The Austin Greysheet OA meeting in Austing, TX

When those food addicts they talk about in this book, I'm a hopeless case, an absolutely hopeless case, but I didn't realize that. Didn't realize it when I came into these rooms. It took me a long time to see that. My story is I grew up in Peoria, Illinois. Food addiction ran in my family.

My father is a food addict. My grandmother died, in her early fifties of a heart attack. She was over £300. My dad, when he was chasing some of tracing some of his Jeep, he had a picture of his great uncle. He used to live above a bar, down on a town square.

He was approximately £600, £700 evidently. He died in his sleep also. There was an article written up in the newspaper that he found that described how they had to cut the window off of the actual, outside of the building and get a crane in and lower him down. This disease kills and I had it, but I didn't know it. All my life, I've had a dysfunctional relationship with food.

When I was growing up, my family's viewpoint my dad being a a food addict, we were either dieting or we weren't dieting and that's what I grew up learning. It was not unusual for us to be sitting at the table next to dad was the food scale. You know, we look at that today and say, oh, God, whether that you know, but for me that was normal. That was normal. You know, you you either dieted, you lost your weight, then you turn around, you were good, and then you could start eating again.

That was the cycle that we all went through, dieting, eating, dieting, eating. I never learned what it was like to eat normally in my household. This is what was expressed to me and this is what I picked up. But, as I came to learn nor later, I don't know what normal is and I probably never would have learned what normal is. I can't blame that on on my food addiction by by no means.

My my father, with his mother being so large growing up, had this, great fear about fat. And all of a sudden, he had a daughter that ex showed signs of gaining weight, and that was very, very scary for him. So what I heard from his him was you need to lose weight. You shouldn't eat that. And so all these things got put into my head.

I was a relatively normal kid, normal size, up until the 5th grade. And in the 5th grade, my parents had heard about some crosstown busing issue and felt they didn't want us to put that into that, so they transferred us to, a private parochial school. And, I had all my friends that I had over there. I had great relationships, friendships, and all of a sudden, this was being taken from me. And I didn't know how to handle that.

I was sad. And what I did during that summer before then is I started eating. I learned that the pain went away when I ate. When I ate, food changed the way I felt. I loved how food made me feel.

From a very early age, I loved how it made me feel. All of a sudden, I wasn't so scared. All of a sudden, I wasn't so bad, all the sudden life was not so difficult for me. For whatever brief period of time when I ate, life was okay. So I used food.

You know, did I consciously know that I used food? No. Only through the clarity of abstinence in this program did I ever learn or understand why I used food. I just know I like to eat. I like how it tastes.

That's what I knew. And so I would seek out ways, to get what I liked because I was in charge of fixing my own feelings. I was in charge of running my life. I was responsible, you know. And if I if the world didn't go the way I wanted the world to go, then I wasn't happy.

And I needed to fix the way I felt. What I didn't realize is that I had kind of a warped view of what the world should be like and that was part of my disease. I had certain belief systems that I call my musts. You know, in my head I must be a certain way or I have no value. I must look a certain way or I have no value.

I must do something for you or I don't have this value. And you know that's awfully hard to live up to. And you all had certain musts in my my eyes. You must treat me a certain way. You must act a certain way.

You must be reasonable to me. You must be considerate to me. You must be loving to me or you're no good. So I protected myself that way. And I had certain views of what the world needed to be like.

And my relationship in it, life must be fair. Life must treat me well. Life should be easy. Life should be hassle free. These are my musts.

So I I view the world in this way. And you know what, the world isn't that way. It's not. My head told me that. So I went through life thinking all this was there and it caused a tremendous amount of pain, thinking all this was there and it caused a tremendous amount of pain inside of me when I couldn't live up to the expectations.

It caused a tremendous I pain. I didn't know what to do with it. But what I remembered, what I automatically went to is food changed the way I felt. All of a sudden, you know, I'm prettier. All of a sudden, I'm wittier.

All of a sudden, I fit in with the world as long as I eat food and my problems went away. And food did it for me. You know, it made me able to live through the pain of my childhood. Because when I went to the the public schools or the private schools, no one liked me. Here I was, the fat girl.

