NCCAA Spring Conference in Monterey, CA

That our speaker for this evening is Hank Jay from Palmdale, California. Hi, everybody. My name is Hank Johnson. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Hank.

I'm very glad to be here, and I thank the committee for asking me to be here. And I've met some people here, but, you know, I, I know quite a few people in the audience and and, it's funny, you know, it's always strange now it's not the way it used to be because now when I walk in a room and I know somebody or or they know me, I don't have to flee the scene. I can stay right here, you know. That's kinda nice. And, you know, I know that I'm an alcoholic and and, they read the traditions and and chapter 5 and everything.

I really do know that I'm an alcoholic and I know that I'll never be anything else but an alcoholic for the till I die. But I don't have to drink now. And, but, you know, I've often thought, well, what I'll do is, so science can have have a chance to study an alcoholic. I'm gonna leave all my myself to science when I die. And, when they, you know, my liver and all that stuff, you know.

And I know that when I they drop my brain down in that alcohol, in that jar, it's gonna say, But but in the meantime, I'm a try to stay away from that stuff. I drank for 30 years. I went into a bar when I was 18 years old, and they served me. And in California, you're supposed to be 21, and they served me without asking for my ID or anything. I passed for 21 years old.

And immediately, I became a man, and that's what I wanted to be, a man. I was anxious to become 1, and, and the mark of a man is that he can buy a drink over a bar without being asked how old he is. And I was comfortable in that place. I went back all the time. They had a jukebox over in the corner.

I could play the jukebox just as good as the rest of the guys. Yeah. I could sit at the bar and look at myself in the mirror and get better looking after each drink. And, I just went back there every opportunity I had from then on. And I met my wife in a bar.

You know, where else do you meet girls? And we got married, and we moved out to a little town outside of Los Angeles, West Covina, and, bought a little house out there. The payments were $56 a month. That included taxes and interest and the whole shot. You know.

Nothing down naturally. And, you know, when those payments have come due on the 1st of the month, I'd have a hell of a time coming up with the payment. Because you see, I use my money to drink with, and I figured, well, I'll skip the payment this month. I'll double up next month. And so, next month would come along, a $112.

How am I gonna ever get amount that amount of money? Somehow I would. I wouldn't pay somebody else, and and I'd make the payment. And, you know, we almost lost that house several times. We finally had to sell it before we lost it.

We moved in with my father for free. If anybody would have asked me, Hank, what is your problem? I would have said money. Money is my problem. I don't know how I got involved in this job I'm in.

It doesn't pay enough, you know. If she would just help me by going to work, you know. No. Instead, it turned out she was pregnant after we got out there, and she had a little daughter by a previous marriage, and and, you know, I didn't start saving for that baby until about a week before it was due. And, you know, I just couldn't come up with that hospital bill, so I went to the beneficial finance company, And I borrowed money from the beneficial finance company to pay for the doctor bill and the hospital expenses.

And, you know, when my son finally turned 25 years old, and I finally got on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I finally got beneficial paid off. I'd seen there's always a crisis in my life. Every time I'd almost get them paid off, why I'd have to, you know, somewhat happen, I have to consolidate my bills again. And sometimes I had Pacific Finance going too. Sometimes a bank loan also, and all 3 at the same time, and and I totaled up my bills and interest at the end of the year for income tax purposes, you know, and I was always amazed.

My god. What? I'm paying all this interest and making all these payments. What am I buying for this? You know, they don't finance $100 cars.

I'll tell you that. You know, I could I could never I just could not imagine what I was paying all that interest for, and I finally figured it out after I got sober. Couple of years, I finally figured it out. What I did was finance 30 years of drinking. Every time I took a drink, I paid an extra 10¢ or so to beneficial finance for bet you know, for interest.

And, it, that's another freedom that I that I have now. So, I you know, my drunkologue is the most boring story you've ever heard in your life. Maybe the next speaker or the speakers will be a little more exciting. I, I hear exciting stories from the podium. Guys, you know, they go into a bar and they punch everybody out in the bar and the cops come and they punch the cops out, they get dragged off the jail and they walk into the jail and they and they see the, you know, they walk over the bunk they want, they pull the guy out of the bunk and punch him out too.

You know? No. That's drinking. Let's face it. I mean, that is exciting drinking.

