The 15th Chisholm Trail Convention in Round Rock, TX

Hi. I'm Alicia. I'm an alcoholic. And Renee just brought up my worst fears. People talking about me and not liking me.

So thank you as a way to start this off. Okay, God. Here we go. I do wanna thank everybody that's, on this committee and that, made this still possible. You guys are just, definitely servant spirit and hard workers.

And, you know, even up until, you know, last night in the raffle, people weebling and wobbling to get the raffle done, you know, or the sobriety countdown. And, you guys have just made made this still possible, and I thank you for having me. So many great speakers this weekend. All of them. I got I got so much out of what they talked about.

And, it's so interesting how this disease works that every one of the stories were different in their own way, but they were all the same. You know, they all dealt with, the void and that piece that was inside. And, each person had a different story as to what they did to, to fill it and to change the way they felt and the consequences that came. But we all have that in common. And, you know, the book talks about that this disease is no respecter of persons.

It doesn't matter where you've been, where you're from, what kind of home, upbringing, whatever. It doesn't matter. If there's voids there and and you you have this disease, then, then we all know what what we're talking about. You know? And and the flip side of that is that the solution's the same.

That's the biggest part. You know? We all know what we can do to make that stop and that there is hope no matter where you've been or what you've done. And, I know for me, when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous, that was just it was an eye opening experience for me, because I thought that the way I've been living was just the way I was gonna live. I did not think there was a way out.

I didn't think that there was any hope that one day, I would not only not drink alcohol, but I wouldn't even think about wanting to drink alcohol. That's the one that freaked me out. They promised that that my mind, the obsession, would be gone as well. And, that is something I'd battled, you know, from 14 to 26. I either had alcohol and other things in my body daily, or I thought about getting them, you know?

And and so to have peace of mind, and to be recovered that the book talks about, I didn't think it'd be possible. But, thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank God that I walked into a room of people carrying big books and talking about solution. You know, had I walked into some other meetings, I might have walked out and gone, I I don't want what they have, you know, but God knew where to send me. And because of that, I'm free today.

I'm really gonna work on an exciting way to start my story because it's it's just so stupid. I'm from San Antonio. It's so dumb. Anyway, we come from a a great family. You know, over and over this book talks about in in different ways that there's nothing on the outside that that causes this kind of stuff to happen.

And and, that was my experience. There was no abuse in the home. There was no, you know, extreme poverty. We weren't living under a bridge and struggling, and, you know, it was it was none of that. It was a wonderful home, 4 brothers and sisters.

My father, at the time was an assistant pastor and and very busy in the church. My mother, loving woman, great mother of all of us, took care of each of us as we were the only child. You know, she, just a great woman. So there was no reason that at 14, I should begin to start feeling that stuff that you heard about all weekend. The not okay in my skin, the anxious, the the depression, the the different things that, that the spirituality kind of goes with.

And, and I went to private school for 10 years. God, everything was great, you know. But at 14, was ready for something different. You know, I did not like the way I felt, and that's when I found alcohol. And, I don't know if it was, you know, Mad Dog or Boone's Farm, or what kind of lovely beverage it was.

Don't remember exactly. But, my first drink, I remembered exactly I mean, everyone shared it this weekend. All of a sudden, I got right. You know, the anxiety was gone. I was much prettier.

I was much funnier. I could talk to the guys I was scared of. I could, you know, talk to the girls that I've been intimidated by, you know, and it was just all of a sudden I was okay. And I remember having the conscious thought, I'm going to be doing this for a long time, you know, because for the first time, I felt okay about me. And, so I followed that dream of doing this for a long time.

And, at 17, had transferred to public school and immediately gravitated to the party crowd, because they were much cooler. So the end of my junior year, the head of that party crowd that I'd been dating, he broke up with me. And, I was devastated because this was high school love. I mean, this is we were gonna be married and all kinds of stuff in my head, you know. And I'd written his name all over all my spirals, and it was like love for the first time.

But he ruined all that. He broke up with me. And, so I'm just, just I'm out of the crowd now, you know, and so it's just it wasn't a good feeling. And and I set out that night to get lit. You know, the book talks about blotting out the consciousness of your intolerable situation, and that's what I set out that night to do.

And I succeeded. I was very good at that. And that night, I remember walking out the door. I remember looking at myself in the mirror. I remember what I had on, walked out the door.

