers are always moving through. I'm always moving through. You need to understand I'm essentially on my way to Australia. I'm just here for a while.

They're busy people. They have been touched by the hand of God, and they're about his business, but they're always willing to stop and have a cup of coffee or meal or even spend a couple days fishing. But they're on the way and they're doing things that, are important. And I'm an alcoholic. Just going to work every day is not possible for me.

I'm a person that needs a cause at all times. Okay. To get out of bed and go put in 8 hours and get a paycheck is silly. I'd rather steal, and I've I've done that. It didn't work too well either.

I need a cause. And, anyway, Tom came by and said, I'd like to have you come with me. So four and a half years ago, in the midst of being told if this doesn't work, you're dead. I was called to leave my home, my family, my group, everything that I knew and had and had worked for and believed in, and go to North Carolina where they don't even speak English. They speak southern.

It saved my life. K. When you're sick unto death, the only thing that will save your life, in my experience, is to get off your ass and go help somebody. That's what this is all about. I'm here tonight not for me.

I've been given a gift of life and sobriety and it's not for me. The only way I get to keep it is to give it away and that's why I'm here tonight. Well, I went and in the midst of all of that, I had about a 2 year sabbatical in addition to everything else. And you're gonna hear about that 2 years this weekend. Maybe not day by day, but the journey that I made when I first got here, the journey Danny's making, the journey we're all making, we go from one surrender to another, and this was a major surrender.

There were days down there in North Carolina where I said to God, take me home. If I'm gonna die, I wanna do it at home, not here. And, anyway, so we'll hear a little bit about that. Messengers, I'm a messenger tonight. I have a message for everybody in this room.

If you are alcoholic, you don't ever have to drink again. If you're not an alcoholic and you love 1, they don't ever have to drink again. I am a recovered alcoholic. I'm no longer in recovery. I was.

Everybody has to be in recovery for a while, but you can only stay in recovery just so long then you gotta get about the business living. Recovery is a terrible time. No kidding. I mean, there's something going on all the time to remind you how sick you are. One of my dearest friends just had a hernia operation, and he his experience is key to recovery from alcoholism.

You know, they cut him open, sewed the muscles all back together and inside, and now it's healing and it itches, and he can't scratch it. I mean, it's inside, and he can't scratch it. That's what recovery is about. It itches and I can't scratch it. It's a wonderful time because you never ever forget it, and when a new one comes along, it's your turn.

I detoxed the last time in the Denver County jail. It was a 6 weeks detox. In addition to alcohol, I'm also one of the freaks that came out of Berkeley in the sixties, screaming out where there's dope, there's hope, burn down city hall. And I had been injecting amphetamines for about four and a half years in addition to my drinking. I am not a drug addict.

Just taking drugs doesn't make you a drug addict anymore than just drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic. And I say that only because the steps to God will work for anybody, but the foundation has to be truth. So my job early on with new people is to help them find out the truth. That's what you did for me. You sat me down, helped me find out what the hell is wrong with me.

Once we know that, we can deal with it. But I didn't feel good. 6 weeks of leg cramps and head cramps and headaches and pounding on my legs, that went on for 6 years. But that 6 weeks was mean and I don't want to ever forget it, ever. I don't believe for one second that remembering that detox will keep me sober.

I've been through worse than that and drank. But what it's done has made me a pretty good sponsor. So you can come to me at 5 weeks going, I'm going to die, and I can look you right in the eye and say, not yet. You still have a week to go. I drank alcoholically from my very first drink.

Some people catch alcoholism on a bar stool. Some of us were born with it and all it took was alcohol to set fire to it. And I say that based on my understanding what alcoholism is, it's real simple. If when you're drinking, you find you are unable to control the amount you drink or if when you wish to stop, you find out you cannot stop entirely, you're probably alcoholic. That's one of the simple ways it got to me.

We're gonna go over the doctor's opinion and a lot of other stuff, But I sometimes have to find words other than the big book's words to communicate what it is. I sponsored a psychiatrist one time. He was a beaut. He knew too much. And we're reading the doctor's opinion because that's the first thing I do if I sponsor you.

