The Austin Greysheet OA Meeting

Hi. I'm Richard. I'm a compulsive overeater. Hi. My absence is three way to measured meals a day off the grace sheet.

I write my food down, call my sponsor, commit my food, and I weigh and measure and I eat it. And I weigh and measure without exception. And as a as a result of these actions, I've been absent from compulsive overeating since February 15, 1990. Though that was nearly a month ago, today I'm celebrating formally here. I've already picked up my chip.

Funny how little it's the physical parts have become have less and less meaning but they're more symbolic meaning. I think the true benefits actually have been increasing, though it's not obvious. Finally, absence is my most important practice. It's I have other practices. I have other spiritual practices.

I have practices like brushing my teeth and taking a shower in the morning, things like that and I have some yoga practices. But abstinence is the most important one because that is the if I abandon that, the others will fall by the wayside and I had no other spiritual practices before abstinence. I'm gonna talk a little bit about isolation. First of all, I'm gonna give you a little bit of how what it was like, what happened and what it's like now as it says in the big book. You know, when I look back on the the pictures pictures, yes, of my my childhood.

I was sort of a normal kid in terms of, my size. I didn't have a a particularly normal attitude about food. I was sort of had a, power struggle with my mother over what I ate. But, let's see. So I'll just pass all these around and I usually, usually bring on all my chips and I forgot them today.

There's no new pictures in there so if you saw them last year, you've seen them now. And so as I grew into my my puberty, early teens, I would gain a little bit of weight around holidays. Or if we took a trip to visit my sister in New Orleans and we'd eat all the fine food there, I'd gain some weight there. But without particularly large sacrifices, I was able to get it off. And I can remember as early as 13 being aware of that and thinking consciously that, you know, I know I'm getting a little away here, but I'll be able I just have to just take it easy on the food a little bit when I get back and things will be okay.

And it worked out okay for a long time. It turns out that my metabolism is quick enough I guess. Another way of looking at it is that my body is inefficient in the way it uses food. Any case, so what I know now is that I used a lot of calories just by sitting around. One of the things I I've learned recently is rather interesting is that people that that are never seem to put on any weight no matter what they eat.

There was a study done to see like what what is it with these folks and what they found is that the people fidgeted more than than most. Okay? And one of the things I like to do, you can see me now, is get my foot going up and down. And I've noticed, you know, some people do that. It used to drive my mother crazy.

So that's one of the things I attribute to that, my fact that I didn't gain a lot of weight. And I rode bicycles a great deal through my twenties. And when I was about 30 or so, my life changed. I got out of college and I went to work at an office job, And the other things were starting to go on at that point. But one of the things that I always remember is I always felt like the one single odd man.

I didn't feel like the other people and I learned that the things that other people enjoyed doing or the things they would get enjoyment from, let's put it that way, they didn't always work for me. There was something about me that that I would I would behave strange or I'd feel left out. And I understand now that that was my self centeredness to some degree and also some other aspects of my psyche and belief systems that I had bought into that had set up really severe conflicts. But I didn't have any idea of what was going on then. I think it's important to know that for for me to recognize now and to say that the way things seem in abstinence today, there may not be any any clear indications that of why you're here, but we we learn more about our stories the longer we're abstinent and certainly that's been my case.

So at some point I got married. I got married when I was actually 23. But my wife became an alcoholic. Started drinking alcoholically sometime in my 30s and I became a workaholic and the things that and I I started relying more and more on food for comfort. I wanted I wanted just to I like the satiation of the taste and the flavor and the sensation.

And what I see now is that the conflicts that I was carrying were causing me very deep emotional pain, that I was denying and I still have trouble knowing what's going on with me inside sometimes. And I just was reaching for something to feel better about. Just that simple. I still have that. I I, my my coffee or soda intake goes up if if I'm not feeling adequate, if I'm a little uncomfortable about the way I am.

