Workshop titled "A Day In The Big Book" in Charlottesville, VA

Yes. Yes. We're okay. Mhmm. And it's nap time.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking, well, maybe, you know, if I brought some sex inventory, I might have been able to, you know, wake us up. Or not.

But, no. I was just thinking about what we what to do next. And page 100, which is going a little bit forward to chapter 7, which is all about the 12th step, and we'll go back to chapter 6, which is, you know, 5 through 11. But on page 100, probably my very favorite promise and passage in the book, tells me that both me and the new woman or, you know, man and man have to walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. And for me, this means that, you know, there's nobody really above or below.

There are many who have walked ahead of me and thank God they have because they can show me the way. And there are many who have yet to walk this path. But let's hope it's clear for them when they get here. But the important thing is, is that both of us, all of us have to walk day by day. It's one day at a time.

And the promise there, if we do walk day by day, the path of spiritual progress, is that remarkable things will happen. And, ironically, when we look back, we never see it apparently when it's happening. But but when we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in god's hands were better than anything we could have planned. That's been my experience. You know, I've looked over my shoulder and I've seen, truly the glory of God's world.

And here's here's the one that just grabs my heart. Follow the dictates of a higher power, and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world no matter what your present circumstances. That has been my experience. Follow the dictates of a higher power means that I have to be fully engaged in all the steps. I can't follow god's seek god's will, yet let alone seek to follow god's will if I'm not actively engaged in that, which is why I need the rest of the well, all of the steps, but in particular, 11.

And and, it tells me that if I do this, if I follow god's will, in other words, I begin to live a life where I go where I'm guided rather than being pushed by my feelings, then I'm gonna live in a new and wonderful world. New meaning one I've never known before and wonderful for me, meaning god's world, not mine. And it says that's gonna be true no matter what my present circumstances, is. And for me, that's been true no matter what my present circumstances. You know, and I will judge circumstances.

I've got a mind that will say, this is bad. You know, this is bad or this is good or this is sad or this is happy, and it doesn't matter. I get to live in this new and wonderful world. There's a story in our book, and there's a passage from that story that in my community is is very, very popular. And it's about acceptance, and it's about how nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

And it it irritated me for quite some time because I couldn't reckon reconcile that with a lot of the things that go on in this world. I couldn't believe that it would be god's will that in god's world, these things would happen to innocent children or these things would happen to these folks. And what I've come to believe is every day is a day that I have a choice, that each of us has a choice. And today is a day when I can choose to seek my will. And when I do that, I get to live in my world.

And it's not pretty. But when I'm seeking my will, then then I exercise my will. And I am the tornado that roars through your life. And I'm not the only one, others do too. I have another choice on a daily basis and that's to seek God's will.

And when I'm seeking God's will, I get to live in God's world. And when I'm living in god's world, everything happens right on time, you know, and everything happens right. Not by my judgment, but everything happens right. And I wanted to go there because it is my experience, and it's one that I continue to experience. And it is looking over my shoulder.

And if I get to the 9th step as many do and think, I'm feeling good. I don't need to go there. I'm not going to experience this unless I go there. You know, I'm not going to live in this new and wonderful world. The, you know, the promises, the the 9 step promises and all the promises thereafter don't happen just because I think about it.

You know, I have to be involved in action. And so, anyway, with that in mind, when I, began making amends, it, the first one I made was to my dead brother, John. I, couldn't go see him face to face. And the book says, you know, when you can see these people face to face, generally, we harm them face to face. So it's, it's real important for me to make direct amends, which means to your face, and I need to be direct.

You know, I need to be very specific. I, the book gives us pages and pages and pages of very specific instructions on what to do and what not to do, and it covers every scenario. It covers everything from how to approach enemies, how to approach creditors, how to approach, people that have harmed us more than we've harmed them, how to approach family, how to I mean, it covers everything. And we don't have the time to dig to go through all of that. But you're going through all of that, you know, and and that's why we have sponsors and and that's why we have mentors.

And and, my brother was the first one I made amends to. And my sponsor suggested that I write him a letter and take it to his grave. And what happened was I sat on my back porch to write the letter, and I began writing. And it had been about 11 years since his death. And at some point, everything that I had shoved down 11 years earlier because I couldn't feel it, I had to run and numb, came up.

