The Eastside Group in Fort Worth, TX

Becky what you talked to that Debbie. No. She's not around. Long gone. If anybody knows her I need to make an amends.

Wow. Thank you Walter for that introduction. I'll probably lay a dud here tonight, you know. My name is John Kelly. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic.

That's right. And my sobriety date is September 4, 1999 and for that I am very very grateful. And, you know, I'm not just one of these dudes that walk around going, oh, I got me a little job today. I'm, you know, God is so good. You know, I got me a car today.

Look what God's doing for me. I got me a girlfriend today. Look what God's doing for me. God don't want to hear that from me. He wants to see me in action.

So what better way for me to thank the God of my understanding, then I get off my rear end and take this message to somebody who was dying just like I was. That's how I show God I'm grateful, because for without this I would not be here tonight. That's for sure. We're doing the steps. I spent all last week in case you missed it last week, I spent all last week dwelling on the hopelessness of the situation.

The hopelessness of the situation, that's what the big book tells me. If I'm a sponsor, it tells me, you know, pages 92 through 96, it tells me exactly it lays it out how I'm supposed to take people through the steps, What I'm supposed to talk about, when I'm supposed to talk about it. And you notice when I dwelled on the hopelessness of the situation, I didn't offer you an inkling of what the solution was. Right? And that's what I'm supposed to do with the sponsor, right?

And, you know, if you if you look at the history of it, you know, Bill got sober and and and he was like for like for five and a half months, he was going around the Bowery's in New York City, going up to every drunk he knew, tell him about his hot flash experience in town's hospital. Right? Can you imagine him sitting down? He's sober. He's got the little twinkle in his eye and he's sitting down with a with a drunk, right, and he's telling them, wow, and he tells about this hot flash.

Right? And not a one of them stayed sober and legend has it that he was at home kind of frustrated talking to Lois and she's like, you know, like you dope. You're sober, you know. So then he goes back to Silkworth and talks to Silkworth and Silkworth says, hey man, you're putting the cart before the horse. Lay out the hopelessness of the situation.

Lay out this allergy to alcohol. Give them the scientific facts about alcoholism, then if they identify with you and they ask you how you stay sober, then you can lay out the solution, but not before. Alright, so that's my girlfriend says I do a pretty good job dwelling on the hopelessness of the situation. So what did I learn last week? I learned, you know, I learned in step 1 that I'm screwed.

That's the short that's the short form of step 1. I'm screwed, you know. But who better to explain that to me was was someone who was at one time dying just like I was and he has recovered and been given the power to help me. He is properly armed with the facts about himself. Right?

He's been where I was at and he knows the way out, and so he painted that picture for me that first night, September 4th, 1999. That wasn't my first night in AA, that was like my 37th or 38th desire chip that night. Been trying I was trying to get sober since 1988, been the 100 and 100 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, listened to all the stories, you know, but that man that night disturbed me greatly on the problem of alcoholism and he did it in masterful. I mean it was like in just a couple of minutes as near as I can remember. I was in pretty bad shape that night.

He kind of painted me into a corner a corner and he he shared with me some of his experiences. He asked me some questions about mine. He talked about the allergy, that loss of control, that once I start drinking I am powerless to control how much I drink. It doesn't matter what my intentions are. My intentions were that I was going to drink like a normal person.

Now that's a that's a crazy thought in itself since I never have any experience drinking like a normal person, but you know, I spent years years trying to drink thinking I was going to drink like a normal person. Once I start I cannot control how much I drink, and that's some bad news. Right? But that's not the bad news of step 1. The bad news of step 1 is that my life has become unmanageable.

The bad news of step 1 is that left to my own devices, on my own power, I am unable to manage the decision to stay away from the very first drink. Can't do it. Tried. Tried every trick, tried every self help. You should see the my you should see my library at home and I got everything.

And I I can hook you up if you want to try some of that Tony Robbins, Tai Chi, you know, I can I can show it's just in case you haven't tried Tai Chi, it's it's hard to do when you're hungover to get in those 44 positions, you know? It's hard. And so he painted me into a corner and he asked me the question, am I a real alcoholic? If you look on page 44, if you have a big book, actually there's a little test that says if when you honestly want to you find you cannot quit entirely. Well, I quit 100 of times.

