Workshop titled "A Day In The Big Book" in Charlottesville, VA

Told that this is the volume. Is that good? Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

We had one moment of silence. I'd like to, invite you to share another moment of silence with me, please, and then I'll I'll offer a prayer. Okay. So if you would just gently close your eyes as we settle into the stillness. Dear god, sweet Abba, thank you for bringing us here together today.

Help us remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Help us let go of all the distractions of the morning of yesterday. Help us let go of all the distractions of later and tomorrow. And most importantly, help us let go of the distraction of fear. Let us know that we are safe with one another, from one another.

And we pray especially, god, that you open our minds and our hearts, so that we can see what we have not seen, hear what we have not heard, and go where we have not gone. We do not invite you in. You need no invitation. Rather, we pray for the ability to become more aware of your presence. And together we all pray.

Amen. Thank you. And I I have to thank Allison for inviting me. And Al, for those of you who weren't around yesterday, this man can cook. But they but they have they've opened their homes to so many of us and and made this weekend possible.

And and I just am so grateful for that. Thank you. And it's so wonderful to see so that just truly blows me away. I, I began drinking when I was 15, and if anyone had suggested I had a problem, I would have walked away from that. I didn't even know AA existed until my late twenties.

Didn't even know it existed. My name is Linda Risley. I am an alcoholic, and my sobriety date is October 17, 1989. And I was 31 years old when I got sober or when God got me sober. I almost died getting there.

The, the day, what we're going to do today I really don't know, but, I think what we're going to do today is I'm going to share with you my experience with the steps. The steps being the program of recovery that Alcoholics Anonymous offers. The steps aren't all that Alcoholics Anonymous offers, however. The, in the front of our books, we used to have a circle and a triangle. We don't have it right now.

We will have it again later. But but we used to have a triangle. We don't have it right now. We will have it again later. But but we used to have a circle and a triangle.

And if you do you do tokens in this area? Do you okay. And the tokens have the circle and the triangle, and we very blessed to have been introduced to all 36 principals. And they are very blessed to have been introduced to all 36 principles. And they are all so important in the way I live today.

I absolutely had to have the 12 steps. The 12 steps are what, enable me to live. Yeah. Because sobriety is painful. Okay.

Sobriety is why I drank. Okay. The, it's very, very painful. The, the steps give me a way to live sober. The traditions, are, a set principles that allow me to live with you happily.

And the concepts are a set of principles that show me how to serve and how to allow others to serve. And they just, it all blows me away. It just blows me away. And there's so much yet to learn. But, but we do have, and I heard that most of us are alcoholics.

Some of us still don't know, and that's okay. Some of us may not be alcoholic. And I you know what? I think it's just as important to understand if I'm not an alcoholic as it is to understand if I am. It's critical.

Because until I understand the first step, the rest are going to be meaningless. And the the first step, is we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. We have 4 chapters in our basic textbook that address the first step. Four chapters, beginning with the doctor's opinion. And then we've got Bill's story.

And then we've got there is a solution. And then we've got more about alcoholism. It must be very, very important that they would give us 4 chapters. The first step is so elusive. I'm sure many people in this room know people who are dying from this disease.

You know, we can see it, others can see it, but the denial is so baffling, so intense that those stricken with it don't see it. And I know that was my case. I was dying from the disease of alcoholism and didn't have a problem. The, you had a problem, and I had a problem with you, but I didn't have a problem. The, the first four chapters, which include the doctor's opinion, help me understand with the help of people like you, just what this disease of mind, body, and spirit is all about.

And, the way I understood the way I understood it at the beginning was I just simply didn't. What I understood at the beginning was I came to in my living room, and I had been introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous about 18 months earlier trying to help my brother, the real alcoholic. Bobby was getting DUIs. Bobby was having bringing violence into his home. Bobby was doing all the things that real alcoholics do.

I, on the other hand, my life looked good from the outside. Now it didn't always look good and I got better before I got worse. I mentioned that I started drinking when I was 15. And when I was 15, getting alcohol was just not an easy thing to do. Getting drugs was very easy to do.

And so a lot of the ways that I escaped from life were through drugs. And I've always been an escape artist. You know, when I was very young, it was through books and it was through good grades. I was the little miss goody two shoes, the honor roll student. And I walk with a lot of women today, and I understand that we're either really, really good or really, really bad.