You know, and the tears came and the grief came. Everything came. And so I would write until I couldn't see and I would stop and cry. And then I would write until I couldn't see, and I would stop and cry. And I cannot really articulate what happened, but I had an experience.

And at one point, I looked up, and I saw the steeple of a church in a in the neighborhood, and I understood. I understood that it was okay. And what I understood was, I don't know. See, my brother John was very, very angry, very angry. And after he died, my parents found, syringes and other things in his room, and we just don't really know what all he was involved with.

But what what occurred to me was I don't know what God might have delivered him from. Yeah. I also understood that at some level, in some way, I knew that my brother, John, knew how much I loved him. I just knew God made that possible. And I also understood at some level, that he knew I knew how much he loved me.

And so he and I had this real love hate relationship growing up. He would he would literally fight me with his fist and I would fight back with my tongue. And we did a lot of damage to each other. And then there were other moments when I just loved him so dearly, I thought my heart would burst, you know. And I've still got a little paperweight he gave me and and just precious, precious spirit he was.

The, but anyway, on that back porch, I'm writing and I and I'm having all these experiences, awarenesses, whatever. But where I got with that was I just knew that all was well, you know, and forgiveness settled in. The I mean, there was no I don't have the power really to forgive anything. I believe to the extent God, I don't even think God forgives us. I don't think God ever holds anything against us.

These are just my beliefs. But anyway, the state of forgiveness settled in. And from that day to this, I walk with my brother in peace and with love. I never could have brought that about on my own. I didn't even need to go to the grave.

It just happened. I don't know what your experience will be like, but if you're willing to just go forward, you will have an experience. Because I I do believe that what God wants to restore us to is that state of wholeness, that state of love, that state of knowing and understanding that we are loved, and that all is well. And we just we get so far away from that. I, told you that Charlie and I, the best we could do was agree to divorce.

The, my sister, when I was, 11, I was convinced that yes, I'm going to talk about it, Marcy. I was convinced that my life would be better. I had 3 brothers. You know, and I was convinced that I needed a sister and that would make everything okay. And my parents were separated at the time, but I started praying for a sister.

My parents had a brief reconciliation, and 9 months later, I had Cindy. And I was convinced she was mine. You know, that's by the way, that set the I mean, that set, another idea about God. That if God really loves me, he'll give me what I want. You know?

And and I man you know, I took that into every relationship. If you really love me, you'll give me what I want. And if you really love me, I won't even have to tell you what it is. You'll just know. Talk about a Santa Claus.

The, so Cindy was born. She, shared my bedroom with me. And when she got up in the middle of the night, I got up with her and just truly, just loved her to death. And she loved me. And my mother, they my parents were separated, so my mom was working some really long hours.

And everywhere I went, Cindy went. Well, when I, discovered alcohol, she was about 5. And I literally turned my back on that little girl. And I truly was her idol. I mean, I was her sister mom.

And, I mean, literally turn my back. I can remember her standing on the other side of our bedroom door knocking and crying and wanting in, And I didn't let her I couldn't let her in because of what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I just walked out of her life. I carry this around. It's a copy of a little letter she wrote me.

February 9, 1980. I didn't get sober until 89. And she's probably 8 or 9. At this time, it says, dear Linda, how are you? I am fine.

Are you going to marry Charlie? I want to meet him. Why don't you come over sometime? Last Friday, I was in a play. It was Cinderella and I was Cinderella.

And you owe me 3 letters now. I didn't copy the picture. I looked at a valentine and drew it as good as I could. How do you like it? Read the valentines in Snoopy and Woodstock.

PS, you owe me three letters. I love you. Love Cindy Kennedy. Like, I wouldn't know her last name but but, I owe her three letters. She was in a play.

She was Cinderella. I was less than 20 minutes away from this little girl And I'm so selfish and I'm so self absorbed and it's so all about me that I'm not let alone pick up the phone. Phone. I'm not responding to her letters and I'm not at the school play. And she loves me and she loves me.

Those are the kinds of harms that I did. I can't undo that. I can't go back and make that different. Well, I did approach my sister and, admitted my wrongs. Told her how I understood I must have harmed her.

Ask her how I had armed her. Ask her what I could do to make it right. And at this time, she had just had her first child, Dustin, and she didn't ask for much. She just said, well, just be my sister again. Be a part of my child's life.

