The By the Bay Speakers group in Portland, ME

Hello. I'm alcoholic. My name is Brian. Really echoing here. I wanna thank Mike for asking me to come down and speak.

I don't get out much at night anymore, so this is a gift. You know the big book says share what I was like, what happened, what I'm like now. You know, I'm gonna share a little bit about my story. I don't never really know what I'm gonna say. I mean, I have a story.

We all have a story. If you're new to AA, is there any how many people in here are under a year of sobriety? Raise your hand. Alright. And I I the reason I asked that is when I was new to AA, I had a tendency to compare my story to other people's story.

Tendency to say, you know, why do you do that to me? I'm not alcoholic. And I know I can say that and it doesn't matter if you're gonna do it, you're gonna do it, but the drama of my life has really nothing to do with my alcoholism. My alcoholism has everything to do with my inability to control my drinking once I start putting alcohol in my system. All the trauma that happened, all the stuff that was, the brutal stuff was just it was just a byproduct of the life I lived in the home I was raised in, and, and and we all have that.

I was alcoholic, you know, I could if I really looked up looked at it honestly as an alcoholic back when I was 18, 19, I was drinking out of control. I many times I went to places to just knock that edge off and, found myself drinking to a blackout or puking all of myself and then wondering the next day how that happened. But I wasn't I didn't get sober. Like, so Friday is March 6, 1993. And the interesting thing about that thing is I don't remember my last drink because I didn't wake up on March 6th that year to get sober.

I had kind of resigned to the fact that I was gonna, die. I was been I've been in AA prior to that for about a year and 2 weeks. I had a year and 2 weeks of sobriety in AA. Going to 2 meetings a day. And in the middle of a recovery ranch, living on a recovery ranch.

Popping nothing but recovery. 2 AM means a day in groups all during during the day. And, 2 weeks after I got my ear chip, I drank. And, for the next 3 months, I drank every day. Go after the second meeting.

I go to a noontime meeting, and then I'd go to a 6 o'clock meeting, and in between I'd do big group meetings or step meetings or group therapy or whatever it was what's going on at the ranch. And then at 7 o'clock, right after that meeting, I'd beeline over to a buddy's house and I'd start drinking. And then I'd start smoking Coke and then I would come back around 3 o'clock in the morning and get up the next day and say I'm not doing that. It's the last time I'm doing that. I'm just gonna get honest and tell everybody that I've been drinking and I and I and I did.

The week of 1993, March first all the way to 5th, I had given up and I was contemplating suicide. I, you know, like how am I gonna kill myself or I was gonna move to Phoenix. That was this is my other plant. Two plants. 1 I was gonna kill myself and the other one's gonna move to Phoenix and Bob thinks.

And the interesting thing about those two choices, I'd already done both of those or tried to do both of those 9 years before and that was a failure of both those endeavors. And so, for me to think that was a solution should just, give you an idea of the, where my mental capacity was at the time. And, what happened that morning, it was like any other morning. I was just got up, did my deal, went to the noon o'clock noontime meeting, came back and I was gonna go to a meeting that night, and 2 guys 12 stepping. It wasn't your typical 12 step, it wasn't like you know, hey we hear you got a problem, it was sit your ass down, we wanna talk to you kind stuff.

And, and I've been friends with these guys for a while, and one of them was like a brother to me, and his name was Max. And, Max saved my life. You know, Max Max made my dream in his business. And I'll never forget it. I can never give him enough thanks.

Maxed out shooting dope somewhere in California now. I don't even know if he's alive. I tried to get a hold of him. That's interesting. My son I mean, my son was born 3 months ago.

His name is Max. You know I didn't name my son because of the guy who saved my life, but I can tell you it came into play because, he really made my pain in his business. He really put his our friendship on the line. And he called me on the carpet and asked me questions like, so how long have you been sober? And I said things like I always said.

I said, I've been sober a year, 3 months, and 2 days, or whatever. And he said, no. Really? How long have you been sober? A day, 2 days?

