The Al-Anon Utah Area Spring Rally in Salt Lake City, UT

Hello, everyone. I'm Phil Baker, and I love alcoholics. Thank you. I love Al Anon. I I love the program.

It saved my life. It's given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. I love hearing stuff like that. I love being part of people's lives and seeing the magic and the beauty and the incredible gifts that we can get in this program. So I come up here, wanted to talk about the power of god in my life, that I got through this program.

And, and today, because of that, I have a life beyond anything I could have ever imagined, beyond anything that I could have ever dreamed of. And I owe it all to Al Anon. I owe it all to my higher power. I owe it to Alcoholics Anonymous because without them, we wouldn't be here, you know, on multiple levels, you know. You know, if it wasn't for some crazy alcoholic in my life, I would have never gotten here.

And if it wasn't for doctor Bob and Bill Wilson, we wouldn't be here. And so for that, I'm really, really grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous. And a lot of the conflict I see between our 2 programs sometimes saddens me sometimes because without each other, we're our kids. You know? We're the next ones coming up.

I got here through a relationship with a sober alcoholic. I met the sober alcoholic. She looked at me, said, I'm an alcoholic. And I kinda went, so? Is that supposed to mean something?

I've come now in hindsight to understand that it means a lot. You know, she was actually trying to help me out by giving me some valuable information about who she is and how she perceives the world and the kinds of things that she does, and just went right over my head. I had Had no idea. Yeah. She was an alcoholic with a persistent variety, and she kept bugging me about that.

And I eventually finally went to an Al Anon meeting to shut her up. Really. I mean, there's nothing wrong with my life. And I come to see now if that if that very action in itself doesn't call me qualify me for Al Anon, I don't know what does. You know, because because you see, truthfully, the problem in my life is not nor has it ever been that alcoholic or any other alcoholic in my life.

My problem in my life is me and how I see the world and how I think. And it took me a long time to figure that out, you know, because that first meeting, I went to the first meeting, I could not stand it. Couldn't wait to leave, and I still have the picture in my head. You know, she was she was waiting by the truck, you know, by the curb and she picked me up and I walked right up to her and I looked at her and I said, I don't need to be there. You're not drinking.

You know, there's a bunch of crazy people in there. And so we stayed together, and we set up shop. And I proceeded to just get crazier and crazier and more insane and just really, really out there. It took me a good, from that time, it probably took me a good year and a half, 2 years before I finally came to Avalon. I would try every now and then to kind of pop in because I kept hearing this stuff that this is a good place to go.

And every time I I came here, I left, just couldn't stand it. And then finally, when I finally came to Al Anon, the the thing that really took me to Al Anon was the fact when I when I honestly sat down and I looked at my life, I was miserable about everything in my life. I was miserable in my own skin. I hated my job. I hated where I lived.

I didn't wanna go home ever. I didn't wanna be at work, had no friends, you know, and I was just miserable. And I was finally, like, yo, I think I need to do something about my life because it screwed up. And that finally took me to Al Anon. And so so I came in here kicking and screaming.

Did not wanna be here. Fortunately, I found a meeting that was somewhat reasonable for me that I that I could stomach being there, and it took me it really took me a long time to be okay with it. And, You know, just the way I had gotten this this story for me just really kinda sums up the the best part of it is, after 6 months of being in this being in this meeting, going to other meetings. I was going to a couple meetings a week. I was gonna I was gonna chair a meeting, which in California, what that means is I just show up and speak for about 15, 20 minutes to the group and then we open the group up.

It's different than the chairperson out here. And so I was gonna chair the meeting and, you know, being in a quote, unquote recovery house, you know, I told her about it. She really wanted to come. I really didn't want her to come. We kinda got into a bit of a fight, and, I ended up leaving the house.

And, I went you know, showed up the meeting, and a couple minutes later, she walked into the meeting. And I turned around, walked right up to the secretary of the meeting, and I looked at her and I said, I can't do this, and I walked out of the room. And there's a couple things what that was about for me, but the thing I can only see for the longest time is the truth about it was I was gonna sit there and complain about her and how miserable she's made my life for about 15 or 20 minutes. Since she showed up, I couldn't do that. And I had nothing else to talk about.