Her childhood's over, but be a part of my child's life. The wonderful thing about the 12th step and practicing these principles in all of my affairs is that if I'm paying attention to that, what that means for me is that I have to listen. My sister didn't ask for much during that setting, but over time as I continued to listen, she continued to tell me exactly what I needed to do. And I was given blessing after blessing after opportunity after opportunity to be there, to be present in her life. Could be God.

Should we get it? The, so I, I started listening, and I started showing up. 3 years later it's funny too. We get sober, and all of a sudden, we want everyone to, like, hand us cookies or something. You know, it's like, why aren't they acting any different?

Don't they believe me? Yeah. 3 years later, my sister wrote me a love letter. Yeah. It's just it's I carry it with me.

I I won't read it, but it's just truly now 3 years later, I emphasize that. 3 years later, I had no idea where our relationship was go would go, but I just, you know, I was willing to go where God guided. She said, be a part of my son's life. So I started being a part of her son's life. And when her second son was born, I was there.

She had a 27 hour labor, and I was there. Yeah. Rubbing her back and just, you know, blessed to be there. The, I have 2 little nephews that I just love and adore. They they are my heart.

When my sister was growing up this is a photocopy, but she would bring home, pictures from school. And the original is, like, red and blue and yellow, and it says, I love you, Linda, mom, dad, in that order. My nephews do they bring me similar, things. This says venom. But this is guy love, you know.

This is what little boys do and and I still get pictures from the youngest one to put on my refrigerator and they're usually, they're usually things that are bleeding and, knives and guns and I'm not getting worried yet but yeah. My sister and I have a love affair today, and it's deep and it's rich and it's beautiful. And it's more than I ever, ever hoped for or imagined or expected. She, well, there's just no there are no words for it. So I continue to make amends 1 at a time.

And I told you that, Charlie and I divorced and Richard and I met in the rooms of AA. And I need to be totally honest. We, we met. We held hands. We tried to be friends for my sponsor actually shop around our first couple of dates.

Honest to goodness. Yeah. She went with us, sat right in the middle. The, the, Richard did something that no other man had ever done before. It just touched my heart so deeply.

I was visiting one evening and, he asked me if I would pray with him. No man had ever asked me to pray with him before. And, of course, I'll pray with you. So we get on our knees, and we say the 3rd step prayer. And the next thing I know, he's whooshed me onto the floor, and he says, do you think it's God's will?

And, and and that's just the kind of fun we had. The, surely thereafter, it wasn't God's will that particular evening, but it was shortly thereafter. And, eventually, you know, how we think, well, you know, we're paying rent in 2 places. That's kinda silly. He spends we spend a lot of weekends together.

So next thing you know, we're combining homes. And and, he tells me very clearly that he would, he would like to wait a year before we get married. That he'd like to get married, but he'd like to wait a year. Now I mentioned that because it's very important to the whole story here. The, Richard, several ex wives, but his first ex wife, the mother of his 2 oldest children, had history, long history.

And at this point, his children were in their early twenties, and I was very, very intimidated by that, very insecure with that. And his oldest daughter was planning to get married. And we were going to the wedding. Well, I was convinced that I could not go to that wedding as his little shak them up honey. I needed to go to that wedding as his wife.

You know, not because of this deep and everlasting love, which I believed I had, but because of what she would I needed her to know who I was. I am always driven. You know, there's always selfishness and self centeredness at play here. I know that today. The only difference today is that I'm aware of it.

My entire life, I was driven by selfishness and self centeredness and thought it was generosity, purity, and, you know, good intentions. The the, I understood, you know, at some level that that was what it was about. And I can tell you today that I had my way. I mean, I do what I do best and I manipulated and I connived and we got married. We were married in May.

His daughter was married in August. I went to the wedding as his wife. The, not proud of that. I'm just telling you that, you know, a few years sober, doing lots of good things in AA. I'm still doing those kinds of things.

The, this journey is about progress, not perfection. If I think I'm ever gonna wake up and be St. Linda, then I'm in big trouble because I'm not. I pray that I continue to wake up and and and be willing to examine my life, you know, and be willing to look at what's really going on. The, and let god take me somewhere.