You come to my house, we sit down, I read to you because I know the basic problem of most alcoholics is they can't read. So I will never say to somebody go read the big book. That's a dangerous thing to put that in the hands of a newcomer without some guidance and attention. Anyway, we're reading the the doctor's opinion, and I'm watching that information go in his head and disappear and get lost in everything he knows. He didn't get it.

So I started praying because that's what I do. The reason I like new people is they caused me to pray effectively. God, what am I gonna do with this one? That's serious business. People who are on the edge of death or insanity put themselves their lives into my hands, and I don't take that lightly.

That's scary. If you work with very many of us, you know that each one of us is a challenge. So So, anyway, I'm praying. Well, how do I say this? So he gets it, and I heard it come out of my mouth.

I said, Don, what happens to you after the first drink? He said, well, around the 4th or 5th or 6th drink, I start losing track of where I'm supposed to be next and what I'm supposed to do, and I end up getting drunk. And I said, well, Don, what happens to you after the first drink? Oh, around the 4th or 5th drink, I I start losing control and figuring out where I'm supposed to be and I end up getting drunk. What happens to me after the first drink is the second drink, And that's all I need to know to define alcoholism in order to move forward.

The doctor's opinion is very clear. It gives us a broader picture of it. What happens to me after the first drink is the second drink. Alcoholism is not defined by my behavior. It is not defined by DUIs or jails or prisons or broken promises or broken dreams or broken windows or broken arms.

Alcoholism is defined by me not being able to control the amount I drink once I start and not being able to control an absolutely obsessive idea that somehow this time it's gonna be different, and I take another drink. Now I've done all the dramatic stuff and we'll talk a lot about that this weekend because I love high drama. And the fact is I almost hate to talk about penitentiaries, but that's where I've been. But I would remind everybody in this room, we have all been in our own prison. I just happen to make mine real.

That's all. I was in prison long before I got behind bars. I got free in a single cell penitentiary. I'll tell you about that later. It was kind of a fun night.

Alcohol changed me. It was a transforming experience. It wasn't some little change of attitude. It changed me. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, one of the foremost psychiatrists that ever lived describes a spiritual experience.

In essence, he's saying that ideas and conceptions that used to rule the minds of these men are suddenly cast to one side and an entire new set of conceptions begins to dominate them. It's a transforming experience, an entire new mind. Well, I can go back and remember my first drink. That's exactly what happened to me. I had what appeared to be a spiritual experience.

I went into the evening, 15, 16 years old, frightened and angry. You know, when you've been frightened for 15 years, you're pissed. I can tell you the very moment that I got that kind of rage. Can't give you the day and the date, but I can tell you the exact moment when I got really pissed. Somebody said no to me and made it stick.

And I was angry from that moment on. K? I was short, and I was stupid that night. I knew that we got into conversation, you'd be brilliant, and I'd belch. I was not tightly wrapped.

I was restless, irritable, discontented. And we got a bottle of whiskey and went out east of Denver to drink it and get drunk and have fun. And that order, that's what they said it'd do for us. And I had a couple of drinks of bonded bourbon. Oh, my goodness.

And I was taller, and my voice was deeper, and I was no longer afraid. And I wasn't even all that pissed, and I wasn't stupid anymore. It was clear what my purpose in life would be. Suddenly, I had, instead of reactions, I had plans. Hey.

That's a big deal when you've never really had one. There was a guy in my high school class that hadn't been treating me well at all, and I was gonna meet him back at Bon Sec's drive in and whip him. And I could have done it. This is the one that I used to. When I'd see him coming, I'd go down another hallway because because I didn't want him to see me.

He might hurt me or embarrass me more probably. And there was a little girl in my high school class who hadn't been treating me at all. I was gonna meet her, and we were going to have a visit. And I could have done it. I was a visiting fool that night.