Maybe you're not even sober right now. And as I got more animated and I got to get up to leave, another guy came in and he sat me down. He said just sit down and shut up. We wanna talk to you. And Max had that look in his eyes, you know, the the look of you see it in AA a lot, you know, when you get to know people and you really start to connect.

Well, if you really loved me and you really knew I was going out of the pack, you said, no. I love you, man. I don't wanna see you die. And I don't know what it was. I I I maybe I just had no more fight, but I just broke down and said, man, I can't I can't stop.

And I haven't had a drink or drug since that day. And both those guys went out to use within a year. One never I don't know where he he's ever coming back and the other guy's just coming back. And I've been sober 13 years, so it's like there's some magic in AA. There's some stuff that goes on that I don't understand, but I'll be forever grateful for that.

I'll tell you why I didn't dream. I mean, why I didn't stay sober. See, I came today and I believed the lie that I think happens a lot now in the office. And I believed it because somebody told me it, and I don't think he tried to mislead me, but he told me the truth. He said, his truth which was, he said, Ron, you got a drinking problem.

You need to go to AA. And so I went to AA thinking I had a drinking problem, and the solution for that is not drinking. But that's not the solution for what I have, I have alcoholism. What happened for me was I went crazy in AA not drinking and not living a spiritual life. I really went insane.

So when I came back on March 6th, I I I went on a different path. So here's what happened. Here's here's my story. I'm gonna give you the, reader's digest for you. I'm not gonna get into details about my life, talk about my recovery, but y'all know I understand I'm an alcoholic, and I grew up in an alcoholic home.

I grew up in California. I grew up in a town called Stockton, California. If anyone's from California, you know, I'm not bragging about it. It's, no disrespect to my friends from Lewiston over here, but it's the Lewiston of California. Don't take offense to it, Mike.

I, it really wasn't a pleasant place to grow up. I learned a lot of things in that home. I learned a lot of you know, my mom was a barber drunk, and, my mom, she was just and all my uncles were drinkers. Everybody was drunk. The only person in my family that wasn't a drunk was my oldest brother and my dad.

You know, my mom, my my brother was 4 years older than me. He was a drunk, you know. I learned from the age of 10 too that, that I could steal bikes from school and sell them to my brother for $5 and the respect of his friend. So when you're 10 years old and you're making $5 and you're stealing bikes and you and you get the respect of the 14 year old, that's a big deal. And I carried that idea and that whole acceptance all the way up to, going to the Pennantan Junior when I was 21 even in while I was doing time.

I live in Hawaii. I never really wanted to steal bikes, but you know what? I like $5. That was good when you're 10 years old. Back early seventies, a lot of money, get a lot of baseball cards in.

And, which is funny. I still apply, and I go buy baseball cards and trade. What the you know, like, that's the mentality of what the home I grew up in. And, I started smoking weed when I was about 11, and I started drinking when I was 12, and it wasn't a lot of consequences for that stuff. You know I ran away from home for my first time when I was 12.

Me and my brother stole a boat and we tried to get it out of the canals and get to the Bay San Francisco Bay and we, you know, we hit a sandbar and we, we ended up docking it. And, you know, so so there's a lot of stuff that happened but I'll tell you what what what what really was magical for me was what alcohol did for me. And get high, but really alcohol. When I drink, you know, I'm 5 for 1. I've been the shortest in my every, you know, every class picture I've ever been in.

Ain't no one smaller than me. Even the girls were taller than me. So when you're raised, when you grow up like that, you you always feel like you're less than anyone. You know? I get it.

I always felt like I wasn't man enough, and so, like, if if everybody said, well, we're gonna break into the school, but who's gonna climb through the window? You know? I'm the guy. I'll I'll climb through the window. You know?

Who's gonna throw a rock at that guy and hit him in the head? I'll do that. You know? I mean, that's just because, like, and then I'd run, and then my friends would come in and protect me. It was like looking for the respect of others through really messed up ways.

