Hazelden in Center City, MN

Good evening. Good evening. Hi. My name is David and I'm, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, David.

Hey, it's nice to be here tonight. I'm not used to speaking in front of big crowds, so, you know, bear with me if I get a little lost here tonight. It's it's really an honor to be here to, share my experience, strength and hope tonight. Yes, not in a 1000000 years did I ever think I'd be at this lecture and, you know, talking about, alcoholism. This is a special place for me.

This is where I made my beginning. This is where I got my life back. And you know, I'm passionate about it. And it's, you know, it's an amazing thing. You know, I found out on Thursday that I'd be speaking tonight.

And Thursday is kind of a busy day. And I'm up here with a couple of my old roommates from Shoemaker and, you know, it's crazy. Thursday, we have home groups in my area and the home group is, we have this, big book study group called There Is A Solution. And the meeting was at my house Thursday night. And, you know, by the time everybody gets out of there, we kind of shoot the bull after the meeting is over.

And, you know, I got everybody out of there. And I was out in the driveway talking to my sponsor. And my wife and my daughter were coming back from walking the dog. And my daughter was riding on her little scooter. And I was sitting there with my standing there with my sponsor, and, you know, they're laughing and, you know, dog smiling.

They're smiling. And, he looks at me and he goes, you know, that's the promises of this program. It was a shattered house before I, came up here and before I went into Alcoholics Anonymous. She used to shutter when this guy my daughter did when this guy who's now my sponsor come around. You know, she just knew that there was trouble going and, that was a special thing.

We got my daughter to bed, my wife and I. We were up in my office and I pulled out the book and, you know, I went to how it works. And, you know, they tell you how it works, our stories disclosed in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we were like now. I told my wife, well, that's what I you know, that's what I got to do. She goes, well, you can get 2 thirds you can get 2 thirds of that done.

And I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes, I don't think you remember, you know, what it was like. And, you know, I told her she'd been drinking too much of that Al Anon Kool Aid and she better cut it back to just 2 cups a day. And then I reminded her that I wasn't even an alcoholic till I married her anyhow, so. Hey, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'll tell you that straight up. But, you know, I mean, that that's that's bullshit excuse me, that's bullcrap, you know. I was a stone cold, alcoholic at a very early age. So we sat there, and we reflected about what had happened. You know, I walked in here a broken man on September 13, 2003, and, I was coming apart at the seams.

This stuff had done a thorough job of kicking my butt and it's only been a year and a half and we were talking just how unbelievable it's been. That's my message tonight. You guys can recover. You can recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. I mean, that that's a promise.

You do the work, you will get better. It's, you know, you're talking you're looking at a guy right here that could not not drink. It you know, not in a 1000000 years. So we're sitting there, we're reflecting. It's about 11 o'clock and the phone rings.

You know, we're having a good time. I mean, this this is happy times. This is, you know, we're we're sharing joy together. And, 11 o'clock, there's nothing good happening. When the phone rings at our house at 11 o'clock, there was a couple of guys AWOL for the home group.

So I figured that maybe it's one of them. And, you know, I answered and it wasn't. It was this woman that, my wife's working with. And, you know, I could hear this gal crying on the phone and I could hear the kids in the background, and, you know, and I could hear the husband, you know, screaming, you know, who the hell are you calling right now? You know, it just brought back to me, you know, here it is, 11 o'clock.

She's got a couple little kids and, you know, she's reaching out for help and he's screaming and it just brought back all the chaos and carnage that, was part of, this disease. I mean, this disease is, is absolutely brutal. It wants to kill you, it wanted to kill me. The collateral damage is, it's astronomical, you know. It it it it might be tolerable if it just killed us, you know.

We're killing our wives, our sons, our daughters, our husbands, you know, everybody around us, our mothers, our fathers. It's, it's absolutely absolutely brutal. So my wife goes and takes the call and, you know, I thought about what she said. You know, I I'm real good at selective memory. You know, I'm real good at, dressing up the story of what it used to be like, you know, to my benefit.

I want everything to my benefit. I want what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. You know, I, I like to remember it the way I like to remember it. You know. I I'm real good at justifying and rationalizing anything I do.

