Any Length recovery community in Sumter, SC

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Yes. How cool is this?

My name is Chris Raymer. I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic. Yes. How cool is this? This is nice.

I I hate doing outside talk. This is nice. What is it about the South? You know, I'm from Texas. I'm as South as you can get, you know, but the deep South is where we are now.

I mean, it's it's different. It's different. Food's different. What was that? We ate tonight.

I've had several try to explain it to me, and I stopped them when it got to the parts part. I I don't know, but I don't care what it was. It was excellent, and I thank them for cooking it. And, what an honor to be here. I, what is it about southern women too?

You're in the wrong part of the world, brother. I, I wanna thank Chaz for for calling me and Jean for help. I anybody that helped get me here. I'm I'm honored to be here. I, I need to apologize about the way I'm dressed.

My, well, because I just I just believe if you speak from the podium, you should you should dress up a little bit. And, I have a wrinkled suit that's somewhere between here and San Antonio. And, I don't know. I'm lucky I got here with the airports being as weird as they are with all the stuff that's happened this last week. So I'm I'm delighted to be here.

And, I know how difficult it is. It used to be I talked about I was over in Florence not long ago and I and I mentioned this. I used to be you could get a plane ticket anywhere for a $100 and it, you know, it was just was no big deal. And it it takes money to bring somebody over here. And I I'm honored and truly humbled that y'all would have even considered doing this, for me.

I I, I'm blessed. I hate to speak. I just need to tell you. Most of y'all that know me know that. I love meeting y'all.

I just know that, I'm probably gonna end up saying something up here that that offends somebody and and I don't wanna do that. But no. I don't. I don't. I just know I will.

People get so dogmatic about this. You know, I talk about this all the time. You know, it's, well, my sponsor said this. You know, well, my treatment center said this. Well, my counselor said this.

Well, I don't give a rat's butt. You know, I I what does the book say? Yes. What does the big book say? And I I I've never got up from a podium and shared yet ever in 18 years of sobriety that I didn't carry a big book with me.

And if you hear anything I say that you can't reconcile, absolutely forget it. Just let it go into one ear and out the other. I I spent so many years in Alcoholics Anonymous. 7 years in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous relapse, and doing the same thing I've I've talked to some of y'all out here that are doing. And you've tried this before and failed, and tried it before and failed.

And and it's just, you know, after a while we lose we start losing hope, you know, and it's a tough deal. And I I finally came back in 1987. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about it. And I got, I got I landed in a nest of big book thumpers. And they they started explaining to me about what this was about.

And all of a sudden, I I started doing what they asked me to do and I got well. And that's that's why Dennis just read the the the 10 step promises, where it talks about we're gonna be placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. And some of the that's the that's the best promise in the book, folks. And that's why I introduced myself the way the big book asked me to introduce myself as a recovered e d alcoholic. Dope fiend.

Some of you don't like that. You think it's not humble? Couldn't give a rat's ass. I feel better already. No.

It's it's this it's that I know, and I'm gonna talk about it some tonight, but I mean I I know that the only game in town is our fellowships. Our Alcoholics Anonymous, our Sister Fellowships, NA and Cocaine anonymous, and Crystal Meth anonymous. I mean, this is where we're we're getting the answer. This is where we're getting the answer. And and and we don't need to take the message that we're given and water it down because somebody suggested something.

The message was intended to be full strength, not watered down. And and and in mainstream AA, and a lot of y'all have been around it for a long time, what we've got is a bunch of watered down crap disguised as recovery. And that's why so many people have a tough time getting sober. And I just want to mention this going in the door because I everybody that's in Alcoholics Anonymous or any of other sister fellowships, everybody that's in our rooms are not alcoholic and addict. I mean, there's a lot of people out there that have problems drinking.