Here I was, I didn't fit in. I already had these must views in the in my mind going on. And all of a sudden, I was the girl that everyone when I walked in the room, they turned around, you know, laughed. I was the girl on the bus that kids used to turn around and spit on. I was the girl that was last on every team except for Red Rover because I was so big I could walk and walk through there.

I'll tell you, I was one of the first ones. I had no coordination. I had no friends. I was lonely. And when I was lonely, who did I turn to?

Food. Food changed the way I felt. All of a sudden I wasn't so lonely as long as I had my food. And it continued on. But, you know, you can't have something do for you unless it ends up doing something to you.

And food started doing to me more than it did for me. It started taking away choices in my life. Food took away my childhood. I could have had relationships with people, I could have had a good relationship with my father, but I chose food above that. Food took away a sense of god in my life.

It became the god in my life. Food took away, got a list over here. I did this. It took away the relationships with friends I never had. It took away my self esteem.

I was £200 in grade school. £200. I wore my pain. I wore my pain. I missed opportunities because I had my low self esteem.

I could never do this. They would never want me. Mhmm. I lost memories. Memories I can never get back.

You know, memories of my senior prom I couldn't go to. Memories of, you know, joyous events that I was never there because I didn't want people to see me. Pictures that I was never in because I couldn't couldn't face being seen at that weight. It took away time. Time I will never get that time spent in my mind thinking, how can I get this weight off?

How can I get this food that I want? What's it gonna take for me to feel good? It took away time planning the bitches, eating the bitches, it took time away from me. I will never ever get back. It took away my relationship with my husband.

I couldn't relate to him, I was moody. Everything was his fault because of my must in the world. He never measured up to what he was supposed to be. It it was we developed a dysfunctional way of dealing with one another that to this day we still are having to work through. You know, I I would walk into my closet and and, you know, I have nothing to wear.

I took away my choice. You know, was I gonna be in a size 16 this week or was I in a size 24? I didn't know. It varied from week to week to week. It took away my relationship with my child.

I could not be present for that child. I couldn't. My needs had be satisfied. I spent time eating. You know, I come first.

I was not present. Granted, his needs got met, but they got met after mine. I was not the mother I wanted to be and I couldn't be. It took away boyfriends. It took away jobs because I didn't think I was qualified, because I didn't think I had the image, because I didn't think that I could do it.

It took away my health. You know, today I wear dentures. Dentures at 40 years old. Why? Because of what I did to my body with food.

Because of what I did. I had thyroid disease that was just rampant. Part of the problem I had is I used to abuse my thyroid pills in an effort to be able to maintain my weight. So my head tells me the disease of more, if I take more of these, I won't gain weight. If I exercise more, I won't gain weight.

All of that took it away. You know, I I walked in here at £250. You know, my body was swollen out to here. I had ripples of skin. You know, when I lost my weight, I still had skin that didn't retract back out.

You know, I used to have sores that used to be between my legs because of the rubbing of the pantyhose back and forth. You know, here I was, a 30 year old woman that had to buy desitin to put between her skin folds because that was the only way. This disease cost me so much. But could I stop? No.

I came in here by the grace of God. I had tried every diet. I had spent 1,000 and 1,000 and 1,000 of dollars. Give me this, make me me thin. Because you know what I thought my problem was?

My problem was because I was fat. That's my problem. Everyone would treat me well if I were thin. My life would be wonderful if I were thin. Life starts when I'm thin.

So you know what? My pursuit, my ability, what I needed to do was become thin. And I chased that and chased that and chased that for 33 years. I was on my first diet at 6 months old. That tells you something.

That tells you something. And, I came in here and, what I learned was just because I wanted to stop eating did not mean that I could. I walked in here and I saw a beautiful woman leading the meeting. I looked around, I saw a thin person, a thin person, a thin person. And I saw the glow on their face and I thought, my god.

So I found something that worked. Oh, I want this. You know, I I see recovery. I want this. You know?

I'll do what you want me to do. I'll do what you want me to do. I didn't realize I couldn't stop. I didn't realize that. Food had power over me.