So, I'm still a compulsive overeater although I've been free from that particular aspect of the disease for 16 years, I have a lot of the other symptoms of the disease. And so I still wanna have something in my mouth when I'm not feeling adequate. Fortunately, the things I put in my mouth now don't have all the consequences of food, of the extra food that I took. So when I was reacting to my wife's alcoholism, we were getting pretty sick. Let's put it that way.

And I was starting to gain weight. Looking back on it, I see I was a candidate for a stroke. In fact because I was heavy, I was always going real fast, I didn't slow down unless I got really depressed. And you know it seemed absolutely fine man. That's the scary thing.

That's one of the ways my story has changed because at the time I was going through it, it just seemed like that life just it was just a struggle and it just didn't seem like I was getting in a fair shake, but I wasn't going to hang in there and go with it. Oh boy. So at some point my wife went to AA for real and got sober and she insisted that I go to Al Anon and I discovered in those rooms a relief of the shame that I carried about whatever, myself, what I felt, what I thought, what I believed. And, I couldn't relate to anything I couldn't relate to everything that I heard there, but it made me feel good. Just a meeting was enough to to make that relief, noticeable.

And in that fellowship for about a year, I noticed that that some people would would I somehow knew they were in LA and they'd lose weight and their eyes would light up and they'd they'd look happy. And I was at the point, I was about 215 or 210 there and I knew I needed to do something about my weight, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I couldn't go clothes shopping either. I was to the point where my clothes were wearing out and they were tight, and I didn't understand, you know, I'd go in with the intention of shopping and yet nothing looked good. Okay?

So about this time, I had a spiritual awakening of sorts when I was reading a big book after I'd been swimming trying to lose weight at Barton Springs And the routine would be that I would go and have some coffee and some breakfast food, I'll put it that way, and I'd be good and caffeined up and have a good sugar high and I'd go and swim for an hour or so and then I'd get out and lay out in the sun and get dehydrated. And this was the this was the okay. This was the best part of my week. This is when I would relax. Anyway, so I was reading the part here in chapter 5 where it talks about, it's right after how it works.

It talks about things like the, retired businessman loiling in the Florida sunshine complaining about the state of the world, contrasting that to the way alcoholics are when they're drinking, talking about how everything else is bad. And I sat there and I read a little bit and I'd read a paragraph or 2, I'd lay back and let the sun soak up the sun for a while. And I was I was really sort of struggling with step 3 because I thought there was something I had to do. I knew that if I thought about it enough, I'd find it. And for some reason on this day, it dawned on me that there actually wasn't gonna be a click when I did it.

There was gonna be I had to decide that I was gonna do it and then I had to act as if I'd turned my will and my life over the care of God. And when I did that I suddenly realized that that was the click. It was just that moment of intense awareness where I got it. There's nothing that I do. I don't do this.

And it's sort of by letting go of the idea that I had to do something, I achieved the state of mind that I needed to have. And I thought, wow. This was pretty neat. I've really got this. And later, I as I was walking back to the car, I was approaching the snack stand there at Barton Springs And I would always have one particular treat or sometimes I would have a particular treat on those mornings.

Now remember, I haven't had any really substantial food all day. It's about 1 o'clock in the afternoon and I've exercised for an hour. So while now it would make sense to get out a weighed and measured meal that's quite balanced and feast on it, at that time it was more about, again, my you know, getting that feeling of comfort for just a little bit. But I would always have this conversation with myself and it would go like this, well, you had a good workout so you deserve to reward yourself. Well, but then, you know, then I'm not really if I don't have this then I'll get greater benefit from the workout because I want the calories I want to take in.

Or it went like, Gee, this has been a rough week. I don't feel good. I deserve something to feel good for. It was that kind of dialogue. There was no decision ever.

This time on that day, it was different. As I approached it, I thought, wow. Well, let's see if this works for anything. And so I decided that I would walk up to that snack stand with just as I was, and I had at that point the intention to buy that same treat and really relish it. But I said, I'll just see and I won't be in charge.

And, you know, if I want it when I'll get there, I'll get it. And if I don't, I won't. And I walked up to it and nothing changed until I got up just about as close as I am to my coffee cup here and the desire for that snack left. It vanished. And all of a sudden and I walked right past the window and went out to my car and I was going, wow.

