Big Book Study on Steps 9 11 in Prescott, AZ

What kind of example you could be to people. But you gotta got to pay the money back. Now, Joe said something. We do a thing called steal and steal and one of the questions in that is this issue of if I owe money on my financial amends and I'm gonna go buy something new that I don't necessarily need, can I stay sober stealing from them again? See, if you owe financial amends and you have money coming in, it's not your money.

It's their money. You're just a steward. It's gonna pass through your hands into their hands. I'll tell you my experience with this money issue. The more I became willing to do that and the more I did that, the more money came into my life.

The more I begin to earn in my career. Everything is connected and I really see the connection between everything in my life in these amends. I watched my business career continue to escalate and grow as I cleaned up all these amends. I watched my financial future get better as I begin to pay back amends. I watched my relationships with people get begin to get better as I make amends.

Everything is connected. I saw that over and over and over again. And I'm the kind of guy it's you know, I I don't like sending in $10 a month for 9000 years. But, it's important that you set that up and do that and then you'll be amazed money starts to come in. It's real.

AEA will do these steps to do weird things to you. I'm still this way today. I love paying bills. I think it's amazing that the electricity company is willing to float me energy for 30 days. That's a neat deal that they trust me enough.

They're willing to float me electricity. Now in exchange for that I tell them on a due date they're gonna have their money and I'm here to tell you they get it a little early and I'm grateful. I love being responsible today in that area of my life. That isn't how it always was. So, if I owe money, money is gonna get paid back.

Financial amends, you know, am I making? I could tell incredible stories in this particular area. I think that's all I got for now. I'll let Joe share some experience on amends and then we'll talk about some more. I was, I was thinking about the new people in the room.

And I remember feeling out of place in AA when I didn't believe. And somebody told me once and I thought it was shocking that I could come to believe in god the same way I came to believe in alcohol. Because if you look at your experience with alcohol and you're anything like me, it was a higher power. It was something I had faith in, gave me power, made me feel human, set me upright. It did for me what I couldn't do for myself.

But then this guy said to me, did you ever get drunk sitting across the street from a liquor store reading a book about what it would be like to get drunk? I said, no. He said, that's the idiot. That's the lunacy of big book studies. You got people sitting around studying the manual of what it would be like, but they never do what's necessary.

Because what did you have to do when you're sitting across from a liquor store to come to believe again? Well, you had to make a decision. You had to take some action. You had to walk across the street. You had to slam down some booze and then you got some results.

He said the same thing happens here. You make a decision at step 3 based on your first and second step. You get off your ass and you take some action in 4 through 9. You get some results, then you have faith. And this is the step where I started to get some results.

You know, the first three steps are really just a series of considerations. They could be done in a day, a couple hours, a week, a month, as long as you wanna take, as deep as you wanna look. But they're really just a series of considerations and admissions and questions. And then you get to step 4. And it's still kind of a solitary thing.

Right? You might not like some of the stuff you're seeing. Then you read it to somebody you either trust or you don't. But now we're turning out to the world. It's really one of the first acts in the 12 steps that's not so self centered.

Matter of fact, it's the action we take as a result of our self centeredness. And I found that statement to be true. I came to believe in in God the same way I came to believe in alcohol. Decision, action, results. I wanna read the 8th step in the short form from how it works and mention something that it doesn't say.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. It doesn't say it made a list of all persons we had harmed except the ones we don't wanna go to. It doesn't say it made a list of all persons we had harmed except the ones our sponsor says we don't need to make. It says to make a list of all persons harmed. Could be an institution.

It could be principles. How am I gonna make those? You're gonna ask God. I think the number one guiding principle in all the instructions in the 9 step is we place the outcome in god's hands. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Are you? Has the ego rebuilt to the point where halfway through step 9, you've gotten some results? You think it was just about the unmanageability, things in your life are better, and you get stuck on the dash. Because making the rest of those amends don't have anything to do with being powerless over alcohol anymore. That's what our friend meant.

Why? By the fact that going forward through the steps or backwards through the steps, you can get stuck on the dash. I remember going to it. This is how these guys do this. I went to a guy named Mike in Denver one time and I had 4 amends.

I'd been doing the work for many years. And I said, Mike, I'm stuck on these 4 amends. He said, really? Do you know how to make amends? Yep.

