Steps 8 9 in a workshop called "Catch the buzz with the steps" in New York, NY

Hope everybody had a nice lunch. Good. So now we'll see a nap from 210 to 4. And we'll just wrap it up real quick. Well oh, questions.

We have good questions. Question. What if you're what if you've completed your 4th and 5th step with your sponsor, but still have many resentments against your sponsor? Well, if the bottom half of that is true, then the second the first half isn't. Then you haven't completed your 4th and 5th step.

If I get if I'm listening to the 5th step of espanzee and I'm not mentioned, I don't feel like I've been doing my job properly. Yeah. Go ahead and if you've got resentments against your sponsor, go ahead and and do it in a 4 step format. I don't think your sponsor is gonna be alarmed. I would find it really curious if they were.

I mean, if I tell them, I resent my sponsor and you told me to do this and I didn't want to. And my sponsor oh, well. Walked out. It's it's crazy. You just put it down.

How free do you wanna be? Right? You wanna walk around feeling like you've been harboring resentments against your sponsor, the person that you defer to, the person that you seek direction and counsel from? Bad idea. Get it clean.

Say so. Takes care of that. How do I get rid of the fear of letting go? I feel unable to let go of the notion of drinking again safely, unable to accept this fact. I know I must.

So someone's afraid to let go of the idea that they can drink again at some point. When you have a question, what's a good idea to do? Go to the book. I don't need the the book says, the persistence of this illusion, this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man, is astonishing. Many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death.

Okay? So if you identify as an alcoholic, but you you you can't let go of the idea of reserving the right that somehow, someday, you may able be able to drink like a normal man. You may be able to safely drink. I suggest that the solution to that dilemma is to do precisely what it is we're doing. Begin the 4th to 12 step process.

Engage in the process. Engage in the process. Wrestle with that is as you go through this process. I don't none of us likes the idea. I mean, I don't I've never met an alcoholic who said said, basically, here's where it's at, pal.

You know, this drinking thing that you've been doing? You know, this thing that that's protected you from the world? The thing that's made it possible for you to leave the house? The source of the only ease and contentment you've ever known. Right?

This thing that has made all things to this point possible for you, it's over and you don't get to do it anymore. I've never had an alcoholic get that information and say, oh, well. Okay then. Bye. Right?

It's a crushing blow to discover that it doesn't work anymore and you're not gonna get it back. That's why we've got a portion of chapter 3 more about alcoholism. That's why the list goes on ad infinitum, as the book suggests, of the attempts we go to switching from, scotch to light wine, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off with or without a solemn oath. I mean, all these beer to light wine. I mean, all this stuff that we do to try to find a way to make it work.

Never drinking before 5, only on the weekends. Vowing right to admit oneself to a sanitarium. Should this blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Right? We do elect to find desperately trying to find a way to make it work.

The the persistence of this illusion that we can drink like no other man is astonishing. Right? So it's a very, very powerful influence on us. That's why most of us have to be beaten nearly to death before we're willing to say, okay. I give.

I surrender. So, yeah, it's and I completely get the the notion and the idea that, yes, I'm an alcoholic, but I don't know that I'm willing to do this. Yes, I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not done yet. Or, yes, I'm an alcoholic, but must it be this severe, this this total abstinence? How about we just shoot for Friday?

I'm good with Friday. Right? We'll drink Friday like normal men. It's a plan. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good plan. We'll drink Friday. But but you have and stop Friday? So begin and end drinking on the the same Friday?

You're getting into splitting hairs. You know where this is going. Right? If I could drink safely, I would. How do you get rid of the fear of letting go?

By letting go and finding that you're still okay. That's how you get rid of the fear of letting go, by letting go. I feel unable to let go of the notion drinking again safely, unable to accept this fact, I know I must, then, by all means, grab a hold of this process and begin to do the things that we're talking about today. Do them. It's the action that brings about the change.

I mean, let's face it. You, who are now horrified that I have singled you out. This won't hurt a bit. Yeah. Trust me.

She's looking at me like that. We'll see, pal. You can sit there and pretty much assume what it looks like from here. Right? I mean, we're in the same room.

You've been walking around. You've looked you you you got a pretty good idea, don't you, what this room looks like from here, sitting there. Don't you? Right. The only way you can really know is to get up please.

