The Central service Breakfast in Westbrook, ME

And our next speaker is Mike. Good morning. My name is Mike, and I'm alcoholic. And, truly blessed to be here. I'd like to thank the people that come to this wonderful breakfast.

It's the first time I've been to a CSO breakfast, and thank thank Lenny. He asked me Thursday night to come and speak, and he it's a cool deal. Now this is just my experience with, establishing my relationship with God. That's why I'm gonna share with you, you know, from through my point of view. You know, I I I grew up, in Portland, single mother, you know, on Grant Street and finally moved to a place where I, turned 18 at.

13 years, I lived on Munjoy Hill. And, you know, that's not what makes me alcoholic even though I like to say it did. You know? I, you know, very, very early on, you know, I I I thought there was something wrong with me at at a very young age. When I was, in elementary school, they had me, go to these classes.

They were special ed classes. And they had me go in and and they thought there was all these things wrong with me. You know, my handwriting was really bad. You know, I was just really acted out, violent kid. So very early on, I had this impression that there was something something very, very wrong with me.

And, so I spent the rest of my life, you know, thinking there's something wrong with me because that's the only reason why I drink and drug, you know, is to feel right inside. You know, the funny thing is is that after I I I got a little older, I was, you know, I was gifted. I had all these talents. You know, I was in I was involved in acting and things like that. So I had this really confused message my whole life of who I was and and what my purpose was.

My first spiritual experience was at 6 years old via a coffee brandy bottle, you know. And my mother gave me that drink. And I don't think she gave it to me thinking that, you know, understand the consequences it was out there on my life. But that was my first spiritual experience. You know, it changed everything the way I I viewed life.

And, I I a very very young age of 6 years old. And I can't tell you what I got for Christmas, you know, at 6 or anything significant in my life at 6 years old. But, man, do I remember that first drink? You know, and, I I spent a lot of time in my life trying to get myself in a better position in life. You know, everybody in my in my life, my mother, my friends, you know, were always trying to get me in a better position just like a detox or or an outpatient program.

You know, I was so convinced that if I could just get in a better position like that, I could finally be happy because that's what I've been doing my whole life, just trying to be happy. And my experience is just this and nothing less. I spent 100 of hours and money I finally got some bills when you start looking at your meds, in outpatient programs, detoxes, halfway houses to find only one thing, that the steps are free. You know? We spent a a a long time, you know, wondering how I can be happy.

And, I found it through through God, you know, through, through the steps, you know. I have, I've had what lost the power of choice, you know, and drink. You know, I have to get clean and sober on it on a spiritual basis. You know? That that's my problem.

That's my powerlessness. You know? I, I but the funny thing is is that once you find some power, you know, you have some power in your life. I don't remain powerless forever. You know, I get some power today.

My first experience I came in AA the very first time. My first sobriety date was, was May 1, 2000, and and it was it was about 12 days before my my 21st birthday. So that tells you where I was at in my life. And, a woman actually 12 stepped me. So if you did if you're in here and you don't think you're gonna have the opposite sex, you're wrong, you know, because she carried the message to me.

She brought me into a detox meeting and left me in the back and then and, and left me there. I was I was fresh out of, you know, 3 detox runs and, you know, I thought I had all the answers. You know? I I I think that we have a lot of people out there that are well intentioned, but they they really can't help all of us. You know?

They can help us with a lot of other things, but they can't help us with alcoholism and drug addiction. You know? We have experience with that. We have the power to do something no one else can do. And, I stayed sober.

And the the last time I used prior to that was, at a sober party. I was invited to a sober party. I raided the medicine cabinet, and I stayed up all night, you know, talking whatever principles I thought I had at that time. You know? Principles principles are funny.

You know? A, bank robber has principles. You know? Sometimes we get caught up in this, well, they don't live by principles. Man, everybody has principles.

They have laws and rules that they live by. You know? And I had coach as well, you know, at that time. You know, I I, I got active, man. I had people in my life when I first came into AA that told me the truth.

And I think love and tolerance is telling some of the truth even if you think that you're gonna be hurt. You know? I think that's what a friend is. You know? And then today, I examine how how I am to others, and and I put people in my life that are gonna tell me the truth.

You know? I give people spiritual consent. You know? And I think that's what a sponsor is. You know?

Someone that I give a spiritual license to to tell me the truth. So they told me things like get a sponsor. You know? I'd be I'd be with hanging out with some people in AA, and and they'd be with me the whole time. In 15 minutes, we'll go by and be like, you have a sponsor yet?

I'm like, man, I've been with you, you know, the whole time. You obviously know I haven't got a sponsor. And they said it over and over and over again. And they love me enough to know that, I needed, you know, a spiritual program of action. And, you know, I got a sponsor, and I started to work the steps.