I desperately didn't want to end up the places that I was ending up. I quit, but I couldn't stay quit. So I failed that one. Or it says or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take. Well, once I started it's damn near impossible for me to stop.

And at the end of the time, at the end of my drinking career, the only time I did stop is when I winded up in jail or in the hospital. That's how I stopped, you know. It says, you're probably an alcoholic. If that's the case, you're suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. Now there may be some people in this room going, you know, I've been around in AA and I think it sucks and I don't believe in this spiritual experience crap.

Really? Well remember back when you were drinking when you were having one of those bad days? I mean, the bad days were like the the job's not working out, the relationship's not working out, the family stuff's not working out, the kids are screaming, your puppy's sick, the car don't start, you gotta catch the dart bus, the dart bus sucks, nobody loves you. Remember having one of those days? How'd you feel when you took a couple of drinks?

Changed the way I thought and felt, didn't it? Didn't fix any of my problems, but I had a psychic change. Alright? So now we know one exists. We know it exists.

Alright? And it says later on it says to be doomed to an alcoholic death or live life on a spiritual basis are not easy alternatives to face. So there I was, I was going to drink myself to death or have this experience. Those are my two choices. That's where I was at, you know.

And I love page 45 in the big book. Now Now you'll have to pardon me, I can sit up here and I'm not like some of these speakers that go around and and pontificate on my great wisdom, on my great insight on the steps. Alright? My sponsor is pretty cut and dry. He says read the damn book, you can't screw it up.

So if you have a problem with what I say, contact the author, you know, because I'm coming straight out of this book, right? But I love what it says at the end of the first paragraph on 45 it says, our human resources as marshaled by the will were not sufficient. They failed utterly, that means each and every time me trying to fix the situation fails utterly. Always happens. I always drink.

So now they give us a a real lightning bolt here, it says lack of power that's our dilemma. Step 1 says we're powerless, That's my dilemma. Lack of power. I ain't got no power on this, and it says we had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves. So let's break that down.

Maybe sitting there thinking that I don't believe in this higher power, I don't believe in this stuff. Well, let's put it to let me put it to you this way. How about booze? Was that a power greater than you? Did booze get you to do some things you never dreamed you'd do?

End up with people you never dreamed you'd end up with? End up in Did anybody ever wake up in a different town or a different state thinking, where in the heck am I? You know, I read that book, A 1000000 Little Pieces, you know, the opening page, the opening. Anybody's read it, you know, the guy wakes up on an airplane, comes to and he's bleeding and stuff, and I'm thinking who hadn't done that? You know.

So now we know that there is a power greater than me. Booze was a power greater than me. Some people say, hey, hit a cop. You'll find out a power greater than you, you know. But now it says it says we had to find a power by which we could live.

So we already know booze is a power greater than me, but it says I had to find a power by which I could live. Could I live by booze anymore? No, booze is killing me. So I know a power exists and it ain't booze. Alright, so I gotta find another power.

And it says and it had to be a power greater than ourselves, so I gotta find another power and it ain't me. I'm not the power. I can't fix the situation. It says obviously, but where and how are we going to find this power? That's what this book is about.

Its main object is to enable us to find a power greater than ourselves that will solve our problem. Why do you think they wrote the book? Why do you think there's 12 steps lead us somewhere? Steps lead us from one point to another point, right? I'm powerless over here in step 1, I'm going to take these steps that are guaranteed to get me to the power.

I said a guarantee last week and I I'm going to show it to you this week. There's a couple of them in here, but that's why they wrote the book. The steps, the precise instructions in this book tell us how to get to the power that's going to save our lives. Now we got to get to the power. Right?

And they talk about That's why they It goes on the rest of this page, they talk about why they wrote this book. Right? It's to give us instructions and I love I love this part. You know, don't be a dope like me. The first time I first time I got my first big book and I started thumbing through the chapters and stuff, because I like to read a lot.

I got to we agnostics and I thought, well, I'm not agnostic and I just blew right through it, you know. I didn't read it, you know. Don't do that. But what they're going to talk about in this chapter is, you know, there's lots of stuff that block us from this power. There's lots of stuff that blocked me from getting sober all those years.