So I I'm doing it's something I have something here that, you know, I'll let her tell you what I used to be like, You know? We'll we'll get an honest opinion. My counselor is also here and, a couple other people that that know what exactly what I'm all about. So I can't I don't I don't have any fancy fanciful stories for you tonight, you know, though because they'll call me on my shit. And, you know, this is a thing they send out to concerned, people, husbands, wives, you know, I don't know who else.

You know, my wife gave me a copy of it. She made a copy. She didn't, she she didn't leave many blank spots, you know. So, you know, it says, type of chemical problem, alcohol and drugs, you know, pattern of use, continuous and progressive. That's my drug use.

Pattern of alcohol use, continuous and progressive. Duration of alcohol problem, 20 years. She knew me for 20 years. I, I I was, a full blown alcoholic at the age of 17. I'm convinced, duration of drug problem, 20 years.

I mean, this is beautiful here. Describe patient's attempt to stop, chemical use. And she checked self and then she checked Alcoholics Anonymous with the footnote that I attended only to pacify others. And, I didn't really attend that much. I went to a couple meetings here or there throughout our 14 year marriage.

I I I had 2 brothers that sobered up in alcohol. It's anonymous. There was a lot of guys at work where I worked and sobered up in alcohol. It's anonymous. And been people have been trying to help me.

I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if you're going to try to do this to pacify others, you're wasting your time. Was the patient advised by a physician that chemical use was injuring his or her health? Yes. It is liver enzymes, high blood pressure, bloating, weight gain, diagnosed with depression. You know?

You know, crap. I was depressed. You know, it's it's brutal. And as the patient stopped participating in social events, you know, we haven't really participated in social events because David's drinking, you know. I'm holding these people hostage.

You know, she didn't go anywhere with me. You know, as the patient shown a loss of interest or participation in family activities. In the last few years, David's drinking has become so severe that he would drink by himself at our lake home. Family activities went around as drinking. We would not see him for days while he drank.

I didn't come home. My father was a drunk and, you know, I didn't want my daughter to see it. That didn't prevent it from, you know, affecting her. You know, I go to work on Monday morning and sometimes I wouldn't come home on Friday. And, you know, I didn't think that was unmanageable.

You know, this is the kicker here. Here's my triggers. This is beautiful. My trigger list. You gotta love this, you know.

Stress, she writes, job, not enough sex, nice weather, out in the boat, bad weather, boredom, had a bad day at work, had a good day at work, vacations to cope, fun, hangover. Yes. No excuse needed. He just drinks, you know. I'm the real deal.

I'm the guy on page 21. I'm a real alcoholic. My trigger was that I woke up every morning, you know. There's a and that's the honest to God's truth, you know. And I mean, you know, and I can look back and laugh.

I'm not that serious. But I mean, it's, you know, I picked up that phone on Thursday night and listened to woman with those poor kids crying in the background, her husband screaming at her to get off the phone, you know. I mean, this is sick stuff. But, I you know, that was it. I I in 3 parts of this, the body, mind, and the spirit, you know.

I had an internal condition, you know. Don't get me wrong. Alcohol was unbelievable. Alcohol worked for me for a long long time, you know. Alcohol took all took care of all that stuff.

I started drinking when I was about 13 years old. And, you know, it took care of the anxiety. It took care of the fear. It took care of whatever depression. It it, you know, square peg trying to go into a round hole.

You know, alcohol worked and it worked great. Drugs worked, and they worked great. You know, I'm, mainly an alcoholic, but once you get drinking, there's there's not a drug I ain't gonna take. So, you know, but, in in this stuff worked and it worked and it worked great. You know, it took care of that internal condition.

It medicated the spiritual malady for, you know, for for a long time. You know, I I won't get into too much of the rest of this. I will get into some of this family stuff. They ask I And every time I go out to California, David goes on a drunken binge and I gotta come home. You know, I'm tired of trying to hide and cover up our problems at home.

You know. You know, I'm killing her, you know. I'm holding her hostage. That that that's what I'm doing. If I wanna look at that honestly, you know, I'm holding this but she's a human being.

She you know, you guys are don't I have no right to do that to anyone but I'm so full of selfishness and I'm the only one I care about. I don't give a shit about her. I think she's overreacting. You know, I'm just a guy's guy. I just like to go out downtown and have some fun, you know.

I will not go to any social activities with David. I hate vacations and holidays. I feel I cannot go see my family because something always happens at home with David. I do not like social events because I worry the whole time about David. David, David, David, David.