Do you know who they're to? Yep. You know where they are? Yep. He said, you're not stuck on amends.

He said, you're probably didn't really become willing to make amends to them all because you're not really sure what you asked in the 7th step, because you weren't really convinced in 6, because maybe you didn't learn enough of humility and honesty in 5, because maybe some stuff was missing from your inventory and you're you're you're going back on the decision you've made at step 3 because you don't believe god is everything, then you're probably not powerless over alcohol anymore. He took me backwards and I saw the linchpin to amends as one and not the second half of 1 because there's no separation between the first half and the second half of step 1. The unmanageability of my life is alcohol. And I had lost the consciousness of my first step, but I was able to go around and give lectures on step 1. Go see these poor people in South Central LA at the castle program and do my chalk talk on the circle and the triangle and the 3 parts of step 1.

I could rattle off step 1 all day long and the consciousness of it that moves me along was gone. I couldn't move myself any further. I would like to say to you my first time through the work from 6 months to a year and a half that I finished all the amends I was aware of. But I woke up about 3 fourths of the way through amends and I was a different person. My own mother heard me speak in my first set of amends.

She said, you're not even the same person. I was hired by the National Council on Alcoholism to train kids to work with kids where a year and a half earlier, you would not have let me around your kids. A major awakening as a result of 1 through 9 and 3 quarters, and I stopped. And I used to say to myself, well, I'm just doing what the book says. It says it's easy to rest on your laurels at this point, but I forgot it says you're headed for trouble.

Laurels are past accomplishments. 350 amends. I've made I've made 300. Isn't that enough? Aren't I free enough?

Wow. Look at the change. Major awakening. I'm not saying I hadn't had an awakening. I was just saying I had no right to say to people that I had had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps.

I hadn't. I'd had a spiritual awakening as a result of 1 through 8 3 quarters. I didn't become willing to make amends to them all. I was stuck on 8 because of step 1. It wasn't there anymore.

First thing I was ever told about amends, it says except when to do so would injure them or others and you're not others. Others are others, you are you. Doesn't mean if it's gonna hurt you, you don't go make it. Says you take the bit in your teeth. Swallow your pride.

Go to it. Alright? Nothing missed. Would you be willing to go to jail if necessary? Went back, made amends for armed robbery.

Went to the Battle Creek Police Department. It said counsel with a lawyer might be beneficial. They said I was lucky the statute of limitations had run out, but they were happy I didn't live in Battle Creek, Michigan anymore. And what they would like me to do is to stay sober and never commit another armed robbery. That I can do.

Never committed another armed robbery since. I made a resolution when I was 21 years old. I was released from the Michigan State Penitentiary, and I made up my mind. I will never be arrested. I will never be in a police car.

I will never go to jail or the penitentiary ever again, and I never did ever again. I couldn't quit drinking. The mechanics the mechanics as they were shared to me was this. Let's say you're an ex employee. You haven't seen me in 10 years.

I've called your office. I've made an appointment with your secretary. I arrive. You have no idea why I'm there, and you're wondering if I actually have the nerve to ask for a job again. And I explained to you, thank you for giving me an appointment.

This is why I'm here. That can be very beneficial with an ex lover. Let them know why you're there, because because you might scare them to death if they think you're there for any other reason. They might call the police. They might blow your head off.

I explain why I'm here and that this is very important, and it's about my life and death. I'm on a life and death errand. This is the harm I'm clear on. I did this. I stole this.

I stole this. I lied about this. Is there anything else I ever did that hurt you or your company? Give you a chance to get it all out on the table. Amazing healing can go on during that when you give them a chance.

Because it's not about my clarity of what I think I did to you. Whether I know it or not, I'm very insensitive. And by this point, after 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, I see that I'm a very insensitive person. I bet we all had some amends we thought were big deals. You went to them.

They didn't even remember you. I bet we all had some that we thought were no big deal at all and they said, you really hurt me. I don't have a clue. The healing goes when they get a chance to say, well, you also did this and this and this and this really hurt too. When I think they're done, I say, is there anything I could do to make this oh, do you need to tell me how any of that hurt you?