I had prejudices, you know. I had fixed ideas of what I thought AA was, what I thought higher power was, what I thought God was, what I thought this book was about, what I thought the program was about. I had all sorts of ideas and prejudices. And Bill goes to great length in this chapter to talk about why is it that we've done so much in this last century when it took all those many many centuries to get us to that point where we are we that much smarter? No.

I mean think about Columbus, you know, but he sailed sailed east to go west, or sailed west to go east. Alright? You know there were some suckers back in in Italy when when Portugal or wherever he took off from, you know they were sitting there on the beach going, as soon as that s o b gets across the horizon he's off the edge of the earth, you know. They had prejudices, right? I had lots of prejudices blocking me, but I was convinced on that first night back in AA in in 99, I knew the seriousness of the situation.

My sponsor told me I was screwed. Alright? And then he asked me another question. He says, do you believe that it works for me? And I can remember looking him right in the eye and his little eyes sparkle and stuff, and I knew it worked for him.

I heard his story several times before. This was a bottom of the barrel drunk and something worked in his life. And he says, does it work for the rest of those people out there in that meeting? And I'm like, well, yeah. I know it works.

He says, well then what the hell do you have to lose? Except your life. And that's when he informed me that he was going to be my become my sponsor. And I was supposed to call him at 8 o'clock every morning. He was gonna tell me where to be, what to read, and where to show up to.

And it was my job to to follow his lead. If I want what he's got, I gotta do what he does. Right? He gave me some instructions that first night. He told me when I got home that night, we didn't talk about God that first night, we didn't talk about higher power or anything like that.

He told me when I got home to look up at my ceiling and say thanks, and and you know, tell my ceiling if I had to, thanks, that I have another another shot. Thanks that I met a big book dumper who is awake. Thank you God for giving me another shot. He said, you'll sleep like a baby. And I doubted that very seriously.

I got home that night and I had to call my sainted mother, you know, and I called her on my little cell phone. And and I I don't know if I told y'all this story last night, but I'll tell it again. And you know, my mom, like we do, you know, I put my family through all sorts of stuff. They hit their all time loads as a direct result of me and my actions and my alcoholism, and they don't even drink. And she's heard every con, every lie in the book, and she knew I was going to that meeting that night, and she knew I was supposed to meet my other spot, my older sponsor.

And, I called her and she says, did you go to the meeting? I said, yes ma'am, I did. And she goes, was Matthew there? And I said, no, he wasn't. And you could just hear her little voice sync on the phone.

And I said, well, his wife is having a baby tonight so he couldn't be there, but I got another sponsor. And she said, who is that? And I said, Cliff Bishop, and she started crying. And I said, well, why are you crying? And she says, because I've been praying.

And I said, well, I'm scared of the old man. And he told me to read some stuff and and and I need to say a prayer and and I I just gotta follow his directions. Alright. Now look what it says here and I follow those directions, right? Right in the middle of page 46, because this is a huge promise, right in the middle of page it says, we found that as soon as we're able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe and a power greater than ourselves, here's the promise, we commence to get results even though it's impossible for us to fully define or comprehend that power, which is god.

It's a whole mouthful. I didn't read that that night. I came across this a few days later or a few weeks later, but that night after I said that prayer and talk to my mom and all that stuff, and I laid down on my little sofa that I that's the only piece of furniture hiding that house, I knew one thing and I remember this is clear as day. That first night back in AA, desired trip number 38 or whatever it was. I knew one thing, it crowded out all other thoughts.

I don't ever have to have another drink ever. Didn't know how that was gonna work, but I had that feeling, you know. Seems like I laid aside prejudice and expressed even a willingness to believe that what worked for him could work for me. I had no more bargaining chips. I had nothing else to to no more plan b's.

You know, I was convinced for all those years that if I just got the right job, the right car, the right girl, that everything would be okay. I just got the heat off my back it would be okay. And I'm one of these that, you know, if you read on the on the bottom of 47, I like this, it says besides the seeming inability to accept much on faith we found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice. Many of us have been so touchy that even casual reference to spirit spiritual things made us bristle with antagonism. Oh, man, I used to go to those means and I hear people talking about spiritual this, spiritual that, and it was like somebody with their hands on the chalkboard.

