Workshop titled "A Day In The Big Book" in Charlottesville, VA

Cell phones are run to the bathroom. That's just my mind, Lynn. Welcome back. Before we leave chapter 4, which by the way isn't interesting, we have 4 chapters for the first step and one chapter that's entirely devoted to the second step. A lot of good stuff there.

On page 52 of chapter 4, that's, devoted to the second step. Many of you, I know, are aware of the bedevilments. Page 52 talks about, the problems I have, you know, that, have really nothing to do with a drink. And, just quickly, it talks about we were having trouble with personal relationships. I've experienced that sober.

I couldn't control my emotional nature. Sober in a meeting room. I was a prey to misery and depression. Sober. Couldn't make a living, or at least couldn't make the living I thought I ought to be making.

Had a feeling of uselessness, Full of fear. Full of fear. Was unhappy. Couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. And then the question is, wasn't, a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than what's on the news tonight?

Yeah, it is for me. But watch my actions. What am I doing? You know, maybe I'm not watching the news, maybe it's CSI. But it is amazing how easily distracted I am.

So I need the steps. I need guidance. I need clear cut direction, which by the way so many promises in this book they go way beyond the 9 step promises which where I'm from we hear those all the time the 9 step promises, but there are promises with every step. 1 of the first is on the cover page where the book tells us that this book is the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. You know, and I was taught that I don't have to be in recovery for the rest of my life.

Yeah. That the book suggest and it it doesn't suggest, it states very clearly throughout, that we we are men and women who have recovered. Now, I'm not cured. I can't go out and drink socially. But I can and have recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I don't suffer, from the obsession to drink today. And because of that, the phenomenon of craving isn't an issue. And my spirit is more whole than I ever dreamt it would be. Now there are you know, there's more to do. There's more, you know, obviously, you know, more to learn, more to grow.

But if it never got any better than it is right now, you know, I'm blessed beyond measure. No complaints, you know, from where I sit. None whatsoever. But the, and the other promise that comes to mind is, in the forward to the first edition, It talks about how, again, we are men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. My friend Mike talks about, you know, if if you've broken your arm, you're going to go to the hospital and you're going to go to the emergency room and you're going to have surgery and you're going to expect to be in the recovery room for a while.

I mean, that's just part of the process. You've got to get the emergency care. But you don't expect to live in the recovery room. I mean, eventually, you want the treatment, you want to go to a regular room, and then you wanna go back and join your you know, go back to life. You know, your home, your your community, your work.

It's, I think it's a it's a beautiful thing that we can look forward to that. The and then we're given a statement of purpose. It says to show other alcoholics precisely. How we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. So we've got lots of beautiful literature that we've published, but it's this book, Alcoholics Anonymous, whose main purpose is to show us precisely how we have recovered.

Don't have to guess at anything, it's all laid out. Now if you're like me and you try to do it on your own, you're probably gonna have problems. I just I read this book I read this book I read this book and it didn't come alive until someone read it with me. And I don't know why that is, but it just is. Well, yeah, I do know why it is.

It's because the someone who read it with me had experience that they were passing along with it. And so the words came to life. But, but anyway, the the bedevilments, those are the things I want help with. That's what makes sobriety painful. Always being full of fear, not, you know, having no control over my emotional nature, not being able to be a part of anything.

I do want answers to that. And, on page 55, it promises me that the consciousness of my belief is sure to come to me. That's a promise. I mean, and I won't go through them all. You we don't have time for that, although I'd love to.

The, but the 4th chapter is just immense and and powerful and and, continues to reveal itself to me. And, that then takes us into the 3rd step. And the 3rd step was where I was paralyzed for a while because I thought I had to understand god, and I thought I had to turn my will and my life over to god. And I didn't have clue about either. I had no clue what god I I laid awake several nights, trying to understand what god was.

The closest I came was some sort of course, I'm the 11 year old who stood on the corner, of course, I'm the 11 year old who stood on the corner and just believed that if I thought hard enough, they would find me and take me where I really belonged. Honest to goodness. I mean, I would stand on the corner when I was 11 years old. I knew that I wasn't where I belonged. I hadn't found a drink yet.

