The history of AA and the 12 steps in Jekyll Island, GA

Oh, they started in the 1st grade. I didn't say to the sister, this kid is super bright. He is super bright. Put him in the 4th grade. No way.

He's not ready for the 4th grade. Sure. He's smart. Of course, he's bright. He's mine.

But he's not ready for the 4th grade. He's ready for the 1st grade. So put him in the 1st grade. When ready, he'll go to 4th grade. Not difficult.

Now it says, when ready, we say something like this. If you're not ready, don't say it. Go back somewhere else. Go back to 3 usually and get ready. If you're not ready, you'll know if you're ready.

And don't kid yourself. If you're ready, you're ready. Right? It's like a job. If you they make you the boss, you're not ready.

You're not gonna be the boss very long. Sex. Either you're ready or not ready. If you're not ready, it's not gonna be very much fun. Hey.

Oh, you know? What happened to you? I'm not ready. That never happened to me. I have a regular ongoing sex life.

How many times a week is semiannually? You look like you would know that. A little attempted humor there. Damn it. I I know that.

Please. Thank you ever so. When ready, I want you to listen to this because we're gonna do this again together too. Listen to me. It says, my creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad.

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character, which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows, may I do your will as I leave here As I go out from here to do your bidding, amen. Here is the next line is the most important line there is. Now listen to this. You ready? We have then completed step 7.

See? Now the step has only 7 words, and it says, humbly ask him to be well, I've endured, and so have you, a couple of million boring lectures on humility. I don't give a lecture on humility. There are not enough people here. You Gotta think fast now.

You gotta go. Besides which, if I could have the step and back me, I would show you. Humbly is an adverb. Is that not true, counselor? Educated person, humbly is an adverb, and adverbs modify verbs.

Is that not true, doctor? That is true. So it says, humbly ask. Humbly is an adverb. It's describing how you're supposed to ask your father for something.

You know how to ask your father for something. Please, daddy dear. You don't demand things from your father, do you? It pisses them off. You ain't gonna get it.

Right? Now listen. They could have written the 7 step another way. They could have said we all became humble. They could have said we all practice humility.

They could have said a lot of stuff. They they didn't do that because it wasn't true. He was having a conversation with this thing that was on fire. And quite naturally, Moses said to this fire, who are you? And the fire said, I am that I am.

And Moses said, thank you for clearing that up. For a moment there, I thought I was talking to a tree that was on fire. That's the way this guy was. What's the power I wanna I said, is it God? He said, if you want it to be.

Sure. If you want it to be. Whatever you say. And he says, listen. What are you worrying about?

What do you care? Have you not experienced the removal of the desire to drink? I said, yes. I have. So what the hell am I doing?

What Christ's sake? It's all over for you. If you don't think about drinking, you're never gonna drink. Is that a power? That's it.

You don't have to get all excited about God. And now, later on, sure. There is a power. Is there not? A power greater than Christmas.

Do you feel it in this room now? It's here. It's the same power that Bill brought to Bob. Free. It's available.

Anything you want. It's a power greater than our own. And you come to believe it wasn't just, you know, fast and it happened. I came to believe this, and then I learned later on what it was. And what it was is is nothing less.

What it is is nothing less than the power of God. That's what it is. Nothing less. Our book tells us that over and over again. And very fortunately for me, our book tells us more than that.

It talks of God all the time, and it says this. It says, God does not make hard terms with those who seek him. And this is true. Is this a hard term being in this beautiful place? I've experienced this.

I've been over in Saint Simon and, Sea Island and places like that. This is the first time I've ever been on Jackal, but I know this coast. This is not hard terms. Is this difficult to be with people you know for a weekend, people who care for you, people for whom you care, these are not hard terms. For me to see Jim and all my old friends here, Steve and Jennifer from North Carolina, not hard terms.

These are good terms. Easy stuff. Easy stuff. Easy. Doesn't require anything, and I came to believe because it happened to me.

That's all. I experienced it. And if this is so, why wouldn't I wanna stay with it? Of course, I wanna stay with it. Of course, I say he said to me, listen.

You gotta make up your mind what you're gonna do. So what are you talking about? He said make up your mind. You're gonna stay here, or you're gonna go back where you came from? Are you kidding me?

I'm going back there where the noseless one lives. The Irish call whiskey the creature. I'm going out there where the creature gets me. Not a chance, brother. He said, good.