You know why? Because I figured, you know, I've done so much crap in my life, and I told so many lies, and I've hurt so many people, that there's no way for me to get out from under. That's prejudice. Says this sort of thinking had to be abandoned. Though some of us resisted, we found no great difficulty in casting aside such feelings.

You wanna know why? Read on. It says, faced with alcoholic destruction we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we tried to be on other questions. In this respect, alcohol was a great persuader. It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness.

I'm one of those knuckleheads. I had to go to the bitter end. You know, I had to I had to have alcohol beat my brains in before I was willing to accept your help. Because I always had a plan. Always.

You know, and for years years, my plans work to some extent. But as alcoholism took its toll, my plans quit working and I kept trying. You know? It's all I gotta know for step 2. I just gotta hope, you know.

I'm gonna backtrack a little bit. If you go back to page 25, it says there is a solution and I'll skip on a couple lines and it says, but we saw that it really worked in others. There is a solution, it works for you. Whatever I'm trying ain't working, and it says that we've come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we've been living it. When therefore we approach by those with whom the problem had been solved, there's nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.

That's some pretty cool stuff. It's pretty easy. Now we're gonna flip on, I mean, there's some great stuff in here. A guy pointed out to me a long time ago, he goes, you probably know what the solution is already, but you just are too bone headed to believe it, and he walked away. I didn't really get that at that time and he didn't explain the deep spiritual significance of what he just said and I kinda left it at that.

But if you read on into We Agnostics on page 55, the second paragraph, it says, actually we were fooling ourselves for deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental idea of God. And if you don't like me talking about God, I'll talk about higher power. They're saying that every one of us has this fundamental idea. So let's take a test. Let's I love tests.

Y'all know that from last week. I love tests. So everybody think of a situation in your life where you screwed up. I mean screwed up. You got caught stealing from work, you got caught with the flash the the the cops are behind you and you got a trunk load of outside issues or you were cheating on your little relationship or whatever it is, right?

You look over at your corner court appointed attorney looking at that dipshit and thinking he ain't going to get me out, you know. We've been in those situations to some extent, right? Did anybody in this room ever kind of just do a little time out in your mind and say, if you will get me out of this, I swear I will never do this again, right? Anybody ever do that? Who were you talking to?

Ah, I gotcha. Oh, I'll get you on this one too. More importantly, who taught you how to do that? Nobody my momma didn't pull me aside when I was 5 years old and says, hey, when s hits the fan, look up and say, if you give me out Nobody told me that. I instinctively knew.

Why did I know that? Because I was desperate. They weren't gonna get me out of it. They weren't gonna get me out of it. I sure as heck wasn't going to get me out of it.

My back was against the wall, I had nothing else to turn to, so I pleaded to the emptiness of the air, Please get me out of this and I'll never do it again. Most of the time that worked. I got out of it to some extent in some cases. Did I hold up my end of the bargain? No.

Why? Because the heat was off. As soon as the heat's off, I go back doing what I always do. Right? Alcohol beat me into a state of And it says we found the great reality deep down within us.

I searched out there all over the country and all over the Caribbean. I looked for something out there to fix what was wrong in here. More jobs, more cars, more girls, more money, more this, more that. You should see how much how many Nikes I have. I got every freaking pair.

Why? Because they make me feel good, you know. I searched out there and he's saying I'm gonna find the power in here. It says we can only clear the ground a bit if our testimony helps sweep away prejudice. They mentioned the word prejudice over and over and over in this chapter.

Enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then if you wish you can join us on the broad highway. Now here's the guarantee. Says with this attitude you cannot fail. Sounds like a guarantee. Hey, look.

There ain't no treatment center on this planet offering a guarantee. Hey, come to Betty Ford. We'll cure you. They ain't offering that. They're telling me if I go here with no prejudice, go here with an open mind, I cannot fail.

Sounds like a guarantee to me. And I'd go out I'd go as far to say you can bet your life on that. I did. It seems to work. I love reading how it works.

So I've come to 2 conclusions at this point. I'm screwed and I hope. Says now we're at the turning point. Right? And it says tells us in how it works.