Next thing I remember is I wake up in a hospital with jaws wired shut, trach in my neck, arms tied down, staples in my stomach, feeding tube over to the right, and both legs in a cast. And I had no clue what happened. And, what I'm told happened is that, I succeeded at getting lit, and, my friends couldn't handle me anymore. I was in a blackout and was just acting pretty crazy, and they brought me home. And, my mother was there, and we get in an argument.

And I told her I just I just was leaving and I just wanted to die. And I left, and I hit a telephone pole about a mile down the road going about 45 miles an hour. I I actually had someone the other day going, that wasn't that fast. I was like, sorry. Like, you missed the whole tragic part of the story there.

Thanks, hon. Anyway, but, you know, when I when I came to and and, you know, I had bit the steering wheel, I didn't have my seat belt on, and so I kind of bit the steering wheel like that, it broke the palate of my mouth, shattered my nose bone from the inside, ripped my cheek and bit off my bottom lip, knocked out 4 teeth. So this is where the majority of the damage took place. And, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and and absolutely not wanting to live anymore because I was so ugly inside, so dark inside that I had used outsides to kinda get through life. And now I was pissed at God.

I felt that God had taken that from me. I I remember even asking God, how could you let this happen? Why didn't you move the pole? You know, it's like, you know, the huge victim, and I just wanted to die. And, at this point, my story would normally be where I I used to have false teeth on a retainer.

I had 4 little teeth that would go in and out on a flipper, and I used to pop my teeth out when I spoke. Unfortunately, God fixed my teeth this last year, so I can't do it. But they're in my car. If anyone just kidding. It's not true.

That's always a good way to get people. What the hell did she just do? Anyway, so 3 months in the hospital, learning to walk again. I mean, all all reconstructive surgery, all kinds of stuff, and I leave the hospital. Well, the book talks about given sufficient reason, can you choose to quit?

You know, can you choose to stop? Well, Well, here I've almost died in a drunk driving car accident. I get out of the hospital, and you would think that I would think that I would say, alcohol bad, you know. You would think that I would wanna stay away from it, but that's not at all what I did. In fact, my friends threw me a party for getting out of the hospital from a drunk driving car accident.

And, I'm not only drinking at this party, I'm doing party tricks. I'm squirting beer with a tear through me saying, You know, like this kind of deal here. I'm I'm putting magnets on my face to connect to the metal clamp. What is this accent, metal? This is metal clamp that's been inserted in my TMJ, you know, and I'm like, check this out.

And they're all, dude, you know, it's like, insanity, you know, absolutely insane. This is 17 years old. So I can look back and see if the at 17, I had the 3 pieces of this disease. Can you control the amount you take once you start? Absolutely not.

How do you feel without alcohol? Miserable, irritable, hate myself, depressed? Given sufficient reason, can you choose to quit? No. I just almost died and I'm drinking again.

My family was just in awe that I picked right back up, You know? Here, they just watched me die almost, and, and yet I'm drinking again. And, that was the beginning of the this insanity. You would think that would have happened at the end of my disease, but that's why I started off with a bang, you know. And, I ended up graduating high school, thank God, and, went to Southwest Texas, which is now Texas State, you know, and a lot of reasons that I went there, but, one of them is because I took the SAT, on acid.

And, sorry. That's an outside issue. But the little dots were moving everywhere, and it was really difficult to get the right dot. And, so so I didn't score real high. So so I went there.

And also that I've I've found my people. I mean, my God, this was the party school, you know. And and, this is where I begin to realize though that I don't drink like other people do. It hadn't it hadn't hit me yet. But I I was, in this little sorority deal up there, and, living with about 60 or 70 girls, and and, these girls are downstairs eating dinner before we went out.

Why would you eat dinner before you go out drinking? I mean, that just it so confused me. I mean, I'm upstairs chugging beers and taking shots, you know, just to get right, to fit in, to walk out the door. And, I didn't think that was abnormal. But I'm starting to notice something's not right.

As my disease progressed, they would have people to watch me each night going, okay, who's watching Alicia? Are you gonna be okay tonight? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just gonna drink beer. I won't drink hard liquor. It's gonna be cool. Yeah. No.

I got it. Don't worry. I ate. I'm fine. I would have all these plans of how I was gonna do better each night.