So that's the only person I was thinking about, you know. I see she suffered from panic attacks. Her hair was falling out. She had anxiety. She couldn't sleep.

Weight loss, weight gain, eczema, migraine, shaking, you know. She felt that God was punishing her for something. You know, it's hard not to cry. She felt that God was punishing her because I'm a sick freaking drunk and I won't do anything about it. I don't have the courage to do anything about it.

I knew there was help out there. My brother got sober in 1975. Almost the same dates I came walking in here. I came walking in here September 13, 2003. On September 14, 1978, my brother did my parents did a little intervention on me.

I was 17 years old. I was a senior of high school. They took me to Lutheran General, which was a 28 day inpatient treatment in Park Ridge, Illinois. You know, Elton John went there. It was, you know, these highfalutin joints.

And, I don't remember anything from it. You know, since I've sobered up, I've been over there to that hospital to bring in, sell, you know, some of our fellow guys to bring them in there over to detox. And, you know, the treatment center is closed because these insurance companies aren't paying for this anymore because people come in and out, in and out, in and out, and then they're sick of it. You know, so most of these treatment centers are closing. And, the only thing I remember is my roommate looked at me and he's probably the guy about my age because what are you doing here?

You know, I you know, I've thrown up more than you drank and I'm going right on, partner. That's right where I, you know? Yeah. What am I doing here? You know, I'm 17.

You know, I couldn't take the first step when I was 17. I'm not admitting, unpowerless over anything when I'm 17. So, I mean, this is this is what I used to be like. You know, I'm not I'm not gonna really get into many more specific war stories. You know, we don't have much time left here.

You know, here's the thing on war stories, you know, my own war stories never kept me sober. You know, I'll hear this at meetings, remember your last drunk, play the tape through. Hey, that didn't work for me. Remembering my last drunk never kept me from picking up picking up another drink. I'm an alcoholic because knowledge of the fact that I have no control once I stop once I start drinking it never stopped me from picking up the next drink.

I knew it was gonna happen when I picked up that drink but I needed that sense of ease and comfort, brother, because it I'll tell you what, at the end when that stuff started working for me, all those internal conditions that it was treating, all that depression, all that fear, all that resentment, all that self pity, all that anxiety, it doubled. This alcohol wasn't taking that pain away anymore. It was doubling that pain. I couldn't drink and I couldn't not drink, and that's not a real good place to be. And, you know, may my war stories aren't gonna keep you sober, you know.

Scared straight, in my opinion, I and I've been out there in the trenches this last year. I I don't think scared straight works, you know. I don't think I can scare you with my stories, so, you know. I italicized on page 24 of the big book. It's a textbook.

The whole, you know, it's a 164 pages to finding God and getting your life back. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reason yet obscure, have lost power of choice in drink. Our so called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. Here's the kicker. Here's here's why my war stories aren't gonna help you.

We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation even a week or a month ago. You know, I forget if I'm not dead on Thursday or on Friday night, you know, I don't care what just happened. You know, I I got here a week late. I was supposed to be up here a week before I came. You know, yeah, it's full self pity.

I said okay I'll go to treat and get me in. By the time she got up to our house in in Wisconsin, I was drunk again. I wasn't going anywhere. You know, my brother-in-law and my sisters, they throw me in the car. I jumped out.

I was going 20 miles an hour, you know. I ain't going there, you know. It's kind of funny. I didn't even spill my whole drink. I had a big 32 ounce plastic thing with about 20 ounces of rum in it.

Yeah. No. Unbelievable. And, you know, I went home and thought I locked myself in our cottage. Next thing I know, I wake up and there's 6 sheriff's deputies there.

You know, I told them that I didn't think it was a problem being drunk and stupid in my own house. I didn't think there was a law against that, but there there's a law against making suicidal threats. Because at the end, I want I I I man, I I was so close. I was a couple of drunks away from a 110 milligram Valiums, and I had them right in my house in a quart of rum. You know, you talk about an easier, softer way.

I wanted to check out, you know, in easy way. So let's swallow the pills, drink the rum, night night, you know. So now they grab me. They gave me a breath test. 0.42, strap you down in nice little ambulance ride up to Wisconsin, to Milwaukee and, you know, you know, I'm locked down in the psych hospital.

You know what I'm thinking about? I'm not thinking about my wife. I'm not I'm thinking shit. I gotta be at work tomorrow. That's what I'm thinking about.