But, I mentioned that because Richard and I had a had a good happy time together, and we did lots of service together and apart. We took AA into prisons and institutions and and, just the things we do. The things we do in Alcoholics Anonymous and lots of fun and and lots of opportunities for growth, you know, whether it's chicken sandwiches or or whatever. I, I used to refer to him as my my rose, my real rose because real roses have thorns, you know. And if you want if you don't want any thorns, fine, but you're gonna be stuck with a silk rose.

You know, it's not real. The, we, so we're doing our thing, and I'm continuing to make amends. And and I get all my amends. I get current with the exception of my father. And I can't know what I don't know.

But today, I believe it is so important to get current with amends because I don't believe that we get to really be rocketed into that 4th dimension until we're current with amends. If I've made that 3rd step decision to turn my will in my life over to the care of god, I don't believe that happens until I'm willing to be current with my amends. And as long as I'm holding back, I'm managing. I'm managing. And that's that's not what the deal is about.

But my father had hurt me more than I had hurt him, and so I wasn't going. I wasn't making the amends. And I gotta tell you, it wasn't any big stuff. It were things like, as a child, he took us to the circus, and he drank and he passed out and spent half of the time leaned over passed out on me. Now I miss the fact that he took us to the circus.

And what was I doing when I was drinking? Yeah. I was drinking. I can tell you that. You see, I my my alcoholic arrogance, I couldn't see that my dad in the middle of his disease was willing to take his children to the circus.

I couldn't see that because he might have been a real alcoholic, he could not drink. You know, all I could see was he he humiliated me. You know, it was all about how he affected me, and it was lots of little things like that. My sweet, sweet sponsor, Janet, who taught me so much, continue to teach me. And Janet taught me she got a resentment at her sponsor.

And it was justified. Her sponsor was wrong. But Janet was unwilling to do exactly what she had taught me to do. She was unwilling to inventory the resentment. She was unwilling to get free from the resentment.

She stay she hung on to the resentment and she got sick and she got Vicodin and she got a drink and I got to watch it all. I got to watch it all and I got it, you know, I got it. And I, decided that it was time to go make amends to my father. The willingness came. The, so I approached my dad and, sat down and admitted to him all the ways I believed I had been wrong, you know, the usual deal.

And, an amazing thing happened. My father began to weep and began to tell me all the ways that he believed he had armed me. We, we just sat together and we cried together. I didn't try to fix him. He didn't try to fix me.

But what I understand is, if I'm not willing to make the amends, then I don't, you know, I I block off whatever it is God's trying to do, you know. And and God's always trying to love. God's always trying to love, you know, through us, to us. I believe that my father needed the door open to say the things to me as much as I needed to say them to him. And, and we got to just have a different kind of relationship from that day forward.

It was just natural. We didn't it might we didn't go fishing every weekend. You know? He's, he loves the track. I didn't start going to the track with him.

It wasn't like that. It was just natural and easy. The, and that was that was the amends that got me current. I mentioned that because I believe that that was a turning point. That put into motion some things in the spiritual realm that I'm not even aware of.

And it is, it is about living in God's world. And just, briefly what happened after that was, life went on And eventually, I, we do weekend retreats at home where we actually get together on a Friday night and we ask a different person to come in every year, and they facilitate from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. And it's a wonderful, wonderful experience and, you know, kumbaya. Love, love, love. Yeah.

And it is. It truly is. Well, we were Richard and I were scheduled to go to this retreat, and he backed out the last minute and I went on without him. And and sometimes I can become so oblivious to the obvious that I miss what's right in front of my face. And I came home from this retreat, and I don't know if it was the contrast or what it was, but I finally saw that my husband was terribly angry and unhappy and seemed to be blaming me.

And again, there's always at least a few motives that walk with me. I care I genuinely care about him and, cared about his spiritual condition, cared about his sobriety, cared about him. And at the same time, I genuinely didn't get sober to live like that. You know, the selfishness, the self centeredness. And so I did what you all taught me to do, and I walked walked through the steps, wrote inventory, prayed, consulted with my sponsor.

Where I was guided was to suggest to Richard that maybe we needed to live separately for a while, and I'd had a little awakening prior to that. We were laying in bed one night and I realized that I had the power to make him feel different for a minute. I had the power, you know, emotionally to make him feel different for a minute because I was willing to assume that power and he was willing to give it to me. And what had seemed very gray at that moment became very black and white. Yeah.