I heard I heard a guy drive through a tunnel 70 miles an hour and then make a u-turn. All kinds of exciting stuff like that. You know, all I ever did is just sat around and drank. I watched a lot of TV and played phonograph records and read books, you know, Reader's Digest condensed versions, you know, nothing heavy. And I just kinda I meant to do a lot of that stuff.

I just never got around. You know, I used to think about it, you know, doing all that exciting stuff. But, you know, among my other one of my other faults is procrastination. I heard a young a young speaker from Alekten speak in Palm Springs a few years ago, and his mother always used to tell him, you know, you know, why do you procrastinate so much? And he says, well, what does that mean?

And she says, why don't you look it up in the dictionary? And he says, oh, I will later. You know, and I identify with that kid, and that's me, you know. One of these days, when I get $1,000, when this next summer or sometime, you know, I'm gonna do something, and I postponed living for 30 years. And, when I finally came out of my stupor, right?

God. I just didn't know what the hell to do. You know, everything I've learned in my entire life other than working has been involved. Booze has been involved. Dancing, romancing, you know, you name it, anything.

Booze has been involved. I either drank before, during, or after. And, when I sobered up, my god. It's tough to to to learn all over again what you're supposed to do, you know, only this time without any anything to drink. And, I just drank all the time.

That's all. Just drank all the time. And, that's my story. 30 years of drinking. Geez.

I'm ashamed of it, but that's it. A typical you know, to create excitement, my wife used to kick me out of the house. I'd, you know, she'd come home and she'd find me intoxicated and and, she just get angry and kick me out. She'd say, you know, leave. I'd I never thought to argue with her.

Yeah. She'd say leave. I left. That's all. Never thought.

I was just so unworthy. I, you know, I just didn't never argue. Wait a minute. I own part of this house too. No.

I just left. That's all. But I never moved very far away from home, just down the street a little ways. And then I'd work my way back in. And I was in and out back and forth and she divorced me three times.

And finally the last time I wound up in Hermosa Beach, California, a little, a little garage house, and it was a half a block from the water and I want, you know, and I was gonna you know, I just thought it was a terrific little place because I was gonna go down there and run along the beach every morning and really get in shape. I hear that the beach was down there. You could I I couldn't prove it by me. I I, I rented this place and it was really just kind of a one room place. It was like 12 by 15 room, and I bought us a turntable and 10 speakers from a friend of mine, and I had speakers in all four corners behind the drapes, behind the couch, in the bathroom, in the kitchen.

You name it, there was a speaker there, and kind of a typical day for me was to wake up 10 o'clock in the morning, and I'm already an hour late to work. My God. I throw my clothes on real fast and shave and get in that car and weave in and out of traffic and break all the traffic laws and I'd get to work because, you know, I had to get there fast because I was running late and I, you know, and I knew I was gonna get fired because, you see, I should have worked yesterday. And I had left all these papers all over my desk, and, God, I had some papers in my desk drawer. Some of them were really old.

You know? They were too old to turn in. If I turn if I turn them in, I'd be fired for holding them so long. And if I didn't, you know, and if I didn't turn them in, I was gonna be fired too. And I knew it was all gonna happen today.

I was sure of it. And I heard this term after I got sober, you know, the feeling of impending doom. Well, that's the feeling I had every morning when I drove to work. I knew I was gonna be fired, and I got there and I checked my desk out, and everything the same as yesterday. Man, you know.

And I'd go get some coffee, and I'd come back to my desk and shuffle papers and try to look interested, and make excuses to my customers. They'd wanna know why why, they hadn't got what they ordered, and I'd make excuses like, well, you know, the class of help we get nowadays. You can't you can't depend on it. Or I'd, you know, or I'd use the computer. That's a good one.

You know? They're still using the computer today. I'm proud to say I was one of the originators of that institute. I used it even before we had a computer. The computer's been down for the last 6 days, so I think, you know and, then I'd look up at 2 o'clock.

It'd be a respectable time to go to lunch, about quarter 12. I'd go to the bar that was conveniently located right next door to where I worked, and they sold martinis over there, and I like martinis. And during the lunch hour, they sold double martinis for a dollar. The regular martinis were 75¢, but during the lunch hour, a double for a dollar. I'd say, you know, you're gonna have 2 anyhow.

Whoever heard of having 1 martini? You're gonna have 2 anyhow, so you might as well order the dollar one, and you'll save 50¢. God know god knows you need the money back. And I'd order that dollar martini, and I'd get to sipping on that thing, and I'd kinda compare my drink against the guy sitting next to me. He'd have a 75¢ one, and, and I'd say to myself, who the hell do they think they're kidding around here?

