The Eastside Group in Fort Worth, TX

Situated. My name is John Kelly. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. And my sobriety date is September 4, 1999. And for that, I'm very grateful.

I don't wear sweaters like this, and I'm feeling creeped out already, man. I gotta come in sweats, I would've. Alright. I got a whole I got scared. I kinda missed the part of the announcements when you're doing, like, the birthday night.

I'm thinking, what birthday night was Saturday? And this next Saturday night, it means I gotta go through 4 through 12 tonight. And I was thinking, woo. But they said it's Sunday, so I'm cool. Alright.

We're still gonna cover a lot of ground. You know, I I try to thank God every day. Hopefully, as soon as I wake up, but many times throughout the day, I try to thank God for the people that he's put in my life, and and I'm just very grateful that they were there in my life when I came back in September 4th 99 because that was my last shot. I I, and I totally believe that. And I don't I don't just give that lip service thinking, hell, we all got another drunk in this.

I I just don't think I got another sobering up in me. I'm at the end game of alcoholism, and thank God I made it to some place where the the lights were on. You know what I'm saying? Somebody who knew the solution and somebody who wasn't wasn't afraid to hurt my little feelings and put me to work and that's what he's done and and with him and God and these these steps, I've been sober since then and I really dig that. I left off at the 3rd step last week and I'm just gonna dive right into it because I'm gonna try to go blow through 9 step 9 tonight.

So it's pretty cool. I got I got my last desire chip on on a Tuesday, September 4th. Right? I said a little prayer when I got home, 4th. Right?

I said a little prayer when I got home following the directions of my sponsor, and I knew that that night and it was it was a kind of a weird feeling because, you know, those 3 days after my last drink of me getting to that desire chip night, it was brutal 3 days. My mind is screaming for me to drink. I'm shaking. I'm vibrating. I cannot hold down any food.

I'm in bad physical shape. It's it's horrible. But he said he told me to say just get home and tell God thanks and I got one more shot. And I did that, and I had this curious feeling, and I mentioned it last week. I had this feeling deep down within me, I don't ever have to drink again.

And I read page 46 and it says, as soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice, express even a willingness to believe, we're gonna get results. And a couple days had gone by from that last desire chip, and I go to my sponsor's house and I meet with them, and and we we go over this this basic stuff again one more time, make sure there's no questions, make sure there's not nothing, make sure all the cards are on the table, and he ask me if I'm willing to go to any length to get what he's got. And I said, yes, sir. I am. And he said, we'll see about that.

And we went off and got nailed on our knees and we did a 3rd step prayer. And, and my 3rd step prayer was simple. I said, you know, god, I've tried to get sober since 1988. I'm scared and I don't wanna die drunk. Please help me.

I need your help. You know? Give me the willingness to do whatever I have to do to get what's in this book. Amen. And my sponsor said, stand up.

I thought I screwed up because we weren't reading it out of the book. And I stood up and he gave me a hug and he looked at looked at me over the top of his little glasses and says he points right at me and says, you just did the 3rd step prayer. I voiced it without reservation. There was no more lurking notion. I think doctor Silkworth, if you read not God, I think he calls it, deflation at depths.

There was no more bargaining chips. The job, the car, the girl, the the holy trinity for me as an alcoholic were not gonna fix me. And I felt a lot I felt, you know, now I got a purpose. Right? I got a purpose and we left off at those those promises on the top of page 63.

Right? And it's gonna it says, I'm gonna see what I can contribute to life. And my sponsor says there's a there's a there's a job description in there for you, and it says your job is to stay close to God and perform his work well. And I've since added that onto it. My job today, even since then today and hopefully till the day I die, my job today is to stay close to God, do this work no matter what.

Today. And I'm gonna get everything I need. And I'm feeling pretty good at that point, but I got a whole bunch of stuff blocking me from this power, And so I gotta do an inventory. And the big book is very the program of alcoholics, I mean, you would you would know it from all the discussion means I went to all the years, but the program of alcoholics is very specific on when you're supposed to start your 4 step. It says next.

Look what it says at the bottom of 63. It says, next we launch on a course of vigorous action. Now, that's pretty specific. Not next month, not next week, not when you get your job, your car, your car, you know, your girl back. It says next.