They're gonna go to rational recovery or or do some therapy or eat some anti abuse and take some antidepressants, and they're gonna get well. The problem is that some of those same people are hanging around our fellowships wanting wanting to share their views on what this is all about. And if that stuff worked for us, because most of us have tried that. My my sentiment is whatever works. I mean, if if sitting naked in a teepee, sweating your ass off works for you, then do it.

Not knocking that. I'm saying it it didn't get me sober. I tried it. I picture me. See?

No. Never mind. I just I I don't know. I don't know. It's what the Bill Wilson in the in the in the textbook, on page 150 5, some of you got your books.

You can jot it down. But he's talking about doctor Bob in his first meeting with doctor Bob. And he says, he's talking of of doctor Bob. He says, this cat, he said he had a desperate desperate desire to stop drinking, but saw no way out for he had earnestly tried many avenues escape. Painfully aware of being somehow abnormal, the man did not fully realize what it meant to be alcoholic.

You with us? We live in a world where people don't understand what it is to be alcoholic. We I I work for a treatment center up in the Hill Country. Very nice hospital, very expensive. And and, that we've some of you all have been there.

And, now you're here, which says something. But a lot of people have problems understanding that just because you drink a lot, doesn't mean you're an alcoholic. Just because you do a lot of drugs, doesn't mean you're a drug addict. People stop every day. They wake up one day with this big hangover, nose all bloody, and they say, I'm not gonna do this anymore.

And they don't. They just on their own power, they just stop. But they told them in treatment to go to AA, so they're gonna go. But they don't need to be there, because they stopped on their own power. They see they didn't need this thing called God.

They didn't have to talk about the 12 steps. They didn't have to work the 12 steps. All they could do was just sit in the meetings and talk about any freaking thing they wanted, and everything's just gonna be okay. And I'm gonna tell you right now going in the door, because so some of y'all can go ahead and leave the room now. I think the problem in Alcoholics Anonymous today, and it is a problem worldwide.

I speak in many countries, folks. And I'm telling you the problem is the same here, is the same as in Europe, it's the same in in in Canada, it's the same everywhere. It's called open discussion meetings. Non literature based open discussion meetings where the topic is your day. And if you like those meetings, at the risk of offending you, you're probably not one of us.

If you can stay sober in that environment, you're probably not one of us. That's probably the roughest thing I've ever said from the podium. Buried another friend of mine 2 weeks ago. Meeting makers make it. Not.

Found him. He'd been dead 2 days, 3 days, and it they don't know. In his apartment. Alcohol pills. Lots of meetings.

Wouldn't come to our meetings because y'all talk about the big book too much. And I'm not sure about this God thing. K? So go talk about your your freaking weed eater one more time. See what happens.

That's that's the results that we get. If you're the real alcoholic, folks, if you're a real drug addict, you must have a spiritual experience. It's not an option. It's not maybe if you want, it's if you wanna recover from this disease, that's what you get to get. And it's guaranteed by working the 12 steps.

Most open and roomy program out there, folks. Anybody that wants to take shots at this fellowship can talk about anything they want, but those steps are so open and so roomy, it's not even funny. We even we even let you worship a God of your own understanding. You don't have to work to pray to my God. You don't have to be a Christian.

You don't have you don't have to do. You gotta pray to something. That's pretty simple. Isn't it folks? Maybe that's where my passion comes from.

Maybe that's why I get in so much trouble because I'm I I work in an industry where I get to watch 100 of people die needlessly of this disease. In my 18 years, when I finally got sober in 1987 since, I I cannot tell you how many how many funerals I've been to. About people that that that could've gotten this just as easy as I got it. When somebody finally told me the truth, I grabbed onto it with both hands because I knew intuitively that they were telling me the truth. You water this message down and and let somebody do it anyway they want.

That's that's why listen, folks. That's why I love places like this because we're gonna talk straight out of the book. If you want it, great. If you don't want it, go try some more. Go back to your drop.

We gotta understand what the disease is, folks. We gotta understand what the problem is. What difference does it make? I hear people come up after I let you all what difference does it what does it make? I think I got a problem, so I'm so no.