And alcohol, the magic of alcohol, it changed my perception of everything, Of who I was, how I felt, how I saw other people, how I thought they saw me. I felt like this was such a angry violent world, and part of that environment I grew up in was that way. But when I would go to a party and start drinking, I felt like there there was just more everything was okay then. You know, there was a sense of peace around. Everybody was a little bit calmer and I could pop them.

And I know I grew at least 6 inches. Sometimes, if I had the right mix, I could grow 8, 9 inches, you know. And, the problem is, you know, he's still only 5 for 105, so you gotta be careful. But, I I that was the magic of alcohol until the idea of giving it up never even entered into my mind. And I hid my alcohol, and a lot of young guys do this and I and I and I'm not pointing young people out, but I know for me as a young man, I did this.

Is I hid my alcoholism behind my drug addiction, you know. Because when I was 21, you know, from the age of 18, 19, 20, I started dealing I started doing coke. And I started understanding that if you really are painting houses making $7 an hour and you're smoking as much coke as I was, you can't they don't match up, you know. Like a paycheck is $250 and that's gone that weekend, you know. And then then so you gotta start finding other ways to supplement that.

And, but I was a drunk. I was drinking daily from the time I was 18. 1980, I was a daily drinker, and I was a daily drinker because I moved out of my house. I graduated from high school. I moved out, moved in with 4 guys, and we we we got a house.

And that was it. I became a daily drinker. And it was only because it wasn't like I had to drink, or at least I didn't think I had to drink. It was because I couldn't drink. There was no one around, and I ran with people who drank and partied like I drank and partied.

So I had nothing to compare it to. You know, I didn't have, like, somebody drinking socially over here and, like, wow. You know, they don't do what I do. Do. I ran with guys who are drunk.

And so we all looked at each other like, we're okay. And we're getting evicted 6 months later, but we're alright. You know? It's a misunderstanding, you know. So I started dealing with coke.

I became a dealer. That was another thing. That was tied into me being that, you know, like, understanding that the status that okay. Well, I can't really get women because, you know, it's like when you hang out with guys and they're all 5 foot 10, you know, who's gonna date the 5 foot 1 guy. Right?

I mean, so, hey, you know what? If you're dealing with coke and you got money and you got a bag, you can get girlfriends. And so I and also the respect. So that's what I did. And, the problem is, this is a failed business plan if you're, if you're using the substance that you're selling, it's destined for failure.

But I'm good. I'm telling you. I I have a way of convincing people that your money will be coming next week. I look right yeah. You know what?

I know I owe you $2, and you know what? I got a lot of stuff fronted out, and I got stuff coming in. Just give me one more. I'll get you covered on the back end. We're all set.

Okay, man. You know, I ran through a bunch of drug dealers in Tucson, Arizona and got to a place at the age of 21 where I was it was checkout time. You know? It was like, everybody gets that place. I've been surprised how much we don't talk about suicide in a a at least some rooms.

Like, it's a shameful thing. But I can guarantee I sponsored a lot of guys. Most guys I sponsored have attempted suicide at one time or another. And at the age of 21, it was my turn. No.

And I like I said, right now, if you look at my life, I had a beautiful girl. I had, you know, a job and my boss was addicted to cocaine, so I get a lot of free hours. I lived in a decent house, and I had one sometimes. Sometimes I didn't. But outside, it wasn't that bad.

And, one night I'm sitting around, I'm looking at my life. The real life, not the facade that I want everybody to see, but really what's inside my heart. Everybody was gone, and and I'm realizing that, that the game is over. And I remember, I'll tell a story just because it's goofy, and it just describes accurately who I really am. I sit around with a buddy of mine named Dave Kerr.

And Dave Kerr and I, we were partiers. We partied. We smoked a lot of Coke. We drank a lot together. And I turned to Dave and said, Dave, I said, I need some money.

