Danny J. from Joplin, MO speaking in Tulsa, OK

And when the man talked, it did something to me. He's one of those people who went a little bit farther than I had to go. And I'm real grateful for that. He's also one of those people that I can look at and see recovery, not abstinence, recovery. If you haven't heard Danny Joe talk, you're in for a treat.

Man's got a good story. Come on up here, babe. This really blows me away. Hi, everybody. I'm a drug addict.

My name is Danny. Hi, Danny. I'm real nervous. I've been told by someone who knows I shouldn't be. I think that's bullshit.

Sometimes when I'm in your presence, I'm nervous. It's really important for me to share with you what it was like, what I was like, what happened and what I'm like today, because everything I am today and everything I have today is a direct result of this program. I take no credit for that. I feel real fortunate that I live long enough to find you. I tried hard not to.

I don't know whether it was consciously or unconsciously but I should be dead, you know, and I'm not. I love to have fun and sobriety. I thought when I got sober I would have to become a saint or Christ like, And I'm glad that I didn't have to. I'm glad that I I was able to continue to hang out with the people that I always hung out with before. You know, I've always hung out with drug addicts and alcoholics all my life.

You know, I guess that's because that's who I am. And today, I still hang out with drug addicts and alcoholics. You know? And there's a few earth people that I love. You know?

And the only reason I'm able to love them is because I try to understand them. You know? I don't expect them to understand me. I've got I've got you to understand me. I don't need anyone else to understand me.

I can go anywhere in the world and find a group of people who understand me. So my life's easier when I'm not out there trying to make other people understand me. You know, because no one knows what it's like I think to to be a drug addict except a drug addict. And I don't believe that deep in their heart that it makes it can't make as much difference to anyone else if we stay straight, you know, only each other, you know, because we know what it's like to go out there and use, you know. I know what it's like to go out there and use after I've been introduced to this program.

It's a bitch, you know. It's a bitch to go out there and and sit there and and stick that needle in your arm and and it don't go away anymore, you know. Because I came around and I saw the miracle, you know. I saw you people, you know. And you were having more fun without sticking the needle in your arm than I was when I was.

And I and I used to sit and try to figure that out. You know, how's that work, you know? Why are they grinning and I feel like shit, man. I've spent all day, you know, I would go to any lengths, you know. I used to break needles off in my arm and I and I would wonder where they went, you know.

And and I thought, well, I I won't use them in BND syringes anymore, man. You know, it's stainless steel because you buy that cheap shit and it, you know, and you hell, after you wash it out for 3 or 4 months, you know, the needle just kinda fall off and you go, oh god. You know? Where'd it go? And then you lay awake and you try to try to figure it out in your head where it's going.

You know? Is it is it in is it just floating around somewhere and, you know, and and someday it's just gonna puncture in your heart and then you're just gonna die. You know? And, you know, since I've came to this program, I haven't had to experience that that those thoughts at night. You know?

And for that, I'm grateful. You know? I did it 2 days in a row. So everything I've ever done in my life especially when I'm using that, every mistake I've made, I've made it twice at least. My police record is is is proof of that.

I would go out and do something and screw it up and come back and figure it out with my head and then go do it again. Thinking that it was going to be okay. And I'd screwed up again. Because all my life I've had as from the time that I was able to, I've tried my very best to operate with a drug affected mind, you know, because I couldn't stand the voices, you know, I couldn't stand the people, you know, and I couldn't stand me and I had to get away, And the only way I could do is put something in my body. And I'd like to tell you that since I came to this program, everything's been wonderful.

And that's bullshit. Hasn't been wonderful. But it's been good. Every night when I go to bed and I try to do a 10 step if I don't forget or if I'm not too lazy or if I just don't wanna mess with it. You know?

And I realized that I've been sober and straight another 24 hours. No matter what's happened throughout that day, I've had a good day. I don't care what it was, you know, because I lived all my life in institutions, you know, from the time I was 14 on, you know, when I was about 14, they started talking to me for my own good. And I found out when they do that, you better pack a suitcase because you're going somewhere. You know?

This is for your own good. Okay. Never did me any good. It did them some good, you know. They got rid of me for however long I was gone.

