The Austin Greysheet OA meeting in Austing, TX

Before abstinence, what happened and what it's like today. And, believe it or not, I always get so uncomfortable talking in front of groups and talking about this. So please bear with me. I'm not perfect, but, you know, part of the growth in the program that I have today is the ability to to sit with that and realize it and be okay with it. So I'm going to go ahead and start my pictures around.

I think pictures tell everything in between what the words I miss. I'm a food addict, compulsive overeater, whatever you want to call me, bulimic. I I have issues with food. I have an unnatural relationship with food compared to other people in this world. As far back as I can remember, my life revolves around food.

You take any event that I look back on, vacations, celebrations, holidays, I can tell you when we ate and what we ate and what I liked, it was all about the food. That was my memories of so much of of my life because that was what my focus was on, the food. I didn't experience much of my life because I wasn't present for it because what I was present for was the food, the thoughts of food and the, eternal search of trying to find the food to fix what was inside of me. I was relatively a normal child although I I like to start my my story off and tell everyone that I was on my first diet when I was 6 months old, because I was overweight as a as a baby and the doctor looked at me and and told me, you know, this child's too heavy. You need to put her on a diet.

And you know, that was the start of my diets. My diets continued my entire life until I came to OA. For me, food became a real problem in 5th grade. That's when I really remember it to be an issue. What happened in 5th grade was that, the public schools that I was enrolled in were starting this cross town busing type thing and they were gonna bus me across town to a school that my parents didn't feel was the right element for me.

And so what they did is they pulled me and my sister out of school, and you know, I can remember my grades, you know, being in the public schools and having all these friends and all this wonderful, you know, interaction and enjoyment of life and being told that you're going to be going to this strange school this next year. And that was very scary for me. And what happened that summer is I started to put on weight. I started to really use food. So when I went to 5th grade, I was the chunky girl.

You know, I was wearing whatever the half size is. I had to go to the husky girl sized, area, to be able to start getting my clothes. And going into a new school at that age, I wanted to fit in and I didn't fit in. People made fun of me because I was heavy. I felt, like I didn't belong.

And I didn't end up having any friends. I was isolated. And what did I do with that uncomfortableness? I continued to eat because that's all I knew what to do to handle those feelings. My parents, bless their hearts, could not there be there for me present emotionally.

They had their own stuff that they had to deal with. So I I dealt with it on my own. The only way that I figured out how I could do that, and that was to use food. Because for me, when I used food, it changed the way I felt. I didn't I wasn't, you know, I didn't have to be in the present moment where I felt so uncomfortable and so inadequate.

Food took me away to a make believe world and where I felt safe at least for that time. And that was the relief that I sought. I, growing up, I was very much in isolation because I never did make friends in that school. I had one friend who lived in the neighborhood that I knew beforehand that I kept in touch with. And that was really my only friend until high school.

And I didn't see her during the day. The kids, you know, I I have horrendous stories about, you know, how, you know, I was made fun of, about my size, how, you know, they used to call me names, how I used to get spit on. I was led to believe that I was totally unacceptable because I was fat. And that set up a belief system in me that if I were thin, I would be okay. So I spent most of my life searching for that euphoria of when I was thin.

I will be okay. But you know what? I couldn't handle the feelings in between the thin and being okay. I had an addiction. During that time, I felt less than.

I used to fight with my parents about my weight. They you know, here I was, I was over £200 in grade school. You know, I was very large and as a parent myself, him to lose weight so that he wouldn't have to deal with the results of that weight. But I did I I was not willing, you know, so it was a constant battle between my parents and myself over my weight. You You know, they would do everything in their power to restrict the food.

I would do everything in my power to get the food. I would sneak, I would steal. I would get into the cupboards and take little bits of stuff out of jars and stuff so they wouldn't see how much I was taking. I would steal from my friends, down the street's parents' house when I was there. I would steal from the store, the candy, or whatever and, you know, stick it in my pockets or whatever.

I would steal money from my mother's purse so that I could go down to the local convenience store. I had to have my fix. You know, I was like a little person strung out on drugs you know at 12 years old. You know, these are the activities that a drug addict has. Yeah, I started them as at that time but truth be known food was my drug.

Food was my drug. Food taste, changed the way I saw the world and the world was a place I was very, very afraid of. You know, I can admit that today but it took work in this program for me to realize I resources to manage everything in my life. And it's only through that program, or this program, that I've come to really understand that and be okay with that. When I was in high school, 1 year I finally decided, you know, that chasing that if I were thin, I would be accepted and okay.

I, for the first time, wanted really to diet because I wanted to be accepted. I wanted a boyfriend. And my mother took me in her eternal, you know, way to be able to find me some resolution for my weight problem to the doctor. And the doctor said, if you can lose a little bit of weight, I'll give you some amphetamines to be able to help you with this process, but you need to show that you're willing to do that. Well, I did lose a little bit of weight.

