The 39th Florida State Convention

Karen Garrison. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Karen. It's through the grace of God and the power of Alcoholics Anonymous, surviving sober since May 30, 1982, and that's the miracle in my life is our colleagues anonymous. I gotta tell you and I thank you for that.

If you're new in this room today, I wanna welcome you to AA and our lovely young lady right there in the 2nd row and Pablo back there. God, I envy you if you do what you're supposed to do in alcohol exonamish. You're in it for the adventure of your life, let me tell you. I'm not one that did what I was supposed to do and I'll tell you about that a little bit later but I hope you get a sponsor and I hope you get that book and you get busy and do what everybody else is doing around here and you're gonna stay sober as I've stayed sober for 13 years and people like me cannot stay sober. I can guarantee you.

I wanna thank the committee for inviting me to come and share my life with you today in Florida. And I think this committee deserves one hell of a round of applause. I gotta tell you. They've just done a fabulous job. And I'll tell you guys what, I have been having one hell of a time in your beautiful city, let me tell you.

And and I thank you for having me. I had never been this part of Florida before and I certainly enjoyed myself and people have been so kind to me and I thank you for that. I wanna thank Anne for for picking up from the airport. We had a great ride on the way over here and I've had she's from California and she drank in California like, you know, she said 9 did 9. I'd be dead if I drank in California.

I can tell you that the way I drink but you know, it's good good to meet her. I'm so glad we became friends this weekend and stuff. And, you know, I've been taught to do an awful lot of things before ever with my big mouth. And one thing is to talk to my sponsor and Clancy sends you his love and very best wishes today. And saying that this room is why I have a man for a sponsor and why I have Clancy for a sponsor.

It's really quite simple. I did not get sober in California. I got sober in a place called Lincoln, Nebraska. You know, the number one football team in the nation. You guys remember that, don't you?

But, anyway, I, I was not doing well in Alcoholics Anonymous in Lincoln, Nebraska. I went through 19 sponsors at a rapid clip, and I'm certainly not proud of it as I stand there today. And thank God for the old timers in AA because somebody loved me enough to get in my current sponsor. And I absolutely adore the ground that that man walks on. I talked to him about a half an hour ago as I do most days of my life, and and he said, get up there and share your experience, your strength, and your hope and tell those people what it was like, what happened, what it's like now.

Ignore the old timers. They go there. They don't need your inspiration, my dear, and and talk directly to those new people who are the life and blood of A. And I believe that as I stand here, Dan, I welcome you and I hope that you stay in. Then I think I did the without a doubt, the most important thing I can ever do and that's to say, god, please let me say what you want me to say to these people.

God is very much a part of my life today, you guys. It did not used to be that way for me. I can guarantee you. My home group is the Pacific Group in West Los Angeles, California, the biggest AA group in the world. There's 1400 people in that group, and and I am honored to be a member of it.

Let me tell you. My group sends you their love and very best wishes too, by the way. And and they're sorry that some of you come to the World Conference in San Diego, but some of you were there. And I saw some of you, and it's just awesome to see you in Florida again, I gotta tell you. But, anyway, we had a we had a fabulous weekend, didn't we?

I will never forget. That was my 3rd World Conference, and I intend to be there in the year 2000 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I tell you what and I hope if you didn't get to go, you get to come to that one. But anyway, you you know, there's a reason I have plans for sponsoring. I I need to tell you about that.

The day I got sober, I weighed £95. That was the color squash. I had now probably hepatitis. I had a liver cirrhosis. I had ruptured esophageal varices.

And if you don't know what that stuff is, you don't want this because you die from that kind of stuff. And I was standing on Skid Row in Lincoln, Nebraska sucking on the bottle of Mad Dog. And if you guys haven't drank Mad Dog, I need to tell you it's not one of your finer wines, I can tell you that. I'll guarantee you one thing, that crap has never seen a grape. Make no mistake about that.