And it's just two sides of the same coin. You know, it's just I'm not part of. I'm not equal to. I'm not eye to eye. I'm not with you.

So I've gotta be here. I've gotta be there because I need more of something. And I was born, it seems, needing more of something. But, I started drinking when I was 15 and up to this point I'd been a little miss Goody Two Shoes. I'd sought more love, more whatever, and all sorts of different avenues.

And the summer that I was 15, I discovered alcohol, drugs, and boys. And my life changed. The, the lives of my parents changed too and everybody who cared about me. My parents watched their little honor roll student, do a 180. Yeah.

Because I didn't need them anymore. I didn't need honor roll anymore. I didn't need the approval of adults anymore. I didn't need any of the things that I thought I needed because I found what made me feel right. And that's all I ever wanted, was just to feel like I was a part of.

To have that that that free floating anxiety go somewhere. Yeah. To To be able to be comfortable in my own skin. I, did not realize then that I suffered from a spiritual malady. Looking back over my shoulder, I understand that I've suffered from a spiritual malady for almost as long as I can remember.

One of my favorite examples of this is when I was 5 years old, I'm the oldest of 5 children. And when I was 5 years old, I can remember sitting on my basement steps with my brother, Bobby. He's 13 months younger than I am. Trying to teach him to tie his shoes, because I'm convinced that if I can teach him to tie his shoes, my father will stop, hitting him in the head and calling him dumbass. And I really need that to happen.

Now Bobby's not complaining about that. And Bobby's not asking me to teach him to tie his shoes either, by the way. But but at 5 years old, I've got it figured out that if I can teach him to tie his shoes, my father will behave differently and then guess what? I'll feel better. Now there's no way I could have known just how selfish and self centered that was, but that's how I've lived my life.

Everything I've done has ultimately been so that I will feel better. And it looked good. It looked like I had a generous spirit, a caring heart, and and when I came into these rooms, I would have told you I'm one of the nicest people I know. Yeah. Clueless.

But, so that's I'm I've managed I I was attempting to manage life early on, early on. And I don't spend much time trying to analyze a whole lot of that, I just need to know that that's what I was and that's what I did. And understanding why or how it happened hasn't gotten me into happy living. Understanding the solution gets me into happy living. And, not to say that some awarenesses haven't come, they do.

It's just that if I focus on the solution, then God tells me what I need to know. So I, discovered drugs, alcohol, and boys that year, And my life changed, and so did everyone else's. And the disease is progressive. Now, what I did not understand at that time, because I wasn't really drinking a lot because it wasn't that available to me. And it if you had looked at me during those years, it would have looked like I was a drug addict.

And when I first came into AA, I used to introduce myself as an alcoholic and a drug addict because I thought I was. And, I mean, I didn't use these things book, we have a couple of places where we talk about the moderate drinker, the hard drinker, and the real alcoholic. And I looked like a hard drug user. Okay? Now, the reason I understand today that I'm not a drug addict is when I was about 21 when I was 21 years old, by that time, my life was insane and I had decided that part of my problem, were drugs and or men, the men I was choosing, not alcohol, I put down the drugs and I started looking for a different kind of man.

I put down the drugs. I walked away from them. I, I understand today that alcohol is not the drug of choice. It's not my drug of So I could walk away from, you know, the Quaaludes, the acid, the everything else I was indulging in. And and when I wanted to, many years later, walk away from alcohol, I couldn't.

I don't know when or how it happened, but I crossed that line at some point and I was literally powerless to not drink. The, so the disease of body that I suffer from, that our book talks about, that the doctor's opinion addresses so beautifully, is this phenomenon that happens, that physically happens. When I consume alcohol, something happens in me that does not happen in a lot of other pea it doesn't happen to my mother. My mother has a couple of drinks, she starts to feel it, she stops because she starts to feel it. She starts to feel powerless.

Yeah. I have a couple of drinks and there's no stopping because I start to get some power. I start to feel in control. I can sit in my own skin. I can be with you.

You know, I can look and be eye to eye. I am part of this world at last. You know, alcohol does something for me. And what it does for me that I, wasn't aware of for a long, long time was the phenomenon of craving. It's a physical reaction, that I believe is no different than diabetes or or anything else that we are afflicted with physically.