An amazing healing can go on there too. Because they might have said what I did, but they might need to tell me how it hurt them. And then when they're done, I say, is there anything I could do to make this right? They lay it out. I think one of the things we missed in some of our instructions early on was that I think you should then take a card, a blank card, and write out whatever they ask you to do to make it right and put it in another pile and start to follow through on those amends.

Because there is a difference between having major approaches and following through on what they asked. Like Mark said, Mark was done with every approach he owed way before 14 years of that debt being done. He made his approach. He did his part, and it was gonna be ongoing. When we say finish amends that you're conscious all the amends you're consciously aware of, we don't mean that they've all been that you have followed through on everything you could ever do.

Some will go on the rest of your life. My amends to my mother is still going on, and she passed away last year. There might be some debts that take that long, but you've made your approach. You've done your part, and it's an ongoing amends. I also think this is when the magic starts to happen and, like, the universe lines up for you.

I was told to put this on a card. My whole list, 1 at a time on 3 by 5 cards. Name, address, phone number, or the word need to find. I was told, unfortunately, to put plus or minus in the right hand corner. Willing to do or not willing to do, and on the rest of the card, all the harm that I'm aware of.

And I started with a pile that I was willing to do and I knew where they were. And a funny thing happened to this pile that I didn't that I wasn't willing to do. It started to get less and less as I made the ones I was willing to do. And I would say to Don, how do I get the willingness to make the ones I'm not willing to do? He said, by making the ones you're willing to do.

I would say now that I would spend more time with people on step 8, but I didn't get through them. Made a lot, went to a lot of places. Had about 50, 60, 70 left, stopped. Riding high, director of a program. And I hit bottom really quick.

It was before my second birthday. And I I was in a men's and and a lot of way into them by a year and a half because I started to work when I was 6 months sober, and I stopped. And within 6 months, I think, I hit the wall quickly. And it was about it was about not living up to my ideal because I didn't have one. I had an ideal that I wrote out, but it was to impress my sponsor like I was gonna be a monk or something.

It wasn't my chosen ideal for the future. And my future with unfinished amends led nothing led to nothing but frivolous, casual, harmful sex. 2 women were pregnant. Both of them called me on the same day. My sponsor said, what a great experience.

Isn't that great? You'll either run, you'll never finish those amends, or you'll move on. So what did I do? I went back to Don and I said, I can't finish these and I'm up against the wall and I've hurt some people. What do I do?

And we reviewed 1, 2, and 3. There wasn't much of an inventory as far as resentment and fear that I hadn't looked at, but it was about a major sex inventory choosing an ideal that I asked God to help mold, getting back into step 8, adding some new names, and finish it given being given the grace to finish every one of those amends, and some of them would be ongoing. Some of them I needed to follow through on. Some of them I needed to pay money back. But it's really when some amazing stuff starts to happen.

I have a little tattoo on my hand of a 5 star pointed star. My 3 best friends and I, when we were 17 years old, we had a man in our life who was twice our age, and he was like our hero. I never had a father. I never allowed myself to have a father even though I had one. He was 60 when I was born.

He was 70 by the time I was 10, and I hated him. The only time I was happy with my dad was when he was on his deathbed. And so this guy was like my father. Failing to appreciate, I had 2 older brothers that could have been there for anything I might have wanted. I hurt them too.

I didn't allow them to be brothers because of hate for somebody else. He wasn't even their father. They was my half brothers. So I had this man, John. He was kinda like, Charles Manson.

He was a genius, but it was all about the dark side. He was my hero. He'd been in the 101st airborne. He'd been a Hell's Angel. Ended up in Battle Creek.

Photographic memory. Put his mind to something. He would just do it. He would take us on adventures. And when I got out of the penitentiary and before my parole was over, I got in some trouble.

And I was told by my parole officer I had to flee the state without permission quickly. I had a contract on my life for something I hadn't done. And that was part of making amends for stuff I had done. You take it. You'll get blamed for everything you ever did in sobriety that's unfinished.

I wasn't even sober. I fled I fled to I fled to Las Vegas where he was. He helped a dream of mine come true. And within a year, I'm dealing blackjack at the Dunes Hotel with a penthouse and some clothes and the cars and girlfriends. About a year later, we were feeling really good one weekend and we went camping.

We came back from camping. To me, doing good was drinking, smoking pot, not shooting dope. 24 years old, came back from camping. His wife said, wouldn't it be nice for us to get high one time? She meant shoot dope.