And I literally could not believe what's going on in my life. I lost my children. I lost my husband twice. Although I didn't really care about that, I want you to know. I lost my car.

I lost my house. I destroyed every relationship I ever had with anybody, and I was dying from alcoholism. And then I lost the one thing that brought in my knees in this disease. I lost my nursing license. And you guys, I love my profession.

It absolutely devastated me, did not stop me from drinking. And there's a reason for that. And it's right now, a big book of alcohol externals that I have a obsession that somehow, someday, I want to control and enjoy my drinking. The persistent illusion is astonishing just like our book talks about. Many of us pursuing the gates of insanity and death.

And I'll guarantee you one thing, I was standing right on the line the day I got sober. And I'm truly grateful standing here 13 years sober because I really should be dead. You guys, it didn't start me standing on Skid Row, I gotta tell you. I come from a lovely, lovely home there in Lincoln, and I want you to know that. My mother wanted you to know it too.

I'll guarantee you that. I had a beautiful, sophisticated, elegant mother that died a year ago in March and I miss my mom so much. I cannot begin to tell you guys. And my mom was always so proud. Her daughter was 10 years sober in alcohol exonist when she died.

And although she didn't really believe I was an alcoholic the day she died, if you wanna know the truth, She thought I was having a few problems, and I sure as hell was. I can tell you that. But anyway, whenever I'd give a talk, I'd always talk to my mom. And this is what I miss most about her. I'd always call her up and and I'd say, mom, I'm gonna go speak here or whatever.

You know? And she'd say, why do you have to get up there and tell those people all that stuff about you? They're not gonna like you. And I'd always say, mom, the right that you want Alcoholics Anonymous, the more people love you. And and she said, well, I don't understand that.

And I said, well, you don't have to understand it. And she's saying, don't tell those people that you're afraid because they don't like people that are afraid. And I'd always say, mother, the more afraid you are on alcoholics, none of us, the more people love you. And one more time, she say, I don't get it. And why would she get it, you guys?

She wasn't an alcoholic. And then she'd always end up by saying to me, I'm gonna tell you something, young lady. You come from good stock and we don't air our dirty laundry in public. And I always say, mom, it's not dirty anymore. And she didn't understand that either.

But, anyway, her daughter her daughter, you know, was truly grateful to have a mother like I had, I gotta tell you. And I come from an alcoholic home, and I don't think that's neither here nor there. I don't do well with people that stand AA podiums and blame anybody for anything. And and my dad was an alcoholic, you guys, and I loved my father very, very much. And my dad died from this disease on the streets of Chicago in 1979.

And you tell me how major in the air force dies on Skid Row. I don't know that happened and the fact he was an alcoholic. And whether or not he ever found a or not, I do not know. I just know that he certainly does stay sober as a result of it. You know, one more time this afternoon, this is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that kills people.

This is not a game I'm playing up here. And I would gain in the world if my father were alive this afternoon because we would have one hell of a lot to talk about, I can tell you. I have a sister who was miss Wara in high school and homecoming queen and cheerleader, all that kind of crap, and made straight a's and never cracked the book and I made straight f's and never cracked the book and that was the difference. My, my sister was a beautiful little girl. She's a gorgeous woman today.

She She looks nothing like I do, I gotta tell you. And she's a model for many, many years for Neiman Marcus in Dallas and retired here recently. Now she's teaching school in the West Indies. And I gotta tell you guys, it is a direct result of our beautiful program. I love my sister very, very much today and I recently found out something about her.

She's very beautiful on the inside, you know, I never used to know that. I have a brother who's a pilot in the Navy in Spain who got home operation in Desert Storm not too long ago. It was in that first attack over there, and I am so grateful that war is over there. You have no idea. You're one of these people alcoholic.

