The Miami Valley Winter Conference in Dayton, OH

Hi, everyone. My name's Cindy. Hi, Cindy. And I am a grateful member of the Al Anon Family Groups. And, I love alcoholics.

That's bottom line. I do love alcoholics. Drinking or sober, I love alcoholics, and they helped get me here. And I wanna thank Judy for asking us. This has been, it's always a gift to get to go anywhere with my family today and to come to my family with my family.

You know? And that's the way I look at it. I'm just going to visit family with family in a whole different way than I was raised with. That's for sure. And, you're the family that helps keep me sane, not, you know, and that wasn't the way it was growing up in my home.

It's hard when you're the last one in the family to share the story because I'm now I feel like my job is to try to fill in the gaps. Half my story has been told, if not 3, 4. And that's okay. You know, John really said it when, you know, this is representing what Family Recovery is, good, bad, or otherwise. You know, the message, hopefully, is that we can come the distance and be a family today and carry some kind of message that this thing does work as long as you stay put and don't run.

And, thank goodness for the sponsorship we've been given because running is not an option when things are getting rough. You know. And I can mentally run and I do a lot of times. I go in that dark hole inside my head where Iim just sitting on the kitchen floor rocking, you know, back and forth, and they could just put me away any minute. You know?

And I I've had those kind of surrenders that have brought me to that place. I've had to get one more time just totally honest with a sponsor home group and, and just, get humbled enough to keep asking for help and for my god to keep walking me through the things I need to walk through and get closer to him. And that's the bottom line of what this is all about anyway is getting that higher power in our life. And I'm like, John, I don't hear it. God has never spoke through the ceiling to me.

I used to speak up at him and say, how about dropping a money tree in my apartment right about now would be good? And it never happened. So, you know, stuff like that led me to believe there just wasn't any hope. And I didn't do the things they told me to do in that, religion that I was raised in. I had a lot of mixed messages growing up.

I had, my dad was a drunk, My mother who went through the Mormon religion married a drunk. The guilt of that figured she excommunicated herself. They didn't have to do that for her, boy. You just don't, you know, how to smoke cigarettes and, you know she was, at the same time, wanting her kids to have that. And she tried real hard with all 3 of us.

I was the only one that it took to for just a little while because my best friend was the family down the street that she wanted me to go to church with. And every Sunday I'd try to go with the Paskett family, nice Paskett family down the street and I was their adopted child. You know? But the thing that that religion never taught me was how do I go home and deal with my alcoholic father? How do I even tell these people, my dad's a drunk.

I'm not gonna sit in Sunday school and talk about that. You just don't. You can't say that stuff out loud. And that doesn't mean that religion isn't good for some people. But what it did for me was it made me know that this was just another place where I couldn't tell anybody what was really going on in my home.

And if anything else, it also made me feel that much more guilty because see, they have it all together, but I don't. And it's obvious because I have to come with this other family because my family isn't all together like them. We're a broken puzzle is what we are, and I'm just one of the pieces of that broken puzzle and, not knowing how to put it together. And, I can remember, I got a lot of good moral values from that church. So I can't I don't knock that religion down completely in that sense.

What I know is it gave me basic sound moral things to live by. That by the time I had involved myself with enough drunks, all the morals that nice church tried to teach me just went right out the window. You know? And, I knew it was wrong. Most of the stuff I was doing was wrong, and yet, I couldn't change it, see, because I just gotta have him.

And I know that I'll feel just better. I talked about the, you know, all the the the guys, and it was like, I graduated from high school with degrees in boys and that's why I almost didn't graduate. I mean, you know, it was much more fun to ditch and and go find out where the boys are at the parties. And so that was my thing, you know, and you know, backing up a little bit, I don't know why my sister and my brother don't seem to be affected by this disease like I had to be affected by this disease, and that's okay. It's I don't try to figure that out today.

They just seem to be, pretty much okay with whatever they're doing or not doing. But I'm the one that, I went to the point where most mornings I'd I'd look over at the drunk and I think, I don't wanna wake up anymore. You know, I don't wanna wake up. Why didn't god just take me in my sleep? Why can't I just mysterious die in my sleep without even taking anything so I don't have to face this anymore because because I don't want to live like it.