When I think about this, if that's all that alcohol did, I would buy everyone in this room a drink. There's absolutely nothing wrong with something that will take a misfit like that and make it okay for them for me to be me and you to be you. That's a good deal. But it is in my nature down where I live. If one works, take 10.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Period. That's just my nature. So I did. I drank until I was almost dead that night.

It'd be cute alcohol poisoning. The end result of that evening is instead of me whipping the bully and carrying the girl off into the sunset and being a hero for everybody, is that the people who drive in saw my partners hauling me around by the elbows while I puked in the driveway. Now that's how I drank, to excess every time. But that few moments of it being okay for me to be me was worth any price I would have to pay for that. I sold out.

I believe today that what I sold out to is that I have always known that my answer would be spiritual in nature because that's who I am. I'm not a human being trying to have a spiritual experience. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. And since I've come to know that, it's been interesting. I've been really, really human because I'm not afraid of the human experience anymore.

Right? Bring it on. K? Some days, life is fun. Some days life ain't fun at all.

Many, many, many days, and the one I think is toughest for me as an alcoholic to deal with are the days when it's just flat. Don't do flat well. I was 3 years sober, and I hadn't had any real difficulties for 3 years. Struggles, yes, but no real difficulties. And I'm hanging around the club and at the meetings, everybody's talking about how tough it is and all the trouble they're having.

And I started feeling left out and went out and made up some difficulties. No. That's who I am. After a night like that, where all my dreams were just shattered, and I puked in the driveway and made a fool of myself. I understand that there are people who, having done that, quit.

I don't know, but I've heard that. Hardly anybody I know would quit after that. I found out, though, what caused that, so it wouldn't happen to me again. I didn't want that to happen, that being the consequence. And it was clear to me why I got sick and fell down and threw up.

Bonded bourbon. So I quit drinking Bonded Bourbon and quickly found other things I could drink that didn't do that to me. When we got to the part in the book about drinking for effect, I could identify with that. And one of the things I hope you'll do this weekend is bring your own memories to this. The greatest gift my early sponsors gave me was that they forced me to bring my memories to what the big book said.

I drank for effect, and early on the effects were very specific. If we were going to fight, I drank vodka Because when I drink vodka, I get mean. And if you're gonna fight, you might as well be mean. If we were gonna go out and there might be girls on the horizon, I drank dark Bacardi rum. Makes me sensitive.

A great lover. During the absolute dead times, and I think one of the greatest horrors of all for any human being and particularly alcoholics are times when I don't feel anything. I could drink Coors beer and listen to Jim Reeves and Furlan Husky. Four walls to hold me. Oh god.

And cry like a baby. And then the time came when vodka made me drunk and rum made me drunk, and the beer made me drunk. I used to like to drink tequila and then dance better. Got sober and found out the reason I didn't dance well is I don't like dancing. I just don't dance well.

But give me some tequila and it looks like I do. I'm I'm all over the place. I drank to feel taller and stronger and more certain of myself. I drank to stop pain. I drank to get involved in pain.

Sometimes pain's all you got. The main reason I drank as an alcoholic was no reason at all. That's how serious this disease is. I believe today and on 26th, I'll celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety, and I believe I'm in more danger today than I was then. And what I'm in danger of is the truth, not lies.

I had an experience on an airplane that brought that home to me. See, you all gonna have to work real hard on any given day to come up with enough lies to convince me it's hard for me to take a drink. I'm gonna have to stop doing a lot of things that I do over a period of weeks before I'll even listen to that crap, But I was flying home from somewhere down here. It was an evening flight. Now it may have even been that thing in Mississippi.

No. It wasn't because I was blind from the smoke that time. But I'm flying home, and United Airlines is very nice to me because I fly so much. If there's an empty first class seat and nobody's using it, they give it to me for $25 or something like that. So I'd upgraded.

Now I'm fine. I've been to an AA conference. I'm spiritually fit. I'm emotionally fit. I'm having a good time.

I'm on my way home, which is where I wanna be going. I'm in 1st class. I wouldn't pay for it, but it's better than coach. In evening flight, the lights are right. I'm reading a book that I've been waiting to read.

