Cecil C. from Saskatchewan

My name is Cease Kolder, and I'm an alcoholic. I am not from Alberta, Canada. I'm from Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, Canada. There is a great difference. I want you to know that.

Very grateful to be here. Matter of fact, I'm grateful to be anywhere. But, it says on the podium to talk slow. Oh my god. We haven't got time to talk slow after all those announcements.

Are you sure there's something you haven't missed? Talking about talking slow, it reminds me of a story about a church that was trying to raise some money, and they decided to sell Bibles. And they the whole congregation went out with a bunch of Bibles to sell them. And 1 lady sold 10, Another one sold 12. 1 sold 6.

1 guy come in, and he sold a 143 Bibles. Man oh man, the minister grabbed everybody and brought them in there, the whole congregation. And he said to them, how did you sell a 143 Bibles? And he said, well, it was like this. I would walk up to the door, and I would ring the door bell.

When they came to the door, I would say, I am selling Bibles. Would you like to buy 1, or would you sooner that I read it to you? She could even keep up with me. Hey. This is really a convention.

Would you mind telling the speaker if you ever see him? I don't know what his name was. The guy that talked last night. Herschel, a friend of mine. Would you tell him that I don't miss him?

You know, he comes to a place to speak, not to listen, because, obviously, he's gone. But I'm sending a tape to him at this time. I've been watching the committee and tell you, you've got a real committee here, past and present. I've heard the one guy that's going out, he gave his is going away, deal 17 times already. If he's not here tomorrow morning, I'll give it because I know it.

He said he's from Louisiana. Wish he'd go back so I don't have to hear When I came to Alkali's anonymous, they told me that I had to be honest. And, I've tried to be honest, But sometimes we do things that are just a little bit dishonest. I mean every one of us we're trying to be honest and that reminds me of another story. This guy running a very successful business and he hired a man that was mute and for bookkeeper And the business was going along pretty good, but then the guy got thinking, well, I never talked to this man.

You know, wonder is he honest. So he checked the books over every night and he found out he was $50,000 missing. So he wondered, how can I do this? How can I talk to this man? So he went and got he had a friend like our good lady over here that could do sign language and he went and got him and he said he brought the fellow in and he said ask him where my $50,000 is.

And so the guy went, you know, where my $50,000. And the guy come back and says, I don't know. So the guy said, ask him again. So he said, I hope I'm not swearing. But he ask tell him I wanna know where my $50,000 is.

And the guy comes back and says, I don't know. So the guy pulled out a gun and he put it on the table and he said, tell him that he if he doesn't tell me, I'm gonna shoot him. So he said, if you don't tell him, he's gonna shoot you. And the guy comes back and he says, don't know. So the guy put the gun right up to the guy's pamper and says, tell him he's got 30 seconds.

And if you don't tell us, tell him he's history. And the guy said he's he's gonna shoot you in 30 seconds if you don't tell him. The guy come back and he says, it's at a tin can underneath the old oak tree in my backyard. And the guy said, what did he say? He said, he doesn't know.

So you see, we can become dishonest just in a moment. And I've been watching the committee as I said before and before I started talking about the guy from Louisiana. I've been watching them and they've been getting along really well. Maybe they've had some fights behind the scenes, I don't know, but it's good to see a committee getting along and walking in unity like they talked about at the tradition meeting today that 1400 of you people weren't here. And it was on Unity.

And I believe that's something about the second legacy. I don't know. I heard that. But, anyway, this reminds me of a story too. It's, this fellow and I was privileged by to be driven around the golf courses this afternoon by Todd.

And thanks a lot, Todd. That was great. And thanks, Chris, for driving me the rest of the time. I mean, these 2 guys did a real job. And, anyway, this guy was sitting in a in a clubhouse, and he was he was just sitting all by himself.

And and finally said, oh, god. And the voice came down and said, yeah. What's the cover? He looked up, said, that you got? And God says, yeah.

That's me. What's the problem? He said, I can't putt. I said, oh, god. Just, you know, keep your head down and swing the old putter like the pendulum clock, and I'm sure everything will be alright.

So while he had him on the on the line, he, he thought, well, I better have a little conversation with him. So he said, tell me, God, do they have a golf course up in heaven? And God said, just a second, I'll check. And he went away and he come back and he said, I got some good news and some bad news. First of all, he said, for the good news, they've got the most beautiful golf course I've ever seen.