This is no double. It's a little bit larger than the 75¢ one. Yeah. If it were really a double, they'd be charging more money for it. You know?

They can't kid me. I've been around, you know. And so I I'd say, yes. You know, so I better have another one. And then I'd have another one, and then I'd have another one, and then I'd have another one.

And then I'd call the office and say, I forgot to tell you. I'm I'm going on a lot of calls this afternoon. Take messages. I'll be back tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock. And I'd get in my car, and I'd head towards the beach, and I'd stop and get the cheapest bottle of vodka I could get, whatever was on sale that day at Thrifty Drug, and, just the cheapest thing I could get, and I'd get home about 2 or 2:30 in the afternoon, and I'm an extra neat drunk.

I'd get home and I'd hang up my clothes real carefully so that the creases fall properly, you know, and, put my shoes away and everything and hang up my shirt and all that stuff and, put my pajamas on. And then I'd sit sit on the edge of the bed in my pajamas. It'd be, like, 2:30 in the afternoon. I'd untap that cheek, but can take a big, big jolt out of it. Several swallows.

You know? Just to jeez. You know? You've done it again today. You know?

You know? You're not the only guy that's ever been divorced. You're not the only guy that's ever been in debt. Why in the hell don't you do something about it? All you do just sit around and and and you don't take care of your business.

You know? At least you should go out and get a second job anyhow. You're so far you're so far in debt. You know? You you know?

At least you can get a second job and then you can catch up financially. You know? And, then I'd say, wait a minute. You don't need to get a second job. You're in sales.

And, you know, if you're in sales, you can make practically anything you amount of money you want to within a region, of course, but, heck, I you know, if I apply myself, I can really make some money. God. That's right. You know? Starting tomorrow morning, it's it's all gonna be different.

I'm gonna get up at 6 o'clock tomorrow morning. I'm gonna get down to that damn office by 7. I'm gonna knock out paperwork until 9. And when that phone starts ringing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be ready to do business. And it's all gonna be different, you know.

And I'm gonna do from here on out, the rest of this year, I'm gonna devote all my time to making money, you know. And I'm not even gonna drink. The rest of this year, I won't drink, you know. Maybe I'll go to a New Year's Eve party and have a few drinks, but, you know, I'm gonna devote all my time to working, and I'm gonna play catch up, and it's gonna, you know, it's gonna be great. I'm gonna get out of debt.

Yeah. A lot of guys have done that. I can I can, I can spend 1 year out of my life playing catch up? A lot of people have done stuff like that. You know?

Jeez. I don't know about you folks, but when I have those terrific ideas like that, I have room to celebrate, so I have another drink. And, you know, then I get to thinking, you know, god, you know, if you triple your income, which you'll do, you know, if you triple your income, you're gonna be out of debt in no time. Then what are you gonna do with all this money coming in? But one of the things I'm gonna do is I'm gonna buy a white Lincoln Continental car, and I'm gonna drive it up to that house where she still lives.

Now on the way up there, I'll stop at the Hallmark card shop and I'll buy a beautiful card, you know, one of these big ones, you know, No 25¢ or at least a dollar card, and it'll have beautiful sentimental poetry on it. And over on the left hand side, alright, thanks for all the good years, h. You know, not Henry or Hank, just h. And I'll drive that car up at midnight, for instance, so I can make sure and get the proper parking place right in front of that house. And I'll drive it up there quietly, you know, and I'll get a gold plated key for that car.

And I'll I'll put the gold plated key in with the card in the envelope, and I'll just pull that car up real quietly in the middle of the night right in front of the house. And then I'll tiptoe up on the porch and I'll put that envelope down the mail shoot, and then I'll split. And the next morning, she'll get up and go through her routine, and she'll get her mail. You know? And naturally, the she'll take the biggest envelope first, and she'll open it up and that key of thought, I wonder what that key is, she'll say.

And then she'll look at that card. You know? She'll read that beautiful poetry, the sentimental kind. You know? Tears will just roll out.

Sheesh. If this piece of damn sad is so excruciatingly beautiful, it'll just make her cry. And then she'll look over on the left hand side and say, thanks for all the good years, h. You know? Then she'll look out in front of the house, and she'll see that white Lincoln Continental out there.