And, and I really thought, you know, that this other life that was out there would would come and get me. But, the 3rd step just paralyzed me for a minute because I couldn't understand God. I didn't have a clue, and the things I thought I understood, thank goodness I was willing to let go of those ideas and turn my will and my life over, I don't have a I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. And thank goodness that I eventually understood that the third step is not where I turn my will and my life over to the care of God.

I would have no more idea how to do that than I would know how to perform brain surgery. The, third step is where I make a decision. And it is a powerful decision, an important decision, a life altering decision, but it is just a decision. And it took me a while to understand that. The, the beauty of of what's laid out in this book is why would I wanna make that decision to begin with?

You know, made a decision to turn my will in my life over to the care of God as I understand him. Well, I don't understand him. Why would I wanna make this decision to turn my will in my life over to something I don't really understand? For me, it was about understanding that I don't run my life well. And my sponsor helped me look at that.

Now it was it was not clear to me at first. Yeah. I'm sitting in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, having come to my living room dying and, living in a house that was a beautiful house, but I wanted it to burn down because I didn't wanna clean it anymore. Married to a man who was a great man, and I just daydreamed about he either running off with someone or dying a quick, painless death. I didn't want him to suffer.

And wishing that I would get fired from my job because I didn't wanna go there anymore and incapable of taking any action. No. I don't have I run my life. I'm doing a fine job. The, at the beginning, it was just making a decision and my sponsor helped me with this that maybe, just maybe, God had a better idea of of what my life ought to look like than I do.

And if I'd be willing to try that and work the rest of the steps, I could change my mind at the end. And so I thought, okay. And the book says having, you know, made that decision, we then launch into a course of vigorous action. Now today, the 3rd step, Wow. You know, today the 3rd step, having had, as many of you have had experience with living this life, today the 3rd step is more of an awareness.

It's an awareness and the thing that's coming to mind is, in January, I had my annual mammogram. And I was, called a little bit later and told that, you know, there were some changes and I need to go for some better imaging. And so I made that appointment and I was at the office last month, the day of this appointment, and leaving the office to go for this better mammogram. And, the, and I'm doing my little conversation with God and I'm praying, you know, your will and then I'm like, I don't want this, you know? You know, you gotta know God, and this is how I commune with God.

I'm just telling the truth. You know? I just you know, I don't need this. I don't want cancer. I don't think there's anything I can learn from it.

I'm just telling you, God, that, you know. It just really it doesn't seem right. It doesn't suit me. And, and I hear myself and so I, you know, I got that out in the open and then I experience and I understood. I don't have to turn anything over.

I am in god's care. You know? Prior to the mammogram, after the mammogram, I am in God's care. I don't have the words to articulate this, but all was well. It didn't matter.

Honest to goodness, it did not matter, what the outcome was. I went for the extra super duper imaging and, there's, there there is this little cluster of stuff and so they wanted to do a biopsy and it was nothing. You know, this 90 percent certain it's nothing. And, and so eventually, we did the biopsy, and everything's fine. But everything was fine before everything was fine.

Yeah. It just was. And I that's just a miracle for me. I mean, that's I stand in all of that because I'm the kind of woman that, you know, even a few years ago, I would have been it would have been all about me and my feelings and my fear and my future and blah blah blah blah. And I would have lived in the wreckage of the future before before any mammogram, you know, just that's where my mind goes.

I didn't do that. I didn't do that. That's just that's just what happens, through these steps as we become more and more willing to surrender. Anyway, I, there is a little bit of, of, information in chapter 5, which by the way, chapter 5 covers a whole bunch of steps. We've got steps, 3, 4, 5.

No. 34 and 4 in chapter 5. The, but on page 60, after, you know, how it works in the ABCs, it says being convinced we were at step 3. And I was asked, what are you convinced of? Well, I'm convinced that I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my own life.

I'm convinced that no human power can relieve my alcoholism. Really? Really? You know, sometimes I you would have thought by the way I acted. I thought my sponsor could relieve it.

Yeah. Or I thought the right mentor, if I get the right spiritual guide, that'll relieve my alcoholism. That god could and what if he were sought. Just have to seek, don't even have to find. But it says being convinced of those three things were at step 3, and then it says, what do we mean?

What do we do? I needed to understand the answers to that. Gives and then it tells me. I love it. And it asks a question, then it tells me.