That's not my job. His happiness, his well-being, his feelings are not dependent upon me or any other human being. You know, it's dependent upon God as are mine. So I, suggested to him that maybe we needed to live separately for a while. He did not agree, and that was okay because I wasn't there to push an agenda.

I was just going where I was guided, and that was fine. He came back about a month later. I'm didn't come back. I mean, we were living in the same house, but he approached me about a month later and said he thought I was right. And so he packed up his stuff, and he moved into the cabin.

And another journey began. I gotta tell you that every day every day I prayed, what do I do about my marriage? What do I do about my marriage? I never ever got an answer to that question. No email came.

No burning bushes. Nothing. Lots of guidance came but nothing about that. The, these steps become a design for living in a way of life. The 10th step tells me that, I have to continue to take personal inventory, that I have to continue to set right wrongs as I go along.

The, and then it tells me that, when these things crop up, fear, resentment, not if but when, the, the instructions for the 10th step, of course, begin on page 84 and it says that, as I begin to make amends, I have to vigorously commence, this way of living. And it's simply for me, and this is just my understanding, the 10th step is about taking the first 9 and living them. I vigorously commenced this way of living and they're pretty much all contained in that little paragraph. It says, we continue to take personal inventory. That's 4.

I can't continue to take something I haven't already done. And so I learned how to do that in step 4. Continue to set right any new mistakes I make as I go along. That's 89. Vigorously commence this way of living as I cleaned up the past.

So while I make I didn't thank God I didn't wait 5 years to start working the 10th step. You know, I don't wait until I'm current with my amends. I start doing it now. Tells me I've entered the world of the spirit. By the time I get to the 10th step, I have entered the world of the spirit.

And then it tells me all throughout the book, I get direction. And they tell me here that my very next job, my very next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And that it is not an overnight matter. It will take it'll continue for a lifetime, which means there's always gonna be more revealed. You know, I'm never gonna, like, get to the end Well, until I get to the end.

The, continue to watch for selfishness. How do I do that? I continue to watch for dishonesty, resentment, and fear. I gotta tell you that at the beginning, the 10th step, I just, you know, I would be living for days in resentment and fear and not even know that's what I was doing. You know, I just get that knot in my belly.

I'd get that attitude going on. I'd get that self righteous indignation. The, and it was just with practice. Eventually, I suffered enough that I would no. That's a resentment.

And I'd sit down and write the inventory. And then with practice, eventually, it came quicker. You know, and today, one of the best places for me is the workplace. I spend so much time there. And today, I know immediately when I wanna start defending myself, I'm afraid.

Yeah. And so today and I had a very recent example of that. My boss called me in, and this was just last month, and said, you know, and he was very, very courteous. He said, basically, he liked everything about me. I love the job I did.

Blah blah blah. But every time he and I have a difference of opinion, the short version is I get hoity toity. I get hoity and I wanna tell him what to do. He's the boss. And, for, like, 3 seconds, I had that feeling of wanting to defend myself and then I thought and I said, you're right.

You're absolutely right. Now thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. That is not how I I do not wanna behave in actions that make you feel that way because that's not it's not the message I wanna send. And you're right, and and I I will be more conscious of that. What a freedom.

What a freedom. I promise you that not I mean, a year ago, 2 years ago, I would have been defending myself. I would have been rationalizing my actions. I would have been all over the place. One of the promises of the 10th step is we stop fighting.

Yeah. Later on, it says, we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. What a freedom. Yeah. Now, that doesn't mean that if someone's not right, I say they're right.

I haven't had that experience, really. The but he was right. And I was able to get it like that. But that's after 15 years. Yeah.

I'm a sometimes slowly. But if I practice, then when these things crop up, I see them more quickly and I know exactly what to do. And I have to wear them for a while to recognize them. I know after many, many experiences in the office where I wanna I've had times where I've had to excuse myself because I knew if I didn't, I was gonna reach across the table and do physical harm. I mean, in the office.

It's, it's not a pretty world. The, so we watch for these things. And when they crop up, not if, we ask God to remove at once to remove them. That's a prayer. We ask God to remove them.