It still gives me goosebumps to tell that story. So that was sort of the first food miracle. I'd had something similar to that earlier but nothing is distinct. So as a result of that awakening, as a direct result of the 3rd step, I lost £20 because my dialogue that I was having in my head was revealed to me. And this appeared well I call it alcoholic thinking, of course it's clearly the disease of compulsive eating manifest.

So I started just being aware of what I was eating and just the fact that I was aware of that. And I whenever I had this, I would I noticed that dialogue. I would make a better decision. And things looked really helpful. And over the period of about 2 months, I lost about £20 or so.

But then it stopped and I didn't lose any more weight. So I'm down to 183 and I'm doing better than I've done in about 5 years. But I'm still finding that I'm sitting down in front of the TV with a bag of something and as I'm approaching the TV, I'm thinking, this isn't very smart. This isn't helping me lose any weight. But it wouldn't matter because I would sit down and do it anyway and there is step 1.

There is the powerlessness that I experience with food because even though I know I don't particularly want to do this, Even though I know that this isn't what I want for myself. The results of my actions of sitting down and eating this candy is not gonna help me. It's gonna get me not in the direction I wanna go, does not support one of my goals. That's not sufficient. By that time, I had learned that I could not swear off or trick myself by eating health food or buy things that I thought I should eat instead of what I ate like how many people have had vegetables spoil in their refrigerator?

Alright? Families could live for several months over with the things that I've had spoiled. You know, I would would believe I was gonna do that, and I believe that if I ate right, I would lose weight or I'd do that. This is all in the big book about how we've sworn off with or without a solemn oath, taking a trip, not traking a trip, drinking in the morning, not drinking in the morning, da da da da. I've done all that.

I didn't realize it when I came in here but I've done it. So I was at that point of powerlessness and finally in January of 1990, 1990, just because I had nothing else to do on a Tuesday evening, I went to a particular meeting that I had sort of been directed to by people that I knew were in OA. You know, you always get approached, you know, it's like, I think I should do something about my weight. I know you're in OA. Where can I go to a meeting?

And so I did that for a few months. And like I said, for no particular reason except I had nothing to do on that Tuesday evening. I went to a meeting, it was a Graysheet meeting and it was old Corey. And I I I loved the idea of being able to get a chip and I saw a lot of healthy people, kinda like we have here today. And I stood up, I got a chip, and I remember as I held it, I said I thought to myself, I should try this for 30 days no matter what.

And the next thought was I'll lose my weight and I'll be out of this fat farm. And I got a sponsor. And the 1st night, it took me 3 trips to the grocery store. That's not true. Only 2 trips to the grocery store, but that's how muddled my thinking about food was is, I know, it just it wasn't crisp.

I hadn't realized that. And by the end of the 1st week, I knew one day at a time then. I can remember my first abstinent bite, which was the first bite at breakfast after an abstinent meal in the evening. And it was a sensation I still remember and I hope I never forget it because it was the first time I had ever experienced it. I mean, I don't I don't know how to explain it but it was like I took that bite and it was different.

It was just different. I'm grateful that I had that awareness and that I've I've kept that and I talk about it from time to time because it was it was an experience that that can't be understood by explanation or empathy or drugs. You've got to experience it. So I lost weight rapidly and there was a little there was a significant amount of fear because I got down probably 5 or 6, £8 below what I weigh now. And I kept my weight a little too low, but this was even below that.

And they kept adding food in and adding food in. There hadn't been anybody with a revved up metabolism in the group apparently for a long time. But I got enough and my food turned around and it was that week that I surrendered my health to God and that was the week that it started going back up. So within 3 months I'd lost all the weight. And it's scary when that happens because the belief is that Oh well, I can go out and eat with impunity and I can always go back to this.

I sponsored a guy that thought that once and he hadn't been back yet. Last I heard, all he could wear were overalls. He was so heavy. There's so many dangerous parts of this disease, so many tricks. The nooks and crannies of our psyches are just filled with stuff like that.