I have another sister who's married to the public defender in Lincoln, Nebraska, who got me out of one hell of a bunch of trouble when I got sober and I'm walking to their homestay than I never used to be. I come from basically a very boring family, if you wanna know the truth. They're highly successful people and they bore me to tears, I gotta tell you guys. But I have a a couple of kids who are 34 and 35 years old and I know I certainly don't look old enough to have kids that age, but by God, I am. And and, and and this is where it really starts getting interesting for me.

These kids are anything but boring, I gotta tell you guys. As a matter of fact, they're a couple of jerks if you wanna know the truth. You know, I love my kids very, very much. Please don't get me wrong, but they are indeed a couple of jerks. And my oldest son's an alcoholic and I know our book says we don't call the people an alcoholic, but I'll call him 1 if I want to because he is 1.

And, that's a that's a I don't work in Al Anon program very well. But anyway, he got he got picked up for his number 9th and driving charge not too long ago. And one more time he's gotten out of it and never ceases to amaze me the crap that we get away with. And I know I'm the last person in the world that can help that kid. I can just be an example to him and keep my mouth shut and that's what I try and do.

I have another son who's not an alcoholic and he's not a drug addict like that. He's just goofy as what he is and and I, I love to tell this story because it shows you precisely how my life goes. I got the strangest phone call from a son of mine about 9 years ago in Los Angeles and he said, mom, I'm getting married tomorrow. And I thought getting married tomorrow was a surprise to me, anybody would even have him if you wanna know the truth. And I said, Jeff, why do you call me the day before the wedding?

Expect me to be back in Nebraska. I said, the Pope's in Los Angeles. I gotta find and get a flight out of here. And he said, mom, I don't expect you to come. It's just gonna be a tiny little wedding.

Don't worry about coming. Well, you don't tell people like me that stuff. I want to be there. I was right about that. The planes were just jammed and stuff, and I was just in a twit.

You have no idea. And I talked to my sponsor about it. This is the kind of loving direction I get from my AA sponsor. He said, well, what are you gonna do? Walk?

If you can't go, you can't go. Now shut up about it. I don't wanna hear another word about it. And and and I did. And I talked to my mom the day off the way.

And I said, mom, how'd the wedding go on? She said it was very lovely, but who was that little girl with them? And I said, what little girl? And she said, well, apparently, Jeff's got a 4 year old daughter that you don't know anything about. And I suggest you call your son and talk to him about it.

And I need to tell you guys that I was more than happy to do that. Make no mistake about that. I called Nebraska and I said, Jeff, how'd the wedding go? And he said, it was very nice, mom. And I said, who is that little girl with you guys?

And he said, mom, that's my daughter. And I said, why didn't you tell me that I had a grandbaby? I was so upset with him. Now because I had a grandbaby because I didn't know about it. And he said, mom, I was afraid you get drunk.

And I thought, get drunk? I wouldn't gotten drunk. At least I don't think I would have been. I was on the first scene smoking out of LAX. You can go and meet my little granddaughter.

And I gotta tell you guys, this child is the icing on the cake. She is the apple of my eye. Her name is Brandy. And doesn't that just figure? You know?

I don't even wanna tell you what her middle name is, but I will. Brandy in Alexandria. Can you I said, you named my granddaughter after a drink? No. But anyway, she is the apple of my eye.

And and, and I I flew him out to California to give me a cake at my number 10th a year birthday, and we have a a Saturday night family meeting in Pacific group and people from all over the world come out and give their their family members cakes and stuff. We give medallions here. We give people cakes in Southern California. Anyway, she flew out and and I I was so honored to have her there and stuff. And and she got off that airplane, and I knew I was gonna be in big trouble because this little girl never shuts her mouth for 2 minutes, you guys.

And I'm not used to being around with kids and they drive me crazy real quick. And I said, Brandy, you're be quiet. You're giving me a headache. And she said, grandma, I have a lot to say. And if you don't like it, take some aspirin is what she said to me.