I don't have time to read much except on the airplanes. Everything's fine. And out of the corner of my eye, because they were serving dinner, I saw the flight attendant pour this dark burgundy stuff into my seatmate's glass. And I looked over because it really looked good. And that's what my mind said, that really looks good, and it did.

That's the truth. It was not wine in here. It was just this burgundy stuff that looked good. Then my mind said, I bet that'll taste good. Of course, it would.

That's why she's giving it to him. No thought of alcohol. That'll taste good. Then my mind said, I bet that'll make that whole dinner taste better. That's precisely why she's giving it to him.

It will. It cleans the palate. Everything will taste better after wine. I'm still not thinking and drinking, and suddenly a prayer began in me. I did not begin praying.

A prayer began in me. I've learned over the years to pay very close attention to that. You see, the disease of alcoholism is so severe that there will be times when all the information I have available, all the reasons that are available to me for not drinking will mean nothing because they won't show up. They won't be there. So I have to rely upon a power greater than myself to cover me during those times.

You'll cover me during the meeting. What happens on the way home? So the prayer began in me, and I pulled in because what I do when that happens is pull in and start listening, and I realized my very next thought would have been I probably ought to have one of those. There's still no thought of alcohol. That's a serious disease, and I've got it.

But I'm standing here telling you I didn't drink that night. Whatever that power is, it took care of me that night, and it's taken care of me many times. I wish I had more of those kind of stories for you. I'm sure that it's happened more than once, but the scary thing is I didn't know it because the information didn't show up. None of the things I do in Alcoholics Anonymous keep me sober.

You need to know that. None of the things I do keep me sober. I do the things I do in Alcoholics Anonymous because I am sober. There was a time when in order to be sober, I had to do all the things I do in Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a really weird thing.

We're here. Danny, you're you're falling in with a bunch of real loonies here. K. You wanna know how to how to stay sober? Don't drink.

What causes alcoholism? I don't know. Do you know? I don't have any idea. There's THIQs running around somewhere.

I haven't met any, but I understand I've got some. So what? I come from a functional home. I really do. If I am offending anybody, I apologize, but I do.

Doesn't mean we were problem free, but I come from a functional home. My family functioned. We lived in the same place. When dad died in March, they had just celebrated 66 years of continuous marriage. That's a long bloody time to live with another human being in peace.

Of course, it wasn't always at peace. My mother sometimes has an attitude. My little brother, I call him my little brother. He's 60 some years old now. My little brother is one of the foremost synthesizer musicians in the world, and I say that knowing what I'm talking about.

He just came back from Russia. They took him to Moscow this summer for a month to teach in Moscow so they can find out what the hell it is he does. And then he went to Sweden for 2 weeks after that. He was writing music with Stan Kenton when he was 19 years old. Does one symphony every year just for the hell of it.

He is a musician. Judy Collins called in one night when she was just getting started. Her guitar player had gotten sick, and she asked my brother if he'd accompany her that night at a show. And he said, sure. Went out and bought a cheap Stella guitar and a guitar book because he never touched a guitar in his life.

And that night, he accompanied Judy Collins on stage. He grew up right down the hall from me. Next room over here. Yeah. My little sister, bless her heart, retired a while back from IBM.

Big executive. Made good money and great babies. Babies have been making babies. Yes. Lord.

We're having trouble finding husbands. The young people today are a little bit nuts. But in my family, when one of those babies comes along, our attitude is good. There's another little pritch baby. Let's raise it.

And that's where I come from. And, apparently, the environment does not cause alcoholism because neither of them has it. My dad didn't have it. My mother didn't have it. The closest we can come in my family to another alcoholic is my uncle.

But after drinking himself into serious condition, his doctor said, Walter, if you don't stop, you're gonna die. So he quit for over 20 years. No heart for this business. You got they think we're weak. You gotta be tough to be an alcoholic.

It takes a certain kind of toughness to sleep in gutters and to wreck cars and then go get another one and wreck it too. You gotta be tough to face down the people that you promised, and they believed you that you're gonna do certain things, and then you crapped out on them because you were drunk. It's hard to go home to that. You gotta be tough. You gotta be tough to wake up wrapped around the throne and everything in you said, I'm never gonna do this again and get up from the throne and go have a drink because you have to.