I'm thinking about me. What am I gonna tell them this time? It's Monday, you know? So, you know, I got out of that place on, Tuesday and, I'm going too long in this war story crap. Well, anyway, I got out of that place on Tuesday, and and and I came up here to get the heat off, you know.

She told me on Tuesday, no uncertain terms, I either made a decision to come up here and try to get better or, you know, I could go beat feet. And I was afraid to go move downtown Chicago by myself. I didn't think I'd make it, a few months. In fact, I was told by some people that suffer from this disease that I wasn't gonna make it. So I came up here, and that's when I started getting better.

You know, but I I came up here because the the burner was on, the heat was on, you know. I I didn't have anywhere else to go. I was tired, man. I walked in this place. I was full of fear, anger, reset.

I I was I was just beat up, You know, the stuff that you know, I'll thank alcohol for the fact that it it kicked the defiance right out of me. You know, you guys are looking. People are in here, you know, thinking about this first step right now. You know, the first step is about surrender. It's not about compliance.

If you're in here to pacify others, you're wasting your time. You're wasting your counselor's time. Just keep your mouth shut and don't hurt the guys that wanna get better. You know? And and I hope I'm not, you know, coming off too strong.

You know, this is serious stuff. We're not you're not joking around here. This is gonna kill you. It wants to kill you. My alcoholism doesn't want like meetings.

My alcoholism doesn't like getting me getting up at midnight to go over to drive drive to someone's house and try to help them, try to explain to them what alcoholism is about. Alcoholism is not about all my stupid stuff. Alcoholism is about control. You know, you wanna qualify yourself. It's a bit to qualify myself, you know, I I guys that is they took it from the book more about alcoholism.

The idea that somehow, someday, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. Control. It's not talking about whether I'm fixing and getting divorced. It's not talking about how many DUIs. It's it's asking me whether once I start drinking, whether I can control how many I drink.

That's what makes me an alcoholic or not. We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. Page 30. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. Page 30.

All of us felt at times we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief or inevitably followed by still less control which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. It's what it did to me, You know? You know, I I hear people at meetings, you know, say that their worst day sober is better than their best day drunk. That wasn't the case with this cowboy. I'll tell you that right now.

My best day drunk was a lot better than my worst day sober. You know, I I had some good times with booze, but they but the end of my drinking, it was no no fun no fun at all. So I come up here and I go through the motions, you know, and, I dry out. Most importantly, I dry out. I get this crap out of my system for 30 days.

I hadn't gone 30 days with some kind of mood changing chemical in my system since I was 13. Now I'm not a you know I'm not a Skid Row bum. I'm pulling down some good some big large downtown. I'm making some some scratch. You know, I think I'm a fun I think I'm a big shot.

I think I'm a functioning alcoholic. You know? I got a couple of houses. I'm taking nice trips. I got nice cars.

I got money in the bank. It's a joke. It's a joke. That almost killed me. You know, if I wasn't self employed, I have lost a job 20 years ago.

You know, so I come up I I came up here and and I got, you know, I had a counselor that told me the truth. Told me what I was. I was the real McCoy. I was a late stage chronic alcoholic and it was gonna kill me and then it wasn't a joke and then it wasn't about me. You know, everything was about me, you know, and we're selfish, self centered SOBs, you know, and we don't think about anybody else.

So I came up. I I did this thing half assed up here to to be perfectly honest with you. You know, but I but I came in here and I listened, you know, and I listened for the similarities and not the differences. And, I'll watch my time here. I ain't going to keep you guys too late.

I listened to the similarities and not the differences. And I tell you what, the stories are all the same. You know, I didn't read this book when I was up here. But by the way, it's a it's a good idea. It starts with the doctor's opinion, then it's a 164 pages.

It'll save your life. You might wanna read the thing. I mean, you're spending $20 to spend 28 days up up here in books. It's, I mean, a 164 pages. You don't have to read the stories.

It goes goes to right here, you know. I didn't read it when I was here. But, you know, you gotta leave this place. I didn't get sober at Hazelden. Hazelden's special to me.

I may may my beginning at Hazelden. You know? I I don't even think I entirely took the first step when I was here. You know, I went through the motions and I wrote some bullcrap 4 step, and I went over and did some 5th step with some guy I'd never see again and, you know, and, you know, whatever. I mean, it's how I've lived my whole life.