Then you gotta do certain things. I said, I'll do, you know, whatever you tell me to do. He said, good. Do a 4th step. I said, not now.

I'll be where I'm working at I said, he said, you make up your mind to stay here. He was talking about the 3rd step. I said, how about god? How about my will? How about my life?

He says, what would God do with your life? Are you crazy? God doesn't want your life. He gave it to you. Why would he want it back?

Don't be ridiculous. I don't make too many pronouncements, and I'll make a here's a pronouncement for you. There is no requirement in this program that you turn anything over to anybody for any purpose ever. Just forget about it. God doesn't want your life.

For Christ's sake, he gave it to you. That's your life. It's a personal, individual, unique life, and it's yours. You do it as you will. Now for alcoholics, we best find out the truth of the matter.

And our book says, here's the truth. A life based on self will can hardly be termed a success. That was a hard lesson for me to learn because by all exterior appearances, material appearances, I was a success. Nobody else in my neighborhood became a law professor for Christi. So the cops said there's nothing wrong with that cops' firemen, burglars, some armed robbers, a lot of priests came out of there.

And judged by all of that, I was a success. I was so successful that I spent my 35th birthday in a mental institution. I was only there a matter of minutes when I discovered a very serious architectural deficiency in the building. There was no doorknob on my side of the door. Happy birthday to you.

I explained to a man in a white coat who was standing around. I said to him, on this very day, I have attained age 35. Therefore, under the constitution of the United States of America, I am eligible for the office of president. He urged me not to plan any campaigns. He said there were 2 other presidents in residence.

I think Washington and Jefferson were there. A life based on self will can hardly be turned to success. See, I I deluded myself. I was in some some kind of a time warp. I find this with alcoholics.

Our auction officers fully used to bees. You know? The youngest sales manager, the youngest vice president, the youngest professor, the youngest colonel, the youngest used to be. And I pull out crap on my sponsor and say, listen. Hey.

Hey. You're not a professor anymore. That's a long time ago. That's where I was 1. Yeah.

He said, but you got fired. Well, you shouldn't have fired me. So why the hell not you drunk in class? You don't show up. Bastard.

God, I would pout. You know? Oh, I had that resentment for years. Sons of bitches. Now he says, make up your mind.

You're gonna stay here, or you're going back there? Are you kidding me? That's like saying, would you like to go back to Duluth, Minnesota for a weekend? I've been to Duluth, Minnesota. Thank you very much.

Once is enough. I saw the bridge. I saw the lake. I froze my ass off. I ain't never going back ever no matter what happens.

So you know what's gonna happen. They'll call me next week. I said, I'm in. You know, I'm gonna stay. Good.

He said, now we pray around here, he said. Oh, so I know that. No. I've been around. I know this.

So now I've been, like, my 6 month. He's, well, that's how we take the 3rd step. We say a prayer. I said, sir. I know I know all about that.

Well, 19 years for the Catholic school system, I do prayers of all types, Latin, French, English, prayers for everything, attention of our holy father, the pope, Prayers for the crops. I'm in the south Bronx. We used to pray for the crops every fall. The Italians were growing marijuana up there. Otherwise, nothing grew.

You know? The Irish would drink a beer. The Italians would have grown marijuana. Yes. So we pray for the crops.

And I kept pestering him for a job. You know? I I I was I needed a job. I mean, a a good job. I had 7 children.

I had no money. I had more you know, I had a lot of things to worry about. And he used to go, poo poo. Like, you know, like, it was nothing. And you know what?

It's nothing. He pointed out to me what the book says. He says, you know, there is a law of supply at work here, spiritual supply. I said, I didn't know that. He said, well, look.

Right before the 3rd step prayer in the book, look what it says. Here's what it says. When we sincerely took such a position, the position of the 3rd step, making a decision to stay here, All kinds of remarkable things happened. We had a new employer. Being all powerful, he provided us with everything we needed, provided that we stayed close to him and did his work well.

See? That's the spiritual law of supply. If you stay close to him and do his work well, you will get it. Now what did they say? You don't get what you want.

You get what you need. You or is that right? Is that what they say? That's a lot of bullshit. You get what you get.

Whether you need it or want it or anything else. And believe me, brothers, if you're gonna get it, you're gonna get it. Now the trick is, what do you do with it once you got it? Correct? You're gonna get it, and you best learn how to handle it.