No. How can you fix a car if you don't know what's wrong with it? First thing you gotta do is find out what's wrong with it. See, when I found out that I did that I wasn't just a little problem drinker, an abuser, but that I was dying of a fatal progressive illness, I buddy, I got real open minded real quick. And so will you.

And so will the people that you can't sponsor. But you gotta qualify them first. Find out if they even need to be here or not. Ask them, are they ready? Just exactly what we read and how it works.

Are you ready to go to any? What a great name for a treatment center. Any links? What a unbelievable. Are you ready to go to any links?

Because if you're not, screw you. Go away. Y'all need to know if I was sitting at an anniversary meeting at little little group in town, I wouldn't be talking like this. But I'm in a gathering full of people that are cut from the same cloth I am. The chances of us having a little a little disco drum sitting in this group is pretty slim, you know, pretty slim.

I could just tell by looking at some of y'all. Y'all are the real McCoy. And I and I love it. And I I I absolutely love it. That's why I felt so out of place in AA when I first got here because I felt so different from everybody else in the room.

I'm dying of a of a fatal illness. I can't seem to stop drinking. But all you wanna talk about is your freaking divorce one more time. I don't understand that. We're gonna talk about it folks.

I'm getting there. And I'm watching the clock. I'm not gonna wear anybody out tonight. Here. Now I know.

Y'all all say that. Then you you get cranky with me when I talk too long. Here. This is any link. Bring out the breakfast tacos.

Alright. God dang it. Okay. The, I grew up in a hill country drinking. My father was an alcoholic.

I caught some flack 2 weeks ago where my guy says, you call yourself your your father an alcoholic and this is a self diagnosed disease and and he he's dead. The disease killed him. I don't think he gives a rat's ass if I call him an alcoholic or not. That's what he was. That's where my my brother and I, twin identical twin brother, we caught the genetic bullet.

Guys, alcoholism and drug addiction is genetic. If you if you're sitting in this gathering right here still blaming your mama or that bad thing that happened to you for why you're an alcoholic and addict, you need to come up with a different saw because it's because it's it's not working anymore. Alcoholism and drug addiction is absolutely genetic. You're born that way. You would have developed a problem with the alcohol and dope had the bad thing not happened to you.

You with me? I'm not pleased. You hear me, guys? All of you. I love every one of you.

If any of you in here that that stuff's not important, you're you're not you didn't hear me right. Did that stuff exacerbate it, make it worse? You damn right. That's why we need to address it. Thank God for good therapy.

Thank God for these 12 steps that help us get past that stuff, but that didn't cause it. I had a great family folks. I need to tell you, I had a wonderful family. Mom's still alive, painting up a storm, losing her eyesight and curveball and just she's a wonderful family. I was in the food business and, it was perfectly acceptable to drink and I drank more than anybody.

Should have known there was a problem. I intuitively knew there was a problem. And, by the time I was 20 years old, I was picking up the phone book to call out call it synonymous. I didn't call them but I picked up the phone book. You know, it was one of those deals.

I knew there was a prob just like a lot of y'all, I know there's a problem. Ended up moving to Houston in apprenticeship program and, I traveled around a lot. I was got pretty successful pretty quick. I I was I was, I've always been a little quick and, not quick minded necessarily, but a fast worker. Y'all know what I mean?

And, discovered some methamphetamine along the way, which enhanced we call it living better chemically, but, it was good. And it allowed me to drink more on top of that. So I spent, 15 years or so, folks. The month that, our co founder Bill Wilson passed away, I started drinking folks. And I was I was off to the races from the beginning.

The deal that separated me from so many people that I met, now call it synonymous, is that I had a bunch of what we would call successful years drinking and drugging. I wasn't going to jail. I wasn't robbing liquor stores. I wasn't doing all the goofy stuff that so many of you guys eventually end up doing. And, so if the attempt of saving a marriage in the early eighties, I went to my first AA meeting.