The first requirement is that I be convinced that my life run on self will is not a success. And it was suggested that I read these these next few pages in the first person, and I do. And I say I do because I still do. Anytime I'm starting to feel a little twisted, I pull this out and I start reading in the first person. And whatever I'm twisted about is what I insert there.

It says on that basis, me running my life, I am almost always in collision with something or somebody even though my motives are good. I'm just trying to help you. I try to live by self propulsion, which is another way of saying self will. I'm like an actor who wants to run the whole show. I'm forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest the players in my own way.

I get such a beautiful visual with this. I love the theater. I like to go and and see plays and and, I can see myself you know, the actor has a role. The actor has a script. It is the actor's job to read the script and perform the role.

But I am like the actor who wants to say, well, you know, we need a little more green in the scenery and those lights could be a little brighter. And by the way, why don't you do something about that prop? And, you know, when you come out here, you really need to emote a little bit more. And that's me. That's me.

I wanna run the whole show. I'm certain I know how it ought to be. I'm certain I know. And if my arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wish, the show would be great. Everybody, including me, would be happy.

Can you relate? Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements, I I may sometimes be quite virtuous. I may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, modest self sacrificing. Yeah.

Sometimes I might be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. I'm gonna have very traits. What usually happens? The show doesn't go off the way I planned. And I think life doesn't treat me right.

So what do I do? I get a bigger hammer. I'll talk a little louder. Maybe if I say it slowly, you'll get it. Still the play does not suit me.

Admitting I might be somewhat at fault, I'm sure other are more to blame. I become angry, indignant, self pitying. What is my basic trouble? Doesn't say alcohol. Am I not really a self seeker even when trying to be kind?

I'll teach him to tie his shoes so that I will feel better. Mhmm. Am I not the victim of the delusion that I can rest happy satisfaction and happiness if I only manage well? I'm delusional. I mean, that's what they're saying.

I think that if I can just get a certain outcome, get you all to behave, act a certain way, think a certain way, feel a sir I really need you to feel a certain way, then I'm gonna be okay. I spent my entire life trying to get people to feel a certain way, my parents, my siblings, everybody. You know? I needed you to feel a certain way so I would and I don't know what other people feel, you know, but I'll I'm great at mind reading. I mean, I can look across the room and and look at your expression and know exactly what you're thinking and what you're thinking about me.

I mean, these are the old ideas that get in my way. The, if I only manage well, is it not evident to all the rest the players that these are the things I want? And don't my actions make each of them wish to retaliate? Am I not even in my best moments sober, spiritually fit? Am I not even in my best moments a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

This is sober. This isn't drinking. This is sober. I am self centered, eager centric, as people like to call it nowadays. And then they talk about the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine complaining of the sad state of the nation and does nothing.

And all these examples, these are people who complain and do nothing. And then they tell me on page 62, they don't tell me that my real problem is drinking. In fact, we don't really hear a whole lot about drinking, from this point on. It says selfishness, self centeredness, exclamation mark. That we think is the root of our troubles.

And here's what I'm driven by, a 100 forms of fear. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid. I am so afraid. Self seeking, self pity, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate.

Sometimes they hurt me seemingly without provocation, but I invariably find that at some time in the past, I've made decisions based on self that placed me in a position to be heard. Now I invariably find this in inventory. I don't invariably find this just sitting down thinking hard. Yeah. And I don't find it when you tell it to me or point it out to me either.

Then I just become resistant. Anyway, it tells me my troubles are of my own making and, another real important thing on this page says that, we must be rid of this selfishness, we must or it kills us. Doesn't say alcohol kills us, it says the selfishness kills us. It's the selfishness that led me to I mean, I'm an alcoholic who believes I ought to feel good all the time. I'll go to any lengths for that.

Yeah. Any lengths. I'll hurt anybody to try to manage how I feel. Above everything, we must be rid of this selfishness. We must or it kills us.

And then they tell me God makes that possible. Why don't the way I read it, it's not that God makes it possible for selfishness to kill me. I read it that God makes it possible for me to be rid of it. I cannot free myself of selfishness. If I could, I wouldn't need Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wouldn't need God. I wouldn't need you. I would just free myself of the selfishness, and I'd be fine. But I can't. In fact, it goes on to say that I can't reduce my self centeredness by wishing or trying on my own power.

I had to have God's help. And then they tell me the how and why of it. First of all, I had to quit playing God. Well, before I can quit playing God, I have to understand how I play God. I I gotta tell you, I didn't get it at the beginning.