You know, there was I could not tell you anything about my life outside of my obsession with her, outside of my obsession of how she was treating me, how she was acting, the things she was saying, the things she was doing, the things she wasn't doing, the things she wasn't saying, you know. You know, so you come up and ask me how I'm doing. It's just kinda like, well, I'm pissed because she's been doing this and she's been doing that. You know, it's just like, well, how do you feel? What what are you talking about?

You know, what do you mean? You know, what do you like in your life? I like to talk about her. You know, I mean, let's talk about her some more. And, I that was that was all I knew.

It really was. And because things had just gotten so insane, and and it took me a long time to really get I mean, I used to sit in these meetings and I used to be jealous of alcoholics. You know, they used to get the they go there and sit in a meeting, powerless over alcohol. What does that mean? It means you don't drink anymore.

What am I supposed to stop doing in here, you know, especially when it's her fault, You know? How am I gonna stop doing something? And and, you know, I've heard for year a lot you know, powerless over people, places, and things, all that kind of stuff. And and, honestly, something about that never really sat quite right with me. And I've learned about that recently because the truth is I'm not powerless over people, places, and things.

Look at my men's list. There's a lot of people on it. I've had a big effect on a lot of people in my life. If you talk to her, I had a big effect on her life. What I'm powerless over See, the disease of alcoholism talks about 2 things for an alcoholic.

It talks about the physical allergy, the phenomena of craving, which they can't control. But the biggest aspect of this disease is this thing they call the mental obsession. That's what alcoholics are powerless over. And I tell you this. I'm powerless over the exact same thing.

I've really come to believe that I suffer from alcoholism. I just don't drink. And the sad thing about that is alcohol for an alcoholic is the solution. It's not the problem. So here I am suffering from alcoholism without a solution.

That's pretty miserable. And so because the you know, I could not stop just the insanity that was running around in my head all the time. It would never stop. It would just keep going. You know, there's, you know, I know I can fix her.

I know I can change her. You know, this this time it'll work. And, it's not about her. It's about me. And, I just remembered a couple years ago, there was a there was a time and this to me is one of the most vivid memories about just the powerless powerlessness.

And, you know, in the big book, it talks about, for alcoholics, that they've lost the power of choice in drink, and they can't remember any of the consequences. And a year ago, I remembered or a couple years ago, I remember this time when we were having an argument. You know, it wasn't the worst argument. It was just another one, you know, which were really, really regular by that point. And my daughter was about 16, 18 months old.

And, we were just bickering and fighting. And she stood up in between the both of us and she said, stop. And she looked at me and said, stop. And she looked at her and she said, stop. And my heart broke inside.

We looked at each other and we were saying saw. It was just like, oh my god. A 16 month old baby's got no business trying to stop the parents fighting. None. You know, and at that time, I vowed, I can't do this anymore.

You know, something's gotta change. We gotta we gotta do this differently. What are we doing later on that day? We're fighting again. I had no control over the thinking.

I could not remember later on that day, later on that week, what I had just experienced with my daughter. Could not remember. That's what I'm powerless over. It's not that I'm powerless over the alcoholics, it's I'm powerless over this belief that I can fix her, I can change her. Because the truth about it is, it it took me years in program and a couple inventories, I think like 3 to finally get how selfish and self centered and full of fear I have been and always have been my whole life.

Because the truth about me fixing her to change her wasn't to make her to help her life out. Wasn't to, like, you know, make her a nice person, you know, and to contribute to her life. You know, if that happened, that'd be a cool byproduct. The truth was I wanted her to change what she was doing so I wouldn't feel the way I was feeling. So this crazy stuff going on in my head would stop.

You know? If I could just fix her and just get her to change and, you know, so I love what I heard an Alan on speaker talk about. You know, in these rooms, we talk about we're people pleasers. We're not. We're approval suckers.

You know? I didn't care about pleasing you. You know? I was doing what I was doing often so you would approve of me so I would feel better about myself. You know, if I really did something nice for you, it was kind of a byproduct.

You know, it'd be a nice benefit. But it was all about me feeling good, me feeling better, me not being uncomfortable, me not being in fear, me not being in pain. And, I think that's the hardest thing for us to see. And to date yet, I haven't sponsored anybody yet who hasn't done a good 4 step who's come away from it going, oh, I'm really selfish. You know?

And I I just think, yes, you know. Because that's the beauty of the 4 step inventory, you know. For as long as I was for as long as I couldn't see how selfish I was, it's never gonna change. It never did change. So so coming to meetings, sitting down, sharing about the alcoholic in my life made my life miserable.