Scary. So that's what happened. And because I was abstinent, I was able to lose enough weight that I could go shopping and finish my 4th step and I became aware that the reason I could not shop for myself is because I did not want to admit that I needed a size 46 or 48 waist or whatever it was. I don't even remember anymore. It was more than 44, I know that.

And I'm wearing 30 threes today and I have for 16 years, almost 16 years. And that is a miracle, that is an experience that few, few, few people have had. I can remember the 1st year of my abstinence, especially early on, I would say, I will never do this to myself again. And I hope that my resolve is there but I also hope that my commitment to the things that support my abstinence is there because a simple resolve is not enough. There has to be a decision to do that.

And the problem for me to stay abstinent is to remember that my mind sometimes works against me, that my psyche will make it appear as though that eating normally without weighing and measuring is the solution to a problem. And more often than not, the problem is whether I fit in someplace. And when you sit down, the first time you sit down, you should never sit down at a restaurant with other people and try to weigh and measure in a restaurant the first time with other people unless those other people are absent ingratiators that are weighing measuring with you. Because let's talk about feeling like you're different. Yes.

What I I did learn that eating out and weighing and measuring with other people in situations became an important part of my program. And I won't go into it, and I can't explain it completely, but it's a spiritual act to do that. The other thing I learned is the the more matter of fact, greater acceptance I have of myself as a compulsive overeater, the easier it is to do. It's almost like that's a that's a barometer of how fully accepted I am of the first step. If I can walk in and go about my business getting what I need in a restaurant and weighing and measuring at the table and do it with the entitlement that I am doing it for a purpose, that I have it, I do it because it's right for me and it's mine.

You know, it's like I'm doing this just as if I would it's with the same certainty that I would have if there was something on a menu at a place that I which there were many things on menus at restaurants all over town that I knew I would go in and order specifically, not even have to look at the menu. I'd go in and say, I want a so and so. Well, if I can go in and look at a menu and specifically say what I need with that same certainty and entitlement, then I will be accepted. What I do will be completely accepted. And if anybody asks, they'll sometimes admire me.

That's kinda strange. And I will not feel different in that way. I will know I am different. But what I also know is I'm treating the chronic condition just as a diabetic who has to inject insulin before each meal, and I've eaten with people, they prick their finger, they have a little kit that checks their blood sugar based on their blood sugar, They measure out the amount of insulin and they inject it right there at the table. It's the very same thing.

Now there's a little difference. They probably would not believe that not injecting insulin before a meal would solve their problems about not feeling like they fit in at work. Doesn't look like there's any relationship. However, I can believe that not weighing and measuring my food will solve problems such as not fitting in at work. And I've had this on several times and you've heard me talk about it.

So that's what it's like now in terms of how I handle my food. I'll just say briefly that before I close that this has been probably the toughest year emotionally on me. I've gone past that point where I have a great deal of youthful energy that's sort of tapered off now. And the other thing is I'm not driven by many of the neurosis that I was once driven by, by the anxiety of the conflicts that were set up in me by how I was raised and the belief systems I bought into. And I'm facing some of the the real, grave mental and emotional disorders that I have.

It's as if as I strip away through the steps in the program and continued abstinence, all the little techniques, the neurosis that I used to cope with those, now I'm faced with just those. And it's been very tough. I haven't worked a full time job in about 4 years, is it? I forget. 2001, yeah, almost 4 years, three and a half years.

And in a lot of cases, I haven't been willing to look. And I've had a lot of anxiety, a lot of self loathing, and just self hatred because of that. And just this week, I had something revealed to me that I wanna share with you. First of all, say, I'm working part time because, basically, a job that came by that looked like it was fun enough to do that had something to learn. It was just at the right time.

It's like God finally, finally tricked me into acting to take a job. And I say that because it's it's that's how he has to work with me because I'm so damn stubborn sometimes. I won't do things that are good for me. That's not sufficient. And for some reason, I seem to have lost the fear of economic insecurity.

