Unity Day in San Jose, CA

Thank you very much. My name is Norman. I'm an alcoholic from Monrovia. And I'm extremely happy to have the opportunity to be here. And I I wanna thank, Bruce and, Henry and the entire committee for the opportunity to be here tonight to participate.

The opportunity to see some old friends and to reunite myself with some, new from old friends and to to meet some new people here. To have the opportunity to say, welcome to all of the new people that are out there tonight for your 1st, 2nd, or 3rd meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you will tonight, why try to keep an open mind on what you can use while I take it with you. And if you can't use it, why it'd be good enough to kick it out of the chair and leave it here? And you gotta remember that anything I might try and say here tonight are gonna be things that I personally believe in.

In is gonna be what the program of Alcoholics Anonymous means to me. It's gonna be some things that I've used to say sober over a period of time. That I'm not by any stretch of imagination, an authority, a consultant, or a counselor on the program Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm an example, good or bad, that AA works. That it has been necessary for me to take a drink, steal anything, or go to jail now for over 28 years.

I'm sure that I really didn't think anybody be impressed. I am obviously, I never brought it up. And you never know, I've been talking about it for years. You know, we got a lot of changes in AA, and I keep thinking, you know, know, somewhere down the road, we're gonna get a pension program going. And my god, if we ever do, I sure wanna get cut for all my time.

So I bring it up anytime I have the opportunity. And if I don't have the opportunity, I'm gonna talk about it anyway. But to the new guy that's sitting out there tonight, it's difficult to digest when you hear people talking about the sobriety. You know, you're sitting there and you're a couple days sober, you're nervous as hell. You're sitting on your hands jumping out of your knickers and you hear a guy say, I haven't had any booze now for 28 years and you probably wanna run outside and throw up.

And I can I can understand that? I can still relate to it. I hope the hell I never forget. You know, I'm sitting there in that first alcoholics anonymous meeting, and at that time I was 29 years old. And a guy stands out in front of the group that night and he says, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink stealing and then go to jail for 9 and a half years.

And I I felt the same way. You know, what a liar. Jesus, what a liar. Well, man, there ain't no way I could go 9 and a half years if he doesn't drink. Now how can he make it out there and not rotten jungle and deal with all those lousy people and meet his responsibilities and and be sober for 9 and a half years, and I just couldn't visualize it.

Anybody could do it. And I hadn't come to AA for 9 and a half years to compound the problem. I come to AA for a little while. I think most of us did. I I came in here because I had a lot of heat on out there, and I wanted to get that heat off.

I wanted to find some way to control this thing that was giving me some minute much trouble. I wanted to, get back out and get going because I had a great deal to do. Alcoholics are busy people, and I had a lot moving out there. And I wanna get out before it's all gone. You know how that goes.

And I had a lot of my friends were out there, my best friends, and they were out there. And, I couldn't think of their names, but they were my best friends. And I I was concerned about their well-being and I was quite sure that they have a difficult time to survive if I wasn't there. And I went on and on with this damn thing. And I almost rationalized myself right out the door and back into those gin mills, but I I kept going to meetings.

And if I'm gonna say anything tonight that may be significant, why you gotta go to meetings. You see, it's so very very important. And whether you've been around for 28 days or 28 years, it really doesn't make much difference. Not as far as I'm personally concerned. You see, if I'm gonna maintain an assemblance of sanity and serenity and peace of mind and sobriety.

If I'm going to, find the equalizer in my life, I'm going to find it here in Alcoholics Anonymous. The answers to my problems, most of my problems, why I'll be able to relate to talk to the people here. You see, the people out there in that street could have answered my problems. Hell, I'd have still been out there. There's no question about it, but, they couldn't.

And so I came here and so they became the the equalizer in my life. And today, more so than ever, last year was kind of a mass exodus. There were half a dozen of my friends. They were from 16 to 26 years and they all went back out again and there's all still out there. And I've talked to several of them and their stories are all the same that they just hadn't had any time for the last 10, 15 years to get to any meetings you see.

The equalizer in their life was long gone. They got involved in other things that they felt were more important and now they're out there struggling to try to get back again. Easier to stay here, you see. And when you're new, it's so very important because you've got a lot of questions and like, hey, I'm concerned about the nine and a half years. And they assured me in a short period of time that I needn't be concerned about the next nine and a half years.