I I think that we have a prospective member of AA on our hands, so I hope I'm wrong about that. I still live in Nebraska 4 years ago in January. I took my second grandchild, a beautiful baby boy, who There's one of my son and his wife. And I gotta tell you guys that tears have graduated on my cheeks because I should not have been standing there. And I stood in Lincoln, Nebraska 3 years ago in January.

I looked at my 3rd grandchild, another beautiful baby boy that was one of my son and his wife, and one more time, the tears were rolling. And I stood in Lincoln, Nebraska last January. I looked at my 4th grandbaby, another beautiful baby boy that was one of the alcoholic son of mine, his wife. And one more time, the tears were rolling. Things in my family are very, very good today.

It is only a direct result of alcohol externals, I can assure you, and it took a long time for it to happen. And in my case, that's a good thing I gotta tell you guys. And I thank you for that as I stand here today. I thank you so much. That is the most precious gift I have gotten out of this program is a relationship with my children.

And at one time, I never thought I would have one, let me tell you. But anyway, you guys, when I was growing up I was a disruptive jerk is what I was. Always in trouble, always in kicked out of classrooms. I hated discipline. I was very very rebellious.

I really hated people telling me what to do and I liked it even less today if you wanna know the truth. And, you know, I never felt like I belonged anywhere and I heard a lot from 8 podiums and I'm right on with that a 125%, I gotta tell you. You know, I really don't remember my first drink, you guys. But I can tell you that I hope to God I never forget my last one and I hope it was my last one. But I knew what alcohol did for me from the very beginning.

It made me feel like I belonged and I could be anything I wanted to be. I could do anything I wanted to do. I drink at any given opportunity after that and I was probably about 13 years old. You know, I realized that I'm an immediate Alcoholics Anonymous this afternoon. I honor that.

I identify myself as an alcoholic from your podium. I used a lot of drugs too. I need to make that a small part of my story. My sponsor encourages me to do that. And, you know, when I was growing up in Nebraska, there just wasn't a hell of a lot of drugs on the street.

But I'll guarantee I found every single one of those drugs and, you know, there is some marijuana and speed and stuff. And today, if you call for possession of marijuana, you get a ticket, big deal. When I was growing up, you went to prison is what happened to you. And that didn't scare me, nothing scared me. I don't think I wasn't supposed to be doing it.

I'm one of these alcoholic females and I hate to say this from an AA podium, but it's precisely the way that it was for me and we're supposed to tell the truth up here. If you pat me on the head, my pants fall off is what happens to me. It doesn't happen anymore. And I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was growing up, let me tell you. I absolutely love men.

I love everything about them. You may have gotten I loved them and then the downfall of my entire existence and they remain the same today. I'm sorry to say. And I particularly like sickening. There's a room full in here today.

I can just feel. That's one thing I love about Southern California, it's got so many sick men and I'm just entertaining around the clock 24 hours a day. And I'm I'm getting age now. Girls with silver hair men start to become very attractive to me, which opens up a whole new ballgame, I gotta tell you. Those young ones are nice girls, but sooner you gotta talk them and they ain't got nothing to say I wanna hear.

I gotta tell you. And, I'm sure I have nothing to say they wanna hear either. But anyway, I gotta tell you guys a funny story of why I think about it here. About 2 years ago, I was in Nashville, Tennessee giving a talk and one of the fine ladies of Nashville, Tennessee walked up to me afterwards, I want, you know, and she says to me, she says, you're disgusting. And she wasn't kidding you guys.

She meant it. And I and I said, lady, from where I come from, being disgusting is a step up, I gotta tell you. Furthermore, if I'd want you to sponsor me, I'd fund a Nashville and ask you. You know, I, I hear some women get this coating, you guys. I wonder if they ever drank.

I really do. I wonder if they do all their drinking. Women and somebody shoots in a keyhole with an eye dropper. You know, I was out there big time. I got myself into a lot of trouble.