They knew if they got rid of me, I'd stay as long as I could because, you know, I was gonna do it my way wherever I was at. You know? They tried to modify my behavior when I was a kid. You know? I would that's what you do something, they do something to you, and then you're not supposed to do it next time because you remember what they did to you.

You know? And I would do something that would hit me in the head with a 5 cell flashlight. And I learned how to be real sneaky. I never once considered not doing it Because if it was something I wanted to do, then I would do it. And it made no difference what the consequences were, you know.

And back when I was using and drinking, I, you know, I became super junky, you know. I get loaded and become invisible. No one could see me. You know, I could do anything, you know, just anything. You know?

I got caught a lot though. I was the guy that when people said, oh, let's don't do that. I'd say I'll do it. See, because I so desperately wanted to be accepted by someone. When I was a kid, I picked out some people that that I wanted to be like because I didn't like who I was.

You know, I was a little little short fat kid with a bow tie and I used to have hair, and I swear to God I did because I've seen pictures. I don't remember it, but I don't think I've ever told you how I lost my hair. When I was in reform school back, it was a long time ago and that's back when everybody wore their hair grease down. That's when Elvis Presley first came out and and everybody wanted to be Elvis Presley. And business reform school, they wouldn't let you have anything to put on your hair because it's stained the pillars and stuff.

But we figured out that if we took some burl cream and at the plumbing shop, they had this plumber's grease that you you put on the pipes before you screw them together. And we mix bro cream with this red plumber's grease and we put on our hair. And the guy that ran the plumbing shop told me, he said, don't put that shit on your hair because you'll lose your hair. It'll make your hair fall out. I said, not me.

But it did. I'm the kind of guy that will absolutely destroy himself to prove he's right, you know, or to prove you're wrong. You know? I tried to prove I wasn't a drug addict and it almost killed me. I think now, I knew I was a drug addict.

I tried to prove that that was the only way it was ever going to be for me. See. I knew I was a drug addict, I knew I was powerless, but see that was kind of my identity to be a drug addict, you know. You know people say, hey, that guy ODs all the time. Yeah.

Hey. That's all I had. You know? That's all I had. You know?

I played I played roles for so many people that, and I desperately wanted you to like me. You know? So I would figure out what you how you wanted me to be and that's the way I try to be. You know. Only thing I didn't like was run around speed freaks because I hated speed, man.

You know, and you gotta do speed with them and then they talk about shit that don't make no difference for days. And you're going, yeah. And then I'd sneak off somewhere and do some tunols, man, and and try to go to sleep. You know? So I was I wasn't very successful being a speed freak.

But I would do it. You know? It wasn't my brothers, but, you know, if that's who I was with, that's what I did. Are there heroin addicts in the room? Recovering heroin addicts?

Raise your hand. God, I want to be a heroin addict. Can't do that in Joplin. Unless being a heroin addict is shooting all the heroin you get your hands on, then I'm a heroin addict. I just never could get enough to get a good habit going.

I used to think, god. If only lived in Kansas City, man, I could be a heroin addict. Because I thought that was you know, give me some more class to be a heroin addict, you know. But I had to do whatever was there, you know, and I did, you know. I had a lot of trash, you know.

If you said it work, I'd try it. You know, a guy gave me some mescaline mix, he cut it with jello and powdered Jell O, and I kept thinking, I wonder what would happen. He said, don't shoot it. You gotta eat it. Why?

Is it made out of concrete? Will it break down? It'll break down and then shoot it. But I kept thinking if you add the water to the and then you walk in a cold room while that's going through. And if it happens to be around your heart somewhere and then it it gels, you're discreet.

So I snorted it. Ain't it great to be sober? I hate getting emotional. It's not very macho. You know?

I have this image to maintain. Oh, god. Yeah. I'm still sick. You probably people are the reason I'm alive, you know.

I look around and my sponsor stood up when they said, man. I thought, god. The guy's really gonna get well. Yeah. That's scary when your sponsor starts going to gnar on too.

My solution to that was I was good talking to him. I go to different meetings all through him and I love him, you know, he he's one of the people that saved my life, you know, and I'm grateful that I know that. You know? I'm grateful that I know that this program saved my life and it's not it's in the dress rehearsal. You know?

It's in Disneyland. You know? It's not the sandbox. This is reality, man, you know. It's a life and death struggle, you know.