Walter just read it says, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Right? You look at the statistics from old timey AA, they were doing at least 50% for years years years. There's groups today still doing 90 doctor Bob's group today still meets 1 night a week. They still do 90% or better.

Why? Because they are good sponsors. They qualify them. If you ain't willing to do the work, go away. Don't waste our time.

Alright? They're 90% successful. All the guys that I've sponsored, all the guys who are thoroughly following the path, guess what? They're sober today. The guys who didn't thoroughly follow the path, all bets are off.

So it's still a pretty true statement. Then it tells us who's not gonna get it. Those who do not recover, people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. Cannots and will nots. I know a heck of a lot of will nots.

Know a ton of those. I was a will not for years. Would not see your way of life. Would not get a sponsor. Would not read the book.

Would not follow directions. Would not. Cannot to those people, I don't know, go to Terrell, go to Souls Harbor. You know? Men and women look just like us, went to the bottle that one last time, and they ain't ever coming back.

Never ever. You know? And it says, constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. And the preface it says that inside this book, this is a textbook. In the 4th to the 1st edition it says there's precise instructions on how to recover.

If I'm convinced of step 1, a 100%, and I hope it works in step 2, and I've got a prescription for a miracle right here at the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, today, if I'm being honest with myself, I will do absolutely anything to follow these principles to the best of my ability. That's being honest with myself. I wake up tomorrow and I choose not to pray, and I choose not to call my sponsor, and I choose not to help another junk, and I choose to run the show myself, guess what? I ain't being very honest with myself and the clock starts ticking. And with a hopeless chronic relapser like me, the clock don't have to take very long before I pick up a drink.

It says our story is disclosed in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we're like now. That's how you tell your story. Alright. Bill's story is a great example of how you tell your story. Here's a little condition here for taking a step.

It says if you decided you want what we have, right, I want what you got. I was never willing because there's the next part And you're willing to go to any length to get it. Theirs always got me for those years. Oh, I wonder what you got. I ain't willing to do anything about it.

I just try to get it by osmosis. I'll just come to a bunch of meetings. I'll just go to meeting after meeting. I'll be a meeting maker. They say meeting makers make it.

Alright? So there's a condition. If you want what we got and you're willing to go to any link to get it, then you're ready to take the steps. Right? I'm not gonna read that whole part, but I like that I like that part.

Says half measures avail us where it says we stand at the turning point. Right? We stood at the turning point. And here's the mother of all prayers. We ask this protection and care with complete abandon.

The mother of all prayers. I don't know how it's gonna work. I just hope it works. Please help me. I'm at the turning point.

What am I gonna do? Am I gonna do what I always did? Be a little meeting maker? Hang on for dear life, I'm just glad to be sober today, you know. Be miserable or am I gonna follow these directions?

Alright. A b c's gives you a short recap of steps 1 and 2 that we're alcoholic and could not manage our own lives. Check. B, that no human power could relieve my alcoholism, my mom couldn't fix it. The judge couldn't, you know, I mean I know you guys aren't I mean I speak in a lot of treatment centers and stuff, so I always ask them, how many of y'all have given you a dirty UA?

And all these hands go up and say, well hell, the judge couldn't keep you sober either. No human power could keep me away from the bottle. And it says that God could and would if he were sought. If you're sought in something that means you're taking some actions, right? You're looking.

Right? And it says being convinced of those, we're now at step 3. Two conclusions and now I'm at step 3. It's not rocket science we're performing here folks. So which is that we decide to turn our will in our life over to care God as we understood them.

Got the little steps on the wall there, I used to think it was like a 1st cafeteria, step 1, yeah I'm an alcoholic, step 2, sure I believe in God, except God you can have my will in my life, right? If I knew how to turn my will in my life over to the care of this God, I would have done that years years ago. I have no idea how to do that. That's why they're going to explain to us how to do that. That's what the steps are for.

The steps are in place to get us to turn our will and our life over to this guy. Right? And he talks about being he says he says the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be a success. My life was no success running it on my own. I lost every job I had, lost every friend I ever had, pissed off every family member I had, did things I knew I shouldn't, ended up places I knew I'd never be in my right mind.