I've been taught to share that feeling, Alcoholics Anonymous. And if I offend anybody in this room this afternoon, I would never offend anybody in the program to save my life, I gotta tell you. Besides that, my book tells me the big book about collect anonymous tells me, and this is my favorite part of the book. It says, claim to the thought that in God's hands, your dark past will be the greatest possession that you have. Then it goes on to say, because you can literally divert death and misery for others.

And I found that to be very, very true in my sobriety. And if I offend anybody to get this afternoon, I don't wanna hear about it afterwards either. But anyway, I, I got pregnant when I was 16 years old and I had to get married. And as it must be, I married an alcoholic. But most alcoholic women, I I go for colorful, exciting men that beat the hell, you know, all kinds of stuff.

And he wasn't even a man, you guys. He was only 17 years old and I was 16. I couldn't cook. I couldn't clean. I couldn't take care of a baby nor did I wanna take care of a baby.

And before we knew we had 2 babies to take care of and I quick found out what caused all that and I put a halt halt to it. I'll guarantee you that. And, and that caused me a lot of trouble throughout the years. And as it must be, I married an individual that refused to work, that drank on a daily basis, and just come on beat me up on a daily basis and I had never seen a man hit a woman before in my life, you guys. I'll guarantee you one thing, if my father would have laid one hand on my mother, she'd have knocked him from here to the moon, I gotta tell you.

And and I really hate this guy very, very much, and I'm not blaming him for my disease. So please don't get me wrong. It's just part of my story and I need to share it. And some in that family had to get a job and I didn't finish junior high yet for Christ's sakes. And I found a job as a nurse's aide at the hospital there in Lincoln, and the magic was put in Karen's life.

I literally fell in love with nursing and I made a plan of myself. I would love to go to school and I'd love to become a registered nurse. That's what I would love to do. You know, they said that alcoholics don't have willpower. And I'm here to tell you from this podium that that is a bunch of crap.

I have more willpower than 20 elephants. When I wanna do well, I'm gonna do well. I don't have any willpower as far as my disease goes. When I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it. I went back.

I finished junior high. I finished high school. I went to college full time for 3 years, and I worked full time for 3 years. And I'm talking about 18, 20 hours a day, you guys, and that is hard stuff to do. At the age of 27 years old, I became a registered nurse.

And if you think I'm proud to stand up here this afternoon and tell you that I got jerked in front of the State Board of Nursing Nebraska, and they told me you are disgraced to your profession, you're disgraced to nursing, you're disgraced to medicine, and you're no longer working because we just jerked your nursing license. If you think I'm proud of that, you were sadly wrong. You guys, I love my profession. I really really mean that. And I would never do anything to jeopardize the people that I take care of, the people I work with under ordinary circumstances.

And what I had to tell you there is a story about how I threw it right down the toilet so I could drink. And that is total insanity. It's also called alcoholism. At the age of 27 years old, I went to work in the operating room in Nebraska and I had that job for 19 years. I love working in surgery.

I love taking care of those patients. It's a colorful exciting nursing position and I drank it around with medical people mostly. They were colorful and tense people. They worked hard and they played hard. And I need to tell you that the incidence of alcoholism amongst my profession is tremendously high end.

That would be a lot for your security level if you're gonna have surgery next week. It has to be very, very true. And and those people are so grateful that I'm sober that they can't see straight. And I'm talking about alcoholics is what I'm talking about. I know nothing about social drinking.

I drank and I ran around with drunks is what I did. And at the age of 27 years old, I divorced this man. And girls, I gotta tell you that a whole new world opened up to me and it's called men and alcohol. And I went absolutely hog wild is what I did. I was engaged 8 times during that divorce.

Like, you know, I didn't marry these people. 2 of them died from alcoholism for Christ's sakes. You know, in the big book of Alcoholic Synonymous, it says clearly that we're to tell in the general way that our drinking was like and you're gonna get the general idea real quick of what my drinking was like. You know, I can really tell you about my drinking about 5 seconds plan if you wanna know the truth. Many, many years ago, I was a little concert in Upstate New York called Woodstock And that's exactly what my drinking was like.