And it's a funny thing about alcoholics. You know, once once you get a little time under your belt, you know, you you get, you know, you get the job, you you get the house, you know, you get all these material things that we think we need so badly. And once I got that all lined, you know, I wasn't anymore the the, the creature. I started becoming the creator. I didn't need you guys anymore, and I I sure didn't want your help.

I had this locked down. And after about a year of being clean and sober and I share this not in bad taste, but just to give you an idea what happens, you know, when you remove alcohol from the alcoholic or drugs from the drug addict, is I, I was a year sober working for an escort service thinking I was gonna bring the girls that I was driving for to god. You know, that's where I was at. That's my mentality. That and that was a viable solution, man.

You know, that was a viable solution, and it worked well, you know, for about a month. And I ended up going back out. And I'll tell you what. You know, what makes me an alcoholic because I think it's important to know what it is to be an alcoholic. Because if if I don't understand what it is to be an alcoholic, I'm not gonna stay here.

You know? And if I don't have a job in AA, I'm not gonna stay here either. If I'm not active, I'm not gonna stay here. I'm just gonna go right out the door. And, what I found and what the big book says is an alcoholic and it talks about in a few different places is is the, the fact that I can't guarantee you how much I'm gonna drink.

You know, I might set out just drink 3, but I might have 6. You know what I mean? Or or 15 most of the time. But, you know, I don't have the power to guarantee how much I'm I'm gonna drink. And knowing that, when my mother and everybody in my life, when the job was on the line, everything was on the line, I looked them dead in the eye and said I'm not gonna do anymore, and I'd do it anyways.

Knowing that, more convincing testimony is that when I stayed sober for a year you know, man, I didn't have no mental obsession any longer after a year, but I had the crazy thinking. I had the crazy thinking upstairs, man. My problem is once I get sober, the mental state that proceeds picking up the first drink. And the only thing that straightens that out is a spiritual experience. You know, I have a malady.

And it tells me before the discussion, the resentment, the 4 step that yeah, I have a malady and that once I take care of the malady, I straighten up mentally and physically. You know? So I had no power, man. You know? I had I had no power, for a long time.

Lack of power has been my dilemma my whole life, you know, really has. And, and today, I I don't live like that. You know, I have some power, You know? A guy once said, and it was said best, you know, grace lasts as only long as ignorance. And once you see some truth, you need some power in your life to do do something with the truth that you see.

You know? God's grace falls on all of us evenly, and and I just sometimes are willing to accept it more than others. You know? So what happened is is I I came out, when I went back out, I was drinking. I was going to the store, and and I didn't wanna go, and I was doing it anyways.

And and my last drink that I had, you know, was in January of 2003. And, it was nothing different than the last time that I went out. You know, I was sitting at a strip club, and I was drinking, Captain Morgan's and and Coke. And, something came over me, you know, and then, and it said, Mike, go back to AA. You know, I just could not stand doing what I was doing anymore.

And that and that wasn't a big bottom. You know? I had worse bottoms and things I have in my life, you know, sober than that. You know? But, it came over me so strong and powerfully that, that was the last time I had a drink.

And I I up until that point, I absolutely had no power to choose whether I'm not gonna do this or not. You know, I don't have the power to choose whether I'm gonna stay sober or not. You know, if I have the power to do that, I wouldn't be here with you crazy guys. You know what I mean? I'd be out, you know, being selfish and dishonest somewhere else.

You know? But, you know, that was that was the case. And I came into the fellowship, and I knew there was a solution. You know? And and I think that there's a big difference between the fellowship and the program.

You know, the fellowship is a cool deal. You know? You can come in and say you're a member and you're a member. You know, the program of action, which has been around for, you know, 70 plus years is in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's very clear what that is into the 12 steps. You know?

It's kinda funny when I think about it. Like, what what would I what was I doing in a in a program if I'm not working the steps? You know what I mean? It just doesn't make any sense. So, I started to to to embark in the the journey to the 12 steps, and I continue to today.

I haven't finished all my amends, and I and I and I fall short of, God's glory all the time. And I try to do his work to the best of my willingness, you know, and that's and that's through action and, pain, you know, is when I wanna practice this stuff. So I I set out, you know, to to rejoin the fellowship and work the program of Altaox Anonymous. And today, instead of feeling the spirit of the fellowship, I've I've definitely felt the fellowship of the spirit. And, you know, I, I, by no means, like I said before, do this perfectly.

And and the only thing that I did was get a sponsor, you know, our mentor, You know? And I gave him the consent. And, I started to work the the steps rapidly. You know? And, when it gets up to the 4th step, you know, that that's on me.

You know? It's how fast I can write. Same thing with the men's, how how quickly I wanna go out and and get right with God. And I think that, you know, I sit down with guys and they say, you know, why what is the difference between me and you? And there is no difference.

You know? I'm just a goon. You know? I I'm just a freak show. And, and I'm I'm just like them.

And and the only thing that's different is I've done some things. You know? I've I've cleared this stuff up. I give this analogy to talk about, you know, being at the mall. That's something we can all relate to.