Because all I had going for me was now, right now. They said, Norm, it's now, and there isn't any more. You couldn't change what happened a couple of hours ago. And I can't tell you what's going down a couple of hours from now. That if there's anything moving in my life is moving, it's right now.

And you better get all you can get right now, good, bad, or indifferent, because you may not be through this way again, or maybe it's not going to be through again. So you better get a hold of it. You know, all you can get. And if you're sitting out there and you're brand new and it's going good, for God's sake, don't talk. No.

Don't say to your sponsor, how come it's going so good? You know, if it's going good, man, get it. All you can get right now, because I'll tell you, buddy, it'll get salty later on. I'll guarantee you that. And my golly, I come to find out that if I just kinda take care of right now, the day it take care of itself, and I've been moving that way now for over 28 years.

It was just the other day really that I walked through the door and I sat there in those AA meetings. And I'm a brand new guy and I'm going through the mental gymnastics that everybody goes through is, what the hell am I doing in AA? Why am I an alcoholic? This isn't something I've been looking forward to over a long period of time. I had not gone down to my high school counselor, and he said, what would you like to be?

And I said, an alcoholic. God, he was overjoyed. My counselor was. He said, marvelous. We got a hell of a program for jackasses, boy.

Yeah. And I took that program, and I ripped that city for 15 years, and I ended up in AA. As a matter of fact, was not even an alcoholic the day before I came to the program. None of us were, were we? We're all heavy drinkers.

Victim of unusual circumstances and rotten drivers. But, man, I ain't no alcoholic, you know. And so I'm sitting here wondering why is it all of a sudden here I am, and I am alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic probably by virtue of my family. My family are all heavy drinkers.

Oh, they did a lot of boozing out there, but I was the only alcoholic in the whole rotten family and that bothered me a lot, Jizzy. I thought why have I been given the cross to carry when I'm the best they produced? And there was never any question about that because I talked to myself about that several times. And the the answer always came out. You are the greatest guy you know.

Yes. Well, hell, why are you an alcoholic and nobody in your family's alcoholic? And I couldn't solve that problem. And my people were fine people. Don't get me wrong.

And I love them, and they love me. My people are Irish Italian. They're not overly intelligent. They talk a lot with their hands. They're, too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash, and that take care of for about 75 years out there.

But, my God, when you wanna know something about booze, you come to see us and we'll tell you about it. We not only told you about it, but we made it. The Italians made it, the Irish drank it, and I got to AA, and that's about the way it went. Yeah. I I felt between my family and the environment that the problem was there.

I'm a product to LA, and anybody coming out of Los Angeles had a lot of trouble with it. Hell, LA is a city, isn't it? And you can get out anywhere you wanna get out of. You want it bad enough, and you're willing to make the sacrifices to get it to do it, and people, places, and things don't make anybody anything. No.

Whiskey made me alcoholic. And if you're sitting out there new tonight, well, maybe your problem the same identical to mine, you see. And I figured all that out by myself. It was the whiskey. That was it.

I drink that whiskey out there as hard and as fast as I could drink it. And some where in that lottery in my life, I caught some invisible line from the social aspect to drink you to the compulsive area. 1 is too many and a 1,000 are enough. Looking for the answer living on the court of whiskey and I can't find it. The whiskey was the problem, and I'm the guy that did the drinking.

So when you get down to the bottom line, I'm the problem. And that hasn't changed up to you including today because no no matter where I go, I'm the 1st guy to get there. I don't think any of us had to call somebody up and say, Charlie, I'm down here on Vermont. Will you please come down and help me get it screwed up? I have never had to do that.

I've been able to overreact to any situation, anywhere, anytime. I don't need anybody to help me out there. I had all that before I ever took a drink. I still revert back to that old personality from time to time. I'm the first guy to admit that making money is good, but getting even better a lot of times.

That's true. And that's the way it used to be. That was me. These were all of the qualifications I had long before that booze. I traveled half the world and half my life.

I made a complete ass of myself. I spent money I didn't have buying things I didn't need, trying to impress people I didn't like. I I sat around them barstools and talked to them high rollers, you know, about being all things to all people. I built the castle in the air and formed the corporations. I talked to 1,000,000 spent in 1,000 and never had a dollar in my pocket.

I drove the Cadillacs up and down the barn night after night after night. And and when them big money people said, what do you do, man? I said, I do it all, boy. I thought you. I'm general manager of the universe, and don't you ever forget that.