I don't want to live like that anymore. And I can remember looking for that in best girlfriends. I couldn't have more than one girlfriend. There was that security of you're my best girlfriend. I will not share with you with anybody else.

And so when the 3rd party would come into that relationship, it was time for me to back off because I'm not worthy enough anyway, and she'll pick her over me anyway, so I backed off. And then by the time I had discovered Boys, the girlfriend relationships were not that important anymore unless they got me to the boy, which my girlfriend Cindy McClure in high school, boy, she did that. She was everything I was supposed to look like. She looked good on the outside. She seemed to feel good on the inside, and she portrayed that.

You know? And I wanted to be like her, and she wasn't too tall. She was just the right height. She didn't have naturally curly hair like me. It was straight and it was blonde and she looked like the surfer we were all trying to be.

You know, I'm Southern California born and raised in my era. You were supposed to have blond, long straight hair parted down the middle, and if you were a white girl, you were supposed to be hanging with the surfers, quote. And that's what we were trying to do, be surfer girls and never saw a surfboard. Well, I've seen one on the beach one time. But, you know, I would never want to get on one.

But we had the Southern California Tans and we did all the other stuff that went along with that. And by the time I got into high school, that meant a whole lot of parties if you were hanging around with the popular people. And see, I'm not that by myself. I cannot be that. I'm totally opposite of that.

I'm the scared little kid in the corner of the room that sits closest to the back door of that classroom. And hope like hell you do not call on me to come up and read or say anything because I'll just die. I know I will. I'll just die from the fright. And, it's like, you know, talking about the fear.

I mean, I still have fear in my life today, but most of the time, if I'm close to my god, it doesn't overwhelm me like it used to. It doesn't keep me stuck in one place where I can't do anything at all. This program has given me that ability to be able to know that there's the unknown and there's faith in the unknown today. And I didn't have that before. I got stuck and stayed hunkered down in this spot all the time with just waiting for the next guy to come along, maybe he'll be the one.

That will make it all better inside for some reason. You know. And I look for that through, Look For Men in All the Wrong Places, you know, that's my song. And like I said, my brother and sister, the the thing I remember probably more about growing up with with my brother, he was the younger brother, and I'm the oldest of 3. That was another thing god did to me.

I hate responsibility. And when you're the oldest, constantly, you have mom and dad saying, you should have known better. You're the oldest. And so right away, it's like, I'm guilty, you know, and I'm thinking, Now how come I couldn't be the baby of the family? My She does.

She's got everything. She She does. She's got everything. She looks like Barbie. She's got Barbies.

You know, she's got the Barbie bed. She looks, you know, like everything you see out of, you know, Better Homes and Gardens, you know, Little Girls Room and and she had all this stuff and her mom was there for softball with her and all this other stuff. You know what I did? I judged that by her outsides. I totally judged what she had going by her outsides.

I thought she had it made, and and it wasn't too many years into this program when I got news that that so called normal family I saw growing up, you know, the daddy was a drunk all those years that nobody ever knew. We certainly didn't. Ours seemed to stick out like a sore thumb to me. But who would have known because everything looked so right? And I envied that situation.

I envied her situation. And, you know, they ended up in a car crash. And my heart went out because it was the first time I realized that I no longer was jealous of her. And I was immediately filled with compassion. As somebody I lived my whole life until men got my life of being jealous of her, thinking she had it made.

You know, thank goodness for the steps of this program. When I got out of high school, I married a nutso man. And I say that because this man did not drink or use. From all appearances, he seemed to be okay. I know that I watched my mom growing up in that home more than I watched my dad because, see, my daddy was fun.

And I was daddy's little girl most of the time when he was home. And I didn't know I was my dad's favorite. Now that bothered me to a certain extent because my dad only had one son and I thought he should treat him better. And so every time my brother got yelled at, when my dad was waking up from a what we thought waking up from a nap and my brother would come in off of his bicycle, come running through the house. He's going to grab another toy or something or grab some change to go get some soda pop at the store with his friends.

And my dad would stop him and say, you know, it's like you're good for nothing. You know, what about the lawn? You think life is all about plan? And he would just start reaming on him. And I'd stand back and I'd start crying for him.