I'm, you know, again, you get better in 28 days. See, but you gotta leave. I started getting scared, you know. I all of a sudden, I I I forgot what it was like to sleep. I'm sleeping now.

You know, I'm in 3 squares a day. It ain't bad. It's a pretty nice place. I go to treat some treatment centers in the Chicago area. I'll tell you what, you guys got a plush here.

And, so I gotta go home. And, I know some guys don't make it past that airport when they gotta go home. And I'm scared, you know. And, I changed my flight. I changed my flight till 6:30 in the morning.

I get the first flight out of here. I got a flight out of here before any of those bars opened at that airport because I didn't think I'd make it by that airport. And, you know, I got home and, I got home and and I'm looking at a month's worth of mail. And I'm looking out the window and there's an 18 year old I mean, an 8 year old beautiful innocent little girl out on the at the swing set. And there's my wife watering some plants out on the deck, and I'm thinking to myself, you're screwed.

You know, what's it gonna be this time? You know, is it gonna be a week? It's gonna be 2 weeks? Is it gonna you know, maybe maybe a month tops, I'm telling you, maybe a month, you know. I'll tell you what I was real good at.

I was real good at using my gifts. This is on the bottom bottom of Page 21. I was really good at using my gifts. I'm adding this bolt BS to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself and then pull the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees. That's what I was good at, you know.

That that that's that's all I knew how to do. So, you you know, at that point in time, I I I, you know, I I stood at the turning point and I'll tell you what I asked for his protection and care with complete abandon. I took more steps 1, 2, and 3 in 20 seconds. 20 seconds. 1, 2, and 3.

Although the next day, with my sponsor, we went and did step said the step 3 prayer in a in a chapel. You know, I went back. I got a sponsor that, hey, this is a guy I don't like. This guy is 12 stepping me and I want nothing to do with it. You know, how it works, it says even if the prospect wants nothing to do with it, if the family wants the help, you should offer it to him.

Well, he offered it to my wife and she wanted to help. So my wife starts going to Al Anon about year and a half, 2 years before I quit drinking. You wanna talk about no fun? She you get your wife getting better going to Al Anon and you're still out there, you know, but this was her fault. See, it was her fault.

If she didn't make me sneak around and hide my bottles, if she just let me drink around the house, there's no problem here. You know, I mean, this is none of this is my fault. You kidding me? I'm not gonna you know, I'm a victim here. You know, what a bunch of crap.

You know, just a bunch of bullcrap. So, so this guy is my sponsor. I'm not real big fan of this cowboy. And, you know, he comes over and he asked me what I wanna do. I said, well, you know, wanna quit drinking.

He goes, well, you you know, you take the alcohol out of your partner and you're left with the ism. What's this guy talking about? Man, I just wanna quit drinking. I want this guy to quit coming around my house. I want this back the way I want it, you know.

And, you know, we we pulled out the book and we read the book together and, you know, he he he told me something here, you know, in in the title page. He told me how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism. He told me I could recover from this, you know. He told me I could get better. He promised me this.

He told me that if I did all the work, that I would get I would what was it? God, I hated it when he said it. He goes, you're gonna be taken to a place that you didn't even know exist, partner. What's this old freaking crook talking about? I know it exists.

And I'll tell you what, he told me the absolute truth about that. I've been taken to a place in this pro I've been taken to a place these steps to god. I've been taken to a place that I didn't know existed. The obsession and the compulsion to drink alcohol and use drugs has been removed from me. I'm telling you, man, these guys, the body snatchers, these guys from AAs, I wanted nothing to do with them.

That's what we called these guys. We called them the body snatchers. They're gonna steal your soul at your lowest moment. Watch out for these guys, you know. You know, you you you telling me?

They asked her about my religion. David only goes to church for funerals or a yearly mass for his father. He has stated he doesn't believe in god. I didn't mean to god. God had spewed me over my whole life.

You kidding me? Now I'm gonna ask god to help me get sober after the way I've been behaved. You know, I've broken every commandment except thou shall not kill. Now this is the guy that's gonna save me. The guy I've had contempt for, you know, and I had a guy point out to me, used a good analogy.

He goes, well, you know, what what what would you do if your daughter went to school today and brought a gun and killed 20 people? Do you still love her? Unconditionally. God unconditionally loves you. So you know, why don't you get out of the pity potty and start doing what you got to do?