My life got worse after I came to Al Anon. It got a lot, lot worse. Because the other thing about that first that first meeting I was gonna chair, the other reason why I was gonna do that was because that's what I had learned recovery was. You sit in meetings and you complain about the alcoholic. You know, I had I had I wasn't hearing anybody talking about the steps.

I wasn't hearing very many people talking about God. I was hearing people popping slogans, complaining about the alcoholic. So I just sat down and did what everybody else did. And I could not understand why my life kept getting worse and worse and worse because I was doing what everybody was saying I was supposed to do. And I got so so hopeless in Al Anon doing that.

And that and that was just experiencing the fellowship, you know. Because there's 2 things now, Alon. There's the program and there's the fellowship. The fellowship's that. Fellowships are meetings.

Fellowship is calm, phoneless, calling people. Meetings after the meetings, I mean, it's it's necessary. But I see so much in the meetings, we get that confused with the program. The fellowship will not save my life. You know, in fact, we'll sit here in meetings and not tell each other the truth and watch each other go down the tubes, at times, because we're afraid of looking bad.

We're afraid of looking bad. We're afraid of looking bad. We're afraid of looking bad. We're afraid of looking bad. At times because we're afraid of looking bad.

We're afraid of hurting each other. You know, I I I do it. I still do it today. And afterwards, it's just like, you know, I'm I'm I'm watching people die here, and I'm not saying anything. And that's that's hard to see because I believe the biggest tragedy in Al Anon is that we don't think this is life threatening.

Alcoholics get it. Alcoholics die all the time. And nowadays, the medical establishment sees enough and they'll put on something like that. I got in 3 car accidents. You know, something like that.

I got in 3 car accidents while I was with the alcoholic because it was just so checked out, so not present, present, and just, you know, I it's by the grace of God that I'm still here and I never got hurt and I never hurt anybody. You know, I don't understand how that happened because I was so not present. I was so obsessed with the alcoholic and fixing her and changing her so I would feel better, so I would feel comfortable in my own skin. And the other thing in Al Anon is the program. It's the 12 steps.

You know, and as I've come to learn the 12 steps, the 12 steps is a guaranteed solution to solve any problem. Guarantee? The 12 step is a guarantee. You know, I love that I can sit there and and when I get a new sponsee, look at them and say, I can I can guarantee you a spiritual experience if you do the work? I can guarantee it.

And the reason I can guarantee it is I have not had an experience yet where that has not been the case, both myself personally and the people I've taken through the work. And that is such a that's such a beautiful thing. To me, that's the real hope of the meetings. You know, I thought about it. You know, there's it's one thing to sit if I've got cancer, it's one thing to sit with a group of people where we've all got cancer and talk about what it's like having cancer.

You know, I'll get some relief from that, but none of us know where to go because we've all got it. I would rather sit in a meeting with people who've had cancer, who can relate with me about what it's like having cancer, and can look at me and say, I know how you can get well. That's that's the program. The program is I know how you can get well. I know how you can have I I used to go to this place with really good recovery down in San Jose.

And 3, 4 years into this deal, I sit in these meetings with people, been in and out 15, 20 years, still living with a drinking alcoholic. And I and I used to look at them and I sit in these meetings and I go, there's obviously something about this program you're not getting. You know. Otherwise, you'd leave them. I mean, why are you still with the drinking alcoholic?

I understand now. Now. I understand. I get it. I see why people can do it.

You know, we talked about in the preamble. You can find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. You can. Anyone can. You know, this is, recovery is not a roll of the dice available for some and not for others.

It's available for anybody who's willing to step up the plate and do the work. And the work is the 12 steps. You know, coming to understand I'm powerless, you know. I'm not god. I've been working really hard at it for most of my life, believing I can, believing I can control and manage my life and my situations, you know, and and and talk with you and and and really get into some deep, good therapeutic stuff and figure out the nature of the problem so we could finally understand why it is that you're pushing my buttons so we can get you to stop.

You know, that's how I've kinda orchestrated my life, you know. And and I'm powerless over this obsession that I can do that, this this this belief that that my peace stems from changing somebody out there. And when an alcoholic comes into your life, they they tend to present a lot of stuff out there, you know, so they're easy targets for us. And, you know, so and and and from this mental obsession, my life is just unmanageable. It's gotten crazy insane.

