Workshop titled "A Day In The Big Book" in Charlottesville, VA

Thank you. Okay. Let's see. We probably need to wrap up soon. I know that sitting is hard work, and I've just been yada yada yada yada yada.

And bless your hearts. You know? Thank you. It's, so I think that I think that we'll just have a short session and be done. It occurred to me that I hadn't talked much about that third piece of inventory, the conduct inventory, which, I mean, the book starts off by saying, now about sex, which always got my attention.

But the, so the first several times I wrote this inventory, it was purely about sexual conduct or conduct with, people with whom I had sexual relationships or hopes for sexually. And, it was pretty simple the way I was taken through it on page 69. There are, yeah. There are 2 paragraphs. One's right in the middle of the book, and it tells me exactly what to do.

It says, I review my conduct over the years past, and then I'm given a series of questions. Well, the first time I wrote this, I went chronologically from, Bobo in kindergarten. It's just what I did. And I asked these questions, where had I been selfish? Where had I been dishonest?

Where had I been inconsiderate? Now, it occurred to me that a lot of these questions sounded repetitive because when I wrote in resentment inventory, I I looked in that last column at where I'd been selfish, where I'd been, dishonest and it was explained to me that I still need to look at these questions here because a lot's happened since resentment inventory. You know, I may have been resentful at someone. I may have gotten to that 4th column, but then, I had that prayer meditation. I've looked at fears.

And so by the time I get to conduct inventory, I'm actually looking at everything differently. Because I'm free of resentment. I'm free of fear, and now I can really look at my conduct. And today, I don't limit this to just sexual conduct. Today, when I write inventory about my boss, you know, I'm resentful, blah blah blah.

I look at the fears. Okay. And then I ask myself, where was I selfish? Where was I dishonest? Where was I inconsiderate?

Who did I hurt? Did I unjustifiably aroused jealousy? How about suspicion? What about bitterness? I can do that in the workplace.

Where was I at fault? What should I have done instead? Probably anything other than what I did. We got this all down on paper and looked at it. So it's not something I do on my head, it's something I do on paper.

The, and and it's real important that I do that because the next paragraph tells me that it's in this way I try to set shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life. I subject each relation to the test. Was it selfish or not? And they all are for me. I have not had one relationship yet that was not selfish.

Maybe it's enlightened selfishness but it's still selfishness. I I and then I'm given some prayers. I ask God, I pray. I ask God to mold my ideals and help me to live up to them, remembering always that my sex powers, suggest that sex is powerful, were god given and good. Not to be used lightly or selfishly, which I did a whole lot of, nor to be despised and loathed, which I did a whole lot of.

Whatever my ideal turns out to be, I must be willing to grow toward it. And there is some more there. This is so important because after I wrote that first bit of inventory, my sponsor led me into literally writing out a sane and sound ideal for my future. And I'm on my 4th one over the years, and I carry each one in my wallet. It's amazing.

I carry it in my wallet because later on when I don't know what to do, I pull it out. It's like, okay. Are your actions going to take you toward or away from this? And so it's a wonderful barometer. It's it's a guidepost if you will.

One of, I happen to have a piece of earlier inventory. It wasn't the first one. This is one where I was having trouble with my relationship again and so I did kind of a a group thing. I won't read the entire inventory, but but I began answering the questions and I and I the prayer was, God, please help me see more. I've been selfish, with all these men and that I was always in the relationships for what I needed.

It was about what I could get from them. Emotional security, praise, money, things and protection. And there was never enough of any of this. I was dishonest. I had nothing real to share with them.

I simply became who I thought they wanted. I was dishonest in making promises and vows that I knew I wasn't willing to keep. I always knew that divorce or walking out was an option. Always had a door open. No commitment.

I was inconsiderate by always thinking of my needs and even when I did consider their needs, it was based on what I thought they needed. Never ask anybody. And then I list, the the men I had hurt and how the common pattern was, I tell them lies to get what I think I need and want. I make promises I don't keep. I aroused jealousy, suspicion and bitterness as I would drift away, often toward another Prince Charming.