And if I go back out there, I don't know, you know. And I'm comfortable here, you know, and I was really uncomfortable out there. That's a bad deal out there. I know that and I'm glad I know it. I'm glad I lived long enough in this program to start liking being here.

Almost 4 years ago, I went to High on Life Picnic the day after I got out of treatment and all them people were just grinning. They had a hug meeting, and then they hugged me first. I went up there and just said something. I just don't know what I said, you know, and went back in the corner and just and just felt real weird. But my sponsor kept taking me to things like that.

So I'm not comfortable. So what? See, addicts don't die from being uncomfortable. They die from using drugs. They don't die from emotional pain.

They die from using drugs and I'm glad I know that and I learned that from you. I didn't know that when I got here. I didn't know shit when I got here. I'm standing in a treatment center been out of detox for 8 days and and and and in a worse shape than when I got there because I took a few pills along because I know they don't know nothing about detoxing and detox. But I've been there before, you know.

And I looked at myself in the mirror one day and I thought, what the hell are you doing here? You know? I was standing there and I looked like I had a beard but I didn't, I just hadn't bothered to shave yet for a while and had my ear ring in my ear. I don't remember which side. I I don't think it made any difference in.

Now you gotta be real careful about that stuff. So, you know, and I think I got a chance to see me for the first time. You know? At a court case hanging, you know, impending doom, you know. Been in the penitentiary, more than once.

Didn't seem to help. Been in the nut house more than once. That didn't seem to help. I went to a Pentecostal church and got saved and baptized. I don't know how many times.

That guy used to say there's somebody out there that needs praying for. Come on up here, Danny. And I'd go And all the and I love these people. I love these people. Okay.

I'm not making fun of them. They were trying to give me something that they had, and they all laid hands on me and they prayed. And I felt guilty because I couldn't I had seen them do it to other people. And man something happened. They they got that whatever they were trying to give them and just flipped out and did real good with it, came back.

They were wonderful. I took a junkie out there with me, she flipped out, ripped the sleeves off her shirts, had tracks all the way up both arms, freaked everybody in the church out. But I couldn't get it, you know. And I felt guilty because I couldn't get it. So I quit going to church.

Besides I was trying to cop before church and it really got to be a hassle over. And my priorities were I just, you know, I thought well, I'll quit going to church. Never thinking that maybe I'll quit using. I hadn't I didn't think of that till I found you. You know?

I didn't know there was an option. I didn't know that I had that choice, you know, and I didn't before I found you. I it just never came into my head, you know, that I should quit. I I thought, well, maybe I, you know, I shouldn't do this or that, but I never thought about quitting. Oh, I used to think about quitting.

Well, I used to set up real loaded and read the bible and and, I love to read about Paul because he's always in prison. He was real spiritual. You know, I can imagine me sitting there in prison right in that stuff and and just and I throw my dope away. The next morning, it's panic. It's panic the next morning.

See, it's all that shit I said the night before. Forget it. You know, I'd played let's make a deal with God and the next morning, forget it, and I gotta go see the man. See, I you know, that option wasn't open to me yet, you know, till I found you. And this program gave me that choice, you know, and I'm grateful for that.

I went into the army for a while and I'm I I'm really trying to stay away from telling a drunk a dope and drunk, a lot of the way you're gonna call it because that's not one what's important to me today, you know. I did enough drugs to as a friend of mine on the tape says to what is it? I did enough drugs to qualify for the help that I'm getting here. You know? What it was like, it was a bitch.

It really was. It was a lot harder to stay loaded every day than it is stay straight. I mean, really was. It was really hard. You know?

It got to where I just have to you know, I'd have to go in I'd just go in a drugstore and just just go behind the counter and just take it. I just take it. I just take it, and I just say, well, I'm just gonna go ahead and take it. You know? And I just go get it.

And the guy just be screaming, hollering shit, and I go to any lengths. You know? And then I get so then I go to jail later on. You know? And it would kinda be a relief because, you know, then it then I wouldn't I didn't have to do that anymore.

I didn't have to chase drugs, you know. I didn't have to hurt people. I didn't have to hurt myself, you know. I didn't have to carry guns and I didn't have to do all that insanity that I did when I was using. And I don't know if it was a drug that was doing it or anything.