I didn't have power over that, and I didn't understand that. Because all I ever knew was diet, diet, diet. What I thought my problem was was the weight. What I didn't realize is I had a broke brain. I had a broke brain.

The way I saw my reality was not reality. That was what my problem was. And because I could not deal with that pain, I couldn't deal with the reality, I hate. I came in here and okay. You gave me a a gray sheet.

I did the okay. This is what I'm gonna have. You need to call 3 people a day or a day to tell them and talk to them? Okay. I'll do that.

Need to go to 2 meetings a week? Okay. I'll go to Wednesday Saturday's meeting and I'll do this. But you know what? That feeling of hope started to go away because of what really, you know, my my must, but what really is that what this book calls the spiritual malady, the spiritual malady.

I had a spiritual disease, didn't know that. I didn't know that at all. I had no choice. So I went in here and all of a sudden as much as I wanted, as hard as I tried, I don't pick and chose everything I want. The message was here.

Megan, you're powerless over food. You're a compulsive operator. Okay. I'm powerless over food. I'm a compulsive operator.

But you know what, I hadn't conceded to my innermost self. Our book tells us we must concede to our innermost self innermost self before we are able to take step 1. I hadn't conceded. I may have admitted I'm I'm a food addict. I've accepted.

Okay. Yep. Yep. I hadn't done that. I only thought I had.

And the next thing you know I would eat. You know, look at everything I threw in the basket. This basket is my disease. I sat there, I threw in my childhood, my relationships, my boyfriend, my self esteem, my memories, my opportunities, 1,000 of dollars on diet, my child, my husband, my jobs, my relationships, my health. My God, what it cost.

Every time I ate, I had to throw something in the basket every time because my disease demanded more and more and more, and you would have thought, you would have thought, look at all I've given up. Look at everything I've given up. How could I possibly turn to this? But I did because the pain of life was too much. I didn't realize and I did not understand my disease.

You all taught me my disease. I went for 13 months in this cycle, in this cycle of being what the alcoholic people called dry. D r y, doing recovery yourself. I had denial, d e n I a l. Don't even know I am lying.

Don't even know I am lied to. I didn't. Let me read you something after one of my binges. One of my binges that I come in here and I realized the cost of my disease and yet I couldn't stop because I wanted to. My head is throbbing with a special dizziness and incoherence I had I only get with food.

There is a weight in the upper half of my stomach that is bloating out, and there is an expansion that's pressing upward and hurting. I feel nauseated. The gas trapped in my body will escape from time to time I belch. My fingers are swollen. My rings are tight and uncomfortable.

My body is warm. I am uncomfortable. A light sweat is above my upper lip. As I turn my head to look at Hakes, I feel reposed at myself. Why?

Why? Why? Have I learned nothing? Have I learned nothing? Why would I do this to myself?

Can I learn to deal with my world? My God, I'm 33 years old. As I sat yesterday and I've tried to escape from the world, the escape was only temporary. The food did not taste as I had imagined prior to the binge, and the guilt was there with each bite I reached for, but I ate. I could not get enough.

The food cravings that had plagued me the past few days were fulfilled with an earnestness, but nothing made me feel good inside. My husband had to have known. I am embarrassed and afraid. Yesterday, I laid on the couch in a stupor. I raged when he selected a show and used it as an excuse to go lay in bed and passed out.

My child only wanted love and affection, yet I yelled at him to leave me alone as I lay in my passed out state on the bed. My husband comes in and asked me why I'm laying down at 6:30 at night. I blame him to take the thoughts off of myself. I am afraid. I get a caffeinated soda to stay awake as I promised my son to watch The Wizard of Oz with him for the first time.

What will I do tomorrow? I will be good. I will be abstinent till the next binge. Maybe I was hopeless. I will eat it more.

I'm afraid to give up my source of pleasure. My source of pleasure. Pleasure? Is it pleasure or is it hell? It was hell.

And I was stuck in a cycle, an absolute cycle. I am a hopeless boot addict. I wanted it more than anything else in the world, but I didn't understand my disease. I have a 3 fold disease. As a big book says, I have lost my power in eating before, during, and after.