And, I was taking, already taking antidepressants early about the mid seventies, I started taking antidepressants because of a depressive disorder. Quote, y'all with us? Probably, some of the pills that y'all are still taking now. And, I, and I don't have a problem with that. I just I I was fortunate to be able to get off all that stuff.

But, how can I put this gently? I walked into my 1st alcoholics anonymous meeting and, full of questions and I didn't know what this was all about. And they they asked me if I had a problem with alcohol and I said, yes. And they said, welcome. And I sat down and then we talked about everything under the sun except alcoholism.

Everything. Relationships, jobs, traffic, weather. Oh, Jesus. This is the early eighties and inner child work had just begun and we had people talking about that. It was cool.

I'm committed to try to get sober, but, I can't stand the meetings. I hated alcoholics anonymous. I, I enjoyed the first few dozen I went to. It was interesting to listen to how screwed up you all were and, but I couldn't relate. If we weren't talking about some outside issue that we're not supposed to talk about, we were talking about your problems.

We were talking about your war stories, and I couldn't relate to your war stories. And I watch people do it every day today, Unless you're in my meeting and I'll shut you down in a heartbeat. War stories are cool, guys. Any of you old geezers in here that are getting tweaky because I'm talking about war stories, I I just need to set your mind at ease. I I one of the most powerful things I have is my story.

In a 12 step call, it is indispensable. How can I do a 12 step call if I don't have a story to talk to this guy about? How am I gonna get some identification going? But meetings folks were never intended. Meetings folks were never intended as a 12 step call.

They weren't in the olden days and they aren't today. They have become that. A 12 step call is when you get with somebody that doesn't know about this program and you talk to them a little bit about it, you share some of your story and he shares some of his story just like Bill Wilson and doctor Bob did on page 155 where we were just reading. And they get the little guy's interest. And then then y'all start talking about the solution and see if he wants to get well, qualify him, find out if he needs to be one of us and then take him to a meeting so he can hear other people share about the solution.

That's the way it was intended to be. What do we turn them into today? Non Guys, the number one complaint that I hear about alcoholics anonymous is that I'm sick and tired of listening to the war stories. And my question is, unless you happen to be in a 12 step call every day, why are you hearing war stories? If you'll read the archival material, it says quite clearly, read read the simplest archival material, doctor Bob and the good old timers.

It'll tell you point blank. We didn't talk about our war stories in meetings. We knew how to drink. What we didn't know is how to stay sober. Let's let's let's talk about the solution.

That's why we can't keep the young adults in our meetings. We drive them crazy with the goddamn war stories. Drive them nuts. Gonna listen to you about how you got 6 DWIs one more time. We're never gonna get around to talking about a 4 step.

We're never gonna get around talking about the spiritual experience because we're too busy talking about how you got here. Guys, the guy screwed up his courage and and and and got it all together and walked in the back door. Why is it that we wanna bore him spitless with another war story? Some of you look just look like you've been slapped. Well, I thought that was what we were supposed to be doing.

You thought wrong. Quit. Number one complaint I get at our hospital. We got a 1,000 patients through their year. The number one complaint, why don't you go to a a?

I hate a a. Why? They tell war stories until the cows come home and they're constantly pissing and moaning about their problems. Amen. Amen.

We just read the traditions. It tells us what our primary purpose was. It's carry the message. Carry the message. What's the message?

Twelve steps. That's our primary purpose. We can't seem to get to the primary purpose because we're too busy trying to fix your problems. Am I saying that the people in our fellowship can't help us with our problems? Heavens, no.

Of course, they can. Look at look at this room. Look at this gathering that we've got out here on this patio. How many there's 100 of us out here. How much experience could we share with that newcomer?

Why does why do we feel like we have to do it in a meeting? Book gets crystal clear. Book gets crystal clear. It's not giving that's the in question. It's when and how to give.

When we allow the newcomer to start depending on us instead of God, we're doing them a disservice. Isn't that right? Good lady comes in and she's having a relationship problem. So we spend an hour talking about relationships. How in the hell is she ever gonna get connected to God if we're gonna fix every problem she's got?

