West New York Regiona NA Conference

This has been a great weekend, great convention. By a show of hands, I appreciate it. And there's so many great speakers bringing such a great message. And there must be a God because who else would allow imperfect messengers to carry a perfect message? I was in Staten Island about a month ago riding on the expressway.

I saw a sign said, buckle up. It was blinking on and off. And then right a little ways down, it said, buckle up. No excuses. And I was trying to figure out what that meant.

So I figured if I got caught with by the police without a seat belt on, there's nothing I could say to justify not having it on. Nothing. I'm a tell you guys for this next speaker, buckle up. The next speaker is special not because he, well, because he has a great heart and and and a great spirit, but also because he's my sponsor. And what a great introduction.

He is from New Jersey by way of California and by way of Denver, Colorado. So he's come a long way to be here, and let's give him a a good narcotics anonymous welcome. Gil Elle. I need a drink. I'm gonna ask.

They call me Gil. Sir. You're alright, Harold. I want your forestep on my desk tomorrow morning. Wow.

Garrett, thanks for believing in me in my recovery. And, man, this is a kickass convention. I've been to a lot of them, man. This is like they talk about southern hospitality. They better get their ass up here.

Hey, thank the rest of the committee. You all believing in my white ass. Ass. I'll tell you why. If you didn't get the message this weekend, you're bleeping.

That boy's got me all pumped up now. See, I I closed it out. See, I heard what they said and now I know what they didn't say. So you're lucky you got here this morning. I'm gonna fill in the blanks probably.

I hope to. Anyway, I, it is an honor and a privilege to come share my strength, hope, and experience. And, I mean, I was real sick. I mean, I didn't even find n a. I was in the other fellowship, you know.

And and it was in that other fellowship that I met some other addicts. You know, they were hiding out, you know. I knew who they were. They were up against the wall, you know, know, with the NA shirts and hats with the black and white NA. Rhonda's.

When I went to NA, it was guys like Ronnie h who taught me all about NA. They said, look, man. We, you know, we don't know where you came from, but over here, this is what it is. You know, him and Curtis and those boys. And, I'm forever grateful to that.

But, you know, let me back you up. I'm gonna tell you where I came from, you know, New Jersey. And I'm I'm not sure what kind of family I was in. My parents would not make front page of parent magazines, but it was okay. I love them.

And, and, you know, and and I'm still a little nervous. You know, I I was like I go in the I go in the bathroom and I say the speaker prayer, God, please let me be a hit. You know? And so so so this lady, she's like, hey, dude. You nervous?

I says, man, piece of cake. She said, you know you're in the ladies' room? I said, shit. I know I'm nervous. So my false pride goes, Yeah.

Where's the urinals? You know. Anyway. You know, you're trying to make up an excuse. But anyway, you know.

I was raised in a mixed neighborhood. And, I hung around with a family who, they had a big brother who played for the New York Giants. And there was, like, 13 kids in that family, and I hung around with those boys. And, you know, I never fit in Milan. I wasn't a jock.

You know, I couldn't play baseball, basketball. I double dribbled. I discontinued whatever the hell that came out. You know? Know?

And so, you know, I'd be the last kid to get picked all the time. You know, it was like always this, okay, well, take Jill. You know? So I grew up in the fifties sixties. I don't look like it, dude.

I see drugs preserve my ass. I done put no battery acid in my butt. I'll tell you that. But, you know and, I can remember, you know, bringing the kids to my house. They liked my parents.

My parents, their attitude was you can hang out in the basement, smoke some cigarettes, have a few beers. Least we know you're not in street. These guys go back to tell everybody, I like Gil's fans here. They're cool. And my father, he had the Christmas lights up all year round.

You ever see I saw some here out here too. That's the first time I'm an alcoholic, they told me. You know? July, I'm bringing my friends over. My dad's got the Christmas lights on.

They're like, what's up with this? You know, back in the fifties, going over to watch TV. We had 2 TVs. 1 was for picture, 1 was for sound. You know, nothing ever worked.