The golfer said, what can be the bad news? He said, your tee off time is 10 after 8 tomorrow morning. Did I say it too fast? You're not laughing. So, anyway, you see, we never know when our tee off time is gonna be, so, you know, let's be kind to each other and go to tradition meetings.

I came to Alkali's anonymous January 16, 1952. And I was 27 years old and I thought that you know, it was the end of the world. But I found out in this book called Alcoholics Anonymous, why I got you. In a doctor's opinion, it says men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that after a while they admit it is injurious that they admit it is injurious.

They cannot after time different entry to truth and the false. To them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. And then it says they are restless, irritable and discontented. I was I had never had a drink. I was 16 years old, and I became restless, irritable, and discontent.

I wanted to be a good athlete and I was a good athlete. And but when I was 16, I became little had a little problem with discipline in my home, had a little problem with discipline in my church and a little problem with the discipline in my school. So I ran away from discipline. And to show you what a smart teenager I was, I ran into the Army to get away from discipline. It really wasn't one of my smarter moves, I'll tell you.

And I did very well in the Army. I was just out of high school and, Kelly, I got on to things real fast, became an instructor, but I got kicked out when I was 17 because, you see, the first night that I was in the Army, I went downtown with the rest of the men and I went into the beer parlor with the rest of the men and I had some of that beer. And man, oh man, it was something else. I became a good conversationalist. Somebody said something I didn't like, and I got muscles.

Told them where to head in. We went dancing, and you should have seen me. My god. I was Canada's own Fred Astaire. For the benefit of the young ones, he was a great dancer.

Then I took a gal home, and I was Clark Gable and Charles Boyer, the great lovers of those days, all in one. But the next morning, I was that scared little boy that had come in the the day before to join the army. But every night, I could be what I wanted to be because I would go with the guys to be what I wanted to be. And I just love that booze. When I was 17, as I said, I got kicked out and I went back home and I got a job in an aircraft factory and I got too much responsibility and once again I became restless, irritable and discontent.

And I ran once again because I didn't like responsibility and I ran back into the Army, told them I had never been in before and this time I was a genius, Became an instructor immediately, got recommended for my commission, loved to stand here and tell you that I was an officer in the Canadian Army, but I got kicked out when I was 18. And I went back home and I got a job in a newspaper selling advertising. Great job. But once again, I got responsibility and I got restless, irritable, discontent and I ran once again and I ran into the Navy. I really wasn't too swift.

I got recommended for my commission, and I went away for officer's training. Got married at the same time, 19 years old. Still married to that same gal, incidentally. I know that's not popular in California. I call her my current wife just to keep her in shape.

I'd love to stand here and tell you that I was an officer in the Canadian Navy, but I got kicked out of officers training. When I was out there looking at the big ocean today and I saw a big ship out there, I it seems that an officer didn't appreciate me telling him what to do with his ship. When I looked at that ship, believe me, it's absolutely physical impossibility to do with that ship what I told them to do with it. But I didn't get get kicked out of the Navy. I just got kicked out of officers training.

And I became a gunner on a merchant ship. And I sailed all over the world and I got drunk all over the world. Didn't think there was anything wrong with me because everybody was doing it. Everybody that I chummed with, that's it, was doing it. And you know, I sailed with a lot of your people in the South Pacific.

As a matter of fact, you owe me a great deal of gratitude or something, but you have never ever mentioned it to me and it hurts me deeply. We were down in Australia on a with our merchant ship and we were unloaded and one of your ships got torpedoed with a load of tanks that was going into New Guinea and the government ordered us to take your tanks into New Guinea. And we've just taken a load of whiskey down mostly for your fellas and we neglected to unload all of it. And we went up to New Guinea with your tanks and we got I don't mean your drunk tanks, I mean your tanks that you fight with And we unloaded them. Those Japanese people were a little narrow about that.

They were shooting at us and trying to torpedo us and everything, but we got coming back, got the tanks and load and we're headed back to Australia and our own ships came out to meet us. Well, by this time we're celebrating and everything and we thought it was the Japanese aircraft coming back and so we started to shoot at them And suddenly the captain realized it was our own aircraft we're shooting at, and he got really panicky. I don't know why we weren't hitting them, I have to visualize this. Here's the captain up here, and I'm down there in charge of this big forward gun. I was always in charge of something.