You know, I got to the place where I had, you know, no friends, just miserable with my life. Couldn't stand work, couldn't stand you know, on some days, it didn't even like waking up. You know, and and I've heard it say Al Anon is the only place that you can go where we could sit there, and we could talk about thoughts of killing somebody else or killing yourselves. And we all laugh, because we've all done it, you know. And I heard in the meeting the other night, who who's who's playing the funeral?

You know? And and and thought about that kind of stuff. That's and these are with people that we say we love. You know, look at a normal person and they kinda go, you're sick. You know, you're crazy.

And we think it's normal. Inside the disease of alcoholism, we think it's normal. And so understanding that when I'm powerless over the obsession and everything, you know, I need basically, I I I love the short definition of step 1 is I need help. I need help, you know. And I'm not it.

If I could help me, I wouldn't have come here. It's that simple. You know, this is not a place where I thought it'd be a good place to come and improve myself. You know, I didn't wanna come here. You know, I needed help.

And so in a lot of ways, I think people do step 1, the moment they step into the second meeting. They could've come into the 1st meeting by blind luck, you know. But the sec if you've come back a second time, there's a part of you that's saying, I need help. You know, whether you consciously really realize it or not. You know?

I need help. And I was coming to meetings because I needed help, and I really saw it and needed help. Step 2, there is help. That's all step 2 says is there is help. You know, it's came to believe in the power of God himself.

You don't have to believe in anything. You don't have to believe in a god. You just have to believe that you're not the solution. Mhmm. You know, because truly, a lot and and I see a lot of people come in a program with a belief in god.

If belief in god was enough, we wouldn't need to be here. What this program is about is it's about access to God. It's about the experience of God, which is totally different. You know, there's a lot of good people. There's a lot of times I believe in god, and I go out and do crazy things.

I've gotta take the action to experience god and have god in my life. And when I do that, that's when my behavior changes. And, so that's why step 2 talks about belief, you know. As you just believe that there there is help available. You know?

So steps 1 and 2, as I come to understand, are real cognitive steps. You know, there's not you know, it's sitting down and really understanding my powerlessness. It's understanding that there's help available. It's possible. You know, that's the beauty of having a sponsor.

You know, a a good sponsor, you know, I I heard for a long time, you know, how do you find a sponsor? Well, find somebody who has what you want. And ask them to be your sponsor. Ask something you like. Well, I mean, like their car, you know, the way they dress.

What I came what I came to learn, like, a year and a half ago or something like that, they're a lot of us. Somebody asked me, how do you find a sponsor? Go up to somebody and look at them and ask them if they've had a spiritual experience. If they look confused, say thank you and ask somebody else. If they can say yes, it means they've worked the steps.

Have them take you through the steps. Because as a sponsor, that's all I can give you. I'm not a therapist. I don't know what's best for you in your life. I I hear a lot in meetings, people giving each other advice.

Oh, you should leave the alcoholic. Last time I checked, nobody came in here because they were doing relationships real well, you know. I certainly wasn't. I had a crazy, crazy household mixed up relationship, really, really hurt somebody that I professed to love and I'm gonna give you relationship advice? I mean, how selfish and self centered is that?

You know? So that's not my job as a sponsor. My job as a sponsor is to take you through the steps, to be to be an example of what the hope is of having a spiritual experience and how good life can be. You know, so in a lot of ways, a good sponsor can help you with step 2 by the very fact of their lives. You know, because truly, isn't that what we we really ask when we ask somebody to be the sponsor?

Is because we want their lives? Because, you know, they look they've got a light on in their eyes because they seem happy. You know, that is I I could not comprehend happiness when I came here. What are you talking about? You know, I I just couldn't get it.

I I, you know, it was just so miserable. And so and then step 3 is making a decision. People say they're stuck on step 3. Where? It's a decision.

You know, for any decision to to have any meaning, I've gotta take action on on it. So what tells me if somebody's done their 3rd step is whether they've started doing step 4. You know, that's how you work step 3, in my understanding. Step 3 is just making a decision that I need help, step 1. 2, there is help available.

Step 3 is, okay. I'm willing to I'm willing to give that help a try because the, the truth of what I know is that, just left. Okay. You know, step step 3 is making a decision. Step 4 and 5 is where a lot of people disappear because they don't wanna do the work.

You know, because if I really have to take because, you know, starting to do 4 is starting to look at how I'm responsible for my life. You know, how I'm the cause of the pain I'm in. Not you. You know? And, so I I've gotta take action.