Nothing ever worked in that house. We had a washing machine that would just wash, take the clothes out of it wet, put them in one that's just fun, you know. And then the dryer never worked. They hang them up down in the basement to look like a can't, you know. And, I didn't fit and belong that way in the sports field, so I joined the gang, fifties sixties.

2 gangs by me. One wouldn't be no fun. You know, just like you see in the dukes and the lords. You know, I joined the lords. Now I'm on a spiritual path I don't even know.

I hook up with one of them little Greer boys and and and they call them the Nat, and he became my buddy. And, in order to blow on the gang how to rob something, first addiction kicks in, stealing. And me and him, we hold up this mom and pop gas station. Old people should have been retired years ago. You know?

He keeps the guy busy. I empty out the register. We're running in the woods, and we got 100 and fifties and twenties of guys in the gang. Woah, man. You guys were cool.

And we were fitting in. We were I mean, I had my hair slicked back. I don't have no pomade. I used Vaseline, slicked my hair back, Black leather jacket. I have boots.

Clip on earring. I don't wanna hurt myself. Tough guy, you know, big tough guy. We we take that money and we buy all common street drugs. Starter drugs are on the call.

Yeah. You know? Turban hydrate, tool and all, anything at all. We didn't care. Some pot.

And, I fit in. I belong. We would buy baseball gloves, bicycles, roller skates, you know, and our parents were like, where the hell you get the money for that? And we used to say, raking leaves, shoveling snow, cutting you know, lie like a rug. You know?

And it's funny. Every time we did something like that, someone would steal our stuff. You know, anything ill gotten brings an ill return. Isn't that true? Yeah.

And so, you know, we thought, Oh, that God, He's after our ass for doing wrong things. And, I was like the neighborhood pharmacist guinea pig. You know, these guys would go home, raid their medicine cabinets, you know, and say I was like, the mic give me the gill. Give me the gill. See, gill.

Try this. See what it does. You know, and I'll be taking you know? And I may believe half the time I was faking a buzz. Oh, yeah.

Get some more of that stuff. You know? I know I know what the hell. It's gonna be a burst control field. You know, what do I know?

You know, I'm playing the role, you know. I read labels today. And, you know, I outgrew the gang after a while, you know, and I always say I married a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. I'm an addict once a while. Anyway, you know, so I go down to the Jersey Shore.

I'm out of the gang now. You know, I'm growing up. And, I meet the blonde, my first wife. And, we settled down right over there and not too far where Harold lived, Lawrence Harbor, New Jersey. Like, 67, wherever the hell it was.

And, I'm on the beach with the hippies, you know, because they got drugs and I like what they have. I got 4 kids in a college and my wife's like, What the hell you doing down there with them people? You don't belong with them people, but they have what I wanted. And finally, she said, you know, I'm out of this marriage. I don't love you no more.

You're down there. You're using, and I'm falling out of love. And I was like, woah. Wait a minute. You know, like, the normie part of me was I was hurt, but the addict part of me was, oh, yeah.

Well, maybe with her out of the way, I'll use the way I wanna use. You know? So she wanted to sell a house, and we split it down the middle. You know? She got the inside.

I got the outside. It was a 2 story home, her story, my story, you know. Damn housekeepers who wanna keep that house too. I'm in the shed in the backyard. My neighbor's going, man, you're really losing it.

You know, if we didn't sell a house, I was gonna get a phone and a mailbox. I live with a shed. Hell with her. I use when I come home loaded, leave loaded, go to work, come home, you know, finally sold a house. I was gone.

When she moved out, my addiction took off. Let me get it. I spilled everything off. My addiction took off. And I can remember coming home.

I was working for Exxon, and, you know, out of support one another. You know, you always find in work people that use, you know. We got a way of finding one another. And so we're coming home and, of course, we're all going through divorces. You know how, you know, birds of a feather flock together.