When I take a drink, there's a phenomenon of craving that kicks in, and I take another drink. And I take another drink. And I take another drink. And I'm unable now I've kidded myself because there were times I could control my drinking, But the truth is that eventually, I drank beyond my control. I drank more than I wanted to.

I did not trust me, I did not want to lose control of my bowels. I did not wanna drink to that excess. I did not wanna spend the night in our county jail. Yeah. I did not wanna vomit every time I turned around in the most inappropriate places.

Yeah. And knowing what I knew, I would've stopped before that happened, but I couldn't. So eventually, I drank beyond what I wanted to. The, and it's progressive. And throughout the years, I drank for about 15 years.

And at the beginning, it was just weekend stuff. Yeah. And then later, my weekends started on Thursdays. Yeah. And then later, my weekends lasted a little longer and and it just then eventually it was just, well, I need a few on Monday night.

I need a few on Tuesday night. I just need a couple on Wednesday night. And I thought because I was just having a couple on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night, that I didn't have a problem. What I didn't understand was that I had to have a couple on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night. The, so I have this phenomenon of craving that is a physical reaction.

And when I drink, I take another drink and I have no control over that. That would not be a problem if guess what? I didn't take the first drink. Yeah. Yeah.

But I suffer from a disease of mind, and and the book talks about this too, about the mental obsession. And the book talks about how our real problem is really in our mind. Because if the phenom I'm allergic to penicillin, and I discovered this when I was 8 years old. I have not once thought, I think I'll go take some penicillin and see what happens this time. It just doesn't even enter my mind.

The, but with alcohol, it's a different story. I have the mental obsession. And regardless of my past experience, and I mentioned some of it. And, you know, I've got lots of drama and trauma. And my drama and trauma is not what makes me an alcoholic.

A drama and I mean, if the if a saint drank the quantities I did in any evening, you know, that person would run around with a lampshade on their head too, or unbutton their blouse or whatever it is they need to do. Yeah. But the, I've got a mind that tells me regardless of my past experience, regardless of the fact that I did lose control of my vows, regardless of the fact that, I did spend a night in jail, regardless of the fact that I broke the hearts of everyone that cared about me, regardless of the fact that I got into the van with those 3 men that I didn't know because I needed another drink and I sold my soul for it. Regardless of my past experience, I've got a mind that tells me stone cold sober. And here's my insanity, sober.

I've got a mind that tells me this time it'll be different. This time it'll be different. And I take the first drink and I do that sober. That's the nature of my insanity. So and I have no control over that.

I got to a point where I didn't want to drink. I was looking out my living room window every evening watching the happy people walk with their children and their pets up and down the street, and I thought tomorrow I won't drink, and tomorrow I can I can be like that too? And tomorrow came and I couldn't not drink. And for those of you who have been there, you know, that's a despair. That's a loneliness.

That's a horror that is in and of itself a blessing. The, and if I could not drink and go to meetings, I would just not drink and go to meetings. I don't know what it's like in your community, but in my community, we have a lot of people who are very, very loving, and they say many well intentioned things. And they say things like, go to 90 meetings in 90 days and don't drink even if your butt falls off. Well, if I could not drink even if my butt fell off, I would not drink and I probably wouldn't be here.

Okay? I would just not drink. I, there were a lot of things in early sobriety I thought I was doing to keep myself sober. If I could keep myself sober, I wouldn't need Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, in our in my community, we read how it works at every meeting And at the ABCs, it says, no human power could relieve our alcoholism.

God couldn't would if he were sought. No human power includes me and my sponsor and my group. And I absolutely believe today that 90 meetings in 90 days won't keep me sober. A sponsor won't keep me sober. And the only way I make myself available to that help is when I get that I am toast.

And if we could give people that, this church would be full. This church would be full. It's that surrender that comes for me. It was coming to that morning knowing that I was dying. Prior to this, lots of horrible things had happened.

My life looked good on the outside because I was married to a man who took care of me, and I grew to hate him because of it. I didn't know it was self loathing. I just grew to hate him because of it. And, my life looked really good on the outside, but I was dying on the inside. And I came to that morning, and I knew at any moment my insides were gonna burst through my outsides, and I asked a god that I hadn't talked to in a long time, because I was angry.