Get up. Come over here. Stay keep focused on me. Stay on me. Tell me.

Okay. Now come on. Okay. Go. Now turn around.

A little different than your thought, isn't it? Mhmm. Yeah. It is. That's a rugged group, isn't it?

I got my hands full, don't I? Yeah. Alright. Thank you very much. I suddenly feel like those I think those magic guys feel when they have the little thank the lovely assistant thing.

That was good. I like that. Anyway, you get what I mean? You gotta take the action to find out. Like, you gotta go try and serve to find out about the serve thing.

Right? You wanna you get but see, the thing is is that it doesn't matter what your attitude is, does it? You can think, okay, Earl's on my next inventory for that little episode. Right? Or is there a whole he made me.

Right? Doesn't matter. Or you can think, oh, I wonder where this is leading and be just perfectly fine with it. Right? Not self conscious or anything.

We're safe here. We're among friends. Right? And and just kind of exploring, just going along because you decided to trust me and just do this thing. Right?

And it doesn't matter where your head's at. It doesn't matter if you're afraid. It doesn't matter if it it it's hard for you. If you do it, you get a result. Right?

So I can go to the gym, right, and and lift weights for 10 minutes. And at the end of this 10 minutes, I look to a friend of mine and I say, you know this weightlifting thing? These weights? They're very heavy, I've discovered. And I And the the value of picking up this heavy stuff just to put it back down again, just to pick it back up again, just to put it back down again, over and over and over again, is stupid.

This is stupid. I hate it. Right? However, with this mindset, every other day, I go to the gym thinking, I'm going to the stupid gym. And I'm going to pick up these unreasonably heavy objects repeatedly.

And I'm going to go home, I see no point in this, I see no value, this is stupid. What happens? You get stronger, don't you? You go to the gym every other day and pick up heavy stuff and put it back down again, you're gonna get stronger. It will the action that you take will affect a change.

Right? Doesn't matter what you think about it. Like my sponsor said, you don't have to like this. You don't have to think it's a good idea. You just have to do it.

If you do it, take the actions that are suggested here, it will affect a change in your life. So you can be afraid of all this stuff, of letting go of the option of drinking. But if you do this contrary contrary action, it will bring about a change in your life. You may find yourself looking at it differently. You find may find yourself relieved of the fear of letting go because you have, and you're okay.

And all that you're missing is the component that's killing you. Good deal. Okay? I believe I've addressed that. Now, step 8, step 9, steps 8 and 9.

Step 8, made a list. Harmless enough? A rather benign step, wouldn't you say? What are you doing? I'm making a list.

Good. Of what? People have harmed, And I'm going to become willing to make amends to them all. Now, in the book, a lot of conversation, like I said before, because they're letting me out of the house. I'm going to go talk to people now.

I'm going to go expose them to the new wonder of Earl. I'm going to let a little of my light shine upon them. I'm going to expose them to a remarkable spiritual path. How lucky for them. I'm always amazed.

Are y'all feeling a little lethargic? You ate and we're all kinda sitting here because you got a different energy about you right now. Before lunch, I'm getting a lot of this. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Come on. Bring it on. I mean, yeah. Now I'm getting it like this.

I'm getting that's great, Earl. It's great. Beautiful. So just shake it off. Alright?

Gotta stay in the room, gotta stay here. I had my lunch in 3 minutes. I ate with many fellas, we had a lot of guys, we went to lunch. Right? Everybody got served, was enjoying a lovely meal while I waited for mine.

I got mine, wolfed it down. Believe me, I'm fighting the urge to do this, but then that's what caffeine is for. 89, tricky. Very, very tricky. High wire without a net.

Dangerous steps. Alright? Follow me closely. Lives hang in the balance. I'm going to demonstrate now.

And if I get hurt, I get hurt, and we'll just have to get another speaker. Because, you know, you never know if you're gonna make it through one of these, but I'm going to demonstrate the precarious nature of amends. Okay? You ready? I'm very sorry.

Thank you. Yes. I did steal your car. And, and and I'm sorry. I estimate the value of the car at $10,000 at the time of the theft.

