Comox AA Rally in British Columbia, Canada

A friend of mine that I met when I first moved out here, Pat Kaye back there, gave me some tapes and, a couple of them happened to be of this man here. And it would be easy for me to say that, I've listened to a lot of people talking in the time that I've been in, and it's a personal thing for me, but, and everybody hears things differently, but what I heard and there was exactly what I needed to hear. And, you know, it changed my life for the better. And, I have since, you know, I've come to believe in in the AA program and in the way of its simplicity and of its, to try to keep it pure, and the message to be pure. And so when I hear that, it's what I need to hear.

And, I am, you know, absolutely thrilled. I mean, I I'm not really a hero worshiper, but, and I don't have any real heroes, but, the the message that this man carries is important to me. And, I've always been told that, you know, God uses our voice box to to deliver bits and pieces of his message, and I guess that's the way I see it too. And, without any further ado, I'd like to introduce you to father Vaughn Kyu from Toronto. Everybody up.

Stand up, please. Everybody up. Put your hands over your head. Now just turn around and yell. Shake it a bit.

Do you know does anybody know how to do this stuff? You know how to move the macarina? Well, we'll do it together later. Okay? Now that you've made sufficient fools of yourselves, sit down.

The sun may kiss the clear blue sky and the rose may kiss the butterfly. The morning dew may kiss the grass and you my friends, I consider class. K. My name is it's already been said as father Vaughn and whatever the last name is, Quinn or q or whatever it is. And I am an alcoholic, and that's why I am here.

And it certainly is a great privilege to be here. This is the 46th anniversary, and and it's always something about, life. And it's about, freedom. And that's what we'll work on, the archway to freedom, and all about recovery, and all about the gifts which, which we have received. As you can see by, this rented suit that, says if not back by 9 o'clock tomorrow morning, you know, next to.

In fact, you know, I'm the only Catholic priest that's really and there's young children here, so I will be very careful. Annoyed at the pope. Sometimes I say a different word but when there's ladies and young children I I clean it up a bit and this guy's taping me anyway. And and so, really annoyed at the pope because when I was ordained everything everything was in latin. And by the people in the parish at Saint Joseph's church in Ottawa, what a holy little priest we got.

Right? Oh, and they thought it was great. And then they went and they changed the darn language to the vernacular, which means now we have to celebrate mass in English. Nobody knew I had a drinking problem until I celebrated mass in English. And, that's when they said, oh gee, he's not holy spit.

He's stoned, you know. Now, who's laughing here? I'm not gonna bore you with a drunkologue because I wouldn't tell you the whole truth anyway. You know? The the only things we remember are the glorious things and the funny things and the funny hahas.

We don't tell you all of the the real tragedies and the the the real anguish we went through. But I just run through that. I have to what alcoholism is is a conflict between behavior and values in the drinker. A measurable, documentable, verifiable, observable, behavioral conflict. What's going on in the drinker's life as to what his real values are.

Now, I was born in Montreal, and I had a perfectly normal childhood for 32 years. I grew up on top of Westmount Mountain and in Littleroy, Fauntleroy. I lived in a house that had that one time 7 servants in it. And and as as I'll refer to Chuck last night, who talked a magnificent talk last night because so many things he said rung my bell. But I defied everything that that stood for.

And I ended up boxing at Point St. Charles and Golden Glove, and and and I end up, you know, playing with the Verdun Shamcats owned by the Calgary Stampeders. And and, you know, alcoholics like to be in the number one limelight. Where in Montreal do you think is the most prestigious group that you can possibly belong to at that time? It doesn't exist right now.

I'm sorry to say. The Montreal Canadians. And there's only one position on the team that gets all the glory, and that's the goaltender. And so that's what I pursued until the time that I was, 21, then I went to medical school. As you know, as some of you know, I'm still the gold tender with the flying father hockey team, that infamous band of brain damage, loose loafer, 1 foot on a curve, nobody's elevator going to the top floor, priest to bar store in the country to play hockey.

I have been their goaltender for 22 full seasons. I have not seen the puck for the last 9 seasons. I listen for it. The guys keep yelling at me, Quinty, get up. Quinty, I said I'm trying to get up.