And the way you handle it is through Here's the prayer. I offer myself to thee, to do with me, to build with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them will give evidence to those I would help of your love, your power, and your way of life. May I do your will always.

Now I'm gonna go through that prayer again. And for those of you who want to, you say it right after me Because the line after that prayer says, many of us found it helpful to take this step with another person. So if you wanna take it with each other and with me, here we go. I offer myself to thee to do with me, to build with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will.

Take away my difficulties. That victory over them will give evidence of your love and your power and your way of life. May I do your will always. I would take a break. Thank you.

To that section of the 5th chapter in the book where it says, a, we were alcoholic and could not manage our own life, b, probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism, and see that god could and would if he was sought right after that. The next line is being convinced. We were at step 3 where you and I just ended. At step 3, being convinced, it says, now if you're not convinced that you are alcoholic and cannot manage your own life, if you're not convinced to that, if you're not convinced that no human power is gonna relieve your alcoholism, and if you're not convinced that god could and would if he was sought, then you're not at step 3. See, this book tells you exactly where you are and exactly what you are to do next.

And when you get to the 3rd step, it says some of us and we said that prayer together because it says that we found it helpful to take this prayer with someone else. Then it says, we then proceeded on a vigorous course of action. We got down to causes and conditions. My sponsor at this point said to me, you gotta write an inventory. You gotta write an inventory.

You gotta find out what's the matter with you. I said, yeah. I'm I'm I'm I'm working on that. 75% of our coxswains is working on the 4th step at all times. Everybody's you know, you go you go to the kind of meetings I like where you go around the table to get to the first step, and a lot of these idiots think the first step says, tell me how you drank.

So they tell who the hell cares, honey? That that's what they think it says. And then they say, the second step is the next week, and I think the second step says, tell us how crazy you were. So they tell you a lot of bullshit about how crazy they were like you could. Nobody cares.

On the 3rd step, oh my god. Oh, are they close to god? They're so turned over. They don't know whether to wear the blue tie or the red tie till god speaks. You know?

So what are you gonna do Thursday? Oh, day at a time, god's talking to me. You know? They're all fully turned over. They have no life.

They have no will. It's it's wonderful. Then you get to the 4th step. I'm working on that. I pass.

I pass. I I make the the first three steps, I make the equivalent of the emergency room in a hospital. Everybody knows that the emergency room in a hospital is always on the ground floor because the you gotta get there. It's an emergency. And the function of the emergency room in a hospital is not to diagnose and cure disease.

The purpose of an emergency room in a hospital is to take care of emergencies to make sure that you have the, the bodily fluids are right, the vital signs are right, the pressure's right, bind up the wound, sew up this, suture up the stuff and and make sure the guy don't die. That's why you have emergency rooms. And when they get the emergency taken care of, they take them up to the 7th floor, and they kill them at leisure up there. Because when they get them up on the 7th floor, they can do search and research and a couple of zillion dollars worth of tests. And then they say, you got a problem with your kidney, Charlie.

And they give you a diagnosis. It's your kidney's not working, and they give you a prognosis. You take you give you a protocol. You take this stuff, and in a little while, you you'd be all set. And that's what the first three steps are about.

That's emergency treatment. You know? That's an emergency. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, in my own mind, anyhow, it was an emergency. Goddamn it.

I was gonna die or blow up in a 1,000 pieces and never be found again until unless somebody would help me. Now I didn't formulate it that way, but, Jesus, it was an emergency. Now I'm I'm around 7 or 8 months. Still going to meetings every day, and, I start talking funny. My sponsor starts hearing crap come out of me.

I'm saying things like, a lot of smoke in those meetings. You know, people, they smoke cigarettes. You ever notice that? A lot of smoke. Makes my eyes hurt.

Now just 8 months ago, I'm in some saloon. It's 5 o'clock in the morning, and the fucking smoke is so thick. I can't even see the walls. And the guy's trying to close, and I'm begging him to stay open. No.

Don't close. I like in here. Look how bright my eyes are. No. No.

Never wet smoke. This is wonderful. Nah. It's it's fine. And then you hear crap like, there's no parking.

Did you notice that? I mean, they should have they should have parking for us. This prick did not have a car 6 months ago. And then you hear crap that's really pathetic. You know?