You gotta be tough. Well, I'm tough. I'd I'd I'm ranging a bit because I'm trying to establish some things here. I keep realizing we have a whole weekend. Am I gonna have some fun?

Christmas week of 1967 was the week that I hope everybody has because it's what it took for me. It's the week when and the only reason I'm here is because I finally ran out of lies. Truth did not get me sober. I just ran out of lies, and all my toughness just went away. I got too damn tired.

I don't know what you listen for on a 12 step call, but I listen hard for 2 magic words. I'm tired. If I can hear that, I'll work with you. I don't care how convoluted the circumstance is. If you're tired, I've got an answer for you.

If you're not tired yet, I still got an answer for you, but you probably won't hear it. But I got tired. I was just plumb out of steam. I weighed a £133. I was on federal parole for a little mistake I made in 1966.

In addition to drinking all the time, I was now shooting speed at an unholy rate just to be able to get up in the morning. It wasn't fun anymore. I I needed something to get up in the morning. We're on welfare. I had these 2 little kids whose mother had abandoned ship years before.

I'd had them out on the road for four and a half years. We'll talk a bit about that this weekend because some of you had kids too. I was a single homeless parent before we even was fashionable, but I ran out of lies. Now coming from a functional home, I know what Christmas is supposed to look like. Looks like at my home this week, I've got a son-in-law living in my house who's just manic about Christmas trees.

God, it's gorgeous, but I just got out of the way and let him put it up. Where I grew up, we had a real tree came in from the outside. Big house, 8, 10 foot trees covered with lights and tinsel, and we'd sew popcorn. Did you ever sew popcorn? Wonderful.

Make long strings of popcorn, hang it on the tree, and there'd be presents underneath. And I do remember clearly one of the things that I love so much about my house, It made me feel I didn't belong there, but I loved it. Is for Christmas week, generally, people came by. My folks were really loved in our town, and people would just drop in and visit for a while. And the house would smell wonderful.

Cider with cinnamon sticks, hot chocolate with marshmallows on them. And I'm not talking about these sissy fingernail sized Big ones. Cover the whole top of them. You had to go suck them off of there just to get the chocolate. Christmas week in 1967, nobody visited our house.

Even my parole officer wouldn't come out. I had to go see him. We had no tree because we had no money. The welfare check hadn't gotten there yet. And for whatever the reason, I think it's probably just the grace of God, my mind began to clear so I could see these things.

One of my lies was just leave us alone. The boys and I are doing fine. Family's intact. We're alright. My family was not intact.

There was a crazy man and 2 frightened little boys living in this basement apartment. That was the truth. Good morning. Come on in. Always respect somebody that big.

So that lie began to become real to me. We spend a lot of time walking. I have sore feet, and I sometimes think it must be a karmic condition because we walk so much. And on 24th, we took a walk. I'd gotten enough speed in me and enough booze in me to get up and go out and try to find something for Christmas Day for these kids.

And on that walk, we found a dollar in the snow and took it to the Christmas tree place and found out that all them bastards out there weren't all that way. They gave us the biggest tree on the lot for a dollar that day, and it was a big one. It was pitiful. I keep the memory fresh. We had a 7 foot ceiling, and we brought home a 9 foot tree.

So it's it over. Right? We decorated it with garbage. So people like me have to do. Cut the bottom off one of those little pint milk bottles and it looks like a bell and crumple up some aluminum foil and stuff anyway.

And I had managed there's a place on East Colfax called the Denver Merchandise Mart Public Merchandise Mart, and this guy gave me a pair of cowboy boots and a little shirt on credit. $10.95 cents so each of my boys would have one present because I didn't have any money. The welfare check wasn't there yet. Fully intended to pay for them as soon as the welfare check came. You know?