Each of these men were good men, polite, considerate, generous, kind and loving. Always told them. I haven't really ever wanted to spend a whole lot of time with them. I was always selfish, always trying to fulfill my own emotional needs. Believing that I needed to own anyone that claimed to love me, that is, marry him, or make sure that he understood that if he loved me, we should be married.

That's an old idea. If you love me, you should want to marry me. I never embraced the spirit of marriage, rather it was a legal contract that protected me. I'm at fault in responding to whoever notices me and expresses an attraction. I never discriminated when it came to the attention of men.

In short, I am a self centered, self seeker, who is attracted to being attractive to, and I always seek to fulfill my own emotional voids. I have both loathed and despised sex, how I used it and my sexual partners. I have used my sex powers very lightly and selfishly to get what I wanted when I want it, and I've often done it without having sex. And you probably understand what I'm talking about. What should I have done?

Told the truth, kept my promises, kept sex sacred and good, been willing to give what I wanted rather than take, take, take, and in many instances, just stayed out of their lives. And none of that's pretty, and none of that's really who I am. It's who I became, you know, it's where these things drove me. And that last piece, what should should I have done instead, became my springboard for my sane sound ideal. It was my second one.

You know, tell the truth. Keep my promises. Keep sex sacred and good. Be willing to give rather than take, take, take. Yeah.

And my sponsor explained to me that my seen and sound ideal is not a resume for him. It's not he needs to be this, this, this. It's about who I want to bring to the relationship. I'd never thought about it from that angle. So that's been a wonderful thing.

My current same and sound ideal that I've been carrying for some time, each one by the way has come to pass without me really even noticing. It's, you know, it says if we're willing to grow toward it, which I generally am, I wouldn't have written it if I wasn't, and we do it with God. And the book tells us that we are not the arbiters of anyone's conduct. I have absolutely no business judging what you do, you know, and likewise. You know, I tell the women I walk with that, you know, if if it's your ideal to hang out with 12 monkeys, that's fine As long as you and God are okay with it, you know.

Who am I? The, my current ideal is I pray that I may grow in faith and have the courage to be true to God, capital y u, and be honest with my love. I pray that I may never violate another. I pray that I may love in ways that God would have me, in ways that heal in our expressions of his love through me. I pray that I may honor another and not trespass or deceive.

I pray for willingness to go where you lead, where God leads, never using another to satisfy my needs or blaming another for my lack. And, actually a great deal of that has come to pass. And and I got to see that in the final days with Richard. And it continues, to develop. I, I mentioned that Richard and I wanted to be friends before lovers and we did the best we could, but I'm actually having a relationship today with my best friend.

You know, with, my friend, Mike, whom I've known for years years years. And, you know, it truly is amazing, how when we look back, the things we put into God's hands turn out to be better than anything we could have planned or expected, and I continue to learn about love in, ways I never thought possible. I don't need to be married today. I don't need him to want to marry me, which is a good thing because I don't think he does. And that's fine.

It's not, it's not about that. But to to be open to the possibilities of what God might have in store, makes life truly an adventure. To not know what's around the corner is extraordinary. And, and to just learn about love, you know, to just learn about love and to love someone as they are where they are. Still learning that one, you know.

What I do understand is that if I can't love you as you are where you are, it's not love. Yeah. It's not love. It's something but it's not love. And, every you know, I learned that with in all of my relationships, going back to the 12th step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.

The 12th step is the reason for the first eleven. That is, if you will, what I believe God's will is for me today. And that's a full time job, to try to carry this message to other alcoholics and to try to practice these principles in all of my affairs. That's plenty. I don't really need to spend too much time thinking about what you're doing or or how it's affecting me.

I got to watch, got to watch my brothers who both drink like we people of my type drink. And, when I first got sober, I did everything that chapter 7 says don't do. And I read the chapter and my sponsor read it with me and I understood the, you know, the black ink on the white page and it did everything it said not to do. I was handing out big books and pamphlets and I was just irritating a lot of people because I had the answer and, could have ruined some it might have ruined some opportunities. But eventually, I got to a point where I understood with my brothers that I wasn't going to save them or fix them.