Willpower, you know, with that willingness to do that got me there and I lost a little bit of weight. My mom took me back. She gave me a prescription for amphetamines and I thought I'd found and died and gone to heaven. You know, I had plenty of energy and, I wasn't thinking about food all the time. And I lost weight that summer.

And I knew when I went back, I looked pretty good. You know, I wasn't thin. I was probably a size 14, 16, but compared to the size 20 girl, I had lost some weight. I got back and people said, Oh, you've lost weight. I actually got noticed.

You know, that was great, well that was too much for me. I didn't have any more amphetamine prescriptions, the doctor only kept me on them for a while and as fellow food addicts, you know, you know, our our issue isn't necessarily that we can't lose weight. Our issue is we can't stay stopped. You know, I can't stop eating. And sooner or later, that willingness to fit in, that desire was superseded by the uncomfortableness of life.

And I started eating again. And next thing you know, my weight had taken off. I, I started rebelling towards the end of my junior year. I discovered alcohol. I discovered drugs.

I can get my amphetamines from other people, and I discovered men. And what I realized, it also did for me what food did for me, it changed the way I felt. And I loved that because I didn't like how I felt. I didn't like meat. Bottom line, I didn't like meat.

I, always was overweight through high school, Came to college. I was overweight when I started college. And my sophomore year, I got mono. And I got very, very, very ill. And this went on for a period of time.

And I pretty much got down to a normal weight. Oh, my God. For the first time in my life, I'm a normal weight. You know, my life's gonna start. Well, that desire so much that, for the companionship and and not having the the isolation was so much that, I pretty much kept most of my weight off for the rest of my college career based on using drugs and alcohol and man, because those 2 changed the way I felt.

I was filling that void within me. Because, deep down, I felt, you know, that that I was a loser. Deep down, I felt there was fundamentally something wrong with me. That no one would like me for who I was if they really knew who I am. I had the mistaken belief that if I just managed everything in my life and it I had it all taken care of in these certain ways and I can do it perfectly, then life would be okay and I would be okay and I would be happy.

And I spent my entire time managing my life. And the results were chaos, very honestly, quite chaos. For me, feelings were very, very uncomfortable. It started in an early age. I didn't like to feel.

And when I ate or when I drank or when I smoked or when I shopped or when I, you know, flirted with men, or kept busy, I didn't have to feel. And, part of my way of managing my life was to do these activities so that my world could be okay and I could be okay. But I couldn't manage those activities. I spent most of my, twenties thirties in diets. You know, I go from one diet to the other.

Like many of you, up £30, down £20, up £40, down £30, up £60, down, you know, £20, you know, you know, every time I get so excited, this is the answer. I'm gonna try this diet and I'm gonna be thin and my life's gonna start and I go out for a while and sooner or later life would catch up with me. And I would eat. And instead of thinking and looking inside of myself, it was a diet. I need to find another one.

I need to find what works. That obviously didn't work. I'll try Nutrisystem and I'll do that for a while and I'm all excited and happy because life's gonna start and then I'd eat again. Well, that one didn't work. Let's go over here.

You know, and I, you know, I'd I'd have diets that didn't work. Go away from the wild. I did Medifast 4 times. You know, it didn't work, but I kept going back because I tried everything else in between. You know, I lived in my head.

I lived with that illusion that if I were thin, I would be happy. If I were thin, people would like me. If I were thin, men would find me attractive. If I were thin, I would be noticed. I blamed all of my problems in my life on the fact that I was fat.

That was the reason that people didn't like me. That was the reason I had marital problems. I felt sorry for myself for that. Everything dealt with my weight. That was that was the issue as far as I'm concerned.

So if I could just find that thing that took care of my weight, I would be okay. You know, eventually, food took more and more and more of my life for me. So that, you know, there really was nothing but the food in me. You know, towards the end of my eating careers, I would sit there and, binge and binge and binge. Wake up in the morning, cry because I had absolutely nothing to wear.

Say, today's gonna be different. I'm gonna do this. And, you know, today was not all different. By afternoon, all that resolve, all that pain was cast aside for what was in the break room. You know, I could not stop eating.

It was a very painful place to be. I came into this program by reading a self help book, about, you know, compulsive overeating. I had never heard anything about that before. I had not known that that was an issue for other people. And when I picked up this book and I read it and this woman described what it was like to be talking to someone, and in the back of her mind, thinking about how can I get away from this person so that I can go downstairs and get my fix, my food and go and binge so that I can feel comfortable?

I thought, oh my God, there's someone else that thinks like me? Let me read more. You know, and one of the things they they, had me do was, you know, to look up an OA meeting and to abstain from sugar. And, tried to do that on my own. Couldn't do it.