Well, again, I don't always see them. Sometimes I have to write the inventory before I even understand what's going on. So that's that's just a process. We discuss them with someone immediately, sounds like a 5th step, and make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. 9th.

And here's the piece that I always forgot for the longest time. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. Not I'm right, which is where I wanna go. And then we get a whole set of promises.

By this time, sanity will have returned. We'll seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. I understand today that I am powerless over alcohol. I understand today that I do not choose not to take a drink.

I don't choose not to take it. I cannot take a drink today. God has restored me to sanity. I can no more choose to take a drink today than I could choose not to take a drink 16 years ago. That's my experience.

And I've been in situations where drinks are there. I've been in hotel rooms that have mini bars. I just I can't do it. Now that doesn't mean I haven't had a thought. I can remember the first time I saw the Zima billboard.

I thought, oh, I wonder what that would taste like. But it wasn't an obsession, you know, it was a thought and then I thought, oh, yeah. Right. You're missing something, Linda. You know?

And say a prayer and go on. I understand today the difference between a thought and if it's an obsession, I'll drink. You know, if it's a thought, I can pray. I can move on. I didn't have that freedom before.

If I thought it, I did it. And it wasn't just about drinking. Yeah. He goes on to say in step 10 we react sanely and normally and we will find that this has just happened automatically. We'll see that this new attitude toward liquor has been given us without thought or effort on our part.

It just comes. I used to take issue with that. It's like I've done a lot of work. What do you mean it's no effort on my part? And it really wasn't.

It really wasn't. The things I've been working on are relationship with the source. You know, what the steps do is the steps give me a way to grow in relationship with the power that keeps me sober. I don't keep myself sober. I don't change that within myself.

A power greater than me does that. And in order for me to live happily and serenely and sober, I have to engage in having a relationship with this power. The, it goes on to say we're not fighting it nor are we avoiding temptation. We've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. The problem has been solved.

Doesn't exist for us. We're not cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. This is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. The, one more thing that comes to mind that I wanna point out with regard to the, the 9th step.

It says, somewhere that the reason we work the reason we make amends is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. Back on page 77, It talks about our real purpose, and I missed a small word in that the first time I read it. It says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to to god and the people about me. So I was saying yes to everything. There was no prayerful consideration.

There was no thought about what other commitments do I have, How much sleep do I really need? Should I make time for dinner? No. It was just, I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. And then I was start raving nuts. There's a wonderful little story that has nothing to do with AA, but it's about 2 woodchoppers. There's probably a more technical term for that. But these 2 woodchoppers, one decides to challenge the other to, contest.

And he says, I'll bet I can chop more wood in a day than you can. And so they agree, and they meet. And they get together at sunrise and they're gonna chop until sunset. And the first guy is just working, working, working, chopping, chopping, chopping. And midmorning, he looks over and he sees the other guy sitting down.

Okay. Keeps chopping, chopping, chopping. Later around lunchtime, he looks and the other guy's sitting down again. Well, this is gonna be a cinch. You know?

What's this guy thinking about? And this happens a few more times during the day. Well, at the end of the day, they're comparing. The first guy can't believe it. So I don't get this.

I chopped all day long. I looked over here and at least 3 or 4 times today I saw you sitting and doing nothing, yet you've chopped more wood. I don't understand this, how this happened. And the second guy says, well, what you didn't see was every time I sat down, I was sharpening my saw. And that's why I need prayer meditation.

That's why I need the 11th step. You know, I've got to pause, you know, I've got to sharpen my saw. Otherwise, I'm just who I was before, but I'm real busy doing it. I get to, at 8 years so of sobriety, I get to take a look at my relationship with money. Now up to this point, I had been in debt, out of debt, in debt, out of debt and, you know, various men and their wallets in between.

I thought that I was living the 7th tradition, which is about being self supporting, declining mean, for me, that just wasn't a problem. Well mean, for me, that just wasn't a problem. Well, when Richard moved out, we agreed that we were leasing at the time that when the lease was up, if we hadn't figured something out, we would be financially independent until we did figure something out. And that time came. And I've got to tell you, I'm just crazy because I've got lots of debt, you know, and not a whole lot to show for it unless you count all the plastic stuff, you know, from Walmart and Target.