Please, get up. Get up. Get up. But I would like to report that the last 800 games, we have won 800. And there is a very, holy reason why we won 800, we cheat like hell.

Like I just finished the tour in the East Coast, I was playing in the for the men of Miramichi. At 20, I finished with the Montreal, I I was at the Montreal Canadians, at the Junior Canadians, and then, when the pros left town, I was able to go with the or when Jacques Plant left town because he played with Montreal Royals, I was able to go up with the Canadians. And that was, you know, just oh my gosh. Chuck was mentioning something last night that first drinks. I can remember, you know, at 17 years old, you know, talking about what type of impression does alcohol make in our brains, right?

And I was sitting, and at that time, it was 40¢ for a court of mother motion's cure all. I was in the Kent tavern, and I was with Morris Richard, Elmer Lack, Ray Getliffe, Kenny Reardon, and and the goaltender Jerry McNeil. I mean, and this is the messianic era. I mean, what more do you need? You know, a little guy from rich Montreal is sitting there with a, you know, my God, this is like having it made.

You do not need anything else. This is the greatest euphoric experience in the world, and I pursued that. My father was a very renowned physician in Montreal at Saint Mary's Hospital, and, I went to visit him when he was having his appendix out and he said, well, Butch, what are you gonna do? Stop pucks all your life or do you wanna be a doctor? I said, I'll be a doctor.

Within 3 weeks, I was in medical school. Now, I hadn't passed an exam in 8 years. I stayed in high school until I could play my last hockey game. I was in high school for 8 years. One of those years my dad said to me, Butch, you passed your exams and said, knock them for a loop.

He says, go get a car. In 1951, you people can't remember that, that's so long ago, I had a brand new red Ford convertible. God was it glorious. Right? And I mean I was the hit of the whole city with that mobile personality, and oh fantastic.

And I went out to Oka, the Trappist monastery, and prayed for a miracle. And then the report card came home. I got 18 out of a 100 in algebra. Grand total of a percent was 38. I lost the car.

I also had to change schools for the next I always did that. So I went to Catholic high and I got 6 scholarships to play hockey in the states, but I never passed the exams. So I went to medical school, and that was a lark. And, I was there for 3 years. Flunked most of the exams, but then I finally ended up, passing them all, at at the end.

But it got very boring because all of the guys in the medical school, all they wanted to do was marry rich women and make a lot of money. And I had come from that background, and it was boring. Boring as hell. So there I was at 23 years old, and I couldn't find anybody to live with me, so I picked on the Oblate Fathers. And that's after my name, and you got Oblate OMI.

I've just found out what it really means is one more idiot. Right? And I joined in in you had to go to. Some of you referred to, and and that's where our novitiate was. And so for the next 7 years, I'd never took a drink.

Not because of any control, not because of of any any, you know, it's just there was no booze. I mean, jeez, when could you drink? You got up at 5 o'clock in the morning, you had to pray 5 hours a day, and you did that up until the 18th May. And then you went to what we call The Rock, Wapu's Island out in the middle of Lake Ontario, and you pitched 30,000 bales of hay, filled 4 silos, and fed 500 head of cattle. And what the Sam Hill had to do with building God's kingdom?

I don't know, but that all sucked in. I did that for 7 years, right? When you look, the guys look at The guys have brightened up. They, you know, they they've woken up to that scam and they don't buy into it anymore. So they don't go have to pitch bales.

And you swear to God there was a Volkswagen in every bale of hay after the 10,000 one. Right? But you know, it was the the deal was then, if you want to get ordained, just shut up and do it. You know, I mean in Latin it's medium. If you want to get to the end, go through it, you know.

And that's what it was. And there was an Irish Catholic, in case you haven't figured that out. And and, there's something about Irish Catholics that's got a You know what the heresy of Jansenism is? The more miserable you are, the closer you are to God. Right?

So if you're really hurting, you really think you're holy. Right? And if you're really miserable, you must really be a saint. Well, that's kind of the the theory we went through. You know, the harder they can make it on you, the holier we're supposed to be getting.