It was all about Woodstock, let me tell you. That Woodstock they had last summer was a piece of crap compared to the one I went to. I gotta tell you. I know. I know.

I was up there with a medical team of people who were supposed to be working at this big concert that we're supposed to be doing. They hired about 10 nurses from the Midwest because they thought we'd be more responsible and we were a seedy lot, let me tell you. And, I was the first one to sign up for this event and I found none of the alcoholics to join me. And we made about 80 residents in the East Coast and there we were at Woodstock. And, you know, by the end of that week, we couldn't find narcotics keys.

We couldn't find narcotics. She really probably sold them is what we did. But, you know, I remember very little about it if you wanna know the truth. But I do remember standing in front of the stage the night that Richie Haven sang Freedom and Joe Cochran, Country Joe and Santana, all those groups that I love. You guys, I come from the warren sixties and I love rock and roll, let me tell you.

You know, things have not changed in my life one bit, I gotta tell you. And, you know, I loved Elvis Presley and Janice Joplin was my lady, let me tell you. Wouldn't Janice Joplin have been a fine member of our collection of miss you guys? I mean, really, I I had to hang out with Janice, let me tell you. I had to let Janice sponsor me if you wanna know the truth.

But, anyway, I had the honor of handing her a 5th vodka on stage in Kansas City, Missouri many, many years ago, and I used to think that was a neat thing to do. In retrospect, I can see how sick it was. The woman died from our disease and stuff. But, you you know, when my point I'm trying to make is that drinking at one time was a fun thing for me guys. It'd be a lot of me to stand up and say, not Stephanie, the same thing but that.

But I cannot remember the fun happening of the pain that it caused me. It almost cost me my life. And I'm truly great to stand here 13 years sober, I gotta tell you. And, anyway, that, you know, I like I said, our book talks about what to tell in the general way. And, you know, I love the horse races, tell you everything I'm not supposed to be doing.

I've been to horse races in Omaha, Nebraska with a couple of nurses that I worked with. And and the girls told me, they said, Karen, the horse race had been over with for 3 hours. Rolled the drunkards go back to Lincoln. And I said, well, run along. I met you guys from Council of Vista, Iowa and these guys wanna take me to a party and, by God, I was going.

Like I said, you pat me on the head and I'll follow you anywhere you wanna go and I really can't tell you much about this party. You know, the guys that I was with, I just know that I woke up up out of a blackout on highway 2 by Paul Minor, Nebraska. I'm gonna be a town of about 200 people, and I found out something very interesting I know about Paul Minor, Nebraska that they take a dim view and naked women walking on their highways. I found that out. And and there I was at 2 o'clock in the morning walking stark naked down the highway, my high heels carrying my purse, and it was February in Nebraska.

It's a tad bit nippy out there in February in Nebraska to be doing that. Today, I know why ducks' feathers freeze. I can tell you that. And, and of all the luck, the first person I ran to was a highway patrolman. You know, in Nebraska.

The cops traveled by themselves. They don't have a partner. In California, a little bit smarter than that. And this guy stops his squad car and he rolls down his window. He turns on his siren and he looked at me and he said, what are you doing?

And I thought, well, that's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard anybody say. It's quite obvious what I was doing it. He said, lady, you sit get in a squad car and you sit down and don't you touch me. Well, you know, one thing about a person like myself, every time I'm in trouble, I'll do one thing more to it worse every single time. I looked this cop and I said I'm not getting your squad car because you might try and rape me.

He said, lady, I wouldn't bet any money on it. You are absolutely disgusting as what you are. And I'm here to tell you guys that that made me matter. And then it was going on to show you how sick I was and getting a matron out from Paul Maron, Nebraska City Jail to come out there and get me. And that woman was not pleased, I will guarantee you.