But I asked this God that I hadn't talked to in a long time to please help me. And the help came. The help came. And I haven't had a drink since, and I don't think relapse is a necessary part of recovery. It happens, but it doesn't have to happen.

You know, and if you're new, you don't ever have to drink again. Not because you have any power to keep yourself sober, but you have access to a power that will keep you sober. The, now all these other suggestions, this 90 meetings in 90 days and get a start those are all wonderful things. And what I believe today is that if I am willing to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, if I am willing to get a sponsor, if I am willing to wear a blue dress instead of a red dress, you know, if I am willing to do those things, then I am manifesting the willingness that suggest I have surrendered and I've got hope. If I'm not willing to do those things, I don't I don't see people without willingness stay stick around here very long.

Yeah. We're just, you know, we're just not done. Surrender is surrender. Same with surrender comes willingness. I don't know how to surrender and then do it my way.

The, and then I have this, so I have this, disease of mind, body, and spirit, and I've got 36 principles. I've got the 12 steps that treat my mind, gives me a new mind. I've got the 12 traditions that treat my body. And by that, I mean, the phenomena of craving is still there. I don't play around with alcohol.

But the body I bring into these rooms, yeah, the the the 12 traditions teach me about unity and how to live with you and how to be with you. Not only comfortable in my skin, but sitting next to your skin. And I didn't know how to do that. You guys scared me to death. Okay?

The, 12 concepts, are the principles that support our service legacy. And as I said, I'm I'm and I'm just beginning to really meditate upon those and and, and how I might incorporate those into different areas of my life. But I think they're very, very important. But anyway, we're I'm here today to share with you my experience with the steps. And that first step, I don't know how we get there, but I know that when we get there, we've got hope.

You know, and it's the despair and it's the hopelessness and and it's the willingness. You know, the willingness to say, I'm toast. I can't do it. I am powerless over matter what. And what I understand today is that that morning, back in 1989, this God that I don't understand, answered that prayer.

He answered that prayer. The obsession to drink obsession to drink was removed by something bigger than me. But then I'm left with me. I'm just sober, and I don't know how to live. I don't know how to live.

And, when I first started coming around the rooms of AA, I was told that, oh, keep coming back, you'll feel better. What they didn't tell me was that I would feel everything better. The pain, the agony, and the isolation, I felt it all and my first 6 months of sobriety were, oh, they were horrible, I walked around with, like, all my nerves were on the outside, and I'd cry 1 minute and laugh the next and couldn't tell you why. I went mute. I mean, I couldn't talk in meetings.

I couldn't sleep. I was up practical I mean, I had all the books. That was good. I read them. Didn't remember what I read.

Couldn't tell you what I read. Didn't know what I read, but I was reading them. And, I was just dark raving nuts. And somehow, one day at a time, I came to the meetings and I felt okay for that one hour. And then I went home and I went to my job and I I couldn't remember how to do my job.

I've been doing it for years years years, but I just couldn't remember how to do it, what to do, how to do it. I'd go home and I'd look at this man I'd been married to, and I'd think, who are you? You know what I mean? It was, it was wonderful. I, I wasn't drinking.

One day at a time, I wasn't drinking. And, months that I was in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I did not ask for a sponsor. I heard, pray. I heard get on your knees every morning and get on your knees every night and I could do that. Go into my bathroom, shut the door, lock the door.

I could do that. I've been doing it ever since. And, but then I I did finally approach, a gentleman in our meetings, a beautiful man named Armand, and I asked him if he'd be my sponsor. And bless his heart, he looked me straight in the eye and said, no, honey. He said, I'll be your friend, but you need a woman's sponsor.

And I am so grateful, so grateful to him because that's exactly what I needed. But I didn't know how to do that. And so I started, you know, watching. And they were all raising well, I might ask her, but I might ask her, but I might ask her, but and there were no it was fear. It was stark, raving fear.

I knew how to be with men. That's how I lived. Yeah. I didn't know how to be with women. Women scared me to death.

I couldn't trust you. You were just like me. You were, competitors. Yeah. And to the extent I had girlfriends, I had 1 girlfriend at a time.

And, it was usually, you know, one of us it was it was leader and follower. Okay? There was no eye to eye anything. So, anyway, I got into a lot of pain, and I was at an alchathon, and, you know, everything good comes to me with a prayer. And I remember just being 2 months sober and just in such excruciating pain and I knew I needed help.