Anyway, but there was an element of what was going on at the whole time that we're in this is is high high competition, which is not the spiritual life. We'll talk about that, but the spiritual life is a life of grace, it's a life of gifts, fruitfulness, and not competition. But I was an alcoholic, still not drinking, but it was competition. And it was the same competition that would keep me practicing every day. I I can remember practicing with the Montreal Canadians in the Montreal Forum and then going on an outdoor rink until nightfall with kids, you know, and everybody, and just that compulsive activity to be number 1.

You always wanted to be number 1, and then you had all the anxiety of fear that someone's going to come and knock you out of position of being number 1. And so that, you know, all that fun stuff that we always got into. Well now I've been in this house of studies of Pontifical Institute, University of Ottawa, Saint Paul's. That's Latin for smart ass. But that was the name of the building.

And and so I'm competing now with all these guys from Rome, and from, Belgium, and Ireland, and oh my god, I'm gonna show them so we compete. Same thing came out number 1. In 1963, I was called to ordination in Montreal. It was one of the biggest parties that Montreal had seen in a long time because I, you know, I I had 7 degrees by that time. I don't know all these.

I got so many, I got, but not the important. I'll talk to you about the important degree, but I by this time I had gone through science, I had gone through medical school, I had gone through philosophy, I had gone through theology, and now, I had known pretty good. You know, I studied a lot, and I kind of believe that Jesus did a sort of half ass job, and he walked on the face of the Earth. But the real promised Messiah was just returning to his people. And there I blew into Montreal.

Being a holy, oblique priest, which means, religious congregation with the vows of poverty, chastity, obedience, and perseverance, I have to ask for permissions. That's What's the first permission I asked for? Can I smoke? Can I drink? Poor father, you know.

I used the provincial. Right? And he said, yes, father, you may. So I returned to Montreal and, you know, big parties. I remember my father had died by that time, so they called me to Saint Mary's Hospital.

Jack Quinn's son's a priest. Wow. Wait. He's gotta come to the hospital and say mass for his father. Oh, yeah.

And everybody shows up. 5000 none show up. Oh my god. Bishop showed up, everybody showed up, Bishop Carter showed up, everybody. And you know what, that day I got for presents 19 black umbrellas.

What the hell you do with 19 black umbrellas? Well, what would you give a priest? You know what I did? I took them to Henry Burkes, cashed them in, they gave me a slip for $325. I took them to my mother, Elaine Lafleme.

I said, buy this. She did. I went and bought skis. So we have this big party, you know, at at at you know, and in those days, when you were newly ordained, everybody used to kiss your anointed hands, you know, it was very sloppy, like my Saint Bernard dogs drool all over the place. The next night, Martha has a party for me.

Much my baby sister, Martha. I can't tell you her age, but I'm 63 and she's 2 years younger than me. Right? This woman's fantastic, and she'll be in Toronto next week to plant my garden, wash my clothes, you know, wash the car, do everything, you know. Ed Ed, well, she dresses me.

Everything. She's like, can't stand to see grubby looking priest. Anyway, she makes me look like I'm totally paralyzed and brain damaged, but So she has this party and she's saying, you know, everybody's having a drink. My mother's there. My mother's a widow now by about 12 years, and and she's there, and everybody's there.

And they're saying, so we have another drink. She said, oh, no. George hasn't finished. I said, well, what the hell does George come to this party for? Sip.

Sip. Sip. Sip. This is ridiculous. I haven't had anything for 7 years.

I got a So I volunteered to be bartender. You know? Because I'm a missionary oblate, and I can adapt to human conditions, and everything that's required upon me, and I do. Out of generosity to help the people that are there, of course, you understand that. Mother says, son, are we going I I wanna go home.

Take me home, please. Now, but, you know, people are very indulgent to please someone had given me a brand new Bob gave me a brand new Oldsmobile 98 to use in my holidays. So I drive mother home and she says, son, how are you gonna come in? Mother, a priest is never ordained for his own sanctification, but to build the kingdom of God, to preach the good news, Leban, I was thirsty. And I just been to this sip sip sip party, and I knew where the real professional drinkers were.