And why I'm asking the question while I'm on the subject, what makes you so damn smart that you know what she's supposed to do? Can you imagine walking into a room full of Alcoholics Anonymous and wanting to talk about relationships? God, dang it. Well, well, I've been married 6 times. Let me tell you what I think.

No. No. I don't think so. I don't think so. Why is it that we think that we've gotta be junior therapists in our fellowship?

That's why so many people don't wanna sponsor people because they're afraid they're gonna hurt somebody. You know what my job as a sponsor is? I'm sponsoring Paul say, you know what my job with him is? To qualify him, to teach him about our fellowship, and to work him through the 12 steps as rapidly as I can get his little round butt through. And then God, who he gets to get connected to do the process, gets to teach him what to do.

Makes sense? Let me I wanna get back to my story real quick, but I but I wanna I wanna mention something that happened to me this week. This has happened 100 of times in my sobriety, but it happened I was in New York, last weekend at a at a conference up there and, was talking. I was coming back on a plane and this little guy just that I met out west at a talk, he called me and tried to get me to talk out there and I couldn't and he called again. I said, God damn it.

I told you I I'm booked up. I can't. And he called back and I said, damn it. He wore me down. I went and talked.

Anyway, and I doubled up and it was just a a rough week, but I I love this guy. He didn't but I hadn't talked to him since I left. Just busy and just hadn't. And I'm coming back from New York on the plane and his his little, you know, face crossed my mind, you know, and it's like, I wonder how he's doing. And and 2 nights later, I think of him again.

And of course, I know today what that's about because my spirit is awaken today. I'm open to what's out there in the universe. You with me? Some of you are nodding your head. Some of you think, this guy's fucking crazy.

But the book says we will intuitively know how to handle certain situations. The certain situation is, do I put this off and what Anyway, the next day, I I take time and go back through my date planner and I find his number and I call him on the telephone. It's about lunch. Then I call him on the phone and I get his I recognize his voice and I said, buddy, how you doing? And he starts to cry.

He said, why are you calling me? And I said, you just been on my mind. And he cries harder. He's in a little bind. He's drink he's not drinking.

He's sober. He's, let's say this. He's dry. Okay? He's he's the spiritual malady has come back.

He's had an argument, a fight with a guy in the group, a little chicken shit resentment, and it's blocked him, and he's he's not going to meetings now. You know, one of those, I'll show you things. But he's dying because he's the real McCoy. See? And he's in trouble.

And out of the clear blue sky, I call him and encourage him to get back, and we're before the conversation's over, we're both crying and having a good laugh about how cool this was. But I mean, why didn't I call him 2 weeks ago? Because it wasn't time to call him 2 weeks ago. It was time to call him right then and there. You'll follow?

That's how God works. That's that's the stuff that's available for everyone. All you guys in here, you know, it's like, do I take the job or do I not take the job? Do I stay or do I move? Do I do I buy the car or do I not buy the car?

Who knows? Who knows what's right for you? When are we gonna start putting this fellowship back where it belongs, guys? Right in the lap of God. The higher power that you pray to every day.

Why do you think we're doing that? Do you think we're doing that just so we can stay sober one stupid day at a time? The whole purpose of this is so that we can get conscious contact with that power. That's where so many people in our fellowships are missing the vote. If if all of this was about just not staying sober one stupid day at a time, guys, we're missing the we're missing the point.

This is this is about a cooler, much more productive life. And that's where people need to be. And if you're not there, it's nobody's fault but yours. Unless, of course, you're going to open discussion meetings where they don't have time to talk about it. I'm gonna tell you, and then it's not your fault.

How can you blame somebody if they've never heard the solution? I'm around Alcoholics Anonymous for 7 years, and I don't even have a big book. I'm an AA for 7 years and don't even have a sponsor, but I'm a meaty making fool. Old geezers come up, buddy, don't worry about doing any of this service work right now. You just chill out, sit on your butt there and just meeting makers make it.