My life was not successful. So Bill goes on to use an analogy. He says that an alcoholic is like an actor who wants to direct the movie. Right? He says, I'm like a little actor who's got one line in a movie and I show up the 1st day of shooting, right, and I start telling Martin Scorsese how to do the lights, the scenery, the ballet, the caterers, right?

You see I'm convinced if my mama would do this, and get off my back and and this girlfriend would do this and get off my back and the boss would ease up on me and I can get the heat off me, I'm convinced if I can get all these things put in place in my life, I would be very very happy and so would you. Well, that's pretty arrogant, don't you think? You don't need me bossing you around. Finally, see, in order for me to get my way to get you to do whatever I want, I can be very very nice to you. I can pay you a compliment, flash you a little smile.

I can do that. And if that don't work, f you. I'm gonna get what I need to get. Why? Because I'm convinced if I get these things that I'm going to be okay.

Well in trying to make these arrangements, I piss you off. You don't need me bossing you around all the time. Now you're going to retaliate against me, now I hate you. See how simple that is? That's me running the show.

I am very very self centered left to my own though, I'm self centered now. That's me running the show. That's what he's saying to us little alcoholics are. We're self will run riot. The bottom of page 61 he calls us egocentric.

It's kind of flowery word. If you flip to page 62, he just cuts right to the chase. He says selfishness, self centeredness, that is the root of our troubles. What do you say? I thought alcohol was the root of my troubles.

No, no, no, Alcohol is a symptom. My problems go a little bit deeper than the bottle of booze. Well, let's see if that's true. I'm going to hold my finger on that page. I'm going to flip back to page 52 right in the middle of the page.

Stone cold sober back in the day, left them on devices. Here's what I feel like. I'm having trouble with my personal relationships. And y'all have some of those? It says I can't control my emotional natures.

Now that doesn't mean I cry when I see a little Easter bunny and stuff. How do I react when it don't go my way? I get pissed. I'm happy 1 minute, and I'm yelling at you the next. Right?

Can't control my emotional natures. Because I'm a prey to misery and depression. Poor me. Why does my mama love my sister more than she loves me? I don't have a good job.

I got a record now. I don't have a car. I gotta catch the dart bus. The dart bus sucks. Pray to misery and depression.

Couldn't make a living. Had a feeling of uselessness, full of fear, unhappy, stone cold, sober. Spirituality. That's me left to my own devices. Untreated alcoholism right there.

Selfishness, self centered. There ain't nothing I just read on page 52 that's not selfish. Any of you guys go to treatment centers and carry the message that you see those little things on the wall says, on the beam, off the beam. I challenge you to find one of those things that are off the beam that ain't selfish. They're all selfish.

Selfishness, self centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, self pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Fear is selfish. Think of the last time you had a bunch of fear heaped on you, Right? Maybe it was about the job or the relationship or somebody sick, or maybe not somebody sick, but the job, something personal.

Right? What were you thinking about? You. I was thinking about me. I make horrible decisions based on fear.

Thought my way, way back in the day thought this one girlfriend was cheating on me, right? Just knew it, knew it in my heart. It just tore me up, just knew she was cheating on me. Me. So I went out with her best friend.

Bad decision based on fear because she wasn't cheating on me. She retaliated. Bad decision based on self seeking. Oh, I may do you a favor but it ain't really a favor. I'm doing you a favor because maybe you'll think you'll I think you'll like me better.

Or I may do you a favor but I'm gonna hold that favor that I do for you in escrow, to be collected at a later date. Self seeking, self pity, poor me. Next paragraph he says, so are troubles we think are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example, self will run right though he usually doesn't think so. I didn't think so.

Oh, there's chaos in my wake and I'm like the guy who were coming up after the tornado, look it ain't blowing, it's great, you know, it's crazy. It says now I don't know about you all, I'm sure you all don't say that at this group but I have all those 100 and 100 of AA meetings all over the place. They used to always tell me that there ain't no must in the big book. I'm going to read you 2 must followed by a promise that'll kill you. So if anybody ever throws that at you tell them to read the damn book.

There's 67 of them in here. Here. Alright. But it says above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us. There's too much followed by a problem.