If that is acceptable to you, I will give you this check and I will pay you monthly until that balance is cleared. And I will not go steal his car and sell it to pay you for the car I stole from you. To make amends means to change. So amends is not a get out of jail free card. You know?

I don't get to insult you. Apologize. And then 5 minutes later, insult you. Apologize. I'm clean.

Let's keep moving. I hate you. Sorry. Right? You never should have had children.

Sorry. My favorite tent I'll get into that later. Remind me to talk about Bobby A, one of the great minds of AA on how to get around this sort of stuff. I love the lengths we will go to to avoid just doing it, you know, Except it's in I make direct demands whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Okay?

I'm a I'm a firm believer that I don't go back to the drug dealer that I ripped off. Right? Knock on the door of the den itself. Go into the depths of the den to mister evil and say, about those 2, kilos of cocaine, you know, I'm really sorry about that, man. This is this is an idiot in action here.

There are other ways. Now a lot of guys will tell you there's no such thing as a living amends. You heard that one? How many have heard there's no such thing as a living amends? Okay.

No such thing as a living amends. Okay. I, however, there are certain things that I do on a daily basis in my life that are, in the nature of an amends. Am I clean? Yeah.

Do I walk there with a free man? Yeah. Are there certain amends that I make kind of as an ongoing aspect of my life? Yes. To people who have died.

Can you make amends to dead people? Absolutely. Absolutely. Write them a letter. Make the amends.

How do you know they're not listening? Right? And is it really necessary that they hear it or that you say it? You know? My side of the street my side of the street.

I'm cleaning my side of the street. I don't pay back people my money. I pay them back their money. My side of the street my side of the street, I gotta get my side of the street clean. That's what I'm trying to do here.

In 45, I set things straight about the stuff that I'm putting between me and you and me and god. I clean it up to the best of my ability. 6 and 7, I hook it back up with God, asking God to remove the defects of character because I'll remove the wrong stuff. When I'm hooking it back up with you, I'm clearing away the stuff that I put between us. It's an amazing capacity, the capacity of this alcoholic to borrow $1500 from you and to be paid back a week from Tuesday.

When you approach me a week from Tuesday, I am insulted at the badgering. How I can turn your kindness and generosity towards me as my into my resentment towards you effortlessly. Right? This is a bizarre way of doing things that I'm quite capable of. I gotta get out of this.

Who's gonna get me out of this? You? Oh, there's a plan. This is a good plan. My life my life is now my personal well-being is contingent upon what you do or don't do.

That's a good way to live. Right? If I do that, I'm at the mercy of buffoons. I have I made a pledge in my life and my amends and my lie in attempt to change who I am. I made a pledge to non violence that I am now an I am not a violent man.

I do not raise my hand to other human beings. I don't do that. And that is not contingent upon what you do or don't do. If that's the case, then I'm at the mercy of fools. Right.

I'm nonviolent until you come up and say something offensive to me. And then I'm violent? I mean, prisons are filled with guys that go to sleep every night saying, yeah, you know, I really wish I hadn't done that. If only he hadn't said that to me. Right?

It's it's insanity. If I decide to be nonviolent, then I decide that's my commitment. It's not contingent upon what you do or don't do. If I'm gonna decide I do this inventory work and I recognize and come to a place where I understand that I am responsible for this and I need to make amends to you from my side of the street, then that's that. That's what I do.

I go and I apologize. What you do with that is not the point. It's got nothing to do with right? I mean, people say, you know, I made a mention that you know, I did what you said. I went out and made amends, and the guy threw me out of his office.

Okay? So the amends thing doesn't work as far as I'm concerned. Sure it does. Did you make the amends? Yes.

Did you mean it? Yes. Then it worked. He threw me out. Yeah.

That's up to him. That's his decision for him. That's not we don't concern ourselves with that. This is my side of the street. I must clean my side of the street.

I had a, Al, who's the guy who's my second sponsor. He used to say that he turned his will and his life over to the care of God and God turned it over to the sheriff's department. And he faced multiple felonies. And he faced them, and he walks here at the free man. He's not looking over his shoulder for any anything or anybody.

He's free. That is the idea here, isn't it? To get free? So, I continue to take personal imagery when I'm wrong properly. Admit 10 step let me go back.