And so we thought we come at Perth Amboy, New Jersey, where Hal lives now, and and we saw this nightclub called the Playpen. A little Playpen. Alright. And we peek our head in the door, and I'm like, boom. Boom.

Boom. Boom. You know, this music is going. I'm like, yeah, man. This is us.

And I know we took our paychecks and we went downtown Perth Amboy, and we bought us some of these dancing clothes. Like, I had yellow shoes, yellow pants, yellow flower shirt. I'm gonna go boogie, and that's what we're gonna do. You know, and then we found out if you go to this nightclub early in the parking lot, you know, only, like, 10, 15 miles from Staten Island, New York, you can cop all you want. And in that parking lot was these little tailgate parties like Warmer Upper before you go into the disco, you know, and we'd be doing skin popping and everything.

You get anything you want. Already loaded, going in there, getting a couple cocktails, strobe light going, man. I was all pumped up. I had a 33 inch waist, blonde hair, nice tan. I was hot, man.

I was gone. 29 years old, I was ready for them Juanitas, man. Let me tell you. I mean, yeah. Oh, man.

Jesus. Unbelievable, man. I I'll be leaving them nightclubs already loaded. You know? And then and over in the Sarahville, I'd hit this bridge 1 night.

And, man, boom. And then the cops come. And so I move over to the passenger side, make believe the driver ran away. You know? And the cops going, Who are you?

I said, John Travolta. Can't you tell me? Oh, shit, man. Next week, I did the same thing. I missed that turn.

I hit the curb. I hit the bridge. 1 cop shined a light. He said, the other cop, who's that? He says, John Chipotle.

He said, you better come with us. And they locked my ass up. And it was out there in that dancing and doing all those nightclubs for 3 years and partying my goddamn ass off, sex, drugs, rock and roll. I got introduced to cocaine. That shit would kick your ass.

And, you know, so here I am. I'm a delivery boy. You know, they're cutting it up, bagging it, and I'm delivering. I get free cocaine. Every Monday morning, I'm waking up naked.

Everybody around me is naked. I don't know who's who. What happened? You know, I don't know who my partner was. I figured they were doing me.

That's what it felt like. You know? I'll tell you what. I'm a heterosexual. You give me cocaine, we can talk.

I remember looking in the mirror of my apartment one day. You know, they they know the deal. Tape the door. Tape it with duct tape. You know?

I'm looking in the mirror, somebody with a red dress, red fishnet stockings and heels and lipstick. It's me. That's fucking me. Well, I'll tell you what. Today, I wear men's underwear.

I don't wear that cocaine kick your ass. I had to get away from them people. They got busted. One time when it was ribbons all around the apartments, and I may believe I didn't know I was lost. And that guy said, who are you looking for?

I said, oh, I'm in the wrong place. How does that end? I never associated with them people again. I I didn't do cocaine on a large level. I substituted other drugs.

I was afraid of cocaine, although I went back to cocaine. But, you know, and it's like so, you know, here I am. I'm out on this on this I'm doing this nightlife, getting loaded every night, you know, living out of my work truck. My boss used to say, I'm gonna put a sink and a shower in your truck, man. You ain't never like I moved into a boarding house, and I never stayed there.

I was always shacking up. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. And, I meet my 2nd wife today. You know, I don't know what it was, but, see, my parents were married for, like, 50 some years, You know? And someone was sharing the other night and read about her parents.

And, like, thick and thin, man, they stayed there. And I thought when my marriage came apart after 7, I thought some, you know, I failed. Somewhere along the lines, you know, I failed, man. And it was like I didn't wanna feel what I was feeling. And for the next 3 years, I I just get loaded all the time.

And and and it was out there that I met my second wife to be. You know, she was like 18. I was 30. It was like bliss. No drama, but she was a mature 18 just in case there's any parents here.

You know? Look Look like I'm a cradle snatcher. But she did. She chased me around for a couple years. You know?