I lose it when I eat. When I eat, when I put my binge foods, I'm not allergic to all foods, but I have an abnormal reaction with certain foods. For me, it's sugar and refined carbohydrates and I follow a food plan that eliminates those because I don't ever wanna get cravings again because that's what happens. I put 1 in my body and my head goes more. I need more.

I need more, and it has me. And when I put it down, my head says, you know, I I never wanna do this again. Please, please, I never want to do this again. I never wanna do this again. I have made up my mind.

I'm swearing it off. And all of a sudden, my head says, it's okay. Yeah. You can deserve it. This won't matter this time.

It tells me all sorts of lies and I cannot see the truth from the false. I cannot remember the price. Loss. And when I put the food down of my self will, and I'm gonna be absent tomorrow. The spiritual malady, the must, the way, the distorted view of reality that I have gets me.

I become restless, irritable, and discontented like the big book says. I'm preyed in misery and depression. Selfishness and self seeking, driven by a 100 different forms fear. All of that. And all of a sudden, that little obsession of the mind, it's okay.

That'll make you feel better. The food did not taste as I had imagined obsession of the mind, I was powerless. But the obsession of the mind, I was powerless. If I picked it up, the cravings got me. If I put it down, the middle of session got me.

And if I was absent, one end up the spiritual malady got me. I am powerless. I but I didn't realize that. What was my moment of truth? You know, what does it take?

What is it do you all have? How do I get rid of this? What's my problem? All my life I didn't know what my problem was. I didn't know what my problem was.

You know, what's the matter with you people would ask me as if I knew? I didn't know. I did not know what what you I have a 3 fold disease. You know? No.

That that they didn't understand that. And they don't have to understand that. I have to understand that. I have to. Nobody else nobody else can diagnose my food addiction but me.

Absolutely. It's what the big bump calls the concession. You know, is it what what is it? People call it hitting bottom. What is hitting bottom?

I love what someone said in a meeting, love. It's the moment where I said, Help. Help. I can't do it. I can't live in this world.

I cannot live with the with food, and I can't live without it, and I can't stop eating of my own. Help me, please. And God answered my prayer. God answered my prayer. And I started working this program.

Not my program. This program. The program Through that steps 123, my relationship with God was restored. 4, 5, 6, and 7, my relationship with me was restored. 8, 9, my relationship with you was restored.

10, 11, and 12, I seek restored. 10, 11, and 12, I seek spiritual growth. Today, I have no choice but to work this program because I am a food addict of this type. Our book tells us, you know, we either continue on to the bitter end or accept spiritual help. You know that's that's the difference and do you think, you know, gosh, you would think, okay, well that all happened.

All is fine and good, Megan, you must be sitting up here with 8 years of abstinence. Good for you. But you know what? That's not my story and that's not my path. Because as they say, food is a subtle foe.

Back in, 2003, I guess it was, I started getting some of that spiritual malady back. I started resting on my laurels. People started acting not the way I thought they would act. And I started reacting, my character defects started become a little little more obvious to me. You know what?

And I didn't listen. And I didn't listen. And I didn't listen. And I made some choices based on self that put me in a position to be hurt. And the next thing you know I caught a major, major, major resentment.

And as what does the big book say? Our number one offender? Resentment. And I walked around. I may have worked the program, but I wasn't working the program.

I wasn't working the program. I cannot afford resentment, and I had one. And I milked it and I milked it. And from resentment comes all other forms of spiritual disease. And this resentment gradually took me spiraling down and down and down and down.

And at one point, I went from a luncheon with OA people. They're sitting here in this room and came back to my work. You know, And my hand went bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And I sat there and my boss was bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And the self pity and I was just restless, irritable, discontent, fearful, everything.

And I could not see the truth from the false. And I went to the refrigerator in the back of the division and opened it up and there was something there. You know, you've not tried that. You could probably have that with any problem just like the man in the big book did. Just like I could just have a little bit of whiskey in my milk.

You know? It won't hurt me on a full stomach. Well, I have full stomach. You know, I have I've I've been able to incorporate some of that in my faith. This won't hurt me.

You know, let's try a little experiment here. Is that sane thinking for someone that had lost all of this? Absolutely not. But my obsession of the mind, the disease had me, and the next thing you know, I hate it. Did it trigger the the the cravings?