They say things like, I gotta spend some more time with the family. Isn't that pathetic? The whole family is saying, get out of it. Get out of the house. Go to those meetings.

Give us some peace. Quiet. Daddy's here. Yeah. Then all of the old people have to get their teeth fixed, and all of the young people are going to the community college.

They're all gonna be brain surgeons. We had a kid in Miami who said he wanted to to be a doctor. He said he didn't wanna become a doctor. He just wanted to be a doctor, Yeah. Drive around in a Mercedes, play golf on Wednesday afternoon.

And my sponsor said to me about this. He said, this is the medicine. You understand? The first three steps, that's the emergency. Now he said, you are at a place where we give you the medicine.

This is the medicine for alcoholism. Steps 4 through 10. That's the medicine. And that's the way he put it. Let's face it, gang.

Medicine is not pleasant. You know? Medicine is not a lot of fun. It's not a barrel of monkeys. But we have an attitude about medicine.

We're we're nurtured that way. And if the physician says to us, he gives us a bottle of this brown, noxious crap and says take this 4 times a day. We do. It says 1 teaspoon every 4 hours. We take 4 tablespoons every 20 minutes and see if one is good, 2 is better.

We better take 6. Shit may not work. One of the physicians says, hey. You see this thing here? Stick it up your ass.

And we say, how far? You know? It's gonna help? Yeah. Well, we'll do it.

You know, that's medicine. Around here, we say, listen. Write down on a piece of paper. I'm working on that. Oh my god.

Not this minute. You know? I'm I'm getting there. I'm I'm circling around it. You know?

It's ridiculous. And, you know, who wants to take the medicine? And listen, if if you had the flu and you go to the good doctor and he gives you a bottle of the brown, knocks your shit, and you come back 2 weeks later and you're worse, And he says, did you take the medicine? Say no. Why didn't you take the medicine?

I don't like medicine. What the hell did you come here for in the first place? Well, I don't like coughing and all of that stuff. I'm trying to sleep nights I need. You know, I gave you the medicine.

You know, it tastes terrible. You have to call a psychiatrist. Right? Because he's not got the flu. He's nuts.

Put him in a loony bin. He's crazy. Give him the medicine. He won't take it. That's us.

Here's the medicine. Not a chance. You're a trusted servant. I'm not gonna are you crazy? I have a very fine mind, very logical the hell is that?

Was it witchcraft? That has nothing to do with drinking? What the hell is that? Was it witchcraft? That has nothing to do with drinking.

I write some crap on a piece. What the hell? You may imagine if you went to a doctor, you say my I drink 7 gallons of water a day. Maybe you're diabetic. Well, if you're a diabetic, tell you what, you go home, write down a list of people you hate, you'll be all set.

I want another opinion why you're ugly. Thank you. Uh-huh. But that's what we get here. See, nobody wants to take dementia.

Nobody wants to take dementia. I wanna take dementia. And they wanna get better, but they don't wanna take dementia. And it's all code. You know?

They talk this code, this this crap. You know, rooms are crowded. And and and unfortunately, they go away, and a lot of them don't come back. Some come back. Some don't.

But you got it. It's like, you know, you gotta take the medicine. Now people come, and they, you know, they try to run these games by with the forceps. They come to me, for instance, because I'm old, and they say to me, beloved guru, And I say, yes, my son. And they say, I'm having a problem with the 4th step.

And I say, you are full of shit because it's true. They're not having a problem with the 4th step. Here's the problem. The problem is they have never made a decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God as they understand them. The reason they have never made a decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God as they understand them is that they have never come to believe that there is a power greater than their own which can could restore them to sanity.

The reason they have not yet come to believe that there is a power greater than their own that could restore them to sanity is that they have never accepted and conceded to their innermost self that they are powerless, that their lives are unmanageable. It is not a 4 step problem. It's a first step problem. Do you understand? If you admit your own powerlessness and help lessness and uselessness, you will do anything.

You will go to any length, and this is not a big deal. This is not a big deal. And don't run those games. They come to me and they say they need help with their force up. Are you kidding me?

I'm supposed to tell you who you hate? How the hell do I know who you hate? I'm supposed to tell you what you're afraid of. I don't know what you're afraid of. I know what I'm afraid of.

And that's all that's all the book tells us to do. The book is very clear on this. They even know smart guys like me were coming around because they put a diagram in for us. See? You just fill in the blanks.