I had to have a sponsor help me see the little ways, you know, and then they were just little ways and but it was enough. It's like, okay, you're right. I do try to manage outcomes. You're right. Mhmm.

The, one of my biggest experiences was in early sobriety. My husband and I had this house up for for sale, and we had this antique dresser in the in the, bedroom. And there was one drawer that was a little off, And so and it was his sock drawer. And so to close it properly, he had to lift one corner and push it in. He would never do that.

And so every morning, this drawer's like, with this you know, you can see the sock stuff. And I'm just enraged. We can't sell this house if that drawer's like that. Go and fix that. Push that drawer.

Push it in. Doesn't he have any more sense now? What's the matter with that? Never said a word, you know, but but I'm gonna have to go fix the drawer so we can sell the house. I mean, it doesn't take much for me to get caught up in playing God and and creating hell on earth, you know, the, and then be resentful for him and him the rest of the day, and he doesn't have a clue.

He just what is wrong with her? Can't close a drawer? Yeah. Yeah. So I had to quit playing God, it didn't work And then next, here's the decision.

Hereafter, in this drama of life, God was going to be my director. Arch through which I passed to freedom. And, today, when I revisit the 3rd step, what it boils down to for me today is that I'm making a decision that as of this moment, as of this moment, I'm no longer going to be driven by my fears, my insecurities, my self centeredness. As of this moment, I wanna follow God. I just wanna go where he guides.

And I don't know how to do that, but I'm making a decision to do that. What have I got to lose? What have I really got to lose? And, I don't think it's any coincidence that they say we thought well before taking this step. Yeah.

And when I as I walk with women, we go home for a week and they think well. And then we come back the next week, you know, and then we say the prayer. And the prayer is pretty awesome. And there's no amen. You know, the prayer To to take away, our difficulties.

I used to think that my difficulties were you. The, it talks about relieving us of the bondage of self that we may better do God's will. Take away my difficulties, not so that I'll feel better. I mean, this I said the prayer, but what I heard were a lot of different things. What I heard when I first started saying this prayer was relieve me of the bondage of self that I met may better do your will that I know I know what your will is, and it's my will, and take away my bondage of self so I can better do our will via takeaway my difficulties.

Again, it's it's you all and, you know, how you're acting and treating me and and, may I do thy will always yeah. It was the best I could do. It was the best I could do. What I understand today is my difficulties are not about you, my difficulties are not about my circumstances, my difficulties are about how I react to life. And as I practice the rest of the steps and in particular the 11th step, I get to see that change.

The change doesn't come from me, but as we live, as we get on the spiritual walk, and as we just do what suggested, it's amazing what we get to see in our own lives. You know, and that's what I need to pay attention to is my own experience. In the 10th step later on, it talks about by the time we're there, our job is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. For me today, to the extent that I understand my own experience and continue to understand my own experience, to that proportion am I more effective in the world around me? You know, and they just go hand in hand.

I don't understand my own experience when I'm living a life of distraction. Yeah. I can get totally disconnected from my own experience. But anyway, this prayer, actually, at one when when it really, turned for me was when I understood that most of my life, this is how I treated men. I offer myself to you.

Build with me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self. Give me what I need. Take away my difficulties. Pull out that magic wallet.

Yeah. The, that was just my own personal awareness. But but today I understand that, this decision is is just that. It's a decision. It is the bondage of self that is killing me.

At first, I wanted to do God's will. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. At first, I just wanted something different. Okay?

I just wanted something different. And if that was called God's will, okay, let's go see. Today I have a genuine desire. I have a genuine desire. I don't know where it came from.

The, but then it says, take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Thy power, thy love and thy way of life. And, we just had this long page after page discussion about selfishness and self centeredness being the root of my problem, and the prayer isn't about, you know, take away my difficulties so that I'll feel better. The prayer isn't take away my difficulties so that I'll live better or be more prosperous or or or know you better. The the prayer is take away my difficulties so that others will be helped.

Take away my difficulties so others can see your glory. Yeah. And so we begin. You know, we begin this journey. The, and then we get a set of promises, on the top of page 63 that are often felt quite strongly and often not.