Didn't work. But, you know, when I was looking for my next diet, because my husband was, on me and I was going through the phone book, I saw a listing for OA and that stood out for me. Well, I haven't tried that one. Oh, I remember way back when my mother saying something about my aunt losing weight. Well, let me, I haven't tried that one.

Let me call, got a meeting list, sent it to me, and I came here on a Saturday morning. And I sat there and I looked around the room, as I look here today and I see plenty of women that have a light and glow in their eyes that are thin and they've been around for a while. And I thought, oh my gosh, there's people that have found the answer. I want that. I want that.

And it gave me hope. Hope from a position where I felt very hopeless at that point. But, my issue is I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed. And I wanted to do it my way. I had a belief that I, you know, know, that things need to be a certain way.

I didn't wanna give up on my answer to what the issue was with my weight. You know, the the OA told me one thing, but I didn't hear it. I didn't hear it. I heard what I needed to hear based on what my belief systems were at that particular time. You know, they say if you want something fixed a certain way, you're only gonna see it a certain way.

And that was my case. You know, I I wanna pass this around. I did this based on, the book that I read. And this is, you know, it said in the beginning, look and see what is your life missing and what would you like it to look like? And I did this little clutch right here that had pictures of beautiful women friends that illustrated a smiling, happy, joyful woman.

Women who make a difference, well groomed, romantic indeed, traveling, a tale of true love, people dancing. This is what I wanted in my life. You know what? I have that in my life today. What a miracle.

But back to back to the point. When I wanted something fixed a certain way and I did, what I wanted was to be able to do this program like a diet, practice some of the fellowship tools, calling people, calling a sponsor, and going to meetings and I wanted my my issue my my weight to come off so that I could start being okay. That was the answer. And you know what? I couldn't see any other possibilities.

I never heard the word steps. I never heard the word God. Actually, when I heard the word God, I used to bristle because of that, Catholic school background. When I rebelled, I rebelled against religion, I rebelled against God. And when I heard the word God, it was like, oh.

You know, I you know, my mind absolutely closed off to that. I was completely unwilling in that area. This program, the ASA has to have a foundation of willingness. Well, I didn't have a willingness in that area and I couldn't see that as a possibility of the resolution of my food problem. I heard in a meeting, not too long ago that if you don't like the word God, substitute an o.

Instead of God, hear good. And that and, you know, I wish I had heard that way back when because that would have made me a little more open to listening to some of those ideas that I heard passed around. But, you know, a solution was presented before me, you know, the steps, dependence on a higher power, but I couldn't see that possibility because I thought that my way was the right way for me. I the solution was beyond my imagination. That could not be for me.

It might work for you, but it couldn't be for me. Well, for 13 months, I tried my solution and applied my beliefs to my food program and you know what? It was very painful because I would sit in these meetings and watch you get thin and you get thin and you get thin and hear the happiness and see the glow in your eye. And I'd sit here and feel like I didn't have the possibility to even speak to anyone because I had just binged or I'm thinking about food constantly. You know, I, there was no freedom for me.

My way did not work. It may have been getting rid of the sum of the outer manifestation of fat, but it did nothing about how I felt about myself and it didn't stop the obsession of my mind whatsoever. There came a point 13 months into it basically where a woman said to me, Megan, the problem with your program is you don't have a higher power. Well, you know for whatever it was, God had, you know, beaten me down to a point where I came to the realization that my way was not working. And I didn't I had no illusion of value left in my way.

You know, I was in as long as I thought there was some value in the way I looked at things, whether it be my character defects, Well, whatever Well, whatever happened, happened within me. And I and I became surrendered to a point where I was open to change. And in being open to change, I had to believe that there was an answer. And I looked around and I saw the people that had recovered and thought, well, they have an answer. I remember listening to a lady in the meeting and she was talking about how she had done all this stuff and had similar issues and she, this is what she did to be able to get to the point where she recovered.

And so I believed, I came to believe that there was an answer and maybe I could have that answer too if I did what they told me to do. And, you know, belief is an awesome force but it depends on how you apply it. You know, I can use it against myself. I can sit there and berate myself and tell me, you know, negative things and I'm never going to be able to do this or I can use it for myself in a positive way and that's what I chose to do at that particular point. Belief is a choice and I chose something that was good for me.

It was hard, you know, to come to believe there was a power greater than myself when everything in my body went from 0 to 100. I had to start with the, God, if you exist, please make me willing to be willing to to believe you even exist. That's how it had to start for me. You know, because you know what, I wanted faith. I want the absolute assurance, absolutely assurance.

If I give up what I firmly believe and I've protected myself against all my life, I want to be able to know that this is the right thing. And you know what, I couldn't know that. There was, part of the big book in there that really touched me when I read it was, you know, God either is or God isn't. 1 or the other. You know, and you look at all those people that believe in religion.