So I said, mom, I can't come in right now. I gotta be above my And I take off, and I'm from Montreal, and I'm going out to the DeCarri Boulevard, and I come in front of my old hangout Ruby Foos, and the parking lot is full of cars. And all the lights are on, and the doorman's there, and it's twinkling all over. I'm thirsty. And I said, my God, there's a communistic infiltration movement going on in there.

I better get in there and exercise the devil out of those. I see, I was thirsty. Because I had another 20 minutes to get to the party. And so I said, okay, I'm going in. Now, I'm dressed like this in my Petey the priest uniform.

And I'm in a Quebec province, all Catholics, but very anti clerical. They won't appreciate me looking like this, but being an oblate father, that's, trained to adopt to every type of human condition, possibly. So click, it's gone. That's all I'm taking off kid. And the loose flowing, a sports shirt appears.

And I go in and being a shy introverted guy, it took about 18 seconds to get something going. I knew the bartenders and all of that type of stuff. And the next thing I know, the next thing I know, the light's very hard on my eyes. I'm going, oh, my gosh, you know? What's this bright light on my eye?

So I open up one eye. Hospital? Hospital? Sweet Jesus where am I? Now let me see, the last church I was in was Rubyfus.

No? Yeah. Okay. Now the nearest hospital to Ruby Foos is, Notre Dame de Grasse. Oh, good.

So all I could hear the nurse saying was, father don't swear. So I finally mustered up enough courage, I said, nurse, what hospital am I in? And she said, Saint Mary's hospital father, where I was less than 48 hours before blessing everybody. Zapping them with grace. Kissing my anointed hands.

Oh, my head. What the Sam Hill is wrong? And I said you got 18 stitches in your head. I didn't know that happened. But I did say to her, I said, oh my gosh, the car.

You know, that sweet Jesus, where's the car? I said, can you phone that last church I was in? And she did, and she said, yeah, there's a car there with some funny clothes in it. It's this bib we wear. Right?

It It was on the front seat. So I had the action part of the program, and I got out of there quick. Fast as I could, continued to started the party, continued the party. I was a day late, didn't make any difference to me, you know, as long as there was booze there, there was a party. And as we got drinking into the party, you know, the spirits loosened the tongue, and we called Ruby Foods nightclub.

And what I had performed was one of the Winnipeg Ballet's most intricate pirouette steps down the front staircase, head first, out the front door, the front door was closed. Thus, 18 stitches in my head. Now I'm the youngest Oblate priest in the congregation of Oblates in that district which is Saint Peter's in Ottawa, there's 90 of us. And I go to my first job. And my first job I have to comb my hair in a funny way so they won't see the 18 stitches.

Right? And I'm sent to Saint Joseph's Church in Ottawa, where I was in medical school, where I was the city goaltender for the junior team there, where I did and my gosh, this is 7 years later. All the guys I drank with playing football and for Ottawa UGGs and and the hockey team, the the city team, they're all there. And they're all married. And they're all tired of this 7 year itch, You know?

Babies, diapers, and all of this type of stuff. And I show up on the scene, and oh my God, they got that, that was magnificent. Because now they had an excuse, don't get rid of me honey, don't get married to me darling, I'm with the priest last night, you know. The honest to goodness truth work, I got paid $10 a month. And drank every day.

Because they were, come on, Quinique, let's go, let's have a little drink. Alright? And so I knew where to go to. I mean, I remember going into a house once and to visit and the people said, well, we know Catholic priests don't drink, so what would you like, Coca Cola or Ginger Ale? I said, oh, no, mister Smith.

I said, you don't realize Brown's in the hospital, like I mean, I just came in here and say, oh god, done. I was gone. There was nobody in the hospital, I don't know, they're not gonna stand around there. That lasted for 300 days, And on the 302nd day, father Cousino called me into his office. Father Cousino is the provincial, that means he has domestic jurisdiction over me, that means, if he says, that's where I was supposed to go.