And, night after night, that would fail, you know. After 2 years of this, I I dropped out of college because apparently, they want you to go to class and stuff, and that was just way too way too difficult for me. So, actually, I I graduated, graduated. I just lied. I dropped out.

And the last semester, I'm taking, you know, psychological statistics. I'm taking 17 hours, I mean, I'm doing well, and I I had a 3, 6, 7 GPA at the end, you know. So again, the book tells us we're intelligent in a lot of areas, you know. Some of us are so talented and creative, but when it comes to alcohol, we're strangely insane. And that was my experience.

So I dropped out of college, and I meet my I moved back to San Antonio and meet my first first ex husband. I think I've decided I need to quit getting married because now I'm having to label first, second, there's only 2. But anyway, I meet my first ex husband, and and he had just gotten out of prison, 5 years straight, for alcohol and drugs. I knew he beat women because I'd been raised around him, and I knew his history and his background. He was my my best friend's brother when I was growing up.

He had no job, no car, no money. Yeah. And he was all mine, you know. And I joke that there's a lot of women in Alcoholics Anonymous who would have fought me for him. It's like, no, he's mine.

And the book talks about made a decision based on self that placed me a position to be hurt. And holy cow, did I ever do this. Here's some of my decisions. I didn't wanna be alone, so I hooked up. He was, he was, involved with alcohol and drugs in this big, pretty dark scene, and that was pretty cool.

So I wanted to be involved with that to look cool. What's the other one? Oh, the big one. I was gonna change him. I was gonna change him.

And my wayward souls program was gonna turn him around, and people would just praise me for what I had done with this demon possessed man, you know. And and, so I had all these decisions that I made based on self that got me into this relationship. I picked him. At the end of the 6 years with him, I had married him during that time. Some other we got involved in some pretty heavy, dark stuff.

And at the end of the 6 years with him, I have a knife to my wrist because I cannot quit drinking. I can't quit doing the drugs, and I can't get away from the monster I'm married to. And I had no hope. I had no idea how I was gonna get out of this. You know, death seemed to be the only way, and I've got a little scar to, you know, remind me of that night.

And, instead of doing that, I I rushed off to my parents' house. And and during that 6 years, you know, I'd I, I'd had good jobs and lost good jobs. And and at the end of that time, I had lost everything. We had given everything away in our disease. We even gave the couches away to support our habit at the end of that, to make sure that the supply of alcohol and stuff would continue coming.

So I'd lost everything. And I've been lying to my parents this whole time. I'm a master manipulator. I can run the game and and tell whatever story I need to get whatever I want. And I'd done that for so long that I'd really burned the bridges with my family, and they did not know what to trust anymore.

And, so after this attempt here or this night of of desperation, I rushed to my mom's, and I I tell her what's going on, and they take me to treatment. They took me in the middle of the night, out to a place in Center Point, Texas. And, I get there and I've got no clothes. They didn't pack me. I mean, I had no makeup, no clothing, no nothing.

And, so my mother gave me some clothes that were in the Salvation Army bag in the trunk of her car. It's some nice stuff. And I get there, and I'm you know, just a quick visual for you. I'm I'm probably £40 thinner than I am right now. I my hair is falling out.

I have sunken in, you know, face, circles under my eyes, bruises. I've got my lovely skanky going out clothes on from the night before, you know, and and, I think I look just great, you know. And and I get there, and and they put me in this room with this rather large well, she was detoxing. It was this rather I don't know if it was me hallucinating or if this is I'll never know if this what she really looked like. But she had this big head with this big perm and it looked this big to me.

And I'm in detox with her and all she could do is hold up her sheet like this and go. And I'm like, what the hell? You know, you know, 3 hours ago, I was dancing. I was at the club. I was cool and now where am I?

You know, and I'm just freaking out. And, I'm 25 at this time, and she gives me my roommate, bless her heart, she gave me one of her nightgowns to wear cause I didn't have any clothes. And so remember, I'm, you know, emaciated here, and and her nightgown was a little bit larger. And I would hold my arms out, and it would just hit the ground. It was huge.

And it was Christmas flannel plaid with eyelet lace here and here. It was turtleneck. It was very nice. And so I put on this gown, and I get on these slippers that my mom had in her trunk. They were skunk slippers.