He said, I need some money. I said, let's I got a plan. Let's go, let's go wild duck a turkey fried chicken down the road. Dave's like, see, I guess he didn't have a better plan because he went with me. And I remember, because my car wasn't working at the time, getting in his car, It was ACDC back in black that just come out.

I think we even had it on 8 track, but I think it came out and we were jamming to it and we were like all pumped up we're gonna do this. We had masks, and ropes, and guns, and we had we've taken them out And, we went in there. We ended up going in there buying, like, a 3 piece meal. So I you know, it's like I'm not a, you know, I'm not a I'm not a gangster. That's for sure.

So I so that night I dropped David off and I went out to kill myself, and I, you know, and I and I talk about this because I think it's really important to know, that I was out there to do it. I wasn't out there to just play games, to get caught, you know, so somebody feels sorry for me. I was not a self pity kinda drunk. I wasn't one of those guys who cried in my beer. I was a really happy I was either really happy and have a great time or punching holes in walls.

I mean, that's the 2 things I went to. And at this time, you know, I was just done. I cut a piece of hose off, took my roommate's car, drove out, and and I and I and I remember even when I smell fumes today, even today, and it's been it's been at least 24 years, 20 20 at least 23 3 years since this happened. I can still remember being in the car while those fumes are flowing through there thinking I got no reason to live. 21 years old.

I mean, you're just starting life, man. And I was like ready to go. I was an old man at 21 today. I was so old. And the only thing that saved me was a conscience that I hadn't had since I was 10 years old.

I lost I had lost feelings of every at 10 years old, I got molested by a family member. And from that time on, from the age of 10 to to at least this moment, I, like, lost my consciousness about, like, caring about anybody, only about myself when I can be out alive. Not getting close to people, not trusting people. And, that night I was writing letters to my mom about how sorry I was and that, you know, I'm sorry I had to do this, but I can't live anymore. Couldn't do it, man.

Couldn't do it. I just could not you know, my mother had my mother had already had very one son, and, my brother, Chuckie died when he was 7, leukemia. I watched what that did to my family. I watched when I was 5, when Chuckie was 7, I watched how that destroyed my mom and my dad, how my mom's strength became overwhelmingly powerful, and, So I didn't kill myself. That's obvious.

I know that I've shared that with you just in case you thought. But I I made a decision that night which is one of my problems in my mind is I I kinda figured out the wrong solution. It's always because I got the wrong problem. And see, you gotta know what the problem is before you can really fix it. That's why it's really important in AA when you take guys through the book to really find out, am I really an alcoholic?

Am I really powerless over alcohol? You know, are my what am I? What's my problem? My problem at this time was that I just didn't have enough money. Lack of funds.

No money. No money. I need money. Right? It's obvious to me.

Not that I'm smoking coke, robbing from drug dealers, taking my roommate's rent, but, you know, let's not none none of that. The problem is I don't have enough money. If I have enough money, all my problems go away. And what happened is that the the Simpsons would have gone away. Everybody would have looked good.

Everybody would have been the same thing. And so next day I go into town to rob the bank. That's what I did. Went in there, robbed it, asked for the money, left. I'm not gonna tell you how much I got because Dave keeps telling me I shouldn't tell this story because you guys can start thinking I'm a real gangster, but I got $50 for my first bank robbery.

Yeah. I got 50 to ask. But so, you know, I got what I asked. Don't ask me why I'm with the silver blackout. No.

But I got my $50, and, I'll never I'll never forget, like, thinking that at first I was scared of death, you know, 21 year old kid. I couldn't even shave at this time, you know. In fact, when they wrote the newspaper, I go like that, they said 17 year old kid robs 2 banks. But, because what happened is I had my $50 with about a total pack of Budweiser, and, I'll never those were like I drank 4 of them real quick, man. It felt that sense of ease and comfort.

God. Okay. Alright. Shit. $50.