Now that's authority, you know, big time. So I'm called in, it was June 16, 1964, and I walk in, I'm all cleaned up, and and I've got my rosary beads here, and my bravery here, and boy, I'm looking good, and he says, father, father Quinn I'm so tired. I'm so scared I don't want to even pick up the newspaper because if I read the newspaper I'll read about you, and he will. Because I was getting in fights all the time, you know. You know the little 118 pound 5 foot 6 guy that's continually gonna kick the bejabers out of the £300 Bart, that's me.

Right? Always get in a fight. And I was the golden glock and and and so and then so he picked up and for 25 minutes he read because all those guys that I've been playing football with 7 years before in hockey went to him and said you gotta do something. You don't know it because you know what happens in Ottawa, you got skiing in Hull. So I would go night skiing every night.

Right? And I press ski, what are you gonna do? Right? A little so I would get in the bars again. And so he read this thing, and he was perspiring, and his heart was going.

I thought he's gonna pass out. And he talked for 25 minutes. And you know what I said at the end of 25 minutes, is that all he knows? You're going away, thank God I'm going away father, thank you for the obedience, I'm so You're going to Chicago, Fantastic. I love Chicago.

It's a swinging city. That's really great. Father schrader flies with you. Uh-oh, bodyguard. June 18th, I was flown to Chicago under bodyguard.

Met at the airport with funny looking machine, more bodyguards dragged off too. Our Lady of Mercy Hospital Dyer, Indiana, A Twitch farm. And so there I walk in, you know, I still don't know what's happening. I'm on the carpet, I'm all dressed up like this, and and and and so, you know, and now I and I had been visiting jails, and so they said, follow me. So I'm off the carpet.

I'm on the load, and now I'm on the cement. And I started hearing clang, clang, clang, clang. And I said, oh, I've heard that sign before, you know. And boom. Now, as you can see, I'm a Roman Catholic priest.

And all I see are souls. This very well endowed soul. Felicity. She played defensive end with the Chicago Bears for 9 years. Came in the room, and I and it was so because when when when Chuck said last night, I'm tired of people asking for my belt.

She said, suit prayer book, belt, shoelaces, shoes, because, you know, that was it. And I said, my God, it's warm. Do you think we could open the window? She says, I'll go get the crank. I said, my God, I'm locked up.

She said, yes, you are, father. So there he was, God's gift to Christendom from high society, Montreal, Canadians, all of these degrees after my name, and there I was in the nuthouse. And they issued me my uniform. I got a uniform more than you got. One of those hospital honeymoon jackets that doesn't close.

And you have to walk this way all the time with your back against the wall so you won't be smiling at people. Right? With little paper shoes with my number on them. And they'd let you shave and they'd give you the razor, and if you wanted to change the blade you need a black and Decker drill. Because they didn't want just lashing your wrists.

Well, this is fun. I'll be out of here in 5 days. 4 months later, Felicity came to me. Oh actually no. A week later she said to me, the doctor wants you to go to that AA meeting Monday night.

I said, with the holy oils of ordination hardly drying my hands, I'll eat you. You want me to go to those bunch of drunks again? I said, Felicity, you've had a nervous breakdown. Go upstairs, get some shock treatment. Like the rest of the guys around here, so I think you're having a breakdown.

But being a con artist I said, will that help me get out of the hospital? She said, yes it is, I'll go. So away we go, Monday night, June 22nd. I'll never forget it. I walk in, and I'm not like this, of course, you know, I have a big discussion.

Am I going or am I going in my Mufti? Mufti, that means sports clothes, right? And so, this idiot, Frank, I'll never forget him. I have horses, you look like my horse, big teeth. He's smiling at me and saying, glad to see you.

Smiling. He doesn't realize the whole Catholic church is already in a horrible crisis here because I'm in locked up. And he's smiling. And I said, I'm Von, and I coughed over the the father part, and so I sat down. That was a closed I didn't know where I was, the closed meeting.

I'm an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic, everybody was coming around the table. Pressure's on kid. What do you do when the pressure's on? You join. I'm not gonna say I don't belong here.

I mean, I gotta get out of this hospital. I got 4 more days to be here. Boom boom. I'm an alcoholic, so it comes to me, I'm an alcoholic too. Okay, fine.