Don't you know? And and you just just keep going, 90 meetings in 90 days and everything's gonna be okay. God, how I would have loved to have made 90 days. I just couldn't because I'm the cat that could not not drink, guys. I do great, guys.

I've got this thing called a physical allergy. Simple, clear. I put the crap in my body, something happens different in me because the way I'm wired and I sometimes over drink. I can't control how much I drink. I don't do it every time, but at certain times, I drink too damn much.

You with us? And I know that's the problem. But my head says this time is gonna be different. Right? So you couple this physical piece with this mental piece, this this mental obsession, and that's what kills alcoholic sinatics.

I got a mind that tells me I don't have a problem. It tells me I got a problem today because my ass is on fire, and the judge is looking over his bench at me, you know, and the wife has got me on the couch. Oh, I got a problem. But 2 weeks later, I don't remember all of that. The book says, I will not remember the consequences of even a week or a month ago.

That's another reason that I don't like to do war stories and meetings. What the hell are we trying to do? The book said on page 24, you're not gonna remember the consequences of even a week or a month ago. You're not even gonna remember your own stupid war stories. What makes you think you're gonna remember mine?

I was in a meeting 2 weeks ago and a guy looked over and says, you don't want to end up like me, do you? Guys guys, folks, please, any of you old timers in here, any of you guys, if you ever lean across the table and say something like that to somebody, try to catch yourself and stop yourself from just saying something so so goofy. Second they're ever gonna be a loser like you? God. One of the next time you go to that meeting, introduce yourself as a recovered alcoholic and a cat who's not obsessing about alcohol and tell them you got the coolest life imaginable and you'll be glad to show them how to have the same life.

I guarantee you. I guarantee you. That'll get the little bastards attention. I, in and out for 7 years and couldn't stand it, left. So swore I would never go back.

I was so frustrated, because I'm watching a lot of you guys stay sober in those meetings, and I don't know what you're doing to do it, but I am convinced. I was talking to one of the little guys earlier and they were talking about, you know, I felt like I was weak, and that was me. I felt like I was a freaking loser. I promised every person I knew that I was gonna get sober and let them down. My family, girlfriends, wife, eventually.

And, I'm crazy. I'm still crazy. But I'm I was nuts then guys. My my head wouldn't shut up. There was no serenity.

I couldn't lay down without 1,000 voices telling me what a worthless piece of shit I was. And, I, only time I could get any relief is if I got just drunk enough or took the right amount of drugs, and I then I could get some, I'm drinking for ease and comfort folks. And and I'm saying it again, not once in 7 years did somebody tell me that I could get that same ease and comfort by working the 12 steps. They said I could get that same sense of ease and comfort by going to 90 meetings in 90 days. And that's a fucking lie.

That's a lie. Meetings. Guys, go into meetings and not drinking. Don't treat alcoholism. If you all don't hear anything else I say tonight, y'all need to get this.

Go into meetings and just not drinking will not treat alcoholism. It will give you some dry time, but it will not treat the disease of, and you will gradually become so uncomfortable in your skin. The internal condition will come back, and the depression, and the boredom, and the low self esteem, and the feeling of uselessness. Y'all with us? That no sense of direction that the book talks about on page 52, it will come back.

And your head will say, I cannot stand this pain any longer. And the other little part of your little brain will say, you can probably smoke a joint. No. This is what it's telling them today. Yeah.

I need some Lanista. Yeah. That's the ticket. If you're taking Lanesta, you need to pick up a new desire chip. That's not my opinion.

Stop today. If you can't sleep, there's a reason and it's spiritual in nature. Do the work and you will sleep like a baby. Yeah. That's my experience.

Here's the deal. I got in my truck after work one day, November 12th and stopped and got a 12 pack of beer, went to my house and picked up a stack of return checks. I was living in a little apartment by myself with a couple of stinky ferrets and, God, they stunk. I love those ferrets. I did.