And and he he had to stop us firing because we're fired at our own ships, on on aircraft. And so he screamed down through this big megaphone that went all through the ships, and he hollered down, cease fire. I kept the war going for another couple of days. He said if I'd have got one of our own ships, I'd have been a Japanese ace. But you've never ever, you know, given me any credit for that.

And I know one day, if Clinton can just hang in there, You may recognize me. But anyway, I got back home from the war, and I had a beautiful little girl who was 20 months old and I didn't know anything about being a husband. I didn't know anything about being a father because this all happened while I was away. Faye was born while I was out at sea. And so I didn't know anything about this.

I didn't know really anything about anything except drinking. And so I started getting jobs and losing jobs and, you know, it was real bad, and and Babe was always seemed to be a little narrow about these things, and she was always preaching to me what I should do and what I shouldn't do. And, finally, the last 2 years of my drinking, I had learned to gamble when I was in the service. So I was also a gambler. And then I became a fighter.

And the last 2 years of my drinking, I had 17 fights, 17 knockouts and I lost them all. And I wasn't fighting in any ring or anything, I was just fighting in the bars and stuff like that. And that's how I got to Alkali Anonymous. 1 night, I was at a hockey stag. That's where you make money illegally to support your hockey team, poker games and all this stuff, selling booze.

And I was looking after the I don't know why they would put me in charge of the bar, but they did. And finally, I left that job and I got into the poker game. And I did an unforgivable thing. I got caught cheating. And it's okay to cheat maybe in a poker game, but don't get caught at it, especially by the guy that caught me.

He was a he'd been a commando in the Canadian Army, and he and I had a fight, or I should say he had a fight. He hit me and I hit the cement floor, and I got up and he hit me and I hit the hit the cement floor. We did that a whole bunch of times, and finally, I just stayed down because I couldn't get up, you know, and they took me out the hospital. And I was in the hospital for 5 days. And to show you how popular I was, not one soul came to visit me, not even my family.

I just lay there, and finally, the doctor came by after 5 days, and he told me that he had done everything he could do for me. And he said the rest is up to you. And I said, well, what do you mean, doc? I've been in the service with him. And he said, well, when you're in the service, I think you're alcoholic then.

You should have had your commission. You didn't get it. And he said things haven't improved since you got home. So he said, I would suggest that you stop drinking, but I think you're alcoholic. And I said, well, what do I do?

And he said, well, I would suggest that you join Alcoholics Anonymous. And he left me there. I'll be there all day long thinking about that. That night, a couple of guys uninvited came to see me and I knew both of these fellows and they were dressed up and they were clean and they weren't usually like that when I saw them. And here they were and their face was shining and clean, and their eyes were nice and bright.

And they told me about Alcoholics Anonymous. And I think it's so important when we go to see somebody that we look good. We don't have to have an $800 suit on or anything, but just that we look good. Because these guys, I knew them when they didn't look so good and here they're looking good. And they didn't tell me that I had to stop drinking.

They told me what they did to stop drinking. 1 of the guys I would swear he was the sloppiest drunk in all of Canada. But this night he is sober and he is looking good. The other fellow I have been in the service with him and he got sent to a penitentiary for robbery with violence when he came out of the service. And he found Alcoholics Anonymous in our penitentiary.

And they told me about this deal and they said would you like to come to a meeting and I and to get rid of them I said fine. And that they said, well, tomorrow morning, we are having an emergency meeting for you. I come from a town of 35,000 people. In 1952, there were 15 people in Alcoholics Anonymous, And they told me to be at a certain restaurant at 10:30 the next morning. Now I know why I became alcoholic.

I became alcoholic because I'm a Protestant. Don't laugh, you Catholics. I lived in a Catholic community, grew up in a Catholic community, and they treated me bad. They called the bingos in Latin so I couldn't understand them. And here I am in a Catholic hospital with a bad check for a private room, and this little nun, she's just not going to let me out of there until I pay for that check, and also because I was Protestant.

And, that's what I thought anyway. And so the next morning I phoned the only person in the world that I might my credit was any good with, and that was my bootlegger. He was a taxi driver. He came up and bailed me out of the hospital. Probably had he known what I was going to do, he would have left me there because I haven't had to give him any business since then.

Where a guy died of a broken heart. And I didn't want to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was something like the 3 alcoholic rabbits. I don't know whether you have alcoholic rabbits or not down here. Back in Canada, we have them.