You got to get rid of this selfishness, but guess what, I can't fix my selfishness. I can't do that. That's like throwing more me at the problem. I can't fix it. I gotta have God's help, and they're gonna go on to explain that.

Right? God's gonna be my director. I'm just the actor. Right? God's going to be the father.

I'm just the kid. The kid gets his instructions for his father. God's the principal. I'm the agent. The agent works for the principal.

Right, follows their lead. Some pretty good concepts of a higher power right there. This is a pretty cool stuff. In the middle of page 63, we got the 3rd step prayer. And it says it's it's very very simple.

It says, God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as that will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, thy way of life, may I do thy will always, exclamation point. So that's the 3rd step prayer. Pretty simple. So I'm a few days sober and I go over to my sponsor's house and he'd give me stuff to read and we sat down in his offices at his house and we went over in detail doctor's opinion and all that stuff again.

And we went over and we talked about this this higher power concept, this God thing. Do I got a problem? Do I got God stuck sideways in my crawl? Do I got anything that might be blocking me? So we talked about all that.

We read up to page 62 and we talked about all that. And he says you ready to do the 3rd step prayer? And I said I'm ready to do anything. And he said well we'll see about that. And we said come on get your big book.

And we went, got my big book and we went into another part of his house and we got, he said we're going to his prayer bench and looked like a little coffee table to me but I didn't dare say anything to him. And, we got down on our knees and we opened our book to this page and just like I'd done it in previous attempts we got on our knees and we opened the book to page 63 and we're getting ready to do a third step prayer. And I've done it before, say hey Waltz, step 1, yeah, step 2, yeah, step 3, say the prayer, go get drunk. You know, pretty simple. This guy is leading me on and I mean lead me to this point, you know, and and I believed in what he said, you know, And I was willing to do whatever he said.

And so we open the book to this page and we get on our knees, we put our arms around each other, and I'm still I still kind of got the shakes because I'm a few days still off from my last drink. And I'm still kind of shaking a little bit and we bowed our heads and he says, before you do your 3rd step prayer I'm going to say a little something to God, make sure God's with us and then you can do your prayer. I said, alright. So I got my arms around him and the old man starts to pray. I have no earthly idea what he said because in my head I'm praying like my life depends on it.

And I guess there was an uncomfortable pause when, you know, I stopped praying and I'm sitting there like a dope still praying in my head, and finally he nudges me and he says, I need to hear what you're saying to God. And this is my 3rd step prayer. This is what I said. And I said, dear God, I've tried to get sober since 1988, and I'm scared, and I don't want to die drunk. I need your help.

Please give me the willingness to do whatever I got to do to get what's in this book, amen. And Clifford said, stand up. I thought I screwed up, and I stood up and he gave me a hug and he says, you just did the 3rd step prayer. See I followed directions, I've voiced it without any reservation. I had no more lurking notions.

It was either this is going to work or I was going to drink. No more bargaining chips. They call it ego deflation. You know From the bottom of my heart, I asked a supreme being for help and I meant it. You look at the top of page 63, and this is some cool, cool stuff.

It says, when we sincerely took such a position all sorts of remarkable things followed. The promise. Says we have a new employer. Being all powerful he provided what we needed if we kept close to him and performed his work well. And the old man said underlying that sentence.

He goes, there's your job description till the day you die. What's my job description? My job is to stay close to God and perform his work well. What does the book say that God's going to provide me? Everything I need.

He says John, if God's providing you everything you need, what else do you need? Nothing. He says great, this is pretty simple, ain't it? Yeah, I've since added a little on to that. I don't want to rewrite the big book.

This is what I tell my guys today. My job today is to stay close to God and perform His work well today no matter what. That's my job. That's my job. I got a purpose and to stay close to God and do this work no matter what happens.

If I do that, God provides me with everything I need and if God's given me everything I need I don't need anything else. I want a hell of a lot of things. I want so many things. You know. I want a fast car so I can get to the meetings faster, you know, I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know. I want a lot of things, you know. But, I got everything I need today. Everything I need. If you saw my bank account you think you're you're nuts.

My bank account is looking pretty slim today. But I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that I have everything that I need today. You know I spent years years years trying to get out from where I was right at this moment trying to get somewhere else. And I can be right here right now perfect peace and ease. I'm cool.