And open the return checks and, was so disgusted with myself. I'm 35 years old and I bankrupted another checking account just like some of y'all have probably done. And, I I I'm just done. I have tried so hard. There is nobody that I know that works harder than me.

I've got great work ethics. I've never missed a day's work because of my drinking and drugging, ever. I've shown up absolutely blistered before. Don't get me wrong, you found, but I showed up as I got great work ethics. But I but I'm so frustrated because I can't ever amount amount to anything.

I can't put anything together. There's no woman in my life. I've got no friends. Even you guys know when you your buddies won't even hang out with you. It's it's screwed up.

You know? It's always their fault. Because you know why they don't? Because you're I'm blaming them for everything. Anything that's going wrong in my life, I'm blaming you.

And and that's that's what I learned in 10 years of therapy. Blame somebody else. I'm not knocking therapy. It's good stuff. But I'm saying that's that's I spent 10 years in therapy just talking about everything under the sun and and then being so depressed when I couldn't stay sober.

What's the point of doing this? Well, you'll stop drinking. So we'll talk about the crap one more time, but I never stopped drinking. Because talking about stuff won't get me sober. Program is about action.

Action. What is my skinny little butt doing? I don't know why that's so complicated. Saw an Internet article we were just talking about it. Saw an Internet somebody sent me about about our mail g.

Y'all know who I'm talking about? Wink, wink. Yeah. And he's back in another treatment center, and the guy that's had this treatment center he didn't go to is pissed because he needs to come to ours because we understand that alcoholism is not a disease, then it's all about stuff in our life. And if you'll finally talk about the stuff in your life, everything will be okay.

And I'm sitting there thinking, God, guys, 10 years and and hard rigid therapy, I've talked about everything I can talk about. And still can't stop drinking. Because my book says, no human power can relieve me from alcoholism. No therapist can fix me. No treatment center can fix me.

No woman can fix me. Not for long anyway. Come on, guys. A big plate of spaghetti will fix me for a short period of time, but it didn't last very damn long. I, I got up went to the medicine cabinet and got a bottle of pills in in, in my little apartment.

It's a little efficiency, little one room apartment. Nice. And, tried to commit suicide. I just I I just it's the coward's way out. But but I think I think y'all know where I'm coming from.

You know, it's not I didn't there was nothing in me that wanted to die. You know, I just I just could not go through another day feeling the way I was feeling. I I I'm tired of being a loser. I'm 35 and my life has passed me by. And my I've lost my youth, to alcohol and drugs and I'm just I am hopeless.

I've tried AA. I've tried therapy. I'm taking 7 pills a day, guys. I've tried the medication and it's not working. The only time I feel okay is when I drink.

And now you want me to stop that and I wanna stop that. But the further away I get from that drink, the worse I feel. So I go back. That's alcoholism. Plain and simple.

I heard a voice that night about the time those pills hit my stomach. Voice that said, don't do this. Go back to AA. Said, Chris, don't do this. Go back to AA.

Don't know what the I believe it was God's intervention. I heard the voice a couple of 3 times at night. They freaked me out and, because it wasn't a thought. Chris, don't do this. Go back.

It was, Chris don't do this go back to AA. And I it scared me. I made myself sick, threw the pills up, laid down on the bed, passed out, woke up the next morning and heard the voice one more time. It's the last I've I've ever heard that voice. I went and got a doctor that morning and went to work.

And at 6 o'clock I walked in the back door of an AA meeting that I had heard about. It was close and I was running late and felt like crap and so I went to this meeting. It was a literature based meeting. I've never been to 1, but I I've been warned that only people that hung out there were big book thumpers. And I wasn't really sure what a big book thumper was, but I knew I didn't wanna be 1.

You know, so it was not the kind of place you were gonna pick up a date at. I can promise you that. And, I, as bad as I wanted to get well though, I did not sure I wanted to do that. But I walked in the back door and sure enough everybody in there had a big book and they're all smoking just like you guys and, it was great. I loved it.