Boom. So now they had this little priest, you know, who talked fast. When we before I was mature, I used to talk fast. And I used to say funny things like out, about, and house, and They didn't they didn't talk that way in Chicago. And so, you know, all of a sudden I'm giving AA talks all over the place.

I don't know what the same hell I'm talking about. Somebody gives me a big book, not this one, this is a new one. And and and and they say read this. And I say, read this, I got degrees in epistemology and ontology, I don't need that stuff, I said get out of here. All the alky's in that hospital stayed there 14 days.

6 months later, I'm still there. And they're bringing the guys back in. I mean, we all knew each other by first name. Ralphie had been in there four times. Right?

So they're carrying Ralphie back in. Ralphie comes back and he goes, Queenie, you're still here. You really must be sick. So I pick up the book. There's gotta be something in there, how to get discharged from the Twitch farm.

How do you get out of the nut house? Gotta be here someplace. Wasn't a bad book. After I started reading it, I rewrote it. Alright.

That's pretty good. Straighten it out a little bit. 57 weeks later, I went home, to Edmonton with, was sweet honest when I got hooked up with George Strachan. But I did my time then I went to guest house which was a positive place for Catholic priests and brothers, and I was the youngest priest that had ever been nailed for Boozology since Jesus walked on the face of this earth. And so they really, they kind of gave me the best treatment they possibly could.

I mean, they worked on me from day to, You know, the old No. All the priests at that time in in their best sobriety, their best honesty would say they had 15 years of problem drinking. They're lying like carpets, it was more like 30 but they wouldn't admit it, right? And and so the youngest guy to me in age was like 22 years older than me. So the priest used to go, well, what a team meeting are you going to, you know.

And they worked on me, and, finally, made all kinds of arrangements and I was sent to Edmonton, Alberta with the stipulation that for the next 2 years, you'll be back here twice a year to check on you, to make sure your batteries are charged, and that you're still doing what you have to do, and that you're still going to AA, and that you're, you know, these type of things. And I did go back and one of those was in June of 1967, and mister Ripley not a priest, the director of the place who I'll talk about later, you know, said I want you to go down down Detroit, They're trying to start something, the city is burning down, and and they're trying to start something for, for some, disaffiliated men. You'll never hear me use any other words, and so I did. And on June 16, 1967, I met 4 of the greatest men I've ever met in my life, and believe me I've met tons of people in my life. I met Seymour, the mayor of Michigan Avenue, and paratrooper Jack, and we broke into a building together that nobody had ever been in for 4 years, we stole picture frames that night, sold them for dinner, and these guys were drinking, Stearnol, can't eat, AquaVulva, Vitalis, Yardley shaving cream, nail polish remover, car ready freeze, all likes, paint thinner, a 1, or is driven, what's the word, thunderbird, what's the price, 44 twice, what's the reason grapes isn't seasoned, who likes it most, we inner city folk.

And that that night that night, one guy was seeing pink polka dotted alligators and turkeys with straw hats coming down the main aisle. The other guy was said, move over father, the train's coming over this side of the dormitory, and another guy was bleeding, you know, I'd slashed his wrist and so I thought, you know, I just finished 3 months of training in a medical school, hand saliers experimental surgery in Montreal. This was exciting. So I wrote the same father superior 3 months later. After I'd say for 3 months, I said dear father superior, same guy locked me up.

I did hated his guts, I wouldn't talk to him. And I said, funny thing happened, you sent me to Chicago again but I never got there, I'm in Detroit and that was the beginning of Sacred Heart Center where I stayed for the next 20 years and I think 24 the penitentiary systems in Canada and then now in Toronto. The penitentiary systems in Canada and then now in Toronto. So what we wanna do now is talk about the archway to freedom. What I say now is is applies to everybody.

It applies certainly to the AA members, certainly, you know, to all of the Al Anon people, you know, because it takes a a smart woman to see through her husband, but a good woman to see her husband through. And all of the and families and whatever, because I'm going to talk about life, and I'm going to talk about saying yes to life, and I'm going to talk about grace, and I'm going to talk about God, and I'm gonna talk about joy, and I'm gonna talk about laughter, and I'm gonna talk about being alive. Because that's what the AA program is. This book it tells you is not a course on alcoholism, but it is a way of life. Right?