You know? Brand new, shiny, gorgeous car out there. You know? And she'll the key and that card and and, she'll put it all together that that's her automobile out there. Then she won't think I'm so bad.

Then she'll be sorry by God. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I get a big charge out of giving those expensive gifts like that. So I have another drink. Then I look at, you know, I look up at the clock and it's a quarter to 11. My God.

Where has this day gone? I cannot believe how late it is. What is what's happened here? It can't be that late, you know. And, then I realized the liquor store closes in a few minutes.

And I'd throw my clothes on over my pajamas and I'd run 3 blocks to the liquor store and that's when I first started jogging about that time. I had to get there before that place closed. Yeah. And, get the guy just as he was putting the light out. You know?

Marla Schmerinoff. I always bought the better brands there in the local area. I wouldn't want them to think I was cheap there in the neighborhood, you know. And then I could walk back to my shack of peace and comfort and security for the rest of the night, and it hadn't been such a bad day after all. I've accomplished quite a bit.

I've got my whole future ironed out, and I know what's gonna happen starting tomorrow, and my god, it's alright, you know. And, and I'd have dinner, like a cold hot dog out of the icebox, and I'd sit on the edge of the bed a little more, and, you know, I I put an old you know, I always I always used to play these old Billy Billy Eckstine records, you know. Some record like Who Can I Turn To? Some ballad. You know, I love those ballads.

And, and then I was all set. You know? And somewhere in there, I'd pass out, And I'd wake up the next morning, and, god, it'd be 10 o'clock. But I'm already an hour late to work, and, geez, I'd throw my clothes on real fast and shave, and I get in that car, and I'd weed in and out and break the traffic rules. And I knew by the time I got there, I was gonna be fired because, you see, I should've worked yesterday.

And I left all these papers, and the boss were to look in my desk drawer. Some of those papers were months old. They were too old to turn in. If I turn them out, I get fired. I knew it.

I knew it was all gonna happen today. You know? I knew it was gonna happen, and I'd get to work, and and, I check my desk. Everything's the same as yesterday. Man.

I'd go get a cup of coffee and come back to my desk and shuffle papers and try to look interested, make excuses to my customers why they hadn't got what they ordered. And I'd blame it on the class of health or the computers or whatever I could think of. And then at at a respectable time, I'd go to lunch at the bar that was conveniently located right next door to where I was. And I'd go over there and make my big decision of the day over there, you know, whether to have the dollar one or the 75¢. And then I'd have another one, then I'd have another one, and then I'd have another one.

Then I'd call the office and tell them. I got to tell you, I'm going with a lot of calls. Take messages. I'll be back tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock. And I'd get in my car and head towards the beach and stop and buy the cheapest bottle of vodka they had.

You know? And I'd get home and hang up my clothes and put my pajamas on, sit on the edge of the bed and take a big, big drink out of this cheap vodka, and I'd put an old 78 on turntable, something like Billy Eckstine singing, who can I chime to? And then I'd get to talking to myself, you know, and and I'd say, well, done it again today. You're not the only guy that's ever been divorced. You're not the only guy that's ever been in debt.

Why don't you do something about it? You just sit around. You never, you know, then I'd have this bright idea, you know. I don't need to get a second job. I'm in sales.

And, starting tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get up at 6 o'clock, get down to that office by 7, and I'll knock out paperwork for a couple hours and when that phone starts ringing tomorrow, I'm gonna be ready to do business and it's all gonna be different. Starting tomorrow, I'm not even gonna drink for the rest of this year. Maybe I'll have a few drinks on New Year's Eve or something. It's all gonna be different. You know, I didn't do that once or or twice.

I did that hundreds of times. Towards the end of the month, the boss would wanna know, he'd say, are you in sales here? And and I'd say, yeah, I'm in sales. He's, well, how about making a sale? And I'd say, don't worry about a thing, I'm a fast finisher.

And I was because I was running scared, you know, I was afraid I'd lose my job, and I'd work around the clock, and I always made my quota this company, and every month every year and and, if the company I work for if you make your quota, why they give you a plaque with your name on it. And it says for outstanding salesmanship and product knowledge and being the type of representative that we want to represent this company and all that good stuff on a big plaque, you know, for 8 drunken years in a row, I want a plaque. And then I got sober. And for the next 8 year, I didn't win a plaque. Yeah.

I lost my motivation. After after I got sober, I wasn't afraid anymore. And, so I didn't, you know, I figured he's just showing up on time. You know, they ought to give you a raise for just getting, you know, You know? And, you know, I thought they ought to give me a raise just for showing up on time.