My god. You know? I mean, that those feelings of of those Valinon feelings were there from early on and I really did I really felt for my brother because it didn't make sense that my dad should be treating him like that. And I thought, why doesn't he yell at me? I could take it.

Go ahead and yell at me. I can take it. But I knew my brother must be dying inside to be getting that from his dad. And what kind of example was that going to be for my brother? And I knew my brother was going to end up just like him if my dad kept it up.

I had that feeling he was going to end up just like him. And, you know, so I don't know why they weren't affected like I was. But, I don't have to figure that out today. I'm glad there was an answer for me when I was ready to get here. I'm glad there was an answer.

But this guy down the street, there was another Mormon family that a perfect Mormon family or so I thought. But he was the black sheep of the family and I never saw him. It dawned on me I'd never really seen this guy growing up. You always heard about him, but you never saw him. And, and his own mother tried to warn me not to go out with him.

Now, you know, that should be a really good clue. The kid the guy's own mother told me, I don't think you wanna do this. And I thought, now why would she say that? You know? And, I mean, that's the story of my life.

I've always had blinders on. I've met drunks in AA meetings and still wanted to think they were okay. You know what I mean? They're raising their hand as newcomers. And it's like, oh, you can't be.

You can't be an alcoholic. You look too good. You know? And so I judged life a lot by people's outsides and what they looked like. And he liked playing with guns and like I said he never took anything, nothing, never drank, never used.

And yet I'm more afraid of that kind of insanity today than I ever was a drunk. And I'm grateful because I had taken the 2nd step and I am afraid of that kind of insanity today, very afraid of it. But what I knew from a 5th step is and the only reason I even share that is because that 5th step showed me that I am attracted to sick people, men in general. I'm attracted to sick men. They don't even got to drink or use.

He had all the characteristics. It just wasn't happening. And that's what made him boring to me even with the threat of if you leave, I'll shoot you. If leave I might shoot both of us, if I find you with anybody or if you try to get pregnant. And that was another thing I had agreed upon because my self worth was so low that by the first date I had agreed to never having kids with this man if we ever got married.

Now we're on our first date, that should have been another thing that should have scared me. Now if we should ever get married, we're on a first date. You know, we haven't done anything. And if we should ever get married, you'll you need to know this upfront. There will be no kids.

And he hated his own childhood, that's what I got to find out. At 2 years old, he wanted to be dead. And there were a lot of things I found out about him that said that things were not right with him. And I thought he'd be a lot better if he did drink, but that's beside the point. And I did a lot of things in that relationship to try to get me out the door without people saying because I was so afraid what people would say, without them pointing the finger and saying, it's her, it was her fault.

If it hadn't have been for her, it wouldn't have been it wouldn't have broke up. If it hadn't have been for her and see, I tried to sabotage that in all the ways I could without losing my life. And finally, my mom helped me get out of that relationship because she was afraid for my life at that point, too. And, by that time, it was makeup time and I went out and I started partying and I was partying with guys that were 4 5 years younger because after all, I'm a divorcee now. And I thought that meant something, that they would appreciate an older woman.

And I'm really 12 inside, you know, I'm just 12 years old at that. So I, I went out there and started trying to make up for lost time. And, I can remember the thing that, that I always did was I'd get to the the relationship would get to the point where one more time I was competing with booze and drugs. And if it was a woman, I could beat it up. But how do you beat up a bottle of booze?

I can't. I can't get them to see what they're doing. And I remember this this one relationship, and I always left one drunk for another, not knowing. I mean, this guy is drinking and using, it's bothering me. And so I've already got one over here that I think is going to be okay and I've got to have know that there's that before I leave this because, see, I don't think that I'm okay by myself.

I can't possibly be by myself. It'll scare the hell out of me. And I can remember, having this guy's parents looking out their kitchen window into their backyard where I had taken the calendar that had my computerized picture on it that I'd given him for Valentine's Day that he didn't appreciate anymore because he was going out with his best friend drinking and using that night, and I thought he should just stay home with me. I should be enough. I should be enough.

So I sat in their backyard, and I torched it. And I watched it burn. And I remember looking up at those people's faces looking out in their own backyard at what this woman, who's 5 years older than their son, is doing in their backyard. And we don't have a problem, do we? I don't have to drink and use to do those things today.