And I there were 5 other guys, it was the middle of the night. It's like a 24 hour meeting thing, New Year's Eve. And I just said another prayer. I said, God, help me ask the next woman that walks through that door to be my sponsor. And he sent exactly the right woman.

He sent exactly the right woman. And when I asked Janet, she didn't say yes, she didn't say no. She handed me her telephone number and said to give her a call. That was the last thing I wanted to do. Yeah.

Tell me yes. Tell me no. Don't make me pick up the phone and call you. It took 5 days. It took 5 days.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to say. So I finally said a prayer. I picked up the phone. She knew what to say.

So if, if that telephone's weighing about £2,000, pick it up anyway. The person on the other end knows what to say. The, Gina began to take me through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, our basic text. And, we've got a lot of wonderful literature. And it's, in fact, when, when I take ladies through the book, we start, literally at the cover page, but there's also a page called other books, and it lists all the conference approved, AA, General Service Conference approved literature.

And I refer to it as reading list. I think it's also very important. The 12 steps in 12 traditions is a wonderful book. Too often, though, I think I don't think I know that people get confused and they think that the directions for working the steps are in there, and they're not. In fact, it tells us on this page that it's an interpretive commentary.

It's an interpretive commentary on the a program by a cofounder. And, you know, I don't even need Webster's to understand what an interpretive commentary is, although I do look a lot of things up. But, but I could I could understand the 12 and 12. You know, when I first came in, I read that and I understood it and I connected. And and I felt, you know, that maybe this thing was for me too.

But there weren't any directions for me to follow. Not really. And so I was so grateful for a sponsor who was willing to take me through the book because I had read this thing. I did a home study program, by the way. Before, before I came into the rooms of AA, I came to my living room in August.

My sobriety date's October. When I came to my living room in August, I had started smoking dope again. One more way to manage and control my drinking. And my husband at the time, we had gone away for the weekend and had a miserable weekend. And, I had been to meetings of AA earlier with my brother trying to help him.

And over the course of that weekend, I'm smoking my dope and I hear this woman who stood at a podium 18 months earlier, and I hear her talking about how smoking dope with her kids was not sobriety. And her voice just echoed through my mind. I had a miserable time, but I knew it was true. I knew it was true. See, what I've been doing up to that point, I came to my living room and I asked God for help, and when I was able to get out of that chair, the big book and the 12 and 12 were in my living room.

They were in my living room because the man I'd been having an affair with had left them there. I'm not proud of any of this, but this is who I was. And this is not who I am today, and that's the miracle. But who I was was, I was married to a beautiful man, a good man, and a friend of the family, a very close friend of the family that was in our home often, was the man who really understood. And, he was a good drinking buddy and, and I had been trying to get pregnant and I had an ectopic pregnancy and It's all kinds of trauma and drama but he understood and he was there for me and and, and it's all about me.

But he was he was trying to get sober and had left those books there. And see, God loves us so much. God loves us so much that the moment we turn and ask for help to help us there, he will use everything available. He will use everything available. That's been my experience.

So, anyway, I came to and those books were there and and I picked the big book up and it opened to chapter 3 and I read it and I understood it and I knew I knew that the nature of my insanity had a name and it was called alcoholism. And even importantly, I knew that there was hope and that there was help. And so what I did, I didn't come to meetings or anything like that. I went to our central office because I knew this guy would be coming back for his book. And, I went to our central office, and I bought the big book, the 12 and 12.

I saw they had pamphlets. I bought some of those. I made it very clear that these were for a friend. And I went home and started my home study program. And what I did was I didn't drink, but every night I rolled a joint and I studied.

And I worked the I don't recommend this. Please understand I do not recommend this. It was very painful. But I started working the steps in my head. And every time I had worked one, I drew it on some sketch paper with colors and and that's how I worked the steps.

And I got up to the 9th step and I was going to make amends and he and I were going away, Charlie and I were going away for our 8th wedding and I was going to make amends, which meant I was going to confess. And and I knew that by confessing, he would see what responsibility for making that decision. Now I didn't get all that at the time, but I get it now. God kept me quiet. Instead, my head was filled with this woman from that AA meeting 18 months earlier talking about smoking dope with your kids isn't sobriety.