You know. We have alcohol this is the forward to the first edition. We have Alcoholics Anonymous for more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. So I got home and and I, you know, I asked for his protection and care with complete abandon and we started working these steps.

And I didn't think it was gonna work, but I figured I would do anything this guy told me to do for, know, I don't know, 2, 3 months. And if something happens, something happens. And if something didn't happen, I was just going to go out and try to blot it out as best I could, you know, because it it was intolerable by that point. It was, it was horrible, you know. And, so that day he came over, you you when he asked me, I'm backtracking a little, what do you wanna do?

And I said, well, you know, I wanna quit drinking, you know. But, you know, he he he knows and he goes, well, you know, there's a solution. Are you willing to go to, you know he's he's quality he's qualified me. He's asking me questions. Are you willing to go to any length?

I said yes. I'm not sure if I was, but I said yes because I was scared. This guy was gonna, you know, it's gonna be she's gonna cause more trouble for me if I said no. And, you know, he asked me if, you know, I was willing to let go of my old ideas. If I was, you know, some of this Teflon would fall off of my brain and something other than my own, you know, self satisfaction.

Something could get in there. And, he goes, I'll promise you, you're gonna be taken to a place. And I'll tell you what, he he delivered. It was unbelievable. He also told me after that that if I didn't wanna do that, I could go upstairs and pack a bag because my family didn't want me any there want me there anymore if I wasn't serious about participating in my own recovery.

He told me to be a man, go up and pack a bag, and quit torturing these people. This is great stuff. You know, I'm feeling pretty good. Just pin a star on my ass. I just, you know, I just took a month off of work and came up here.

Pinned a star on my ass, you know. Where were the little yellow ribbons when I got home? There were no marching band or anything. You know, you kidding me? Liquor stores were still open, my drug dealer was still selling drugs, you know.

What's up with that? You know, I mean, shit, we're still finding half pints. I'll tell you. Empty half pints. I'm telling you, we are, you know.

Yeah. Anybody but an alcoholic ever buy a half pint? What do you do with a half pint unless you're drunk, you know? I'd go in and buy buy 10 of them, you know? A guy look at me goes, hey buddy, you can get the big bottle, save $8.

Hey, shut up man, because that's my money. Put those things in the bag, I gotta get out of here, man. I gotta go knock a couple of those things back. I, you know, I gotta get to that spot. You know, I I don't know about you guys.

I wasn't partying anymore. You know? You know, I was drinking. I I needed to to get to a place, you know. I I, you know, I I couldn't live in my own skin.

You know, once I put the stuff in my body, I, you know, I had the allergic reaction that they talk about in the doctor's opinion, and I craved more. And when I didn't have it, I had the obsession of the mind. You know, where is that? Somehow, someway. Oh, yeah.

That's great. Somehow someway I'm gonna learn to control and enjoy my drinking like a normal person. I don't know about you cats but, if I had to my drinking, I wasn't enjoying it, you know. So, you know, that that that was out for me. So, you know, I did the deal, you know.

He told me the people to get bitter better, the people that do the work, you know. There's a there's a, you know, the first chapter is a doctor's opinion. There is a solution more about alcoholism. You know, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're asking you questions in there. You know, if you if you can read those chapters with honesty and it doesn't apply to you, you're not one of us.

You know, I'm not telling anybody, you know, I don't think they make many mistakes when you check check-in here. But if you can read those chapters and they they don't, you know I read those chapters. I think this Bill Wilson's been following me around since I was 12, you know. I mean, it's it's it's it's it's uncanny. And, you know, he told me that god wasn't gonna do for me what I could do for myself.

See, I couldn't just lay in bed and cry in the morning, and I've been a victim my whole life and god, please remove this from me. He told me I had to do some work. You know, this is a simple program but it's not necessarily an easy program. There's, you know, there's stuff required of you. And, you know, he told me I had to take an honest look at myself self in a 4 step.

You know, and he told me I had to pray and try to change myself in step 6 and 7. And out of that 4 step, I got a list for my a step. You know? I said, I've been yeah. I've been hurt.

I've been hurting my fellows. I've been stepping on their toes a little bit there. So So I had to go out and make amends. And he told me that if I did that work, he'd guarantee me. You know, it says in there, rarely have we seen a person fail that has thoroughly followed our path.