That's what I know. I was just nuts. I was just nuts. And I remember looking up and for that split second, I could see the look in their eyes and the next second, I justified the whole thing. Don't look at me that way.

It is your son's fault that has driven me to this place where I have been forced to do this. And that's the way I always I always blamed it on somebody else. It was always somebody else's fault. I blamed all my actions on somebody else. The drunk that got me here, my dad had finally decided to get sober and he was in another 30 day program.

He had been in a couple before, so that's why I did not believe that would work. My mom had already divorced him by then. I thought he had it made. He married the barmaid. I thought, now she's going to understand.

I won't have to worry about him anymore. And I really did. I thought that was of heaven. The woman has already been serving him drinks for God knows how long. She knows what she's dealing with.

Right? Uh-uh. No. In fact, we think she might've had a problem too, but she never claimed that she was alcoholic. But the fight would be on, and then she'd call me.

And it was like, I'm supposed to come over and get him. I threw your father's stuff out on the lawn one more time in a deal. Oh, my brother. You know what I mean? I can't deal with this stuff.

You know? And I'd convince her to call my brother who I felt was stronger, and he's the man. He should take care of it. And see, I don't want to be the responsible older daughter in any sort of way, shape, or form. I was not going to go and rescue anybody.

That wasn't my thing because I'm a victim, too. Thank you very much. Somebody come save me. You know? To heck with him.

And, and yet I was dying just a little bit more each time that pretty soon I had doctors calling me and they had I don't know why they got my number, but they would call me and they'd say, you need to let us know more about why your dad is in the emergency room right now. His his head is split open. He's fallen off of a roof. And I hated those calls. I hated those calls.

I hated that they were calling me to tell me that stuff because they don't want to pretend that it was gonna be okay. I didn't wanna know that my dad was probably gonna die an alcoholic death because I always figured that he probably would, and it scared me to death when I'd get those calls. And I just I would yell back at these doctors on the phone. What is wrong with you? Don't you know he's an alcoholic?

I kept thinking, why can't they figure that out? They think he's just mysteriously fallen off of roofs and stuff, that he keeps having these accidents. He's bleeding internally by accident. I didn't know what was wrong with them, but it was my job to tell them, and I did, and I did. When he got into that program, the pressure was on by my sister mostly.

She said, we need to go down to this A meeting thing that dad's going to in this facility, He wants us to be there and support him. And the only thing I knew about AA was something on the TV that I saw a couple of times, alcoholics were in LA on Skid Row. And that's it. I mean, that was what it was. And then they bang tambourines and they get you in the door and get sober or something, I guess.

I didn't know. And I didn't think it was going to work anyway. But you know what? That night, that boyfriend had just made me mad anyway and I just couldn't see my way, so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Why not?

Why not? I got nothing better to do tonight. I'm mad at him. I go down there with my sister and her husband and we sit in that meeting and there he was, there he was, my next victim right across the room and, you know, nothing but burnout winos like my dad. And, boy, I I spotted him just like that.

And, you know, blinders were on one more time. He's raising his hand as a newcomer. Right? I'm Jeff. I'm an alcoholic.

And I'm thinking, no, you're not. Look at you. You look good. You're young. You dress nicely.

You're smoking a pipe. Very sophisticated. Usually the sugar mama that was trying to make us both hold it together financially and buying their booze for them or their drugs for them. So, this was different. I thought this was really different.

And there should have been a clue, but it wasn't. My dad even called me the next day to warn me that that guy had escaped through the vent in the middle of the night with another friend you know, and I I just want to warn you about him because I know, you know, you told me it was okay to give your number to him and and he was calling my dad dad by the end of the night. Now now normal women would find that a little bit scary, I think. You know? Or even a little bit insulted, like, who does he think he is?

And I was like, yeah. I was just I fell in love. I always fell in love fast, and, I was not a good one night stand. I usually tried to hunt them down and kill them the next day, but I didn't carry weapons. So, I mean, I mentally hunt them down and kill them.

And, I only chased a few down, but, I try to find them and get them to see my way that what is wrong that you did not call me the next day? You know, I am not like that. But my actions all said I was. I found that out in an inventory. But, see, I had good intentions going into all those relationships, don't you see?