Now she's 19. Now she's 20. We get married. We move into this town, Roselle Park, New Jersey. We move into these apartments, and she's keeping me away from them nightclubs.

You know, her attitude she was like a co addict from the go. You know, you marry me, have a kid, you won't use no more. Man. There was, like, 5 cops in my building, all young cops. And they used to, like, bust people, and then we'd try the drugs in the basement.

We was always partying. Some people was running from the law. I was running with them. These guys, they're like crazy, man. They're like, we're in Plainfield, New Jersey.

And it's like, they play Russian they get crazy when they you know, cops are bad people to hang around. They don't know how to use. And so somebody playing Russian roulette, blows his brains out. Out the back door we went, man, we never went back there. Everybody's asking questions and they're associated with them people.

Now the second wife's like, you know, see, because I put a I did heating work and I put a furnace in the chief of police's house. And every time the cops would pull me over, they'd say, Yeah, it's Gil again, man. You know, I had no idea where he is. And he'd say, Well, take him home, man. You know, he put a furnace in my house.

I don't know. Things look bad. So, you know, they back me up all the time. But the second wife, she said, you know why you're you use every day. You do something about that use, and I'm out of here.

And I was like, I bet I didn't wanna lose my second wife. And there was a guy in the building named Arizona Bones. I don't know where the hell he got that name from. And he was going to this Ellis Fellowship and he had all Volkswagen, man, all them damn stickers they got, all they're saying, whatever, you know, whatever they are. And, you know, I remember there was a sink upside down on the back of his van.

I come home loaded. The program was calling me way back, and he used to watch me come in right across the street from the very church of a meeting that I started to go to NA. And, you know, I'd come. I'd fall in a puddle, and I'd drag mud up the stairs, and get up the next morning and say, Who the hell did this? And he'd say, It was you.

God damn it. And he used to watch me and say, I'm gonna take this guy to a meeting. Well, I knew he was something and he talked about meetings. And I said, you know what? My wife gave me off the meeting.

I I do something about you. She's out here. What are you gonna do? Could you take me to one of them meetings you go to? And he said, yeah.

I'll take you to a meeting. Where do you wanna go? And I get in this, like, I wanna go 4 towns away. He said, man, all you guys wanna go 4 towns away. You go to a meeting in the town you use, and no one will know you.

They're all 4 towns away. He lied, man. I walked into this big ass church, the other fellowship. You know, this is my story. I don't have another one.

You know, some people say it's a mixed message. That's that's how I I came to NA. You know? And so, you know, I go down the stairs. There they are.

All the guys I used to play ball with, use cocaine with, they're all against the law. And they sure attached, you know, oh, dude. We've been waiting for it. I thought you was dead. There they all work, man.

All the tough guys. You know? I said, what are you guys doing here? You know? Hey, man.

We're staying clean. You know? So and I remember some old timers saying, we need a coffee maker. Ours, relapse. Smart ass me.

I said, You catch that from coffee? And the guy said, No, man. Get your ass in the kitchen. So I thought, Well, hey, man. Somebody asked me.

I'll make I'll make coffee for the 280 some odd juicers man. I'm in the kitchen. No rehab. I got a belly full of alcohol I got a chunk full of cocaine and I'm coming apart man. I'm fucking jonesing and I don't know what to do and this young kid come up to me and he said man You're gonna lose it You better have one of these and him and I are in the kitchen smoking this bone and I don't know what was going on, but the fans just blowing it out.

There was a speaker. Next thing I know, they come barging in the kitchen. Hey. What the hell are you doing, man? Put that out of your kids through that head.

I said, we don't drink. No good. No good. No good. I'll put it out.

I don't wanna lose my position. I'll put it out. But, you know, it was in that meeting I saw other addicts. I knew who they were. We'd go off to the diner, talk about the drugs we used, talk about our connections.

They'd talk about NA. And I was getting educated. Sounds good, you know. And but I stayed. I stayed another year till my wife now my wife's coming down to that meeting.