I just know that before I came to this program was totally and absolutely insane, you know, and I was insane before I ever took drugs. And the drugs just kept me alive long enough to get here, And I just did exactly what I wanted to do and, and suffered the consequences and never learned from them and went out and did it again. And, you know, and it was like I felt like I was locked into that. It might what was gonna happen for me later on is I was gonna OD, you know, or somebody's gonna blow my head off, you know, or I was gonna die in in the penitentiary. And that was it.

That was the only option that I could see, you know, because of the drug addict and that's what happened to all the drug addicts I knew, you know, and somewhere along the line that became okay, You know? And I lost hope. You know? And I started to really die. And then, my higher power, I guess, has been in my you know, working in my life all my life, you know.

I've OD'd a few times. I woke up with those little things sticking on you where they got your heart started again and woke up with my wrist shaved and and other places shaved where they tried to find a vein and, you know, because I don't have any veins anymore. You know? If I if I was ever to have to get a transfusion, they'd have to do a cutaway, you know. And, you know, I might just get hit by a car and die before they could find a vein, you know, and that's, you know, that's how bad my veins are, you know, and that's okay, you know.

I went the last time I went to prison, I hope it was the last time I went to prison, I went to jail on the 5th or 8th May. Bob went to treatment on 18th. Little did I know that he was on his way to bringing back NADA Joplin. See. I guess my higher power knew more about when I was gonna be ready than I did.

Yeah. And it satisfies me to believe that the and they was brought to Joplin so I could learn to live. Yeah. That's what I believe. You know?

I got out of prison and and I've been in AA in prison and and, I I've been I've been to treatment quite a few times before I went to prison. I was introduced to AA and while I was in Nevada State Hospital hiding out from a couple warrants, and we were all up there hiding out smoking pot and acting crazy and somebody said there's some donuts downstairs at the AA meeting. And if you've ever been in a mental institution, you know that they don't feed you very well and you get hungry anyway. And I had a box of cereal stash, and I already ate that. And and I'm wanting a donut.

And I have an obsession. That's a thought that overpowers all other thoughts. And we dashed to the down to the AA meeting not knowing that it wasn't over yet and not knowing that you don't get donuts till it's over. And if and if your your obsessions are anything like mine, it's not like, well, okay, the hell with it. You know?

No. I had I waited. And I listened, and Blackie was there, and, he talked about AA. A long time ago, I was told I was a borderline alcoholic. And I thought that somebody someday would tell me when I crossed the border.

You know, they never did. I thought that I was okay. But when I found drugs, I didn't drink anyway unless I didn't have any drugs. I made sure I didn't without without drugs very long, so my drinking, you know, is real short time. So, I heard him talking about a and I thought, god, that's wonderful.

If I ever become an alcoholic, that's for me. And another guy was there and he was talking about heroin. And I thought, oh, wait a minute. And I listened, and he didn't talk very long. And after it was over, I went and shook their hands and and went and ate some doughnuts and left.

And later on, I left the mental institution. It was it was an ADA unit. And, went over to this guy's house and was laying around getting high, and this this car pulled up and and there's some people in the front and this guy in the back who was talking about heroin was sitting in the back seat. And he had a jug of wine in one hand, he had a jug of wine in the other hand. And what he wanted from me, he wanted to find out is I'm gonna go up to Nevada.

What's the best thing I can tell them so they'll give me some good dope? And I thought, AA don't work. You know? Didn't work for him. You know, he's drunk.

You know? And I was an alcoholic anyway. You know? But, you know, later on when I went to jail, I remembered AA and I remember the guy named Blackie and I thought maybe if I get a hold of him, he'll help me get out of jail, You know, I'll tell him I'm an alcoholic. You know?

I had my folks get a hold of him. He sent me a big book and that's all. He ain't putting no money in it or anything. It's a book. And I accidentally read some of it.

Boy, boy. Don't read that shit. Don't read none of this stuff if you don't wanna be 1 because if you're here, you probably are. Nobody gets here by accident, I don't think. I saw 2 or 3 people walk by out there and they didn't come in.

You know? They didn't say, oh, NA, I think I'll go in. They went on. Anyway, I read in there and I read the description of the alcoholic, and I would I am proud to admit that I am an alcoholic, David. You know?