My little boy, some neighborhood kid that I've been using as a runner had stolen a whole case of paper towels from a service station. My little boys wrapped up everything in the house that would fit in blue paper towel and put it under the tree for me. And some more of me broke. That's not right. It's not the way it's supposed to be.

Christmas day, we went down to my folks' place because it would never occur to me not to go home for Christmas. And we got there, and my dad met us at the door and he said, Don, I'm sorry, but I can't let you in here anymore. Your mother says she can't stand watching you die. And one of my lies blew up. The lie was simple.

I leave me alone. I'm not hurting anybody but me, and that was a lie. I could see who I'd been hurting. Everybody. My parents, my kids, everybody who ever believed in me.

And then dad tore up my last life because he snuck us into the house anyway. It's a great big house, and he snuck us into the basement. And I really believe that day that nobody loved us and nobody cared, and he made a lie out of that. I didn't have any lies left. When I got home, I had a lot of self pity.

I encourage self pity. Oh, I really do. There's nothing like a good case of self pity and a good sponsor to get you across the line into life. Poor baby. You don't feel good.

Oh, you guys do that down here? Yeah. Yeah. Saves lives. I love you dearly, but don't give me that crap.

At that point of realizing there were no more lies, I stepped from the self pity into the truth and the truth was, I had become completely useless. Let's talk about that for a minute. The only thing that I can promise you, Danny, is if you'll stay sober and work on this path, you will become useful. And I firmly believe that that's the difference between life and death, particularly for alcoholics. We must be useful.

And the promise of the big book is that I will become useful. In fact, my wretched past is so useful that I'm not to forget it, nor shut the door on it. I'm to share it freely so that you don't have to die. So that you don't have to think you're the only one on the planet that ever did something this stupid or thinks this weird. I remember sitting in a meeting at York Street one time with my ticket to the grave piece.

I had one left. And some jerk started talking about it out loud in a meeting just as if it wasn't important at all and set me free from that one. Okay? But I was useless. The the fact was there was no reason for me to be here.

Everybody would be better off if I wasn't here. My children would definitely be better off if I wasn't here. My people would be better off. I couldn't thank anybody that could benefit from my being here. That's a terribly wonderful, painful place.

You either surrender or you die. We're facing a thing in Alcoholics Anonymous today that's frightening. I'm watching our old timers, people of 30, 35, 40 years of sobriety, blow their brains out because they can't stand the pain anymore. And I'm convinced that the pain is that they feel they have stopped being useful, and that's my fault. There comes a time in sobriety when I don't do things unless I'm asked.

I wanna get rid of enough ego that I wait until I'm asked. I don't wanna impose it on anybody with the exception of live 12 step work. And if you don't ask me, pretty soon, I'm gonna dry up. And I think that's what's happening to them. They feel useless.

Now that's partly their fault too. I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying I truly believe that's what caused me. It caused me to die that night. I had nothing left to surrender to.

You have to surrender at that point. It's wonderful. We talk all about surrender. We don't know what the hell we're talking about most of the time. Surrender is something that happens when you can't stand the current conditions and you have no choice in that.

You just quit. That's all I did was quit. Nothing left to surrender to. I try have tried everything imaginable along the line to find out what's wrong with me and fix it. I was in my first federal penitentiary when I was 19 years old and came out with a clear understanding that I wanna do that again.

And whatever it is that caused that, I wanna fix that. So I joined Dynex. And Part of the treatment at that time was that they gave us amphetamines so we could become uninhibited and talk freely. Works fine. It's exactly what it did.

So when I think back about insanity, I don't have to have any fancy definitions. At 19 years of age, a complete failure in my life, having just come out of a federal prison and Marine Briggs and the bad conduct discharge and my dreams are dead and gone, I turned my life and will over the care of a science fiction writer. So much for my good thinking. I have been dunked and dipped and prayed over and prayed at and yelled at and cursed at. I meant to psychiatrist.

The last psychiatrist I went to was smoking marijuana 3 weeks later. I'm I'm also a good salesman, and he was ready and I hate to pass up anybody who's ready. On my own, I will not make the right decision. That's clear to me. Every decision I make based on me is based on me.