I'm not one of those girls. Well, I was. I just didn't charge for it. Oh, well, that's the only difference. You know.

I became everything. I grew up knowing what was wrong. I did everything I knew was wrong. And I knew that, I knew that I was dying inside. But if I just kept in enough denial, it wouldn't kill me.

It just wouldn't kill me and I could just continue one foot in front of the other, looking for the right hand until it came along. And he went into a facility with my dad and in order to keep him in there, because I knew that he had a drinking problem, he suggested I bring drugs every weekend into that facility, county facility and it wasn't locked down, but if you walk out the gates, they call the cops on you right away, so it might as well be. It's in Acton, California and we joked that they were on the family plan together. And so I was smuggling drugs into this county facility for him because I knew he needed them. And I have plans for us when he gets out.

So he's got to fly straight and narrow and this was my thinking that he would be as long as he everybody needs a little something, don't they? I mean, I always drink and used along with an alcoholic. And in fact, when I got here, I was afraid that I might be and I remember throwing a free trunk login with my 4 steps to my sponsor that day and she didn't really what she said was when was the last time you had a drink? And I said, well, you told me that you don't sponsor Al Anon's drink and use anymore. And she said, That's right.

And I said, Well, then that's when I stopped when you became my sponsor that day. And she said, I don't think you've got a problem, ma'am. The alcoholics don't just walk into Al Anon and stop drinking. It just doesn't happen that I know of. And so what I know today is the only way I can describe that because I did a lot of that out there and yet it got to the end of that relationship where I knew that I couldn't even martyr that anymore.

I could not I didn't find much fun in it anymore. I didn't find much fun in it at all. It was killing the person that I loved. It killed a lot of people in my life that I loved. And I thought this is the drink, this is the man over here and I will go for him every time, I'll go for the man every time because that drink wasn't that important.

It seemed to be always connected to the man is what I found out, that's all. But I'll go for him because he is my drink of choice and he is my drug of choice. And so he got out of that facility with no help from me obviously. And one of the gifts I get to do, John talked about the service work and one of the gifts I get to go on is a panel that my sponsor started up in a prison. And that prison panel has been one of the things that I get so grateful because they let me go out after I share on that panel.

You know? I mean, they could lock me up, but they don't. And, in fact, I was afraid of that when I first went in, and they said they couldn't couldn't get me for any of the past stuff. You know, that there's laws against that too. But I thought, oh my god.

For the grace of god, there go I because I belong there. I belong there because of women, you know, like Leslie Van Houten that couldn't say no when they asked her why she did what she did because she couldn't say no to a man. And thank god I just didn't run into any Charley Mansons out there. Thank god because I don't know. I don't know today.

What I know is that was always my thing was I could not say no to a man and I'll do whatever it takes to keep him in my life even if that means killing somebody else or myself, whatever it takes. And then if that doesn't work, move on to the next one, move on to the next one. And the bottom happened for me was when we moved in together in a blackout one night, he wrote a note and said, Do yourself a favor and go to Al Anon. I hate to see you going crazy. And I thought, yeah, I'm the crazy one.

Yeah, right. You're the crazy one. And I was, you know, part of me was totally insulted by the whole thing that he should call me crazy. And I wasn't crazy. I could tell you what color underwear he had on that morning.

I could tell you whether it was dirty or clean. I could tell you how many times he puked that morning. I could tell you everything about him. And I'd get to work some days and I wasn't even sure if I'd brushed my teeth. When was the last time I took a shower?

And alanines don't have problems, see? But that's how far it took me. And I had those thoughts of I'm afraid I'm losing it. And that scared me more than anything else because I was really afraid I was mentally losing it at that point. And I went to see how to get them sober because I thought that's what Al Anon was.

It was I thought they kicked me out though because it said it was family groups and I thought that meant I had to call my mother and try to convince her to come. And my mom is not real fond of my dad even today, okay? So I knew I wasn't going convince her of nothing. And my brother, no, he's still dealing it, I think. I mean, he's got his drugs to sell at that point.

I'm not convincing him of anything and my sister, she's born again, you know, so I think I'm by myself, you know, and I went to that meeting by myself. And and they didn't kick me out. And I found out that I didn't have to bring my whole family. You know, it's not what it meant. And, I remember sitting there, and the pamphlet that stood out to me so much that night was understanding ourselves.