And, oh, I know what the thought was. The thought was about that, you know, I've heard this is not a program of suggestions. It's a suggested program. You know? So for me to get what the steps say I can get, I've gotta do the whole program.

If I don't do everything, you know, turn around and say the program doesn't work. Well, have you tried everything? No. And, you know, for a long time, I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't do that.

And that's why I love sponsoring people who are desperate. You know? If you're not desperate, looking at yourself in this way is not necessarily a pleasant experience. You know? It's it's not.

I mean, there's some there's some there's some unpleasant stuff to uncover. You know, when I when I really finally started to get, it's just like, oh, I'm the one that's making my life miserable. You know, that's a big pill to swallow, you know, especially when you've spent you know, I still have people that I know today who knew me when I was in that relationship, who thinks she's really not nice person, you know, because that's the picture I painted of her. You know, and the truth is now today is I have no idea who she is. None.

No clue. Because I was such an ass. You know, I I would come to these meetings and get all these these pats on the back because I'm such a young guy in recovery and oh, I wish I was your age when I was here doing this stuff and all this kind of stuff. And I was going home, taking everything in the program, setting it outside the door and just being really mean. You know, really controlling, really manipulative.

And and, see, the the hard thing about one of the significant difference as I see from alcoholics and from people in Al Anon is what an alcoholic does is over. It's obvious what they're doing wrong. I mean, just look at at them. You know? Look at what they're doing.

Look at how they're behaving. It's obvious. What we do is covert and generally socially acceptable. We can get just about anybody to buy in and get on our side for what we're doing and how we're treating people. And, that's why I believe it's so hard to find recovery in Al Anon because that's really hard to see.

Really hard to see. You know, stopping things that people give you a pat on the back for. You know? So how do you find out what that stuff is? Start doing step 4.

You know, I'm a fan of the resentment inventory. I I don't generally, you know, do inventories where I'm looking at my assets. You know, my assets aren't what got me here. You know, it's my character defects. It's it's the things.

It's how I treated people. It's it's it's, you know, when I sat down and yeah. It's been a really effective method, sitting down there and writing how I'm just pissed off and angry and upset and full of fear with people. And then when I get to that part, oh, what's your part? Well, first time I did my inventory, I couldn't really see any of my part.

You know, and to this day, I'm amazed. I I think I had, like, 16 pages of type, small font, single spaced. You know, I remember my 5th step 5th step taking, like, 2 days to do. I mean, seriously. And and I had always heard about this weight that's lifted that people feel when they do the 5th step.

I left my my 5th step absolutely convinced they had still done it wrong. That my sponsor just didn't have enough courage to tell me at the time, to stop me at the time. So there's gonna be a message on my machine at home that's just gonna say, well, you did it wrong. This is the way you're really supposed to do it. Do it again and come back to me.

You know? Because I nothing. Absolutely nothing. But the but the thing I know is, you know, in a lot of ways, you know, I've I've certainly got strong opinions about how you work the steps. But what I know is the truth is it doesn't matter how you work them.

It just matters that you work them. Because I got that experience even through that. Just the fact that I did it was enough that later on working continuing working through the steps, I had a spiritual experience. You know, I did 6 and 7 and started writing my 8 step list. You know, and I think I started with 1 or 2 men's or something like that.

And then I had what step 12 guarantees anybody, having had a spiritual awakening, the 12 step guarantees that if you do steps 1 through 11, your spirit will awaken. You will begin to have spiritual experiences that will radically change your life and your perception of your life. And I had that. You know, and mine was kind of the gradual variety. It happened over like a 2 week period of time.

I had all sorts of pieces just falling in place and huge realizations. And finally, significant change in my job that was not, you know, know, I had a significant change in my job that was not good from my perspective. And I was just kinda like, cool. Let's go. Let's go play.

You know, I had this this I enjoyed waking up in the morning. I had different relationships with people. I had different relationships with the alcoholic almost immediately. You know, everything just changed. You know, so it didn't matter how I did my 4 step.

It just matters that I did it, that I shared it with somebody. You know, and I continued to go on and I continued to do it. And, started making the amends. You know, the hardest amends is frequently a difficult thing to do. But that's as I've come to understand it, step 9 is truly where the real spiritual experiences start.