I've got to find out what's blocking me from the power. My actions today show God how willing I am not to pick up a drink. Done a lot of those 1, 2, threes, get a little good feeling, keep going to meetings meetings meetings meetings meetings, and slowly, but little by slowly that wears off and I go back to drinking. Now they're telling me to take some action. So as we launch on the course of vigorous actions, the first step of which is a personal house killing, which many of us had never attempted.

Now here's some more great words. Though our decision was a vital necessary for life, though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once. Followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things which have been blocking us from that power. So they tell us precisely when you start your 4 step. Next, at once, a vigorous effort.

You know? And it's a sad state. It's a sad state in Alcoholics Anonymous today when a newcomer says they're doing a 4 step in Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and and all of a sudden we start talking around our little tables. And I'm not saying y'all do it. I know we don't do it, but I've heard it in the past.

It's like this 4 step is this big ugly monster, you know. You might as well have like a cat turd on my head. Everybody's staying away from me. This guy is doing a 4 step, man. The oh my god.

It's like there's some big ugly monster that's in the closet. Right? It's a list. My God. It's a list.

I mean, where do we get off scaring the newcomer? It is a list. I've been I've been I've seen some 4 step manuals. I've seen some that are, like, 36 pages, 63 pages of questions. My god.

I'm glad my sponsor didn't give me that. Gave me 63 pages of questions to answer. I'm drinking. I wouldn't have made it. I wouldn't have made it.

But inside this book, inside these precise instructions, they're gonna tell us exactly how to do a 4 step. And it says, therefore, we started on a upon a personal inventory. This is step 4. And then he goes on to use a business analogy. Right?

A business that takes no inventory goes broke. If I have a little corner, you know, 711 or whatever, and every Monday morning is, you know, inventory day. And every Monday morning, I come and look at my shelves and I look up back on the shelves and say, whoop, I got bread. Don't need to order bread. Right?

Because they're telling me it says we made a searching and fearless moral inventory. Right? And here he calls it taking commercial inventory to fact finding, searching, and a fact facing fearless proposition. Right? So I come in I come in every Monday for the next 3 weeks and every 3 you know, every Monday, I look.

No bread. No bread. No bread. Pretty soon, you guys don't you stop coming to my because what do I got on the shelves? I got a chemistry experiment.

I got a bag full of mold. Right? Well, I did the first part. I counted the bread, but I wasn't you know, that bread was expensive. I didn't wanna get rid of that bread.

You know, I paid so much for the bread. I'm proud of the bread. You know? Joe ain't buying it because it's full of mold. Right?

That's what they're telling us here. Right? It says one object is to disclose damage and our unsalable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret. Alright. So it says we did exactly the same thing with our lives.

We took stock honestly. First, we search out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. Being convinced itself manifested in various ways was what had defeated us. We considered its common manifestation. Alright.

And I gotta read this next little part and then I'll I'll vamp a little bit, but I love this. Alright. And I'll tell you why. It says, resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.

From it stem all forms of spiritual disease for now, this is important stuff right here. For we've not only been mentally and physically ill, the allergy, the mental obsession, we have been spiritually sick. Now here's the hook. Here's the promise. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

Did you catch that? When the spiritual mal that's a recovered alcoholic. That's the formula for a recovered alcoholic right there. Don't let anybody tell you there ain't no such thing as recovered alcoholic. Because when the spiritual malle is overcome, guess what?

By taking these steps later on in the book, the middle obsession has been removed. It does not exist. And if I don't have the middle obsession lead me to the drink, it doesn't matter if I got an allergy to alcohol. I ain't drinking. I ain't thinking about not drinking.

It has been removed. It does not exist. That's awesome. So now they're gonna give us some specific instructions. It says in dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.

Right? So the first thing I'm gonna do in my, know, my sponsor has these little sheets. Right? And I don't I don't ever bring these when I talk, but we got these little sheets. It's like a template.

It's a tool. That's the way I pitch it to my guys. This ain't the be all end all. This is a tool that we're gonna use to do your 4 step, and it's got all the instructions from the big book on the top of that page. Right?

So the first thing we're gonna do with resentments. So I'm gonna list the peoples, the the principles, and the institutions with whom I'm angry. We gotta think about what a resentment is. A resentment, it's pretty easy to say I mean, I guess we could cop out and say, well, who you mad at? You know?