The alcoholic spends a lifetime impressing a group of people he's never met in his life that he is something he isn't. God. You might find me in August driving around LA where the windows roll up in my car to make them think I had an air conditioner. You know. And the beauty of it is when I came into the program, I found out that I didn't have to operate.

I didn't have to live that way any longer. When I got to AA, well, the people said to me straight out, Sonny, don't impress us here. We have been impressed by experts in the business. Because everybody in About anything, I don't care what it is. He's gonna comment on it.

About anything. I don't care what it is. He's gonna comment on it. If he doesn't know what you're talking about, he'll probably say that's true. Yeah.

So you discover you're around, a lot of experts, and no matter where you've been this guy got here before you did. I remember one night I was telling this guy thought he'd be impressed, it was new, and I said, sir, you know I've been in jail about 25 times. He says, the hell yeah, son. I did that in a year. You know, so so you learn real early Just lay it all down and grab the package that's available to you here and be yourself.

I don't have to compete with anybody today. I don't have to compete with you, nor you or will I. All I gotta be today is to be sober and be a little bit better than what I was yesterday, and that's enough. And if you're new here this evening, you might give it a little thought, and you just might grab that package, and you might take it out with me tomorrow on that city street, and you might spend a day just being sober, being yourself, and being a little bit better than what you were yesterday. And I can tell you any reservation whatsoever, it's the best deal I ever had in my life.

And I'm a guy that looks half the world out there trying to find the best deal, and I didn't find it. Not until I got here and was surrounded and introduced and subjected to a marvelous group of people that chose to call themselves Alcoholics Anonymous. This evening, to tell you just briefly about what it was like, I told you a great deal. I got a bad attitude. And by virtue of my bad attitude, I got a rotten attitude as a matter of fact.

And because of my rotten attitude, I had a lot of rotten trouble out there. My rotten trouble started in 1939. I wasn't drinking in 39. I was stealing. I mean, I was too young to drink.

I I'm a thief by trade. I'm an alcoholic by absorption. Was the vice president, general manager of all the outside operations of the midnight auto supply in the San Gabriel Valley. I was in the car business. I could sum it all up by side.

If it was too big to carry, I laid down beside it and claimed it, and that was the way it went. I became one of the greatest and finest car thieves that ever came out of the valley, but it was illegal. I was arrested. I went to jail and that was the end of that vocation. After I got out of the can, I started, I suppose looking for something that was gonna get me, you know, all moving that, fantasy land and that booze walked in?

And the first time I was drunk in my life was in 1941. It was Easter week in Los Angeles. Easter week, Balboa Beach, the rendezvous ballroom, Stan Kenton, and Padre beer. And what a deal. Jesus.

We we drink a little Padre and we get a little buzz on, we go on that dance hall, and we dance with them dollies, and we'd act four times drunk on what we were, and we we'd breeze on them girls, you know, let them know, you know. Big man's in from LA, baby. What do you say? Got a little booze out there in the car, you know. Oh, yeah.

It was a lot of fun. Hell, it was fun. In the beginning, I didn't have any trouble. I didn't get any jams. I wake up in the morning, have more to drink.

On the weekends, it's the way it went. We either went to the cotton club down in Culver City or the tree now in South Gate or the Pasadena city. Because around the little ballroom and down Balboa and it was a Dorsey Brothers and Kenton and the rest of it. It was fun. I kinda grounded out.

I moved out of because I never give you enough. You had to drink a lot of it to get a buzz on, and I'm a guy who looked for the buzz. And I moved from the padre to the rainy ale, the old green death. And from the green death, I moved into whiskey. And when I got to whiskey, I found it.

The greatest thing made since money and girls was whiskey. I even got to the point my life, I like the taste of it. Yeah. God, what a break. My sponsor drank for over 30 years and hated every drop he ever drank, you know.

But I I got to the point that I like the taste of it. But I like the buzz. Man, that whiskey gets your attention, and it gets it right now. It gets you downtown, and man, that's all I ever want to be. I wanna be downtown, and I don't wanna get there in a little bit.

I wanna get there right now. And you got to admit that wish he does. Difficult in beginning when you're young and you're training out there, and I broke in on that 10 high. And that was about as rotten as you can get that old 10 high. Burn going and coming, it ran out my nose and made my eyes water, but I I hung in.

And I I think that's important. You know, if a guy's gonna be an alcoholic, he doesn't doesn't give up because he heaves a little, does he? You stay in there, man. Yeah. And the day comes, you can drink a pot of whiskey and you don't heave anymore, you kinda feel good all over a lot.