I drove across town, I robbed a load bank, and, then I got all the money I wanted. You know, I got a lot of money and I paid all my debts off, and I just started this lie. 6 months later, I ran out of money, told my boss, hey. You know, I need the van. I gotta go into town and get some stuff.

Give me the keys to his van. I drive into town, rob bank, go back to the job site. Like, nothing happens. It was like, it was like I became addicted to it. Like, oh, bro.

Cool. You know, they don't know who I am. No big deal when I run out of money. They gave me a license to do whatever I wanted to do. And, 2 weeks after that I got arrested.

And, we're doing time, we used to always make, yeah. You didn't get you didn't get arrested. You got saved. That was a running joke. Right?

I mean, I was but one of the truth was I was one of those guys. I'd say that in a heartbeat, you know. We'd be playing, you know, spades or peanut or whatever. We'd be playing and talking crap and be like, man, you were saved, but I was saved. I'm gonna tell you right now.

If I had got caught, I think I I don't think I'd be here today. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now you couldn't have convinced me that when they arrested me or even for years later, but sitting here today, it saved my life. Saved my life. And, my parents bailed me out.

My parents loved me. You know, I'm a baby. My mom already lost one son, you know. They I got a good family, you know. And they came and got me and they got me a lawyer.

And the lawyer told me the truth, which I needed to hear, which is you're going to prison. You can't rob 3 banks. You're not going to prison. It's gonna happen. You gotta do the only thing is how much you're gonna get.

You know, I hadn't really had any records since I've been told, juvenile stuff but that stuff was gone, you know. And, 2 weeks well about 2 or 3 weeks before I was supposed to go to trial, I robbed another bank. So that's the the the overview of my insanity, you know. And and, you know, and the day I did that, I mean, I used to hang with this guy named Johnny Valenzuela. We used to we were drug dealers together.

He used to have a lot of resentments against him because he slept with my girlfriend when I went to prison. But Johnny was a good friend. I remember sitting there saying and we're all baked. We got home from work, you know, and we're like, the bong's out. We're like, you know, we're feeling good and I say, hey.

I gotta go to the bank to cash some checks. Can I have your card? And he throws me the keys to his car, And I go and rob his bank. And I did it Friday afternoon knowing I'm gonna get caught. But guess what I'm gonna do that weekend?

I'm gonna have a park. You see, my lawyer told me, go into prison. So I might go to prison. You're 21 years old, and you're thinking of 10 years in prison. That's that's forever, man.

That's like my life is over. I mean, 30 years old was like dead as far as I was. 30. I'll be 44 on Sunday. I'm thinking 50 is young.

But back then, 30 was nothing. I was like, I couldn't even believe being 30, you know. And so I'm thinking my life is over. And, I rob this bank. I didn't know I was gonna get caught.

I didn't get caught. They're an actor. I knew they're gonna look at the tape. I mean, how many guys are out there on the bond that are 5 foot 1? And then when the camera can't see the top of your head as you're leaving the bank, you know, it's like, whoop.

So they came and got me, and, and I and I wasn't to get out. I didn't get out for the next 6 years, and there's nothing exciting to happen in prison. I drank in prison. I, my alcoholism continued with me, you know. I, it was the same way.

I didn't fit in, you know, when you're 5 for £105 and, you know, from the suburbs and you're going to federal penitentiaries. Like, I'll figure out how to fit in. So I became whatever people want me to became. I became a racist. Right?

Not proud of that. Never had a racist bone in my body. But guess what? Some of the racists that I hung with protected. So that's what I became.

Right? Did a lot of things I'm not proud of. Right? Hurt a lot of people I didn't wanna hurt. Live the life I didn't wanna live to survive the world and everyone.

It's just what it is. I'm proud of it. I don't regret it. I wouldn't do it again if I had a choice. So that's the life that that my alcoholism took me.