That's kinda what my sponsor sponsor did to him, but, goes a little deeper than that. It's like instant replay. You know? I have a breakup with this girlfriend, like in 1987. Right?

And 10 years later, I'm driving down the road, things aren't going really well, my puppy's sick and I didn't get the job promotion that I wanted, and I hear our song, right, on the radio. Immediately go back to 10 years ago when she was cheating on me or whatever the case may be, and I instantly I refill, rethink, replay, and I wanna kill her. Right? And it just eats my lunch. That's a resentment.

Now you cut me off in traffic. I may get pissed off at you, but as soon as you leave, they'll think about you again. Right? That's not that's not what they're talking about. It's what is the stuff that we've been another way to cop out on it and say, hey, if you got drunk, you tell me what your resemblance are.

You know what I mean? If we're drunk at a bar, well, I'll let I'll tell you all about it. It's the stuff that I'm lugging around day after day, year after year. Right? That stuff owns me.

Owns me. I mean, these type, whether it's real or whether it's fancy, the big book says, and a lot of my stuff was fancy. It didn't even happen. I just thought it happened to me. Right?

That stuff owns me. Owns me. So it says we asked ourselves why we're angry. In most cases, we found it was our self esteem, our pocketbooks, ambushes, personal relationships including sex, which were the herders. So we're gonna make a little list.

So my sponsor's directions are this. It's real easy. I'm gonna sit down with my pen and my paper. Right? And I'm a say a little prayer.

God, here I am. I'm getting ready to start on my 4 step, first of which is my resentments. Please help me. And then column 1, I'm gonna list all the things that I'm resentful towards. It's a pretty simple list to make, you know.

I was resentful against my mama, my dad, my brothers, my sister. Now we're not doing this like we read left to right. We're going from top to bottom, and I wanna make that list. There was so is Jeanette. There was a few of those.

Right? And there's a few business partners. There's a few thing and I listed those those things. It's pretty simple so far. Next thing I did, told god thanks.

Right? And then I go up to the top of that list. And beside each name, I get to write a little note to myself why I got that resentment. That's even an easier list because I know I'm pissed off at Debbie. I know I was pissed off at my mama.

So I make a little note, and we don't have on these little sheets of my sponsors that I give out too. There's not a whole heck of a lot of room. Now I've been in treatment centers, I've been with other sponsors, and we write life stories. First 4 step I ever did was like a 103 pages or something. It was it was sad.

I just read that book again. It's called the million little pieces. It's the same damn thing as my 4th step, you know. Same stuff. Who who hasn't woke up on a plane not knowing how they got there and they're all bleeding?

I mean, come on. Right? Stuff happens all the time. Right? So so besides each of those names, I you know, I was mad at my mom because she didn't bail me out this last time.

Make a little note. You know, and I tell my guys, look. If it's something that's really eating your lunch and you feel that you gotta go back to on June 10th, it was a starry night and and write it out in detail. Write it out. But we're gonna go by this template when we do your 5th step.

Right? So we got it. So I write down all that stuff. Now besides the column 1, the column 2, now besides each one of those people, I'm gonna say what is it affect in my life? Did it affect my did what they did to me, did it affect my self esteem, my personal ambitions, my pocketbook, my pride.

There's some fear was some fear involved, and I make a little note. This is the stuff that's owned me for years years years. Now there's also a 4th column, the hidden 4th column because Bill didn't write in the I mean, it's written in the book, but he didn't, you know, detail it. The page wasn't wide enough. I don't think This 33 columns fit great on this page.

The 4th column would have it would have looked stupid, I guess. I don't know, but but you look at some of the stuff that he writes about in this in in the in the four step on these instructions. You know, he's talking about we have to be free of anger. Right? Oh, here we go.

It's playing at a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? How much time did I squander? The reason I always bring up Debbie is not that she really did anything really bad to me because it's kind of a joke at primary purpose because when I was in treatment the last time at home rebound, one of my buddies, Kurt Kurt Kaniewicz, that's all I could talk about in that treatment center was I gotta get Debbie back. I got, you know, and so it just kinda stuck.