9. I make these direct amends. I lived in a one room apartment for six and a half years because all my money went to making amends. When I came in, I believed that if I were to make direct amends wherever possible, I would, pay I would live in this one room apartment for the rest of my life. All the money I made would go to paying people off.

And when I died, I would assign the remainder of the debt to any children I might have at the time. At six and a half years, my sponsor said, you get to move to a nice place now and continue this process, which I did. And it took me a total of 9 and a half years to make my amends. And whenever I thought to myself, I've never been to Europe, I'd think, well, when I do go to Europe, I'm going as a free man. When I would think, that's such a nice suit there, I would think, I would love to wear that as a free man.

When I would this or that, or I'd meet some woman and I decide I need to shower her with gifts because clearly I alone am not enough. I would think to myself, it would be nice to be in a relationship, a free man. A free man. See, I was a slave my whole life, from 12 to 28. Every minute of my adult life, I was a slave to alcohol and drugs.

I wanna be free. So I'm willing to do what's necessary and as a result, I'm catching the buzz that I'm catching. Right? So when in doubt, just do it. Just take the next step.

You don't know what's going to come. Like I said before, the great news about this thing is is that whatever it is I know, there's more. So there's a new understanding as a result of new action. There's a new experience as a result of staying the course. All I have to do if you you would think that if I chop wood and carry water and I walk from here to there and back and forth and back and forth, all I'm ever gonna get is here to there and back and forth and back and forth.

It's not how it works. This one book is not the same book they handed me when I got here. This book is not the same book that I went through for the first time. This is not the same book I went through for the 26th time. This is a completely new book for me.

It is astonishing how I can sit with the new ones and say, okay. Let us continue. You know? Alright. And if your man accepts your offer, it should be pointed out that the wow, that's really quite interesting, isn't it?

To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude. We had to replace recovery above oh, isn't that interesting that I'd read that today, how pertinent that is to my That little scenario there has just happened countless times in my life. Joe and Charlie's thing, the big book comes alive. Never have I heard of a process described more appropriately. The big book comes alive.

It does. It's not black ink on white pages. Over there to be read and observed is something over here on this this page. It actually comes to life. And how does that happen?

How does what's written in here come to life? It comes to life when we pick up the concepts and ideas outlined in this book and execute them in our lives. That's how it comes to life. That's how it comes to life. When you all come into AA and they say, read about this book, how should I do that?

And they say, well, there's people here that have several years, some of them many, many years of sobriety that are conducting big book studies. You think, curious? You think in 22 years, he'd have gotten it by now. Maybe that's not why he's doing it. Maybe that's not why he gets on an airplane to fly from LA to New York on Friday 13th, which by any any reasonable human would say that's unreasonable.

Stay home. My way of looking at things. Why would he do that? He's read it. Stop pestering people.

Stay home. No. Bagels and big book. Is this necessary? I don't see that it is.

Not necessary. It's just how it comes alive. It's how it comes to life. Because I'll tell you what, when I was new, when I came through the doors, when you were talking, what I heard was, and I would go, it's very nice. Thank you.

I didn't understand a word of what you were saying. I mean, my head I say this often, but it bears repeating. In my head, I mean, I would go to Amy's, and I would sit and I would say, alright. Alright. I found my suit.

I found my suit. I found my suit. I found my suit. It's great. It's great.

It's great. It's great. The guy's up. He's up. He's reading.

He's reading. We rarely saw something. Rarely saw something. You know, I'm gonna have to get one of those books and find out what the hell he rarely saw. You know, that just kinda went by me.

You know, you know, what's going on over there? Twelve things. Twelve yeah. Those 12 things, 12 steps. Yeah.

I read the thing on the wall. Very nice. Very nice. And a b c a b c. Twelve things a b c good goodies.

Yeah. I didn't get a lot of that, but, you know, I mean, it's fine. Just instead of my head, just bing bing bing bing bing bing bing. Just insane. You know what I mean?

There's ideas, beautiful spiritual deep principles just bouncing off my skull, you know, just not getting in. You know? You know? I mean, when I I all I I gotta do is go meeting, listen man, go home, no drink. You know?

And paste in the apartment. Jesus Christ. What was that guy talking about? He was talking about something here. But what I You know what?