And I got out. I was 28 years old and I wasn't supposed to drink. I wasn't supposed to drug and I had I had a year of well, I had about 8 months of parole and then I had 5 years probation, ran wild running consecutive. And, so the feds were gonna have me go out, and I was really mad that I couldn't drink. I mean, I'm 28 years old.

Man, I have a drinking problem. I'm sure I shouldn't be using cocaine. I mean, that causes problems but drinking? And, I'm a rasping my professor. So you say I can't have any foods at all?

He said, no. No drinking. It's part of your conditions of your release. So here's here's a clue for me. And I didn't take it, but here's a clue.

If any of you guys are on parole and you're drinking, and you're not supposed to. A normal drinker, if they're told, okay. While you're on corona, you can't drink. And if you do drink, you will lose your freedom. Well, normal drinker says, okay.

I won't drink because I can take it or leave it. I couldn't take it or leave it. My mind couldn't get to me like, who is he to tell me I can't drink? It's a legal substance. And so I drank.

And, of course, I got caught. And, of course, I went back to prison. And the lie I told myself then was my poor officer's an asshole. He had it out for me, and he sent me back to Penitentiary. And the reality is my poor officer was just doing his job.

He's actually gonna climb, and I set myself back to that tension. But I couldn't see that truth until I started to go through my inventory process. I couldn't see that truth till I started living the spiritual path. I was incapable of seeing the reality of my life. Just couldn't see it.

So I went back to another 12 months and everything changed. This is like my whole life, I kinda stopped because up to that time my parents my mom and dad, I I didn't kinda buy the Michigan to turn around Indiana. And so that's pretty far away when we grew up in Tucson. And so my parents would fly out and visit me. My grandma would come.

My brother would fly in and visit me. They'd send me money orders so I could get comments there. They would, you know, they would they would take care of me while I was doing time. Right? Well, guess what?

The only letter I got this last thing was from a letter from my mom saying, we're done. You ain't welcome here anymore. When you get out of the special storage and you have to live on the streets because we're not thinking it, You won't get any more money over us, and I love you too much to watch you die. And the lie I put myself in was my mom's, you know, evil. She said another word, but that's what I said, you know.

Like, that's what I meant. Like, how dare earth this zone pervade me. You know? And I thought it was a lie. I a year later, I started to get released and they asked me for my pro plan.

I said the same thing. I always said, well, I'm gonna go live with my parents, and my dad's got a friend who'll give me a job. And my caseworker said, well, you know what? I talked to your parents, and you're not welcome home. And I was like, you know, that was like a reality check.

And so I had to go live, basically on the streets. I became homeless. I had $60 gate money. I was 29 years old. Had no jobs filled.

Had no family members who wanted anything to do with me. Even my drunk brother didn't want me to his house. Couldn't go to any of my music buddies because my props would have been coming over. So I pulled up in this halfway house downtown Tucson, and I was mad. I was still mad.

I've been mad for a lot of really just and, major chip on my shoulder. And they told me the very first day I got here, they said, okay, okay, Brian. You've been here for 4 months. Here's the rules. Anytime you leave these premises and you come back on these premises, you're subject to a breathalyzer or a urinalysis.

If you fail either one of those, we will send you back to prison. I already spent 7 years. I mean, from 22 to 29, I was done. I was like, man, I'm tired of getting tired. I mean, my life has passed me on.

You know, all my friends were married, careers, kids. I'm living in some crappy old halfway house downtown Tucson with no money, no respect, no skills, no hope. And they tell me I can't drink, so I'm like, okay. I won't drink. 4 months, I can do that.

3rd day out, I'm like, 3rd day out, $60. That's all I got to my name. Somehow my mind convinces me, hey. You deserve you have been in prison for a year, dude. You deserve to drink.

Who are they to say you can't drink? You don't have drinker, bro. A couple of drinks ain't gonna be bad. Come on. So I drink.