But the, what happens a lot in the meeting rooms I go to, are people do the first three steps and then they stop. They stop. They they feel better, they're not drinking, life's better, remember what I did last night, you know, people are treating me a little better. And there's that big boogeyman called inventory. And I don't know about your community, but in mine, a lot of people are scared to death of inventory.

I might feel, I might cry. You know, I I mean, I I'm recovering from a disease that was killing me And I'm afraid that if I sit down at my kitchen table, I might not be able to control how I feel when the alternative is to pick up a drink and go do the things I was doing before? I mean, if I think through this, it's pretty insane. And yet at home, we kinda contribute to that. We have a lot of people that talk about inventory like it's this big scary thing, and it's not.

It's not. It just it just and anyone and and many in this room have written inventory and they can tell you it's not a big scary thing. It, it's an experience that changes each time. The first time I wrote inventory, I understood because I a sponsor who helped me that it was about it's actually 3 inventories. It's about resentment, it's about fear, and it's about conduct.

And I had pages and pages of resentment inventory. I knew why you were wrong. I knew who had harmed me. I knew what they had done, and, I was easy to write about it. And the conduct, especially from a sexual point of view, pages and pages of that or misconduct, I could not connect with fear.

I just couldn't. I had fear of death and fear of rats, and I just couldn't make the connection between, resentment and fear. But I did the best I could. I did the absolute best I could, and that was the best I could do. Do.

And I took it to that sponsor, and I sat in her living room for many hours, and I shared. And she listened, and she shared. And I cried, and we laughed. And and, for quite some time, Janet had been telling me that she loved me. And it didn't really mean much to me because I knew that's what people in a did.

You shake hands and you say, I love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. This particular afternoon after sharing that inventory, she looked me straight in the eye and she said, I love you.

And, and I believed her. I believed her and I began to have a spiritual experience, which is exactly promised. And with the 5th step, it says we begin to have a spiritual experience. And I think that is and I don't know, but I I think based on my experience, that's about coming back to this world, you know, and being one of, you know, and I can't even say again because I don't remember ever being one of. But in her living room, I knew that she loved me.

I didn't understand why and it was okay. And I also understood that if she loves me, just maybe maybe God can too. And, she sent me home to do step 6 and 7. And she told me exactly what the book tells me. Take an hour.

Be quiet. Carefully review the first five steps. I went home, and I did an alcoholic hour, which was about 40 minutes. I, I sat still for a little bit of it, and then I just kinda walked, you know, and thought. I did the best I could.

I did the best I could. And then, and I called her and and we we eventually I said the prayer and then we said the prayer together. And, then she said, okay. We'll get together and we'll start making that list, that amends list. Now Now the 6th and 7th step, and I'm gonna talk a little bit more about amends or, inventory too, but the, the 6th and 7th step at the beginning, and for quite some time were just intellectual.

You know, they were just they were just into and there's only a couple of paragraphs. And, I didn't you know, there just wasn't that much to it. And and it it's in the next chapter, Into Action. And isn't that interesting? Into Action is where we go into steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, interesting?

Into Action is where we go into steps 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. One chapter, and, all those steps are in it. And it does require action. The, we go from our kitchen table to some of the action. The, we go from our kitchen table to someone's home and and we share what we've written And, and on page 75, talks about we're given the 5th step promises in the middle of the page about how if we're thorough and withhold nothing, you know, all these things begin to happen.

I gotta tell you that when I was finished with that 5th step, I did not experience anything on this page. I was exhausted. I felt numb and depleted. I did not feel like I could look the world in the eye. I did not feel like I could be alone at perfect peace and ease.

I didn't feel my fears fall from me. In fact, when we prayed, Janet told God that I had told her everything, and I'm wracking my brain thinking, oh, gosh. What if I didn't? You know? But, but anyway, I did eventually experience those things.

But I I went home and and the book says, we we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Wasn't that interesting? I've just done the first five steps and they're suggesting that I know God better by now. And, and then it tells me to, to go to the step that contains the first five proposals, the first five steps. And then they give me all these construction analogies, which basically says, have I been thorough?

Have I left anything out? What I did then was just I mentally went through the first five steps, read them. And that was what I did. What I do today is I revisit the first five steps. And I ask myself, what's the first step mean to me today?

I'm powerless over alcohol. What do I understand about that? How about my life being unmanageable? And if I've written inventory, my fear inventory has shown me all the ways that I've been trying to manage my life and how it doesn't work. Yeah.