And he said, yeah. He knew where to get some. He didn't have any money. I said, I got plenty of money. I bought the dope.

He shot it and died. And I lived with that for 9 more years or 6, 7, 8 more years that I bought the dope that killed the man who was closer to me than my father. Couldn't live with it. Within 6 months, I lost everything. Lost the job stuff.

Fled Las Vegas in a chase, a guy in my car chasing me. Flew to flew to Key West, Florida. Spent the next 6 years of my drinking there. Walked away from drugs. That's where I found out I'm not an addict.

Made up my mind. Walked away from heroin. Made up my mind, walked away from cocaine, couldn't quit drinking. He died. Part of me died.

And I never ever thought I would ever be able to be forgiven or forgive my self for that. My first couple years, I made amends to him through a letter I read to another man, his mother, his father, his sister, his brother, and something was missing. And for 3 years, I could not go to his grave. And I was in Las Vegas 3, 4 times a year. On my 4th or 5th AA birthday, I was in Las Vegas for the umpteenth time and I woke up on my birthday, August 17th.

And my intuition said, today you're going. There was no fight, no resistance, no emotional block. I had not been able to go there for all the years I'd been sober. Drove out to the graveyard, walked up to his grave like it was yesterday. My friends were about a 100 yards away in a car and they said they could feel the power from this amends.

I sat at his grave. I said what I needed to say. Don't ever let anybody tell you can't make amends to someone who's dead. Some of my most powerful amends have been at graves up to someone who's passed and I don't know where their body is. And I sat at his grave and I said what I needed to say.

And then I looked down and it was the anniversary of his death and it was my sobriety date. And I couldn't have done that one day sooner. I think the whole universe starts to open. Anyone in this room that's ever been in a men's has stories that are just absolutely not logical. Unbelievable.

I was telling 1 at lunch today about a friend of mine, Jaime, who, lived under the Brighton Beach Boardwalk in New York, under the boardwalk. And at one time, accidentally set the boardwalk on fire and burned a part of the Brighton Beach Boardwalk down. So he's in Los Angeles, and he's in amends. He's gonna go back to New York, and he makes a bunch of them. But he calls me one day, and he says, I am not going to the Brighton Beach fire department to make amends for that fire.

I'm not gonna do it. I said, go to a meeting tonight, Jaime. He went to a meeting and he shared about the resistance to that amends. The chief of the fire department that was the chief when the fire what took place was in the meeting and he made amends. I mean, amazing things starts to start to happen.

Subsequently, in later years, all 3 of those other guys are dead. One was killed in prison, one died drunk driving, and one was killed in a drug rip off. I had to go to their graves. I went to their parents too because I had caused them harm. I mean, it's when it really starts to happen.

It's when your life really starts to take off. No one in this room should miss making amends. Think of it as another piece of freedom. I was given an attitude a long time ago. It sounds a little selfish, but it helped the first few times.

If I've seen an inventory how much power I've given to other people in my life. Amends are about them getting free and me going back and getting the power I've given away to everybody in my life. And as you make them, you start to feel new power flow in. I've made amends to women who should had no reason to ever wanna see me again and sat with them when they weren't even sure they could see me that day. They had to pray about it.

They were in this program. I'd been engaged to them. And by the time the amends were done, there was healing that I never thought could take place. How do you make amends to a mother you've talked to through a plate glass window in the Michigan State Penitentiary and seen that look in her eyes. And we were square way before she passed away last year.

It's really when it starts to happen. So the mechanics are basically the same. If it has to be a letter, if they can't be found, if it's somebody you're reading a letter to to make through to someone else, Still the same basic format, letter. Phone calls I don't really agree with unless they might ask, could we do this on the phone? Anything they ask, you should submit to.

But the basic format is the same. This is why I'm here. This is the harm I'm clear on. Is there anything else that I did that hurt you? Do you need to tell me how any of that hurt you?

And is there every anything I could ever do to make it right? And sometimes when I moved, because it's in the book, I might ask, it's kind of arrogant but not really, do you think you can forgive me if you could ever forgive me? And follow through on what they ask. You go to an ex girlfriend or a woman goes to an ex boyfriend and they say, what I want you to do is to make it right is let's sleep together. Say no.