And but alcohol is a drug and and, you know, if it'll get me off, I I would I would do it when I'm out there. We went to the cafe a while ago and and we were all, you know, like, 30 of us and we were all getting ready to leave and hugging and stuff. And on the way out, this lady said, well, that must be a church group. Wow. Kim, I think said, oh my god.

I've been accused of being a lot of things, but never been accused of being a church group, but that's good. That's better than what they used to say. They wouldn't even let us in there, but, you know, this place. Anyway, I got out of prison the last hopefully, the last time I got out, and I decided to get drunk one more time. I'd now and I was an alcoholic, and I don't know why I even thought about getting drunk.

I like to think it's because it'd be a little harder to cop, and I you know, just real easy to go down to bar. I don't know what my mind said. But I drank the same way two and a half years after being locked up as I did the last time I drank. I I blacked out immediately. And, evidently, I was evidently, I was just walking down the sidewalk in a blackout.

And And the only reason I know this is I read the police report and, who knows? I'm I'm sure they didn't lie about it. I they said that I and I must I probably no. I did this. God, I hate to admit it.

It was about 9:30 at night and I and probably, I don't know, the sun was maybe hurting my eyes or something. And I leaped through a window of this optical company to get some sunglasses. And being the type of guy I am, I didn't bother to leave. I just stayed there. And I got 4 pair.

And both places place on each side of the place was open, so, naturally, they knew right away something happened, and and the cops came and took me to jail. I've been out of prison for 10 hours, and God's looking out for me, you know, because I'm still out of prison, you know. I was on pro, but hell, I've been on pro all my life. You know? So it's, you know, been on pro is really no big deal.

You know, it's kinda it will be kinda scary to get off pro if I ever do. It'd be like, oh, shit. At least now I know once a month somebody wonders where I'm at. You know? Anyway, I went to treatment out of out of jail and didn't stay straight, didn't stay sober.

Kept getting kept blacking out, kept going going back to jail for my own protection. This time, I they just find me walking down the street and sitting on a curb and then just hold me 12 hours so I wouldn't hurt myself. I wouldn't, you know, stumble out in front of the car I guess or something. And, then this happened and then I went to treatment in Kansas City. And, standing in that bathroom, I said, you know, I didn't know why I was there, you know.

I The thought came to me that maybe I was there to try to get some help and I heard a tape of a guy, and he said on the tape, you don't have to live this way anymore if you don't want to. And it was like a light came on in my head. I didn't know that I did that I had a choice, that I didn't have to live that way anymore, you know. And, I I came to believe, I think, that maybe maybe this might work, maybe. I don't know.

Maybe. The little doubt that, you know, maybe it will work. Then I said a prayer, you know, I said to God, I I, you know, as long as I have this obsession, I can't I can't think about anything else because I could talk to you and and concentrate on what you were saying for about a minute, maybe. And then I'm and then my brain went somewhere else and it went to to getting off or to to, you know, out ahead of me or behind me or somewhere else. It didn't wanna stay where it was.

And I and I went on about my business. The next day I woke up and it was gone. It was like my head was empty. The obsession had completely and totally left, and I haven't it hadn't been back. I don't know where it went.

You know, I don't have it. And if you've had this experience, and I'm sure you have, it's like, what do I think about? You know, it's like my like there was a vacuum, you know, nothing up there and that's pretty close to being true now. It was empty. There wasn't anything to think, you know.

I didn't know how to think without the obsession. And I went and talked to a counselor and he said, well, you had your prayers been answered, you know, like it wasn't a big deal. It was a real big deal for me, you know, and I started paying attention. And I didn't I did not expect to stay sober. I did not expect to stay straight.

I didn't believe this program would work. I don't care what you told me. I didn't believe it. I thought it was a bunch of crap and, but I decided to give it a try. I decided to to maybe try to do some of this stuff because I really didn't have anything else to do anyway.

I was I was waiting to go to court to go back to prison. Didn't have a job. Didn't have anything. So I thought what the hell. And I started going to meetings.

I started working with Rick over here. You know? Oh, sick Rick. You know? And it was just what I needed.

You know? We didn't work much. Well, we couldn't start working until we had went to Lillis Cafe for coffee with the rest of the people in the group in the program. And then by then, it was almost time for a noon meeting, so we'd have to go to a noon meeting. And a lot of times in the summertime, a lot of times we'd run into people and they'd say, hey.