And I knew she was telling the truth and so I went home, I rolled everything I had and, and the following Monday morning became my sobriety date, like, without, anything in my system. And then I came to meetings. So I am a sometimes slowly. The, so I, in October of 89 is when that began. New Year's Eve was when I got a sponsor, and Janet began to, to take me through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And like I said at the beginning, all I understood about the first step was that I was toast. I was dying and I needed help. What I understand today is the first step is not just for newcomers. There's no question in my mind today that I'm powerless over alcohol. And to tell you the truth, alcohol just really isn't an issue in my life.

I am free. I'm free. I'm free to go anywhere, do anything, and I'm not gonna get struck drunk. And that's by the grace of God. However, I still try to manage my life.

Yeah. I still try to manage my life because I have the spiritual malady. And Janet, my first sponsor summed it up so beautifully. Early on she said, honey, she always called me honey, You need a name tag that says, hello, my name is Linda, not God. What are you talking?

I didn't get it. But, but I understood enough about the first step that I had the surrender and I was willing and I would have done anything that woman said and I did do anything she said. The, the second step, at the beginning, you know, came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity. I, I thought that the second step was where I was going to be restored to sanity. And I didn't understand why I still felt so squirrelly.

And thank goodness for sponsors and folks like you because you helped me understand that I am not restored to sanity at the second step. I'm restored to sanity at 10th step. You know, and that's where the promise of sanity is. By the time I get to the 10th step, it says that sanity will have returned. You know?

And I of course, I'm I'm a Moore child. I want it now. The, there's a a beautiful chapter, chapter 4, we agnostics, that, I still it's so rich. I still learn so much from it. And, one of my greatest blessings truly is is the beauty and the blessing of being able to walk with other women through these steps because it, I just it comes alive every time I open the page.

And in chapter 4, it starts off with one of the best summaries of the first step. It says, if when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely entirely, by the way, means entirely. You know, I thought, well, I can quit for a while. No. It doesn't say that.

You know? So if you if when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, I was only gonna have 3. You're probably alcoholic. And if that be the case, go to 90 meetings in 90 days. No.

It doesn't say that. It doesn't if that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Am I willing to embrace that idea? Yeah. Now at the beginning, I could not have told you, oh, yes, I I believe that I suffer from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

I couldn't have told you that. What I could have told you was I'm dying and I want help. Yeah. I cannot live like this any longer. Please help me.

Continue to learn is that it is the spiritual experience that I need. I am so spiritually experience that I need. I am so spiritually thirsty. I believe I was born spiritually thirsty. You know, I've just always needed to be part of something else.

Goes on to talk about how the choices we have. To be doomed to an alcoholic death, sounds lovely. Or to live on a spiritual basis, are not always easy alternatives to face. Why would that not be an easy alternative? I've held the hands of loved ones who have died.

And if I had told them, you're gonna be doomed to a death from cancer or live on a spiritual basis, and do you think they would have hesitated? No. Only people like us will hesitate. It's, I it's it isn't so difficult. But this chapter goes on and on and on about how we have to find a spiritual basis of life.

Lack of power is our dilemma. Now at the beginning, what I needed to know, what my sponsor pointed out to me was that all I needed to make a beginning was to either believe in or be willing to believe in a power greater than myself. It doesn't take a lot to just be willing to believe that there's something bigger than me. Although if you judge it by my actions, that's hard to believe at times. But if we just ask ourselves, are you just willing to believe there's something bigger than you?

Then that's a you know, we can be on our way. We can we can get on with the rest of the steps, which I did. Now, today, the second step is huge. The second step is huge. It was pointed out to me that an agnostic is a doubter.

You know, an atheist is certain. An atheist is certain that God doesn't exist. An agnostic doubts, and that's me. Well, I don't doubt that god exist. I know god exist, but I doubt that god loves me the way he loves you.

I doubt that I can have the experience you're having. I doubt that god wants me to really be happy. I doubt that I'm gonna get what I need to be happy. I doubt. I doubt.

I doubt. This chapter, I think, could be titled, Doubt and Prejudice. And throughout this chapter, it continues to suggest that we set aside prejudice. Set aside prejudice. And it was explained to me that prejudice is a prejudgment.

It's an old idea. You know, I came in here with some really squirrely ideas about God. I believe that because, when I was 17, I met the first, man of my dreams. He was 10 years older than me. I was in the hospital with hepatitis.