I think that's what caused the the harm in the first place. You can't really do things to follow through on a man's that that would cause more harm. Because in doing so, you're harming them. Again, you might be harming them. But you know what?

I've never been asked to do anything unreasonable. What I find a lot of people fall into is the trap of thinking they know what the outcome is gonna be and what they're gonna be asked to do before they go. You know, I owe so and so $10,000. I gotta have $10,000 before I can go to him. That's assuming you know what they're gonna ask when you ask what you can do to make it right.

Like Mark said, $5 a week is a lot more humbling than $5,000 in one pop. Look at what a big shot I am. Arrange the best deal you can is what my book says. Another guide that's helpful. You know the guide we use for the 3rd column of the inventory?

When I'm mad at you, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my self esteem, pride? Do the reverse on your immense card. How did I interfere with their self esteem, their pride, their ambition, their security, their personal relations, their sex relations, or their pocketbook? Use the 3rd column guide for making amends to somebody else. That's all I have right now.

The book was published in 1939. And if you if you know anything about Bill's history, Bill lived within about a 50 mile radius his entire life and so doctor Bob. I just made a a list of where I had to go to make amends. Iowa, South Dakota, California, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, Alaska. The point that I'm making, I didn't finish my amends.

I didn't finish them. Even the approaches because I was a fairly nomadic drunk. It had to be 5, 6, 7 years. I had a lot of places I had to go. Cost money.

At the same time, I'm trying to support a family and, do some other things. I wanna talk about some specific amends that I've made. First of all, I'd like to talk about people that have passed on whose name came up in my 8 step. And in particular, I think about, these were all people that were back in the state of Iowa and I've gone back to this town called Humble, Iowa. One of my, closest friends when I was growing up, his mother had worked for my mother.

It was a nursing home. And in 1968, he and his girlfriend were parked in the car and there the car, the floorboards were all wore out and they got asphyxiated. The car burst on fire and, killed them both. So he was in this, grave and then my I had a grandmother and I had a great aunt, and then I had a gal named Diane who I had sex with in college. She was a virgin, as a matter of fact.

And so as I continue to go through the amends, I'm gonna go back to Iowa and make some amends. By then, my my blood family had moved to Colorado with exception. I still have a lot of in laws back in Iowa. So I made that trip back and there probably were close to 50 to 60 amends within about a 100 mile radius back in Iowa, which is where I've been born and raised. So I began that process.

But I went out to, to the to the gravesite and all 4 of these people were buried in the same graveyard. And what basically I did the book says if you can't find me, write a letter. So I wrote a letter as though I was making amends face to face. And when you talk about incredible experiences happen, I remember being at Ronnie's grave and and making making the amends to him. And you're looking for this idea of what to do and this thought filtered through my head.

And the thought was that my mother always loved you and please come see her every time you're back in Humboldt, Iowa. So I did that right up to the day day she died. And I swear to God, every time see, I've never had a child that died, nor do I know what it's like to carry a child inside you for 9 months and then have that child die a tragic horrible death when that child was 21 years old. But that woman went through that. And every time I came back there, I was one of the few people that ever seemed to bring any memory of him back to her.

And she was always ecstatic every time I came back to see her, and I know why I got those instructions at that graveside. It's never what the hell it looks like it's gonna be. Never what it's like. And I don't go see her one time. Shame and the guilt and remorse of that make amends.

And what comes into my consciousness is have compassion and kindness for elderly people and go visit some on occasion. I do that to this day in the treatment center I run since I'm the CEO. I get to do what I want. And every Saturday, they go to a nursing home for 3 hours. Initially, they hate it.

They're you know what? They're terrified of it. You know why? Because they're looking at themselves. And then pretty soon within 10, 15 minutes, these these people have them all lit up and then ultimately becomes a favorite thing they can do.

Make an amends to to that woman. And, basically, what comes through my mind at the gravesite after making the amends is is have compassion and understanding and let honesty come into your relationships with women. Powerful, powerful, incredible stuff. I was talking earlier to a lady. Women are not the only ones who've been involved with abortions.

2 situations actually of women. 1, I was married to when I was not. Making amends for an involvement in that situation and that decision to end the life. See, because by then as you right into the spirits, you ask for forgiveness and what can you do? We'll talk about, another man in, a 1968 would have been 1968.