I say that say that chick's name. She didn't really do anything to me. I was a bum, man, you know. But it just kinda stuck, you know. But how much time how much time did I squander?

Right? Going back to all those things, those missed opportunities, those missed relationships, those squandered jobs, all those things that I just the life was passing me by. And I'm stuck. I'm like uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. I'm stuck back in the eighties, man.

You know? It's pretty sad. I sponsor a couple of guys. I can quote more from Napoleon Dynamite than they can from the big book, you know. What are you gonna do?

Right? But I love the way he writes, and it says, but with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. He could have said it's bad, but he paints a picture when he writes, and he says this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal because my resentments are gonna kill me. My aunt who's long since passed away, but she was in the in the program.

She always said it was kinda like she goes, John, it's kinda like you're dump we're dump trucks. And every day, we keep piling that stuff in the back of the dump truck and we did, but we never go get rid of it. It was one of these days you're gonna be on 6:35. It's gonna be in the middle of the summer. You ain't got no AC and the dump truck is gonna break down and you're there with a stinking pilot s, you know.

So for when harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. If I'm hating on you and I'm harboring and it's festering in my mind, where's God? It ain't there. The insanity of alcohol returns. We drink again.

With us, the drink is to die. Sounds pretty specific to me. It says we're free to live with the act. We had to be free of anger. Oh my gosh.

Alright. Fast forward. Alright? So I'm gonna get all this stuff down on paper. Right?

I'm gonna do that with my resentment. I'm gonna do the same thing with my fears. What fears do I have? You saw me in treatment in 1998, I would have told you I got no fears. You obviously hadn't been rolling with me because I ain't afraid of nothing.

That's what I would have told you. That's the way I thought I felt. Right? But being honest, in all actuality, I was afraid of everything. See, how do I react when I get afraid?

A lot of times I react in anger. Gotta be tough. Tough. Right? Gotta be brave.

When in actuality, I'm I'm scared little kid, you know. I I was afraid of relationships, afraid of being successful, afraid of not being successful, fear of having money, not having money, fear of staying sober, fear of not staying sober, fear of you, fear of everything. That's that's that's what I was left to my own devices. My sponsor, my 5th step, showed me a nice little trick on fear, and we'll get to that in a minute. Now I'm gonna go do so I'm gonna get all those on paper.

What do they affect? Do all the same stuff. Now I'm gonna do my sex con my sex conduct, And it ain't this ain't a race. This ain't we're not nobody's getting a there's nobody's getting a prize for how many conquest you got. I got I got a friend.

I I won't I won't I won't bust his name. This guy worked on his 4 step, the sex part for like 3 months. Going back, trying to get every name, every and I'm like, you knucklehead. This is not what this is about, you know? This is about how did I treat the people I so called loved?

How did I treat those relationships? And there's some great questions to answer on page 69. It says you you review your own conduct over the years past and here they are. Where were you selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate? Who did you hurt?

Did you unjustifiably arouse you, bitterness, suspicion? You know, I tell my girlfriend at the time that I'm over at Harry's house and we're watching a football game, and then I call, I slip up and I'm call or answer the phone call from her and she can hear the heels dancing on the table. You know? Oh, yeah. I'm in Harry's.

You know? How did I treat these folks? How did I treat these ladies in my life? And that's some pretty tough stuff, And it says, we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. My sponsors told me not to worry about it about that.

He said, you just pray. You just pray. When God's ready for you to trust when he's ready to trust you with one of his his princesses, he'll he'll let you know. Don't you? I don't want you to pray for the right idea.

You'll screw it up. After all, he did get to look at all my force that, you know. That's what I mean, that what I just explained is not hard. I list those relationships. How did I harm them?

Did I harm them? What they do to, you know, what did I think they did to me? You know. But, you know, when talking about who did we hurt, you know, if I was dating if I was dating your daughter, you know, back in the day, not only did I hurt your daughter daughter, I harmed you as well. So why I found all that out when I was doing my 8 step list and making my amends that it wasn't enough just to me to go to the girlfriend and make amends.

I had to go more than likely, she had to, you know, I had to make amends to her parents as well. My sponsor gave me 1 week to complete this 4 step or else, and the or else for him is go away. You ain't done. That sounds pretty harsh. You know.