Don't you? Yeah. And that was the beginning of the end. That whiskey started getting me in more trouble than I had been in before. I violated my probation in the end of 41.

They were gonna send me back to jail. The war broke out by then and rather go to jail, they gave me the opportunity to join the service. So I joined the navy. I went the navy in January 1942. I stayed 4 years.

I went into seamen, came out of seamen. That's pretty hard to do. People said, to me, oh, Norm, how did you do that? And I said, you just put your mind to it. That's all.

Right? An alcoholic, he can do it if he wants to. And other guy said, well, how come he didn't get a kick out of BCD or something worse, you know. I I said, I'm I'm sure like most alcoholics, well, I'm a hard worker. Oh, you can say that about most of the alky's.

You know, they're hard workers. They gotta work 25% harder than anybody else just to stay even out there. Right? That old Elky's always coming from behind. He's always got the heat on.

In order to get the heat off, we always get when he's right, he's gotta go. Our best day is Tuesday. We miss Monday. Man, we give our hell. Tuesday, don't we?

We run all over. We're doing 4 jobs in one, getting that heat off out there. And that was the story of my life. I like ships. I like to see.

When I was aboard ship and I was at sea, I did a good job. I didn't get any trouble. I sure I drank some of that shipboard juice, a little Aquavela, Vitalis, Sneaky Pete, a little fermented coconut juice, you know, a few things like that. I had stuff made by all those amateur distillers, but I I was able to kinda keep it under control. When that ship pulled into port and I was on a beach, man, I'm in jam, one jam after another.

I never got back to the ship until they hauled me in. I was court martialed for many other many things. I had a deck of summary in a general court. I did 11 and a half months in the navy brig up on top of Goat Island of a general court martial. Had 70, 80 day self check confinement on bread and water, some other miscellaneous things that aren't important, but all directed to the booze.

I survived the service. I came back to LA in 46. In 46, that invisible line I made mention. I passed it. I'm that guy out there really looking for that answer living that quarter whiskey now.

Can't live with it and can't live without it and don't want to. I crossed that invisible line. I I really couldn't tell you. 1920 doesn't really make any difference. But in in 1946, I'm now starting to always come from behind.

In 1946, strange things happened, in spite of myself. I heard about AA. In 1946, I was having a bad time in a rotten town down south called Pasadena. Bad town. Bad cops, rotten judge, terrible jail.

I was having a lot of problems in that town. I got picked up on my second five zero two, and I went in front of the judge. And the judge says, a year suspended. 3 year I hear about it or the probation department hears about it, you're gonna be violated and you're going back to jail and you're gonna give me that year. Get the hell out of my courtroom.

And I remember that day like yesterday. And I'm walking out of the courtroom and that sigh of relief to know that I've got through one more jam. And I'm saying to myself, self, don't drink in Pasadena. Right? You don't have to have a 130 IQ to know you're having a hell of a lot of trouble in that town.

And it all seems to revolve around this booze, so don't do any drinking there. Alright? I'm not gonna. And I stayed out of town 2, 3 months, and the inevitable happened, things are going good. And I'm drinking one night down one of the beach towels.

I come out of the carnival sin. While I was drinking, I started to think. An alcoholic should never do that. He should think or drink, but he should never do them both at the same time. Because I got to thinking about silly things like, I'm going back to Pasadena.

Yeah. Well, that makes a lot of sense. About 10 o'clock in your half smashed. And so I got in my automobile and drove back to Pasadena and pulled into a place there called the Green Terrace. I met a buddy of mine, and we decided to close the place, and we did.

And the last thing I remember is we were heading for Eagle Rock. There was an after hours joint over there, and that's the last thing I remember till a car made a left turn in front of me, and I couldn't see it. And I smashed into the side of it. And when I woke up in the morning, I was in jail in Pasadena. Hell, I pulled a book and slipped out of my pocket and I'm cited on a 501 felony drunk driving, hit and run bodily injury involved, and I might add.

But for the grace of God, it looks after damn fools and drunks. I didn't kill 4 people out there in the city street that night. You see, alcoholism is a game of seconds and inches. You know, a few inches, a few seconds, a snap of the finger. A few inches, a few seconds, a snap of the finger.

3 and a half, 4 feet. That's all you got to talk about. If I'd have been over about and a half feet at the broad side of that car, the rate of speed I was driving had to kill the people. I recognize that today. And how strange it is.