Right? And I'm like, what are you doing here? She said, I got a problem too. She said, there she was in a cold program. They told her, get out.

You got a problem. I said, well, I said, this is my me. You know? I was territorial like my golfers. Get on your own side of the tank.

I'll show you where another tank is. You know? But, you know, she stayed. And, they told her, you know, get a sponsored clean house. I was the first one to go.

Another wife. Here she comes. This one. I don't love you no more. I'm like, oh, man.

I'm almost 3 years clean over there. I'm like, what do you mean you don't love me no more? So I became her confidant. You know? I said, you can't make no major decisions for a year.

You know that. It ain't working. No. No way. I don't know what to do.

She's serious. She kept saying, when you moving out? When you moving out? I'm sleeping on the couch. We got 2 kids.

Now I got almost 2 ex wives, 4 kids, 6 kids. You know, I'm on the couch. She's going to meetings. I'm going to meetings. I don't know what meetings to go to.

You know, she starts going to NA, you know. So I stayed away from NA a little longer because she was in NA. You know, she's running away from the other fellowship. It's like I'm peeking in the window. I don't know know where the hell to go.

I don't know what to do, what to say. I'm hurting, man. I'm hurt. I couldn't imagine life clean without my family. I really couldn't.

My feelings and my emotions were killing me 3 years clean. I was hurting so bad, man. I didn't wanna use. I didn't wanna live. I wanted some truck to take me out of here.

I contemplated jumping off of railroad tracks in Elizabeth. I was making all these plans. I didn't wanna live. And she kept saying, when you're leaving, when you're near. Now, following her around, I'm tapping her phone.

She's going to recovery dancing. She's out with guys that I ain't recovered with. You know? I'm doing this open heart surgery on myself. They call it stalking today because you go you have to go to jail.

You do that today. I tell my sponsees when they break, and don't follow around. They'll get you. You put a restraining order on your ass, then you're gonna go there. No.

No. No. I'm telling you to get the fuck away from me. You know? Meetings, masturbation, meditation, get away from you.

You know, join sex without partners. Do something. But, you know, so sex without partners. Swap. Yeah.

It's the fastest growing organization in recovery. But, I don't know what to do. I'm hurting, man. I'm hurting like hell. Finally, I said, I'm out of here.

I took my recovery books, my biggie, my blanket, I left. I said, you I'm out of here. I wound up right next to the projects, Weedquake Park, Newark, New Jersey. There I was, right in the ghetto. They stole my car three times.

I used to chase them boys all around, man. Give me my car back. I I had to go on a project to get my car one day. Oh my god. Anyway, you know, so I got this little 4 by 4 room.

I don't have much. You know? I'm like, I don't know what to do. I got boxes. I got a couch.

I'm hurting. I'm going to meetings. You know, I don't wanna be around, man. I just, you know, I I couldn't handle it, man. I didn't know I had abandonment issues.

You know? And I used to go in the cemetery next to the projects and scream and yell because I didn't want to bring it to a meeting. You know? And and and a bunch of addicts, alcohols, were banging on my door one day. You'll guilty.

You went there. Yeah. Where the hell you think I am? See, come on, man. We're gonna go on a retreat up in the mountains in New Jersey and the guy's gonna talk about the steps.

And it was, like, $80 but they wanna be committed. I gave me $10. I don't wanna go. PMS, I packed my suitcase. Now I'm on this retreat with a 100 men, addicts and alcoholics at that time.

And, you know, I don't wanna be with no I don't wanna be not with a 100 men. I wanna wanna be with somebody. But it wasn't a 100 men is what I had in mind. You know? And so here I am.

I'm on this retreat. Now the wife's new living boyfriend's there. Right? Now you don't think my high power has a sense of humor? There he is.

I gotta look at this guy's pussy. You know, he's hanging his robe where I once hung mine. He's putting his flippers where I once put mine. You know, he's sitting on my front lawn in the grass I planted. You know, and I'm like, I'm a spiritually murderer's ass.