It's you know, I found out it's what you do after you get to work is what they give you the raise for, but I had that all mixed up. I thought because you get sober, you should reward you for God's sake, and, look at the sacrifices we're making. Right? And, and you know after 2 years of sobriety I walked in that office and the guy told me you're fired. I said fired?

You've gotta be kidding. I've been with this company 10 years now. I got an outstanding sales record. You know, you can't. Well, not lately.

You don't, he said. And, I just, well, yeah, but, you know, it's ridiculous. And and, I said, I wanna go see the regional manager. And I went to see him and his big office in Century City and, I went in there and I used to say that I took my 5th step with him, but what I actually did is I sniveled and cried to him. You know, I said, geez, I've been with this company 10 years now and and, God, you know, I'm got an outstanding sales record.

I just don't understand this guy. You know, 2 years ago, I completely changed my life. I stopped drinking. My wife and I are trying to make it together. And, you know, I'm trying to pay my bills on time and kids and everything, you know, I'm trying to trying to do become a citizen in the community again.

And now this guy wants to fire me. I just can't understand it. And and, so, regional manager said, well, it's all very interesting and I congratulate you on quitting drinking and and I hope you and your wife, for, you know, make it together, kids and everything. And, but he says, I can't interfere. They don't want you to work in that office.

I can't do anything about that. He says, but the only thing I can do for you, he says, is I'll put you on paid leave of absence for a short time. You claim to be a salesman, go sell yourself to another branch office. We've got 80 of them. And, that's what I did.

And I'm still with that firm by the way. But what happened to me is what happens to a lot of people in AA. I've seen it happen to a lot of people. You know, after I finally got on the program I got so interested in AA that I just had tunnel vision. I thought all I could see is AA.

I can talk to anybody unless they were a member of AA and I had nothing to say with anyone else and it was everything else out there was unreal and I was just kind of spiritual. I just kind of kind of sailed up into the blue, you know. In fact, my, my sponsor pointed out that some of us get so so heavenly, you know, that we just become of no earthly good to anyone. And, that's what happened to me. And he also pointed out that in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it's it states in there that it's okay to have your head in the clouds, but you should keep your feet firmly planted on the ground.

And there's work to be done, and to take these steps and all that good stuff. And that's what I've been trying to do ever since. And but I got ahead of my story. About that time, I got a call from my ex wife, and she said, come and get your drunken son. He's just like you are.

And it seemed that he had turned 16. He was going to high school, and he got his driver's license and went right out and got a reckless driving ticket, and, he, just getting in a lot of trouble. Nothing really major, but just a lot of stuff that she was having trouble coping with, and the kid was just really going bad and nothing. Like I say, just nickel and dime stuff, but it just enough to drive her crazy. And, so, he went to a party one night and he came home drunk and he threw up on the carpet or something and that that was it.

That was the last straw. And so she called me and said, come and get your drunken son. He's just like you are. And so she said, so I had to do it. Right?

And you can't, I couldn't argue with her. So I just went and got my son. And he didn't wanna come and live with me. I didn't want him to come and live with me but she said so I had to do it. And so you know, in fact, he used to come and visit me occasionally, before then and, on a weekend.

He spent a weekend with me and I never knew what to say to him, you know, if I wasn't drinking, I I just didn't I just couldn't think anything to say and I'd say, well, to myself, you know, what would you say if you were a regular father, you know, and, and I'd so then I would tell I attended the lecture and then I'd say, you know, with your with your smarts, you know, you should be getting all A's in school. I'm really surprised at your grades and your personality, you should be student body president for God's sake. And with your physique, least you should least you should be playing football anyhow. You know, all the things that I kind of wish I would have done when I was in school. But if I were drinking, which was most of the time, I just tended to slobber all over him.

I tell him how much I loved him, you know, and I and, you know, I'd tell him stuff like, you know, all the trouble your mother and I have had over the years has nothing to do with you. Yeah. We love you, and you were a loved child, I used to tell him. Yeah. You were in no accident.

You were a loved child. He used to sit there and just cringe. He couldn't stand to listen to that crap, you know. And he, but I I couldn't stop once I got started, you know. I just couldn't not stop.

And I wanted to, but I couldn't. And and, and he would just sit there and squirm and he finally he'd escaped somehow, you know. And, and then the next morning, I'd be ashamed of myself. You know? Not because not that I was drunk.