I mean, I don't know what he would have done if I would have said, and can I have one more day? All I know is I called him every day like I was supposed to call him, and he he let me say what I needed to say. And then he'd say, hey. Where are you at on your 4 step? Well, I'm done with my resentments.

I'm working my my fears. Great. Call me when you're done. Click. My job was to do my job.

Right? He'd tell me where, you know, I'd have to go by our Salvation Army and pick up some guys, get into our meeting, get them back, go home and work on my 4 step. I had a job to do. I had a purpose. I have a purpose in life.

Now Get that 4 step done. The week was up, and I have an appointment to go meet my sponsor and do my 5th step. Again, I'm taking more action. Taking more action. Say my little prayers.

See, God pays attention when I pray, but he really comes alive when he sees me pray and sees me following up with some action. And now I'm gonna go to my sponsor's house and I'm gonna lay out my case to my sponsor. Alright? And I love I wish I had a little more time because I love what Bill, you know, on page 72, how he talks about this and he's talking about this stuff as being obstacles in our path. See, this stuff on my inventory is obstacles between me and God, and I gotta get honest, and I gotta find out the exact nature of my defect.

That's the whole purpose of a fist step. Right? It says the exact nature of our defects. You know. I got all forms of sickness in my life, but I gotta find out the exact nature of my defects.

That's the whole point of a fist step. It's not this I mean, mine wasn't a long drawn out thing. They say that if we don't do this, we don't do this completely or thoroughly or honestly, that we may not overcome drinking. Why? Because because I'm gonna hold on to some of that stuff that I so neatly thought I had avoided, you know.

And that's kinda that's not what that wasn't my intention. Right? But I love this I love in the middle of page 73 because this kinda hits it on the head because this is the way I used to go through alcoholics anonymous. Right? This is the way I would try to be and this is more than and I'll when I when I share this with the guys that I sponsor I use their name.

So I'll just since I know Harry's name I'll pick on Harry. Right? Because when I read this to them, I want them to I want it to and this is the way my spike my sponsor put my name in here. Right? And it says more than most people, Harry leads a double life.

Harry is very actor. To the outer world, Harry presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it. And that is me, the end of the eighties and all the nineties, bouncing in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Not only to my friends in AA, but to my family, to my coworkers, to everything. I wanted you to think that I was doing alright. I was telling you I was doing alright, but deep down in my heart, I'm plotting and planning. It says the inconsistency is made worse by the things Harry does on his sprees coming to his senses. He's revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers.

These memories are a nightmare. He triples to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes his memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. Harry is under constant fear intention.

That makes for more drinking. Welcome to untreated alcoholism, man. That sucks. Alright. And then he goes on the next page or so.

He tells us who we need to have, who we need to pick to hear our fist step. Now you gotta be reminded when they wrote the book there wasn't AA groups in every little town all over the country, all over the world, you know. More than likely your family or whoever is concerned about you rode off to New York, they got sent the book, and here you got the instructions laid out in front of you and they give you some guidelines on on who to hear your fist step. Now we've got sponsors, hopefully, good sponsors everywhere we go, and we got meetings everywhere we go, and who better to hear my fist step than Alright? Right?

And this is an intimate and confidential step. Right? The worst thing I could do as a sponsor is to hear something in the fist step and go share it to you. I don't know if that happened in in my personal life. I've heard through it through the grapevine and stuff.

But if I were to break Harry's confidence on on the on the 5th step, the chances are that Harry would stay sober would be probably pretty slim. The chances that I would stay sober would be pretty slim as well. This is a life This is a life and death errand, and I take this this step seriously. On the top of 75, it tells you exactly when you're supposed to do your fist step. It says when you decide who is to hear your story, you waste no time.

Right? I knew who was gonna hear my fist step, my sponsor. My 4 step was completed. As soon as it was completed, I called and told them it was done. We set up an appointment to do my fist step the next day.

I wasted no time. The next paragraph, the first line, it says it tells you exactly how you do your fist step. It says we pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. And this is where my sponsor turned his book over. We put our arms around each other and he said a prayer, make sure God was with us.

And he said after that prayer, he says, you ready, big boy? And I said, I'm ready. He says, good. And I had my paperwork all out. I'm still kind of shaking and stuff, and then he tricked me.