You know, the main mall and Christmas, and I'm standing in the food court. And God's at one end, and I'm at the other end. And I'm talking to God. I'm like, yo. You know, I need your help, and he's back trying to give me the answers and all this noise is in between us.

You know? And I and we're trying to it's like, you know, I can't I can't communicate with him. Anyway, I think what the steps does is it clears that solely up, you know, the noise between me and God. And I don't know how to talk to God. I have to listen to God too.

You know, my whole life, I've wanted one ways, you know, relationships with people and things and places. You know? And today, I learned that that it's, it's definitely a a two way deal. You know, so, you know, coming in into the fellowship and working the steps is is is not an easy thing. You know?

It's it's a it's a time consuming process, but, as long as I do it and I continue to do it, you know, I have a I have a wonderful experience, whenever I'm doing it. You know, the, the biggest one of the biggest lessons I've learned about happiness because that's that's my big thing. You know, I just wanna feel good right now. You know, that's that's really what I'm concerned with is, you know, a guy once said, a real hero of mine, once said, you know, how can I ever be happy if the things I believe in are different from the things I do? You know, how can I ever if I have these these things that I feel in my heart that are right, how can I ever be happy if I'm doing the exact opposite and I'm not trying to practice that?

And and I think that's that's what I try to do today. You know? I I, I don't always wanna go out and meet with a guy. I don't always want to answer my phone, but I do it. You know?

It says that selfishness and self centeredness is the root of my troubles, you know, and and that's the case with me. Now the 3rd step is is is taught me a lot. You know, the 3rd step in the discussion, the 3rd step tells me that that I have a new employer, you know, and then being all powerful to provide what I need as long as I do his work well. You know, I perform his work well. And I thought that I was gonna come into AA and learn how to live life on life's terms.

You know, I I was convinced that, you know, that that's what I'll learn. You know? And I've learned something differently than that, and I wanna share that with you. I've learned that I've learned how to live life on God's terms. You know?

And there's a big difference because I've been living life on life's terms my whole life. That's my problem. You know? But living life on God's terms is my job today. And it and it's only through action and prayer and meditation and, seeking power and truth about myself that that I'm able to do that.

You know, the the I think that the message I'd like to convey today is one for the new guy. You know? I wanna thank everybody that came in AA and our sister fellowships because my first experience with with, AA was through Alan team, when I was younger. But I wanna thank everybody, that was ever involved in in our fellowship and sister fellowships out there, to stick around that stuck around. And I wanna thank the people that, you know, talked about God in meetings, you know, even though some of us don't like to do that.

I wanna thank you because that's the only thing that can help a guy like me. You know, and, the new guy it's funny. You know? Sometimes I'll go into AA meeting and I'll see someone next to me and I'll know that they're new and I won't say nothing to them. You know, I do it.

You know? But there's more important thing is that, you know, the new guy that comes in and if you've been around and you you bet you're in a meeting that you're familiar with, you know, we know a couple of things even if we haven't worked the steps, so we can't sponsor somebody. And I say this from time to time, and, something I've been thinking about lately. You know, the 2 most simple things that that an alcoholic needs when it goes in a meeting is where's the coffee and where's the bathroom? You know?

And that's something that I think all of us can do as long as we we're in a meeting that we're familiar with. We know where the coffee in the bathroom is. And, when I'm really doing this stuff, I I I, you know, I'll ask somebody. If I don't know who they are, I'll introduce myself to them and, ask them if they've been there before. And, most of the time, you know, after been around for a while, you can tell who you guys are.

You know? And, I asked them and and I tell them where the coffee in the bathroom is. More importantly is the fact that, that we need the newcomer. You know, there's guys out there that I can't, you know, I can't get. You know, my approach to things in the way that, that I am, my personality, the things that I've experienced, because it's my story, you know, is, is different.

And I can't always grab every guy, you know. But, the new guy that comes in, you know, they have the power, you know, to help others. And, we need newcomers to to carry the message, to do service with, to do all these things. We need them to stay sober. So if you're new in here, you know, I I beg you to to to work the steps.

You know, find out first if you're an alcoholic because I'm, you know, like I said, I'm the real McCoy. Find out if it's the real deal or not. You know, work the steps, then turn around and help someone else. You know? Because it's a wonderful thing, you know, to to have the power to to help somebody.

And and I find that I learn more through myself as I put myself out there, you know, and and, do things like this and and knowing that, sit 1 on 1 and share my experience with the guy and share what my experience was just working the steps. You know, that that that in itself is something that I have to offer now that I've done it. Before, all I could do was, you know, sit in meetings, you know, and, and shut my mouth and, you know, try to be a service, the best that that I'm able to. So, again, I thank everybody for for being here, and, I thank, everybody that that sticks around, you know, and helps us carry the message of hope, to the new guy. That's all I have.