I don't mean ordinary Saturday Night Drunk rabbits. I need real genuine alcoholic rabbits. And there were 3 of them. And they were called foot and foot foot and foot foot foot. And foot foot you just phone them foot foot foot and he said, Alex, put the old foot on to the bar.

So Foot Foot Foot and Foot Foot. They'd pick up old foot and they'd go down to the bar. 1 night, Foot Foot was sitting and talking talking to Foot Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot. He said, where's Foot? And Foot Foot said to Foot Foot Foot, he's here just a minute ago.

We went outside. So Foot Foot Foot and Foot Foot. They went outside the farm, poor old foot, and Foot was dead. So Foot Foot said to Foot Foot Foot Foot, he said, what do you think we should do with Foot? And Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot, he said, well, we should take him to the funeral home.

After the funeral, Foot Foot said to Foot Foot, what do you think old Foot died from? Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot, he said, well, I think he was alcoholic. And so Foot Foot said to Foot Foot Foot, he said, you think we're alcoholic? And Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot, he said, we're drinking quite a bit. So Foot Foot said to Foot Foot Foot, he said, do you think we should join Alcoholics Anonymous?

And Foot Foot Foot said to Foot Foot, might as well, he said we got 1 foot in the grave anyway. I'll catch her before the night's out. And that's what I thought. I thought you had to have one foot in the grave before you came to this thing. So anyway, we went to this meeting in this in this restaurant, and I wish you had seen me that morning.

I had blood all over my clothes from this fight I'd been in. My wife didn't come to see me. She didn't bring me a clean shirt. My shirt was torn blood on it. It was cold outside.

I had my overcoat collar up. And these 3 guys are these guys started to arrive. There were 3 guys there when I got there. The rest of them started to arrive. And in those days, if you got alive when they all came.

And, you know, you couldn't take a chance in losing somebody. And I liked them. I knew every one of them, but and I liked them. And they told me about this thing that there was gonna be a big meeting that night, a big meeting. Can you imagine if they'd if they knew ever ever knew that there was gonna be something like this one day?

Is there going to be a big meeting tonight? We're going to have a social. The wives are going to come. There weren't any ladies at that time in AA in our town. And so they said they're going to take me home.

And I said, no, no, no. I can go home by myself. Well, you see, I'd been away a few times before for 4 or 5 days. And the babe I call her, and I also call her missus I want money, she she is she, she was kinda narrow about me staying away. And if I brought somebody home with me, she'd run them off.

And I thought, my God, I got some really good friends now. I don't want her to, you know, get rid of them. But anyway, fortunately for me, Al Anon wasn't in place in our town at that time and but some of the ladies used to go on one of the nights go to a mixed meeting, to an open meeting. And they've been up to see her, a few of the wives, and they told her what I was trying to do. And I walked in that door scared because I thought, man, oh man, she'll embarrass me with my friends.

But she kissed me and said, I think everything is going to be okay, hon. Nothing else that kept me in AA for that day because she changed already. Boy oh boy. This is good stuff. And that night we went to a Saturday night we went to an AA deal.

And we got there, and they had a social, first of all, and they played games. And there were old people there. My God, they're 40, 50 years old, you know? And I thought, oh, god. I wonder if I did the right thing here.

It wasn't my idea of a Saturday night. I'll tell you. And then they played pin the tail on the donkey on a Saturday night. And I thought, oh my god. This is the end.

You know? But then I looked and everybody was having a good time but me. Even the babe, she was just in there just having a great time. And then they had a meeting. I could remember the first guy standing up, and I knew him.

He was a salesman. He said he'd been sober for a year. And I sat there in the back, and I thought, liar. You know? I know you.

You go out and drink. You're a traveling man. You would drink and come in and tell these donkeys you're sober, you know? And after the meeting, a couple of the old timers, they took me they were sober about 18 months probably, and they took me in another room and they said, now, tonight in those days, they used to say there's no much in Alcoholics Anonymous. They said, you've heard tonight that there's no much in AA, but tomorrow morning, they said there's a meeting here, a breakfast meeting at 8 o'clock and you must be here.

And I'm glad they talked to me like that because you see that's the language that I understood. And I can remember that night, little Bobby mother, well, he's now gone to that great round up up above. Little Bobby said to me, he said, Jeez, we have 2 meetings a week, Tuesdays Thursdays. And I want you to make a decision right now that you're gonna go to 2 meetings a week, and then you don't have to make a decision each meeting. You know?