I got a gal pregnant. I'd known this gal 2 years, went out there 1 night and 9 month We had sex and 9 months to the day, a boy is born. She named him Chad. And I had tried for years to find her and my son. And back then, that was in 1968 if you can imagine.

And, normally, what happened is you either married him or the her father would kill you. And, I didn't do either and neither happened but, they took me court and saw her one time. They asked that I do certain things. I did those certain things. Forgot about it like we do.

So I'm trying to find them, trying to find them, trying to find them, can't find them. And, so in 1999, this is about you never know what things look like. I told you earlier I've gone back to Iowa. I was gonna go back for a class for union but the only reason that took place is I got terminated from a job I had for 7 years. And in hindsight, if I hadn't been terminated none of this would have happened.

So again, you know, we all like to talk about how neat God is when it plays out the way we like it. Well, I don't know about your experiences but when you get terminated from a job, your income takes a huge dip and your expenses continue at a certain level that produces an emotion called fear. So I get let go from this job and so I go into meditation for about a week. What am I to do? What am I to do?

Put your stuff in storage, Go back to Colorado. My mother had gotten the early stages Alzheimer's. The sense I had was she was gonna die within 6 months spend some time there. Go back to this reunion. That is not what I wanna hear.

See, I got a little fear going on. Right? I need to get a job. No. Put your stuff in storage.

Go back to Colorado. Spend time. Go back 6 days in a row, I get that message. When they sense to do in the 7th, so it's like, okay. Fine.

Fine. You know, you're sober for a while and you do this. It just it's like a nagging thing. It just won't fine. Great.

I'll do it. Put the stuff in storage and go up to Colorado and spend a week or 2 with my mother. And and I was glad I did because 6 months later, she passed away. And, it was good to spend time with her. And then I go back and and I'm gonna I gotta pass through this little town that's 16 miles from Humboldt, Iowa and I got a hotel and I get to this town called Fort Dodge, Iowa and it's like a force field went down and said you're gonna stay at this hotel.

It's like you're driving and I'm very clear I've got 16 miles to go, I got a hotel and it wiggles. Boom. And I stop and I go, stay at the hotel. Okay. So you check-in, you stay at the hotel.

I get up the next morning and do meditation. Go down to the courthouse. Go to the records department. Okay. See, I've never been able to find what had happened is this woman who, had my son and turned around and gotten remarried, changed her last name.

I had no way of finding finding that out. I didn't have any idea but what so I get on the court records. So I walk up. This lady says, what do you want? I said, well, I'm not sure.

She said, well, I don't know if I can help you then. And I said, well, back in, would have been, 1969, you may have some court record. And she goes she pulls out this thing and she said, well, we have stuff on computer but we that's only from the early eighties on. If you want, I'll give you a key and you can go down in this room, dungeon is what it was like. And I go down there and there's these books and So, they used to say, I find it.

So, I went back upstairs she went and pulled it and came back and lo and behold there's a piece of paper in there and it had her married name. So, now I go to the phone book and this is a town of like 30,000 and there's three names. So, I go to the first address and there's no one there. I go to the second address, it's probably like 10:30, 11 in the morning and this guy with a big beer belly is out there drinking beer. And I said, oh, I can talk to this guy.

So, I get out of my car and I walk up and he said, how can I help you? And I said, well, I'm looking for so and so to deliver. And he looks at me and he goes, well, who are you? My name is Mark Houston. He goes, oh, you're Chad's father.

And I said, I think we've hit something here. And I said, well, yeah. I guess I guess I am. I said, do you have any idea? And he said, well, my brother was married to her.

They got divorced a long time ago. She now lives in another town that's 200 miles away. Chad does live in this town. Chad's not talking to his mother. They haven't talked in 3 years and I don't much care for her either.

But I got Chad's number for you. I can get it. He dials, gets a friend. He said, do you have Chad's number? Yeah.

Boom. It gives me the number. So now, I got this number. So, then I go on back up and then this idea comes to me that I need to find the mother and talk to her first. Because I mean, I I saw this boy one time in a courtroom when he was like a year and a half old.

That's it. Right? It's not like there's business. So I have the town that this woman had moved to and I knew what her name was. So I called directory assistance and they had 2 of them.