And the skunk ears the skunk ears came up to about my knees. And so I'm on my detox meds, I'm in my gown, I put on my slippers, and I am in such self delusion that I'm walking down the halls thinking I like hot, you know. And I'm looking for I'm looking for a date for God's sake, you know. And I'm walking down the hall going, love me. You know, trying to find a guy, trying to find anything.

Because I'm a master at finding things to fill void, and and men is definitely one of the ones that that I'll shove in there, you know. And, so unfortunately, I did find someone to love me, and I I took away a 19 year old hostage. That's what I call people I get in relationships with, hostages. I don't I haven't done them very well. Wait.

That's the old me. Today, I'm much different. But anyway, this 19 year old kid, we end up hanging out during treatment. And I spent my whole 30 days wondering where he was, what he was doing, what was going on, you know. I I did not even crack this book.

The doctor there at that hospital, he would read some stories in the back of the book. We'd read a little bit. He'd fall asleep while he was reading, you know. I mean, it wasn't a I I did not learn a whole lot about this disease, but I wasn't ready either. You know, if I'm honest, I got I went to treatment to get away from my first husband.

You know, I wasn't ready to get sober just yet. And so I get out of treatment, and, I moved to Kerrville because I think San Antonio is the problem, you know, of course, the big city. So if I moved to Kerrville, it'll get better. Also, my hostage moved to Kerrville, so I thought it was a wonderful place for me to reestablish. And so so I moved to Kerrville, and when I get there, I've got a trash bag full of clothes to my name, literally.

I mean, it was a lawn and leaf bag, but it was a trash bag, that's it. I had lost everything else. And, moving to this house with these ladies, they rented a room to me. And, when I was in treatment, I was the model patient, you know, was voted most likely to stay sober, you know, played the game so well. I played it so well that they hired me there a month out of treatment.

They, oops. They needed someone to do the doctor's medical billing, and that's what I had done in San Antonio. And and so they thought I was gonna be sober, so they hired me. So now, here I am in a new town, trash bag full of clothes, working at a treatment center. Now, I'm not working any steps, I don't have a sponsor, I'm not going to meetings.

Not true. I'm going to the men's halfway house meetings. They were very spiritual meetings. They were very good. And they only had men.

But those are the I'm I'm not doing anything to treat this void in here, you know. I'm just I'm dry, and I understand what that terms means because I'm I'm not connected to God, and I'm not drinking and dragging, crawling out of my skin. And this is the first time I really got to see that alcohol and drugs was not the problem because I don't have any, and I'm miserable, absolutely miserable. And I remember looking in the mirror, I think I had about 60 days dry at this time, looking in the mirror going, okay, girl, We can drink. Just don't do drugs.

That was the problem. Come on. You can do it. And guys, I've got scars on my face from what alcohol did at 17, and that didn't even cross my mind. You know, the book says, cunning, baffling, powerful?

Absolutely. The insanity of this obsession. The the the insidious insanity of that first drink, you know. I love how the book talks about what goes on. Because everyone thinks, well, once I put it in my body, I am screwed.

It's like, no. No. No. Let's let's talk about before you put it in your body. The insanity that's going on up here, that is where the problem is.

And so the insanity that happened with me, I understand now that I had no choice at that time. I had no connection, no God, no nothing. I didn't have the power to choose what I was going to do or not. But I drank that night and did drugs. Go figure.

And, I I thought that I was gonna be able to hide this, you know. Here I am remember, I'm working at a treatment center now, drinking and doing drugs. I was I was also the secretary for the psychiatrist there, so I would have to go get the patients out of their groups to come meet with the doctor, and I've been up most of the night. I've been probably reeking of alcohol, you know, not really taking care of myself very well, but putting on the makeup and walking in, and, you know, thinking I'm doing okay. And, I remember the patients asking me, you know, I know you just got a treatment here.

How do you do it? How do you stay sober? And I'm just, it's easy. It's great. It's just I love it, you know.

And I'm just shaking because I'm ready for another drink, you know, and I am just miserable. The craziness is I kept this double life up for a year. I mean, I don't I don't know. Kerrville is not the play. I mean, it's a it's a recovery or retirement community.

There's only 2 things to do there, either recover or retire. And it's not the place to relapse and party because everyone's in recovery. And so I would go to San Antonio, and I just had this whole other life there and would come back and act like little Miss AA girl, you know. And I really thought people were buying it. I found out later, I kind of had an idea.