That made sense. Mind you, I didn't think I was gonna stay this long, but but I did that. And I true enough, on Tuesdays Thursdays, that's my meeting night and I'm still going. Bobby showed this book to me and he said, want you to buy a big book. And as I said, I'd been in that poker game and I'd almost lost my life as well as my money.

And I said, Bobby, I haven't got any money, the $3.50 And he said, buy it on the installment plan, $0.50 a week. So I bought my first book, 50¢ a week. And man, oh, man, did I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I stayed sober just had pats on the back. They would say, you're doing a fine job, young fellow.

God, it was great. We'd go to deals in other little towns and meet with, you know, 10 or 20 other people and we went to these deals all the time and they would say, gee, we heard about you. You're doing a good job. And I was really, really, really happy. But then a horrible thing happened.

Some younger members came in. And they walked right by me and talked to the older members. The older members walked right by me and talked to the newer members. And I don't care whether you're in Al Anon, Alatine, Alotot, Alcoholics Anonymous, whatever you're in. One day you're going to become a middle member like I did.

And it's a bad thing. It's just like being in a hole in a donut. You're nothing. They just walk right by you. And I thought, by golly, I'm going to go out and practice a bit the great roundup and we have the great roundup and we have discussion meetings where I come from and Ernie said that we asked him to chair the meetings for 3 months.

Ernie said he would chair the meetings for 3 months if we would do something. We said what's that? And he said, I want us to do the steps as a group, not study them. I want us to do them. And so we thought we'd humor old Ernie along and so we said we would.

And that's the story I wanna share with you tonight, The story that I've had since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous. We went to the first meeting, 16 of us, Earl Ernie in the chair and Ernie told us how to bring our big books, sent us home, and told us to read the first 58 pages. We still do that, the same system, but now it's a 164 pages. He told us to read the first 58 pages and, of course, that puts in puts in the how it works. And you may think, well, what's the big deal about that?

The big deal is we thought Ernie was going to ask us questions about them and I'd phoned my sponsor. Incidentally, I have the same sponsor that I got that first night. He's 84 years old, sober 10 days longer than me. And I thought he was an old timer. And I'll tell you, like but he always figures his sobriety by the days, and he announces how many days it is.

And he neglected to count the leap years, so now I'm ahead of him. I got 2 days more than he is, I think. But Elmer and I would phone each other and would say, I wonder what the owner is gonna ask us. And we really studied that book, the first 58 pages. And we'd get something really interesting and we'd say what do you think of E.

He asked this and then we went back and guess what? He didn't ask us anything. He said everybody read the big book what I asked you to do and everybody put their hands up. And then he said, okay, tonight we're going to take step 1. Well, we admitted we're powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

And he the 12 by 12 wasn't out yet then and so he started to take it out of the big book and showed us where the first step was. Of course, Bill's story was in there. There's a solution. And I didn't even know there was a second part to the first step. I knew that I was powerless over alcohol, but I didn't know that I had an unmanageable life.

I had an unmanageable life as far as money is concerned. Now many people think that that's when you're drunk, but I had an unmanageable life sober. If any you give any dear old Presbyterian or even Catholic woman enough of that Flit that I drank and I guarantee she'll have an unmanageable life. And I had an unmanageable life as far as money is concerned. I spent money like a drunken sailor because I was suffering from big shot ism.

I wasn't a big shot. I just had big shot ism. I I know you people down here in California won't even know what I'm talking about, but I had financial problems. I came to Alta Alex 9 anonymous owing $6,200. I know that's not a lot of money.

Probably you got that in your hip pocket. But if you put that into inflationary terms, it's probably what, $35,000 $40,000 maybe from 1952. And I didn't owe it for anything. I just owed it. You know, I came by way of a poker game.

So some of it I owed to strange people. And so I got a really, really good job. After about 9 months in Alcoholics Anonymous, my boss took me to the bank because he got sick and tired of people phoning the store to inquire about this money. And he took me to the bank manager and he endorsed my note for $6,200 And I don't know why they did it like this, but he and the bank manager, I gave them a list of whoever I owed money to. They wrote the checks out.