They were very busy at night at downtown jail. I'd have time for this foolishness. And I went downtown, booked in that cop's raincoat. You know, cops keep raincoats and trunks of the car for these occasions. And I went downtown, booked for indecent exposure for assault and battery, for kicking his windshield, for hitting her, for hitting him, all the delightful antics that we posed with as practicing alcoholics.

And I will never forget how humiliating it was to be in that courtroom. The very next morning, when my brother-in-law, the public defender in Lincoln, Nebraska, who was working in Paul Meyer that I didn't know I didn't know I was there, came walking up to me and he said, Karen, have you lost your marbles or what? Why did you do something like this? And you guys, I looked at my brother-in-law. I was to say this to many many people in my drinking career in many many courtrooms.

I said, oh, for Christ's sakes, dentists could happen to anybody. You know, and we all know better than that. And that cost me about $3,000 to get out of that and I just shirt it off like it was no big deal. You're gonna drink these things. It's gonna happen to you.

So what? You know, I will never forgive what it felt like to wake up in the very hospital that I worked at in the operating room there. One more time I've been to horse races. One more time coming out of the blackout in their emergency room. You know, for a number of years, I thought the horse faces were my problem.

It certainly was not my drinking. I'm one of these alcoholic females with a big mouth when I drink, let me tell you. And I have a big mouth in sobriety, but I can tell you the pain is the future here. It's getting a lot better. And I'd smart up some guy with that horse race track and he belled at me right in the teeth is what he did.

And a plastic surgeon was putting 18 stitches in my mouth. And I'll never forget what this doctor said to me. As long as I live, I'll never forget this. He said, Karen, we love you so much. What is wrong with you?

You are such a good nurse and stuff. We think you're an alcoholic. Let's send you to a treatment center, get his drinking problem taken care of, see what we can get on with your life here. And you guys, I could not believe the audacious man had to even say that to me. And I said just fix my lip and get out of my face.

I'll drink if I wanna drink. And that's exactly what I did. And the drunk driving charges and the bad checks, all the stuff that we eventually do. My kids were in trouble. I never could marry these guys.

I was engaged so they kept dying from alcoholism and and I thought to myself, I need to get married to my ex husband again. That's what I need to do. The kids need their father. Besides, I need to get even with him for all the things that he's done to me. And those are not very good reasons to get married again.

I gotta tell you, I'm not proud as I stand here today. You know, if anybody in this room is thinking about getting married to the same person twice, don't do it. You're gonna be sorry. But the only way I can describe it is like taking a bite of the same turd twice, if you will. Sorry, but that's the way I feel.

And, I danced that man through through the most miserable years of his life on the face of this earth, and and I love to tell you guys this story I'm about ready to tell you. And my sponsor always tells me that is not funny, and you should be not telling that from AA podiums. And I said, okay, Clancy. I won't tell anymore. He said, no.

Go ahead and tell it. And that those people see how sick you really were and, and apparently, how sick you really still are. And I'm still sick and I still think it's funny and I'm telling the story. When I married him again, I told him, I said, if you ever hit me again, buddy, I'm gonna kill you the next time you hit me. He said, I'll never hit you again ever.

And I said, you better see that you don't. And he lied is what he did. He came home drunk one night and I happen to be sober this night for some reason and I'll never know why because I usually wasn't. And girls, you know what guys do when they come home drunk. They wanna take you to bed and stuff, and I was not buying it.

There's anything I can't stand that some drunk man mauling me when I'm sobering. I will say that when the shoes on the other foot though, it's fine with me. And I don't know. And that guy came home and indicated that to me. And I said, you get your hands off me me and leave me alone.

I wanted nothing to do with him, period. And he broke my arm is what he did. And I'm here to tell you guys that I was pissed. Make no mistake about that. As a matter of fact, I'm still pissed about it if he wanna know the truth.