Here it is. It starts off by saying very simply, resentments are the number one offenders. Nobody hates like we hate and forever. Yeah. Guy told me last night sitting around here, his his 50 year old son called him up and said he didn't give him a bike one Christmas.

What Christ's name is that? No? The world is full of victims. We're all evict everybody's a victim. We didn't do it.

No. No. It was done to us. We're all victims. I'm from a dysfunctional family.

I'm a victim. I didn't get the right sled at Christmas. My sister Marie was a pain in the ass. Grow up. Remember my friend Pogo who was sitting on the end of that log one day with his powley alligator, and he said to him, I have found the enemy, and it is us.

We did it. I did it. Nobody I'm not a victim. I tell you I wouldn't sit still as a victim for 5 seconds. Fool around with me.

You'll see what a victim like I am. I kill people. That's why I was good at what I did. So it says here, write down the resentments. Look.

Here it is. And it says, put down the name, mister Brown, because his attention to my wife he told my wife or my mistress. He Brown may get my job at the office. Now by any civilized standard of behavior, by any moral code in force in western civilization. Mister Brown is a world class prick.

But if I'm mad at him, there's something the matter with me. What is this? Communism in his worst possible form. I'm not allowed to be mad at him. Why?

Because I'm an alcoholic. I will drink at him. See, other people can get mad, and they rant. They rave, and they act like fools. We do that too.

Plus, we drink. Behind every defect of character, there is a drink, and in every drink, there's a drunk. It's that simple. Write down who you hate, and who knows better than you who you hate. You know who you hate.

I can help you out, but you know who you hate. Just take anybody close you hate them. Resent hate is resentment from the Latin word. Resensio, to feel again. You know how that goes?

He did that to me. Oh, let me think about that. Well, I'll run it around one more time. Oh, oh. Let me do it again.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's getting worse. Do it one more time. Trouble with me was I when I went into one of those rages, I was too stewed. I used to sit in this chair we had, and I watched TV with one eye like this.

I was watching reruns of the Dick Van Dyke show about 8 o'clock in the morning, and I had a bottle of vodka. And I used to smoke in those days, and I'd be dropping Pall Mall's in the chair. It'd begin to flame, but I used to take a leak in the chair all the time. So it never really went on fire. It just sorta smoldered and smelled bad.

You know? And I'd sit there. My Brooks Brothers' underwear watching the steam come up. You know? And I would hate people, and I would drink it.

Then my eyes were rotten, son of a bitch. Fire me away, bastard. Give me that. One of these days, boy, I plan my comeback. You know?

I gotta get dry clothes. I gotta get my car back from the repossession. I'm gonna so you sit there and hate people. Resent. Fire me.

Oh. With tenure. Oh. Good teacher. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Dirty son of a bitch. If I could only get out of his chair, I'd kill him.

That's one of the differences with cocaine. Boom. They're out of the chair with a machine gun. Alcoholist just sort of sit there. You know?

I'm fine. Yeah. How you doing? Fine. I'm fine.

That's fine. I can't this is the medicine. It's the medicine. Write it down. It's the medicine.

That's all. Write down what you're afraid of. Those things that go bump in the night. Fear. It says we wrote down our fears even though no resentment was attached to them.

You don't have to hate them. Just be afraid. Fear was the ruling emotion of my life when I drank. Fear. I was in a state of continual.

It wasn't fear. It was terror. Absolute terror. My air would stand up on it. Fear.

I knew what I was. I knew I couldn't change it, and I knew I was gonna die. I was gonna die that way. And, brother, I used to say to him, why do I feel so guilty? He said because you're guilty.

And when you're guilty, it engenders very strong feelings of guilt. Zen. And I was guilty all the time, and the guilt increased the fear and the fear increased the guilt and the guilt increased the fear and the fear increased the guilt. And the booze would put it away for about 20 minutes. Oh, shit.

Now today, it's 29 years later, and I'm I'm at a red light. And one of those thoughts, you know, floats through your head. You go, oh, Jesus. Did I do that? Then I'm looking around to see if anybody knew.

He said, oh, I'm the only one in the car. They would see that? This computer we have up here, things go in there, and it produces this stuff pops out. Fear. Fear.

Fear. Put them down on a piece of paper. See? Then it says list your faults. Where were you selfish?