You know, when I've lied to you, if I look if I tell myself I lied to them. You know? My mental obsession taught me a long time ago that that the I on some real far outside chance, but no. Not really. You know, and if I go down in a 5th step and I tell me and I tell somebody else, that's more likely to change my behavior, but still not you, and tell them I lied to you, that changes me more than anything else.

And we miss out on that kinda stuff all the time by not being willing to make the amends. Miss out on all the time. And I've I've established beautiful relationships with people because I have an ongoing process of amends with them. So if something comes up now, it doesn't fester and cause us not to talk to each other anymore or to be angry with each other anymore or to watch humbling, you know, having done I was in this this relationship for five and a half years, really screwed up really nice well. And I started sponsoring all these people who who had these screwed up relationships.

And they start doing the steps and go up to 8, 9, and all of a sudden, they've got these fantastic relationships and they're in love with their spouse and all that kind of stuff. And I'm like, Oh, I just get to sponsor people with good relationships? You know, but I get to see that all the time. I get to sponsor these people who say that, you know, I'm done. I'm leaving the alcoholic.

I'm going away. And I just sit there and go, you know, I I I can't make decisions for you, but I strongly encourage you. Wait till you do the steps. You know? And and I have not seen anybody yet who hasn't really worked through the steps.

I know it happens. My experience is that, you know, almost just about everybody I've sponsored who's been in a relationship, I mean, they're madly in love now. They have these awesome relationships, and they're challenging and difficult. And they're in love with somebody that they hated just a little while ago. You know, I know now today I have more love for the alcoholic that I was with for five and a half years than I ever had in relationship with her, and that's an amazing thing.

And, you know, before I talk about the importance of 10, 11, and 12, which are vitally important, the way I understand steps 1 and 3 I mean, all the steps is 1 and 1 through 3 is where I get willing to change my life. And what the change in life that needs to happen is I need to get in contact with a power greater than myself. Doesn't matter what you call it, doesn't matter what it is. You know, I got stuck for a long time believing that I had to have some sort of understanding or concept of God before I worked the steps. If you come into these meetings, you're disconnected from God.

It's, I mean, in AA or Al Anon, it's just my it's just what I see around the rooms. You're not connected to God. And so, here's a course of action that if you do, you'll get connected and that will change your life. So when you do 4 through 9, that's how I get connected with God. But that's all 4 through 9 does.

It just gets me connected. I can't live off the food I ate yesterday. Just can't just like my spiritual life doesn't work off of what I did yesterday, off the step work that I did yesterday, off the meditation I did 3 weeks ago. That doesn't get me connected to God. What gets me connected to God is what I've done today.

You know, and that's what 10, 11, and 12 do. If I don't do 10, 11, and 12, you know, I had a very vivid experience. Very painful, but very vivid. You know, I I heard for years an AA. You know, if an alcoholic stops drinking and they start drinking again, you know, they don't pick up where they left off.

They picked up where they had where where they would have been if they never stopped. You know, and after I had did that, worked through the steps the first time, you know, right at 8, 9, start making start making amends. I didn't finish my amends, you know, and I moved, lost my support group. My sponsor fired me because I wasn't doing as much work anymore, you know, because I was connected with God now. This was really cool and, really awesome experience.

You know, just just riding high on this so much to stop doing stuff. I wasn't doing regular daily inventory stuff. I really wasn't meetings, I was sharing more of a hopeful message, but I wasn't sponsoring people. I wasn't, you know, talking to people after the meeting. I wasn't taking phone calls, and I wasn't doing prayer and meditation.

And, right at the time, the alcoholic and I had broken up right right somewhere around when I had my first personal experience. About 6 months later, we got back together again. And I was different because I was still riding off this this high that I had from 6 months ago. But I had nothing that kept it open. I would, you know, during the 6 months, I began to do stuff that was starting to block the channel again.

And when I got in a relationship with the alcoholic again, it was good for a month. You know, just like we know how to do when we get back together again with an alcoholic. It's good for a month. Good for a couple weeks. But it started doing things again.

Started getting fear again. Excessions started to kick in. The disease just came back. And inside a couple months, it was like nothing had changed. Nothing had ever changed.

And during that last year we were together, the harm harm we caused each other, I caused night literally intent on killing her. I went after her one night literally intent on killing her. And at the time when I really looked at it, I had to really acknowledge that in that moment, it it was the only solution I had. I could not have done anything different in that moment. And I thank God to this day that something happened, break the spell, and nothing happened.