And I finally had that feeling for the first time in my life that somebody understood how I felt and had actually lived my life through that pamphlet. And I thought, you know, these people know, They do know. And it's like the drunk talks about 1 drunk talking to another and, walking in my moccasins. You know? And, we've all heard those stories and Al Anon, I think itis no different.

Thank goodness for financial insecurity because I did not have money to go to a counselor. There were no other options for me. I knew Al Anon was free, you know, and I went and I went to about 6 meetings, he didn't get sober, you didn't give me the magic potion at the end of those 6 meetings that you told me to keep trying until I made that decision. So at the end of 6 meetings, I did not get my magic potion to get him sober, so I stopped going. And I don't know why, but I thought there was really this little paragraph that I would take home and read to him that night where he would just say, that's it.

Thank you, I want to get sober tonight and run out and get sober. I don't know why. We always think it's something we've said or not said, done or not done. The hair color, maybe it's wrong, maybe it's what I'm wearing, I don't know. Maybe we should look someplace else.

Maybe I need a different job, maybe he needs one. Well, I got him a job because he did need one. That didn't work either. Because now my only safe place was no longer safe and people that I worked with was what Clankton has helped get me back to the program because we had to do a geographical during that time and we got closer to my family. Something told me that that would make a difference because my mom really liked him.

And I thought maybe if he's closer to my family, my sister and her kids and all this, it'll be different. Well, it got different all right, it got worse. And there was no hiding him anymore, not in front of my family. And I remember my mom saying, God, I hate to see you doing this one more time. See, my mom's answer was divorce with my dad.

My mom has never found this program. My mom's not a very happy person today. She lives by herself. She says it's just fine with her. But what I know is she's afraid to ever take the risk of ever getting in another relationship because, as she puts it, if I want another one, I'll just go down to the local bar and get one.

Don't want one. End of story for her. And I get to let her do that. I get to leave her alone with that. And what I know is once I got here, my mom was grateful for physical things that she saw different with me.

She saw that I no longer took the same ulcer medication that she did. I no longer took those tranquilizers because I was just a bundle of nerves and I had rashes that they didn't know what to call them anymore. So they called them nerve rashes. They figured I was a nervous wreck. I had ulcers at scar tissue that dated back to I was about 4 years old.

Now how do you at a teenager sit in a doctor's office with ulcers that are almost bleeding, have a doctor look at you and say, what could a 4 year old possibly be that upset about? How do you tell them? You can't. I couldn't tell them. And I just say, I don't know.

I guess I'm just nervous like my mother. And when you say stuff like that, doctors will give you the thing that you really want. And then when they get suspicious, I move on to the next one. I believe that's what's waiting out there for me. It's probably pills more than anything else because my mom goes to sleep on that pill.

Still tonight, she will go to sleep on that pill because she believes that she needs it to get her to sleep. And I believed I needed when he was really driving me crazy. I just need to calm down just a little bit, you know. And I had myself psyched into that from 16 years old when she cut that thing in half, gave me just a half and said, you're such a nervous wreck and this is your first date. I don't want to see you falling apart and you probably will.

And she gave that to me and so pretty soon, you know what kids do? It's no different than in the schools today. 5 years old, they're trying to tell me my kid needs Redline. And I said, I don't think so. I don't think so.

Not in our home, but I didn't tell them that part. What I said to them was because you there's some things you just can't tell to same. And have all the kids laughing at him and be the class clown. And we feel that maybe he's got an attention problem. I'm thinking you bet he does.

He comes out of our home. My god. And I got to say, you know what? We are seeking outside help, but thank you. And I appreciate that you're paying attention.

What I really wanted to say was, you know, but I didn't. And what I know today is that that is unfortunately an answer. It's an answer for a lot of schools and an answer for a lot of teachers because we're cramming 35, 40 kids in the classroom. And by God, if you can just keep the really rowdy ones medicated, you don't have to deal with them. They'll just sit still and mellow out, right?

Yeah, I understand mellowing out. I I had to take something to just mellow out sometimes because the alcoholic was driving me crazy. And you know what? I'm grateful for the program of valeting because you start doing something like that, and my cousin is there, my nephew, my sister's 2 kids were raised in that religious home. And we were the real oddballs in the family, let me tell you.