You know, what is it about these AA meetings where they still let you smoke and they say, try to hold your smoking down. And and everybody lights up a 3rd cigarette and puts it in their mouth. It's like, what's that what's that about? Just to show you you can? I don't know.

And I walked in and sat down, and little girl got between me and the door wouldn't let me out because I'm there laughing and I'm feeling really insecure and and self conscious and I I I spend most of my days walking around with this patch that won't fit properly. And so I always look like I'm wearing an earmuff most of the time. And I just I don't feel good. You know what? I wanna leave and she won't let me leave.

She just says, nope. Sit down. That's what I'm saying, guys. I've said it from a 1,000 podiums. Thank God that little 19 year old girl wasn't off in a young adult meeting some place.

She was in mainstream AA doing what she was supposed to do. And guys, I mean, I was a scary some I'm I'm scary now. You them big full beard and hair down to my back and, you know, just hadn't bathed in days and this little girl just hugged just like I was a long lost brother. Come on in. Get got me a cup of coffee.

And They went around the room. The chairperson had seen me up in North Texas for years and went around the room and they said, Chris, buddy, we he told the people in the room, says, we we got a newcomer. He's not a newcomer. He's been around forever, but he can't seem to stay sober. And everybody laughed, and I didn't like that a bit.

And, because I'm feeling a bit sensitive. Don't you know? And, they said, why don't we do something, just for grands? Why don't we share some hope with this cat? Why don't you why don't you share some experiences that you've had in sobriety?

Share how your life has changed as a result of working the steps. You with us? What a great topic for a meeting. Those cats went around the room and they talked about stuff that I could understand, and it was the stuff that I needed. Guys, I I I didn't need to be scared and I didn't need to hear about your divorce one more time.

I needed some hope. Is it possible to wake up in the next few mornings without obsessing about alcohol? Is it possible to go to a social event without wanting to drink? Could could you possibly ever ask a girl out on a date unless you were drunk? But that's the stuff that the newcomers wondering.

Will the shakes ever go away? Will Herman ever start working again? Yeah. If there's any newcomers in here, let me tell you. Yeah.

Yes. It it it may be little, but it works great. Alright. So here's what happened. So here's what happened.

The guy after the meeting got up next to me and says, Chris, old buddy, we need to do something a little different with you here. We need to really kinda cut to the chase here. And they said, and they talked to me about what alcoholism was. Just exactly what Bill Wilson and doctor Bob did. And they qualified me.

Yep. That's me. Are you willing to go to any length to get what we have? And I said, well, one day at a time. He said, that's not what I asked you.

Guys, this this piece right here offends more than anything else I say because it's so mainstream AA. The big book talks about staying sober for keeps. It says we live life one day at a time. Says we have a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. It does not say we get up every morning and decide if we wanna stay sober or not.

Because let me tell you, there's gonna be some mornings you're not even gonna wanna live in early sobriety. Go down with this. This is for keeps, folks. I know I need God. I don't know if I'll be sober in the morning, but I can guarantee you if I keep doing what I've been doing, the the obsession to use will stay away and I got as good a chance as anybody to live the rest of my life without drinking and drugging.

And that's the hope we need to be We gotta stop representing this program like we're a bunch of sick people trying to get well. Recovery. I heard somebody in treatment the other day say, recovery is not an event. The hell it's not. The first time you wake up in the morning and realize that you don't wanna do any cocaine, that you don't wanna drink any alcohol, that you're perfectly comfortable in your skin, it will be an event.

Guys, those early days, they had me doing everything. They had me working, they had me cleaning coffee cups, they had me on the clean up committee, they had me answer the stupid telephones, they wouldn't let me out of their sight. Y'all with me? The next morning they had me back in the room and we did a 3rd step prayer and they threw me a notebook on the table and said, let's start working on a 4th step. Boom boom boom.