And no and see, here's another why I always tell myself. Because I controlled it that day, right, all the night I had thought. The big book says, the obsession, The very obsession I ever had no more drink was to control and enjoy this drink. You don't match those two things up. If you can control and enjoy your drinking, well, you may not be alcoholic.

See, I could control it at certain times, but I never enjoyed it when I was controlling it. And anytime that I was enjoying it, I can guarantee I wasn't controlling. You know? That's a guarantee. And so what happened for me was I didn't get drunk that day.

I got a few good, you know, know, got some good stuff going in. I felt good. Alright, man. Life's starting to come together, man. The puzzle's starting to work.

I'm gonna need a job. Maybe I'll win the lottery. You know? Things will happen. I'll probably meet a girl.

You know? Girls are hanging out in this park. I know. So next day, same thing. No problem.

3rd day, guess what? The mindset thought, dude, it's Friday night. Go back to the halfway house, man. Bring some tequila. They got the the wheat staff on.

They don't get the normal staff. You know, the the the rookies are on the night, man. You could go. You don't wanna go back without booze. Go back.

Come on, drink. You know? So I bring a bottle of tequila on premises, and I get drunk. And, of course, there's 50 people in recovery. They're all guys doing time, getting out of prison, going to prison, whatever.

Somebody told on me. That's my thing. You know? Somebody told on me. That's my problem.

I wake up next day, somebody told on me. I'm a problem. I didn't share it with the right person. I know they're jealous. You know, me stumbling down the walkway to my room had nothing to do with it.

And, so, you know, Monday comes around my crawler, calls me up and says, you know, Brian forgot to the front lobby, you know. And I go up there with all my little cosmetics because I know I'm doing time. I got my toothpaste. I got, like, 3 2 or 3 things of toothpaste, my soap, my shampoo. You gotta look good in prison.

You know. You never know whether how far are you gonna be away from us. So I got a little bag and I walk in there and he says, hey. Have a seat. He says, what's that?

I said, that's just some of my stuff I'm bringing back. Bring it back. Where are you going? I said, why aren't you violating it? And, this asshole pro officer, I thought was a jerk, sat me down and told him he he did something and nobody can now maybe somebody but I haven't done it, but for some reason, I don't even hear it.

He said, you know what? Let me have a talk with you. I said, you know something, Brian? Let me tell you something. I've been in AA for 7 years.

That's the first thing he did. He broke his hand. He said, I've been a member of alcohol for 7 years. He says, you keep thinking that drugs are your problem. He says, but you gotta drink the problem.

You can't not drink? But that's a problem. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one favor. It's the last favor you ever seen.

And this guy violated me a year before, or I helped filing you. He said, here it is. I'm gonna make sure it it it I'm gonna recommend the appropriation. Don't go back to prison because it's not gonna do anything. It's not gonna fix you.

After 7 years, go back for 4 months. To think that's gonna fix you is ludicrous. He says, I'm gonna send you to AA. You gotta go to an AME every day while you're here. You gotta get a job within 15 days.

In the 4 months you're here, if you don't get any tickets, you don't get any ride ups, and you do every Amy every day, then we'll be on. You'll be all set. He said, you make one slip up, and I'm sending it back. Wash my hands. That man saved my life.

He sent me to you people. I mean, I didn't wanna come and see you guys. AA. And there. AA.

Oh my god. 30 years old. AA. I I was 29 at that time. Now you'd be like, please.

For alcohol, man. That's the people I was drinking without the park, man. People living on Skid Row. Oh, I live in my 1st week of sobriety, I had to sell blood. I'll never forget the earnings.

This is not earnings. Nah. I'm a week sober. I just got a I just got saved by my boss. I have no money.

Oh, yeah. I'm running out of money. And I see an ad in the paper for first time donations. Right? $25.

Plasma. You gotta sell plasma. You can't sell blood. If you're gonna sell, sell plasma because you can do it more than blood. So I go and sell plasma, and I'm sitting there in line with all the other street guys, right, and women.