No. Not really. But it it what it did for me. Oh, fuck. I just broke my abstinence.

Oh, well, I'm gonna eat what I really wanna eat. And I was off and running, and my binges were bigger than you ever saw. 10, 12,000 calories, stepping it in my mouth as fast as I could. I didn't care. Stealing things from the store, all those things that I would have liked never to do and hadn't done for years, I was off and doing again, off and doing again.

And the pain was there. And then I thought to myself, okay. You know, what I really needed was a relief from having all this pressure, and I've done it, and I've gone there. So it's okay. I'm gonna go okay.

I'm gonna be honest with everyone and tell them I broke my absence, and I just won't have this responsibility to my sponsees and I won't have this responsibility here and let me get out of all this sort of stuff. And I'd answer all my problems, to, you know, the surrender? Did I concede to my innermost self again that I was a food addict? No. I tried to do recovery again myself.

I tried to stay dry. And what I did, you know, I I went back to my sponsor and I was was hopeless, and I was helpless, but something in me hadn't fully conceded. I somehow thought because I remember eating and thinking, god, why the hell did I give this up? You know? This is great.

I I should do this once a month. I should do this once a month. Once a month would be okay. Insanity. But that's what my head told me.

They told me it was okay. You know? And I bought the live hook, line, and sinker. And I went from April until November thinking that I can do it. I'll do it.

I I had 6 probably 6 binges during that time because every time I did, I never wanted to do it again. I never want to do it again. I started reading the big book. I started doing what they think did but you know what? I wasn't working the program.

I can read all I want. Knowledge avails us nothing. I wasn't working the program. In my meditation I got work the steps, Megan. I'll find my self a self sponsor a set sponsor in the right amount of time, you know, and I I always feel miserable.

What shifted for me was when I, was absent for a period of time and a newcomer to this meeting came up. And I had been doing all this big book reading and understanding. I had some knowledge and she had some knowledge of the big book and we used to like to talk about some of those things and, you know, know, I enjoyed her company. She was in a lot of pain. She was not in a position to surrender or anything, but I look forward to seeing her.

I really look forward to seeing her at this meeting. And, at one point, she came up to me and says, you know, I can't do this. I just can't do this. This is, you know help me. Tell me what I need to do.

And that was it for me. That was a shift in me. That was a shift in me. You know, before I had prior to that I had conceded. Prior to that, in November, I had realized I could not stop.

Once again, I had realized that and I was actively seeking to do that, but on my terms, you know, I was lucky I was playing Russian Roulette. I was playing Russian Roulette, but God graced me. And he gave me a a person. Our big book says we must work with others. And he gave me a purpose.

He gave me a purpose to be abstinent and to help other people. And through that, it helped me. Everything, almost everything I have learned about myself in this program, I've learned from you. All of you. And I've learned through working with other people.

They are the bright spot in my day. Today I can say, you know, I am one of those people that I feel have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body, but my recovery is contingent on a fit spiritual condition. It has certain things that I have to to do, and one of the things I have to do is work with others, and nothing brings me more joy in anything. The promises have come true to me. Food did everything for me that the promises do for me today, and the cost was so high.

Today I have so much joy that, you know, the first person that calls me, earlier in the morning, when I get to work, you know, what you know, what's what's up with you? You know, I have so much joy walking in that, you know, I I break into tears because I'm so happy about my life. My life is nothing I would have imagined and everything I ever wanted. I have the ability, as Joe and Charlie say, to live 2 lifetimes in one. What a beautiful gift.

You know, my first thought is not me, me, me. But how can I best serve you? What a great thought. And that just comes automatically. I am absolutely free around food.

Nothing calls me. Thank you, God. I can touch it. I can feel it. And I don't sit there and salivate.

I couldn't do that before. I could not do that. You know, I'm not full of fear. I am not. You know, this program works.

These steps work. You know, as I heard in the meeting, I asked all my sponsors the other, why is this color of this book blue? Because it's a blueprint for life. We have to not only know this program, we have to live this program. And through it, our lives become so much better and we recover.

May you pick up the book, may you work the steps, and may God bless each and every one of us. Thanks.