And and I told him, I said, you go to sleep in that couch and so help me God, when you wake up, you're gonna wish you'd never been born. He sat up for hours, you guys, and his eyes pried open and and as it must be, he finally passed out. And I started drinking martinis and this is a classic example of what alcohol did for me. Alcohol told me what to do. I didn't tell it what you're doing.

I had about 8, 10 martinis and I was feeling no pain, I gotta tell you. And I was sitting there watching this guy. And I hate to tell you what this man was doing, but I can't tell you the story unless I tell you what he was doing. He was laying on the couch playing with himself. And I thought, you disgusting man, you make me sick to my stomach.

And the more I drink, the matter I've gotten. You guys, you know, I'm a nurse and I'm very familiar with male anatomy. And, I'd be very familiar with male anatomy if I weren't a nurse, you know, but anyway, I I thought to myself, what can I do to get even to this guy for all the things that he's done to me? Yeah. That's one thing that we should never do is drink and think at the same time, I gotta tell you.

You know, I came up with this beautiful idea in my drunken stupor, and this is about 22 years ago, you guys, when superglue first came out. And superglue is powerful stuff. Missus Bobbitt has nothing on me, let me tell you. I was a a I was a forerunner before she ever got started. And I knew that stuff went very, very well because my kids are flashing in the house that wasn't moving.

And I got that superglue and I read the directions on that superglue. And like I said, I was drunk and I wasn't seeing very clearly. And what I thought those directions said were, if this hits human skin, you would love them in 15 hours. Now why would it say something stupid like that? What it said was, in fact, if this hits human skin, you've been left in 5 minutes is what it said.

And I went over this guy and I poured super glue all over this guy's groin and, I mean, everywhere. There was not There there was not one place this man did not have superglue and I laughed about it and I went to bed. And, I woke up in the morning to screams of horror like you cannot even believe it. You know, I did not mean to hurt this guy as bad as I did and I swear to God that's true, but I'll tell you what happened to my ex husband. This guy never had the advantage of being circumcised when he was born and now he clearly was.

I can tell you that. You know, we had a we had a telephone by our bedroom, our bedroom there in Lincoln. He called the cops. The police dropped from our home. There's sirens going.

There's an ambulance out there. The neighbors were blocking out of their windows. And you know what thing you guys gotta keep in mind here, they do not think that things like this happen in Lincoln, Nebraska. In California, it wouldn't surprise me one bit, but certainly not there. And And the cops were laughing, which led me the whole thing was funny.

And they said, lady, are you crazy or what? Why would you do something like this? And you guys, I used to go look at those cops and I said, what makes you think that I did it anyway? I was only standing with glue on my hands for Christ's sakes and and they said, you're under arrest for assault and battery. And I said, you cannot arrest wives in Nebraska for assault and battery against their husbands.

I knew better than that. And 2 days later, I got out of jail. I guess I didn't know better than that. They took that man to very hospital that I worked at in surgery and he had to have surgery. And one more time, the host staff saw what Karen did and they took me to jail, I might add, and it turned out to be a terrible terrible thing.

Those doctors there in Lincoln couldn't get that glue off and they had to get 2 surgeons down from Creighton University Medical School in Omaha, Nebraska to get that glue off and there's a paper in about that at Creighton and they met his friends thinking about going to medical school where you can read about it if you want to. I'd always wanted a paper in the gun but not like this I gotta tell you. And I was sitting in that jail thinking to myself, I am getting the hell out of this marriage because when this guy comes home from the hospital, he's gonna goo something to mind shut and he would have too, I gotta tell you. And, God only knows I couldn't have that happen. And, I know.

And I divorced that man one more time. And, you know, you guys on the brighter side isn't here this afternoon. Alcoholics Anonymous really does work because we have an immense step in this program. And my sponsor may be on an airplane and fly to Sacramento, California and they commenced to my ex husband where he currently is with his new wife and stuff. And I tried to tell my sponsor, I'm not sorry that I did that.