What are you laughing at? If you knew these pages, that's what we'll talk about. Right? And in all of these years, you know, that that I've been doing this now since 64, you know, tons of people have come to me and said, father, I'm half in the bag. I can't understand how I got back to drinking.

I was the best 12 stripper in my group and I had a slip. I say, what's the 12 step? And he says, work with other drunks. I say, no, it's not. What's the 12th step?

I'll save another alcoholic. They say, no, it's not. What's the 12th step? Rescuing other no, it's not. I said where is your big book?

Oh, father, I like big book, I gave it to my 1st pigeon 8 years ago, he needed it more than I did. So I said, well let's get the big book out. So we do. Hate these glasses. In Detroit, once I was doing a connected wedding, if you know what that means, mafia.

Right? And I put these glasses on, the lady says to me, oh no, fuck it. I know exactly who you look alike. You look like a George Burns. At that time, he was 98 years old.

I hit her. So if you see a little Italian lady, about 82 years old, a black eye, I gave it to her. Right? I say, get the big book. Let's read the big the 12 step.

Page 62, having had a spiritual I says, there you go. You're a priest and you ministers and everybody like that. All you do is you're talk talking to me this God stuff. And if I hear any more about this God stuff in AA, I'm out the door and I don't want any of this type of stuff. And I looked all over for spiritual awakening, and I didn't see it.

And he's, I looked all over for God. All I could see was little green men and more pink polka dotted alligators and turkeys with straw hats. I said, well, what is the spiritual experience? I said, turn to page 579. Page 569.

That's my address in Detroit. I said, there it is. An education process. William James, the father of American psychology, right there. An education process from the Latin word, educare, to lead out of a person.

A hierarchy of values that were once there, but have gone dead, dormant, asleep, and no more because of the progression of the disease of alcoholism. What am I talking about? Joy, enthusiasm, self esteem, self respect, being caught in in in the stream of life, being alive, laughter. You know that laughter is one of the proofs of the visible visibility of the soul. Risibility means capacity to laugh.

Risibility of the soul risibility is one of the proofs of the spirituality of the soul. You know if you can't laugh, you're dead. And before we came into AA and Al Anon, we didn't laugh. We snickered at people, you know. Told you so.

You know? No joy. And all of a sudden we're in AA and Al Anon for about 6 months and somebody says stuff, we go, oh. Oh. Now what's wrong?

First time he's laughed in 14 years, just sprained his back. Call a doctor. My back. So we want to talk about, you know, where's the joy? Now, I'm going to get down to serious business.

The fellowship of alcoholics is very, very, very important. The first word of the steps as you all know is we. Got it? Right? Read them.

There's 213 words in those steps. You wanna check me up on it? It's we. Nobody can get well alone. Nobody can stay well alone, no matter how much we know about it.

God, I could talk to you for 6 hours what happens when the morning is oxidized, and everything gets ingested in your liver has extraordinary compound of alcohol dehydrogenase which causes the oxidation of alcohol down acetaldehyde, acid, calcium carbon dioxide, water which causes the microlondine in the sugar you live producing norepinephrine. That's not what gets us sober, and that's not what keeps us sober. No. So that fellowship is important. You've got to stay connected on a regular basis, every week, minimum.

But the fellowship is not going to bring about the psychic change which you need, the conversion which you need, the transformation which you need, the metanoia which we all need in AA, in Al Anon, which goes from negative to positive, which goes from the book 12 steps in 12 traditions profile of a drinking alcoholic and Al Anon person is worry, anger, self pity, depression. Not exactly an archway to freedom. And that has to be changed into what we've talked about since I've been here. The promises page 83, 84, freedom, happiness, peace, serenity, or just 4. That does not happen by just saying, well, I went to AA and it didn't work.

I mean, I tried AA and it didn't work for me. Well what did you do? Well I went to meetings and I sat there. And I drank coffee and ate a hard donut, and sit in a small filled room, and smoke filled room, and I and I listened to drunk logs, and nothing happened. That's not what the commitment to the program is in AA or Al Anon.

It's the internalization of the steps. Basic, basic truths. There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. But God, we know. We know that.