And that I could tremendous freedom tremendous freedom. I can remember in early sobriety, when I would get close to someone and they drink, I'd get mad, and hurt, and angry, and go through all this emotional trauma. They drank and I'm going through the trauma. The, because everything's about how I feel. And today, it's such a tremendous freedom to understand that I don't understand, you know, I had to experience a lot of despair in order to find the blessing of the life I have today.

And I would not, I don't believe I could embrace and experience the blessing of the life I have today without every bit of that despair. So who am I to stand in the way of yours? Who am I to get in the way of anybody's despair? You know, if if that's their journey, you know, where they need to go. And, my brothers Bobby and Kevin, They've got plenty of enabling going on.

We have a mother who's loving them to death. God bless her. God bless her. And what do I know? My brother Bobby did, and some of you have heard about this, he did get sober a couple of years ago.

He was, very, very in bad shape. He was he's got a wife and 2 kids and he was living at this raunchy hotel. And he he called me up, and we didn't know where he was really or what he was doing, but he called me up and just drunk as could be and wanted to know if I would come see him. And I said, why? And he said, because I'm lonely.

I said, okay. I'll I'll come see you, Bobby. So I picked up a sandwich and I went over and he opened the door and, you know, and it was just all there. The despair, well, I don't need to describe it. It was all there.

So he ate the sandwich and I said, you know, I'm going to a meeting. Do you wanna go? And, oh, no. No. No.

I'm too drunk to go to AA. And so the next day, he calls me and wants to know if I'll come visit. And I said, how come? He said, I'm lonely. So I picked up a sandwich and I showed up.

We went through a similar thing and so I'm going to a meeting tonight. Do you wanna go? Oh no no. I'm never going to AA drunk again. And because you taught me to listen, I thought I heard what he was saying.

He can't stop drinking, but he's got this idea that he can't go to a meeting drunk. He's in a no win situation. And so I said, you know, Bobby, it's Alcoholics Anonymous not Sober People Anonymous. Yeah. And, but he didn't go.

So he called me the next day. He said, will you come over? I said, sure. I'll come over. So I called my friend Mike and, we got there early because it takes a long time to get a drinking drunk ready to do anything.

And and I reminded him, because he protested, that it's okay, you know. It's Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who can't stop drinking. And so we got him dressed and we we went to a a a little club in in our city, the West Side Club, where you can still smoke. You don't even need cigarettes. You just breathe deeply.

And we took my brother there, and he was ripe and they welcomed him. They didn't let him disrupt the meeting but they welcomed him. Yeah. And they loved him. And I don't think he remembered anything he heard.

He was too drunk to remember anything he heard, but he obviously remembered what he experienced. What he experienced was the love of Alcoholics Anonymous, because he went back. Yeah. And he went back. And he eventually, got sober and he had 2 years in November and was in a halfway house.

And for a variety of reasons, he's been keeping himself sober, you know. He drank again. And and now he has he gets he's his new sobriety date is March 20th. And it was amazing when he drank again, and I'm still digesting this, because I didn't have any emotional trauma. I mean, I'd love my brother to be so I would love my brother to experience all of this, but I don't know what he needs.

What I do know is that I love him. I mean, I love my brother. Drunk or sober, I love him. And I know he knows that. He knows, that he can't move in with me.

Yeah. And he's asked, you know, over the last 2 years, he's asked several times and and I've prayed about it and I know it's it's not good. It would not be a loving thing for him. And, and it's because of God that I can say no, you know. And let him know that I I know that you're capable, getting a job.

I know you're capable of being self supporting. I'll help you with that. And I will. But he just, he doesn't know. He doesn't know what he's capable of.

He's going to discover it, I think. But he's, he's sober one day at a time. He's back into meetings and who knows? Who knows where his journey will take him, but my goodness, what he's taught me. You know, I can love my brother drunk or or sober.