And and it was it was blah blah blah blah blah blah. But I'm looking at the guy up there. I'm looking at the guy and he's talking about how he drank. And I'm looking at him and I'm thinking, that guy's having a very good time. He seems very comfortable being who he is.

I mean, the best definition of happiness I've ever heard is with wanting what you've got. That guy seems happy. He seems to be enjoying his life. He doesn't seem to be feathered down with all these problems and indecision and, you know, I mean, it's clear to you know, people look at me and they think, step back, I think his skull's gonna explode. You know what I mean?

Just this very tense person all the time. If I was awake, you know, a little anxious. And this guy is comfortable. You know, he's just he's cool. He's up.

He's good. He's good. He's good. And I think that's an example. I don't know what he's got, but he's got something.

I don't know why he continues to be here because, clearly, whatever it is you get, he's got. I don't understand why. But thank God he's there. I'm gonna go ask him how he got that. You seem relatively calm.

How? How? Really? You wanna know how to become? Yeah.

I know I'm standing still, but it and he says, yeah. But you look like you're going about 60 miles an hour or I'll stand in there. Yeah. Yeah. Calm?

Need calm? Help calm? Get calm? Okay. Read this.

Okay. Now I could have said, excuse me, I don't understand why reading this is gonna make me feel better. I don't get it. Explain it to me. No.

Why not? Because you're not gonna get that either. I'm speaking newcomer ease to you, like Donald used to do to me. He took me to the meeting and said, Earl, we make 6 we make 550 cups of coffee here every Friday night for the next year. You're making them.

I said, screw you. I'm ready to kill myself or several other people at any moment, and here you are saying to me, make a little coffee. This particular moment in my life. And he said, fine, then drink. I said, you see, there's no talking to you people.

I'm trying to have a conversation about this, the problem at hand. I'm being current. And you what you give me is make coffee or drink. Fine. I'll make the damn coffee.

Now, he could have said, Earl, let me explain something to you. There's this thing called spiritual service, out of self. Right? Huge. One of the biggest gifts we have in here.

And and the fellowship we get together, what we try to do is we try to take actions and and do things in a certain way to to to demonstrate what can happen to people around here, the value of certain things. So you're probably thinking because you're the new guy, you're the grunt, we're giving you the dirty work, we're gonna make you make our coffee for us. That's not what's happening. We're giving you a great gift. See, because every Friday night, you're gonna spend 4 and a half hours getting to the meeting, getting the pots filled with water.

You go in the middle of the week, you gotta go out there and you gotta get your little condiment thing together. You gotta get the coffee and the little swizzler things, and you gotta get the this and the that. You gotta get the tea for little tea people, and you gotta get the, you know, 3 different kinds of sugar, the real kind, the pink fake, the blue fake. You gotta get the other you gotta get all the stuff together. So you got all your table, you got everything running, you gotta go fill the pots, and you gotta put the pots together, and you gotta make coffee, and you got everything right.

You gotta put the pots in different places, so you don't blow out the fuses. Right? So, you get everything together, you got to make the coffee. You got the coffee for the people. And then, the people and then being a little intense, no.

Right? I got my coffee set up, and the guy comes up, and he gets the cup of coffee, puts the swizzle stick down on the table. Come over there. Yeah, bro. You born in a barn?

Pick that up. I am running this coffee area right here. Unacceptable. People are in the meeting going, dude, the coffee guy. What's the guy coming at?

And the sponsor comes in and goes, no more coffee for you. Because I'm in the back just because I've had 9 cups of the turbo pot over here. You know what I mean? They used to say that my there was a 5 100 cup pots and then there was 1 55 cup pot and they used to say about that pot that 3 cups was a slip. I made fierce coffee.

What I discovered as a result of doing this, right, was that I didn't get to think about Earl for 4 and a half hours on Friday night. I was too busy worrying about the coffee and making sure that I didn't screw it up and get fired from AA. To think about me, tremendous relief. I left there every Friday night feeling better, because a self centered guy like me wasn't thinking about me. I was being of service, out of self, more God, out of self, more God.

The healing was happening. I'm an alcoholic, who knows if he drinks, he's gonna die, and part of what I do for that is I make 500 cups, 50 cups of coffee for total strangers every Friday night, and healing begins. Now, as a newcomer, if you'd have said that to me, it would have done like most things did. Just but if you said, do it or drink, got it. Make the coffee.