This is a year after having open heart surgery. And, I'm in the hospital with hepatitis, and I meet Barry. And Barry was there with a broken leg. Barry was affiliated with a motorcycle club. And Barry was exotic.

And Barry noticed me, and that's really all it took. And so at 17, when I went home from the hospital, I packed my bags, I told my father I was going to spend the night with a girlfriend. I left and I never went back. That's what I do to the people who care about me the most. And, and I moved in with Barry, and and Barry didn't have a typical job.

Barry engaged in retail transactions from home. I had arrived. And it was insane. And there was all kinds of drama and trauma. There was abuse of every sort.

I didn't know until then what it was like to have a gun pointed at me, my face. I didn't know what it was like until then to be beat with a belt. I've got scars to prove it and yet I kept going back. Tell me about insanity. But what's really important about that period of time is I mentioned I have 3 brothers and a younger sister.

I, I sold my brother, I sold my brother, Bobby, a large quantity of drugs believing that he would share them with me. And, he didn't. But he had a horribly tragic experience. He overdosed and he was in bad shape. It tripped a switch in his mind that, it was pretty severe.

Shortly after that, and he had no business driving, but shortly after that he and my other brother John got into a truck and they headed north And that night, I get a call from my father that there was an accident. Bobby had hit an underpass, and, he had a broken nose and a broken ankle, but my brother John was killed instantly. His skull was crushed. And it took the emergency personnel 3 hours to saw the truck open, and they reported that during that 3 hours, Bobby was conscious. About this I mean, I can go there, but I don't know how to feel that.

I don't know what to do with that kind of grief, with that kind of guilt, with that kind of sorrow. I don't know how to feel. And so I did what I'd always done. I run and I numb. I get a drink and a drug and I shove it down deep.

Well based upon that experience, I didn't know for many, many years that god's getting me back. See, I had this idea that god's getting me back and I deserved it. I deserved it. By the way, we buried my brother. My parents did the most horrible thing a parent has to do.

They buried a child. And I showed up physically, but I was not present. I was not present for my parents. I was not present for my brothers. And this little girl, Cindy, who was, she was my sister child, I was not present.

You know, I we buried my brother, I did it with a drink, and life went on. But that, that was one of the ways, and there were many others. I formed ideas about God based upon my experiences and conclusions I drew. Nobody told me god's out to get you. Nobody told me.

He's gonna punish you. The, Chapter 4 talks about the consciousness of your own belief will come to you, that deep down within is the final reality. And what I've come to believe is that my conception of God, and that's what chapter 4 takes me through and there are beautiful exercises there. I had a bunch of stuff on disc, and I left it at home. So I'll email it, and I'll share this stuff with anyone who wants it.

But I was told to go through this book or this chapter and pick out spiritual terms and ask myself what they mean to me, and there were lots of questions here to answer and and to answer that. But at one point, it says that, the great reality is deep within. And see, I didn't have a conception of God. I really didn't. I didn't know what it was.

I knew what I thought the church said. I knew what I thought my parents said. I knew what I thought my husband said. I knew what I thought based upon nothing other than this mind, you know, this mind that said, it'll be different this time. And what I've discovered and continue to discover with the second step is that the the great reality does lie deep within.

The conception of God that I am to embrace is already within me. The way I discover that is through the steps, I become free of the lies and the old ideas. And chapter 4 says over and over again we beg of you, you know, set aside the prejudice, set aside the old ideas. And I was told that I didn't have to throw them away, and and I have found that, you know, for those for there are many of us in the program who grew up in a very organized religious environment. And that can almost be that can be very scary to even suggest that you set aside some old idea because you're gonna be damned, you know, and and and just all kinds of things.

But what was suggested to me was you don't have to throw anything away, just put it on the shelf like you would your sweaters, you know, in the spring. You can pull them down later, but if I am willing to just set aside my old ideas, maybe the consciousness of my own belief will come to me. Yeah. And it does, and it continues to, but it doesn't come because I sit and think about it. And I wanted that.

I thought, well, if I just think hard enough, you know, maybe I'll understand God. It didn't happen that way for me. If I will do exactly what's suggested and walk this walk, take this journey, I get to know a God of my understanding. I don't need to know about God, I need to know God. You know, and I get that through the steps and through this journey with you all.