You know? And he's telling me it's gonna get better, Gil. I said, already is better. You know? And I met this guy, Kenny.

He was a priest, clean, 7 years. He was the retreat master, and he told his story on a Friday night. Sick, sick dude, man. I love him, man. I mean, people get loaded, and then the people would throw his ass on the church desk, you know, and and the nuns would come out of the convent and drag his ass to the rectory.

They ain't even supposed to be there. You know, they were like codependent nuns. They They were probably narrow nuns. You know? It's an underground.

You know? And, you know, so he steal his brother's motorcycle. His brother was a state trooper in Jersey. He used to take their bikes home, and he'd get loaded and and pull people over with his brother's motorcycle and his brother's and the cops would lock his ass up. Monsignor had to come pull his ass out of jail.

They didn't believe he was a priest. This the guy giving the retreat. I fell in love with him. My kind of priest. You know, he told dirty jokes.

You know, he spit, he cursed, and gave a mess on Sunday. All my life, I've been looking for one of these guys. You know? He'd be just like me. And I'm walking in the garden on a Saturday morning.

He took one look at my sorry ass. He's 3 and a half years clean, I was. He said, Gil, what's up with you? And I told him what I just told you about the wife leaving and how I don't want to live. I don't want to be here.

I don't want this recovery. And it was He who broke those first three steps down for me. And he said, you know what, Gil, the first step is? You can't. The second one is he can't.

3rd one is Gil wants you better. And I'm like, holy shit. It's like, I heard that, you know, but it didn't sink in. I I'm going down the freeway After this retreat, I'm singing it like a song. You know?

I'm pumped up, man, like I am now. I'm pumped up. I get to the home room. I'm like, Horshack, oh, call on me, man. I got you know, I can't eat that.

I'm a you know, like, I'm a tell somebody something debasement testing and say, you know. And, I'm still hurt. I'm still hurt. And the guys are telling me, you go to NA, man. Get the hell out of here.

There she was holding hands. She's holding hands with this guy, and I'm I'm out of here, man. They took me to my 1st day and a meeting in Bergen Pines, New Jersey, and it's still there. And I walk in there, and heroin addicts are on one side. The pill addicts are on the other.

They're arguing who's the real addict. I'm like, holy shit. Where the hell are you taking? And the boy says, don't judge anybody's first meeting. I went back again.

I didn't judge that meeting. They called me the great. Because I came from another fellowship, they called me the grape. But you know why? I kept coming, persevering.

I wasn't gonna let sick people tell a sick person who what date you should do. I kept coming. I liked. I saw the hope. I saw the hope in guys like Ronnie H and all the other and all those other guys.

I saw I saw the love they had for the fellowship. I said, I want that. I want that. And I began my journey. Already 3 and a half years clean, I began this journey in Narcotics Anonymous.

And, I get this confidant, you know. And I'm like, you know, I said, listen man. I went on this retreat with these guys and and and it's like, what am I gonna let this God do if I let him? He said, Gil, you're at a good place. I said, you know what?

See, I knew that I must internalize those first three steps. I would have been clean three and a half years. And I knew if I didn't work the steps of Narcotics Anonymous, something was gonna happen to me. You know, I was gonna either put a rope around my neck or use and die or jail the institution in death. There it is.

There's the outline. There's the outcome. And, he so he says to me, I don't know what you did over there in the other fellowship. He said, but over here, he said, what we do is we write on all the steps. I thought you do.

Why would you do that? He said, get some perspective. And he simplified it for me. He said, get a pen and paper in the dictionary. I said, why?

See, newcomers, you can do this. You you don't need no sponsor to do this. He says, Gil, look up the word 'powerlessness.' I know what the hell it meant. You know, look up our manageability. You know, look up sanity, insanity, big difference.

You know, will, what will, whose will, why a will, you know. What's moral? What's an inventory? You know, and I got these definitions and I got a little perspective on myself. You know, He helped me out, and He and He was like me.