But, my my first husband goes back to prison at that time and, we didn't have anything to split, so it was an easy divorce. And, so then I meet my second ex husband. This is pathetic. Okay. 2nd ex husband.

He's living at that men's halfway house. So see, it paid off to go to those meetings. He was living there. He was an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic.

He was in relapse. I was in relapse. So it was love again, you know. It was it was another healthy start. And, I began drinking and and doing stuff with him.

And, I absolutely understand about the progression of this disease. I could definitely see it in my life, but once I got once I got with him, it was like it was taken to a whole another level. And, that was about 6 months of doing that. And I got all the material stuff back. I had an apartment, a car, the clothes.

I had clothes, but the family, you know, I got the material stuff back, but at the end of this 6 months with him, I am so dead inside. The darkness is so thick. Alcohol has become the constant in my life, and I can't stop. No matter how much I promised myself I'm not gonna stop at the store and get a 12 pack on the way home before I go I'm pulling in. I mean, I can't not do it, understand.

And at the end of a 3 day binge, he and I are holding each other, just crying, going this has got to stop. This has got to stop. And I remember looking up at the ceiling laying on that bed just going, god, if you're even there, I need your help. And I don't know what was different than about that cry out to god than the other millions I've done before. I don't know why it was different, but something inside me didn't wanna be this woman anymore.

And it had never been so strong. By the grace of God, I was able to walk into, a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that next night, and that was January 11, 1999. I had no idea what was about to happen to me, you know. I had no idea. My stepfather had been in AA when my when I was drinking in my college days and stuff.

And I I used to throw beer on him. I mean, he talked to me about his special meetings, and he would call his sponsor his special friend, you know. And I would just ask your special friend, you know. And I was just throwing I was a nightmare. And so he was he was my example of AA.

It would try to get me when I'm drunk, when I don't even wanna be sober. And he's and so I was just, you know, so walking into those rooms is really difficult. Plus the fact that most of the people that I worked with, that I've been lying to for a year, they were in that meeting. That was a little difficult because I am the the queen of wearing the mask, like everything's okay. I am I'm a master at it, and I can switch the mask no matter who I'm with and what I'm doing, and I was just so good at it.

So here I am in this room, and I'm about to get honest for the first time. And I remember when they got done and they get to give out chips, and then, you know, they give a little speech on the desire chip, and and I'm in my head, I'm going, don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up. Don't get up.

Oh, God. I'm up. You know, it's like, I have no idea. I know it was God today, you know. But that was a it was a turning point for me because that meant the gig's up.

Game's over. Game is over. And I had a woman that walked up to me and said, you need a sponsor. Gave me your card. I heard her speak in the meeting, and she was talking about how her life had changed.

And then God sent her to me, to be my sponsor. I think God sent And then God sent her to me, to be my sponsor. I think God knew that I was so stubborn that I probably wouldn't get one, or I would shop around and be like, she's not cute enough. I don't like this. I don't like that.

You know, so he knew he needed to send me one. And, and that began my journey with her. And she sat me down and started the title page of this book and walked me through, literally read it to me Okay. Thanks, Tom. Appreciate it.

So I had this woman that took the time to sit down and reach. She didn't know me from Adam. She didn't know anything about me. I'm a total stranger to her and yet she's ready to sit down with me and take the time to do this. And I heard, Paul and some other people talk about it, just blow it it blowed me away.

Jeez. It blew me away that that, that this person wanted nothing from me. She didn't she didn't want anything but to sit down and help me. And, and now that I've been through this work, I understand why. You know?

I understand that she was doing that so that she could stay sober. I I understand that it was it was the highlight of her life at that time, because it became mine shortly thereafter. You know, she explained in the 3 pieces of this disease to me, understanding that I was I was not a bad person. Because see the the book talks about the the if if moral conviction and a better philosophy of life was enough to keep us sober, I think a lot of us would have been sober a long time ago. Because I had strong moral conviction.

I've been raised in this Christian home. I've been taught what kind of little girl I was supposed to be. Who made you? God made me. What else did God make?

God made all things what? You know, quote the scripture, blah blah blah. I knew, and yet, I couldn't be her. I wanted desperately to be daddy's little girl. And yet, I'm out there doing things that I would die if he ever knew.

I had no idea how I'd become the woman I'd become at 26. And I remember at the end of my disease looking at myself, standing there just shaking going, how did you become this? And standing there just shaking going, how did you become this? What is wrong with you? This is not how you were raised.