God moving into these strange and mysterious ways. And no matter what I do or I don't do, it works out that way anyway. Here I am, and I'm back into a town that I said I never be back to again to hit a car, to walk down and stand in front of a judge who has no choice but to send me to jail. And in the city jail, I shared a jail cell with a guy who was going to AA. Now that's crazy, ain't it?

200, 250 guys are doing time. One guy gets out of jail once a week to go to AA. Some used to pick him up. They take him to a meeting. He was a trustee.

He was an honor system. They take him to a meeting, and after the meeting, they bring him back, and they would lock him up. And we would sit there, and we would talk about this program. I didn't wanna talk about it. He wanna talk about it, and so we talk.

You know, you don't have a big audience in the jail, Sal. And he's you know, he would always come back to say, Norm, why don't you come to a meeting? You're in here because of and why don't you go to a meeting with me? And and I told him words to this effect. I just silly, I'm not an alcoholic.

No. I don't need this thing whatever you are. You know, this a a thing. I'm having a lot of problems and bad luck and rotten people out there and a hell of a lot of bad drivers. I mean, I'm an alcoholic.

And good God, I'm much too young to be an alcoholic. I said, Jesus, I get to be your age. You're 36. You know, what do you really got to look forward to? You're what do you have to contribute to anybody out there?

You might as well go to, hey. They have nothing else left. And that was the end of that. He went his and I went mine. But you know that seed was planted.

I never forgot about that guy. And over the next eight and a half years, periodically, I used to wonder what the hell ever happened to sell you. I wonder if he's still around. I wonder if AA is here. I wonder if he's going.

In 19 54 in February, I'm laying on the floor, and I'm about as sick as I've been a long time. And I'm laying there thinking I don't I just can't go on this way. And I I got to wondering what the hell is old Sullivan doing. I wonder if he's still going to sing AA. And you know, I went in and I picked up a telephone and I called the central office in Los Angeles because I was trying to find a guy named Sullivan I shared a jail cell with in 1946.

That seed is extremely strong. I didn't go to any meetings. I knew very little about AA. If you're sitting out there new tonight, well, the seed is planted. And now you may choose to go back out again, and you may be sitting around them gin mills out there, but rest assure we're going to be with you, my God.

I'll tell you that. And because the one thing we guarantee here is we'll absolutely louse up your drinking. That much is for sure. I hope to hell you don't have to go. But if you do, I hope you come back to see us.

Well, I stayed out there eight and a half years. I drank a lot of whiskey in order that I might qualify for this program. I went to work one of the largest construction firms in the world. I stayed with them 11 years. The company at that time was owned and operated by 3 Yugoslavs that came from the old country.

They made all the money with hard work and good whiskey, so I fit. And we got work going in the 11 Western States. We're in a pipeline business and the tunnel business. I hit that high road. You know, I'm at the right place at the right time, and the jobs are bigger and better, and the money's coming in.

I'm drinking better booze and better places, and life is good. And then I had a little setback. I met and married a red headed Irish woman. Had a violent temper, a rotten disposition, yelled at me a great deal, never recognized my sensitivity, and was pregnant every other year. It was incredible.

I know my bar associates had told me, Norm, don't ever marry a woman until you got a job. You're in deep trouble. Make sure she's working. You have now doubled your income. About midnight, that makes a lot of sense.

I've been running with old red. We've been going around together, and we decided one night we'd turn the trick, and we got married. She had a hell of a job. Things couldn't have been better. Couple of months later, I walk in the house in the impossible scene.

She says, Norm, I've been to the doctor. I'm pregnant. I have to quit my job. I gotta get off my feet. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Did you ever tell that to an alcoholic? Tell him anything you know, something you don't wanna believe. I don't wanna believe that. Well, I even asked for a second opinion on this thing. What the hell?

But her being a hard headed Irish woman, why she assured me this is the way it was gonna be, and I got to think, oh, well, hell, that isn't all that bad. That cheaper takes about 9 months. The hell we'll give her 2 to get on her feet. We'll get the rotten job back, and everything's gonna be just like it was. That's the story of the alcoholic's life.

Everything's gonna be just like it was. Jesus, that was 34 years ago. She ain't turned to tax since that day. No. She got herself in that shape 8 times.

It was unbelievable. I used to sit around the gym and wonder how the hell could it happen? I'm not home that much either. No. That that number come up 14 every other year.