The, the, tons of debt. And, I wanna file bankruptcy and I go see an attorney and I even leave a retainer, but it's bothering me and it's bothering me and it's bothering me. And a lot of people, loving, well intended people in this program, were supporting me with that. And bankruptcy is the spiritual solution for many. It is.

It just wasn't my solution, You know, and the book tells me that, I have to face my creditors. I have to lose my fear of my creditors. And for me, I just, you know, this wasn't about some medical trauma, you know, that I couldn't take care of. This was about Visa and Mastercard and clothes and makeup and junk. Okay?

And, so I I got to do what you all taught me to do and and, I've got just a bit of I've got that inventory with me. And and if you'll allow me, I'd like to share it with you. The prayer was, God, thank you. And please help me to grow toward what you'd like me to be. I understand intellectually that I should pay my bills, but in my heart, I want the easier, softer way of bankruptcy.

I'm angry at myself. Why? Because I can't buy what I want to for people for Christmas and or birthdays. It affects my self esteem. I think I'm someone who ought to be able to buy gifts for others.

I hold myself in higher esteem than all the other people in the world who can't buy gifts for others. Ego places me above others. It affects my ambitions. My plans for a happy Christmas and birthdays always include gifts. It affects my personal relationships.

I've always used gifts as a way to show my love and appreciation of others. It affects my security. Of course, what will they think? You know, if I don't show up with good gifts, what will they think? I'm angry because I I can't buy what I want to for myself, including getting the kind of apartment I want when my lease is up.

It affects my self esteem. I think I ought to be able I ought to be earning enough and or be able to manage my finances to the degree that I can provide for my own needs and some wants. It affects my security, things, clothes, cosmetics, outings, household goods. They all make me feel a part of, equal to, and okay. Sound familiar?

It affects my ambitions. My plans are to dress the way I'd like, look as good as I can to others, go and do the things that demonstrate to the world around me that I'm okay, and invite people into a home that reflects the same. It affects my personal relationships. Friends may not invite me to join them if they think I can't afford it or Friends may not invite me to join them if they think I can't afford it, or worse, they might feel compelled to treat me out of pity. And for God's sake, don't feel sorry for me.

I me. I'm angry because I got myself into all this debt, and I'm angry that there's no easy way out of it. I can't won't accept responsibility for it. It affects my emo financial security. I could have the things I want if it weren't for the debt.

Duh. It affects my ambitions. If I commit to paying my bills, I can't live the way I'd like to materially. It's all about me. Self esteem.

I'd like to find a way to file bankruptcy and not experience guilt. I'd like to be a thief without spiritual consequence. I hold myself in higher esteem than the rest of society. I'm so special. The rules shouldn't apply to me.

And then when I sat in the prayer and meditation, I realized that I'm not really so angry with myself as I am afraid. I'm afraid that I can't buy gifts for the people I love. I'm afraid that I can't buy what I want to for myself. I'm afraid of not getting the right kind of apartment. I don't like my symptoms, the moodiness, the sadness, and the immature attitudes and actions.

I'm spiritually sick. How can I help myself? God saved me from being angry. My mistakes. I'm selfish.

My gift giving always includes the hope that they will like me more, love me more, know that I love them more, and thus create closer, more secure relationships. I will be your favorite, your best aunt, sister, daughter, fill in the blank. I'm dishonest. This one's obvious. I spend money I don't have.

I'm willing to live the lie to get what I want and need. I'm self seeking. I crave the self gratification of gift giving so much that I've been willing to go to any lengths in my debt. I'm frightened. I've always been so afraid that they won't know how much I love them.

I'm selfish. I don't wanna give up personal pleasures in order to meet financial responsibilities. 8 years sober. I want to keep my cake while I'm eating it too. I'm dishonest.

I don't want others to know the truth about my finances. I'm self seeking. I wanna look okay to others in order to feel okay with me. I'm frightened. I'm afraid I'll lose or won't get things that make me feel okay.

I'm selfish. I don't wanna let go of my money for bills. I'm dishonest. I got here because I wasn't honest with myself or others about my finances. My financial actions were always dishonest and never reflected what I could really afford.

I'm self seeking. I hang on to these immature ways because they allow me to do what I want rather than what I should. I'm frightened. I'm afraid that that part of the change in the 7th step will be learning to live with poverty. I, and then my prayer was I've been wrong in living such a dishonest life.