I called the first and it's disconnected. I called the second one and the voice answers, female voice and I says, is this so and so? Yeah. First name only. Did you used to be so and so?

Yeah. And I said, well, this is Mark Houston. You just dead silent. So I did what the book said. Told her why I was calling.

Well, it turned out she'd had her own spiritual experience but it was through a religious faith. And we wound up talking for about an hour and doing some talking and praying and crying and I wound up giving her her son's telephone number because she didn't have it because of spiritual pride in an argument they had had for almost 3 years. So I'm watching how God works, right? See there's a reason I can't make that amend for 18 years. The reason was ultimately to bring those 2, I mean it's just crazy.

And so, I get done with that and I asked her permission to be alright to call him and said, yeah. So, I called a couple of times, no answer. Needless to say, I did not leave a message. So, I didn't think it right that I just come barging in. And so, 3rd time I reached him And the same thing, I told her I said, do you know who I am?

He said, oh, yeah. I know who you are. And, so I told him why I was calling. And I talked about the nature of the harm and the the abandonment and everything else. And and I said, you know, you need to tell me I'm sorry.

And he he said he said, I need to sit with this. Those are words that I have been using for years. He said, I need to sit with this. And then if we wanna talk about it further, he said, I'll get in touch with you. You.

Now that was in 1999 and I hadn't heard another word and about 2 weeks ago, I get a short note in the mail and there's a clipping from this paper and, he's running for a city council. He's got me written all over. He's might I was the 2 other guys are in their sixties. He's like he was born September 6, 68. So he's like 35.

He's running for city council and here's these other guys and But there was just a little note attached to it that said, he really did sit on it, didn't he? That's, what, 3 years? He said, I I thank you. He said, I'm glad that you're doing well with your life. And he said, I'm I'm doing the same.

Stay in touch. Wow. What a deal. You know? I just got that a couple of weeks ago.

I haven't even told you about that. What an incredible deal. You know, don't miss out on this stuff. Don't miss out on the levels of freedom. I'm gonna tell you one other experience.

After making those 2 amends, as far as I knew in my realm of consciousness, there was no harm I had ever put out in the universe that I had not cleaned up. And I wanna tell you about an experience that happened to me the next morning after that is I came out of a meditation and I literally felt like I was taken through some kind of a barrier and I can only use the words in the big book, into the 4th dimension and I begin to experience that moment from that moment to this, begin to experience life in a way that I can't that I can't even hardly describe to you. Other than to tell you this, that the only reality of my life is the present moment. This breath, the holiness and sacredness of it and it is beyond my comprehension. And it matters not who I'm with, where I'm at or what I'm doing.

It matters about this moment and this moment only. And I am surrounded by grace and love. And I don't believe it's a coincidence that I made those amends, all of those amends, all of those approaches and had that experience. That's why I wouldn't want any of you to miss it. It.

The healing that has taken place within me and with another people. See, when I when I've created that harm, I've I've broke their heart. I robbed their heart and I give them back a piece of their heart, you know. I tell the men I work with you, it comes to a man's, be a warrior. It's a time to be a warrior.

Be a man. Be a woman. Stand up. Be accountable. Show people what this program does.

Sit across from people. Get clear on where you're wrong. It's okay. Like Joe says, you leave the outcome in God's hands. The end result of all this and I'll talk tomorrow is is you know, when I look at my life situation, it is so far beyond my comprehension I can't even tell you.

I get to work and do something I absolutely love. I do what I do for nothing. I don't believe that that's coincidence. I live where I wanna live. I get to travel all over the country.

I have more friends I even begin to have time to spend time with. I'm at peace with Mark. What you see is what you get. I'm at peace with my defects. I'm at peace with my brokenness.

I'm at peace with my gifts. I know there are some gifts I've been given. Some great gifts. There are some things I do that are very unique to me and I stand in the fullness of that. See, I don't apologize for having gifts.

God, what a great way to experience life. There was a thing that came to me not that long ago around this whole issue and that was this, it seemed like in the process of the first nine steps of moving through my amends is somewhere in the middle of that when I was done, I'm now ready to die and somehow when you're ready to die, you can now live at a level that you never could live before. See, I have no fear of death. I have no fear of death. I know what it's like to experience oneness.