Could all of them be wrong or could it be me? What a thought. It just opened up the possibility for me. But believing and not acting, you know, is not good. You know, in my program, I came to believe that there was a God through action and results.

But if I believe in God, but still run my life, then, you know, what what good is that belief? I have to be able to use it. For me take my notes here. When I surrendered, I was able to see another alternative. I was able to start working the steps.

I got involved with an AWOL. The steps are principles, are sets of ideas that when applied bring about a change in us. The way I viewed life was not helpful for me, to say the least. You know, when I came into this program, I suffered, I think, for every one of the bedevilments that they call. I was having trouble with my personal relationships.

My husband and I were speaking of divorce. We come back and forth with that one, but I can tell you a good part of it was me. I couldn't control my emotional natures. You know, I was angry at everyone. Everyone was to blame.

I would cry. I hated myself. I was depressed. We were preyed to misery and depression. I couldn't make a living, I was underemployed.

Why? Because I didn't risk. Why? Because I was fat. No one would wanna hire me this fat.

I had a feeling of uselessness. I was full of fear, I was deathly afraid of life. I had to manage it and I couldn't do it. We were unhappy, who was I unhappy? I couldn't seem to be a real help to other people.

These were the signs of my spiritual illness that I suffered from when I came in here. I've heard it said that if my life is a mess, then what I believe is untrue. So I believed that I needed to manage my life. I believed a certain set of ideas that when I applied them didn't work. When I applied the ideas that set about on the steps, it brought about a change in me.

For belief to happen, for faith to happen, belief has to be strong enough to incite a decision. For me, I had to believe that there was an answer in this program and the way I was working it wasn't wrong. That decision, when I made it, had to incite action on my part. I started to pray for a willingness to believe. I got myself a sponsor who had what I wanted and led me on a path to where I needed to go.

I had to be able to have enough action based on that decision to bring about results. Action being following my food plan, action being prayer and meditation, action being trying to elicit a spiritual life, action being involved with the fellowship and it got results. I had to the results had to be strong enough and clear enough for me to be able to see them so that I could have faith that this program works. Today I have faith that this program works and I believe that it'll work for anyone. You know, my problem was my thinking.

My problem was my belief system. OA did not teach me, you know, how, you know, about food, what not to eat. I knew that, you know, I shouldn't overeat. I knew I shouldn't binge. I knew I shouldn't eat junk and you know every time I went on diet I proved that I could do it or whatever.

My problem is I couldn't stay stopped. What O. A. Did for me was teach me how to live in abstinence. How to live in this world and be happy without having to use food to cope.

For that I am eternally, eternally grateful. There is something I I when I talk about thinking, I think you all get a joke a laugh out of this. I sure did. This guy I was listening to not too long ago says, you know, our real problem is our thinking. And I firmly believe that.

And he says, you know, you apply, are you an addict? You take those addict questions and you apply it to your thinking. It really has a lot of meaning. So I'm going to read you a few of these here. Do you lose time from work due to your thinking?

Is thinking making your home life unhappy? Do you think because you're shy with other people? Is thinking affecting your reputation? Have you ever felt remorse after thinking? Has your ambition decreased since thinking?

Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping? Has your efficiency decreased since thinking? Do you think to escape from worries and troubles? Do you think alone? Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of thinking?

Do you think to build up your self confidence? Thinking was my problem. You know, today, you know, Why do I do this program today? Why do I devote the time and the energy to it? You know?

I'm thin. I have been for a while. If that was, you know, if that was what I came for, I have achieved that. You know, I'm here today because I have found a source of strength that I can rely on in every aspect of my life. I never had that before.

That belief and dependence on my higher power who today I choose to find God and to me that is the greatest miracle for me. I don't have to be afraid of life anymore. I can be serene. I know what serenity is and I live in that, a good part of my day. I have a purpose in my life.

I have a feeling that God is using me. I believe God saved me from, you know, a death caused by my addiction and because of that, I need to use that to help others. Today, I can feel things, truly feel things. I was so afraid of feeling for all of my life. And today, I don't have to run away from them.

I recognize they neither are good nor bad, they just are. I have the ability to be present in my life. I'm not thinking about what the next thing I'm gonna eat is or what I had just eaten. I'm not living for tomorrow or afraid of yesterday. I can be present.

I have a fellowship that I've come to love and to feel a part of over the years. Today, I feel good about the person that I am, that I never felt good about the person I was for so many years. This program gives me ability to grow. You know, growth is not always free from pain, but I am growing and I know that. The promises, the promises this program has, you know, tells us about have come true for me.

And let me read those to you. And we will know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity in we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity believe us.

We'll intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. And to top it all off, I have a thin body and a sane mind. Thanks.