He said, you grew up with punishing God, didn't you? Oh, man. I said, you know what? Every time me and the boys stole something, we'd fall down, scrape our knee, get hurt, break an arm. They'd steal from us.

We'd say right away, we knew that God was getting even with our ass. I hung around with Catholics all my life. You know, Yahweh you pay attention to. They were talking about this punishing God, and I thought for a long time he was after my ass. I'll tell you that.

I said, I don't know about this God thing, man. You know, it's like, you know and I remember him taking me to my apartment, and we did the search that prayer. My first one was take my will and my wife. You know? My you know, he said, no.

No. Don't go that way. He did well with me because he was said he was working with me. He needs 1. He said, come on, man.

It was nighttime. He said, come outside. I said, okay. There's stars around. He said, pick out a star.

I said, that one. That real bright star. He said, yeah. Come on back in. Remember that star.

Okay. Go back in, and we're talking about some shit. Now later, we come back out. Where's your star? I come back out.

I said, oh, shit. Somebody moved it. He said, yeah. And it wasn't you, was it? I said, no.

He was like and I said, oh, there is something more powerful than I am. He said, you bet your ass. And Narcotics Anonymous is more powerful than you are too. You know. And there was this old guy, Joe.

Old Dophene sat in the other fellowship, clean a long time, sat in the back room. He was one of them guys. He didn't have to say nothing. You could see the wisdom all over his desk, you know. And I said, what what did you do with this God thing, Joe?

He said, you know, I figured I better believe in there's a God there just in case He is there and not believe in Him, then find out He was there. You know, hold that like, you know, backdoor protection. You know? Like, so yeah. Okay.

So I kinda like what was that. And I can remember calling on this guy. You see, I didn't have him when I started the steps. My decision was I'm gonna do the rest of the steps in Narcotics Anonymous or I'm gonna not gonna live. I'm not gonna make it.

And I said to that God, I don't know who you are, where you are, what you are. I I'm gonna go through the rest of the steps in Narcotics Anonymous. Only if I need you will I call on you, wise ass mate. See, I didn't know about step 11. You know?

It's like, you know, I've set myself up. But that prayer that I said to him, that deal was I accepted an outcome before it even happened or I wouldn't be here today. As I look back at it now, nothing changes in that 3rd step except that decision to do a 4th step. And I went to Him and I said, what do I do? You see, there's you got all the literature today, works how and why.

You you got things that I didn't have when I first came around NA. You know, we we used we we tapped into each other's source, and Ron had mentioned that. We we did. We compared notes. I would go up to, up to, Bergen Pines up that way.

I would go to, hell, all them damn stuff. Hawthorne, New Jersey, man, and and we would compare notes. You know, if some addict found another way to stay clean that was working a little better for them, we would pass that on. And when that man told me to write the definitions down, he said, you get a notebook, you skip some pages with your definitions so that as you journey through recovery, you will add on to your step writings. See, there there is the basic text that our sponsors take us through the steps.

I didn't come here to tell you how to work them, but why you should work them? All I'm telling you is what works for me and that's what I'm here for. And if anything, I'm gonna talk about the steps of Narcotics Anonymous because I believe that's what the program is the rest of this fellowship. And I know today that if I don't look at what's left now that I haven't used in 22 and a half years, That's what's gonna take me out of here, and it'll manifest itself in an attitude or behavior of shit ass belief or resentment towards somebody, or she's a jerk, he's a jerk. Woah.

I ain't entering no gates of any in heaven with an attitude like that. God will hit the buzzer. Go back work them steps. Get the gate going. Get the gate going.

I ain't accepting your ass. But you know, it's like it's a it's a whole new, you know, jeez. I go to the sky. I'm like, what do I do? He said you know what, Gil?

I want you to go all the way back to your childhood as far back as you can remember. Yeah. I want you to write down everything everybody ever did to you, how you felt about it. And everything you ever did to everybody else, how you felt about death. And I said, okay.