And especially I call my mother up one day to tell her I'm marrying an alcoholic, and she really knows I'm crazy now. Didn't they teach you anything at those meetings, how to stay away from them? That was her response to that whole thing. And she just knows Iive lost it by that point. But what I know is the program has taught me enough to get my kid help right away, but my sister's kids, they were raised in that.

And that doesn't mean that was good or bad or otherwise, but they were seemingly perfect and we were the weird ones and we couldn't show up for any of the family functions, shame on us. And pretty soon my nephew has a little problem because they tried to get him off the Redland by the time he had it from 5 until he was about 16 years old. And you take a kid that's been told that he isn't okay without a pill and take them off of that. He's on street drugs in a matter of days. And he's climbing out of classroom windows and just leaving.

Just leaving. And if you ask him why, he doesn't know. You know? And so they put him in Christian concentration camps, you know, that cost him $300 a month over the summer. And for whatever reason, he seems to be doing real good right now, and I'm grateful for that.

I don't think everybody ends up here. Don't get me wrong. I don't think everybody has come to Al Anon in AA. But I know I did. I know my family does.

And that's all I have to know. And my niece right now is going through that, and she's 16 years old. And she's just kind of following in her brother's footsteps right now. But, goddamn it, you know, pay attention to your kids with this. There's so many people who want to say, this kid's got a problem.

Let's put him on medication. Half the Al Anon newcomers that walk into my home group are loaded. See? Because you need some Prozac. If you go to the right people, they'll tell you that stuff.

You need a little Prozac. See? Because if you're paying me $10,000, I've gotta put a label on you, number 1, and then I've gotta give you the pills that fit the label when all's it is most of the time is the disease of alcoholism if it be somebody like me. You know? And, you know, I'm grateful for the the home group I have because the Al Anon that I've grown up with and sponsorship in my program, in my home group, does not believe in medication and does not believe in drinking.

We just don't drink, you know. We don't drink. And I'm grateful for that. And I think I've forgotten to mention that my home group is the Tuesday night, Fullerton meeting that meets in anytime now. And we are called Godawanna because you got to want to work a program and you got to want to work the steps.

And we got that out of the Forum Magazine. So it's not real profound, but when we saw it, we thought, wow, we grabbed it. What a great name for a home group, God O'Hara. And I love that home group today. Absolutely love it.

And I know that God puts sick people like me right in the middle of the answer because somebody as scared as I was, I would have avoided it and would have run the other way. And they stuck a little wimpy thing like me right in the middle of the answer so that I could get better and I'm so grateful for that. After a New Year's Eve party I knew that I had to go back to Al Anon because everybody I worked with saw him in all his glory and I was embarrassed to death. And so I went back and I thought maybe for some reason I'll hear something different and I did. I started hearing people talking about sponsorship.

And that doesn't mean they didn't the first time, but I couldn't hear it. I didn't hear anything about sponsorship. I didn't know how I if I felt a little bit good in a meeting, now how do I go home and feel that way? How do I walk in the door and not give him one of those looks again? Because he may be passed out or he may not be when I get home, and I don't know for sure.

He may have taken one of those walks where he doesn't have a car, I have the car, But if he's taken one of those walks, he'll get picked up for drunk walking possibly. That's happened too. He got picked up for drunk everything, you know, that you can drunk drunk doing the laundry. I mean, people knew there was a problem in my home mostly because of me and my mouth. And you know what, he could look good on any given day walking into that job.

And he put it on a 3 piece suit after barfing his guts up all morning long. The owner of the company did not even wear a 3 piece suit. And he could look like he owned the place. And then there was me. You know, I was moping behind him, few spaces behind him with my head down, and my eyes were swollen shut because I've been crying all night long, and I've been watching him all night long.

And I donit wear makeup anymore because, see, he doesnit care so why should I anyway? It doesnit mean anything anymore. And poor me. And people watch that. That's what they saw.

They didn't see this guy was drunk half the time he was at work. But they'd look at me and know there was a problem. And I had many people come into my office and say, what's going on? And I just clients say, we're just having problems. That's all.