You know? Next. Next. I'm judging everybody. I'm like, losers.

Loser. That's a loser. And the whole time, I'm praying I weigh a 110 because you gotta be 110 to be able to get plasma. So I'm like, man, I hope I tip that scale. So so I got thought, I filled my glasses, you know.

I made my money, And, and I come to, hey. I fell in love with alcoholics, mama's. I really did. Even though I would never told you that, sat in the back, I had that, pissed off look that newcomers get that try to be tough. Right?

Sad Octi, don't touch me. Don't don't, definitely don't hug me. Don't trust anybody, but because if you hug me, I know you want something from I don't know what I had. I mean, I was living in the app, but I was thinking of the bus to meetings, but somehow I knew I had something he wanted. And, but the the there's a few guys at the meeting that I still stay in contact with that broke up the barrier, man.

They just kept coming at me with love and love. And I'm gonna tell you right now, when you live in a world of hate, like I live in a world of hate, love is some powerful stuff, man. Love is really powerful. The kindness of another man. Don't ever underestimate reaching your hand out to a guy who looks pissed off, because I wanna tell you right now, most of them really want someone to talk to.

It's a facade. You know? I'm so scared. And they they they knew it. They knew it, man.

They reached out and they touched me, man. They hell. I'll never forget I'll never forget. I'm sitting at the bus stop. It's a 110 degrees.

I got 18 cups of coffee because that's what you do when you're new. Drink lots of coffee. You know what? Wonder why you can't sleep at night. Right?

Sweat pouring out of me, and I'm sitting at this bus stop, and it's really hot. This guy drives up. He's got the air condition on, you know. It's all like it's like almost frosty inside this guy's car. Rolls the window down.

Hey. You wanna ride back to the half house? I'm like, no. I'm cool. I got this.

No. I cannot accept the kindness about that. You know? Like, what's up with that? I could accept it.

And I would've been helping him more than he would help me. The whole time there, I'd been freaking out. What what did he want? You know, is he, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay. Whoever I want to go, we'll go places, know.

And, but eventually it got beat down. Eventually, I started to fall. I moved away from the back to the front. I used to go play pool with these guys. Hey.

Why don't we go we're gonna go out for lunch and then, then we'll go play some pool. And I was like, oh, okay. You know, I didn't know what to talk about early recovery. What do you talk about? You know, I I don't know how to have a conversation.

I had nothing to talk about. Like, yeah. Okay. Coffee's good. You know?

I I was, like, so scared to have a conversation with people. And they knew it. They didn't force anything on me, man. They really just were kind of so I came and I came and I thought and here's what happened. I went to this noontime meeting.

There's about 40 people. About 15 over here were talking about recovery. Going through the 12 steps, get relationship with God, making amends. Right? 4 step inventory.

They were talking about real substance. In another group over here with equal amount of sobriety time wise, they were talking about you just don't drink when your ass falls off, you just show up no matter what. Right? And these people over here were judging everybody, and we knew you knew, and you owe a lot of money because you stole a lot of money, and you don't wanna do anything about those men. Right?

You definitely wanna do no inventory in my life. It's just alright. I ain't hanging with these guys. Like, they were way too intense for me. Right?

Because they were the ones smiling, laughing, having a good time. But I kinda drifted over these guys, and I hung out with these guys. And anytime someone talked about God, I'd get up and we we I don't know why. I mean, I know why I had deep resentments against guys, but didn't wanna hear any of that stuff. And they wanna talk about horse stuff.

I didn't want anything to do with that. So I fell in tune with a group of people who were not drinking, seemingly were doing okay, and they were to have some fun, like, sleep around with each other, you know, do that stuff, you know. Cut corners, and, and I did that for a year and 2 weeks ago. And, I didn't do the recovery process. I didn't want anything to do with the recovery recovery process.

I didn't even know I was an alcoholic. They came around the room and said that, and I said I it was like I was a duck. Yeah. Uh-huh. Quack.