Selfish. All the time selfish. Dishonest? Hey. If I was talking to you, I was lying to you.

You know, alcohol is just a wonderful chemical. I mean, it does exactly what it's supposed to do. I'd wake up at 7:30 in the morning, terrorized. You know, I'd be in there terrorized in a wet bed, and I'd say this is to myself. This is it.

This is the day they all show up at the one place. She who must be obeyed. He who is my boss, the guy at the bank who I lie to every week, the judge that I lie to every other week, why I can't be there. They're all gonna be down in my living room. Now nobody been in my house for about 3 years, but they're all gonna be there that morning.

And then and then they would drive up with the white truck and the guy with the net, and they'd take me away. I knew it. Oh, brother. And I go in and I have a drink in the kitchen, throw it into the sink. And all these people hanging around.

You know? 7 kids, miss O'Keefe, all the rest of all my cheerleaders. Where they go, pop? I'm fine. They're coming home tonight.

Who knows? Then I get into that saloon on fortieth and Lex with Charlie O'Brien. Charlie never got out of grammar school, but he was a very wise person, and he was the bartender. And he would borrow me a triple, and I would drink it. Boom.

Then I give you another triple, and I would drink it. Boom. Boom. Another great calm would descend on me, and peace would float in. And what was I afraid of?

What was I worrying about? What is wrong with me? I want to panic there for a moment. Give me your phone, Charlie. Is this the bank?

You keep that shit up, and I will never borrow money from you again. Boom. Give me that dean out of law school. I am not coming in today. There's just so much a human can do.

Boom. You You know? Restored to health in a matter of, not afraid. Master of the universe. Rise again.

And that would last for 40 minutes, and then you get another little fix along the way. You know? Drinking was not the problem. It was those in between periods where you couldn't drink, and those goddamn do gooders wouldn't let you drink, and they couldn't mind their own business. How come your suits are on fire?

I don't know. Leave me alone. Well, what were your faults? Says put the dream prophesied. What is your fault?

Selfishness, self centered, all of that. And why is this is the what contributes to alcoholism? Why are you nervous, irritable, or discontent? I'll tell you why. Because you're terrified, because you're full of hate, and you're a lying, cheating, rotten, dirty son of a bitch who stole from your mother, your fathers, your sisters, your brothers who screwed every boss you ever had.

Anything else? All kind of people. People we know and love and admire, rotten, dirty, right to the core, sober as skin deep, but drunk as to the bone, brother. And then it goes on to say, write down your sex problems. Got a little sex manual here, and it says I read now about sex.

It does not say now about a deep, meaningful relationship or now about love or even now about marriage. If you're if you're interested in those things, this is not for you. This says now about sex. See? And none of it says it says most of us have problems in this area.

We put them down on a piece of paper. And then it goes on to say that there are some people among us who want nothing but pure sex all the time. It says some would have us on a straight pepper diet, and others would allow us no flavor for our fare. This is Bill Wilson, 1930 language. Some people say if you have sex, you're going to get drunk.

The book says, oh, no. No. No. No. Book says not so.

Not so. That's not in the black part. That's in the white part, this part about you can't get laid till the 18th birthday or something. It's not in the book. The book says what the book always says.

It says in this area, sex is a very important area of our lives. No point pulling punches about it. It says the same thing it says everywhere. It says be honest. Is that alright in a sexual relationship to be honest?

It says be kind. Is that something you would like in a sexual relationship? Kindness? Anything wrong with that? Honesty, kindness, and trust in god.

That's what it says. That's what it says. It goes on to say that God alone can judge our sex situation. God alone. That relieves me from a terrible burden.

I don't have to judge your sex situation, whatever it may be. You may be making up to alligators for all I know. What do I care? What does it got to do with me? As long as you're honest and caring.

That's all it says. And it just repeats what it says all over all over the book. Where have we been selfish, dishonored, or inconsiderate? Who do we hurt? Where were we at fault?

What should we have done it since? Instead, we put it all down on paper and look at it. That's all. You look at it. I learned a lot from my 4th step.

The man on my 4th step, The person on my 4th step was not the guy I thought I was. I was operating under a delusion. That's the point of the 4th episode. We know who we are. I was operating under a delusion.

I thought, as I said before, I was stuck in a time warp someplace. I was back in, oh, I don't know, 1959 or 60 instead of 65, 66 now. You might have liked to have known me in 1960. I was smart. I was bright.