I don't know it'll take 5 months. I don't know I come up with a scholastic autobiography of guilt. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I'm still here. So, obviously, I must have been thorough from the very start or I wouldn't be clean today. And I'm hurting, man.

I'm finding I see all this. I can see everything. I can see it. Rejection, abandonment, shame, blame, guilt, illness on top of illness, three and a half years blame. I had it walking around the rooms with untreated addiction.

That's me. The 3 stepper, I'm powerless. I'm sorry. I'll help somebody. You know, there's 9 more steps.

Get my ass in gear. And He told me that my 4 step is my blueprint. Everything I need for the rest of the steps is in my 4 step. All the garbage, all the crap, everything that went down all my life along with some assets were the very things I needed. My liabilities become my assets in my recovery.

Out of that 4 step, he would find some old attitudes, some old behaviors, you know, and then he said, you know, out of that, we can get we can get a 6 step list of some of your glaring defects. We're gonna get an 8 step list of some people you'll harm. A lot of progress there. And I can remember going back on every treat I went. 6 months later, I'm on this retreat.

I got all the stored stuff, man, in my gut, my heart. You know? I'm like, damn, man. He wanted me to get all that shit on paper. Get it out of my head.

Get it out of my gut. Get it out of my heart because it it would leave room for some new information. And I'm on this retreat. There he is, the wife's ex boyfriend. Now he's the ex boyfriend.

You know? She throws him out. I get I get evil. I go, it's gonna get better, man. You know?

He's like, he wanna fucking kill me, man. I go to this priest. And my sponsor went with me. And I said, look at this shit. What is all this stuff, man?

You know, why was I molested by a priest? I'm telling a priest, what's up with that, man? He said, well, he is sick like we were when we're out there and are using stupid, man. You were sick too. He said, you know what?

We're gonna pray for his ass. I said, will I kill? But I did. I prayed for his ass. You know, I'm not saying that what made me an addict.

I'm not saying my home life made me an addict, how something ready to happen the day I stole cookies out of a cookie jar. I knew that. I knew that. I knew I wasn't normal. But But you know what?

Ron said it the other day. We have issues, man. And so that shit's still there. Incest in my family. You know?

My wife leaves me. I don't know if I was supposed to be gay or what, man. You know? That's why I don't know what the hell was going on. I couldn't sort me out for shit in early recovery.

I was really lost. And, I don't know. I'm on this retreat, and I'm dumping to these guys. And and my I was like, oh, man. If they take this shit back to the rooms, you know, and then I thought, well, they started telling me about them.

They were sick dudes, man. I said, oh, I thought I was dead. They were worse than me. Things they did were worse than things I did. Things that happened to them were worse than the and I thought my trust factor was they tell on me, I'll tell on them.

You know? So and, but I'll tell you what. I I can them them guys brought me to my true nature before I can get to the exact nature of my wrongs. And you wanna know what the bottom line of that whole thing is? I did not trust that God.

I did not trust this God I have today all my life. I thought he was singling me out even when I was a little boy, a young man, an active addict, an addict in recovery. I thought he was after my ass for a long time, but I was wrong. I didn't know he was caring and loving. And when they brought me to my true nature, I went back to this guy a year later.

And like Ron said, them defects do not go away. My addiction's not gone. Why would my defects of character be gone? Something that I ran with all my life. I ran with all my life.

And that man told me, we need to go onto another journey of what would mine in this for what's left now that guilt doesn't use. He says, you got defects. He says, and you know what? Some of them were glaring, and that's the only one you can't fix something you can't spot. That's why when you get into a relationship, you find them.

They're all there. They were there before I used what I used, and then they pop up when you clean. And, and and I like what they I like what this man told me. He became my confidant. And he said, Gil, let's go over that 4 steps.

Let's pick out some glaring defects. Like, where I was a thief, he made me put that on a paper. You were a thief. You were this. You were that.