You know? Everybody laughs at the statistics in AA, but, you know, these people haven't thoroughly followed their path. The people that I've seen that have come in here and have surrendered, have taken that first step and and and agreed to move on, they get they get better. And it's unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it to watch.

I mean, to to to to watch someone come back from the dead is, the greatest gift that I've ever been given, you know. And I'll tell you what, I had contempt for this book. Shit. I had one of these books when I was 17, you know. This, but it it it's it's it's it's unbelievable.

I'm telling you. There is a solution. You can recover from this. I am not powerless over alcohol today. Okay?

I am not powerless over alcohol today. That's the point of this book. We agnostics. Page 45. Lack of power.

That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves, obviously. But where and how are we to find this power? Well, this might be key. Well, that's exactly what this book's about.

Really? Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. I found that power and that power to me is god. You have your own god, your own understanding of god. That's that's what saved my ass.

Now, I found that power and god removed the compulsion and the obsession of drink, and I gotta follow some simple rules and that will keep happening for me, you know. My life's not unmanageable today, You know? That that first step's written in the past tense. We we admitted we we were, you know, do the work and and you can you can be freed from this stuff. This is the most manageable my life ever has ever been.

I'm not trying to control every little thing in my life like I used to, but this is as good as it's ever been. I'll tell you what, I just want to read you a little something, and then I'll, and then I'll shut up and everybody can get to get to going. This is a couple of paragraphs in the doctor's opinion. And I mean, this kind of sums up the whole deal. God, do yourself a favor.

If you do anything else up here, just just go over the meditation room, try to find a quiet spot, read read the book. It's a 164 pages, man. It'll save your life. It will save your life. You know, you'll you'll you'll get taken to a place.

I'm telling you, you never had a fish. You dreamed of it. That thought that old coo that drank too much AA Kool Aid. Men and women drink a set essentially because they like the effect. And hey, I'm sorry, if you you drug addicts out here, it's you know, same deal.

These steps work for that too. You can recover from drug addiction. You know, I should have been talking about that a little bit, but, you know, kinda new at this. Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it as injurious.

Right? They know it's kicking their ass. They're admitting it's injurious. They cannot, after a time, differentiate the truth from the the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.

It ain't normal. I flew up here with my roommate. We're sitting. We've gotten upgraded to 1st class. We're coming from Chicago.

We ordered a couple diet Cokes. The guy in front of us, it's Friday afternoon. 1st class drinks are free. He tells her I'll have a gin and tonic. Easy on the gin.

But what? Just get a tonic, easy on the gin. I mean, it's a little airplane bottle they're going to put in there. Are you kidding me? I mean, that's that's insane.

To them, they're alcoholic, like, I mean, but that is insanity. See, I thought that was insane, you know, that's a sign that's what suckers do. That's what I thought. I was I was a sucker my whole life till I till I came up here, till I found this program, till I worked these 2 12 steps, until I had a spiritual experience, you know, and it's, it's unbelievable. They are restless to them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one.

They are restless, irritable, and discontented. That's the that that that's the the internal condition. You know, that's the the the disease of the spirit. There's a spiritual malady. Unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks.

The obsession of the mind. Drinks which they see others taking with impunity. Shit. The guy's doing it. Why can't I?

Because you're a once you put one in your mouth, buddy, you can't, stop and that's why you can't do it. After they have succumb to the desire again, as so many do, the phenomenon, the allergy of craving develops. They pass through the well known stages of spree. I mean, is ringing ringing any bells with anybody tonight? This guy's been following me around.

Emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over. And unless this person can experience an entire psychic change, there's very little hope of his recovery. Hey, I'll tell you what. You know, I this this is the real deal, man.

We got cancer. This is like a cancer. You're just you're not up here for a 28 day vacation. If you are, you're gonna go back, you're gonna die. You might not die tomorrow, you might not die what next week, you might not die next year.

It it will kill you. If you are an alcoholic or a drug addict, it will kill you. Usually kills the people around you too, the little kids and the moms and dads, and a lot of collateral damage. On the this is then this is here's the promise, man. This is beautiful.

On the other hand, in strange as this may seem to those who do not understand, once a psychic change has occurred, the spiritual experience, the reason you work the 12 steps, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol. Easily able to control his desire for alcohol. That's the promise. That's the message I have for you tonight. That's an absolute promise.