I was funny. I was a great ballroom companion, great guy to hang around with. Enormous, fun to bullshit. And I was just a good guy to be with in 1960 because I wasn't falling. I'm drunk all the time.

I was drunk, but not falling. I'm drunk all the time. But, you know, things change. Missus O'Keefe, she who must be obeyed, would say to me when we socialize, she would say my beloved, which is how she addressed me most time. When we go out this evening, she would say, please do 2 things for me.

And I'd say, tell me what you wish you my treasure, and it shall be yours. And she would say, first, do not get falling down drunk. And secondly, she would say, somewhere in the course of the evening, say I don't know. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do either one.

Nuclear physics, I'm in. You know? Here's what I think. And then when I look at this, I think here I am an absolute genius, great to be with, real pal, Friend to all. Successful.

Then I look at this piece of paper. That's not what I see. What's on there is a terrorized, defective, arrogant human being. So defective is if I were an automobile, it would have recalled me. You know?

Get him back. He's this guy's defective. That was defective. And I had this 4th step, and I was very anxious to to give it to him because he'd been giving me such a pain in the ass about. So I showed up with my little I had about 3 pieces of, you know, yellow stuff to lawyer shoes, And I tried to give it to him, and he wouldn't he just get you know, he had this terrible look about him, But sponsor look, you know, they get that someplace.

And he said to me, did you admit this to God? I said, I don't know what you're talking about. Look at this step. The step says admit to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our own. So did you admit this to god?

Said no. He spoke, admitted to god. I said, well, how do you do that? He says you admitted to god, and he went away. And I'm sitting here like a dummy with this piece of paper, and I don't know what the hell I'll do next.

I really ain't. Jesus Christ, I did it. Why don't I read it, Prick. I, you know, and he came back a little while now. You know?

Whenever I do the 5th step, whenever I get to this to this, portion of it, I tell a story because I like the story. It's my favorite biblical story. I like the story, and I like the way I told it. And and it has to do with the 5th step. It really does.

And and you all know this story. And the story is about this man who had the 2 sons, And the younger one came to the father one day, and he said, I want my inheritance. And the father didn't wanna do it, and the kid insisted. And much against the father's judgment, he gave him his inheritance. And and the Bible tells us the son went afar off and into a strange land, and he engaged, the Bible says, in righteous living.

And he experienced wine and women and song. But a great plague came. You know the bible? There's always a plagues that come in or frogs or something. He says a great plague came to this place, and the boy woke up and and all his money was gone.

So it's a given that if the money was gone, the women were gone. And when the women went, there wasn't much to sing about. So he was left with the wine, and he lived with a pig farmer, and he slept with the pigs. And he ate the same food that the pigs eat, and that's no place for a boy from a nice Jewish home. And so he said to himself, I will go back to my father.

Even the servants in my father's house have it better than I have. Even the servants in my father's house eat better than I do and live better than I do, and I'll never be his son because I walked away from him. But maybe he'll give me a job working for him, and I'll be a worker. And so he started back to his father, and the Bible says the father had been sitting by a window looking all his all his time. His father been sitting by his window looking out to see if the son would come back.

And the servants came to the father, and they said he's coming. The Bible says the father went more than halfway to meet him and welcomed him and hugged him and kissed him and said, you are my son. You have been lost, and now you are found. You have been dead, and now you live. And the father said to the servants, prepare a party for my son.

Bring out the food for my son. Bring out the good clothing and the perfume and anoint him and dress him so that we can welcome him back. And the other boy came back from the fields, and he saw all this going on. He was annoyed, and, he wouldn't come. And the father sent the servants over, and the servants said, your father says come over to the party.

And the other son said, I'm not gone. So I've been here all these years working for him. Never once did he throw a party like this for me. Never once did he let me wear that kind of clothes, and I've been doing his work all the time. And the father said to this son, listen.

He said, everything I have is yours. I already gave him his, so you're the only one left. When I go, everything around here is yours. But this is your brother who was dead, and now he's alive. You come to the party.

And so he did. So he did. And I think that's very much the way it was with me and perhaps with you. I had been away for a long time from my father. A long time.

And I guess when I sat there, I guess I don't know. I just it's too long ago, and I'm too fancy for I guess I said I'm back. It's me. I'm back. But I know there's a starter party.