I could not understand what was wrong. So when she explained to me that it wasn't about just making good choices, and being a good girl, and and following, you know, how you know, it wasn't about that. I didn't have the power to make that kind of choice. The choice I did have was to seek spiritual help. You know.

That's the choice I had. That I needed a defense in my life, or I was gonna do it again. And, the desperation to do anything to not be this woman anymore was so strong, and I was ready for the change. And and so really understanding step 1, that I was either gonna die this alcoholic death or I was gonna live on a spiritual basis, that there were no option c's, You know, it was like a, b. That's it.

And I've been looking for option c my whole life. Okay. Let's try this. Let's this will work. No.

This is it. Getting beat into a state of reasonableness. And what that looked like for me at that time was, alright, surrender. I will do anything you ask me to do. Anything.

I just don't wanna be me anymore. I don't know how to get out of this cycle, I don't know how stop this insanity. I can't shut the voices up in my head. I have to have alcohol just to feel okay. I'll do anything.

And I stepped on faith that what she was telling me was true, and that it was gonna happen. Because what other options did I have? I had exhausted the rest of them. So it was either gonna be, I'm gonna go towards this light or I'm gonna end up over in the darkness. You know, the the the God stuff, I thought was gonna be fairly simple because it's like, yeah, I've been around God my whole life.

Check, you know, God step 2. But I had to go a lot deeper on that because I had so many prejudice from from religion and some some things that had happened around the church and and in our family around, God or in the name of God and some really hypocritical people that had come in and out of our lives, that I had some pretty strong prejudice, that needed to be cracked. And throughout my sobriety, they've continued to get cracked. But at the beginning, I really had to understand that, that this God was about was about love and that and that that's what he wanted for me was to restore me to sanity. You know, he wanted to help me.

He wanted to be there for me. Because the the god of my childhood was pretty punishing and pretty judgmental and had some pretty high standards, and I couldn't live up to him. So it was like, screw it. I won't even seek him, you know. So I had to really try to shift my thinking around this god stuff in order for this to work.

And again, like I said, I've had current shifting taking place, you know, it doesn't just happen overnight. You know, the further along I got in this work, the more I understood that that these steps were about finding out about me, you know, finding out the truth about me. This 4th and 5th step business that I was so scared of, I didn't this was the first time I was gonna let another person into my life and let them know the truth about me. Because I've been hiding for so long that I had no idea how freeing it was gonna be to get honest with someone, you know. And when I left there, God, I remember oh, I won't share that.

Never mind. Okay. It's cool. Never mind. Okay.

So I get done, with this fist step business, and at the end of the fist step, she goes, here I've you know, when we got to the I'm about to share it again. Dang. Stop. Right. Okay.

So we get to the sex inventory. Right? I'm just kidding. No, I'm not. And, and this was this was my dark closet, you know.

This the the behavior. Heidi talked about some of it too, you know. This was this was the place no no one had ever gone with me. Me and God, we're the only ones that had these memories, you know. And and so when I got to this part, it was like, I don't wanna look at my behavior around this stuff.

I don't wanna talk about it. I don't uh-uh. Can we just go on? And, and that was so freeing because darkness cannot live where there is light. So as I opened this dark closet, I took this padlock from hell off that closet, and I let this light in.

She helped me understand that that's who I was in my disease. That's not who I am. But I am a child of God. That I am precious and innocent. And that the things I did in my disease, that that doesn't define me as a woman, you know.

And it was an amazing experience. Again, because I had beat myself up so long for for who I become. And, then she shared some of her stuff and I was like, jeez, woman. You're a ho. Just kidding.

Just kidding. But it was almost like I wish she would have shared that with me first to kinda let me know I was was safe. But, thank God for for a I mean, this is this is what I'm talking about. This is a total stranger. She's she's probably my mother's age.

She's, you know, and yet we've been through the exact same stuff. You know, God knew who I needed in my life. And, 6 and 7, I got to see who I was without God. You know, I got to see that that that where my need was. I get to look at these things in my life that are objectionable to me so that I can try to become the opposite.

Had an amazing experience around the the amends. And, the biggest one for me was, you know, that night of my car accident, my mother is the only one that knows really what happened that night. She's the only one that knows the fight we got into, the things that were said. I don't remember. And my selfishness, about if I could have only said this, if I could have just stopped her, if I could have just taken the keys, if I could have just calmed her down, if I, you know and I'm so selfish that not only did I let my mother carry that, but I used it.