I was probably better off having it. I was better off financially if I had it, believe me. I've also lost the fear of people now and that's a wonderful thing that comes along with it. So I'm working part time. I went to Monday's meeting and I heard a person there that I know that's been absent for a while and her sponsor was unable to continue sponsoring her.

And she was in a meeting. She said she's not abstinent and that she just thinks she's gonna come back, and it's like she's just sort of toying with this thing. And I'm listening to that and I'm thinking, this lady is playing with the devil. She hasn't seen the people do that and never come back or come or see them on the street corner and, you know, they're another £150 heavier. I've seen I've lost friends that way.

And it's not that they're not my friend, it's that the disease starts isolating them from us. And I do that to myself. When I feel inadequate, I don't wanna talk to you. If I feel like I'm ashamed of something, whether it's real or imagined, I don't want anybody to see me. There are times I wish I could disappear and it's not about my weight, it's about the stuff up here in my head.

So I was very graced in this case because I knew this person well enough, I recognized the symptoms and for some reason I was entitled, you know, who knows? I was probably I was feeling probably really lousy about myself, so I'm gonna go do something about them. Right? Yeah. I don't know if that's ever happened before.

But yeah. But, in step 5 in AA12 and 12 it says, even at 0 8 or yeah, AA old timers sober for years often paid dearly for skimping this step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone, how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression, and how unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal. Ouch. Gee.

So I keep an eye out for that so it won't appear as though I'm concealing any character defects like I can conceal them. So I asked her what she was gonna have for dinner tonight and there was the litany and the yada, yada, yada and Oh, but I'm not binging. I'm just not weighing and measuring, I'm eating great sheet food. And I just persisted and I presented the wall and I was earnest and stern. And I told her, you're playing with the devil, you have an opportunity to change that right now.

What are you gonna do with your food tonight? And slowly said, oh, I don't know what I have. How many people know what they have in their refrigerator? Yeah. Okay.

I know exactly what I have in my refrigerator. So with patience and perseverance, I was able to get that person to commit their food and I said, you can call me tomorrow morning at this time if you want to. And I went away satisfied. I knew that I wasn't feeling well about myself and that was part of the reasons I did I did that. But I also didn't think it was right for someone to talk in a meeting like that without someone confronting them because that's how cunning that disease is.

It's like I'm driving the bus for a long time and it's going where I wanna go and it's wonderful. The sights are marvelous, but I've got to pay attention. I've gotta keep my hands on the wheel and my eye on the road. And the road I follow has a gray stripe down the middle, and I stay right on top of that stripe as close as I can because the road moves around. Sometimes I miss that.

But there are other people on the bus and one of them is the disease. And it says, hey, listen. Why don't you just take a break? Take a break. I'll drive for a while.

Don't worry about it. Enjoy the scenery. Take a nap. And what I've seen is when people get out of the driver's seat and the disease starts riding driving the bus, the bus continues on many times. And the scenery is great and life seems wonderful, But after a while, they stop paying attention to where they're going and then the disease starts taking detours.

And by the time you realize that you're going the other direction, it's too late. You can't get the disease to get out of the driver's seat. So basically, I would not let that person leave without an opportunity of kicking of getting the disease out of the driver's seat or that bus. She called me this morning, she's looking for a sponsor. But the best part about this is and I don't know whether she's gonna stay absent.

That's up to her. It's not up to me. The best part about this is I realized that the thing that's kept me from from looking for a job, from being willing to whatever change of mind, whatever change of point of view, whatever has to happen in my mind, okay, was revealed to me. It was exactly I'm doing exactly what she's doing. I've been doing it for years.

It's just sort of toying with this idea that I don't need work yet. I could get work. Whatever the nonsense was. And there was something about offering someone a chance and seeing, saying just grab it inside. That's what I was saying.

I was saying here's your chance. Just get it. Go for it. Don't fart around. Jump.

And I realized that that's what I'm having to do. I didn't come here to learn that about myself 16 years later. I just came here to lose some weight. But I won't leave today because I am still being rewarded by abstinence on a daily basis. Thank you.