Let's go swimming. So we'd say, well, we'll do that tomorrow. You know? And, that's what we did and that's exactly what I needed. Rick helped me a lot in my recovery.

He he he answered a lot of questions that I needed to have answered. You know. Like, what do you do? You know? Okay.

Now I'm straight. What do you do? What what do people do? You know? Well, you just live your life.

Really? It's okay to have fun? Is there life after sobriety or just all become nuns and priests and stuff and, you know, and sit around and and talk about celibacy or what, you know. Is there sex? Can you have sex?

Hell, Hell, I didn't know if I could have sex or not. I had I've been loaded all my life. I used to have sex with myself in prison a lot. God. That's really humiliating to Better than some of the other stuff that's going on.

Believe me. Some of them guys get in prison and make it a way of life and not me, brother. I'm I went out. I mean, I'm working toward the door. I'm not, you know, I'm not setting up housekeeping.

I'm not, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to do none of that. I just want I wanna go home. You know? You know, I got things to do and people to see and I ain't got time to be standing here and getting stabbed or or hitting at the steel pipe. I don't, you know, I don't wanna I don't wanna gamble.

I don't wanna do none of that crap. I wanna go home. And I did, and I was real good at being good, you know, because I had I had some motivation. I wanted out, you know. I got high a few times in the prison and I got I got arrested every time I did it and they have a court inside prison.

They put you in jail after in jail. My first experience with that, they put me in a cell with a guy, a 17 year old kid that killed his mom and dad and he kept wanting to tell me about it. I've been there 2 days with him. He said, you know, I've been here 2 days. We never thought about killing you.

I said, really? Okay. You can stay awake 3 days without speed. I did. See, because I don't wanna know nothing about that stuff.

No. I don't know about killing. I don't I don't want don't tell me about killing. I don't wanna know about killing. You know?

I wanna know about getting high. That's okay. I don't just don't know anything about killing. You know? Anyway, I got out and I started going to meetings and I started working with Rick and and then I got a job by myself and I don't know.

I picked up a 90 day chip. I see, when I used to come around the program loaded, I used to come around loaded, you know, but I just kinda sit there and try to figure it out. You know? And sometimes I if it was a good meeting, I would get really inspired, and they'd have the chips, and I'd go get a chip. I said, maybe 1 week, I get a 6 month chip.

Next week, I get a 3 month check. And they always gave them to me. They never said, oh, hey. Wait a minute, asshole. Vern told me I kept him straight 9 months just on gratitude.

He said, I used to look at you and say, oh, thank god I'm not like that guy. Nobody in NA ever said don't come back, asshole. They said keep coming back and they hugged me. And I love hugs, man. I you know, I was so unacceptable to me that that when somebody hugged me, it just freaked me out.

See, I I didn't know what to do with someone who loved me. I knew what to do with you if you didn't like me, but I just didn't like you. But if you loved me, I didn't know what to do because I didn't know how to love you. You know? And they'd and the boys would hug me.

You've been in prison. It's not cool for boys to hug you. God. First time a guy hugged me, I looked around so he was watching. Oh, shit.

Everybody was watching. See, but that's my that's my old ideas. See? That's all that crap I'm trying to leave behind me. You know?

I don't need it. You know? I don't I don't need to judge anything that's happening with me. You know? And I try real hard not to.

You know? I try not to real I try real hard not to judge you. You know? See, god's the one that does the judging. You know?

And that's a big load off my shoulders, and I have to do that. That's a full time job, you know, taking people's inventory. God. Just wear a shout, you know, because there's so many of you. And I learned that if I take your inventory, it's probably me that I'm seeing anyway, so I think you're all beautiful and I love you.

I don't know what happened. I think I've turned into a square. You know? I try real hard to be an example of what this program can do for you. You know?

I really cleaned up my language. I wish Mary was here and not blacky. Let her listen to this tape, will you? I really cleaned up my language. You know?

I I worked for Blackie and his wife used to say, god. That's such a garbage mouth. You know? And he meant it to me a couple of times too. And that's what I needed, you know, in a loving way.

I needed that because I I wanna be a good example of what they can do for you. You know? I don't wanna be the jerk I was before, I don't wanna come in here and act like the jerk I was before. I don't wanna just be straight. You know?