And so we have to we know we we we've tried. We know that. You know darn well if if, you know, one of you won the lottery tonight, you'd blow it away in no time. Easy come, easy go. Right?

The only things that are of value to any of us in life are those things we sweat it for with pain. The greatest gift that God gave us is pain. However, jeez. Chuck was saying that right. We had all those things.

Oh, you're in a pro dressing rooms. I was there. Who needs this? You know? I mean, you just tell us we have to do something, we're gonna say the heck of you.

We're not gonna do it. No way. No one's going away. We're the type of people that'll buy tickets to a great great musical Broadway show that's coming to town 6 months ahead. Pay $200 a ticket, you know, brag about it for 6 months.

The night comes to go to the show and we say shit, no one's gonna make me go to that. And so we start saying what is it? How's it come about? It comes about through the internalization of the steps which are the ways to freedom. This is not a What was that funny word I used?

You know, Jansenism. This is not a program of moral rearmament where we go around telling each other how bad we are. Where we go around, you know, saying I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good. This is not a program that just drive us into the ground and guilt and and depression and and and remorse. No.

It's a program of life. Life. You know, this for we Catholics, this weekend is Pentecost Sunday, tomorrow. That's the gift of the spirit. That's the foundation of church, which is people.

That's the promise, and I don't know what your concepts of Jesus are but he was a winner. He wasn't selfish, and that's what he promised to send us. And he's here, and I'll talk about that. But it's about life, and it's about love, and you were created to love. And boy did we ever mess that one up.

We'll talk about Okay. So we get into looking at the first step. The first step is a positive creative acceptance of my human condition to work out my destiny in this plot which is given for me to tell. Is it positive? Is it creative?

Is it accepting of myself? Is it something that gives to life? Is it something I give to others to share? I pass through this garden of life, but once, is the garden gonna look better after I'm out of it? Was it that way when we were drinking?

No. So the first step means The best way I can describe this one is is the the first psychiatrist that work with with Bill Wilson was, Thiebaud, doctor Thiebaud. And the first woman that came to AIA, I think it's Marty Mann, but I don't know. I had the privilege of being in a treatment center with her after I was sober about a year for about a month. And Atlanta Elina Elina Lodge in in New Jersey.

And and and he talks about this woman, the first woman in AA, and she was all of those things which we were before we're drinking. And I go put 2 columns up here. Where will I start? Yeah. This will be over here.

Over here on this column, this side of the room. Right? What was she like? What did she feel like? She felt depressed.

She felt worried. She felt unclean. She felt remorseful. She felt dirty. She felt guilty.

She felt unloved. She felt unaccepted. I'll accept it. Give me some more. She felt like shit.

Okay. What else? Come on. Give me some. What else?

Dirtbag. Come on. Unloved. Fearful. Used.

Used. Lonely. Used. Lonely. Lonely.

Like garbage. Like garbage. Angry. Desperate, lonely, suicidal. What was that?

Worthless. And one day, she walked into the office, she bounced into the office to Thiebaud and he said, my god, what's happened? And she said, well, now I feel accepted. I feel prayerful. I feel worthy.

I feel beautiful. I feel loved. I feel at peace. I feel like I belong. Give me some more.

Happy. Happy. Respected. Respected. Safe.

What? Safe. Free. Free. Free.

Free. Joyous. Pardon? Clean. Clean.

Serene. Grateful. Grateful. Glad to be alive. And he couldn't understand what happened.

She said, I surrendered. So here it is, 17th, I think, of May 1997. Don't put your hands up at this very moment. Which side column do you identify with most? That's the first step.

I would really like to be able to lie to you and say, you know, every morning when I wake up, this is me over here. Boy, I bounce out of bed, and I am so grateful and and malarkey because life isn't that. You know? Life is not a static thing, but this is continual, and I'll talk about this, flashing through the sky like lightning and thunder and, you know, concept of what Trinitarian love is, what life is. Right?

But the first step means there is no more fighting. There's no more battle. There's no more trying to become powerful over the drinking. There's no more trying to become powerful over people. You know, it says we are powerless over alcohol, lives unmanaged.