There she go. You know? Jesus. And then running disposition of hers, you know, I'd be gone a couple of days and I walk in the house and, Jesus, I'm tired. I've been busy out there.

And I'm sick and a little drunk, and and I'd like to be greeted with a little love, affection, and understanding. I don't know. Not around that house. Hell, you walk through the door from 10 feet, she's yelling. You're drunk again.

You're drunk again. I used to stand there dumbfounded. I wonder how the hell does she know? I remember on Sunday, I'd had a bad day. I've been down to Helen's Pepper Tree in Baldwin Park, and I'd have a conversation with a guy.

We had a disagreement, and he opened my eye up. And I got dried blood all down the side of my face, my shirt's torn, and I got one shoe on. And I was trying to figure out how the hell she know I've been drinking. I had that marvelous story I was gonna let her in on. She never get the opportunity.

You drunk again. And what conversations? I say who me? Like, 30 guys are with you. You know?

Yeah. She say, yeah. You. And then I get it with that big one. I say, baby, do you know who you're talking to?

And typical alcoholic, I would introduce myself. I'm old norm, baby. Baby. That's who the hell I am, and don't you ever ever forget that. You're trying to let her in on a hell of a deal, aren't you?

Yeah. And then she would mimic me as only the way an Irish woman can do it. Yeah. I'm old Norm. That's who I am.

You know? It's so degrading for a high roller who's standing in the kitchen with his new business partner. That's a fellow you met in the bar last night you invited him home. And the reason he's coming home with you is, hell, he don't wanna go home alone either. You know?

He's married to an Italian girl. There is bad. Yeah. And so there you are, the blind leading the blind. You've embarrassed me in front of my best friend.

And I couldn't think of his name, you know. And then she tell me what I do with best friend. And I said, that's where you gonna be. I'm believing this dump ain't never coming back. What do you think of that?

And she throw my clothes out. And then I pick all the clothes up and I pack them out of the car, in and out, you know, loading up that car. That old clothes packing alcoholic. He's the joy to that neighborhood, ain't he? The neighbors are out of the porch.

There he goes. Yeah. You're exciting. Beats gunsmoke. Watching the old out there loading up his car in and out, honking his horn driving off down the street, into the sunset never to return, to wake up a couple of days later on the front seat of your car because that's where you're sleeping, hell your head screwed up under the arm rest, and the door handle in your ear.

Right? Man, that car sleeping will get you to AA, I'll guarantee you. You ever wake up by midnight and you're sick as hell and you think your window's down but it's up? Yeah. And you heave right in your window, and you knocked the hell out of your head.

And then you sit there and roll it down. Squish, squish, squish, squish. Right? And then you say to yourself, I wonder why you don't roll it down before I heave on it. I wonder.

Yes. These become giant problems in the life of an alcoholic. Now I gotta go home because I gotta wash your car out, and on the way home, I have a flat tire. But no self respecting alcoholic would change a flat tire when he's drinking. He drives on them because he knows they will go away.

Everything that is disserviceable in our lives will go away. We drink enough booze, it all goes away. The tire goes away. It gets all chewed up. You're driving on the rim.

We have a lot of rim drivers in AA. You ever see a rim driver coming home? You know, you got the death grip on that wheel, you know. Turn that car into that dry way, up on the lawn, opens the door, he falls out. And he lays out there for a while so the neighbors can inspect him.

Oh, they're yeah. They're yeah. And then the poor old alcoholic gets up off of the lawn, he says to himself, I wonder if anybody saw me. Yes. Because he's deeply concerned about what people think about him.

We as alcoholics worry all the time about our reputation. We don't do anything about it. We just worry about it. Is that the way to do? Well, I did all my bows out there in the Gin Mills.

I like the dark lights and rotten music. I like the intellectual giants. I like sitting there in midnight. Hell, by midnight looking in that mirror. You gotta get that Maybelline look.

Kinda wide eyed there. Yeah. You devil, there you are. It's incredible how good looking you get in it. Sitting there wondering why all the dollies aren't there, you.

Good looking, well built, intellectual, and wealthy. You got a $30 smiling and it's a paid toilet, and you haven't got the money to get in. You gotta slide under the and there's a paid toilet and you haven't got the money to get in. You gotta slide under the door. I bet there's some door sliders here tonight.

Sure. You slide in and you slide out. Because you're some drunk, you don't know. Once you get in, all you gotta do is just turn the handle and walk out. But not the alcoholic, if he slides in, damn it, he'll slide out.