If I had to just be straight and feel like I used to feel, I'd just go out and get loaded or kill myself. You know? I wanna be like the people who were here when I got here. You know? That's who I wanna be like.

That's my role models today. You know? The people who are walking the walk. You know, not just talking the talk, you know, because this is my life now. You know?

It's not it's not anything, but everything I do in my life, I do in between this. As long as I can do it that way, I live a real peaceful life. When I start thinking that there's things in life that's more NA and you people, then I get in a real bad space. See? Because I'm forgetting, you know, I'm forgetting where I came from.

You know? And it's important for me to get up here and and and remember where I came from and what kind of condition I was in when I got here. You know? And I worked the steps to the best of my ability and my ability changes and I need to I need to do another 4th and 5th step. You know?

I need to do that. You know? And the reason I need to do that is my spouse said, you know, that she she said I used to think Bob was god, didn't we, Danny? I used to tell Bob, God if I had a wife like that, I'd get high too. And she said if he could run around with him, you wouldn't get high.

Nobody ever blamed Bob for getting high. God. Attucks are so slick, man. Yeah. I almost slipped myself into the grave.

You know? I did. Almost tricked myself into the grave. You know? And when I when I come in here, I used to sit around and talk about working the steps, but I wasn't working.

I just talked about working them. You know, I found out that don't work just talking about it. I ain't even thinking about it don't work. You know, I used to think about, you know, oh, how are you doing on it? Well, I'm I'm in the thought process.

Well, that's scary. The only way for me to work the steps is to work them, you know, because that's the only way I'm going to change and if I don't change, I'm going to go back out there. You know, if I go back out there, I'm probably gonna I probably wouldn't die. I'd probably end up with a life sentence and and maybe be real crippled, you know, or something. You know?

When the last time I was in prison, I walked down and looked at the gas chamber and it's it's real nice. You know, it's got the little stuff over, you know, little trellis where they put little flowers when they're gonna gas you, you know, and it's got the little walkway with a big cross on it in the brick and they keep it freshly painted because they don't use it very often. Hadn't used it a long time. And they've got a they've got a a death house crew that go in there and clean it up all the time. And nobody's ever in there but that's just what they do.

And I looked in the window of it and and it looked real peaceful. You know, the sun was shining in there and and it was like you just sit down and they just drop the pellets in and and then you just go to sleep. You know? And at that point in my life, it looked real comfortable. Looked real good.

And I told the guy with me, I said, hey. It looks like a bad deal. You know? And it it really didn't look like a bad deal, you know, because I was living behind a 20 22 foot wall with a bunch of with a bunch of, people who were just like me, you know, and, you know, it's real nerve wracking to be walking to this chow line and somebody gets stabbed and you don't know what to do. Oh, shit.

You know? You know? What do you do? You know? Could I have some more bacon?

You know? You know, you don't wanna look, you don't wanna see nothing, and you don't wanna go nowhere, and you just wanna die right there. You know? And that's a bad way to live. You know?

And I thought, well, you know, just go in there and sit down and and it'd be over. Here while back, they had a picture of the gas chamber in the paper. They were cleaning it up. There's a guy up there trying to get around the gas and if they can, you know, and they showed it in the paper. And in the paper, that looked like a bad deal.

You know? Today in sobriety, that looks like a bad deal. It don't look it don't look fun. It don't look comfortable. It don't look peaceful.

It looks like a bad deal. And that's what this program has done for me, you know, has turned my mind around, you know. I don't wanna die anymore, you know, and I care if I live. I didn't care before, you know, whether I lived or died, you know. I used to try to just stay asleep all the time.

Just do downers and wake up and do downers, you know, and that was it, you know. And the only time I left the house was to get more, you know, and I didn't want anybody around me. You know, the TV played probably for a year without ever being turned off. You know? And that was all I thought there was.

You know? Boy, I'm glad I lived long enough to find this program. You know, because when I saw you, I saw the miracle, you know, And you just gave it to me. You know? And that's a miracle.

Bring by in the room that doesn't know where they're at tonight. If you don't know where you're at, raise your hand. Anybody in the room doesn't know who they are? Anybody in the room that doesn't wanna be here? Is that a miracle?