And then so it's like, okay, I get that. 2nd step, what's my conception of God today? Well, again, my fear inventory has you know, I've looked at self sufficiency and, how it fails. And the reason I'm back managing my life is because I'm an agnostic. I doubt God.

So what's my conception of God today? And after decision today? And then the 3rd step, you know, what what am I really willing to do? Am I really willing to turn my will in my life over the care of God? What is it I still think I need to manage?

And and I just walked through all that. And then my inventory. You know, what has God revealed to me this time? And I'm a firm believer that inventory is not where I find out who I am. No.

Inventory is where I find out who I'm not. You know, I, I believe that we were all created, you know, by something bigger than us, and that we were created perfectly. And I know that at an early age, I started working on that. I started recreating myself. And in fact, my entire life has been about creating myself for you rather than revealing myself to you.

You know, at some point, I got lost in the process, you know. And these these things that I have built up over the years to protect myself, to survive, to exist, are just things I've layered upon what was created. And in inventory, I get to see how the things that used to enable me to survive are killing me. They're killing me today. And so I look at that, And to the extent that I truly find it objectionable and that's the question the 6th step asked me to ask.

Yeah. To the extent that I find these things objectionable, and I believe in direct proportion to that, am I going to have the willingness and the readiness to be changed? You know, the 1212 talks about, we don't wanna be so greedy that we'll rob a bank, but I'll cheat at the office. Yeah. We don't wanna be so lustful that we'll go out and commit a crime, you you know, but I'll flirt with your husband.

You know, the subtleties, you know, continue to be revealed. Inventory after inventory. And I don't I can't I can't become willing to be changed if I don't know about it, if I'm not aware of it. Everybody else may be aware of it, but but if I don't have the awareness the willingness and the awareness, what am I taking to God? Nothing.

Just an intellectual thing. So anyway, it's a process. And 6 and 7 are so pivotal for me today. At the beginning, after I did 6 and 7, then I thought I was supposed to go fix myself And because I'd seen in my inventory that I was selfish and dishonest, I thought, okay, now I'm gonna go practice being honest, and I'm gonna practice being unselfish. And those those are good things to do, and I can do that.

I can change my behavior. I can change especially if you're watching. But the essence of who I am, what really drives me is beyond my ability to change. I can't do it. If I had the power to change myself, I wouldn't need step 6 and 7.

I wouldn't need I wouldn't need this program. I wouldn't need God. I don't have the power to change myself. If I have the willingness to be changed, the change has begun. That's been my know, it comes.

So the, so what I do after the 7 step prayer is exactly what the book suggests. It talks about, faith without works is dead. Now a lot of people in my hometown hear about the 9 step promises, and they hear about 90 meetings in 90 days. And they wonder why 90 days later, they still feel horrible and they haven't experienced any of the promises. And I think that's tragic.

And I don't think anyone is I don't think anyone means anyone any harm, but I think we do people a great disservice when we read those promises and we don't explain that, you know, these promises aren't what you get halfway through your 90 days. These promises are what come about in the making of amends. And it's my belief that that decision I made in the 3rd step begins to be consummated in the making of amends. See, up until the making of amends, it's just me and my pen and my paper over then my sponsor, a few prayers, no real action. You know, when it's when it comes time to make amends, then I have to go where I haven't gone before.

You know, and see situations unfold over which I have no control, over which I've given up all control. And the formula I was given for making amends is pretty simple. I was wrong. I was wrong. Here are the ways I was wrong.

I caused you harm. Here are the ways I understand I caused you harm. Now my arrogance at the beginning told me that I knew exactly how you were harmed and I knew exactly how to amend you. And so I showed up prepared to amend you the way I knew you needed to be amended. I had to make amends for a couple of those amends.

The formula I was given was I was wrong, here's how I understand I was wrong, here are the harms I believe I caused. Please tell me. Please tell me the other ways this affected you. And I listen. And then the most important thing I ask is, what can I do to make it right?

Please tell me what can I do to make it right? Well, that opens it up, doesn't it? Mhmm. And then we get all the fear, oh, what if they want this? What if they want that?

What well, have you put your life in god's hands or not? I've never ever had anyone ask for something that I couldn't give them. Yeah. Never. Now, obviously, if someone was crazy, I would probably say something like, I have to check with my sponsor.