They had me sign them, and they sent them out. I don't know why they did it that way. Guess what? 3 years later, he bailed me out for $75100. For you see, I had an unmanageable life as far as money is concerned with big shot ism.

I would walk into a store and they'd say this is $3.69 The great one here would say you got something for about $700 I really suffered from that disease. And I know that none of you have ever had that. But if ever you sponsor somebody that may be down here from Canada, tell him that you heard a Canadian speaker and he had that same disease, and and he got rid of it. And I tell you what, I just had to take a look at that. I had to take a look at a lot of other things in the unmanageability of my life.

But in that step 1, I learned about that. The next week, Ernie told us to think about all the things where we've got an unmanageable life. Next week, we went back. He asked us how we did with it. We all shared with him and he said tonight we are going to take step 2.

Well, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore its insanity. It was before treatment centers and they used to send us out to mental institutions and we had an alcohol problem. And so I said to Ernie, restore me to sanity. I've never been in a mental hospital. So I said, how can I come back from somewhere I haven't been?

And Ernie said, it's not that you're insane. It's the fact that you've got negative thinkancies, and this program will allow you to get positive thinking. I was you know, I don't know whether down here you've ever done this or not. We sit around 4 or 5 of you trying to help somebody that's not there and you say things like I heard, did you know, oh my god. It's awful.

You know? I was that kind of a guy. I could do that all day long. And Ernie said, we want to restore you the same thinking. I was something like a negative barber.

Guy stood sitting in the barber chair one day, and he said, I want a haircut to last for 3 weeks. Barber said, why 3 weeks? He said, I'm going on vacation. The barber said, where are you going? He said, first of all, I'm going to London, England.

The barber says, you're not going to London, England. He said, I am. He said, do not, sir. I am. Sir, I wouldn't go there if I were you.

He said, I and I've never been there, but I heard. Lousy place to go. Too many people. Too many cars. The guy said, look.

I don't care if I don't like it there. I'm going on over to Paris. The barber says, you're not going to Paris. He said, I am. He said, you're not?

Said, I am. I said, I wouldn't go there, are you? He said, no. I've never been there, but I heard. He said that they really pleased the tourists over there.

The guy said, look. It just cut my hair. He said, if I don't like it, then I'm going to Rome. The barber says, you're not going to Rome. He said, I am.

He said, you're not. He said, I am. Wouldn't go there by you. He said, a lot of Catholics over there. The guy said, look, I don't care.

I'm a Catholic. Yeah. But he said, I heard different kind of a Catholic over there. 3 weeks later, the guy come back, slid in the barber chair. The barber says, how was your trip?

He said, it was good. He said, it wasn't. He said, it was. He said, you didn't go to London. He said, I did.

He says, you didn't. I said, he did. He said, I'd love to stay there long. I don't wanna get on to Paris. He said, you didn't go to Paris.

He said, I did. He said, you did. And he said, I did. He said, I'd love to stay there long. I don't wanna get on to Rome.

He says, you didn't go to Rome. He said, I did. He says, you did. And he said, I did. As a matter of fact, he says, I got an audience with the pope and the and the barber says, you didn't.

He says, I did. He says, you didn't. And he says, you'll never believe what happened. I bent down to kiss the pope's ring, and you'll never believe what the barber what the pope said. And the barber says, what?

And he says, where the heck did you get that lousy haircut? And I was something like that. You know, I didn't know, but I'd heard. So I had an unimaginable life. Step 2, I found a manager.

Went home satisfied. Next week, we went. Ernie asked us how we made out in step 2. We said, oh, share it a little bit. He said, okay.

This week, we're gonna do step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Someone said, well, I I can't find this God. Ernie said, don't don't go looking for God. God's not lost.

He said, what it says is made a decision. Made a decision. That's all we asked you to do. And he read it to us, what we're like, you know, when when she finished reading tonight where it says we're now at step 3, right under that one, the the ABCs. And if you read that, you'll find out what you're like and who I don't know who would like to be that way.

Now I know it's tough to make a decision. There's nobody wants to make a decision. I heard a story about an old poacher. I know in California, you don't even know what a poacher is is, but back home, we have them. They fish out of season.

They do whatever they want. And this this old poacher, he was fishing all the time. And a new game warden came to town dressed in old overalls. He went down and made friends with his old poacher. 2 o'clock in the afternoon, the old poacher said, I'm going fishing.