He said that I had them all in order, man. I was going to end. I was going to finish on a high, you know, And he said, give me the biggest, baddest resentment you got. Give me the biggest one. And of course, it wasn't on my first page.

So I flipped through there and and I found that that was my dad. He said tell me about your dad, and I proceeded to tell him about my dad. My dad left me and my mom when I was 3 and my dad was set with my granddad's business and he screwed all that up and moved away and always told me he was coming to visit me and never show up, always asked me what I wanted for Christmas and never gave it to me, and on and on and on. This little crybaby stuff. Right?

And as I'm telling them, and I could just feel the veins popping out because, I mean, I spent years hating this SOB. I mean, hating them. And so much of the fact that I would have nothing to do with the rest of his family after I got old enough to know better, you know. You know, and I guess the coup de grace was he was going to give me, you know, like $25 when I started college and that cashier's check never showed up, and I just it just ate me up to no end, and I'm getting it all out. And I mean, my sponsor is asking me questions, and I learned another trick that day.

This ain't like court. What I what I say can and will be used against me because my sponsor let me get it all out, man, and he's asking me questions. And as soon as I was done, you know, what did it affect? It affected everything across the board personal ambition, self esteem, you name it, across the board. Right?

Poor pitiful me, that guy's SOB, and my sponsor proceeded to take everything I just told him and reverse the whip and put it all back on my plate. And, you know, and the sad sad truth is is my dad's a child of God just like I am. My dad's an alcoholic. My sponsor asked me he says, well, John, you're an alcoholic too. He goes, did you have you ever made some bad decisions?

And I said, well yeah. He goes, so why your dad can't make bad decisions? Well, you know, and then I just immediately I was just backpedaling all the way home, you know. And the truth of the matter was is is I had all these expectations on the old man and he's an alcoholic just like I am. Hell, I turned out to be just like my dad, you know?

An alcoholic womanizer that no one could depend on, you know? I mean, I was being like dad, you know? And the truth of the matter is, you know what? Given the tools he's got, he was doing the very best that he could do. And it's my job to love him, and I had no right to lie to him, to cheat him, to con him, to manipulate him, to not go to see his family.

Those those people did nothing but love me, and I treated them poorly. And then that was a kick in the you know what to have to have all that come out, and that was a humbling experience because I was for sure that I was gonna get get my way on that one. And hell, I think, you know, after that one, all those all the wind was out of my sails. You know, I'm looking at the rest I'm looking at the rest of my force step and it just like hit me like a ton of bricks, you know. It's like and and it kind of hit me the night before because I heard this lady speak in our group and if you heard her story, you know, because I'm thinking she's telling her story.

Right? And and she is a walking, talking miracle like the rest of us, and and she's telling how how she grew up and everything and the the abuse, the sexual abuse, the torture that this lady went through as a child. And it's the day before my fist step. Right? And I'm thinking, yeah, what's her part?

Right? And then she slays me with it at the end of her talk and I'm like, I'll be damned, you know. So, you know, my fist my force up was nothing. You know, I saw the ugly truth and the ugly truth is left to my own devices. John Kelly is an extremely self centered, egotistical SOB who will do absolutely anything to get my way.

And if I gotta be real real nice to get my way, I can do that. And if that don't work, f you. And look at all the damage. Look at all the people that I damaged running my that's me running the show. That's my fist step.

And then we got to my fears and he had me just list read off my fears. We didn't even read all the rest of the comedies. He just list all your fears and I'll listen and listen and listen and listen. And he said go back to page 68. Said okay.

Says we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we were angry. I've heard a lot of things been said in the fellowship about fears and all this stuff, but the answer is the very next sentence. Wasn't it because self reliance failed us?

Why did I get into fear? Because self couldn't fix it. You know, when the money's all good and the relationships all good and the cars running and the puppy's healthy, I'm not in too much fear. But when my little comfort zone starts to get threatened upon, right, and all the outcomes look like they suck, I start getting into fear. And it says the answer is the answer is to trust God.

And my sponsor asked me, hey, knucklehead, you're supposed to be relying upon God now. And I said, right. And he says, God is either everything is is either everything or he's nothing. Right? And I said, right.