But I just haven't had that experience. But I understand the fear, and I understand, you know, my sponsor, different card along with the contact information, a summary of the harms. And, and she told me I can make 3 stacks, the yes, I'm willing to do these amends, the, maybe, and the no heck no stack. And what I discovered was, the willingness came, but I had to start somewhere. Anyway, going back to, inventory, the, and that's where the list starts at.

We start with inventory and we start pulling names off there, and then others will come to us, or maybe they won't. But, later on, what I discovered was that, inventory wasn't something that, I had to just do once a year. Inventory's a way of life for me now, and it doesn't have to be a big deal. After, after, I got sober, eventually Charlie and I did agree to divorce. And it was just the best thing we could do at the time.

Hindsight's 2020, and I understand today what I didn't understand then, but everything's in God's hands. Anyway, after, he and I, divorced, I met Richard in the rooms of AA. And, you know, we both like to believe that we were friends first. We tried to be friends first. We were driven by lust.

And, but we tried real hard to hold hands and to do it differently. And, and eventually eventually, we were together. We were married. And and they're, and it was a garden of opportunity. Relationships are a garden of opportunity for spiritual growth.

One of my favorite quick little amends that I like to share, and I here's the piece of paper I wrote it on originally, just this little piece of notepad. And I apologize for those of you who have already heard it, But we, I don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen, and Richard did most of the cooking. And on this particular Saturday, he was out doing something and and, I decided to cook. And so I made this huge meal, everything from fresh bread to dessert. Huge meal.

He, he came home and wasn't hungry. And he wasn't hungry because he had stopped and had a chicken sandwich. Well, I gotta tell you, now I'm I'm a few year I'm like 2, 3 years sober, you know, little miss AA. And in an instant, I went to the dark side. Not only was he not hungry after I had prepared this lavish meal, but he had stopped and had a sandwich and hadn't called me to see if I was hungry.

Yeah. Now I could I it just seems funny today, and it seems silly, but I'm telling you, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how big the resentment is or how important the resentment is. Resentment will kill me. The book tells me that resentment kills more alcoholics than anything else.

I think that means resentment kills more alcoholics than anything else. When I'm harboring resentment, I am blocked from the sunlight of the spirit. The sunlight doesn't go anywhere, but I've pulled the blinds down and it's dark. So because people like you had taught me what to do, I I wrote a little inventory, and I always start inventory with a prayer, and this one was help me know the truth. I'm angry at Richard.

It's that simple, you know. Who am I angry at? Richard. Why? I cooked dinner.

And when he came home, he wasn't hungry because he had bought and eaten a chicken sandwich. Parenthesis. He didn't buy me one. What does it affect? The 3rd column.

And, I was taught to we've got that little checklist in the book, does it affect my emotional security, financial security, sex relations, personal relations, all of that. I was given some questions to ask myself. And I didn't do this with my first inventory, it was more of a checklist. But later on it suggested that to really understand what drives me, you know, what are the fears and the insecurities that drive me? I was given a series of questions to ask myself seating together.

Those were my plans. It affects my personal relations. Doesn't he care enough about me to think of sharing a meal with me? Either the one I prepared or offering to bring home sandwiches for both of us? Where's the unity in that?

Yeah. It affects it affects my emotional security. I would never treat him this way. What is this self centered deal? And to be emotionally secure, I think I need him to think of me, to think of sharing meals with me, to be to feel secure.

And that's the question I ask, what do I think I need to feel secure? And what I learned in those first three columns and by the way, I don't think format matters. Columns, rows, circles, you know, write inventory any way you wanna write it, but write inventory. You know, and and I went through my regimented phase where you had to write it this way or it wouldn't work. And I, thank God, grew out of that.

It's just important to write it. It's the experience. It's not how we write it. It's do we write it. And what I get to see is is it's not about the people.

It's not about what they do. It's about how I react to it. Those difficulties, you know, when I look at what it's affecting, it might plans, my emotional security, my relationships are all in jeopardy because how I of how I react to this. And, and then, something that a lot of a lot of us miss, I did for some time, is, after we write those first three columns, rows, whatever, we're given another set of instructions before we look at our mistakes. And on the bottom of page 66, and I think this is pivotal pivotal because I've written the same inventory over and over.