And I could be angry and just not like it and have a bad attitude. As long as I did it, I got the result. As long as I did it, I got the result. The 9th step is no different, you do it, you get the result. Doesn't matter if they're happy with you, mad at you, doesn't matter, love you, think you're wonderful.

One of the things that I was told to avoid when I did my 9th step was to avoid going out and saying, Listen. I'm a sober man now. I'm on a spiritual path. Powerful, you say? I think so.

A very, very powerful sober man now. Great events are occurring in my life, and I'm going to share them with you now. And when we're done, you're going to leave thinking, thank God I know that man. My life is different, and I say quite a great deal better having known him. The transformation, the turnaround, he is a message for us all, isn't he?

Please, I'm sorry. Here's your money back in the house. Get out of this hole, you know, what a ain't I great? No. I'm sorry.

You and change. To make amends means to change. Change. I don't do that anymore. I lied to you.

You were hurt by it, and I'm sorry. Anything I can do to make this right, let me know. And I'll be happy to do it. And so that you know, I'm really working on the lying thing. Right?

Now, I don't know about you, as for the lying thing, I lie. I will lie for no reason. I don't know if you are familiar with the lying for no reason. It's a remarkable moment. Isn't it?

When somebody says to me, Earl, how are you? Good. What did you do today? I went to the movies. As I think to myself, You didn't go to the movies.

Why did you tell this person that you just went to the movies? This in no way improved your standing with this person to tell them that you went to the movies. You said, I went to the movies. They went, oh, good. There was no point in it.

It served no purpose. It had no value. You clearly lied just instantly, out of nowhere, for no reason. And the only thing I've been able to come up with on this, the only reason I configured that that happens from time to time is because in some part of me, I'm very very worried that I'm gonna become bad at it. And you never know when you're you never know when you're gonna need a really good one.

Right? So you just occasionally throw 1 out there to kinda keep it oiled up. You know what I mean? That's the only reason I can come up with. I have no idea why that happens.

I many people that I know have had the experience of saying, asking me something, I've answered it. And as soon as I was finished answering it, I said, you know that was a lie, don't you? Yeah, we're used to that, Earl. It's not a problem. You know, here's what really happened.

That's another great gift in recovery, by the way, is the ability to the opportunity to go to somebody and say, in the middle of a conversation, I'm in the middle of a conversation with you, and be able to go, time out. Time out. Erase everything I just said. I'm bending the truth. You know what I mean?

I don't like the way this is going. Yeah. I'm behaving like an idiot. You know what? And the fact is, I'm not an idiot.

I'm just behaving like one right now. And, let's start this over. Now, another recovering person is gonna go, Wow, that was cool. A normie may be a bit alarmed by this. Don't be concerned.

They get to drink. They'll work their way through it. I gotta clean it up as soon as I can, which brings us to 10. Now, I believe the action plan to be, 1 is problem, 2 solution, 3 decision, 45 me, 6 and 7 God, 8 and 9 you. 4 through 9 action plan to bring the solution to step 2 about in my life.

To make it not words on a page but to make it real for me by these actions that I take. Okay? 10, 11 and 12 keep me in the game. 10 is me, 11 is God and 12 is you. Because as I go through 49, I can do this to the absolute best of my ability and I can begin to affect the change in my life.

But odds are, having lived the way I've lived for so many years, I'm barely scratching the surface on this stuff. There's worlds within worlds here. This stuff goes as deep as you want to take it. Right? But in that first pass, I've introduced myself to the processes that are available there, the principles that are afoot in those steps, the nature of relationships with God, self and others.

I've introduced myself to this. I want to keep this rolling in my life. I want to keep this going in my life. I don't want to do a nice little one day workshop and then go back to my old ways. I beseech you.

How long has it been since someone beseech you? I beseech you. Do not do that. Make a move. Make a move in your own defense, in defense of your own life.

Take an action. Do something different. Do something in addition to what you currently do. Add to the mix. Expand, enlarge upon what we already have.

Right? 10, 11, and 12 allow me to do that, allow me to keep the ball rolling. 10, me, 11, God, 12, you, which we will explore immediately following the break.