The, the way the 12th step works in my life today, I am blessed and surrounded by so many wonderful people and so many wonderful women. You know, I get to walk this journey with so many sisters, and I get to see, the miracle manifested everywhere. The, the 12th tradition keeps coming to mind, and, and it's one I've been meditating upon for some time in the long form. And just very quickly, the 12th tradition, which by the way, I I and there's obviously no time today. I so appreciate what the traditions do in my work life, in my home life, on the interstate, when I'm at the drugstore, the concept of having unity in all my relationships and putting the group welfare, whatever group that might be, above my own personal welfare has literally transformed my world.

The, 12th tradition says, and finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities. That we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end, that our great blessings may never spoil us, that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. And as I meditate upon this, this principle of anonymity has an immense spiritual significance.

What does that mean? I mean, there's personal anonymity. There's anonymity at the level of press, radio and film. But the anonymity, with the way this touches me today, this immense spiritual significance is, for the longest time, I believe that my sobriety was my gift. For whatever reason, I was blessed with sobriety.

It's my arrogance, you know, to think that for some reason, you know, I got this blessing and somebody else didn't. What I believe today, in light of the 12th tradition, is that God, who is immensely spiritual and is spiritual significance, is anonymous. And that my sobriety really has very little to do with me, and that my sobriety has a great deal to do with how God wants to love someone else through me. The, and I'll tell you how I came to understand this. It's by walking with others.

You know, and when I watch women get sober, and when I watch women use these principles, and I when I watch what happens in the lives of their children and their spouses and their parents, and when I watch all these lives being touched by their sobriety, I am convinced, beyond a doubt, that their sobriety has very little to do with them, and so much to do with God loving those kids, and loving those spouses, and loving those parents through them. We're just channels. We're just channels. The, to be reminded to place principles before personalities for me is about placing these principles above my personality, not yours. It's my personality that will get in the way.

And to practice a genuine humility, I'm not quite sure I understand what that means. I understand that humility is truth and to practice a genuine truth probably means to understand more deeply that I don't understand. And this, to this to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us. Oh, I've been spoiled. You know, thinking that my sobriety is about me or that I know something.

No. A genuine humility that we may never be spoiled. That we shall forever live in thankful contemplation. Thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all. God's not just loving me or you, he's loving us all.

Yeah. I'm just not always awake to it, but it's happening. What a journey, you know, and I just feel like I'm at the beginning. Just at the beginning. More will be revealed.

What I'd like to suggest, if if you wouldn't mind, is I've got this meditation that literally came from God some years ago. And it's, it's one of my favorite. And if you'd, be willing to join me, then if you'd like to just get comfortable and gently close your eyes. For me, meditation, by the way, I I do exactly what the book suggests in the 11th step, and I've done a lot of other things. And then I've come back to exactly what the book suggests to the in the 11th step, and then I add too.

So if you'd like to, gently close your eyes and let us start the way we start life with a deep breath in and out. As we breathe, let's imagine. Imagine that you are not your personality. Your compassion for others, let it go. Your judgment of others, let it go.

Your ability to make others laugh, let it go. Your ability to make others cry, let it go. Everything that makes up your personality with each breath, let it go. You are not your personality. Imagine that you are not your mind.

Your mind that decides what is right and what is wrong, let it go. Your mind that makes decisions about what to do and what not to do, Let it go. Your mind, that believes it knows what is good and what is bad, let go. Every thought, idea, and opinion, let it go. You are not your mind.

Imagine that you are not your body. You are not your feet or your legs. Let them go. You are not your hands or your arms. Let them go.

With each breath in and out, let your body go. Breathe. Imagine that you are not your disease. It is in you, but it is not you. Let it go.

Breathe. You are not your personality. You are not your mind. You are not your body. Do you understand what you are?

You are God's creation. You are eternal. Breathe. Thank you all for the blessing of today. I love you.

Go in peace.