I was ashamed that I told my son I loved him, and I couldn't even look him in the eye. And I drive him home and dump him off, and, so he didn't wanna come and live with me. In fact, after one of those weekends, he came home and asked his mother. He says, you've divorced him. Is there any kind of legal action I can take?

And, so he but yeah. But so he came and live with me and, you know, it's funny thing. It was a start of a beauty beautiful relationship that we've got going to this day. And we had we had a resentment in common, you know, that's enough to build a friendship. A lot of meetings are started that way with resentment, you know, but we had this resentment in common, you know, mom had kicked us both out, you know, we had that to build from and we've got a relationship going through this day.

And, so about that time, my wife came down to visit her little boy, you know, and he checked she checked him out one Sunday afternoon, and and one thing led to another. We got to talking, you know how that is, and and, we, we realize, you know, we seem to be miserable people, but we seem to be more miserable apart than we were together, and why don't we try this thing one more time, you know. Why are we treating each other this way, you know. God, you know, when we got married we had some plans and what what's happened here, you know. Our daughter had already split and and now our son is getting ready to graduate high school and and, you know, and he'd probably go into service or whatever, you know, all we had was each other.

Why are we treating each other like this? And she and let's sell that house, and, pay off our bills, and and we'll all move in here, you know, in this one room. Yeah. And, pay off our bills, and she said, I won't fight you on your drinking anymore. In fact, I'll join you.

And I should have been suspicious right then and there, but I wasn't because see all the years I was married to that woman, she never drank. Once in a while we'd go to a party or something, she never had drink and she'd, you know, gag on it, you know. I'd try to get a big tall glass and put a lot of 7 up in here, drink this, you know. Have a few drinks, loosen up, you know, have fun, we're here to have fun, this is a party, you know, have a few of these and she can never drink successfully, you know, she always got sick. And so when she said, I won't fight you on your drinking, in fact, I'll join you, I wasn't, you know, I just let that one go over my head.

Little did I know that during that 2 or 3 year period we were apart, she had started drinking, and, she had crossed over into that, you know, that, so called invisible line into alcoholism. In fact, she claims that she is an alcoholic before she ever took a drink, You know, just like dynamite waiting to be lit, and, and, now myself, I feel that I wasn't an alcoholic, and that I drank myself into alcoholism, you know. And I because I drank successfully for a lot of years, you know. I had a lot of fun drinking, you know. For a lot of years, you know.

I had a lot of fun drinking, you know. And, but it's just like penicillin. I took penicillin several times and the last time I took penicillin, I had a sore throat, the doctor give me a shot at stuff, and I hardly got home till I was just, God, I just went nuts. I, you know, I started broke out in the hives and everything. I wound up in the hospital for 8 days.

I almost died. You know, all of a sudden I become allergic to penicillin. And, the doctor told me don't ever take penicillin again, it might kill you. You know. You know, it's funny thing.

I've never had any trouble with that. I've never had a better if there was penicillin anonymous, I'd have about 35 years right now. I never had the compulsion to take any at all. Yeah. But all of a sudden I just became allergic to this stuff.

I took it successfully several time and, you know, I don't think it makes a damn bit of difference. My wife's an alcoholic. She thinks it from the first day, I I think I drank myself into alcohol, is a man that don't make any difference. We're both alcoholics. And, but then a typical day once she moved in, why a typical day then was I'd wake up late and get down to the office and go next door to the bar and get home about 2 or 2:30 and I put my pajamas on, I'd sit on the edge of the bed and plan my future and start drinking that vodka and playing those old 78 records and, and here comes my son.

Please turn to side 2 of this cassette to continue the program. My future and start drinking that vodka and playing those old 78 records, And, and here comes my son. And it's like 2:30 in the afternoon. And, he'd come home and I'd say, you know, I don't I don't know who you think you're kidding. It's only 2:30 in the afternoon.

The school don't even get out till 3, and you're already home by 2:30. You know, you've ditched class, or you ditched all day as far as I know. You know? And I'd stand up there with my pajamas on with with a bottle of vodka in my hand, and and I'd ask him, you know, how the hell do you expect to amount to anything? You know, if if you don't apply yourself in this world, my son, you haven't got a chance.

Yeah. You need a diploma to get any kind of a job. I'm really worried about you, and he'd look at me funny. And he always had 3 or 4 guys with him, and they all looked at me funny. And they were surfers, and they kept their surfboards down there.