I used my car accident. Mom, people are talking about me, you know, in my face and I'm you know, and and make her feel bad for me so that I can get what I want. I used this thing. I wanted to play sports in college and that was taken from me because of the wreck, and I would use that to make her feel sorry for me. And I I had no clue how this tortured this woman until I got to make amends to her.

And part of my amends to her was releasing her of that and taking full responsibility for that night. But there is nothing she could have done. There's nothing she could have said. I was the drunk. I was the one that drove.

It is what happened. And not only that, but now God uses it to help other people, mom. It's not your fault. And here's this pretty tough woman who had been through a lot in her life, and and you can just see this. I mean, she's physically I mean, it's coming.

It's coming. This years of guilt that she suppressed for years about her little what she could have done for her daughter, and she just loses it. You know? That began some healing for her that I mean, it's just amazing, you know, how God works. And, that is such a huge part of my recovery today as far as accepting responsibility for where my life is and what's going on, accepting that and doing something about it, because I've been the victim my whole life.

When I first got sober, my sponsor used to say, Alicia, your v is flashing. Because I'd be like, did I tell you what he did? Victim victim victim, you know. Because I realized how much I get out of it, you know. My god, I get attention, I get sympathy, I get my way, I I get an excuse for why my life sucks.

I get something out of it. And it was so comfortable and familiar to me that it was terrifying to get out of it. It was terrifying to step up and do something different. And yet, I had said at the beginning, I'm willing to do anything to not be me. And that meant, getting out of the victim role and and growing up for the first time.

When I got to step 12, the first woman that I sponsored, you know, she got loaded. I was like, oops, did something wrong, you know. Must have skipped a page or 2 or something. And, that happened a lot, but, I finally started to understand why I was sober. It finally clicked as to what the whole plan and the purpose was of my life here.

You know, the book says we have recovered and given and been given the power to help others. That, that's that's what I'm I'm about today. That's what I'm supposed to be doing today is to carry this message to the next girl that walks in. And the first time I saw a young lady my age come into the meeting, and she had her eyes down to the ground, she couldn't look up. She was terrified, sitting back in the corner with her arms crossed.

I knew exactly why. I knew why. Because that was me. And the amazing thing was, I now had something to offer. I had something to go give that girl to help her, you know.

And not just help her have a better day, help her save her freaking life. I mean, this was this was an amazing responsibility that I've been given, that we've all been given from doing this work. And, you know, the book talks about over and over that, trials and low spots, helping others is gonna save the day. Trouble in personal relationships, throw yourself harder into helping others. Nothing ensures immunity from drinking is helping another alcohol.

I mean, it's it's throughout the whole book, because it's the key. Helping others is a foundation stone of our recovery. And if I'm not doing it, then I'm missing something. I'm missing it. I've done a lot of stupid things in my little time sober.

I have, made made some mistakes, gotten complacent, huge ego. I mean, I've I've done a lot of things that that some of us do. But the one thing that God has continued to do is to place women in my path that need help. And if I will step up to the plate and help them, it always seems that God takes care of me. And I really started to finally understand think about you and what's going on in your life and what I can do to help you.

You're going to think about God, and God's going to take care of me. I'll think about you, you think about God, and God's gonna take care of me. And over and over in my sobriety, that has saved my life. It has saved the day. You know, back up real quick.

I ended up, you know, alcoholic number 2. Hey, that's in the book somewhere. My second ex husband, when I had 2 months sober, I finished the work. I'm sponsoring people. The obsession was lifted, you know, probably 30 days into my recovery.

And and and Shane, he relapsed. And here, I was thinking that we were gonna be sober together forever. Here's my great plans again. We were gonna sponsor couples. Mhmm.

We were gonna go to couples conventions. We had all I I had a plan for us, and he screwed that up. These these guys just do not do what they're supposed to do. And, and I got to see at that moment just how much I'd still been using him to fill this void, and how much he was my higher power. Because I came home and he was just gone, and he was just missing.

And I fell on the ground that night crying so hard, just crying out exhaustion because I knew if I walked out that door, I was gonna get loaded because that's what Alicia does. She doesn't feel pain. She doesn't get uh-uh. She drinks and blots out. And I wanted to be sober more than anything in the world.