He says, great. So if you're relying on God, what the hell do you have to fear? As another one of those, like, well, I've gotta go home now, you know. Okay. I don't got nothing to fear, you know.

Now I wish I I wish I could sit up here from the podium be all high and high and say I ain't gotten in I haven't had fear in 6 and a half years. Wrong answer. Wrong answer. I have fear all the time. But it doesn't consume me.

I have a prayer. I ask God to remove the the fear and ask him to what direct me to what he would have me be. I I get off my butt and go see where I can be of service. See where I can help. And once I commenced outgrow fear, there's a promise.

And how did I treat those ladies in my life? Treated them poorly. Treated them like Kleenex. They were there for what I wanted or whatever. And if I had to tell them I love them, I love them.

And if I was done, I was done. And I made a lot of mistakes and I did some bad things and basically, I treated God's princesses like crap. And he asked me, he said, do you think God wants you to be treated that way? I said, well, no. He says, well, look what you're doing to his princess.

You know, that's a humbling experience to have all that served up to you in one little afternoon. Some stuff. The bottom of that you may look at these promises. Well, I'm gonna read the bottom. It says returning home you find a place where you can be quiet for an hour.

So my sponsor sends me out to go home. Be quiet for an hour. I got a couple of prayers. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. Then we take the book down look at the first five step.

Here's another prayer. We ask if we have omitted anything for we're building an arch to which we shall walk a free man at last. I had another book that's got covered as well, but that's the book that my sponsor gave me that I got sober with. And I still it's it's marked. I mean, like like it got unmarked, but I'm I'm sitting there for that hour.

Right? And I'm quiet. And I'm humbled, but I feel I'm feeling pretty good, you know, but it's it's a, you know, and I'm looking over this up and I'm looking over that 4 step and I get to that second prayer, we ask if we have omitted anything. And omit and forget are 2 different things. Hell, I forgot most of the nineties.

I was blackout drunk everyday, you know. Omit is for me to know something and leave it out on purpose. And I circled that day the word free. And I kept every time I would read that, look my eyes would catch the page, I hit that word free. And I got to think it because there was a couple of things that I omitted.

And, I kept going back to free. And I reflected upon all the times, all chips, all those times in and out of alcohol synonymous and there was one thing that I never ever was was free. Even when I had 30 days or 60 days, booze owned me because I was thinking about not drinking. I was never ever free, and the program promises me that I'm gonna get free. I tried to blow it off.

I tried and I kept coming back to free and then I started thinking, God dang it. I don't want to die drunk. I called them I learned another trick that sponsors do that day. I called them and I said, Cliff, this is John and he says I've been expecting your call and I'm thinking, God this guy is such a genius. He is like in tune in tune with God.

He knows that trouble and he's there by the phone. And so I told him what I omitted and he laughed at me. You know, one of the things I did as I I I drank rubbing alcohol and not on just one occasion. You know? And he starts laughing at it.

But that's one of those things that I was gonna take. That was I was so shameful about that that it just if I thought about it back in the day, it just because it was a bad time it was a bad time in my life, and it was just one of those things I would have brushed on, you know, but we laughed about it. I started my hour over, and we and we moved on. But you look at these 5 step promises. It says once we have taken this step withholding nothing, we are delighted.

We can look the world, we can look the world in the eye, and I had to think about it. I went through all my life looking at the tops of my shoes. Trying to get a job, trying to get a girlfriend, trying to have friends or whatever. Not being able to look anybody in the eye. Kind of shifty, shady, sketchy.

Alright? Because I my whole life was built on a just a pack of lies. And at any moment somebody could pull the bottom card and the whole house would come tumbling down. I couldn't look the world in the eye. Now it says I can't.

I got nothing to hide. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. My god, even when I was a bottom of the barrel chronic drunk, I could never sit still. You know why? Because I hated me.

I hated being in my own skin. Now, I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. I can just chill. I've gotten real good at that too. Some might call it laziness.

I call it being alone at perfect peace and ease, you know. Sounds a lot better, you know. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink I kinda cracked myself up on that one too, man. Says we feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe.

I got a purpose, and I flipped the page. 1212 says step 6 separates the men from the boys. Clarence Snyder says step 6 separates the men from the boy. Only one little paragraph. If we can answer to our satisfaction, we look at step 6.