You know, but here, here's this person that I said I love and I'm going after to kill her. What kind of sense is that? And that's the disease of alcoholism. It just comes right back. If you push God out, the disease just goes, Thank you.

Comes right back in. You know, it does it does not matter. It's the only thing that will keep the diseases bay is God. Not therapy, Not the latest, greatest workshop. You know, all that stuff is good and helps me grow my relationship with myself and my God, but it doesn't give me a relationship with god.

You know, I have found nothing better than the steps, and I've I've looked a lot. And during that year, you know, we got we started getting physical. We were yelling all the time, you know. And, you know, this is the insanity of the time. I remember those times, she's, you know, like, get out of the house, and I would go and I'd sleep in my car for, like, 3 weeks period of time.

And it wasn't till, like, a year and a half later that I kinda looked back and went, oh. By definition, I was homeless. I didn't know that at the time. I was just happy not to be fighting anymore, And, and I'm not the one who drinks. You know, and that's that's, you know, and so I've seen all this stuff, and but fortunately, you know, thank God, I knew where to go for a solution.

You know, started going back to meetings more. Heard somebody who who talked about an awesome relationship with God, just how good life is. And will you sponsor me? Yeah. Start working through the steps.

And, you know, this time it was right around having done 4th, but I think I had just done my 5th step a little while before, and the relationship ended. And this time it was for good. You know, and a couple weeks later, an attorney showed up at my work, handing me child custody papers. And I had a spiritual experience with lightning bolt variety. You know, I I I finally saw like my whole the whole relationship just flash in front of me and saw how I had done, I had done so many things that put me on the receiving end of that.

She didn't do it to me. Never did. I wasn't a victim. Not now, nor had I ever been. And I had five and a half years of the most incredible resentment I've ever experienced, towards anyone or anything in my life, just gone.

Just disappear. And it's never returned since then. And I've been totally free in how I in how I relate to her, how I see her. You know, she's she was really always she was just like me. She was always doing the best that she could.

You know, if she had different tools, she would've used them, just like me. I had no other tools to other than to do what I did. And, so I got back into the steps. And now I began to understand what 10, 11, and 12 are about. You know, 4 through 9 are great, but, you know, if I don't do 10, 11, and 12.

10, I gotta take purse I gotta continue to take personal inventory, you know, so I can continue to have relationships with you because God lives between the space between you and I. You wanna get closer to God, get closer to people. You know, men amends is how I get closer to you. I've got this relationship today with this woman that is just incredibly amazing and beautiful. And the beauty about it is we constantly keep getting closer and closer, because when anything goes on, we both immediately look into what is it that I'm doing that's contributing to it, that's causing it.

And we go up to each other, and we make amends to it about what we're doing, not about what she's doing or what I you know, it's just like, oh, I did this. I looked at it this way, and this is what experience and I apologize. You know, I was wrong. You know, we make men's for it. And and we just keep getting closer and closer and closer.

And steps, you know, steps 11, you know, prayer and meditation. You know, I'd I'd love to hear that topic more in meetings. You know, that's that's where the real relationship with God really develops, prayer and meditation, to be prayerful. You know? You know, my prayers have changed over the years.

I I don't ask much anymore for what I want. You know, that's still selfish and self centered. I ask for, you know, what God wants me to be, you know, and I've gotta meditate. You know, I know a lot of people who are really good at prayer, and they don't meditate much. You wanna wonder why you don't hear answers very often?

It's because you don't meditate much. You know? I came upon, you know, this literature from the Oxford group, which is what AA spun off of, which so, you know, it's part of our lineage. And, you know, they presented the idea that God talks to every single one of us. And that's my I believe that.

It's my experience. God talks to me. You know? I've just gotta I've just gotta be prayerful, and I've gotta work on meditation so I can quiet the committee in the head, so I can hear who talks to me. I mean, because I there's a lot of stuff I do in my life that's just kinda like, why am I doing this?

This is crazy. This is I mean, I don't do this kind of stuff and it's just like I move forward and these amazing things happen. I have these amazing relationships in my life nowadays. So, a couple years ago, I had a birthday party and when I met the alcoholic, I literally had no friends. And and I don't mean that lightly.

I had no friends. When When she got pregnant the first time, I looked around. I desperately wanted to talk to somebody. I ended up calling one of her friends just so I could talk to somebody. I mean, I had nobody to talk to.