You know, it was something else we had to trip over. And and, he'd go out surfing with his friends, and and I could fantasize a little while longer. And then here comes my my wife home from work. And, you know, I'm a I'm kind of a grouchy guy if I'm not drinking. I just don't sit in the corner and read a book or watch TV or something.

I'm not very sociable. And, you know, you're free to do anything you want. Just don't bother me. Don't ask me my opinion. Don't ask me for any money.

You're free to do any damn thing you wanna do. You know? But you give me one drink, and all that changes. And I don't care who you are, you're the most interesting person I have ever met in my entire life. And, you know, I wanna sit with you.

I wanna hear your whole life story. I'm prepared to sit up all night with you. As long as we got booze and hear your plans for the future, I'm right with you as long as we got booze. My wife, on the other hand, is a very friendly, outgoing person. She knows the paper boy by his name.

She knows the girls at the supermarket, you know, the checker checkout gal. She knows their name. Not only their name, she knows all their kids' names and their husband's names. And I don't know how she gets all that information, but she sure does. And I could go to the same store for 20 years and they'd never know me in there, you know.

But she don't know everybody in the neighborhood and, you know, and they all know her. But you give her one drink and all that changes. All the pent up emotions and hostilities of a lifetime come out in that first drink, and folks, she just gets meaner than hell. She's a some people should not drink. You know?

And, you know, I was so damn glad to see her. You know, I'd love everybody when I'm drinking, but especially my family. God, I love them. And, sickening, you know, I love them so much. And, but she she came home, and we'd have our first drink of the day together.

And I try to get cozy, you know, and, she'd take that drink, and it just changed her personality. You know? And, she'd start getting standoffish, and I'd try to get cozy, and, you know, it never worked. We could never drink together. We used to just pass each other in the night, and and we'd end up fighting and having an argument, and she'd break my old 78 records, and just because I played them more than once, you know.

I played these same records and heard these same songs from the time I was 18, you know, for about 30 years playing the same songs, and but I'd get I hadn't heard it for a week or something, and I'd play play 1. My god. It's a good song. And I'd play it again. And then again and again and again and again.

Again. And sometimes I'd just get hung up on one little trumpet toot. I'd get the needle, you know, and just drop it in there and, just so I could hear one more time, you know, and she'd she'd go crazy. She'd go to that autograph and break the damn record. You know?

And I'd say, my god. Those are priceless 78. You can't you can't replace those, you know? Good. I'll never have to hear that again.

And, she went over the machine one time, the turntable, and just took the arm and just bent it up. And I couldn't play any more records that night, I'll tell you. Next morning, I got a pipe wrench and a hammer and platter to try to straighten that damn arm out. I couldn't. A metal arm.

I don't know where she got her strength from. I couldn't move. I couldn't budget. It cost $35 to get it fixed. And, that was the kind of drinking we were doing.

And, so, one time I told her, you know, this isn't working out at all. You know, you've moved in here, but it's just not working out. And I let you kick me out of all those other houses, But I moved here first. Therefore, you go this time. We're not married.

Remember? You divorced me. So you go this time. And, and so I I said, I'm gonna go to my brother's house tonight. And when I come back tomorrow morning, I expect you gone.

And so while I was gone to my brother's house, why she decided to commit suicide again. She was always committing suicide. It's, you know, she was suicidal. In fact, after she was sober a couple of years, she was still so suicidal. You know, things were happening, and something serious happened one day, I know that, and she was gonna commit suicide.

And then she remembered that she was the cookie lady at the meeting, and she so she, you know, she had to postpone it again. But, but this time, she decided to commit suicide. And, you know, when she drank, she drank in a blackout. She'd take one drink and blackout. And, and so before she gonna kill herself, she went into the closet where my clothes were hanging and took a knife and just slit, slashed, and stabbed all my all my clothes and just ripped them all to hell, you know.

And even took the knife and stabbed my shoes. And it ruined everything. It just made a complete shambles out of it and and just went berserk in that closet. And then she took the rags that she had made and put them around the doors and the windows, try to make the place airtight, and, turn the gas on in the kitchen oven and went to bed. The next morning, she woke up.

Like, nothing happened. Nothing did happen. You know, that old place we lived in with a half a block from the water and the wind used to whistle through those boards, you could have turned the gas on 10 ovens and never smelled it. So she failed again. Yeah.