Yeah. We'll show him. And we laugh, but it isn't very funny what we're going through it, is it? Because where you're grinding up every loving thing we own. It means anything in our life.

The inevitable. Little by little it's gone. The wheels of alcohol is in the grind very slow, but very fine. You give it enough time and the eventually, there you are and there's nothing. One day, the people I work and did business with said, that's it.

The old slabs sold out in 51 in an eastern firm pulled in, and they said, that's it. The next time I ever smelled booze on your breath, you you're through. Get out of here. And then I drove home one day. Yeah.

One more lie, one more promise, the schemer. How many times did I stand there with the tears going down saying, baby, Jesus, baby, give me a break. I'll throw me on. Hell, I got a deal. A new priest she was telling me about, I'm going down take another pledge, baby.

That that's what the hell I'm gonna do. You think of them kids now? Hell, you'll never love to be 35 years old. You're gonna have to get out of my life. I'm an erotic.

The kids are neurotic. All I do anymore is sit around all night looking out through the front room window just to see your car come up the street. And the nights you never come in, I don't sleep. And the nights I don't sleep, I hear the sirens run, and I'm taking the claps at you. Are you dead?

And I'm not going through it anymore. I call an attorney, Norm. I filed for settlement maintenance. I put a restraining order against you, Norm. I'm gonna divorce you.

You're out of my life. I'll always love you, but you tore out all the feeling. I haven't got any feeling for you one way or another. As the alcoholic, I can't believe what I'm listening to because these things always happen to everybody else. It never happened to you and I.

Drinking up booze long enough, hard enough, be alcoholic. I guarantee it's gonna get it. Can you find yourself driving on down the street wondering why me? Why? Why?

Well, you know and I know. Give it enough time and it gets it until the inevitable is you're standing here in the morning, and you're washing your face, or brush your teeth. You're sitting there in that saloon, you're looking in the mirror, and you gotta hang your head because what you see is something you can't tolerate. Because you lost the sweetest thing you ever owned in your life, the respect of yourself as a human being, as an individual. A man walked in, he says you've used your privilege of owning it, and he took it away.

And you walk around continue with that knot in your stomach. That remorse eats you alive, and you can't face living. And it becomes a psychological second in your life when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. And maybe it's the first time you come into the portal, or maybe it's the 10th or the 15th time, but it's that time you just say, I surrender. And you don't even know you say it.

I'm laying on that floor in February of 1954, and for some unknown reason, I just don't wanna go anymore. As I made mention, I walk in, I pick up a telephone, I get information, I get a hold of the LA central office. I call, and I get a hold of a guy over there, and his name is Johnny c. And this John was one hell of a guys. One of those guys you hear about in AA, gave away what he found.

He worked for beans in that central office, giving away what he found. LA central office has made possible for people like me to be here today. There's absolutely no question about it. That same old guy on a Thursday night, if you went down the old Alhambra meeting, you walk up the stairs, and up the top of the stairs sitting on the railing was a guy named Johnny c. And he had a knife for the new guy.

You walk in the meeting, he'd grab you, he'd spot you, and he'd grab you by the arm, and he'd take you, and he pour you a cup of coffee, and he'd say, you're new, aren't you son? And you're young. And keep an open mind, will you? Keep coming back. Go to a lot of meetings.

Get a hold of 3 and a half, and buy yourself a book. He says, son, if you do those things, you never have to take another drink again if you don't want to. And that's the guy that I talked to on that Sunday afternoon. That's the guy that said, do you have a do you think you got a drinking problem? And I told him I thought I did, and he gave me that he gave me that information.

He also gave me some phone numbers. He says call these numbers. He says these are people that live out in your area. He said you'll get a hold of 1 of them, they'll be able to see it. And so I started calling, and pretty soon I got a hold of the guy.

And he says hang in. I'll be out in a couple of hours. And a couple of hours later, while a guy walks in, then he sits down. He starts to talk to him. He's one of them old hard hearted sponsor you hear about in AA.

I used to think they sent him to school to be a hard hearted sponsor, you know. And his attitude was, boy, hey. You want this program, you gotta want it as bad as you wanted that whiskey, and you don't want it that bad. He said you're wasting our time. You're wasting my time.

You're wasting your time. He said don't you ever forget this. You need us, and we don't need you. That's the way it is. And you gotta come and get it.