And the guy he just made friends with, who we didn't know, was a game warden. He said, well, I'll could could I come with you? So they waited. They went out the middle of the stream. They get out in the middle of the stream and the old poacher stops the boat, reaches over, opens a tin box, pulled out 2 sticks of dynamite, lit them, throw them into the drink.

Boom. Up comes the fish. Out comes the knife. Start filling the boat. Out comes the badge, and the old game warden says, I finally got you.

And he's given the old poacher a lecture. The old poacher doesn't even bat an eye. Reaches over, got 2 more sticks of dynamite, lit them, handed them over to the game warden. The game warden sit there with 2 lit sticks of dynamite. And the old poacher says, look it, buddy.

Do you wanna talk or do you wanna fish? He made a decision. I'll tell you. So all it asked us to do in step 3 was make the decisions to turn them I will in our life over to the care of God as we understood him. Not as we understand him.

Some people say as we understand him. There's a difference between understand and understood. Not gonna tell you what it is. Find out for yourself. But I went home and I hadn't learned to pray in front of my good wife as yet.

So I went into the bathroom and I had to keep it real simple. I said, look at god. I made a bad job of managing my life. How about you looking after it? That was it.

I had to keep it real simple because if I complicate things, believe me, I'm in trouble. Back home is a friend of mine that has a ranch. Another guy says, how did you get the name of your ranch? And he says, I wanted to call it Bar Q. My wife wanted to call it Susie Q.

My son wanted to call it Bar Susie Q, and my daughter wanted to call it Susie Bar Q. So we call it Bar Q. Susie Q. Susie Bar Q. Bar Susie Q.

The guy said that's a great name, but where's the cattle? And he said none of them ever survived the branding. So just make the decision, or you may not survive the branding, you know. Next week, Ernie came and he's got pencils and papers. And and we said, what's this all about?

And he said, well, I heard someone was gonna take a step forward, but they didn't couldn't find a pencil and paper. She used a pencil and paper. And he took this big book. Now I know there's lots of people who got deals of how to take a step forward, but Ernie went to this conference approved deal and he showed us his book on on page 65. It tells us how to do it.

I am resentful at why the cause and the effects are how it affects me. And he said, just go home and fire find that and do a step 4. And we took our pencils and papers and went home, and the entire group took the step 4. We came back, and I was so proud of mine. Wasn't proud of the way it looked, but I was so proud that I did it.

I wanted to share it with Ernie. Ernie said, no. No. That's personal. We'll we'll tell you what to do with it.

So back home, we have 5th step study groups for men of the cloth. And next week he said we're going to make appointments for you to your 5th step. Now I know down here I hear people say they took their 5th step with their sponsor. I'm gonna share something with you on a book that I bought in United States. So you'll not think that this is some, you know, propaganda I'm bringing down from Canada.

It says on page 74, rightly and naturally we think well before to choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Imagine that's the Catholics. And it says, though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem.

I flip step with old Elmer. He's a blabbermouth. First of all, if I told him some of the stuff, he wouldn't know how to answer me anyway. But I went to a minister, Protestant, mind you, And I took my 5th step with him. He shared a few things but himself with me.

He used to be kind of a orangutan too, and we became really good friends. And then he told us that the minister knew what to do because he'd done 5 steps, knew what it was all about. He says, now do you know what you're supposed to do? And I said, yeah. I'm supposed to go home and take the book down from the shelf and read step 6 and 7.

And you see, the reason that we don't want to take an inventory by ourselves and I don't know why we don't want to because I used to take everybody's inventory, but I couldn't take one of my own. And I find a lot of people in AA and Al Anon that way that they don't want to take their own inventory for fear they'll find out. I heard a story about a a dear old society lady. She went to the doctor, and she said, doctor, I got a problem. He said, what's the problem?

Well, it's really not a problem. She said, I got gas on my stomach, but no problem. No odor and no noise, she said. He gave her some tablets. She came back the next week, and she said, now I really got a problem.

Bad bad order, but still no noise. And so he gave us some more tablets, and he says, now that we've done something about your ears, we'll see if we can do something about your nose. So but you see, we just don't want to we don't wanna take our our 4th and 5th steps because I don't know why. I guess it's because of fear, and it says it's resentment, sex, and fear that, you know, caused this. I was I was chairing a meeting with or speaking in Winnipeg, Manitoba 1 night, and I was talking talking about that everybody has sex problems.